Crashing (US) (2017) s03e05 Episode Script

1 This is it.
Is this your first club weekend? Yeah, I've only done one-nighters.
I miss you.
I'm in a comedy condo.
I feel like I'm on witness protection.
Hey.
Are you working this weekend? Yeah, I just saw the lineup.
We could've, you know, come up together.
PETE: Yeah, I wish I had known.
- I'm actually dating somebody now, so.
- Cool.
PETE'S MOTHER: You wanna make people happy, darling? Remind them of your faith.
I'm six-foot-six.
I kind of look like Goliath if he went to prep school.
- Does that make sense? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You gotta get up when you can get up.
You gotta grind it.
I'm sorta considering doing this Christian tour.
I meant I mean, real comedy.
Right.
Yeah, no, I'm not I'm not sure I'm gonna do it either.
("CRUEL SUMMER" PLAYING OVER CAR STEREO) - It's a cruel - Cruel Cruel summer Leaving me here on my own - It's a cruel - It's a cruel Cruel summer Want some of this? Okay, 18 minutes until we get there.
I'm glad you're coming.
Me too, I'm excited to be on tour with you.
- Yeah, buckle up.
- Yeah, we can get room service and do drugs.
(LAUGHS) It's a Christian tour, and we're staying with my parents.
- (LAUGHS) - So, no.
I'm just happy to be with you.
Me, too.
(SIGHS) - Are you okay? - I mean yeah.
As okay as a guy who's taking the first girlfriend since his divorce home to his parents could be.
(CHUCKLES) That's the exit for my high school.
(GASPS) Can we go? - Seriously? - Yeah.
Fire up the DeLorean, we're going to 1997, baby.
Yeah! - KAT: This is it? - This is it.
KAT: Oh, my God.
Team Pete.
PETE: It is so weird to be back here.
KAT: I wish I had known you in high school.
PETE (LAUGHS): Yeah.
I don't think you would've noticed me.
I was such a stressed out kid.
My dad hadn't stopped drinking yet, and nobody told me I didn't have to carry all of my books to class - (KAT CHUCKLES) - so I was like a little hunchback.
- Oh.
- I bet you were cooler.
Somebody I'd be afraid to talk to.
No.
I was a mess in high school.
I was tall and gangly, and I was on swim team, so I smelled like chlorine all the time.
And I was friends with everybody, but nobody actually knew me.
I would've talked to you.
Thank you.
This is big for a high school.
Yeah.
It's like a campus.
It was bigger than my college.
And right here, once a year, we'd all do "See You at the Pole.
" What is that? Once a year, the Christian kids would hold hands around the flagpole and pray.
- Is that legal? - I have no idea.
(CHUCKLES) Your school didn't have "See You at the Pole?" It was a national thing.
No, we just bought drugs by the pole.
(CHUCKLES) - Do you want to pray right now? - No.
Although, maybe we should.
High school Pete thinks what grown-up Pete is doing is very, very bad.
I don't think so.
I bet he would love it.
(CHUCKLES) I think you're right.
Just don't tell the booker of the Good Faith Comedy Tour.
I think they think they're booking high school Pete.
KAT: Ooh, Sir Tanks-A-Lot.
Wait.
Do I smell like cigarettes? (SNIFFS) - A little bit.
- Uh-oh.
Well, I'll fix that.
I don't want them getting the wrong impression of me.
I always feel like I'm ten.
I'm in a car and I'm ten.
Now do I smell like cigarettes? (SNIFFS) You smell like French cigarettes.
- (LAUGHS) - (PHONE CHIMES) Red flower cigarettes.
Who's this? Oh, um I was gonna tell you about that.
It's, um Uh, it's just remember the weekend that I worked in, uh, New Jersey, at a club? - Did you fuck this girl? - No! God! It's nothing It's not like that at all.
It's it's it's it's a friend.
It's, uh We're barely friends.
She's my You know, we dated, - a while ago, and then, um - Okay, so it's someone that you used to fuck.
Um, hold on.
I know it sounds weird, but it was just work.
It was That's somebody I work with, and we had a thing, and that's over.
And I got to the condo, and she was there.
Wait.
You stayed in the same condo together? Kitty, I don't I I don't know what I - I don't know what I did.
- You don't know what you did? - I was doing my job.
- What you did is you lied.
- I didn't lie.
I didn't know.
- No, you omitted the truth.
I just, you know, to find the right moment.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings, so I wanted to wait for you to be in the right mood but not right before the move.
(CRYING): I can't believe this.
Kat Kitty, no.
- Hold on.
Can we just - (SOBBING) Can we talk about this later? I I think they saw the car.
(SNIFFLES) Yeah, let's go meet your parents.
Hold on.
Kitty, let's Hello! Sweetie! Oh, my best boy in the whole world.
- Hello, Mom and Dad.
- Hi! - You must be Kat.
- How are you? - PETE: Good to see you.
- Oh, you're so tall! You didn't tell me she was so tall.
This is Kat.
Yep, she's tall.
It's so nice to meet you both.
You have such a beautiful home.
Stop it.
You should see it when the begonias are in bloom.
I'm so sorry you came so late.
We just finished lasagna.
Oh, yeah.
We, um, we ate on the way, just a little bit.
Mr.
Holmes, I've heard so much about you.
Oh, please, call me Tom.
Mr.
Holmes is my doctor.
It's just a coincidence.
(LAUGHING) (POLKA MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY IN BACKGROUND) So, Kath Um, it's Kat, Dad.
- Oh, sorry.
- KAT: Yeah, that's fine.
I thought it was Kath like Kathy.
KAT: No, it's just Kat.
I went to school with a Kathy, Kathy Anstead.
She was Dutch.
- Oh, okay.
- Are you Dutch? - No.
- Huh.
- KAT: Yeah.
- I am so glad my boy is back in town.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mama.
It's good to be home.
- (SNIFFS) - TOM: Rita.
Give give the boy a little space.
Oh, all right.
(CHUCKLES) Your skin is like porcelain.
You must burn easily.
I do, I have to use a lot of sunscreen.
Ah, smart.
I just did ancestry.
com.
Did you, um What did you get? Oh, I didn't get it back yet.
Oh, okay.
And here's Pete with his brother John, who works with his dad.
- Isn't he a nut? - He's so cute.
And this is Pete on his mission to Uganda.
Look at him with braces.
Oh, yes.
Enough about us.
I want to hear about you.
Tell me about your family.
Uh, I have one big sister, who's an engineer.
- Oh my! - Yeah.
And your parents, where do they live? My mom is outside of D.
C.
, and my dad lives in Scottsdale, so they're divorced, yeah.
Aw, well Marriage is a tough thing.
It's not fifty-fifty.
It's a hundred-a hundred.
Totally.
Is that the Easter Bunny? Yes, it's a tradition.
- We recreate it every year.
- Oh, my God.
- RITA: Isn't he outrageous? - Totally.
(LAUGHS) And that, of course, is Pete's wedding day.
Oh.
She broke our hearts.
I'm gonna get you some fresh towels and a scented pillowcase.
- Cool, thank you.
- Sure.
TOM: Isn't she a beauty? Yeah.
Do you Do you canoe? Oh, a fellow up in Kennebunkport owed me for a tank job, and he gave me a deal.
He spent all summer restoring it.
It, uh Delivered it, too.
Isn't it smooth? Dad Where is there water? (TICKING) (KNOCKING) Sorry.
I know that was a lot.
Yeah, I could've used some advance warning about your mom's lap-sitting policy.
Why? (LAUGHING) Okay.
- I'm kidding, I know.
- Okay.
We My mom was like my best friend until I was twenty-two.
I get it.
Like I had a fucked up dynamic with my mom, too, but we figured it out and have worked through it.
It's hard to break away when your parents are abusive, so She she's a lot, but it's not I don't think it's abusive.
No, it is.
That's called "emotional incest," and it's really bad for both of you, and for your dad who has to watch all of this.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm really sorry about New Jersey, with Ali.
I don't even have to think about it.
As soon as you said it, I felt terrible.
And I'm really sorry, and I love you.
I love you, too.
- Thank God.
- You got a little nervous there for a second.
Yeah.
Sleep good.
Can you just stay? I want to.
I really want to sleep in this haunted dollhouse with you.
- I really do.
- Yeah.
Just join me in this nightmare room.
If you smell smoke, it's the echoes of murder.
- I'm teasing.
- Stop it.
- Good night.
- I love you.
I love you.
Don't worry about church.
- Okay.
- It's a piece of cake.
You stand, you sing, you sit, you listen, you pray.
Then we're at lunch.
Okay, sounds complicated.
- Piece of cake.
- I trust you.
- Okay.
- Okay, good night.
Okay, good night.
You'll be okay.
- It's not haunted.
- Okay.
Those clocks have no batteries, but it's not haunted.
(LAUGHING): I haven't seen them move in years! Praise God, from whom all blessings flow Praise Him, all creatures here below Praise Him above, ye heavenly host Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost A men Please, be seated.
Yes, Lord! We shout to you, Father God, that you might hear our prayer.
And a reminder to continue to lift up Ben and Whitney at our sister church in Uganda, as they continue to struggle with dysentery.
And now at this time, we invite you to stand and greet your neighbor.
You just you just say hello.
- Oh my God.
- Just shake my hand.
- This is so scary.
- It's okay.
Just look at me.
- Hi.
Peace be with you.
- Hi.
Thank you.
- You say, "And also with you.
" - Do I have to? - Absolutely not.
- Great.
Good luck.
Have fun.
- Hi.
Blessed be the fruit.
- WOMAN: It's nice to see you.
WOMAN: Peace be with you.
I love this cardigan on you.
It's a great color.
- Hi.
Shabbat shalom.
- Oh, thank you.
"But whoever drinks the water that I give them will never thirst.
Indeed, the water I give them will become in them " Living water.
" a spring of water, welling up to eternal life.
" Now, what Jesus is asking us, here, is to see past our own physical needs - Look past the problem.
- Shh! and live life on the spiritual plane.
- In the world - But not of it.
- but not of it.
- Shh.
- That wasn't so bad, right? - It was okay.
Um, what's going on with your dad? - Is he losing his hearing? - Yeah, we don't know.
- Oh, no.
- Come on, I want to show you off to the pastor.
PETE: Oh, um, sure.
I'm gonna grab a coffee.
Do you want one? We're fine, dear.
- You? - Yeah.
Okay, see you in a second.
That was a lovely service, wasn't it? Yeah, it was beautiful.
The pastor certainly has a way with words.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's done some acting, you know.
- Oh my gosh! - Last year, he did the Sermon on the Mount from memory.
Wow.
Are you excited about the show tonight? Oh, we're so excited.
I'm so glad the Lord is using Peter's gift for His purpose.
He's always had a calling.
Yeah.
I think this is gonna be so good for his brand.
Like, this is his market.
Well, it's not his brand.
It's his heart.
He's found a path that falls in line with his faith.
I think Peter's spirituality is a little more fluid these days, like mine.
Oh.
Were you raised in the church? I wasn't raised with anything formal, um But I just sort of believe that God is in all of us.
You know, like we're all God in drag, you know? It's just consciousness.
Like, I don't pray, I just listen to the part of me that is God.
So you think you're God? Yeah, but I think you're God, too.
Sweetheart, God is God.
The ocean is made of water, but we're all made of water, too.
Yeah but you're not the ocean.
The ocean is the ocean.
You're a human being.
I think we're saying the same thing, just with different words.
- Oh.
- (CHUCKLES) Uh, I'm gonna go get a coffee.
I'll be right back.
You sure you don't want to come? Massachusetts is at its least depressing this time of year.
I'm good, uh, it's been only a day, and I've already heard some of your dad's jokes twice, so Yeah, that's my dad.
If you come to lunch, I guarantee, he'll call ketchup "Irish gravy.
" Yeah, I already heard that one.
- Really? - Yes.
Have you heard him say, "I don't drink water, fish make love in it?" Heard 'em all.
It's W.
C.
Fields.
He stole it.
It's pretty good.
Also, this way, I can keep on looking through your yearbook and snoop around your childhood bedroom.
You're not gonna find anything good except a pretty mild nursing bra catalog in the top drawer.
Yum.
- We won't be long.
- Bye.
Asshole.
And I had a crush on her.
- (GIGGLES) - Have fun.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What are your three favorite parks in Brooklyn, Peter? I'd have to think about that, Dad.
Isn't it beautiful? It is.
It's really nice to be back, Mama.
Oh.
How are, uh How are you and Dad doing? Oh, your father is a pain in the neck.
He's always there.
He doesn't listen.
We don't talk like you and I do.
I wish you'd come home more often.
I'm only happy when you're here.
I'm here now.
- Oh my gosh.
- Look at that haircut.
Isn't that outrageous? Isn't Kat great? Yes, she's lovely.
Yeah, it's really important to me that you like her, you know? - Mm.
I do.
- Really important.
Yeah.
She's certainly her own person, isn't she? What does that mean? Petey, I don't want to be discouraging.
No, I want to know.
I want to know what you think.
It's just us.
Well, I'm sure she's fun for a good time and all.
- And she's very exciting.
- Mom.
She has a very interesting take on how the world works.
She didn't grow up in an evangelical super church.
Is that what you mean? I mean she's a little New Age for me.
That's just very popular right now.
She read some Deepak Chopra.
She has an Eckhart Tolle calender.
She reads me the quotes.
He quotes Jesus all the time.
- Oh.
- It's not as far out as you might think.
- So she's deep? - Pak Chopra.
(LAUGHING) She's just not as sweet as my Petey.
Rita! Squirrels! I'm sorry about him.
So am I.
I'll try with this new girl.
Would you? You guys are weirdos.
You know that, right? We're not a normal family.
No, I know.
Is is this for the performers? My cup runneth over, huh? Yeah, this is a crazy spread.
I've never seen anything like it.
I'm Pete, by the way.
I'm a comic.
Oh, me too.
Fudge.
- Fudge? - Yeah.
That's that's not your name? No, no.
My real name is John, but Fudge is an acronym I go by Funny Unique Devoted Gentleman Entertainer.
Yeah, based on just this brief interaction, I think you're very fudgy.
(LAUGHING) Thank you.
I didn't see you at the last show.
Ah, yeah, man, I was on the road.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I do clubs, too.
You know, I was in Utah, Disney.
- Disney? - Disney.
- You did stand-up comedy at Disney? - In Disney, yeah.
That's incredible! They let you in the park for free? Yeah, and after hours, too.
You get this tour when nobody's there, man.
- It's awesome.
Yeah.
- Get out.
Word of adive: Don't follow the ventriloquist.
'Cause a ventriloquist can say whatever he wants 'cause the audience thinks the dummy don't have a soul.
- Is that true? - It's true.
All right, guys, let's circle up.
All right, let's Dear Heavenly Father, thank you so much for the opportunity to perform this evening, and we pray that we'd all perform our personal best.
And we pray all this in the mighty name of Jesus.
- And all God's people said? - ALL: Amen.
All righty.
Let's have a great show.
(PLAYING BLUEGRASS MELODY) I heard about a man one day Who wasted not his time away He prayed to God every morning, noon, and night He cared not for the king's decree He prayed to God every morning, noon, and night Have you been smoking? No, someone was smoking in the bathroom.
In church? Yeah, I thought it was weird, too.
He prayed to God every morning, noon, and night I sing because I'm free His eye is on the sparrow And I know he watches This molding is incredible.
Me (CHEERING, WHISTLING) This guy tells me he's taking over to the point where I hope Heaven got WiFi.
(LAUGHTER) But think about it.
Really think about it.
Heaven should have WiFi, you know what I'm saying? They got unlimited cloud space.
(LAUGHTER) There's a terabyte right here, know what I'm saying? Look at that terabyte, know what I'm saying? Think about it, Heaven should have WiFi, 'cause I know Hell got a lot of hot spots, and then, uh (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) They ain't gonna be worrying about reception down there.
They gonna be on Snaptchat and Instagram talking about #burning.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I love all of the miracles.
I love that Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.
That's a big one.
Do you think there's even a small chance that Lazarus didn't want to be raised from the dead? (LAUGHTER) Like, nobody asked Lazarus.
He was dead.
So his family family, you can't trust family.
The family assumed he didn't want to be dead.
Maybe Lazarus wanted to be dead.
Can you imagine if Jesus raised him, and Lazarus came up like, (INHALES) "Oh, man!" (LAUGHTER) "This again? I was just in Heaven.
You were there.
" (LAUGHTER) "The deposit on my funeral was non-refundable.
" (LAUGHTER) "I was gonna break up with my girlfriend.
Now I have to do it.
" (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) My goodness, seeing you on that stage with the cross, you just looked so right at home.
You were so great.
Wasn't it a great show? Everybody's so good.
- You were the best part.
- Oh, you must be so proud.
- She's adorable.
- Oh, thank you.
And this here is my baby.
Can you believe this came out of me? Oh.
Have a good evening.
- Good night.
- You were so awesome.
Are we, uh, gonna get dinner? Yes, Carol's working at Legal.
We have an 8:30 reservation.
- Great.
- Peter What do you think is the most important trait for a performer? Confidence? - I don't know, Dad.
- I think it's confidence.
FDR, he had confidence.
Right.
Yeah.
No, he's one of the greats.
You're saying that I need to put on a bra? Oh, hold on, Dad.
RITA: The way you're dressed is very distracting.
Hold on.
What are you doing? She just told me to put on a bra.
Well, are you wearing a bra? - Is that your business? - Mom! It's my business when you're sitting next to me in church.
It's not church, it's a comedy show.
In a church! - Mom.
- Peter! She made your father feel very uncomfortable.
Really? Dad complained about my girlfriend wearing a bra? No, I could feel how uncomfortable he was, and every man in there.
Jesus, Mom! How is that supposed to make her feel? - Peter, watch your mouth! - No! Well, what if what if her parents told me that my pants are too tight, that they can see my cock? - Peter! - It's okay.
No, it's not okay! We're not we're out of here.
We're going.
- RITA: Where are you going? - We're not coming.
Enjoy your haddock.
- Peter - Let him go, Rita.
He'll be okay.
(TOM SNORING) (DOOR OPENS) Hey.
Get in here.
Okay.
(TOM SNORING) (SIGHING) (MOANING AND HEAVY BREATHING) (BED CREAKING) KAT: Oh God.
- (MOANING LOUDLY) - (BED CREAKING) I beez in the trap, be-beez in the trap I beez in the trap, be-beez in the trap Oh, Pete! Got a new LS 450 Ain't no keys in this doohicky If I weren't rappin' I'd be trappin' If I weren't trappin' I'd be pimpin' If I weren't pimpin' I'd be gettin' it, period I beez in the trap, be-beez in the trap I beez in the trap, be-beez in the trap (ALARM CHIMING) Morning.
Morning.
She was faking it, you know.
A mother knows.
Good morning.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Ooh, I'm starving.
Me, too.
Yum.
Mmm, so good.
RITA: But cold.
I don't mind.
Yum.
I want to break free I want to break free I want to break free from your lies You're so self-satisfied, I don't need you I've got to break free God knows God knows I want to break free But life still goes on I can't get used to living without, living without Living without you by my side I don't want to live alone Hey God knows Got to make it on my own So, baby, can't you see I've got to break free