Footballers' Wives (2002) s03e05 Episode Script

I can't bear to think of you in bed with Frank.
Then don't, cos we don't do that.
Doctor's orders.
He's got a dodgy heart.
Let's round the evening off with some one-on-one physiotherapy.
- Are you mad or what? - Here, mate, how safe's that thing? Not one accident in ten years.
- Whoa! - Roger! - Get me down! - Don't be stupid! Help! Oh, my God! You two getting reacquainted? Don't bother doing up your flies.
Your whore's waiting for you.
- Who are you calling a whore? - Shut up, bitch.
Amber! (Giggling) (Roaring) (Amber) 'Conrad, I've been kidnapped.
I told you they'd come back.
- 'They want more money.
' - What? Kyle? Hey, hey, it's OK.
It's OK.
- (Sighs) - Bad dream? It's just the pills.
- I wasn't talking any rubbish, was I? - (Chuckles) No.
Just a lot of tossing and turning.
So you're still taking the painkillers, then? Yeah.
They help me sleep.
Not very well, by the look of it.
No, I'm all right.
Morning.
Sleep all right? - It was the best wedding night ever.
- I love you, Mrs Lawson.
I love you, Mr Lawson.
Do you feel any like I don't know different? Mm, just married.
- (Roaring) - I could hear them dogs all last night.
Shannon, there's a shitting lion out there.
Lion? Don't talk soft, it's not frigging Africa.
(Mobile) - 'Conrad! ' - Amber, what the hell's? 'I'm trying to tell you! They want a million.
' - A million? - 'Just get me out of this hellhole.
- 'You will get me out, won't you? ' - Of course.
- 'I'm so frightened! ' - Amber! (Dialling tone) Jesus.
You shouldn't have chucked your shoes at it.
- (Roars) - (Shrieks) God, we're gonna die! - Are you feeling better? - Mm.
- What are you staring at? - You.
You're gorgeous.
I don't do this, Kyle.
I don't just fall into bed with my clients.
The club would go mad if they found out.
This isn't part of rehab, OK? - And I'm not a football groupie, either.
- So you think I'm into groupies? Yeah, well, I know the game.
You've got everything for you on a plate.
I mean, I see the girls waiting outside the club every day.
I never look at them.
And for the record, I don't "do this", either.
After Chardonnay died, well, I thought that was it for me.
But then you came along Yeah, to kick you into shape and give you your career back.
- I'm serious.
- Yeah? Well, so am I.
But you're gonna have to work for it.
- Oh, really? - Mm.
(Roaring) - What you doing? - I need it! I'm gonna get eaten and I don't want to know about it.
How are we gonna get out of here if you're pissed? - So much for love and protect.
- They never said nothing about lions.
- (Horn beeping) - They've found us! Oh, my God! We're gonna be saved.
Over here, mister! Oh, yes! Madame.
- Are you expecting guests? - No, just one very special lady.
Hm.
Well, shall I go out and buy an evening gown? No, you look gorgeous.
- I want to propose a toast.
- Kyle, look This is really lovely and everything but I'm not royalty.
- Cheers.
- I just want you to have a bit of luxury.
I have actually drunk champagne, you know? I didn't mean it like that.
I just Well, I wanted to show you how I feel.
You did.
Last night.
So, what's your problem? The problem is I'm not Chardonnay.
All this Well, it just isn't me.
(Reporter) Great way to spend your wedding night.
How is it to be out? It's fantastic.
Now we just want to get home.
Let's have a few pictures.
Step over here, would you? - Stand by the lion, shall we? - A shot of the blushing bride.
That's great, that's great.
Lovely nails.
Show us your claws, will you? Bigger, bigger.
That's great.
That's it.
Yeah! Now give us a lion.
- Rrrrr! - Shan, I'm gonna get slaughtered.
- Two minutes, love.
- Harley, maybe one from you? Lovely, yeah.
Show us how fierce you are.
That's great.
How much did that boy cost us again? You'd better have a replacement.
- You can't hold me responsible for - Get out the way.
' turned up safe and well this morning.
We have few details ' - Oh, thank Christ.
- ' but reports suggest 'that Lawson managed to pilot the balloon 'and crash land in the lion enclosure of a safari park.
'The drama unfolded at Lawson's wedding to Shannon Donnelly.
' Right.
Press conference here this afternoon.
I've got training.
Lawson's got training.
Work around it.
Listen, Webbsy, there's a hundred sodding journalists out there all wanting a story with Phileas bloody Fogg.
And let's face it, Lawson's already faced one pack of lions today.
Voila! - That's more like it.
- (Mobile) - Hang on, I'll just get this.
- OK.
That should keep you in bacon sarnies for a while.
You've won 45 grand? - You're joking! - I only play to win, darling.
Cup of char? (Mobile) (Sighs) So did you get home OK from the wedding of the year? You know what they say - never mix Scousers with hot air.
Look, Tanya, I'm right in the middle of stuff.
Do you want to meet up after training? I can give Frank the slip.
- I can't.
- Well, tomorrow, then.
'The morning's probably better for me.
' I feel like I'm begging now.
So when do you want to meet? Tanya, I think you're amazing.
'A really amazing woman.
' Sounds like there's a but coming.
'I can't see you any more.
' I've got a lot going on right now and I can't do this.
Conrad? Listen, er I'm sorry about last night.
That doesn't usually happen to me.
No need to apologise, Frank.
Most men complain when they can't get it up.
I feel like I've got a new lease of life.
See? I told you we'd be good together.
Listen, I've got to get off, watch the lads train.
Well, why don't I come with you? When have you ever wanted to watch a butch of muddy bastards run around a football field? I thought you wanted your wife on your arm, Frank.
(Roger) As far as I'm aware that was never the case.
Christ almighty! You been on a bender? I need to talk to you.
Alone.
Bye, Rog.
Training ground by three.
You shouldn't indulge him.
Not exactly a new man, is he? Talk.
It's Amber.
- Ain't it always? - (Sighs) Christ.
I don't even think I can say it.
Amber's been kidnapped.
- Come again? - They'll kill her unless I pay a ransom.
- I thought you'd paid 'em off? - So did I.
Well, how much? - A million by Friday.
- Huh! - I can get half of it but I thought - Conrad, I ain't a bloody magician.
Look, if you want me at this club, then you'll get the rest.
- What about your transfer fee? - It's tied up in trust funds.
Look, if you won't help me, then all I've got left is the police.
If it gets out about your Chinese friends, you're finished as a footballer.
I don't give a shit about football.
All I want is my wife back.
(Sighs) For Christ's sake.
Hold on a minute.
I'll lend you the money, OK? Thanks.
Stay up, stay tight.
Here, Noah! - Get inside, stay inside! - Go on! - Ah! - Give me the ball.
(Frank) I'd put money on Gates not seeing out his contract.
Mind you, there is a penalty if he does the dirty on us.
There is always a penalty, not seeing out your contract, Tanya.
I'm sure nobody'd dare turn you over, Frank.
- Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry.
Hurt did it? Perhaps if you got to training on time, you'd learn how to stay on your feet.
I just needed to talk to Hazel.
- Oh, yeah? What about? - It's private.
Listen, I know you've been in Italy, where Mamma pays the wages, but over here, that's all she does - just pay the wages, OK? I run this football team.
You'd better start remembering that.
All right, chaps, in the showers.
I was thinking of going to Fabric later.
You up for it? - Nah, I've got something on.
- Going out with this lot? - They never asked me.
- No, I'm seeing someone.
Oh, right! Go on, what's she like? Fantastic.
Maybe we could talk over dinner.
- Why would we be having dinner? - It's not like I'm gonna to say anything.
- I just wanna see you.
- Look, if I was looking for a boyfriend But I'm not, all right? - Any broken bones? - No.
- You will have if you go AWOL again.
- I'm really sorry, Miss Bailey, - but it were an accident.
- Yeah? Well, that's exactly what I want you to tell the press.
All you've got to do is smile, keep it simple I'll handle this.
I'm not having this turning into another media circus.
Fancy yourself as ringmaster, do you? Be my guest.
Come on, let's go over here.
- Mr Webb! Mr Webb! - Er, yes.
So, how did you manage to escape the lions? You must have been terrified.
Not really.
Just kept me cool, you know.
As long as you show no fear, they leave you alone.
They're just big cats, really.
- (Reporters) Mr Webb! Mr Webb! - Hello? Can yous all hear me at the back? Harley was dead brave.
Them lions were wild, tearing away at anything they could get their teeth into.
We were bricking it, weren't we? Yeah, well, as you can see, they're both back safe and sound.
But in the end, one of the rangers came out in a van and saved us.
We was dead lucky cos they were ravenous.
His name's Andy.
He had a Crocodile Dundee hat on and everything.
- Er, yes.
- Was alcohol a factor in the crash? Are you worried by this resurgence of the drinking culture at Earls Park? Listen, mate, there is no drinking culture at this club.
All right, boys and girls.
Let's talk facts.
Alcohol is not the issue here.
Yeah, they'd had a couple of drinks.
They'd just got married! What do you expect them to be drinking, Evian? No, the real issue here is safety.
And what this club wants to know is how these two were able to just up and away with no regulation, no supervision.
- Now, if there are no more questions - Mr Webb! Mr Webb! Good.
That'll be all, then.
You just can't help yourself, can you? You are gonna have to work bloody hard to get back in my good books, Lawson.
I'm telling you two.
You give the press nothing except what you want to read.
And to make sure there's nothing you can give them, lover boy here's on a no-booze rule.
Clubs, pubs, drinking at home - they're all out.
You can't tell him what to do at home.
- Can't I? - No way.
It's me is his wife.
And it's me is telling you how to be a good one.
- What are we gonna tell our mates? - Look, love, it's my Jag, you just park it.
Huh! Harley! I know I need a bloody drink.
Frank, I forgot.
I've got a hair appointment in half an hour.
- Can you drop me off at the salon? - Tanya, I'm exhausted.
Just drop me where I can get a cab then.
There is nothing wrong with your hair.
Get in, we're going home.
Fine.
You're keeping me prisoner so I might as well look like one.
Don't complain when the press laugh at us.
Oh, bloody hell.
Where is this salon, then? So where's Amber, then? It's not like her to miss a threesome.
Come on, Conrad, I'm not the only one who's noticed she's not been around.
She's visiting her mother, all right? I'm not some cheap tart you can pick up and drop when it suits you, you know.
You know fashion - one day you're in, the next you're out.
Bollocks.
You certainly didn't think I was last season yesterday.
Talk to me, Conrad.
I'm risking my marriage for you.
- If Frank ever finds out - Then don't risk it.
I'm not asking you to! Just forget about me, Tanya.
But we're fantastic together.
(Mobile) Baby, you OK? Jesus, Amber.
I'm not dropping a million quid in a wood.
Who's to say they'll let you go, anyway? I take it she's not shopping in Milan, then? My God.
So you're going through all this on your own? And there's me going on about us.
Jesus, you must be going out of your mind, especially as it's the same people who chopped up her dog.
I don't know what to do, Tanya.
I feel terrible.
If she hadn't seen us at the wedding, she wouldn't have bolted and - This is all my fault.
- They'd have got to her anyway.
Don't give up.
There's still hope, darling.
She's not dead yet.
What are the police doing? The police don't know.
I can't tell them.
If I tell anyone, they'll kill her.
Hello, darling.
You are gonna love me.
Oh, yeah.
It's front page without a doubt.
But this can never come from me.
Ever.
Is that the cash? - I owe you one, Hazel.
- Yeah, you do.
And there's interest, too.
I want that paid in goals.
Here, Shan.
Must be the wedding pictures.
Oh, my God! I can't believe we're gonna be in Hello! Look at Kev's arse! Ugh, look at Amber Gates all over poor Father Doyle.
Dirty mare.
Not as bad as what Daisy's doing, look.
With your Kev, and all.
The bridesmaid's meant to cop off with the best man.
'Ey, this'll be our cheque.
"Dear Mr "We enclose a set of photographs taken at your wedding.
"Unfortunately none of these are suitable for publishing in Hello! magazine "due to lack of cooperation on your part.
"Therefore it is with much regret "that we are unable to honour our part of the agreement.
" Your stupid balloon's gone and done that! Me? Your stupid rat-arsed brother and his mates, more like.
Hazel's right, Shan.
We've got to clean our act up.
Shit.
All right, Pascoe? Jesus! You've just lost 600K? Don't worry.
A sunglasses contract'll see to that.
- Hmm.
- Oh, come on, babe.
You know how hard I've been working to get back.
This is just a bit of fun.
From where I'm standing, looks like a problem.
(Mobile) - 'lt's me, it's Amber.
' - Amber! Did they get the money? Yeah, they got the money.
Oh, Conrad! You did it! You didn't let me down.
- They're gonna let me go.
- Oh, thank God.
- When? - Well, I don't know but soon.
I'm gonna get to see you soon, Conrad.
'Bye.
I love you.
' - What? - She's coming home, H! Watch the suit! Good.
- Now we can get back to some football.
- (Door buzzer) - (Man) 'Mr Gates? ' - Who is it? 'Barry Maynard from the Star.
' It's about the disappearance of your wife.
Any comment? Oh, Jesus! It's the Star.
(Sighs) What do you want? - 'Barry Maynard ' - Get your pad out.
'There is no disappearance, there is no story.
' End of.
I reckon if I really get my head down, I could get some decent pictures.
Take some of me, if you want.
I'm practically a model, now.
There's some cracking views in London.
I might take a shot of that Dome.
You know, put a filter on, make it a bit special - and send it to me mam for her birthday.
- Sod the flaming Dome! I've got a couple here that need focusing on.
I'm not gonna get a chance to show them off, seeing as I'm a hermit now.
Hazel didn't say we can't go out, she said we can't go out on t'piss.
It'd be more fun married to a plumber.
Come on! I think it's nice.
You and me, staying in, spending time together.
And all that.
'The proceeds from this evening's event will all be going to local charities.
' 'There's growing speculation tonight 'over the whereabouts of the wife of England football captain Conrad Gates.
- 'Rumours of a split are rife ' - Shit! ' as their relationship has grown increasingly stormy.
'The actress has not been seen for days.
As yet the police have not been involved.
'Meanwhile, Conrad Gates is believed to be very concerned about his wife.
'He's being comforted at his Highgate home by friends.
'We'll keep you updated throughout the evening.
' (Laughs) Let's see how Bailey copes now.
It takes balls, this game, real balls.
Do you reckon it is a split or is there something else going on? Put it this way - if it's the curry specialists again, Bailey's gonna have more on her plate than a fried dog.
Earls Park's never been so exciting.
I think I need a lie-down.
How about you? And just a lie-down, mind you, OK? Fine.
I'll bring the drinks.
(Sighs) (Camera shutters clicking) Where is she? They've killed her, I know they have.
- Conrad! - The whole world knows she's missing.
I need to check out, please.
You're leaving early, madam.
Was everything to your satisfaction? Yes, it was fine, thank you.
Can I get my bill? If you'd like to fill out your details, I'll make sure you receive notice of any offers at Oldbury Hall.
Listen, I've got a plane to catch and a taxi waiting, so if you could hurry up, please.
Leave it.
Thank you.
(Snores) - That was amazing.
- Oh, Jesus.
This is me going against my doctors' orders.
- They told me to take it easy.
- Oh, what do the doctors know? Wasn't so long ago they wanted to switch off your life support.
You were cheering them on, as I recall.
Oh, Frank.
I think your heart's in better shape than they're telling you.
It's got to be to keep pumping you up like this.
Well, unless those pills are Viagra.
(Chuckles) (Sighs) One two three four five, six, seven, eight nine, ten, eleven, twelve thirteen, fourteen.
- (Horn blaring) - (Sobbing) Please help me.
I've been kidnapped.
(Sobbing) Sorry but we do need to ask you a number of questions.
I want to see my husband.
All in good time, Mrs Gates.
Did you see your abductor? No.
I told you, I didn't see anything until I was dumped in the woods and I took the blindfold off.
But you did hear his voice.
Can you describe it? I just want this to end.
Mrs Gates, you're going to have to tell us everything.
Was there a ransom demand? Was any money handed over? Look, he was a mad fan, he knew all about my films and he said he wanted me to get him a part.
- Where were you held? - I don't know.
- Were you driven? - It was all really confusing.
How did you escape, Mrs Gates? (Sobs) I'm too tired.
Mrs Gates, we have to ask.
Was there any sexual assault? No! I told you, he was a bloody nutter.
There must be thousands of them out there.
(Siren) - (Camera shutters) - Move back, please.
- Conrad! - I thought I'd lost you.
- I thought that was it.
- So did I.
- Ah! Thank God I've got you back.
- I was so scared, Conrad.
Oh, babes.
You'll never let anyone come between us again, will you, Conrad? It's just me and you, now.
Promise me! - I so you need you to.
- I promise you.
You're my everything.
(Reporters shouting) 'A relieved Conrad Gates was reunited with his actress wife Amber tonight.
'Police say Mrs Gates was abducted and held captive by a deranged film fan 'but the actress has insisted that she suffered no physical harm.
' (Conrad) 'lt's been a terrible time, we're just glad it's over.
' 'I was just just very lucky.
'The guy basically did it out of a kind of love for me 'and he knew he shouldn't have and I think that's why he let me go.
' 'We just hope, if he's listening, 'he'll come forward so he can get some help.
' - 'One more question ' - 'Over here, over here ' 'Now back to Dawn in the studio.
' (Crowd cheering) Well done, chaps.
Well! Finally! It seems you gentlemen have decided to play some football.
Gates, I want another goal in the second half.
Hayward, get into Marshall, just knock him off the ball.
Now listen up.
We win today, it's not just three points.
It's the first win over United.
Now, I came to Sparks to break some records, - so let's break 'em.
- (Cheering) Hello, Tanya.
Join me in a drink? A bottle of Cristal, please.
If Conrad hadn't begged me to come, I would never have left the house.
It's been absolutely awful.
I've been too frightened to go out.
- (Cork pops) - So they found you in Oldbury Woods.
Well, to be quite honest with you, I didn't know where in the world I was.
He kept me blindfolded and tied up most of the time.
I remember scratching away at the rope, you know, trying to loosen it but of course it was no use.
In the end, I realised that I just had to keep him talking.
Thank God that's all he wanted, eh? Well, here's to freedom.
Bet you didn't think I'd make it.
Wouldn't put anything past you, Amber.
All's well that ends well, eh? Fraternising with the enemy? She looks very good for someone who's been locked up all week.
Tell you what, H, if I ever get kidnapped, I hope they stash me somewhere near Oldbury Health Farm.
In fact, I might give them a ring, see if they've got a room for tonight.
- I need to get my chakras energised.
- Well, you know what energises her.
And I know what energises his football.
- (Laughter) - Ah! Here comes the prodigal son.
- Roger.
- Kyle! Remember this place, do you? This is commonly known as the players' lounge.
P-L-A-Y-E-R, player.
That's you.
Time's not on your side, son, so you'd better speed up the recovery - or you'll be needing a guest pass - Lucky I've got my physio, then.
- Yeah, how's he getting on, Elaine? - Yeah, all right.
All right? Just all right? We're not paying you to watch daytime TV and get your back rubbed, so pull your finger out.
Are you trying to ruin my career? He doesn't need an excuse to kick me out.
He wants you back and you'd be back a hell of a lot quicker if you concentrate on training, not gambling.
I was gonna take you out for dinner but you know what? I lost my appetite.
Hey! Well done.
You looked part of the team today.
Cheers.
I were made up when it went in.
It's boss when you score at home.
Mr Webb, don't you reckon he deserves a bevy later to celebrate? We've been ever so good.
We've haven't touched a drop.
That's why he scored today, love.
So stay good cos it's obviously working.
(Phone) (Laboured breathing) - (Answering machine bleeps) - 'Hi, this is the Lasletts.
'Sorry we can't take your call, please leave a message and we'll call you back.
' - (Beeps) - (Tanya) 'Hi, darling.
'The boys will be celebrating so Hazel's arranged a girls' night out.
' I imagine it'll be a late one so I'll stay over at hers.
I've got my mobile with me.
'I imagine you probably could do with a good night's sleep anyway.
' OK.
Bye.
Kyle! Wait! Why, so you can stab me in the back again? - (Shutters clicking) - Can't you think of anyone but yourself? - Go on, mate, take this.
- Cheers.
Roger's my boss and as far as he knows, I'm just your physio.
So sorry I'm not singing your praises and telling him you're great in bed.
But when we're here, Earls Park's my work and you're my client.
- Fine.
- I'm taking you for dinner, so let's go.
This is harder than one of your physio sessions, you know that? You couldn't do me a massive favour, could you, darling? Oh, my God.
Can you bring up camera 3? Can you zoom in on that? Stop.
That clear enough for you? Crystal.
He said whatever I've been doing seems to have worked wonders.
There's been no more deterioration.
I could last maybe a year at this rate.
Great! That's great news.
I understand that you do eliminations.
Ah! A curse! - It takes time.
- I don't care what it takes.
I want it done.
- (Coughing and gasping) - Water? Do you want water? (Choking)