Dad's Army (1968) s03e05 Episode Script

Oh, good morning, Mr Jones.
Good morning, Frank.
- How's Mr Mainwaring this morning? - A bit tired, I think.
All these night patrols getting him down? They're getting my mum down.
She's fed up with me and Uncle Arthur coming in at all hours.
There's none of us getting enough sleep.
With a war on, we've all got to get used to going short.
That's what my Uncle Arthur told my mum, Mr Jones.
- Is this your wages cheque for the week? - Yeah, it's a bit bigger this week.
L2 12s 6d.
That's 30 shillings for Miss Mortimer at the cash desk.
And that's 22s 6d for the boy Raymond.
He used to get L1, but I've given him a rise this week.
I see.
Now then, if you wanna keep good staff, you've got to pay 'em properly.
Oh, yes.
There's two L1 notes, a ten-shilling note and a half crown.
I think I'll put this in the carrier bag.
If people get to know I'm carrying wages, I might get knocked on the head.
Hello, Jonesy! You drawing out the wages? Ssh! Not so loud! - Hello, Spikey! - Morning, Mr Walker.
Are you paying in again? Yeah, well, I can't keep it all under the mattress.
It gets so lumpy.
- There's something funny about this L5 note.
- You mean it's a dud? I'd better show it to Mr Mainwaring.
I tell you what.
I'll look after the shop, see nobody nicks nothing! Here, are you paying in or taking out? 'Ere, do you want any clothing coupons? A bob apiece? - No, thank you.
- I'll do a special price, ten bob a dozen.
No, thank you! - Petrol coupons? - I haven't got a car.
- Ah, now, I can help you there.
- Oh! Look here, Walker.
This L5 note's a forgery.
Oi, hang on.
What's all this ''Walker'' bit? I'm not on parade now.
I'm a customer! - (LAUGHS) - Pike, I'll deal with this.
Just come along to the nextwill you? - I cannot accept this note, Mr Walker.
- Do you mean it's a fake? A very obvious one! Only a fool would be taken in by it.
Who gave it to you? - You did.
- Didn't you examine it? I did? When? Last week.
Don't you remember? I got you three bottles of whisky.
All right, I'll give you five ones for it.
You wanna take more care of your money, Mr Mainwaring.
There you are.
Can you get me some razor blades? - They're a bit scarce.
Ten bob a dozen.
- That's a bit steep! I know.
I told you they were scarce.
Give me the money and I'll bring 'em in tonight.
- Got any change? - No, I haven't got ten bob.
Here, wait a minute.
I'll take it out of your money.
Just a moment, Pike.
Just a minute.
There you are.
Right, that's one for you and one for me.
You're a financial wizard.
I don't wonder they made you a bank manager.
I'll see you on parade tonight, Mr Walker.
I'll be there, Mr Mainwaring.
Don't take any more dud fivers! Mr Mainwaring! Do you mind if I have a word with you, please? - Certainly, sir.
- My name is West.
- Did you wish to open an account? - No, I did not.
I'm an inspector from the head branch.
Ah! Perhaps we'd better go into my office.
Yes, perhaps we better had.
I'll open the door for you.
Come this way, please What's Mainwaring been up to, having an inspector here? Let me take your hat and gas mask.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Do sit down.
Do you always interview people with a revolver on your desk? Oh, yes.
Especially in the spring.
- What's the spring got to do with it? - Hitler is only waiting for the spring to invade.
And I suppose you'll stop him with that pop gun? Not only me.
My platoon are all fully armed and trained to kill.
Really? Well, I shall come to the point at once, Mr Mainwaring.
Your monthly report to head office has been becoming very irregular lately.
May I point out to you, Mr West, that I'm not only responsible for the running of this branch, but I'm also responsible for the whole stretch of the coast from Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Novelty Rock Emporium.
Some of you chaps will be heartbroken when this war's over.
You love the Home Guard.
It gives you every opportunity for dressing up and strutting about in uniform.
For your information, Mr West, I never strut.
Good grief! What's that damn great gun doing there? That is a Lewis machine gun Mark 1.
We keep it there because it covers the high street from Stead and Simpson's to Timothy White's.
You mean you'd use that to shoot at Germans? If they were coming out of Timothy White's, yes.
- But they might shoot back.
- Very probably.
They would damage the bank.
This is highly irregular.
I'll have to report this to head office.
- Really, I - (AIR-RAID SIREN) Excuse me.
- Sergeant Wilson, Private Pike! - Coming, sir! This is Sergeant Wilson, my chief clerk.
Mr West from head office.
Private Pike, one of my cashiers.
- What day is it, Pike? - Thursday, sir.
What plan do we put into operation on Thursday? - Plan B, sir.
- Right, carry on, please.
Please, can I put Plan B into operation? You promised me last week.
That's what I like to hear - keenness.
You don't mind, Sergeant? - No, sir, not at all.
- Carry on.
Attention, all staff! Plan B will be put into operation! Non-combatant staff to Shelter A.
Captain Mainwaring, Sergeant Wilson and Private Pike to Shelter B! - Potential NCO material, I think, Wilson? - Oh, yes.
Awfully good, yes, very good.
Well, that's how it works here, sir.
Like a smooth, well-oiled, precision machine.
- No panic.
No fuss.
- No.
Just one little thing you've forgotten.
- What's that? - Today happens to be Friday.
You stupid boy! Go and stop them at once! Come on, Frank, quickly! When they sound the last all clear Oh, really, Mainwaring! What a complete waste of time! Two hours we've been in that shelter doing nothing! We only heard one plane and it might have been one of ours.
Oh, no, sir, it was definitely a Dornier.
You could tell by the noise the engine made.
- (MIMICS ENGINE WHINE) - That'll do, Pike.
He's right, sir.
They do have a high-pitched whine.
(MIMICS WHINE) Ours have a much lower and rather more steady sound.
(MIMICS LOW-PITCHED ENGINE NOISE) You can always tell if it's a Jerry plane.
It has a nasty, high, foreign sound.
(ALL MIMIC AIRCRAFT WHINE) - This is no time for a lecture on enemy aircraft! - Get on with your work, Pike! - Just leave the room.
- You realise I shall Good heaven's above! How did that hole get there? - I never noticed that before.
Have you, Wilson? - No, I haven't.
You fools! Youfools! While you've been playing soldiers, somebody's broken into the bank! Get on to the police! Sir, all the money's in the strong room.
Oh, really? Then what is that? And that? I'll get on the phone at once, but I do think you're taking a rather high-handed Good heaven's above, where the devil's he gone to? I've no idea.
MrMr Main? Oh, this is absurd! What the devil are they playing at? Somebody's broken into the strong room! I say, somebody's broken through the floor into the strong room! I can I Mainwaring! Can you hear me? Mainwaring, are you down there? Can you hear me? Hold it, hold it! It's slipping! - Don't let it Don't let it go! - All right, sir.
Keep it steady, keep it up! I'm trying to get hold of it.
It's very heavy.
I'm getting hold of it.
- Right, let it down.
- Easy, easy.
- Don't jog it, whatever you do.
- All right.
Mainwaring, what are you doing down there? Can you hear me? Mainwaring, Mainwaring! - Sir, if you could lower your end just a little bit - Don't do that! - We might be able to squeeze out - The slightest movement could set it off! We can't sit here all day holding it like this.
If you don't stop jogging your end, we'll be sitting on a cloud holding a harp! Mainwaring, why don't you answer me? Have they taken much? Mainwaring! Wilson! Why are you sitting like that? What's that thing on your knees? It fell out of the plane.
The one you said was one of ours.
You fools! You fools! Don't you realise that damn thing's a bomb? It might go off at any moment! What would head office think? Stay there! Don't go away! I'll go and get help.
Don't move! Whatever you do, don't move.
I'll get help! Blimey, that was Shell, that was! I've brought your sausages, Mr Mainwaring.
They come in nice and fresh.
That's funny.
Mr Mainwaring! - Is that you, Jones? - I've brought your sausages.
Where are you? - I'm here! - Where? Oh, I get it.
You're doing a camouflage! That's very good.
I can't see you at all.
I'm here! Oh, I give up.
You're too good for me.
Give us a bit of a clue.
Am I getting warmer? Am I getting warmer? Quite warm, Jonesy, yes.
You shouldn't have gone to all that trouble to hide from me, Mr Mainwaring.
I've brought you some sausages.
I know you like a nice banger! We've got one of our own, Jones! Eh? - Jones! - Yes, sir? - Listen to me very carefully.
- Yes, sir.
Go and get help! Blimey! Is that a bomb you and Mr Wilson's holding? Of course it is! Go and get some help! Yes, I will, sir.
I will.
Don't panic! Don't panic! Right, don't panic.
You're all right! I'm in charge now, I'm in charge now.
Right, don't Don't pan Private Pike, come in here at the double! Now, youyou-you-youyou hold on, Mr Mainwaring and Mr Wilson, you hold on.
- What's the matter? - Don't panic! - I'm not panicking.
What's the matter? - Yeah, well You see I'm putting this bank under martial law! Look, there's an unexploded bomb down there, Frank.
Hadn't we better get out before it goes off? No, it won't go off.
Mr Mainwaring and Mr Wilson have got hold of it.
That's all right, then.
What? Listen, I'm going to clear everybody out of the bank, then I'm going back to my shop and I'll phone up the bomb-disposal people and they will do that.
And then I'll go back and find people of my platoon and I will come back here.
- Yes, that's what I'll do.
- What shall I do, then? Wellput your tin hat on! Get a gas mask and a bayonet and don't let anyone in here unless it's me! What if the bomb goes off? What shall I do then? Use your initiative.
- Frank, don't panic! - I'm not panicking! Mr Mainwaring? Uncle Arthur? Are you down there? Mr Mainwaring Uncle Arthur! Is that the bomb you're holding? Pike, what's going on up there? Oh, Mr Jones has taken charge.
You've nothing to worry about.
We've everything to worry about! Has he sent for the bomb-disposal people? - Yes, he's just phoning them.
- Thank goodness! - Uncle Arthur? - What? - Should I tell Mum you're holding a bomb? - No! Won't she be angry if she finds out you didn't tell her about it? - Frank, please, for heaven's sake! - Pike! Have you got the staff out of the bank? - Mr Jones was doing it, sir.
- Make sure that he is.
Get everybody out! What plan shall I carry out? A, B, C, D or Any bloody plan! Control staff, put plan B into operation! All non-combatant - Who are you shouting at? - The staff.
I'm carrying out Plan B.
There's nobody out there.
Some lunatic said there was an unexploded bomb at the bank.
Is that right? Get back! Go on, get back! - Have you gone barmy? - No.
This bank is under martial law and nobody comes in unless Mr Jones says so.
Get back! - Put that thing down.
I'm only trying to help! - No, I've got my orders.
Aaagh! What are you playing at? What's going on? Strewth! Is that a bomb you're holding, Mr Mainwaring? If anybody else asks me that, Wilson, I shall go mad! Don't you realise that bomb could blow up half the high street? This is an ARP matter and I'm taking charge! Don't do anything silly.
I'll be back in a minute! - Don't panic! I'll be back! - I'm not panicking! Are you frightened, Wilson? Well, now that you've brought it up, yes, I am a bit.
- So am I.
- Not only that, but I've got a terrible Maddening, it is.
A sort ofitching, you see? - At the end of my nose.
- Oh.
Well, look here, you hold it steady with both arms.
- I'll wriggle my left hand out.
- Oh, good.
I think I can probablyset it probably scratch your nose.
That's awfullyawfully good of you, sir.
Thank you very much.
- Hold it still.
- Yes, all right, yes, yes.
- How's that? - Much better, sir.
- Any more? - No, no, no.
No, that's just right.
Someone's rocking my dreamboat (WHISPERS) Come on.
Look.
Gosh! Give us a hand, Joe.
How long since you phoned the bomb-disposal people? - 20 minutes.
They'll be as quick as they can.
- I hope to God they are! Captain Mainwaring We're here.
Is there Is there anything you need? I've got your razor blades, Mr Mainwaring! That's a stupid remark, that is! He's not gonna want to shave at a time like this! I'm only trying to comfort him.
In times of stress, you need to talk about normal, everyday things.
We ought to try and keep things as normal as possible.
- Corporal Jones! - Yes, sir? Listen, get your men out of the bank.
There isn't anything you can do and there's no point at all in risking your lives unnecessarily.
I think he's right.
After all, there's nothing we can do even if we do stay.
I see.
It's gonna be like that, is it? Anyone else want to go? I didn't say I wanted to go.
I just said I don't see what we can do if we stay.
- I'm staying with the Captain and Mr Wilson.
- Mr Godfrey? I'd rather stay if you don't mind.
I know we can't do anything, but it must be a comfort for them to know we're here.
Mr Mainwaring wouldn't leave us.
I can't leave my Uncle Arthur.
Me mum wouldn't like it.
- What about you blokes? - We're staying.
- Joe, if you wanna go, go.
- I didn't say I wanted to go, you silly old duffer! - All I said was - Oi! Oi! What are you blokes doing here? Nobody's allowed in here.
I've cleared the street.
- You're not clearing us out.
I'm in charge! - This is an ARP matter.
I'm in charge! - Don't come it with me, mate.
I'm in command! - And I'm second in command.
I'm Captain Rogers, bomb disposal.
I'm in command.
- Yes, sir.
Right, sir.
- Don't do that! Where is this bomb? Oh, excuse me.
- Are you chaps all right down there? - Yes, thank you.
We'll soon get you out of that mess I expect.
Tell me, who keeps the key to the strong-room door? We do.
But they're both on us.
Can't you get down through the hole? Well, I wouldn't like to chance it, not with my weight.
It might set that damn thing off.
No, it's a bit tricky, that.
Rather tricky.
There are only two keys and they've got them down there.
They're both down there.
- Permission to - Jonesy, I'm gonna kill you! - Permission to speak, sir? - I beg your pardon? Let me go down that hole, sir.
I'm thin enough to go down that hole.
Let me go down, sir.
I'm much more wiry than he is.
Look, sir.
- I'm wirier.
- I wouldn't chance anybody going down there.
The bomb is balancing on a piece of wreckage.
Anybody jumping down there might disturb it and the whole shebang would go sky-high.
Yes, well, if you don't want me any longer, I'll go and see if the rest of the street's clear.
Leave it to me, sir.
Captain Mainwaring, just hold on a wee while longer.
I think I've got something in the shop that'll do the trick.
Hut-Sut Rawlson on the rillerah and a brawla, brawla sooit Hey, I've got a bite! Whatever you do, don't pull it now! All right, take it up.
Slowly.
Very gently.
All right, Mr Mainwaring.
We've got the keys.
Major Rogers will be down in a minute.
Thank goodness for that.
Ah! Well, how are we today? All right? As well as can be expected.
- Can you manage? - Yes, thank you.
I thought so.
It looks like an SC50.
Yes, hmm We'll just make sure.
I think it is.
Want to know what we're tampering with, don't we? - Would be as well.
- Let's see.
Oh, yes, that's the boy all right.
It contains 25 kilograms of high explosive.
Makes a crater six metres in diameter, three metres in depth.
I thought they'd stopped using these small bombs.
- Is this a small one, then? - Oh, good Lord, yes! They're using 100-kilogram ones now.
Mind you, I've got a pet theory about these bombs.
There must be a dead area and if you're in the correct position, all you get is slight concussion.
- I haven't put it to the test.
I wouldn't like to.
- No.
I can't hear a damn thing.
Your heartbeats are vibrating against the casing.
I wonder if you'd just mind taking a deep breath and holding it, please? In we go.
Hold it.
Ah, just one more, please.
Deep breath in Hold it.
Yes, nothing to worry about there.
- Can we let it out now? - Oh, yes, of course.
Now, then, I think we can penetrate.
Ah! Nasty.
Very nasty.
I'm afraid we've got a trembler.
- Is that a bad thing? - Well, it's certainly not good.
I'll have to go and get a special tool to deal with that.
- Oh, no.
- I'll have to nip back to HQ.
I'll just put that on there to steady it.
Whatever you do, don't tip it at all.
Otherwise Well, just keep it level, you see.
And, er I'll get back as fast as I can.
I, er I'll deal with it then.
I'll just, er Just close this door.
We don't want anybody to pinch anything, do we? You know, sir, I don't think I can stand very much more of this.
Oh, come on, Wilson.
Cheer up.
There is a destiny that shapes our ends, rough-hew them as we will.
I'm reminded of the tale of the Australian soldier.
He arrived up at the front and was met by a British officer who said, ''Ah, my man! Have you come to die?'' He said, ''No, sir.
I came yester-die.
'' It's a play on thea play on the words, you see.
On the pronunciation of the word ''die''.
Yes.
- Do you get it? - (CHUCKLES) Yes, I do get it, yes.
Imagination is funny (BANGING) Sirs, just stick it a wee while longer.
We're gonna get you out of there in no time.
You'll be all right now, sir.
We've got everything organised up here.
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring, Mr Wilson.
I wonder whether you'd care for a cup of coffee? - Oh, how lovely.
- Thank you, Godfrey.
That'd be most welcome.
- One lump or two? - Two, please.
- Mr Wilson? - No sugar for me.
We're nearly ready for you now, Mr Mainwaring.
- What's going on up there, Corporal? - You'd be surprised.
(BANGING) (JONES) We're nearly ready.
Listen, when I give you the tip, you lower this away.
You see what I mean? Oh, wait a minute! - (WALKER) Jonesy! - Oh! Oh! - (PIKE) What do you want? - No! No! (WALKER) Get down, get down! Take it up, take it up! - No, no! - Steady! - Don't rock this thing! - Be very careful, Jonesy! Yes, all right.
Now you're going to be all right, Mr Mainwaring.
- What on earth are you doing? - We're gonna lift this bomb off you, sir.
- Shouldn't you wait till Captain Rogers returns? - He's gone back to HQ.
There's no time to lose.
He may be right, sir.
It's worth a try.
- Here's your coffee, Mr Mainwaring.
- Oh, thank you.
It's the wrong one, Godfrey! Oh, dear.
I think the other one's wrong, too.
Ah! Someone's rocking my dreamboat - Would you put your finger there, Mr Jones? - Certainly, Mr Godfrey.
Walker, put that money down at once! Sorry, sir.
I suddenly had the feeling I'd like to die rich.
That'll do! Godfrey! What kind of knot do you call that? It's one they used to use at the Civil Service Stores for Christmas presents.
I believe it's called a Cupid's bow.
It's a good job I didn't have you with me in the navy! I don't know.
I might have quite enjoyed it.
I always fancied being a sailor.
- Nearly ready, Jock? - That should do the trick, Jonesy.
You lot go upstairs.
You get ready to haul.
I'll stay down here and I'll keep the bomb steady.
Don't worry about the coffee cups, Mr Mainwaring.
I'll wash them up later.
- Mr Wilson, you know what we're gonna do? - Yes.
We're gonna take this bomb off you and when we've pulled it up, we're gonna tie it off.
- Thank you, Jonesy.
- That's all right, my dear.
- Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring? - Yes, Corporal.
Never mind.
I think you're gonna get mentioned in dispatches for this.
- I very much doubt it.
- Well, I'll give you half a pound of liver.
- Are you lot ready up there? - Aye! - Right, now you take the strain! - Righto.
- Right, take the strain! Away you go! - Keep it steady! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! No! No! Someone's rocking my dreamboat Someone's invading my dream Well, men Every member of our platoon is part of a close-knit, integral unit and every man today has played his part to the full.
(ALL) Thank you, sir.
On behalf of head office, I think I can say we are proud of you all for saving the bank.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Excuse me, sir.
That was 11 pints and Mr Godfrey's port and lemon.
That came to 10s 6d.
Mainwaring, I think head office would like to show their gratitude.
- Take it out of that.
- Very civil of you.
Where's my Arthur? Arthur! Arthur! There you are! Are you all right? Mavis! Mavis, please! - No need to fuss! - But just to think of you holding that bomb - No need to get hysterical.
- But you're so brave, Arthur.
You really are.
- And you, Mr Mainwaring.
You're brave, too.
- Thank you, Mrs - You did it again.
- Oh, Arthur! - Excuse me, sir.
She won't take it.
- That's very generous of her.
No, she says it's a dud.
Don't worry about it.
Here, take it out of this.
Walker! That money belongs to the bank! Does it? I thought it was bomb damage! Come on! Put it down! Come on, empty your pockets!