Everybody Loves Raymond s03e05 Episode Script

- Hey, noodle.
- Hey.
Look at them.
Don't they look adorable? Oh, our little sailors.
Oh, God, my mother is gonna love it.
- Yeah, why? Is she a hooker? - Oh! - Oh! - No, no, no.
Don't! I want everything to look nice for her visit.
You know where it's really nice? In that hotel she usually goes to.
Little chocolates and dirty movies.
It's paradise there.
No, no, I want her to stay with us for a change.
And you know, Ray, sometimes a mother can actually be someone that you enjoy spending time with.
No she can't.
Well, that's because yours lives on top of us.
I want my mother to have a chance to be a part of this family too.
And I want you to make her comfortable.
I'm not rubbing her feet.
How about just calling her by her name? - Huh? - Okay, I'll rub her feet then.
- You know you never say her name? - Yeah.
It's always, "Hey you there.
" - Just call call her Lois.
- No, I can I can't call her by a name.
She's a mother.
She outranks me.
- Then call her Mom.
- No, no, no.
Ray, she would love that.
Come on.
No! That wouldn't feel right.
"Hi, how was your trip, Mom?" Mom.
Mom.
Hi! Wow! That that is powerful.
Let me try something.
Xena, Warrior Princess.
Xena, Warrior Princess.
Wow, did you do that yourself? They're coming! So, Mom? Did you like the park? - Wasn't that great? - Yes, it was a delight.
- Except for all the screaming.
- Yeah, well, you know.
Kids are gonna do that.
- I meant Raymond.
- Yeah.
There was a bee.
Okay, kids! Come on, bring your hands over here, guys.
Come on, let's wash off all the slushies, okay? Great.
I think I'll go freshen up myself.
What does she gotta go wash off for? She sat on the bench all day with her crossword puzzle.
Well, Ray, she likes to keep her mind sharp.
Yeah, well, if it was my mom at the park What are you saying? Nothing.
Just that my mom might be better in certain circumstances than someone else's mom.
Excuse me, I couldn't find any guest towels.
That's okay, just use whatever's there.
You wouldn't want me using someone else's towel? It's okay, Mom.
We don't mind.
Come on.
Oh.
All righty, then.
And what time is dinner, dear? Dinner? That's gonna be like in an hour.
I'm gonna make some lemon chicken.
You want to help me? What good would I be? You're the cook in the family.
Wow.
Would you mind if I took a little siesta? Oh, no, of course not.
Go ahead, Mom.
What? What? - This is all your fault! - What? She is taking a nap because she doesn't feel like a part of this family because you haven't said two words to her all day! That's not true! I did! I did! I even I said Lois.
I called her Lois.
You didn't hear me? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I heard it.
That was real natural.
You sounded like Jerry Lewis.
Lois! Yeah, well I told you, you shouldn't force me to do it.
And by the way, how many times have I said we need more guest towels around here? Oh, I know what's going on here.
You care way too much about what your mother thinks.
Hey, take some advice from me, okay? You gotta cut the apron strings.
Okay, everybody, dinner.
Let's all sit down to dinner together.
Mom, you're right here, okay? I can't wait.
It smells wonderful.
That's me.
I burped.
Okay.
There we go.
Thanks.
Oh, Mom? Can you just help Geoffrey there? Uh, of course.
With what? - Never mind, I'll - I'll get it.
I'll get it.
- I'm sorry, dear.
- That's okay, that's okay.
Hmm.
Ah! How's that water? That's good water, right? - Water? - Mm.
Yes, it's fine.
- Ray? - Well it's New York water.
She's from Connecticut.
Where they don't get the the New York water there.
I'll tell you where they have the most delightful water.
- We were hiking in Switzerland.
- Mmm.
And just as we reach the Jungfrau, we saw this lovely stream.
They call it a wasserfluss.
I'm out.
Oh, my! Grandma! I don't believe it.
I told them not to come over tonight.
Well, why would you do that? Because it's your first night here and I wanted it to be just us.
I hope you didn't offend them, Debra.
No, they don't really get offended in the human sense.
Hi everybody! Grandma's got cake.
Ma, what the hell are you doing in the window? - We didn't want to interrupt dinner.
- Yeah.
Then you better get in a time machine.
- Start cutting, Marie.
- No, not yet, they're still eating something.
The deal was I buckle up, follow you over, say hello to the woman.
- Hello, Lois.
- Frank.
And you start cutting.
So start cutting.
Smelled the cake.
Then I saw the pan in the sink and didn't see any cake and figured it was on its way over to Raymond's.
Hello, Robert.
Hello there.
- How about a little slice? Hey! - No, no.
We are not eating cake, all right? We are eating dinner.
Not cake! Cake is not dinner.
I made dinner for my mother.
Not cake! So no cake! I'll get it.
Just remind me where we were.
Well I didn't think if I helped with dessert it would be a problem.
Well it's not a problem, Marie.
It's a lovely cake.
Which we are not having util after dinner, Mom.
I could go for a little dinner.
I didn't eat yet.
All right, there's some chicken in the kitchen.
So just go in the kitchen.
Uh, it's for you.
You.
Uh - he's says it's the Great White Hunter.
- Oh! That Warren.
Hi, dear.
How's Zimbabwe? Zimbabwe? He says he's on safari.
That's a lot of crap, safari.
That's just an excuse to see topless native broads.
Are they really topless? No, they just pop them out to get into National Geographic! Yes, it's fine.
Lovely.
Well it's not really a vacation.
Debra seems awfully stressed out.
- What's the matter? What are you doing? - Shh! Perhaps I should go to the hotel.
- Hm.
- Hotel? See, now why can't I have that kind of relationship with my mom? I can't believe my mom wants to stay at a hotel.
You know there are kids in other countries who can't afford to send their mothers to hotels.
Give my regards to the gazelles.
Ciao.
So - how's he doing? - Wonderfully.
He's bringing me back a Zulu death mask.
Hm, wow, that's great.
He probably gets a deal on them over there, you know? No state tax.
Yes.
How come you want to go to a hotel? Lemon chicken! Let's eat it.
Let's uh wash it down with a little wasserfluss.
Heard you tell Dad you wanted to stay at a hotel? Oh, well, it's just that there's a lot going on around here and perhaps it would be easier for you if I weren't in the way.
You're not in the way, Mom! It was just a notion.
No need to get upset.
Come on.
This is my vacation.
I'd change travel agents.
Okay, Geoffrey.
Here it is.
All cut up like you like, sweetheart.
- Marie, you don't have to do all that.
- Oh, Michael.
You need to be up higher.
Let's see.
Oh, that's gonna spill.
- Mom, could you just get the - Oh, yes.
No, it's okay.
I got it, I got it.
There you go.
All right, here you go, sweetheart.
Let me put this behind you.
That Lois gives me the willies.
Rolls, Marie! So, um, Mom, I was thinking that maybe tomorrow we could go look at fabric together because I wanted to make some new drapes for our bedroom.
Actually, I was hoping to get into the city tomorrow to see the Renoir exhibit.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that'd be great.
I just don't think the Renoir exhibit is something we could actually take all the kids to.
No, you go.
I'll take care of the kids.
They love their Grandma.
Stay down.
Well, if it's going to be a problem, Debra, I could go to the museum by myself.
- God, Mom.
- What, dear? Well, could you be interested in just one thing we're doing around here, maybe? What are you saying? I'm very interested.
Well you sure don't show it.
& Lemon chicken very pretty and uh & & Lemon chicken is sweet.
& You act like you don't care about me or what's going on with the kids.
You haven't asked Ray one question about his job.
& But the chicken of the poor lemon & - & Is impossible to eat.
& - Stop it, Ray! Those aren't the words! I'm trying to talk to my mother, okay? Well, perhaps we should talk about this later.
This really isn't the time, Debra.
Oh, that's right.
This is your vacation.
You gotta do your crossword, then take a siesta then run off to see Renoir! Well I'm sorry, Debra.
I just don't know what you want from me.
Oh here, honey.
Let me get that for you.
You know what I want? I want you to be a part of the family! I want you to help! Or I want you to at least want to help, okay? I want you to be more like like her! Like who? Like Mom.
Why? Hey.
The Zulu death mask.
God.
I was so excited about her coming to visit, you know? I had this big wild fantasy.
"Oh, my mother's coming.
It's gonna be so nice.
" Yeah, well, welcome to the club.
What club? The Your-Mother- Comes-Over- And-It's-Not- So-Nice Club.
And I'm not just a member.
I'm also the president.
Debra? Ow! Ow! Ow! Nails! - Oh, Debra.
- Oh, Marie.
Ow! Ow! Ow! I love you so very much.
Let go! Let go! - Ray? - I'll call you.
What you said just now, I have to admit, it came as quite a shock.
- To me too.
- I mean to stand there in front of everyone and tell them you wished your own mother was more like me? That that I'm the mother you wish you had? That is what you were trying to say, weren't you? Well, I, maybe I mean after all these years to find out what you what you really think of me.
You know, you were a little rude, dear.
What? You can't talk to your mother like that.
No matter what she's done, she's still your mother.
Yeah, but I just wanted her to be apart of the family.
It's been one day and already she's - But she's not doing anything.
- No! That's right, she's not doing anything, nothing! Not a thing! - What do you want her to do? - I don't know.
Just help me.
Help the kids.
Get involved.
I mean, she should know! She's a mother! Yes, dear, but she's not motherish.
She's a nice lady but, she's not motherish.
She's not the kind of mother we are.
We? See, I'd like to think that whatever it is you didn't get from her, whatever it is you learned about what it really means to be a mother, that maybe you got that from me.
It's funny, isn't it? How life gives you what you need.
You gotta love life.
So he's in Africa, huh? I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel once where there were tribes that communicated, like I didn't see the whole special.
I just saw a little bit of it.
- Okay, we're outta here.
- Whoa, you're leaving? Yeah, everyone's distracted with the fight.
We got the cake! Goodbye there.
Gentle.
Strange lady.
Mom, can I talk to you? You all right, dear? I'm fine.
Listen, Mom Debra wants to say something to you.
- I'm sorry I snapped at you.
I just - Oh, honey.
You don't have to apologize to me.
I'm the one that's sorry.
- I know I'm not good at certain things.
- No, no.
- You're right.
This is your vacation.
- No, I mean I I've never been good at those things.
You know, when you were growing up No, Mom, you did other things.
We always spent a lot of time together.
You took me to museums and the theater.
And we traveled.
You opened up the whole world to me, you know? And that's important.
- Marie, would you mind? - What, dear? - A little privacy.
- Uh, Debra? Please? Well why don't I just go clean? Also important.
You know, Debra I'm glad I'm not staying at a hotel.
Because being here with you is giving me a chance to see what a great mom you are.
- Really? - Really.
Well, thank you.
And you you like the cleaning and the cooking and the running around after the kids, huh? You know, I guess I do.
I don't know where you get it from.
Hey, leave a message.
Hello? Everything's fine now.
You can bring the cake back over.
Frank, pick up.
Robert? Raymond? Are you eating that cake?! You better have not started that cake! That cake is for all of us! Frank?! I'm coming over! Save yourself.
Hi, Mom.
It was Raymond.
I tried to stop him.