Duckman (1994) s03e05 Episode Script

(whistles) (quacks) Go get it, boy! Fetch! Ew! Frisbee slobber.
Bad Ajax! Wiener! Wie-ner! Who wants to buy my wiener? Noel Coward's got nothing on this duck.
Salmagundi for Charles, rumaki for Mambo, couscous for Ajax Oh, my.
Duckman's sandwich is covered with ants and dirt and shards of broken glass and discarded razor blades.
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy, I fell and hurt my knee.
Uh well (whimpering) Oh, don't cry, pumpkin.
You hurt your kneesy-weesy? Let's look at your wittle weg.
Oh, I don't see any bruise here.
That's my arm.
It is? You mean I've been walking on my arms all this time? (laughing) See? That wasn't so bad.
Why, I bet it doesn't hurt at all.
Child snatcher! Baby thief! I-I-I was just helping her.
She must have thought I was you.
Hmm Baby Sally is desperately nearsighted and you did do a good job of cleaning her knee.
I'm sorry.
You must be a loving mother yourself.
A mother? Well, technically I No.
High priestess of Satan! "I love you, Mother.
" "Mom, we love you.
" "I'd love you as much as my actual life-giving mother if such a thing could be possible.
" (groans) Raising my sister's children I feel like a mother, I They treat me like their mother but deep down, I know I'm not.
I'm something less.
Oh, listen to me blather on! If there's one thing we modern women believe in it's that a female doesn't need a child to make her life complete.
So tell me-- what's new with you? I'm pregnant! I had triplets last week.
I think my water just broke! My loving family, I've gathered you here this evening for a very special announcement (grunting) (burps) Sorry I'm late.
You know how crazy the '90s workplace is.
Paperwork uh, staples.
That doesn't explain the grass skirt.
Oh, like I'm the only one here who likes to unwind by watching topless, shimmying, pre-pubescent Polynesians? Who's with me on this? Well, now that Duckman has disgracedus with his presence I have something I'd like to share.
Ah! More kielbasa from Passover.
Shut up, you quackhead! (calmly): After months of deliberation I have decided to listen to my inner yearnings and have a child! (screams) (cheering) Oh, wow! Aunt Bernice, great.
(giggling goofily) Bernice, we can't afford another kid.
Things are already so tight Ajax and I have to share a bed.
What? I get scared during thunderstorms.
Look, I'm putting my foot down and I say no more rug rats! Well, I'm putting my foot down, too, and I say that if I want to have a little baby with whom I can be a warm, sensitive, loving, nurturing, caring, doting, adoring, gentle and compassionate mother, it's none of your frigging business! Pass the crumb cakes.
Ajax, I'm touched you'd wear a baby costume just to make me feel better.
Costume? By the way, I just made boom-boom.
Aunt Bernice, we're so happy you've given voice to your natural urges.
Now, if we could only keep Dad from doing the same.
(laughing and howling) Remind me to have these windows painted over.
(giggling continues) Well, I'm off to find a gorgeous, brilliant, non-impotent man.
Be back by 10:00.
These church mixers are wonderful.
One of you lucky fellas will get to know me in the Biblicalsense as long as you're (a) single (b) tested (c) willing to commit and (d) heterosexual? Did I say "heterosexual"? I meant "breathing!" You both passed! See anything you like, Adonis? So it's true.
If you take too many steroids, you do grow breasts.
(grunting) My darling Bernice, destiny and a dating service united us.
Eternity shall never divide us.
Arnoud, you madman.
I am yours.
Just out of idle curiosity does that CD player feature multi-disk shuffle? Thank you for offering to test all my appliances for What did you call it again? Um, electromagnetic magnoplasmic mishmogmung (romantic orchestra playing) (groaning) Is your life without meaning? Yes.
Are you a lonely woman over the age of 18? Or over 13 if currently residing in the state of Mississippi? Yes.
Do you feel like a complete and total failure? Watch it! Well, we've got the cure for what ails you.
One word: Sperm.
Sperm? Yes, sperm.
Ladies, don't clutter up your life with some sort of meaningless relationship just to have a child.
At Simply Sperm, we eliminate the middleman.
We're up to our necks in sperm.
We're practically giving it away-- and we're talking high-quality, grade-A sperm not the inferior Australian sperm that our competitors feature.
Get out of your rut.
Change your life.
Sperm.
I'm coming! (yelling) Sperm is for external use only.
Simply Sperm brand sperm contains no less than 50% actual sperm.
Do not operate heavy machinery while using sperm.
Not to be confused with the Sperm School of Broadcasting.
(Duckman yells) (phone ringing) Out of my way, missy.
I've got a job to do.
When a boy's flying solo, he needs his inspiration.
(laughs) I can tell by the way you're eyeing the emergency exit you're experiencing some second thoughts.
That's normal, but rest assured our state-of-the-art fertilization facility employs only highly- trained professionals.
Look, Dr.
Bubbles is doing rounds.
Wait a second-- aren't you the same sleazy con artist who sold my family a near-fatal home security system and administered an overpriced funeral for my mother, even though she wasn't even dead yet? It's been too long.
Terry "Duke" Tetzloff, owner-slash-operator of this little enchilada.
Diversification is imperative in today's business climate.
That's why I like having my hands in many different things, one of which is sperm.
And now, let the impregnations begin! Wait a second-- don't I need a physical first? Actually, I went through the trouble of performing one while we were standing here talking.
You passed.
Look, Dr.
Tetzloff Sorry.
By order of the courts you can't call me "doctor" anymore.
A little tonsil/heart extraction mix-up.
Amazing what a difference six inches can make.
Okay, Mr.
Tetzloff.
This is a very big step for me.
What kind of man will be fathering my child? Here's a little sperm you may find interesting.
(sniffs) Light, but not fruity.
It's not often you find a hint of nutmeg.
And the donor is handsome, romantic, idealistic enjoys water sports.
Water sports? I love wet athletes! I-I-I-I I don't know.
It's such a big decision.
Maybe I better think this out a little more.
I understand.
Weigh your options carefully.
Make a rational decision.
I hope my daughter grows up to be just like you.
You have a daughter? Little Susie, aka the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
In fact, she's here right now.
Thank you, Daddy, for giving me the gift of life.
You're welcome, little Susie.
Oh, I could have been selfish and not made the reasonably priced and relatively pain-free sacrifice that brought you into this world, but then my life would be devoid of meaning and direction.
It's amazing how happy we've made one another.
I love you, Daddy.
I love you, Daddy.
(distorted): I love you, I love you, I love you, I Uh, sometimes she gets a little nervous when in the throes of life-affirming ecstasy.
So, then what's it going to be? Giver of life, or countdown to menopause? Mr.
Tetzloff, fill 'er up.
Let's see, you wanted that special, priceless sperm.
Hey, Eddie, you got any number 19 left? Oh be gentle with me.
(tango music playing) * (slurping) Ah.
Everyone, I want you to know that I made the most important decision a woman can make.
Today, I was inseminated.
All right! You and Roseanne! Wow.
I was thinking of going into the priesthood too.
Ajax, inseminated-- at Simply Sperm.
Wait a minute-- you mean the Simply Sperm sperm bank? Oh, you've heard of it? Heard of it? I'm a card-carrying member.
That drive-thru window with the strap-on pneumatic pump Huh-ho, so many memories.
(laughing) Oh! Come on, what was I thinking? This receipt says my donor is Handsome handsome BOTH: Romantic, idealistic Enjoys water sports? In fact, I'm late for a date right now.
Aar-gh! Ah, did I miss something? Not much, Dad.
Just that Aunt Bernice may be carrying your baby.
Aar-gh!!! Aargh? Aunt Bernice! Aunt Bernice! Give us some sign you're alive! That'll do.
(choking) How could you do this to me, you jaundiced, right-handed gigolo?! Of all the inbreds to be going around selling his sperm! Wait a second, selling? I thought it was just some kind of social club.
You know, a bunch of guys with similar interests hanging out.
Geez, figure at a few bucks a pop, seven days a week, take off that morning for my wife's funeral I hate you, Duckman! Finally I'm having a baby and it's yours! (crying) (doorbell rings) Corny, this isn't really a good time.
My contract stipulates I must appear in every episode for at least ten seconds.
Oh.
Work okay? Fine.
How's the wife? Not married.
Favorite Beatle? Ringo.
You know, if you let me stay, I can easily solve whatever crisis you may (imitates buzzer, slams door) So, any more soup left? Dad, Aunt Bernice needs you.
The creation of life is a precious thing.
An awesome responsibility for both of you.
How about crackers? Come on, Dad, what are you going to do? Rip this family's heart out and march around with it on a stick? Or act as the same caring, loving father to Aunt Bernice's baby as you've been to us? If you tell anyone I said that, I won't use deodorant on my side for a month.
(Bernice sobbing and wailing) Oh okay.
I'll take care of Mother Inferior.
You two take care of Ajax.
(gasping) (sobbing) Bernice? Bernice, uh look, maybe we don't always see eye to eye, and maybe we don't get along.
Maybe I violently hate you and everything you stand for, but when does that ever stop two people from having a baby? Uh I, uh I haven't really thought it all through yet, but well, I I guess I'm part of this, too, you know.
In for a dime, in for a dollar.
(chuckles) And, uh well, I I'll try and do what I can to support and care for ou ou ou-our child.
(sniffling) Well, you-you-you think about it.
I'll go now, unless you say something, in which case, I'll, I'll stay right here.
So, here I go.
I'm going.
Go am I.
My my first Lamaze class is tomorrow morning.
Bernice, you can count on me.
Nothing will prevent me from being right by your side.
Don't worry.
I'm sure the father will be here any second.
He just got held up.
I'm sure he'll be here, too.
But just in case, we have something for just such an occasion.
Meet Sven.
He used to crash-test Volvos.
And he helped me through a long and difficult labor when my own spit-sucking pus-bag of a husband got "held up"! Everyone, embrace your partner.
(blowing whistle) All right, somebody order a labor coach? Whoa-ho, you the teacher? I'd like to clap your erasers after school.
Hey, poppin' mamma.
Want to see if we can turn that into twins? Sorry, beefcake.
How was I to know she was seeing someone? There's my victim of love.
Tried to get here sooner, but I was catching some quality TV time, watching that movie Aliens.
Don't you just love it when the slimy, mucous-covered freak bursts out of the lady's stomach? (all gasping and retching) The partner must make sure every part of the mother's body is relaxed-- her arms, her legs, her breasts.
If her breasts were any more relaxed, they'd be in the basement.
To be sure, you have to touch every part of her body.
Really? Anybody got a stick? Imagine the child they're going to bring into the world.
We might as well alert the Child Welfare Board now.
(snickering) How dare you cast aspersions on our child-rearing abilities you latte-licking, polo-playing, range-roving, ER watching J.
Crew-cutted poseurs! Our baby's going to be the handsomest, smartest, nonstupidest baby ever, and he or she's going to kick your, he, she or its pampered little butt! Come on, darling, let's just have a Caesarean.
Duckman, you really do want this baby, don't you? Yeah.
I guess I I really do.
(grunting) (woman crying) (baby crying) Sorry, Great- Grandma-Ma-To-Be.
The woman carrying my baby needs that easy chair more than (grunts) you.
Duckman, this really isn't necess I beg to differ, little mumsie tumsie woomsy soonsy.
You got a big checkup tomorrow, so sit back, relax and let Duckman prepare for our Fetus DeMilo.
I have to childproof every socket wedge, ledge and outhouse within a 30-mile radius, but before that, I'll coat our walls in nonleaded, spearmint-flavored paint.
You know, these past few days I've started seeing your father in a whole new light.
(harp playing) At this pace, in 30 years, I can work my way up to idiot savant.
Bernicey, how went the exam? With my seed, you had to pass with flying placenta.
Everything is absolutely wonderful, smooth-sailing, sunshine and lollipops.
A moment of your time.
Before I can elaborate, I just need a quick signature here, here, here and here.
Congratulations, Mr.
Duckman.
It's a boy?! Even better.
You're now the proud owner of a two-and-a half bath timeshare in beautiful Laughlin, Nevada.
Let me go fetch your receipt and complimentary power of attorney forms.
Oh, and before I forget, the insemination didn't take.
Didn't take?! What are you saying, Doc? My gun's shooting blanks? My gas ain't leaded? My juice isn't loose? My piston's not pumping? My jack's not hammering? Mr.
Duckman, no one's questioning your virility.
In fact, I can smell your testosterone from here.
It's just that I've never seen a sperm and egg so incompatible, so outright hostile toward one another.
Take a look-see.
Sad, I know.
The whole shebang down the fallopian tubes.
Well, modern medical ethics dictate that I tell the prospective mother the bad news.
Unfortunately, it's nap time.
(snoring) BERNICE Look around you, Duckman.
The whole world's taken on a new glow.
Bernice, there's something I Duckman! I felt the baby kick! Feel.
That's just your pimento loaf sundae talking.
Duckman, is there something wrong? The, uh insemination.
it it didn't take.
It didn't? Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
Still I've wanted this baby so badly.
Duckman, I did so many stupid things.
Fell for the wrong guys, turned to Tetzloff and his seedy sperm bank.
Who would've thought you'd be the one good thing about the whole experience? You know, Bernice, we could always try again the natural way.
The way God meant it to be.
Both of us drunk out of our minds and fantasizing about somebody else.
I guess we can go back to the way we were before-- hating each other's guts.
Dismissing each other with venomous insults.
(half-heartedly): You yellow-colored jerk.
You too-busy meany.
Maybe it's for the best.
Besides, I'm not sure the world is ready for any more little Duckmen.
(evil cackling) (Tetzloff screaming) (laughter and screaming continues) (Tetzloff screaming)