Curb Your Enthusiasm s03e05 Episode Script

Four for David.
Let me see no, I'm not finding that.
Try Braudy.
B-R-A-U-D-Y.
Here we go, for four.
All right.
They haven't arrived.
Would you like to be seated? - Sure.
- Right this way.
I'm looking.
They automate it right.
I'll tell you that.
- Hey.
- Hey, look who's here.
- Guys, how are you? - Good to see you.
What are you doing here? Well, let me guess.
We're gonna take a nap, yeah.
We're gonna meet some friends and have dinner.
Okay, I didn't mean to pry into your life there.
I meant, what are you doing in general? What's going on? You know what? I'm investing in a restaurant.
What are you touching? No reason to touch.
- Did I overstep my boundary? - No touching here.
- Do you need the money? - I think it will be fun to do, you know, showing people to their table.
You'll be working there like a busboy? No remember when we used to hang out in comedy clubs in New York? I didn't invest.
I just went there and I left.
I didn't lock up.
- Are you gonna lock up the restaurant? - I'm not gonna lock up.
"See you there, Rocco.
" I went with "Rocco.
" - Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
'Night, Paul, see you later.
Larry, you are so rude.
Why? You didn't say one word to Mindy.
You didn't look in her direction the whole time.
Did you say anything to her? You do that all the time.
I said hello, didn't I? I don't think you did, honestly.
- I didn't say hello? - No.
- No, I said hello.
- I don't think you did.
I think you were very caught up in Paul.
You didn't even look over at her.
Oh, she must think I'm such an asshole.
Yeah.
Did you even notice her? Well, I smelled her perfume.
It's hard not to notice.
Well, she owns a perfume shop.
The whole night is just you can't leave your house.
Bye, bye.
She didn't even wave goodbye or anything.
By the way, when the check comes tonight, Stu can pick it up.
Don't pick up the check.
- Yeah, I paid the last two times - You have.
He runs to the bathroom every time the check comes.
I've noticed the bathroom trick.
- He's got that trick down.
- He really does.
Hi.
I'm so late, late.
No, you're not late, don't worry about it.
Good to see you.
We would've been here if we'd valeted the car instead of trying to find a parking space.
I'm not gonna valet the car.
I got this new Cadillac CTS.
Drives like a dream.
I'm gonna give it to the valet? Yeah, it's our third child.
Did you happen to run into the Reisers outside? We saw them, but no eye contact.
No, they didn't see us.
They're not invited to the NRDC benefit at your house? I don't think it would be a good idea, do you? It just felt like it would be hypocritical.
It is so generous of you guys to open your house to this benefit.
- And your hearts.
- It's a big undertaking.
It is a big undertaking.
But you know what? I get to have Alanis Morissette singing in my living room.
- I cannot wait.
- She's fantastic.
That first album the song "You Oughta Know" And she's referring to this "Mr.
Duplicity" Larry has no idea what we're talking about.
When you said "Mr.
Duplicity," I thought you were referring to me You know who it's about? Her guitar player.
No, it's a big secret.
She's never said.
She has never she's never said.
It was an actor in a sitcom about a family.
Yeah, or I think I've heard her manager.
But it's this huge secret.
She'll tell me.
People confide in me.
- She'll open up to you, Larry.
- Everybody opens up to me.
I'll find out.
I'm gonna find out the big secret.
- Okay, good.
- Your parents are out here? Yeah, yeah, they moved out.
- How's your mom? - Ah, you know, so-so.
Yeah.
- Who could go for some wine? - I could, yeah.
- Oh, that was good.
- That was great.
It's official.
I'm now full.
Now you are.
The Fat Boy's Special.
You're done? I'll go to the little fat boy's room.
I know, okay.
He knows.
- It's the Fat Boy's Special.
- Look what you've done.
He knows.
Well, it was good to see you guys again.
It was great to see you.
I probably won't till - Probably the benefit.
- Yeah.
I said don't pick up the check! Well, last night was it, believe me.
All right, I'm going out.
All right.
What will I do about Mindy Reiser? I wish I could make it up to her.
I could've at least asked about the perfume store.
People love when you ask them about what they're doing.
Next time you see her just be nice to her.
She thinks I'm the world's biggest schmuck.
Hey, Larry.
I got to talk to Cheryl.
Hey, Wanda, what's going on? I have some news.
Are you okay? Yeah, and no.
But I got to tell you something.
You might as well get over here too.
Oh, my God, you're so serious.
- It's big.
- What's going on? Okay.
My brother his best friend works for the CIA.
He got this information from the highest source possible.
There is going to be a terrorist attack this weekend in LA.
Yeah, and you cannot tell a soul.
My brother told me, but I'm not supposed to tell anybody.
But you know, you my girl, I had to tell you.
- Thank you.
- I'm getting out of town.
I'm going to Vegas with my boyfriend.
- I advise y'all to do the same.
- What kind of attack? Attack, Larry.
Anthrax, a bomb, I don't know.
It could be something crazy.
And this is They said it's 90% sure that something's gonna go down.
- Why can't we tell anybody? - They don't want panic, Cheryl.
That's why they're not telling anybody.
We got to get out of here.
- Yeah, get out of here.
- This weekend there's a big NRDC benefit that we've been working on for months.
Alanis Morissette is gonna be there.
I'm just, I'm thinking out loud.
Why don't we call the terrorists and ask them could they pick another weekend more suited for you? Postpone the benefit, let's get out of here.
I thought I'd never say this, but Larry's right.
If we don't show up at the benefit, - what will people - lf? What? Look, okay, I did my part.
You're my friend, I had to tell you.
- Thank you.
- I'm going to Vegas.
- Okay, okay.
- Y'all out your mind.
I'm trying to help people, they're talking about a benefit.
Call me when you get back into town.
Hopefully you'll be here.
Wow.
Yeah, Larry.
I just don't see how we can leave this weekend.
This whole NRDC benefit was my idea.
I talked the Braudys into having it at their house.
Alanis Morissette is coming to sing.
I mean, I just I just know I can't leave town.
Well, maybe you know, maybe I can I can go.
And where are you gonna go? I could go golfing at Pebble Beach, maybe? Mm-hmm.
Do you think that's a good idea? For us to be apart if something did happen? Then at least, you know, one of us would survive.
It just seems like if we're gonna go, - we should go together.
- Not necessarily.
Almost seems a little selfish that you would want both of us to perish.
So, you'd be fine going on without me? Well, it would be very difficult at first, I'm sure.
But hopefully I could at some point get back some semblance of a life.
Okay if you feel good about one of us dying and the other one surviving, and you can live with that for the rest of your life, then you should go golf this weekend.
- I'll think about it.
- Think about it.
Hey, Mindy.
Oh, Larry.
Paul's not here.
I came actually to see you.
Do you have a few minutes? I need to talk to you, it's pretty important.
- You came to see me? - Yeah.
What for? Okay, this is going to sound a little crazy.
But believe me, it's all true.
I have a friend who has a friend whose brother works in the CIA.
And he has it from the highest possible source that there's going to be a terrorist attack on Los Angeles this weekend.
- It sounds crazy.
- You're putting me on.
- I'm not putting you on.
- This is a joke.
- Larry, come on.
- This is not a joke, this is the truth.
- Paul put you up to this? - No, he didn't.
I haven't even spoken to him.
You have a contact in the government? - Totally reliable.
- Are you serious? Mindy, your life is in danger.
Get out of here.
What kind of attack is it gonna be? - It wasn't very specific.
- Where? It could be anywhere.
It's in LA.
Oh my God, I can't believe it.
Oh my God, all right.
Okay? I have to call my sister.
No, no, no, you can't tell anybody.
I have to call my mother.
She's 80 years old.
She can't survive a terrorist attack.
You can't say anything, Mindy.
Okay, she lives in Orange County.
She's kind of far away.
They're not going to Orange County, the terrorists.
They have nothing in Orange County.
So we've got to get out of town, huh? - Absolutely.
- Maybe we'll go to the desert.
Maybe that will be good? Palm Springs? Palm Springs, why not? It's 90 minutes, very nice.
Where do you stay when you're there? - Four Seasons.
- Four Seasons? Yeah.
Maybe we'll go there, or up north.
Santa Barbara is lovely this time of year.
Where are you and Cheryl going? Unfortunately, we can't go.
You can't oh, the Braudys' NRDC event.
- You know about that thing, huh? - Of course I know about it.
Our invitation got "lost in the mail" or something.
- I don't want to get in the middle - No, listen, I know you and Cheryl don't have anything to do with it.
It's between us and the Braudys.
But it's amazing you are staying in town risking your lives for something like this.
It's unbelievable.
Cheryl wanted to leave, I thought it's best that we go to the benefit.
It's amazing.
I have a million things to do, but I'm curious about something.
- Why did you tell me? - What are you talking about? You're friends, we like you so much, you and Paul, you know.
I was driving around, I saw your shop, I thought, "I've got to tell Mindy.
" I have really misjudged you.
I can't thank you enough.
You are an amazing person.
You are a wonderful human being.
- I can't thank you enough.
- I'm trying to be a good friend.
I understand.
Listen! I have some samples.
I want you to take these.
Give them to Cheryl, okay? With my love.
Here you go.
She'll like these.
- Nothing for men? - Oh, yeah, here.
You'll like these.
This is aftershave.
- Uh-huh.
- This is before-shave.
Got you some of these samples.
What? These are moisturizers from Mindy Reiser's shop.
Really? I wish I would've known you were going.
She carries that perfume Wanda wears that I love.
Would've had you pick me up a bottle.
Why did you go there? To kind of apologize for the other night.
Larry David apologize? - That's very - Why, is that unusual? It's unusual, yes, highly unusual, yes.
I feel like I apologize to somebody every day.
- Are you kidding me? - Who says "I'm sorry" more than me? Do you know anybody in the world? I'll get it.
Hello.
- Hi, Paul.
Yeah - Paul Reiser? Hello? Hey.
Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah, l well I don't know.
90%.
Well, hey, come on.
Of course, no problem.
I'm happy to.
Yeah, okay.
Well, you take care.
- All right, bye.
- What was that about? Oh, you know, I went to apologize to his wife.
Oh.
And what was "90%"? He asked me what the chances were that this could happen again - that I'd ignore her.
- Right.
Listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking, I really think we should reconsider going we should get out of here, don't you think? No.
This is crazy, to hang around here.
What for? We are gonna stay right here.
- Where are all the cars? - I don't know.
Is there a valet we missed or something? - Hi.
- Hey, Stu.
Hi, Larry and Cheryl.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
- Where's all the cars? - Please come in.
The party's in full swing.
Come on.
Are we the first ones here? Where is everybody? I'm actually surprised you're here, 'cause, you know, there's a terrorist attack that is going to "take out the entire city of Los Angeles.
" Some time this weekend.
You'll notice Alanis Morissette is not here.
- Obviously.
- She got very nervous, - she said she wouldn't sing.
- She left town.
- Really? - Gone.
Yeah.
- 'Cause she heard? - Apparently the word kind of spread.
It sounds like it might've started with Mindy Reiser.
And guess who told Mindy? Who? - Me? - What? - No! - You told Mindy Reiser about this? Okay, so you knew? This is exactly what Wanda said! She said don't cause a panic, don't tell people.
Did we not have this discussion? - It's a little embarrassing - This is a little embarrassing.
This is humiliating beyond belief is what this is.
I felt bad because I snubbed Mindy at dinner the other night, I didn't talk to her and l Told her there'd be a terrorist attack in Los Angeles this weekend? There was supposed to be one! - You tell Mindy Reiser? - She has betrayed us Time after time.
She opens her mouth.
You can't tell that woman anything.
Why do you think we don't talk to her? - I don't know! - She has a big mouth! And by the way, Larry, thank you for telling us about this terrorist attack.
- I didn't tell anybody else.
- You told Mindy.
That's really nice of you.
Why don't you call your friends, the Reisers? Why don't you have a little bite with them? Since you snubbed them and all, go ahead, all right? I am going to bed.
Have a little bite with the Reisers.
At least they pick up a check every now and then.
- What the hell does that mean? - What? I know what you do every time the check comes you run to the bathroom.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Honey, don't! You don't think I know about that bathroom trick? - I invented that trick.
- Go to hell! The "bathroom trick"? I got a problem, a medical problem.
Yeah, you got a problem paying money.
- No, thank you.
- I'll take one, thanks.
Mmm, very good.
- Who's the chef? - I don't know.
- I shouldn't ask.
- I don't think you should.
Thank you okay, that's enough, come on.
I just want to know, for the restaurant.
Were you not listening when Wanda told you not to tell anybody? She trusted you not to say anything to anyone.
Why in the world would you tell Mindy Reiser? I was trying to get on her good side.
I guess what we should do is have it here.
What? Reschedule the benefit and have it here.
Okay.
And I'll have to ask the Braudys to come over.
The Braudys? No, no, no.
They're not coming, forget it.
They went way over the line tonight.
Invite the Reisers, not the Braudys.
Invite the Reisers for spite.
This isn't a game, Larry.
Braudys "freaking.
" Everything's "freaking" with this guy.
He can't say the word fuck? I can understand why they'd be upset, Larry.
Freaking asshole.
You don't gargle much, do you? It's fun.
You should think about it.
You should think about how much money you just lost for the NRDC.
N-E-S-T-L-E-S Nestle's makes the very best Sorr-ry.
Hey, Larry, how come you never told me? I heard there was supposed to be a terrorist attack and you knew about it? How come you never told me? I wasn't allowed to tell anyone.
You told somebody.
I mean, I found out.
So you could've told me something.
I could there were too many people, I wasn't supposed to.
My kids could've been wiped out.
They go to school.
I'm sorry, but it's okay, nothing happened.
I know, but something could've happened.
We could've been killed, you know? - You could've given me a hint.
- Next time, I'll tell you.
Take your kids out of the school or something like that.
I'll tell you next time, I'm sorry.
You could've said something.
Let me call you back.
- Do you have a minute? - Yeah.
Larry, I can't believe that you knew there was a terrorist threat and didn't tell me.
Here we go with this again.
- Me? - I couldn't tell anyone.
I'm the person that's here for you five days a week.
I've taken your laundry and dry cleaning.
I didn't tell a lot of people.
I only told one person.
- You've told me secrets before.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Now I have to have everybody mad at me, 'cause I didn't tell everybody I know? It's not my fault, I told one person.
Wanda is here, she's in the restroom.
She'll be out in a minute.
She'd like to speak with you.
Hey, big mouth! What did I tell you, Larry? Do you think this'll get me out of the dog house? - This is hard to find.
- Can I smell that? Yeah, oh yeah.
That's the one Wanda got.
That's it, yeah.
I hope it does the trick.
Paul and I spent the whole weekend in Palm Springs.
- It was really a disruption.
- Yeah.
To pack up and leave like that.
I'm sorry there wasn't an attack.
Well, Larry, I know that you had the best of intentions.
But my God, it was a huge inconvenience for us.
I was just trying to save your life.
Yes, I know.
We drove three hours to the desert with the dog and the cats.
Four Seasons was booked.
We ended up staying at a Super Eight motel.
- It was awful.
- I'm sorry I mentioned anything.
I tried to be a nice guy, I'm trying to save your life, and you have a terrible weekend on my account.
Larry, no, I understand.
It would've been nice if there was a small explosion, where nobody got hurt.
A little firecracker or something.
What happened with you? How did the NRDC thing go? - Not too good.
- What happened? - Nobody showed up.
- Why not? Everybody heard about the terrorist attack and left town.
Oh my God.
'Cause I didn't say anything, I was wondering if perhaps you had mentioned something to anyone.
Why would I say anything? You told me not to.
- Oh, that's terrible - Hey, it's Martin Short.
- Larry? - I know him.
Larry! Lar Marty! Larry! Oh my God, Larry, how are you? - Good.
How you doing? - I'm good.
How are you? Good.
How's your show doing on the Comedy Central? You do that big fat guy - "Prime Time Glick.
" - "Prime time Glick"? How do you do that voice? I try and do it at home.
It's ranges that go high and then go very low.
"Ranges that go high and then go very low.
" But you're not going low high, very high.
Very high No, that sounds like Miss Piggy.
It's not that at all.
It's much more not to pat myself on the back, much more original.
Oh, my goodness, Larry David.
"Oh, my goodness, Larry David.
" - How wonderful to see you.
- "How wonderful to see yoo-ou.
" You have that kind of flat New Yawk thing.
Well, let me try one more time.
High, and then low.
And then be stunned in the middle.
No, now you've had a stroke.
You don't want to play a stroke victim, 'cause that's urrgh! Oh, Jesus.
You know what? I left her hanging in the store.
She's gonna be mad.
There are more impersonations I'd love to teach you.
- Well, good to see you.
- Okay.
Good to see you, Larry.
Pick it up just a little closer.
We may not even need this actually.
- I don't know about that.
- I don't know.
The acoustics are great in this house.
And you would know because We often have Friday night services here.
Oh, my God, this is so exciting.
I am so excited.
I'm acting like I'm not thrilled to be sitting here with you, but I am just out of my mind right now.
Me too, I've been urinating all day.
Really? That's the effect I often have on people.
You've got to be kidding me?! They invited the Reisers and not us? I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I'm gonna do something.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming over.
I can't wait for tonight.
Yeah, me too.
I'll see you guys.
Okay, see you later.
All right.
Hey, you gonna do, "You Oughta Know"? We can.
You want that one? Yeah.
That would be good.
We haven't done it in a while so we can do it the unplugged version.
A lot of discussion about that song.
Yeah, nonstop for a while.
It's dying down a little bit, thank God.
You never tell anybody, huh? No.
I purposely don't tell anybody because it's not what the song is written for.
Sure, I understand.
Ever want to unburden yourself, I just want you to know I won't tell a soul I won't even tell her.
- Really? - Absolutely.
You guys don't have pillow talk where you divulge things? When people tell me something, they only tell me.
- They don't tell both of us.
- All right, that's cool.
I haven't really told anyone.
It would be maybe good to I'll tell you.
But you can't tell anybody.
Don't worry, I won't say a word.
Hmm, interesting.
So that's who it is.
I'll see you later.
- All right, see you later.
- Yeah, bye.
What did I miss? She was telling me what songs she'll do and all that.
Oh, okay.
I'll make these guys a sandwich real quick.
- Do you want something? - No.
- No, you're good? - Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Why don't you guys come back here with me? - I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks.
Cool.
- Jesus.
- You didn't even freaking look.
You come flying down the hill You were going a 1,000 miles an hour on the left side.
What is this, Australia? - Are you okay? - Yes, I'm okay.
My neck hurts.
This is a Cadillac, a CTS, a brand new car.
You're trying to sabotage the event, aren't you? - By the way, thanks for inviting us.
- Freak you! - Freak you! - Freak you! But this won't work now the way it once did And I won't keep it up, even though I would love to Once I know who I'm not, then I'll know who I am But I know I won't keep on Playing the victim.
Thank you so much.
Under the circumstances Mindy Reiser's been snubbing me all night.
- She has? - She won't even look at me.
- Because of the Martin Short thing? - Yeah.
I turned it around, and then I do it again.
I think we have one song left that was specially requested.
It's called "You Oughta Know.
" It goes something like this.
I want you to know That I'm happy for you Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
The best for you both I know who this song is about.