Eagleheart (2010) s03e05 Episode Script

Are you the one they call "the Wiper"? Depends.
Are you Chris Monsanto the marshal? Oh.
Easy, fella.
Former marshal, okay? I'm on the run now.
I need one of your world-famous wipes.
Need a new name, new social, the works Yeah, I could wipe you, every which way, including loose.
But ass, glass, or past, I do not wipe for free.
Did you just say that you wipe ass for money? I ain't proud of some of the stuff I've wiped.
Even the Wiper's got to eat Then make, then self-wipe, then charge myself top dollar.
I know what you're thinking-- I'm paying Peter to wipe Paul.
But I got plans.
Do you know any other wipers around here? All right, all right.
Look, if I'm gonna set you up with a new identity, first we need to fake your death, which means we need a body.
- I see.
The old corpus Chrissy, huh? - Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Well, do you think you can find a body to match this tub of guts right here? Yeah, I can get something like that.
For 10 grand.
Okay, give it up.
- Okay.
- Give me a few minutes.
I think that was probably for the best.
That guy seemed to have a lot of issues.
- Freeze! - Oh, crap.
Haul balls, kid! Oh! Ow! Ow! My All right, yes, okay.
Yeah, and then you twist the arm Your record shows a lifetime of insanely violent behavior.
You are a blight on decent society.
Before I impose the harshest sentence my authority will allow do you have anything to say about yourself and your wasted life? I do, your honor.
Yes, it's true -- I'm a violent man.
But I'm that way for one reason and one reason alone -- because America demands it.
That's right -- America.
Forever egging me on, insisting on more brutality.
And that is why it should not be me on trial here today but America itself! You couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you, Chris?! - Calm down.
- Take a seat, sir.
You all saw that, right? He hit me! Self-defense! - America, don't! - Stand back! I'll shoot! Now you're gonna let me get out of here, or everyone's favorite ex-marshal gets a bullet to the brain, and I ain't talkin' about the pretty kind! Where are we going? Where are you taking me? We're going on a little adventure, just you and me pal.
Oh, look -- here comes our ride.
Out of the car, asshole! Come on! Outskie! I-I got a wife and kids.
On your knees, beg me please.
I -- I pledge allegiance to you a-and to the Republic for which you-- Geez! Why did you do that?! He had a wife and kids! Oh, yeah? Wife and kids, huh? Okay, but still I mean, come on.
Get in the [bleep.]
car! Come on! Drive, asshole! You know, I think it's the cussing that really gets to me the most.
On the go, time for some blow! Oh, yeah! Now it's your turn, sugar buns.
- No, thank you, I'm fine.
- Come on! Do it, you pansy! Calm down, you baby.
It wasn't loaded.
You just shot it! Ooh, yeah! I can feel it slippin' through my veins.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Can I tell you something? You are sick.
Yeah, sick of all this gravy I got in my bag.
So we're gonna make a little pit stop.
- Yeah? Where's that? - To skeez house! We're gonna stuff some Durma before we shuffle off this mortal stinkbox.
Now drive! Out! I don't want any skeez.
Well, I ain't takin' no chances.
Now move! Geez.
- Bonjour, skanks.
- Hi, America.
Is it time for my Florida vacation? Not tonight, honey.
Is Cock-Eyed Jenny workin'? Upstairs.
Ladies, this here is Chrissy.
Treat him like a king.
Rodney King! He likes the rough stuff! Hey.
I'll stomp on your yam bag for a fiver.
Ooh, good deal! Oh, dear Lord, you've delivered unto me a sweet angel -- --with the breath of a goose and a top shelf that won't quit, and it can't get fired.
Unions -- what are you gonna do about 'em? Got to live with them-- Hey, honey-- hey, hey Hiya, sugar dumps! Cock-Eyed Jenny.
As I live and heave.
America! I haven't seen you for 15 years.
Lost my number, did you? Has it really been that long, Ma? Aye, that it has, son.
What brings you back to me? Just wanted to say goodbye, Ma.
This time tomorrow, I'll probably be selling lemonade in hell.
- You're in trouble? - Plenty.
But all I'm sorry for is the trouble I've caused you, Ma.
There were a lot of sleepless nights, 'merc.
You sure are a sight for sore eyes, Ma.
And you for sore lips.
Sorry, Ma.
Couldn't have you squealin'.
But before you die, I gotsta know -- who was my real pops? I wish I knew, son.
There were so many.
Cops! I hate cops! Smell you later, Ma! Oh, yeah, and if anybody asks, a black guy shot you.
Time to vamoose, Chrissy boy! Let him go, gals! Hey! Chop-Chop! We got to pop this slop op! Excuse me.
I'm talking with Trish, the new love of my soon-to-end life.
- Hey.
- What are you doing? She's the tobacco-spitting image of Brett's sister, Tess.
Yeah, come on, Casa-no-nuts.
I'll take you away from this horrible place, I promise.
- I promise.
Wait for me, okay? - Sure.
Oh, Trish.
Trish! Once we cross the border, we're set.
We'll head south and hit up my buddy in Cabo -- Sammy Hagar.
Good guy, good guy! - You know him? "Red Rocker"? - Yeah.
Not a fan.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
What the [bleep.]
you doing stoppin' the car for? Chris? Chris? Chris! Chris! Child locks! No! Chris? Chris? He's gone.
That son of a bitch went Diamond Dave on me.
All right! A farm house.
Time to charm Old McDumbass.
Excuse me, good sir.
I happen to be a traveling Bible salesman whose car broke down.
Nice to meet ya.
Where's yer Bibles? Uh, I sold them all.
I'm the best! Well Then that makes you the second Bible salesman come by tonight sayin' he's the best.
Huh? Oh.
Hello.
I don't believe we've met.
You boys hungry? What's your favorite passage? - I'm sorry, what? - From the Book.
Oh, the Book.
Right.
Uh Well, I guess I'd have to say, um My favorite passage is, um Jesus, I.
You know, where it all started.
Hmm.
And yours? You know, I sell them so fast, I never get to read them.
But I hear great things! Say, what do you call this stuff, corn? Uh-huh.
If you'll excuse me.
You boys ain't no Bible salesmen.
I don't know what you're up to, but you best get your scruds on those plates before my husband gets back, else things gonna turn real bad real quick.
Scruds? What? Quit foolin'! Plate them scruds! Now! I-- I-- I guess-- - Excuse me.
- My sister's crazy! She makes me pretend to be her husband.
If you don't take them scruds off them plates right now, her real husband's gonna come back, and it ain't gonna be pretty-- Not as pretty as them scruds of yours, I guarantee you that.
What the hell are you talking about? Too late! Who's been putting scruds on my dining table? These hillbillies is nuts! What do we do, Chris? Uh Unh! You killed my brother-in-law, scruds and all! Uh Oh, uh, heart! Thank you, boys! My nightmare's over.
You're welcome to stay the night - Hey, 'merc? - Yeah, Chris? Thanks for saving me in there.
No worries, amigo.
Tomorrow's a new day.
And now to go kreplach steep in lady sleep.
President Saul Rubinek? Cops! Police! We have you surrounded! I can't go back to the joint again! I can't! Chris, I need you to do me a solid and turn me into a liquid! - What? - Death punch me, Chris! You know it's the only way! Oh, no, no Don't make me do that to you.
Please, I'm nothing but a stinkin' turd.
The world will be better off without me.
Okay.
I'm gonna miss you, pal.
I'll miss you too, Chris.
I'm coming, Ma! Did he fall for it? Did he think it was the cops? - Is he dead? - I don't know, Susie.
Why don't you take his pulse? Whoa.
Someone forgot to say "marshmallow.
" Trish, you made it.
Good thing I still had my sirens and that farmer let you call me before America got here.
- We should go thank him.
- He's probably sleeping.
Ah, it's a boy.
We shall call it "America.
" Gentlemen I know you'll be back again And bring me the sweetness of Your smile another day Laughing hard Warm kisses in the park