Friends s03e05 Episode Script

So what happened? Did a forest tick you off? We always say we need a place for the mail.
I started building one.
But then I decided to take it to the next step.
You' re building a post office? No, an entertainment unit, with a built-in mail cubby.
It's a one-day job, max.
My word, those are snug! These are my old work pants.
Sergio valente.
Power saw kind of got away from me there.
The One With Frank Jr.
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:staz:.
(staz@post.
cz) Hey, Pheebs.
Any sign of your brother? No, but he's always late.
-I thought you only met him once.
-I did.
I think it sounds big sister-y, "Frank's always late.
" Well, relax.
He'll be here.
I know.
I' m just nervous.
It's just, Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister.
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Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately.
It's just the "Iast-desperate- chance-to-have-a-family" kind of thing.
You' re sweet to wait with me.
Actually, Gunther sent me.
You' re not allowed to have cups out here.
Does anyone else think David Copperfield's cute? No.
But he told me he thinks you' re a fox.
All right.
Janice likes him.
In fact, she likes him so much, she put him on her "freebie" Iist.
Her what? We have a deal where we each pick five celebrities we could sleep with.
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and the other one can't get mad.
The heart of every healthy relationship: Honesty, respect and sex with celebrities.
So who's on your list? Kim Basinger.
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Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry.
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Yasmine Bleeth.
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and Jessica Rabbit.
You do realize that she is a cartoon, and way out of your league? I know.
I just wonder if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.
Who would yours be? First, I need a boyfriend.
Then I can have a list.
It's just a game, Mon.
Rach, how about you? I don't know.
I guess Chris O' Donnell, John F.
Kennedy Jr.
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Daniel Day-Lewis, Sting and Parker Stevenson.
Spiderman? Hardy Boy.
-Peter Parker.
-Thank you.
What about you, honey? Who'd be on your list? That kind of thing requires some serious thought.
First, I'd divide my prospective candidates into categories.
What a geek! Everybody, this is Frank! My half brother, Frank! This is everybody.
-This is Ross.
-How are you? This is Monica.
And this is Rachel.
I' m gonna get coffee for us.
Hey, how do you guys get anything done? We don't, really.
Do you guys have big plans? Oh, yeah.
We' re gonna connect and bond and everything.
I thought we could go down to Times Square and pick up some ninja stars.
My friend, Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.
We really don't take advantage of living in the city.
Oh, sorry.
Did I get you? No, you didn't "get" me! It's an electric drill! You "get" me, you kill me! Calm down! Do you want this unit or not? I do not want this unit! You should've told me before.
I' m not a mind reader.
And we' re out of beer.
I' m going to Monica's.
Fine! Where you heading in those pants? I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale.
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if you wanna redo your bathroom floor.
What's wrong with my bathroom floor? Nothing.
It's just old and dingy, that's all.
I highly doubt that.
If you move your hamper.
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you see how the tile used to be.
I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? Relax.
Here, hold this.
This old stuff comes right up.
I'll show you.
A little more than I wanted to see.
Look at that! Every inch of this is glued down! It'd take forever to pry this up.
You should just leave it.
I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor! There.
There you go.
Yeah, that's nice.
We can put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon! I know what I wanted to ask you.
Can you roll your tongue? Because I can and my mom couldn't.
And I figured that was something I got from our dad.
Well, wait, you mean like this? Yeah, you can do it too.
Yeah.
You' re not doing it.
Oh, right.
Okay.
Yeah, my mom could and I can't.
We don't have that.
When's your birthday? February 1 6th.
I know a guy who's the 1 8th.
That's close.
When's yours? October 25th.
That's the same month as Halloween.
So what kind of things do you like to do at home? Melt stuff.
-Okay, I've got three of my five.
-Three of your five what? Celebrities I' m allowed to sleep with.
God, you' re giving this a lot of thought.
Hey, it's hard, okay? I only have two spots left.
All right.
Who you got it narrowed down to? Elizabeth Hurley.
very attractive.
Forgiving.
Susan Sarandon.
You know what? She's too political.
She'd probably make you donate four cans of food first.
And lsabella Rossellini.
very hot.
very sexy.
But she's too international.
She's never gonna be around.
-So? -So you gotta play the odds.
Pick somebody who's gonna be in the country all the time.
Yeah.
Because that's why you won't get lsabella Rossellini.
Geography.
Okay.
So by "melting" you meant melting.
So is it, like, art? Yeah, you can melt art.
Hey, can I use your phone? -Sure.
You want to call your mom? -No, I want to melt it.
Oh.
Well, not right now.
I' m gonna go to bed.
The fumes are giving me a headache.
So.
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Good night, "bro.
" Good night.
Here.
Just in case.
Oh, excellent! -What kind of karate is that? -No kind.
He just makes it up.
-How's it going with you guys? -So far it kind of blows.
I don't know, I just thought he'd feel more like a brother.
Like you and Ross.
Close and connected and.
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We' re close now.
You wouldn't believe the years.
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of noogies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies and.
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That's when the waistband goes over your head.
We drove each other crazy playing the shadow game.
-How do you play the shadow game? -How do you play the shadow game? -I just asked you.
-I just asked you.
I don't have time for this.
-That is what the game is.
-You just gave up really quickly.
-Seen Joey? -What's the matter? Oh, just this! It's my fault, really, because the couch is where we keep the varnish.
Somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles? -What's going on? -He's retiling my floor.
Spackle boy! -Get up! -You started this, you'll finish it! He started mine first! Build the unit, Cinderellie Lay the tile, Cinderellie Big octopus.
Oh, my God! I totally forgot! Well, can't someone else do it? But I have company.
Look, that's all right.
I'll come in.
I' m sorry, but I have to go into work.
It's one of my regulars who's insisting that I do him, so.
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Hey, what kind of work do you do? I' m a masseuse.
I give people massages and stuff.
You work at one of those massage parlors? Well, you know, we don't call it that.
But, yeah.
That's wild.
No, I had no idea.
Alrighty.
I'll be back in a little bit.
Unless you want to come with me.
You mean, like, watch? No.
No, you can get one yourself.
It'll be on the house.
What are big sisters for? Well, I don't think this.
You know? No.
No, no.
I wouldn't do you myself.
I mean, that would be weird.
I'll get one of the other girls to do it.
This is so much fun! Are you excited? Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there? It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was! What are you going in there for? You want, like, a number? Hi.
Bye.
Okay.
I' m done with my choices.
These are final.
-Well, it's about time.
-Yeah.
very official.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, Chandler printed it up on his computer.
And who laminated it? That was me.
All right, let me see.
"Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurley.
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Michelle Pfeiffer.
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Dorothy Hamill"? Hey, it's my list! You do realize she only spins like that on ice? -What's going on? -She broke my arm! -He touched my fanny.
-She touched mine first! That's my job! So what's the deal? I can have sex with you but I can't touch you? -You can't have sex with her! -Did you think I was a hooker? No, okay.
I know.
You' re a masseuse.
It's cool.
I' m not a cop! Ask Mr.
Wiffler if he can wait for five minutes.
Fine.
I don't like you.
So that's what you thought I did? God! That's not what I do! Wait, that's not what you do? No! Why would you think that? I don't know.
This is the city, you know? I just.
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I mean.
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I don't know.
Whatever.
It's the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyway.
Oh, wait.
No, you' re right.
No, it was perfect.
I can't believe I screwed it up so bad.
You thought it was perfect? Well, no, maybe it wasn't perfect.
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but you know, it was pretty cool, you know? Because we had all those great talks, you know? Which ones in particular were great for you? Well, you know, about the tongue thing, you know? And how I told you about my likes and my dislikes.
How I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt.
Right.
Okay.
I feel like I can really talk to you because you' re my sister, you know? Yeah.
I guess I do.
And then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me.
Well, I wasn't hopping mad, you know? You hopped a little bit.
Yeah, I' m really sorry.
You know, I' m really.
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Okay.
Well, this is my favorite part of the weekend.
Right now.
This.
This? Oh, come on.
We went to Times Square.
We found ninja stars.
I almost get my arm broken by a hooker-- She's not a hooker.
When I tell my friends about her, she will be.
On 3! Why don't we just go on 2? Why 2? Because it's faster.
I could've counted to 3 four times without all the "2" talk.
-All right, but in the future-- -Heavy thing! Not getting lighter! So we are going with two? A good job, Joe.
Wow.
It's big.
So big it actually makes our doors look smaller.
Maybe my ruler's wrong.
Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
It's not that bad.
So it blocks a little of your door, a little of mine.
I got a better idea.
How about it blocks none of my door, and a lot of your door? Listen, before I forget, that side is still wet.
Let me just see if I've got this right.
So this is a half-caf, double-tall, easy hazelnut.
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nonfat, no foam, with whip, extra-hot latte, right? Okay.
Great.
You freak.
Thank you.
A coffee to go, please.
Isabella Rossellini! Are you serious? Oh, my God! Damn! I cannot believe I took her off my list! Why? Because otherwise you'd go for it? Yeah, maybe.
You lie.
You don't think I'd go up to her? It took you 1 0 years to finally admit you liked me.
Yeah? Well, missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.
You know what, honey? You go ahead.
We'll call her an alternate.
Hold my cruller.
Are you really gonna let him do this? He's about to go hit on lsabella Rossellini.
I' m just sorry we don't got popcorn.
I' m Ross.
You don't know me, but I' m a big, big fan of yours.
I mean.
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Blue Velvet.
I was wondering if I could maybe buy you a cup of coffee.
Or reimburse you for that one.
Aren't you with that girl over there? Well, yeah, kind of.
But that's okay.
We have an understanding.
We each have this list of five famous people, and you were one of mine.
So I' m allowed to sleep with you.
It's flattering.
I don't know-- Wait.
Wait, lsabella.
Don't dismiss this so fast.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Yeah, for you.
Is that the list? -Yes.
-Can I see it? -Come on.
-But-- Okay.
I' m not on the list! But that's not the final draft.
It's laminated.
Okay, see, you were on my list.
But then my friend, Chandler.
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brought up the point that you are international.
So I bumped you for Winona Ryder.
Local.
You know, it's ironic, because I have a list.
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of five goofy coffeehouse guys.
And yesterday, I just bumped you for that guy over there.
We' re just gonna be friends.
You know what? Bet you I could fit in there.
I got five bucks says you can't.
Get out your checkbook, mister.
Oh, I think I have the cash.
You are dog, man! I totally fit! Yeah.
You got me.
I' m out five big ones.
There you go.
Thank you.
Oh, well, hello, Mr.
Lincoln! Better luck next time, buddy! And the drinks are on me!