Comic Book Men s03e05 Episode Script

As comic book readers, could you fall in love with a mutant? I mean, it would be tough though.
If it was, say, Rogue, we couldn't touch each other.
Let's say she was, um, like, maybe just a protoplasm worm or something.
- Right.
- I mean, really gross.
This mutant's power, though, is it can turn into any form you desire.
But you know what this mutant really looks like.
- Could you do it? - Yeah, I could do it.
I mean, looks are important, don't get me wrong.
But does she like the same movies I do? You know, can we hold a conversation? - You're so full of it.
- I'm not.
- You're so full of it.
- I'm not full of it.
All right then, what if let's say then, the brotherhood of evil mutants zapped your beloved slug worm and took away her powers.
Still wants to go to the movies.
Still wants to dance to the same tunes.
Would you start the divorce proceedings? Or would you be like, "nope.
I love her-it for what it-she really is.
" I'm not so sure the slug wouldn't leave him.
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, the only show that's bagged and boarded, but so very rarely laid.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
All right, Stash-keteers, what's been going on in the world of Stash-capades? - Hey, fellas, how you doing? - Hey, how you doing? - What do you got there, man? - All right.
- This a Mr.
T's Water War.
- Whoa.
Yeah.
Early '80s, 1983.
That's crazy.
I haven't seen one of these in, like, 20 years.
I've never seen one.
Now let me pull this out of the box here.
I never had a Wet Willy, or whatever it's called.
Me neither.
Did you have, like, a wet and wild that you'd get out in the yard and get all wet and He and his brother peed on each other.
Hook the hose right up here, and then when you whip a sponge at it, the head flips back.
And it'll shoot water in the direction that it flips back at, so you try to get your friend wet.
This is the absolute last thing they bring to you, right? Where it's like, "Okay, Mr.
T, "your face is on everything.
"How about, white kids are gonna throw sponges at you, okay?" You've merchandised a lot of things yourself.
Mmhmm.
Have you ever thought about going into the water toy genre? Where maybe you stick your sticker of your face on a plastic device, and stick a hose through your mouth that spits out water.
And kids frolic in that fountain.
I've only dreamed that I could hit a place where some kid walks into a major toy store and says, "I want that fat, bearded man to spit water at me and my friends in the backyard.
" His whole wall at home is just sketches and diagrams of that very product.
- Was he your hero? - Yeah, big-time.
Mine too.
I remember the cartoon on Saturday mornings.
He would tell you all kinds of things, like, "don't do drugs," or "grow your hair like mine.
" - Can I ask you a question? - What's that? How long you been cultivating the Mr.
t look? - This one? - Has it been since the '80s? Nono, I started in 2005.
It's actually super easy to do, so, yeah, I like it.
Did you watch the A-Team? Uh, I did watch the A-Team.
I never was into it quite as much as my friends were.
- Really? - Really? My friends were, like were gung ho for this stuff.
But I'm a fan of Mr.
T in his role as Clubber Lang more so than B.
A.
Baracus.
I mean, he was, like the epitome of, like, street tough.
If you think about it, Mr.
T was introduced - as kind of a super villain - Yeah.
As Clubber Lang in Rocky III.
So much so, that when you see The Dark Knight Rises years later, it's almost the same storyline, man.
Rocky is Batman and Bane is Clubber Lang.
I wanted to be Mr.
T when I was little.
- I wanted to have a mohawk.
I - That's easy.
Why don't you just go shave your head and get a mohawk? You'd look just like him.
This falls under the vague, gray area of merchandise.
It's not a toy.
It's not an action figure.
It's one of those odd items that I really don't have much knowledge about.
Do you mind if I call somebody in and - Sure, that'd be great.
- You know, they'll give me a little bit more insight to what its value may be on today's market.
Sure, that would be great.
I'd like to know myself, actually.
Can you do me a favor and call Robert? - Hey, guys.
- Robert.
- Check this out.
- Oh, Mr.
T.
What do you think? Do you remember this? Well, I don't remember playing with it.
I know what it is, as far as just the collectible value.
He was 35 in the '80s, you gotta understand.
Oh, okay, I forgot.
I mean, it's great.
The guy who's gonna buy this - is gonna pay top dollar.
- Mm-hmm.
The thing is, if you put it on the shelf in the shop, it may sit for a year or two.
What do you think its value is in today's market? I would think, like, $75, $80, most likely.
- Retail? - Retail, yeah.
- Yeah.
Would you take 25? - Oh.
- 25.
- Wow.
Even I didn't expect you to say that.
I mean, there's just not that many Mr.
T fans that walk through here.
Would you go up to 50 maybe? How about an even 40, that way it's a couple 20s and I can walk out of here? That's fair, all right.
- 40 bucks, that works.
- All right, let's do it.
Thank you.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
- See you later.
- Thanks, guys.
Take care, bro.
Does it make you wanna get out and - I wanna play with it.
- Maybe knock off early.
You and Mike go have a little water war? - Little tighty-whities.
- Why why - You won't play it? - No.
I wanna play with this.
You can go out and play with it today, if you get all your work done.
Marvel cards I'm very familiar with these.
All right, thanks, man.
Have a great day.
You too.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- How you doing? What's going on? I have something here I think you guys might be interested in.
I have some old Marvel cards.
Ah, Marvel cards I'm very familiar with these.
Me and Kevin were so into these cards.
It was huge.
I can't it was bigger than baseball - bigger than sports cards.
- No way.
- I'm not kidding around.
- No way.
I'm not kidding around, man.
These were so hot back in the early '90s, they guesstimated that the Marvel trading card sets would go for thousands in the future.
Every kid at school had 'em.
What school were you and Kev in when you guys were collecting them? We weren't in school.
- No? - We were adults.
No way.
How old were you? Oh, God, we were in our twenties.
How old were you when you bought these? Uh, I was in, like, third grade, so Oh, Jesus [Bleep.]
.
We were the fan boys of summer, man.
All we did was go from comic book store to comic book store, looking for Marvel cards.
Marvel Comics had never gotten into the trading card game.
And, you know, I didn't collect sports cards.
So suddenly, they had, "here's your favorite superhero.
Here's a Daredevil card.
" And they had their stats on the back.
So we went out and tracked down as many unopened boxes as we could.
And we were running around like junkies, man.
We were like, "I got the stuff.
" Opening it and shredding it, like, looking for that Wolverine fix and being like, "ahh.
" You know what was really the most sought-after cards? The holofoil or hologram cards.
Those were what really got me and Kev, like, all hot and bothered back in the day.
- Speaking of those.
- That's them.
There it is.
I think they still get you excited.
Yeah.
Wow.
I can remember we'd open 'em up in the car on the way home.
"You got a hologram?" You know, he'd swerve off the road almost, in excitement, because it was so exciting.
More near-death experiences when opening holograms.
And they only printed so many.
Like, they were pretty rare to get, and no one let 'em go.
And is this how rare this is? You gotta keep it in, like, a thing that's, like, an inch thick? Well, I it says "first printing.
" That sounded very condescending.
- Yeah.
- You're acting like the holder's not more valuable than the card in it.
That, actually, sadly, is the truth though.
Not too long after I jumped off the card bandwagon, the comic book card industry, you know, the bottom fell out.
It wasn't like a comic book, where, like, next week or next month, the story would go on.
They were just trading cards, man.
We realized we spent a lot of time - and a lot of money.
- A lot of money, bro.
And once we had amassed the entire set, we were like we were like Alexander.
We had reached the end of the known world, and we wept because there was nothing left to conquer.
The Stash really doesn't do trading cards at all.
I mean, when we bought the Stash from the previous owner, this guy was in charge.
Really? Tell 'em what you found in the crawl space of the old Stash.
Box after box after box of this kind of stuff.
But you know what? I do see a lot of empty holes in the nine-pocket sleeves.
We still have some of that stock from 1997, don't we? The crawl space cards.
You can go down and get 'em if you want.
We still had a little stack sitting behind the counter, circa, you know, 1997.
I just gave 'em to the guy.
I was like, "I'm not buying your cards, "but if you wanna take these off our hands, more power to you, you know?" You must've shattered his mind though.
He walks in to sell some cards, he walks out with more cards.
A heavy heart and a heavier load of cards.
"Did I just take out your garbage?" For you.
Don't want you to leave empty-handed.
- Oh, well, thank you.
- All right, man.
Well, sorry we couldn't help you out, but you know what? I know those cards are going to a good home, at last.
I'll keep 'em in good hands with love.
- Thanks, man.
- Thanks, guys.
Proud papa of even more worthless junk.
I'm not doing Aquawoman porn.
- Wow.
- Whoa, relax.
She said she wasn't.
Do you guys remember that Mr.
T used to do public service announcements? - Oh, yeah.
- What happened to those psas? Did you ever learn one thing one single thing from a psa that you really didn't know? I have to say, anybody that sits here right now and says, "oh, yeah, well, I learned something," I'd be I'd be suspect of them.
"Psa" was another word for "common sense.
" I mean, the thing is, they were aimed at kids, but they re-ran them all the time, so we wound up watching these well into our adulthood.
At which point, we're just like, "I know not to take drugs!" Do you remember that one? Do you remember the singing drugs? That you open up a medicine cabinet and there were pills and a needle, and they were singing We're not candy Even though we look so fine and dandy Who eats a syringe, thinking it's candy? - Enjoy.
- Thank you very much.
- Have a great day.
- See you later.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I am on my way to a birthday party, and I forgot a gift.
What's with the costume? Uh, it's Aquawoman - And why are you wearing - And it's a cosplay party.
- Ah, cosplay.
- Yes.
People who make their own costumes and whatnot.
Make their own costumes bastardizing existing characters, though? Yes, that's what I'm doing.
I'm bastardizing.
- What do you mean bastardizing? - Seriously? Well, I mean, this is obviously an Aquaman costume that D.
C.
hasn't sanctioned though.
This is Aquawoman.
Why does it have to be sanctioned? Because she doesn't own the Aquaman copyright, does she? There is no Aquawoman, is there? - There should be.
- Aqualad.
No, there is an actual Aquawoman, very minimal series.
Come on, you can't appreciate this? And it's easy to put on, and I can actually move - and drink and party in it.
- See? Going out to party in her Aquawoman costume.
So? Dressing up as that character, doing things that may not be superheroic in that costume, you know, kids see it I'm not doing Aquawoman porn.
- Wow.
- Whoa, relax.
She said she wasn't.
Whoa, whoa.
What do you got against the cosplay, man? Nothing.
It's people who are more ambitious than us taking their hobby to the next level.
But as soon as you go making your own costumes and changing the character in ways that the copyright holder maybe doesn't want you to? You know, I think you've crossed the line.
Fair enough, if you were mass-producing it.
But if you're making it for, like, a costume party or there's no harm in that.
"It's fun in general I don't like.
" You know what? Don't listen to him.
- I appreciate it.
- Thank you.
And isn't that what matters? All right, enough of this.
What can we help you out with today? Um, you can do a few things, but my friend's biggest thing would be Lady Death, which I know isn't everybody's thing.
As luck would have it, we do have something Lady Death.
The wall sculpture, the 3-D sculpture of Lady Death holding the sword.
The actual wall relief from, like, Old School Chaos? Yeah, we got that.
- Fully licensed and approved? - Yes.
Look at this perfect condition, in an era before laser sculpting.
They went in there by hand.
Back in the old days, This is freaking awesome.
Last time I saw this was in Canada, and somebody was asking a very offensive price for it.
- So this is sweet.
- Not here.
We don't look to offend anyone.
Really? Wow.
For whatever reason, a very buxom version of Death struck a chord with comic book fans in the '90s.
- Well, if you gotta die - Yes.
What's more comforting, the skeleton with the scythe or, you know, a lady who looks really nice, and like, "come on, let's go hang out.
" I would just go right into her arms.
So, uh, $200.
Will that work for your friend? Will you take 180? Absolutely.
Wow, that was really quick.
You didn't even, like, try to haggle.
No, no.
I love it when someone comes in and doesn't offend me with some crazy, like, "would you go 50% off?" When it comes to commerce and dollars and cents He'll look the other way on the Aquagirl costume.
All right, well, you got a deal.
- I'll take it.
- All right, I'll box it up.
Great gift.
Thank you, sir.
Don't go too crazy at this party, you know.
You want me to step in, make sure there's no shenanigans? - I could use a chaperone.
- There's a plus-one? I don't trust myself.
Let's do this.
Don't worry about it, bro.
We could still have fun here.
We could sit here and we can inventory and, you know and fold shirts.
This is an original Teddy Ruxpin.
Can you and I be friends? Come on! Oh! Were you guys ever fans of the Bizarro Superman? - Oh, yeah.
- I always thought it was cool that somewhere out there, in another dimension, there's, like, someone who's the complete opposite of yourself.
Like, the bizarro me would be mopey.
I would be mean to people.
I would be badly dressed.
All right, so what would Bizarro Bry be? Like, a stockbroker.
Tall.
No, I would be short though.
I would be - I would be like you.
- I guess you would.
You would be yeah, short, dark yeah, you would look like me.
- Wait a minute.
- I know.
That's Bizarro Bry.
Brother.
Hi, guys, good morning.
How are you? What's going on? Well, I have a couple of items that I'm looking to sell.
- Wow, do you remember these? - No.
This is an original Teddy Ruxpin from 1985 new in the box, never played with and his good pal Grubby.
This is the first animatronic toy - that ever came out.
- And you had one? I didn't have one.
I wanted one.
I was 11, and I probably shouldn't have been playing with teddy bears, but I thought this was cool.
It was like having an animatronic at your house.
Its mouth would move? Yeah, the mouth would move.
Oh, now I know why you wanted a Teddy Ruxpin.
Its mouth moved? I think I was just fascinated by it.
It was like like "Ming, why are you in the bathroom again with Teddy?" No! Teddy's like, "Help.
Help.
" No, no.
I'll do you one better.
I was a 15-year-old kid, and I had a Teddy Ruxpin.
- You had one? - What? Yeah, I did.
It was one of the few things that I remember seeing and being like, "This is the future talking stuffed animals.
" And I got it as a gift.
My parents, like, must have found it on sale, very cheap.
I think the street cred of the Stash just You got a cassette in there to He comes with a cassette.
And if you would like to see him in action, we'll turn him on and we'll let him do his thing.
Hi.
My name is Teddy Ruxpin.
Can you and I be friends? Look, his eyes are blinking.
Come on.
I mean, it is impressive.
I would like you to meet some of my other friends too.
And then were other characters, like Grubby.
Please tell me Grubby is not a maggot.
Grubby's not a maggot.
Grubby's his, like, fun-loving caterpillar friend.
Oh, God.
It, like, connected with a cable, and then when you play the tape, they would talk to each other.
- So he's not animatronic.
- He is.
But he's controlled by the cable.
Why do you have new, never-played-with 'Cause I'm a hoarder.
You want me to admit it? I'm a hoarder.
I just have a lot of stuff, and I've just gotta let go.
So Teddy and Grubby are among the things that I'm letting go of.
And these have value today, Ming? Oh, yeah, especially in this shape, with the boxes and the packaging, yeah.
All right, what are you looking to get for Teddy and Grubby? Three bills and they're yours.
How about 100 for both of them? - No.
- No? No! Throw me back another number.
I'm saying 50 bucks each.
Hold on a second.
Teddy.
Yes, he is very handsome.
And he's very smart.
Oh, the jealous look on Grubby's face.
I'd never take $50 for you.
Of course not.
All right, I'm gonna come to your rescue, Teddy.
Um, 235 and I won't call the cops.
- All right, 235.
Okay.
- You'll take it? All right, my friend, thank you.
And I thank you very much.
Wanna give him a little a little kiss good-bye? No, no, I can't.
It's too emotional.
I just have to walk away.
- All right.
- See you later.
That's a crime against humanity, that speedo right there, man.
What about him? I mean, but at least it's covered up.
I mean, like, there's nothing left to the imagination anymore.
- You don't need an imagination.
- Nothing.
It's gross.
We bought one of the oddest pieces of Mr.
T merchandise: The Mr.
T water war.
So let me get this straight.
The Secret Stash guys got into a bunch of water sports? Oh, yeah.
Well, not me.
Why not hook it up and run around and see if it works and play with it? Yeah, but I don't understand, why were you wearing your underwear? It wasn't underwear.
That was a bathing suit.
It was his wife's underwear.
What? It was hot out, that's what I wear.
Dude, you were as close to being naked as you could possibly be.
Look how angry he is.
"Why weren't you almost naked too?" "Yeah, we were supposed to be naked!" You fools ready? All right.
One, two, three.
Wage war.
Oh, come on! Oh! What the hell's going on here? Are we just throwing sponges at each other now? Oh! Yeah! All right, all right.
That's enough.
Come on.
Dry yourselves off.
We got a store to run.
I'm just getting started.
You guys got a job to do.
Towel each other off and get back to work.
Come on.
Oh, and just like Doc.
Brown's Delorean, we're out of time.
For Comic Book Men, I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Remember, kids, once you take it out of the box, no longer mint.
Good night.