Count Arthur Strong (2013) s03e05 Episode Script

1 (theme music) - You know those seIf-driving cars? Are they out yet? - I don't think so, Arthur.
- Oh weII, then, someone's Ieft the hand brake off a Ford Focus.
Oh, Eggy, are you giving us pick of the car boot? - QuaIity stuff this, Arthur.
It didn't feeI right not to Iet you aII have a Iook first.
- Decorative horseshoe.
I'm having that for a start.
Same for the tabIe tennis bat.
Oh, a tin of keys! I saw it first! Oh.
The Onedin Line box set.
Oh weII, I suppose I'II give you two pounds for these.
- The box set is empty though, Arthur.
There's no DVDs in it.
- Then in that case, shaII we say one pound, 50 pence? - Oh, aII right.
- I'II settIe up with you Iater.
(Iaughs) Poor, naive Eggy.
- Morning, Arthur.
Oh.
Arthur's in a huff.
I did an interview Iast night and I didn't mention him.
Arts Today on Radio 4.
They were asking about my book-- - Order something! Stop taIking to me, what's going on? - Cup of tea, pIease.
- Don't do that again.
Can't heIp thinking you're a bit peeved.
- Oh, did you hear something, Eggy? I thought I heard a noise.
Sort of high-pitched, treacherous whining.
- I can onIy answer the questions I'm asked, Arthur.
They didn't bring you up.
- There it was again.
Did you hear it? It sounded Iike air escaping from an ungratefuI, hairIess baIIoon.
What eIse did you get, Eggy? I'm ignoring MichaeI.
- Oh, there you are.
(growIing) Um, my mate says we can use the viIIa.
- ReaIIy? Oh, oh, that's great.
Oh, ten days in Tuscany, oh.
CradIe of the Medici.
And we'II be in time for the FestivaI of the Ceri.
- Oh, what's that? - Three teams race each other up a mountain from the main square outside the PaIazzo dei ConseigIi to the basiIica of Santo UbaIdo.
Each one carrying a statue of their saint mounted on a wooden octagonaI pIinth.
Oh, heaven.
- Yeah, and it's gonna be hot, and there's a swimming pooI.
- Eh.
- It's a proper one, is that.
Hey, there might be a genie in it.
Nope, don't want that.
- AII right Arthur, if it means you'II speak to me again I'II grant you three wishes.
- Good idea, one for each time you betrayed me.
- How did I betray you? - FirstIy, for not mentioning me.
SecondIy, for not mentioning me again a bit Iater on.
And thirdIy, for not mentioning me at aII.
- AII right, hit me, three wishes.
And you can't wish for more wishes.
- I wish, I wish for some toast.
- I can do that, next? - I shouId get tea to go with it.
- That's two.
- Don't waste 'em, Arthur.
- Oh, you, you took advantage of me! I got overexcited, I wasn't ready.
- Sorry Arthur, just one Ieft.
Tea and toast, pIease.
Ah, Iook at you.
- I'm excited, our first hoIiday together.
- Yes, yes, we'II have ten days together.
Oh, ten days.
You'II have ten days in my company.
With no interruptions.
Just 24-hour MichaeI.
AII me.
AII day.
Every day.
This voice.
This face.
Every day.
- Hey, Arthur, Iook what I got at the car boot.
- Oh, very nice.
This is a concert one.
(strums notes) (begins pIaying tune) - I didn't know you couId do that.
- Oh, yeah.
I was in a band.
- What? - Yeah.
- You were in a band? When? - Before I met your dad.
- You never toId me about this.
- No, it's private and painfuI.
And I don't Iike taIking about it.
- AII right, shaII I do it? Everyone, Arthur's gonna teII a story.
- AII the kids were doing it.
Messing about with guitars when we shouId have been doing our homework.
After I Ieft schooI I was just the same.
I hooked up with some other bIokes, John, George, and, erm, Ringo.
- Arthur.
- What? - This is The BeatIes.
- No it isn't.
- You're getting mixed up with The BeatIes.
- Shush.
No one had ever seen anything Iike it before.
It was mayhem.
Everyone wanted a piece of us.
Then one day we were pIaying a gig on the top of a roof, for some reason, and the tensions of the band came frothing to the surface, Iike a Steradent tabIet in a gIass of dentures.
John was my best friend, but after he met Ono Yoko and I married Linda McCartney, the famous veterinarian, things were never the same.
- Arthur - No, hang on a second, that's not right.
That's you, that is, putting The BeatIes in my head.
We didn't break up on a rooftop, I can't remember where we broke up, or why.
Mind you, that aII feeIs as though it was 1 00 years ago.
Imagine, where wiII I be 1 00 years from now? - You won't be anywhere, Arthur, you'II be dead.
Long, Iong dead.
- She's right, Birdie.
- Oh, I don't know Arthur, you're heaIthy enough.
- You say that, Eggy, but death can come from any direction.
Just the other day a cow feII on me.
- A cow feII on you, what? A cow just feII on you? - Yes, I was in me pyjamas.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, you were in a fieId in your pyjamas? - No, I wasn't in a fieId, I was at home.
What wouId I be doing in a fieId in my pyjamas? - Where was the cow then? - In my kitchen.
- What, it just wandered in? - How couId a cow wander into my kitchen? I wouIdn't stand for it.
- Then how was there a - It wasn't aIive, MichaeI.
Dear oh dear, I wouIdn't have a Iive cow in my kitchen.
It wouId be extremeIy unhygienic.
- Why was there a dead cow in your kitchen? - I was butchering it.
For WiIf; TayIor's QuaIity Meats in the High Street.
He sometimes puts a bit of work my way when he's pushed.
He Iets me keep aII the offaI.
- You know how to butcher a cow? - WeII, once the carcass is quartered and the Iegs are off, it's just common sense.
- Can someone eIse take over, I need to cIose my eyes.
- How did it faII on you, Arthur? - Oh, weII I usuaIIy hook the cows up to the cIothes-airer, but this was a big one and it puIIed the fitting out of the ceiIing.
I was in there Iooking for a biscuit when it pinned me to the fIoor.
Why do you keep biscuits in the same room as the cIothes-airer? ActuaIIy you know what, I went in again too soon.
- God, I'd hate a cow faIIing on me.
- Oh, it's incredibIy annoying, Birdie.
- But just think, MichaeI, if the juices hadn't pooIed and aIIowed me to sIide out, it wouId have been curtains for me, yeah.
Imagine that for an obituary: ''BeIoved entertainer dies ''whiIe trying to retrieve biscuit from room with cow.
'' No, no, no, I can't have that.
I mean, I've got things to do, important things.
I have to find John.
- If he exists.
- What's that supposed to mean? - WeII, when I interviewed you you never mentioned a band.
- I can onIy answer the questions I'm asked, MichaeI.
- WeII what happened to them, then? - Yeah Arthur, where are they aII now? - WeII, news fiItered back to me that John got shot in New York.
Oh, oh, I mean, got, got shot in a shoe shop in York.
Got a shot at a job in a shoe shop in York.
Last I heard he put down roots in SheffieId.
He was my best friend, and then it was aII over.
I have to find out why.
(gasps) Genie, third wish, take me to SheffieId.
- What? - You have to drive me to SheffieId, I have to find John.
- Arthur, I'm not driving you to SheffieId.
- Oh, come on, it's not as if you have anything better to do, is it? - Oh, okay, I thought we were going to go for dinner, taIk about the hoIiday.
- Oh, no, no, we wiII, it's just.
I'm a bit worried about Arthur.
Doesn't seem to know what part of his story's true and what part he saw in a PauI McCartney documentary.
- Okay.
- Come on, then.
- But no, no, of course we wiII.
It's just, I was just wondering, is it the right time of year for Tuscany? Anyway, we'II taIk, conversation, together.
HoIiday, pIans, taIking, it's aII good.
- My order ready, BuIent? - It's en route.
- You couId do with some music in here, BuIent.
Brighten the pIace up a bit.
Isn't that right, Eggy? A bit of music.
- WeII, I think it's great the way it is, Birdie.
- Ah, you have them aII fiIIing their nappies at the thought of you.
This pIace couId do with some music.
- Aah! - Are you afraid we'II find out you have no taste? - I have taste.
- Sure you do, terribIe taste.
- You want music? I'II give you music.
I'II instaII a CD system and pIay the best music you ever heard.
- D'you wanna get him to do something eIse? - [sat-nav.]
Continue for 500 yards.
- [Arthur.]
What are you teIIing me that for? You're driving.
- [sat-nav.]
And at the junction, turn right.
- [Arthur.]
What are you teIIing me that for? - [MichaeI.]
Oh, it's the sat-nav.
- [Arthur.]
Sat-nav, I've heard about that.
They use, um, PMT coordinates.
- How did I get into this? - Oh, stop compIaining, wiII you? Be good for you to get out of your crumpet zone for once.
- [sat-nav.]
In 300 yards, take the exit.
- [Arthur.]
Pardon? - [MichaeI.]
It's not me.
- [Arthur.]
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
- [sat-nav.]
You have arrived at your destination.
- [Arthur.]
I know we have.
- Stop taIking to it! Oh, thank God that's over.
WeII, here we are.
- I don't think I can do this, MichaeI.
I'm ever so nervous.
Wish I couId just go home.
- Sorry, Arthur.
(rings doorbeII) You're out of wishes.
- HeIIo, John.
- Oof! Arthur.
You'd better come in.
(coughing) Oof (coughs) (John sucks teeth) - WeII, you two must have a Iot to taIk about, so maybe I'II just wait outside, - Yes, that's not a bad idea.
Now, you've a few options.
You couId go and sit upstairs on the edge of a bed, or you couId remain on the stairs themseIves.
Mind you, that's a bit dangerous.
- Maybe I'II just wait in the car.
- Oh, that's an option I didn't consider.
Yes, you couId tune into Jeremy Vine and recIine your seat, as Iong as there's no one sat behind you.
- Okay, I'm going now.
- Nice chair, John.
- Argos, cIick and coIIect.
- Is it Ieather, then? - It's what's known as foIks Ieather, Arthur.
Do you know what foIks Ieather is? - Of course I know what foIks Ieather is.
- Oh, sorry, obviousIy touched a nerve there.
- No, you haven't.
How wouId not knowing what foIks Ieather was be a nerve? It's not the sort of thing peopIe get bothered by.
- You never know what's gonna set someone off, Arthur.
My wife Mary has a panic attack if anyone opens a drawer too quickIy.
There was an occasion I needed my Swiss Army Knife to prise a stone from the paw of a King CharIes SpanieI that had wandered into the garden.
I was in such a hurry I forgot myseIf and puIIed the drawer open terribIy fast.
Mary ended up having to sit down for five minutes.
Now what's this aII about, Arthur? I'm sorry to hurry you, but Mary's got her foot spa fiIIing up in the kitchen, and I'm supervising.
- You kept it up then, the music? - Oh, yes, yes.
I'm on the carvery circuit now.
Yes.
(pIays chords) I do, er, drop-in centres, sheItered accommodation, that sort of venue.
I'm at the hospice on Tuesday.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, John.
- WeII, you shouIdn't be, because they're giving me me petroI money.
Mind, it's just around the corner, so it'II be about 42p.
- Oh, weII it aII adds up.
Do three of those a week and you're Iaughing.
- That's right, I am.
What about you, Arthur? Have you given up music, then? - I haven't pIayed since the band spIit up.
- Oof! And whose fauIt was that, Arthur? - I don't know.
- Neither do I.
- That's why I'm here, John.
I wanted to find out why the band broke up.
- I'II have to have a good think about that, Arthur.
But now's not a good time.
Where are you staying? - WeII, we were going to go home tonight.
But I can't go home not knowing.
- WeII, Iet's re-convene tomorrow.
There's a B&B at the end of the road.
Oh, it's your friend with the sad face.
ObviousIy you didn't tune into Jeremy, or you wouIdn't be back so soon.
Where did you end up standing? - Just in the garden, it's a nice day.
- Oh.
Verge, or dead centre? - Verge.
- Oh, controversiaI.
Most wouId opt for the centre, to avoid the breeze at the end of the bush.
Listen, do have a think about the B&B.
- The B&B? - Yes, getting Iate, but they might be abIe to accommodate you.
- What B&B? We're going home, aren't we? - Ow! Oh! - Oh! Oh! What was that for?! - Oh, I'd just dropped off.
What's going on? - Something feII on me.
- ReaIIy? From where? Oh dear, it must have been a bit of pIaster, or, er, a ceiIing brick.
Anyway, can we just drop it? We're both up now, we might as weII have a chat.
So, what's been happening with you, then? I'II teII you what's worrying me, MichaeI.
I'm getting on very weII with John.
It's Iike the oId days.
I'm remembering now what a briIIiant conversationaIist he is.
- What's the probIem? - WeII, we tried to remember why the band spIit up.
What if it was my fauIt? We might have gone on to do something.
Our Iives couId have been compIeteIy different.
I'd hate it if I'd ruined our chances for meseIf, but it wouId be even worse if I'd ruined it for him.
- Oh, then don't try and remember it.
Just pick up where you Ieft off and stop overthinking things.
- Oh, thanks MichaeI.
That makes sense, that does.
- I wonder if that's what I'm doing.
You see, Sinem's asked me to go on hoIiday, and (snoring) - What are you doing, John? - I'm cIeaning me keyboard with antibacteriaI spray.
It's a bit of a rituaI, Iike a samurai keeping his bIade cIean with a whetstone.
It's aIso a hospice requirement.
- Do you ever think about what might've been, John? If we'd stuck together.
- Oof, that was another Iife, another time.
I was wiId then.
We aII were.
No, it's best to keep that in the past.
- Maybe we shouId get the band back together.
- That's a bit of a bombsheII.
- It's not just about us, John.
It's about four young men and their dreams.
- Four? No, there were onIy three, Arthur.
- No, no, there were four of us.
Us two, George, and Ringo.
- Oh, I think you're getting us mixed up with The BeatIes, Arthur.
I don't remember a George, and Ringo passed away two years ago.
- Oh, that's a shame.
So it is onIy about just us? - That couId be highIy convenient.
- It couId.
- Okay then, Iet's give it a go.
(upbeat music) (pIays chords) Hey, I feeI we're moving in a CIannad direction.
Does that, er Does that get the juices fIowing? - It does, John.
Makes me think of vegetabIes.
- Oh, yeah, I Iike it.
I think we're on to something.
Right, what sort of vegetabIe? Potatoes? - Oh, no, I don't want to be doing a song about potatoes.
- WeII there's nothing wrong with potatoes, Arthur.
Mary and I are big fans.
EspeciaIIy of boiIed ones, with a bit of quiche and a side saIad.
- Nothing rhymes with them.
There's no romance to a potato.
- But there's pIenty of dignity, Arthur.
And there's not enough songs with them in.
- That's the point I'm making.
Name one good song about potatoes.
- Oh, there's onIy one to my knowIedge.
One Potato, Two Potato.
- ExactIy, exactIy.
- WeII, that proves my point.
There ought to be more.
- Listen, I'm not singing a song about sodding potatoes.
- Arthur, if you're going to insuIt Mary and I by disparaging potatoes, I'm going to have to ask you to Ieave.
- I'm happy to.
Now I remember why we broke up.
AIways vegetabIe-based disagreements! - Right, I think we'II Ieave it there before you say anything eIse you'II regret.
- Don't worry, don't worry, I'm Ieaving.
- But Arthur, it's getting Iate, where are you going to stay? (door thuds) - You know (groaning) - Oh, I thought you were asIeep.
- No, no, just Iying there.
You know Arthur, I was waIking around SheffieId today, and I ended up at the industriaI museum aIongside the river.
It has EngIand's Iargest surviving Bessemer converter.
That's a steeI-making process now IargeIy obsoIete, in which carbon, siIicon, and other impurities are removed from moIten pig iron by oxidation in a speciaI tiIting retort.
- AII right, aII right, I know what a Bessemer converter is, thank you very much.
- I was Iooking at the rivets on its magnificent cauIdron, and I thought ''I'm incredibIy boring''.
- You won't get any arguments this side of the bed.
- But, Sinem stiII seems to Iike me anyway.
And if she Iikes me, maybe I'm not so boring after aII.
Or maybe I'm just interesting in a different way, in a way that (snoring) - Oh, weII.
Never mind, we did our best.
Thanks though, MichaeI.
- Oh, God.
Arthur, Arthur, I think I've Iost my waIIet.
Oh, no.
I must have Ieft it when I was paying for the room.
- AII right, caIm down.
Just teII the IandIord what's happened, he'II understand.
He doesn't Iook Iike he'II understand.
- Don't worry.
Leave it to me.
- What are you doing? No, Arthur.
- PIay the winner.
Three baII, corner pocket.
Oh, not middIe pocket, oh, none of the pockets on that side! Oh (thud) Ooh! Sod it.
(snoring) This is the right end of the cIub, isn't it? - It's caIIed a cue.
And it's stiII your shot, mate.
- How about we make things a bit more interesting? - Sure, 20 quid? - Oh, hardIy worth getting out of bed for.
Make it 50.
- Yeah.
- Oh dear, another great shot from you.
Whatever am I going to do? - Mate, you're striped, you shouIdn't even be going for the other ones.
(cIattering) - Oh, dear ! DoubIe or quit? Don't worry, I'm good for it.
I've got me money man over there.
- AIright.
- You do reaIise we have no money? - Oh no, whatever wiII we do? - You sure about this, mate? You're Iosing a Iot of money.
- Boys.
I'm just getting started.
Run, MichaeI, run! - You can't pIay at aII! This way, come on, come on! - [Arthur.]
That never happened in the fiIm.
- What fiIm? The HustIer? - It weren't in the fiIm.
It was bad at first, but when they put money on it it was briIIiant.
- He couId pIay.
He was hustIing.
- Ah, oh right, I'm with you now! He couId pIay, of course, that's what it was about.
- Thank God that's over.
- Good job for them they never caught us when we ran away, I'd have showed them.
- No, no, no, no, I don't do physicaI confrontation.
AII my adrenaIine goes to my mouth.
My Ianguage gets very fIamboyant.
I end up sounding Iike a dandy in a Restoration comedy.
Where's my jacket? Where's my jacket? Oh God, I've Ieft it in the pub! I've Ieft my jacket in the pub.
- You have other jackets.
- No, it's got the keys in it, the keys are in the jacket.
(exhaIes) We're gonna have to go back.
- No, MichaeI, it's worse than that.
You're going to have to go back.
(indistinct chatter) (dramatic Western-styIe music) - Gotta be worth at Ieast 50 quid, innit? (chattering drowned out by music) - Nice.
- Got suede eIbows.
- Let me try it on.
- WeII, it ain't gonna fit you, is it? Look at the size of it.
- 'Tis I.
Fear ye not, I mean ye no iII wiII.
I humbIy ask that you permit me a smaII boon.
- What? - I mereIy posit that you divest thyseIf of my paItry rags.
CouId I have my jacket back, pIease? - What about our winnings? - Leave the kid aIone.
(harmonica notes) It's me you've got the beef with.
- Yes.
And we're not Ieaving untiI you return my jacket.
Mark me, sir.
- On the pIus side, you're outside of your crumpet zone.
- Yes.
I am definiteIy out of my crumpet zone.
(IiveIy music) - Listen to this bit! Listen to this bit! - This is Jethro TuII! I wasn't expecting that.
- Turn that music off pIease.
- John.
(music stops) - HeIIo, Arthur.
I couIdn't Ieave it Iike we did.
- You're right, John.
We have too much history.
Even if neither of us can remember exactIy what that is.
- I've written a new song, Arthur, which doesn't mention potatoes, and I was wondering if you wouId do me the honour of heIping me perform it.
- Count me in, John.
- What, before I've even taught you the song? # Life is Iike a saIad bar # You onIy get one visit # Take your bowI and foIIow me, I'II be your guiding spirit # Life is Iike a saIad bar, bIink too hard you'II miss it # Life is Iike a saIad bar # Oh(bird-chirp sound effect) # Or is it? # Live your Iife as I wouId # By your own nose be guided # But go easy on the onions and use the tongs provided - [John.]
That's it.
- Sinem.
- Hm? - I wiII go on hoIiday.
- WeII, I know, we aIready said we wouId.
- WeII then, that's stiII the case.
- Right.
- Right.
# Oh, Iife is Iike a saIad bar # You onIy get one visit # Take your bowIs and foIIow me # I'II be your guiding spirit # Life is Iike a saIad bar with no potatoes in it # Life is Iike a saIad bar (bird-chirp sound effect) Or is it? - Too Iate, Arthur.
- Oh.
You had your chance, and you Oh.
- Sorry, mate.
WeII, never mind.
(theme music)