Dear White People (2017) s03e05 Episode Script
Chapter V
1 Freshman year, you got rejected by Alpha Delta Rho and had a meltdown.
Now you don't seem to care.
Has your worldview changed since coming to Winchester? My worldview hasn't been changed by Winchester, but Winchester will be changed by my worldview.
God, I feel like a reality star.
- Should I fight with someone? - You're about to start one with me if you don't start giving me some real answers.
- Why do we have to do this today? - It's Jerry Skyler.
He is making me capture all this footage and interviews in order to prove that I'm on the right track.
Oh, I get it.
You're just vamping.
No, I'm getting inspiration from the footage - that I'm capturing.
- Vamping.
Yeah, pretty much.
Thank you very much for this, son.
Hi, can I help you? Hi.
You know, because of what happened last time, I'm trying to keep a low profile.
But, on the upside, I am over trying to impress women with the skinny jean thing.
I got to let my boys breathe.
Can we not talk about your junk while we're having coffee? Or ever? Well, what do you want me to do? Tweet about it on Instagram like you do? - Heard from your mother? - Yeah.
She's opening a new art exhibit in Barcelona.
It's about motherhood and the modern woman.
Which is apparently why I got it in a text.
- I'm sorry, son.
- No, don't be.
She sent it with a bitmoji, so I know what she looks like now.
She changed her hair.
I got to go.
Got a student advising session.
Hey, you want to do something special? For ? Parents' weekend.
The Global Venture Fellowship at the Sorbonne.
Prestigious.
And ambitious.
I plan on being the first black woman from the South Side to get in.
I just want you to be realistic about your chances.
Realistic is for the ordinary, Dean.
You'll have to get a letter of recommendation from someone who's prominent in your field of study.
Queensfield.
I have him for Political Theory.
My condolences.
He gets to some people, but he's not getting to me.
Fair warning: his recommendations don't come easy.
I always find a way to get what I want, and I want this fellowship.
J'apprends de français.
I'm learning French, I'm back on bread, and I've already mastered condescending snobbery.
I'm going to France.
Bon chance.
Do I get to meet your mom? I'm imagining Viola from the waist up, Serena from the waist down.
Hold tight to that visual because that's the closest anyone here is ever going to get to meeting her.
That's so sad.
I can't wait to see my parents.
They're, like, my best friends.
That's so sad.
Not at all.
I've got plans on plans on plans.
We're going to brunch, antiquing, the Pluot and Aprium Festival When did you become a gay man from Vermont? Reg, what's with all the exercising? Are you struggling with body dysmorphia? Because, even as a lesbian, I can see your body is bangin'.
I'm not always exercising.
Sometimes I'm meditating.
Yeah.
I'm beta-testing Professor Brown's app.
Changed my life! You do seem more chipper these days.
Like, I'm not afraid to talk to you.
- When were you ever afraid? - "Afraid" is the wrong word.
More like I didn't want to talk to you.
So, Reg, are your parents coming? And, more importantly, do they like pluots and apriums? My dad needs more guy friends.
Nah, that's a little too much crossbreeding of fruit for me.
And my dad's last visit to what he calls "Whitechester," it didn't go so well.
I feel so sorry for you.
And all the other orphans.
I'm actually fine.
The app keeps me centered.
And it's got all these built-in reminders that, you know, like, tell you when to drink water You got into an Ivy and you don't know when you're thirsty.
Young lady, by the time you feel thirsty, it's already too late.
You guys should give it a shot.
I would, but I don't need to fill the void in my life with an app.
I have parents who love me.
And I have ambition.
Professor Queensfield? I just wanted to say, I read the articles you wrote in the 1975 Harvard Law Review.
Such an insightful take on riparian rights in New Hampshire land deals.
Mm-hmm.
Anyhoo, um I'm applying for the Global Venture Fellowship, - and I need a letter of - Class.
I have an announcement.
For those of you, like this girl Coco.
Coco Conners.
like Kiki here, who seek a recommendation letter, please be advised that I only consider doing that for one of the top three students in the class.
So, be best.
I almost peed myself.
Please.
I've got this.
- Katrina, who was Chanakya? - Who's Katrina? Who's Katrina? Chanakya, also known as Kautilya, was an Indian political philosopher believed to have written The Arthashastra.
And what is The Arthashastra? And do you believe it has relevance? Yes, because although it's over 2,000 years old, it's still considered the ultimate guide to the perfect state, and essential to running government.
Everything from national security and taxation, to foreign and economic policy, to labor and financial management.
Quite idealistic.
But what if those in government are corrupt and only work toward their own self-interests? It can happen.
Chanakya's analysis was psycho-philo-socio-politico-religio-economic in nature, and actually well suited for our current-day problems.
You just gave me a long, albeit impressive, string of words that lay out a theory, - but how does it work in practice? - I Chanakya's treatise is rooted in sound economics, but how does government work successfully with an ever-expanding deficit? - Well - And please, no more word salad.
I already ate.
The fact is that the most important aspect of any venture is pragmatism.
So ask only one question: Does it work? Now, Ms.
Conners, I'll ask again.
How do Hey.
Are you okay? Did you see that? Sweetie, everybody saw that.
Four people laughed, but they waited until you were out of the room.
What happened? I don't know! It was like watching Wonder Woman fall into quicksand and not even her superpowers could save her from sinking further and further, until all you could see was her fingertip.
And then, whoop! She was gone forever.
- Not helping! - I'm sorry, but honey, you really shat the bed.
Really? Four people? Actually, it was 12.
I was just trying to soften the blow.
Mmm.
Mommy? Are you here already? Oh, my God! That's terrible! Why am I just hearing about this? Isn't there something we can do? Some way to change? Okay.
I understand.
Bye, Mommy.
Is everything okay? My mom's going to have a baby.
Well, your tears of joy don't seem very joyful.
This is a tragedy.
I'm an only child.
I don't want to share my parents with some chubby, greedy baby.
I'm not sure if you've noticed, but babies, they suck up a shitload of attention.
I totally get it.
My baby sister is an attention hog.
How old is she? Two minutes younger than me.
Florida State.
And now my parents aren't even coming.
Something about saving paid vacation days.
I can't believe I'm one of the pitiful orphans.
I have no one.
That's not true.
You have me.
What you doing? Watching a video of a panda sneezing.
It's so cute.
Lionel, we all do it.
You don't have to lie.
Just come out and say you were watching porn.
I was watching porn.
Now I don't know what to believe.
So, got anyone coming this weekend? I don't.
My aunt couldn't make it.
It's a long trip from Ho-ston.
My aunt's not a ho, it's just what I've been calling Houston.
Yeah, Lionel, the whole "Ho-ston" runner it's canceled.
Maybe next time I'll go wild in "San Ho-se.
" "Chicag-ho!" So, is your mom coming? No.
Actually, I thought it might be too much for her, you know, without my Can I interview you? - Sure.
- Cool.
Favor my right side.
Oh! - You read Chester, too? - Honey, I cannot wait for the next one.
Whoever is writing Chester is giving me a kink I did not know I had.
So just kind of explain to me what it was like for you when you first came out.
Well, when I came out it was it was cool.
I could finally be the me that I was on the inside.
Shamelessly, unapologetically, and loudly.
Well, not loudly.
That's not really my thing.
Yeah.
But now I have a question for you.
What do you hope to do with this film? Um I don't know.
I guess I'm searching for some kind of truth.
Mmm.
Vamping.
Come on.
You made sacrifices to be here.
Get your shit together.
You look familiar.
Because I live inside your head.
Like when you imagined what your daughter would look like, you saw me.
But I don't actually exist.
So you're like a ghost? That's ridiculous.
I'm like a manifestation of your subconscious that follows you around.
And that's not ridiculous? Bitch, it's your crazy.
You signed up for this class, so you can't sit around comparing yourself to everybody else.
Face it, they're better than you, they're richer than you, they're whiter than you.
But the only way to win is to outwork them.
Now get to it.
Hey, Colandrea! It's your mother.
In case you forgot you had one.
Cousin Gina's knocked up again! That'll be five 'cause apparently robots need work more than regular folks.
Someone was shot at the block party.
They didn't even get to taste my famous ribs! Thanks for hanging.
I needed a post-Queensfield detox.
Whoo, for Queensfield, you might need a colonic.
Wait, my mom will be here this weekend.
- She might be able to help with him.
- Really? How? Well, she used to work with him at Cahill & Covington in DC.
He was obsessed with her.
Not in, like, a "he wanted to wear her skin" kind of way, but more in a "she wrote all his legal briefs kind of way.
" You think she'd be willing to put in a word for me? Of course.
My mom is a big proponent of advocating for those who don't have the same advantages she did.
Why don't you brunch with us? - I have so much I - Colandrea! Woo-hoo! - Colandrea! - Coco.
Yoo-hoo! - Colandrea! - Mom? What are you doing here? There's my sweet baby! Pastor Ulmer says we should pay attention to signs from the Lord.
That same day, I got an email about parents' weekend.
I left a message before I got on the plane.
Didn't you get it? My phone's dead! Well, surprise! I'm here! I used Cousin Gina's mileage points.
She ain't traveling no time soon with all them damn kids.
Lordt, that girl loves sex.
But I thought you were working this weekend.
I was, until I had to go in for emergency gallbladder surgery.
Nudge, nudge.
Wink, wink.
I lied! My gallbladder's fine.
I do have gout, - and irritable bowel - Mom, you don't have to run down your medical chart.
Right.
Mom, this is Muffy Tuttle.
Muffy, this is Evelyn.
It is so nice to meet you, Ms.
Conners.
Coco has told me stuff.
Why don't you come to brunch? - That's so nice, but she's not gonna be - I'm gonna be all over that! Pancakes and waffles and bacon and sausages.
- Yep.
- Then they got the biscuits and the toast - and we got a little oatmeal - Yes, Mom, all the foods.
And mimosas.
Bottomless, baby.
I guess we'll see you, and your appetite, tomorrow.
- Yay! - Aww, look at your little friend.
She's nice.
I'm guessing her people came in on a different ship than ours, huh? Mom, please! What? Where's the lie? She white, right? Whoo, so - are you gonna show me around? - Actually, I have studying.
Okay.
Well I'll just go back to the motel and we can catch up later.
I'm gonna drink my way through that minibar and then tell them I got robbed.
Hey.
You're happy to see me, right? Of course! I'm just so busy.
Okay.
- Kelsey? - Hmm? I know you love your mom and dad, but isn't this a bit romantic? Actually, they're not coming.
I was filled with rage, but then I did some of Reggie's Black Headspace, and I'm feeling much better.
I also drank half a bottle of rum.
Well, give me the other half.
I need it after the day I've had.
- Yeah, you need to leave.
- What? I have someone coming by and I'm not sure where this may lead, so don't come back until I text.
Great! Two women trying to have an orgasm.
This will take all night.
Honey, that's for you straights.
We're fluent in Vaginese.
- Hey.
- Wow.
Wow.
Wow! You two are quite the unlikely pairing.
My God, how does this work? I'm just Okay.
Kelsey This is so beautiful.
I like to make things look nice.
I am a big fan of HGTV.
It shows.
I'm not sure what to do next.
I know your full name, so I'm already out of my comfort zone.
Listen, I don't want to be just part of an experiment, so if you're on some sort of sexual journey, please don't make me a stop along the way.
First of all, I also bang with HGTV.
Is there a "second of all"? There's a connection here.
I mean, don't you feel it, too? I guess.
Maybe.
Okay.
Yes.
Does this spark joy? Nope.
Oh, good, you're up! I thought maybe we could grab breakfast, and then go antiquing, and I still have tickets to the Pluot and Aprium Festival if we really want to get wild with it.
That sounds fun! Last night was great.
I'm really glad we took the leap.
Glad.
Wake up.
Wake up! We need to get to that brunch.
The walk of shame requires walking.
A real-live Ken doll.
You stayed the night.
Forward progress, I like it.
It was either here or that couch in A-P with the ass grooves in it.
Your morning-after sexy talk could really use some work.
Zip me up, I have to go.
You can go after you come.
My material is a little rusty this early in the morning, too.
No, no, no.
We don't have time for this! Oh.
This Ken doll has all the parts.
Okay, just a quickie, and then you got to go.
Mrs.
Tuttle! So wonderful to finally meet you.
I'm Coco.
I hope you haven't been waiting long.
As long as there's wine, I don't feel time.
Oh, I told her you have Queensfield.
And I told her you have my sympathy.
He's brilliant, but he can be such a sadistic prick.
- Yeah, that's what I - Yoo-hoo? Colandrea! - Hey, baby girl! - Hey.
- Okay.
- Did I get you? Okay.
Oh, and you must be Muffy's mom.
Caroline.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
You, too.
She's a little underdressed.
So, Evelyn, how was your flight? Oh, very nice.
I got upgraded to first class.
I told them I was a veteran.
- Should we order? - Yes, I am starving.
You should be, because, baby girl, you a bag of bones.
Oh, thank you so much.
- Mrs.
Tuttle - Please, call me Caroline.
Caroline, I'm applying for this fellowship Ooh, I will definitely be having the sal-mon.
Maybe I'll find a bone in it and get it for free.
Do sal-mons have bones in 'em? Don't worry.
This is my treat.
She's not worried, she's just kidding.
No, I'm not! $34 for a piece of sal-mon? The Sal-mon Value Pack at Walmart is only $4.
99 a pound.
Could you please stop saying "sal-mon"? So - Evelyn, would you - Please, call me Mrs.
Conners.
Mrs.
Conners, would you like some wine? We ordered an Haut Lafitte before you got here.
- Oh, is it a Merlot? - God, no.
Well, when in Rome.
Want to go ahead and help your girl out? - Just got to tip that - Anyway, if I get the recommendation from Queensfield, then the fellowship in Paris is a lock Paris? Paris, France? Yes, Mother.
I've always wanted to go there! I got a selfie of myself in front of the Las Vegas Eiffel Tower.
Now I gotta complete the set.
That's all of 'em, right? - Well, there is one in Epcot.
- Ooh! How about a fellowship in Orlando? Oh, God.
I'm a little tipsy with all those bottomless mimosas.
They weren't bottomless.
Oh, my goodness, it's so chichi up in here with all this wood and all these pictures of these dead white people.
Ooh! I'm gonna get me a selfie with Michelle.
She's alive.
And black! There you go, Michelle! Baby, come take a picture with me.
Let's be Becoming together! Mom! You ruined my day and possibly my career! Can't you just leave me alone? So, I guess that's how they're talking to their mommas at Winchester, huh? I didn't mean it.
Sam! You finally called me back.
Baby are you crying? Yeah, it's It's dumb.
I've been texting Dad.
And today I got a text back.
The phone company gave his number away, which is so disrespectful.
It's like, the body isn't even cold.
Can you at least wait a year? I just, I feel so stupid for texting a dead man.
Baby, you're not stupid.
You know what I did? I finally gave his clothes away to Goodwill, but by the time I got home, I started to panic.
And I was like, "What if he comes back? He's not going to have anything to wear.
" So I drove down there and I took everything back.
- No! - Yes! Practically had to wrestle one of his sweaters out of a homeless man's hands.
Not my proudest moment.
You know, maybe we could talk more, instead of texting strangers or robbing the homeless.
Yeah, that sounds like a much better plan.
I would have invited you this weekend.
I just, I thought it Yeah.
Now, you tell me what's going on with you.
Well, I'm shooting this film and I'm I'm getting all these interviews.
And, sure, it may look like vamping, but something about it feels right.
I just I don't know how everything is going to come together.
Sam, you remember when you were young, and you used to try those thousand-piece puzzles? You would get so mad when they wouldn't immediately fit.
Luckily, I had the puzzle master.
And what did I always tell you? Divide your piles into segments, and then work through each cluster separately, and then connect your clusters to your borders.
Wow.
That's actually really helpful.
Well, don't say it like it's such a surprise! Sorry.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm sorry.
You were just saying how you feel.
Still, I never should have talked to you that way.
No, you shouldn't have.
Who raised you? I've always done my best, you know? And when your test scores got attention from that private school, I was scared that I would lose you, and I did.
You didn't.
You haven't come home since you came here.
Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day All the church dates.
And I was fine with it.
Because I'd never want to deny you all of this.
- Mom, I - No, no, no, it's fine.
I'm guessing that you and I, we're just different people.
Maybe.
Maybe I've just been acting like a different person.
I mean, I could probably come home for Mother's Day.
See, I kinda assumed that you weren't coming, so me and my girl, we're gonna hit a casino and try to eat half-off for Mother's Day.
Maybe I'll meet you there.
This is more of a grown and sexy outing.
We can play it by ear.
Hmm.
I know that one trip is not going to turn us into the black Tuttles.
But, baby, it's a start.
Yeah.
And for the record, I put ice in my wine to fuck with uppity white folks.
And speaking of uppity white folks, this campus is crawling with them! This school's motto should be, "Do you know who my father is?" No, it should be, "I would like to speak to your manager!" Or how about, "I can't be racist, I loved Hamilton.
" Real talk, Hamilton is a good musical.
You've seen it? I've only been pretending to have seen it.
Saw it on YouTube.
Fifteen parts.
So many ads! Oh, baby girl.
What are you looking at? Woo-hoo!
Now you don't seem to care.
Has your worldview changed since coming to Winchester? My worldview hasn't been changed by Winchester, but Winchester will be changed by my worldview.
God, I feel like a reality star.
- Should I fight with someone? - You're about to start one with me if you don't start giving me some real answers.
- Why do we have to do this today? - It's Jerry Skyler.
He is making me capture all this footage and interviews in order to prove that I'm on the right track.
Oh, I get it.
You're just vamping.
No, I'm getting inspiration from the footage - that I'm capturing.
- Vamping.
Yeah, pretty much.
Thank you very much for this, son.
Hi, can I help you? Hi.
You know, because of what happened last time, I'm trying to keep a low profile.
But, on the upside, I am over trying to impress women with the skinny jean thing.
I got to let my boys breathe.
Can we not talk about your junk while we're having coffee? Or ever? Well, what do you want me to do? Tweet about it on Instagram like you do? - Heard from your mother? - Yeah.
She's opening a new art exhibit in Barcelona.
It's about motherhood and the modern woman.
Which is apparently why I got it in a text.
- I'm sorry, son.
- No, don't be.
She sent it with a bitmoji, so I know what she looks like now.
She changed her hair.
I got to go.
Got a student advising session.
Hey, you want to do something special? For ? Parents' weekend.
The Global Venture Fellowship at the Sorbonne.
Prestigious.
And ambitious.
I plan on being the first black woman from the South Side to get in.
I just want you to be realistic about your chances.
Realistic is for the ordinary, Dean.
You'll have to get a letter of recommendation from someone who's prominent in your field of study.
Queensfield.
I have him for Political Theory.
My condolences.
He gets to some people, but he's not getting to me.
Fair warning: his recommendations don't come easy.
I always find a way to get what I want, and I want this fellowship.
J'apprends de français.
I'm learning French, I'm back on bread, and I've already mastered condescending snobbery.
I'm going to France.
Bon chance.
Do I get to meet your mom? I'm imagining Viola from the waist up, Serena from the waist down.
Hold tight to that visual because that's the closest anyone here is ever going to get to meeting her.
That's so sad.
I can't wait to see my parents.
They're, like, my best friends.
That's so sad.
Not at all.
I've got plans on plans on plans.
We're going to brunch, antiquing, the Pluot and Aprium Festival When did you become a gay man from Vermont? Reg, what's with all the exercising? Are you struggling with body dysmorphia? Because, even as a lesbian, I can see your body is bangin'.
I'm not always exercising.
Sometimes I'm meditating.
Yeah.
I'm beta-testing Professor Brown's app.
Changed my life! You do seem more chipper these days.
Like, I'm not afraid to talk to you.
- When were you ever afraid? - "Afraid" is the wrong word.
More like I didn't want to talk to you.
So, Reg, are your parents coming? And, more importantly, do they like pluots and apriums? My dad needs more guy friends.
Nah, that's a little too much crossbreeding of fruit for me.
And my dad's last visit to what he calls "Whitechester," it didn't go so well.
I feel so sorry for you.
And all the other orphans.
I'm actually fine.
The app keeps me centered.
And it's got all these built-in reminders that, you know, like, tell you when to drink water You got into an Ivy and you don't know when you're thirsty.
Young lady, by the time you feel thirsty, it's already too late.
You guys should give it a shot.
I would, but I don't need to fill the void in my life with an app.
I have parents who love me.
And I have ambition.
Professor Queensfield? I just wanted to say, I read the articles you wrote in the 1975 Harvard Law Review.
Such an insightful take on riparian rights in New Hampshire land deals.
Mm-hmm.
Anyhoo, um I'm applying for the Global Venture Fellowship, - and I need a letter of - Class.
I have an announcement.
For those of you, like this girl Coco.
Coco Conners.
like Kiki here, who seek a recommendation letter, please be advised that I only consider doing that for one of the top three students in the class.
So, be best.
I almost peed myself.
Please.
I've got this.
- Katrina, who was Chanakya? - Who's Katrina? Who's Katrina? Chanakya, also known as Kautilya, was an Indian political philosopher believed to have written The Arthashastra.
And what is The Arthashastra? And do you believe it has relevance? Yes, because although it's over 2,000 years old, it's still considered the ultimate guide to the perfect state, and essential to running government.
Everything from national security and taxation, to foreign and economic policy, to labor and financial management.
Quite idealistic.
But what if those in government are corrupt and only work toward their own self-interests? It can happen.
Chanakya's analysis was psycho-philo-socio-politico-religio-economic in nature, and actually well suited for our current-day problems.
You just gave me a long, albeit impressive, string of words that lay out a theory, - but how does it work in practice? - I Chanakya's treatise is rooted in sound economics, but how does government work successfully with an ever-expanding deficit? - Well - And please, no more word salad.
I already ate.
The fact is that the most important aspect of any venture is pragmatism.
So ask only one question: Does it work? Now, Ms.
Conners, I'll ask again.
How do Hey.
Are you okay? Did you see that? Sweetie, everybody saw that.
Four people laughed, but they waited until you were out of the room.
What happened? I don't know! It was like watching Wonder Woman fall into quicksand and not even her superpowers could save her from sinking further and further, until all you could see was her fingertip.
And then, whoop! She was gone forever.
- Not helping! - I'm sorry, but honey, you really shat the bed.
Really? Four people? Actually, it was 12.
I was just trying to soften the blow.
Mmm.
Mommy? Are you here already? Oh, my God! That's terrible! Why am I just hearing about this? Isn't there something we can do? Some way to change? Okay.
I understand.
Bye, Mommy.
Is everything okay? My mom's going to have a baby.
Well, your tears of joy don't seem very joyful.
This is a tragedy.
I'm an only child.
I don't want to share my parents with some chubby, greedy baby.
I'm not sure if you've noticed, but babies, they suck up a shitload of attention.
I totally get it.
My baby sister is an attention hog.
How old is she? Two minutes younger than me.
Florida State.
And now my parents aren't even coming.
Something about saving paid vacation days.
I can't believe I'm one of the pitiful orphans.
I have no one.
That's not true.
You have me.
What you doing? Watching a video of a panda sneezing.
It's so cute.
Lionel, we all do it.
You don't have to lie.
Just come out and say you were watching porn.
I was watching porn.
Now I don't know what to believe.
So, got anyone coming this weekend? I don't.
My aunt couldn't make it.
It's a long trip from Ho-ston.
My aunt's not a ho, it's just what I've been calling Houston.
Yeah, Lionel, the whole "Ho-ston" runner it's canceled.
Maybe next time I'll go wild in "San Ho-se.
" "Chicag-ho!" So, is your mom coming? No.
Actually, I thought it might be too much for her, you know, without my Can I interview you? - Sure.
- Cool.
Favor my right side.
Oh! - You read Chester, too? - Honey, I cannot wait for the next one.
Whoever is writing Chester is giving me a kink I did not know I had.
So just kind of explain to me what it was like for you when you first came out.
Well, when I came out it was it was cool.
I could finally be the me that I was on the inside.
Shamelessly, unapologetically, and loudly.
Well, not loudly.
That's not really my thing.
Yeah.
But now I have a question for you.
What do you hope to do with this film? Um I don't know.
I guess I'm searching for some kind of truth.
Mmm.
Vamping.
Come on.
You made sacrifices to be here.
Get your shit together.
You look familiar.
Because I live inside your head.
Like when you imagined what your daughter would look like, you saw me.
But I don't actually exist.
So you're like a ghost? That's ridiculous.
I'm like a manifestation of your subconscious that follows you around.
And that's not ridiculous? Bitch, it's your crazy.
You signed up for this class, so you can't sit around comparing yourself to everybody else.
Face it, they're better than you, they're richer than you, they're whiter than you.
But the only way to win is to outwork them.
Now get to it.
Hey, Colandrea! It's your mother.
In case you forgot you had one.
Cousin Gina's knocked up again! That'll be five 'cause apparently robots need work more than regular folks.
Someone was shot at the block party.
They didn't even get to taste my famous ribs! Thanks for hanging.
I needed a post-Queensfield detox.
Whoo, for Queensfield, you might need a colonic.
Wait, my mom will be here this weekend.
- She might be able to help with him.
- Really? How? Well, she used to work with him at Cahill & Covington in DC.
He was obsessed with her.
Not in, like, a "he wanted to wear her skin" kind of way, but more in a "she wrote all his legal briefs kind of way.
" You think she'd be willing to put in a word for me? Of course.
My mom is a big proponent of advocating for those who don't have the same advantages she did.
Why don't you brunch with us? - I have so much I - Colandrea! Woo-hoo! - Colandrea! - Coco.
Yoo-hoo! - Colandrea! - Mom? What are you doing here? There's my sweet baby! Pastor Ulmer says we should pay attention to signs from the Lord.
That same day, I got an email about parents' weekend.
I left a message before I got on the plane.
Didn't you get it? My phone's dead! Well, surprise! I'm here! I used Cousin Gina's mileage points.
She ain't traveling no time soon with all them damn kids.
Lordt, that girl loves sex.
But I thought you were working this weekend.
I was, until I had to go in for emergency gallbladder surgery.
Nudge, nudge.
Wink, wink.
I lied! My gallbladder's fine.
I do have gout, - and irritable bowel - Mom, you don't have to run down your medical chart.
Right.
Mom, this is Muffy Tuttle.
Muffy, this is Evelyn.
It is so nice to meet you, Ms.
Conners.
Coco has told me stuff.
Why don't you come to brunch? - That's so nice, but she's not gonna be - I'm gonna be all over that! Pancakes and waffles and bacon and sausages.
- Yep.
- Then they got the biscuits and the toast - and we got a little oatmeal - Yes, Mom, all the foods.
And mimosas.
Bottomless, baby.
I guess we'll see you, and your appetite, tomorrow.
- Yay! - Aww, look at your little friend.
She's nice.
I'm guessing her people came in on a different ship than ours, huh? Mom, please! What? Where's the lie? She white, right? Whoo, so - are you gonna show me around? - Actually, I have studying.
Okay.
Well I'll just go back to the motel and we can catch up later.
I'm gonna drink my way through that minibar and then tell them I got robbed.
Hey.
You're happy to see me, right? Of course! I'm just so busy.
Okay.
- Kelsey? - Hmm? I know you love your mom and dad, but isn't this a bit romantic? Actually, they're not coming.
I was filled with rage, but then I did some of Reggie's Black Headspace, and I'm feeling much better.
I also drank half a bottle of rum.
Well, give me the other half.
I need it after the day I've had.
- Yeah, you need to leave.
- What? I have someone coming by and I'm not sure where this may lead, so don't come back until I text.
Great! Two women trying to have an orgasm.
This will take all night.
Honey, that's for you straights.
We're fluent in Vaginese.
- Hey.
- Wow.
Wow.
Wow! You two are quite the unlikely pairing.
My God, how does this work? I'm just Okay.
Kelsey This is so beautiful.
I like to make things look nice.
I am a big fan of HGTV.
It shows.
I'm not sure what to do next.
I know your full name, so I'm already out of my comfort zone.
Listen, I don't want to be just part of an experiment, so if you're on some sort of sexual journey, please don't make me a stop along the way.
First of all, I also bang with HGTV.
Is there a "second of all"? There's a connection here.
I mean, don't you feel it, too? I guess.
Maybe.
Okay.
Yes.
Does this spark joy? Nope.
Oh, good, you're up! I thought maybe we could grab breakfast, and then go antiquing, and I still have tickets to the Pluot and Aprium Festival if we really want to get wild with it.
That sounds fun! Last night was great.
I'm really glad we took the leap.
Glad.
Wake up.
Wake up! We need to get to that brunch.
The walk of shame requires walking.
A real-live Ken doll.
You stayed the night.
Forward progress, I like it.
It was either here or that couch in A-P with the ass grooves in it.
Your morning-after sexy talk could really use some work.
Zip me up, I have to go.
You can go after you come.
My material is a little rusty this early in the morning, too.
No, no, no.
We don't have time for this! Oh.
This Ken doll has all the parts.
Okay, just a quickie, and then you got to go.
Mrs.
Tuttle! So wonderful to finally meet you.
I'm Coco.
I hope you haven't been waiting long.
As long as there's wine, I don't feel time.
Oh, I told her you have Queensfield.
And I told her you have my sympathy.
He's brilliant, but he can be such a sadistic prick.
- Yeah, that's what I - Yoo-hoo? Colandrea! - Hey, baby girl! - Hey.
- Okay.
- Did I get you? Okay.
Oh, and you must be Muffy's mom.
Caroline.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
You, too.
She's a little underdressed.
So, Evelyn, how was your flight? Oh, very nice.
I got upgraded to first class.
I told them I was a veteran.
- Should we order? - Yes, I am starving.
You should be, because, baby girl, you a bag of bones.
Oh, thank you so much.
- Mrs.
Tuttle - Please, call me Caroline.
Caroline, I'm applying for this fellowship Ooh, I will definitely be having the sal-mon.
Maybe I'll find a bone in it and get it for free.
Do sal-mons have bones in 'em? Don't worry.
This is my treat.
She's not worried, she's just kidding.
No, I'm not! $34 for a piece of sal-mon? The Sal-mon Value Pack at Walmart is only $4.
99 a pound.
Could you please stop saying "sal-mon"? So - Evelyn, would you - Please, call me Mrs.
Conners.
Mrs.
Conners, would you like some wine? We ordered an Haut Lafitte before you got here.
- Oh, is it a Merlot? - God, no.
Well, when in Rome.
Want to go ahead and help your girl out? - Just got to tip that - Anyway, if I get the recommendation from Queensfield, then the fellowship in Paris is a lock Paris? Paris, France? Yes, Mother.
I've always wanted to go there! I got a selfie of myself in front of the Las Vegas Eiffel Tower.
Now I gotta complete the set.
That's all of 'em, right? - Well, there is one in Epcot.
- Ooh! How about a fellowship in Orlando? Oh, God.
I'm a little tipsy with all those bottomless mimosas.
They weren't bottomless.
Oh, my goodness, it's so chichi up in here with all this wood and all these pictures of these dead white people.
Ooh! I'm gonna get me a selfie with Michelle.
She's alive.
And black! There you go, Michelle! Baby, come take a picture with me.
Let's be Becoming together! Mom! You ruined my day and possibly my career! Can't you just leave me alone? So, I guess that's how they're talking to their mommas at Winchester, huh? I didn't mean it.
Sam! You finally called me back.
Baby are you crying? Yeah, it's It's dumb.
I've been texting Dad.
And today I got a text back.
The phone company gave his number away, which is so disrespectful.
It's like, the body isn't even cold.
Can you at least wait a year? I just, I feel so stupid for texting a dead man.
Baby, you're not stupid.
You know what I did? I finally gave his clothes away to Goodwill, but by the time I got home, I started to panic.
And I was like, "What if he comes back? He's not going to have anything to wear.
" So I drove down there and I took everything back.
- No! - Yes! Practically had to wrestle one of his sweaters out of a homeless man's hands.
Not my proudest moment.
You know, maybe we could talk more, instead of texting strangers or robbing the homeless.
Yeah, that sounds like a much better plan.
I would have invited you this weekend.
I just, I thought it Yeah.
Now, you tell me what's going on with you.
Well, I'm shooting this film and I'm I'm getting all these interviews.
And, sure, it may look like vamping, but something about it feels right.
I just I don't know how everything is going to come together.
Sam, you remember when you were young, and you used to try those thousand-piece puzzles? You would get so mad when they wouldn't immediately fit.
Luckily, I had the puzzle master.
And what did I always tell you? Divide your piles into segments, and then work through each cluster separately, and then connect your clusters to your borders.
Wow.
That's actually really helpful.
Well, don't say it like it's such a surprise! Sorry.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm sorry.
You were just saying how you feel.
Still, I never should have talked to you that way.
No, you shouldn't have.
Who raised you? I've always done my best, you know? And when your test scores got attention from that private school, I was scared that I would lose you, and I did.
You didn't.
You haven't come home since you came here.
Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day All the church dates.
And I was fine with it.
Because I'd never want to deny you all of this.
- Mom, I - No, no, no, it's fine.
I'm guessing that you and I, we're just different people.
Maybe.
Maybe I've just been acting like a different person.
I mean, I could probably come home for Mother's Day.
See, I kinda assumed that you weren't coming, so me and my girl, we're gonna hit a casino and try to eat half-off for Mother's Day.
Maybe I'll meet you there.
This is more of a grown and sexy outing.
We can play it by ear.
Hmm.
I know that one trip is not going to turn us into the black Tuttles.
But, baby, it's a start.
Yeah.
And for the record, I put ice in my wine to fuck with uppity white folks.
And speaking of uppity white folks, this campus is crawling with them! This school's motto should be, "Do you know who my father is?" No, it should be, "I would like to speak to your manager!" Or how about, "I can't be racist, I loved Hamilton.
" Real talk, Hamilton is a good musical.
You've seen it? I've only been pretending to have seen it.
Saw it on YouTube.
Fifteen parts.
So many ads! Oh, baby girl.
What are you looking at? Woo-hoo!