Ghosts (2021) s03e05 Episode Script

1
I can't believe this.
Yeah, it's a weird thing to see.
Just be glad they put your body in bag.
That not happen to Thor.
Slowly watched my own body
decompose over many years.
You've said all this before.
Not to her! She new here.
- Is very good story.
- MARVIN: That should do it.
Just need you to sign
here and initial here.
It's just so sad.
We knew the family.
Yeah, it's rough.
And just to reiterate,
we did not provide the donut holes.
The deceased brought them to the party.
Not to victim blame.
Mm. Kind of sounds like you are.
Peter, how are you managing
this turn of events?
Well, I'll admit, I was pretty steamed
when I realized I was gonna have to
spend eternity with Carol.
Because of the fact
that she cuckolded you
with your best friend Jerry.
Right, but
I've been thinking about it,
and it's not healthy
to dwell in the past.
You know what, I'm sorry, I believe
it was actually Jerry
that cuckolded you.
Carol just cheated.
Even in these difficult
times, we must be precise.
Yes, thank you for that
attention to detail,
but the larger point I'm
making is that I'm fine.
So you're not gonna
confront her about it?
PETE: Well, I don't think
she realizes that I know.
And if that's the case,
why make her transition to
the afterlife any harder?
She's got a lot on her plate.
One less donut hole than before.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- I should not be laughing at that.
- No. No.
I mean, I'm filled
with anger toward her,
but I-I'm trying to swallow it.
Hopefully better than she
swallowed that tiny confection.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Hetty, you're bad.
- I am bad.
♪
So, uh, we have some bad news.
- Yeah, I heard about the dead lady.
- (CHUCKLES)
A lot of people did,
including our main investor,
who feels like,
in combination with the finance bro
we fished out of the lake last year
Epic.
it's just too many dead bodies
for her taste, and she's
pulling her funding.
Oh, man, this is not good.
Mark getting bad news.
The tables have turned.
We'll get another investor,
we'll figure it out.
Hamilton would say you could just
print the money, and then he'd probably
go whoring, which he did.
That's great, but we need money now.
If we shut down, we're
gonna lose our crew,
and who knows when we'll get them back.
Wait, what are you saying?
I'm saying,
if we don't come up
with, like, ten grand
to cover us over the next couple weeks,
you can forget about the restaurant.
And now we're back to
Mark delivering bad news.
All's right in the world again.
Hey, you know who's
literally got exactly $10,000?
Isaac,
- from his biography you sold.
- SAMANTHA: Right.
Sass is pointing out that
we gave Isaac that money
for the book advance.
Speaking of which, have
you looked at the draft
- I gave you to read yet?
- Uh
Jay, it's been on your
nightstand for the last week.
I've been really busy
with the restaurant.
He was on TikTok for, like, an hour,
watching people unclog drains.
- It is oddly satisfying.
- So good.
I promise I will soon, babe.
Now, in the meantime,
let's go get that Founding Farter
and save our restaurant.
Sounds like we have our book title.
Not a good start, Jay,
but I am intrigued.
I once turned down the opportunity
to be part owner in a tavern,
and I always regretted it.
Oh! Isaac's interested, Jay.
ISAAC: They were known
for their horse pie.
They put cinnamon in it.
The name of the horse was Cinnamon.
TREVOR: T-Money time out.
As your financial advisor, I
need to advise you against this.
The restaurant business is very risky.
Well, we'll pay you right back.
We just need to get through
the next couple weeks.
JAY: What's happening?
Is the ghost that we gave the money to
not gonna give it back to us?
No, he will, Jay.
Not if he listens to the Wharton grad
he looks to to make these decisions.
Oh, did you go to Wharton?
Haven't heard you mention that.
Samantha, I would love to help you out,
but I'm sorry, I must heed
Trevor's financial advice.
It's not that I don't believe in you,
it's just No, it's that.
In his defense, you two
aren't great at business.
- I mean, you gave $10,000 to a ghost.
- Exactly.
PETE: So, you see, Carol,
aside from not being
able to touch things
or leave the property, we actually lead
a pretty normal existence here.
And, yes, ghosts can have sex.
What? She was gonna
get there eventually,
I thought I'd cut to the chase.
The ghosts date each other?
There is some of that going on, yes.
Isaac and Nigel are engaged.
I was consorting with Trevor
and a washing machine.
And Thor was with Flower.
She get sucked off.
Well (SCOFFS) good for her, I guess.
Yes, good for Flower,
but very painful for Thor.
Jerry always used a pillow.
Anyway, what about you, Pete?
Are you dating anyone?
(STAMMERING): Oh, uh, me?
I know this could be a
little awkward to talk about,
but it's been 40 years.
It's okay if you've moved on.
In fact, it would be
weird if you hadn't.
Yeah. Very weird.
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
- (WHISPERS): This is painful to watch.
- Yeah.
What do we think Carol has
in that big purse of hers?
If there's a God, cocaine.
SASAPPIS: Do people keep
pizza in their purses?
We'll find out when we
look for the cocaine.
So you seeing anyone currently?
You bet I am. Yeah, big-time.
Oh. What's her name?
Name? Uh, well, you know, let me,
let me check with her first.
Uh, just of respect, you know.
I-I can't wait to tell you about it,
'cause she is real
really
Carol, I don't believe you
have seen the mansion yet,
and I would love to give you a tour.
Yes, and we can learn more
about your purse in the process.
Person. I said "person."
- Thank you.
- HETTY: So tell us about your interests.
Greasy foods? Stimulants?
Good grits!
I'm really up a creek this time.
Will one of you pretend
to be my girlfriend?
(GROANS) Are we really
singing this song again?
Why is that always your first move?
I just don't want Carol knowing
I spent the first 40 years
of my afterlife being loyal to her,
when she wasn't even loyal
to me while we were married.
It's humiliating.
You should've just bit the bullet
and told her the truth.
There's plenty of time for
Monday-morning quarterbacking, Nancy.
We are where we are.
Now, will you be my
fake girlfriend or not?
No, I'm not doing it.
I've served my time.
Alberta? Please?
I-I don't think that's
a good idea, Pete.
You know, there's history.
Like when Pete try to kiss
you and you facepalm him.
I think we all knew what
she was referring to.
Just very funny to talk about.
SAMANTHA: Are we really
taking Isaac's money?
This feels wrong.
No, babe, what was wrong was
us giving an invisible person
$10,000 in the first place.
Samantha, I've been thinking about it,
and to hell with Trevor.
It's my money and I want
to help you guys out.
Besides, we're only
borrowing Isaac's money.
Wait.
Are you stealing my money?
Nope, no. We're not stealing.
That's it, you say it out
loud and it feels true, right?
Jay, Isaac's in here.
God, I wish we could put a bell on them.
I'm confused. You want
to see what's in my purse?
Carol, you died with your purse,
which means everything in
it is stuff we can touch.
Let's see. Receipts.
Tissues. Some candy.
- My keys.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What type of candy?
- Nose candy?
Butterscotch. Here, try it.
Oh. What the heck?
Once you let go of an
item, it zaps back to you.
It's ghost rules.
So you can only touch it
if I'm also touching it?
That is correct.
There you guys are.
We were thinking about going for a walk.
Oh, you should come, Carol.
Sure. I'll come.
Will your girlfriend
be joining us, Pete?
Um, my-my girlfriend?
Uh
N-No, she's, uh, she's
not here right now.
CAROL: But I thought
- we couldn't leave the property.
- PETE: Right.
But, uh, you know, the thing
with my girlfriend is, um
- Uh, h how do I put this?
- ALBERTA: Pete.
It's fine. You can tell her about us.
I-I can?
(GASPS) You're dating Alberta.
I asked Pete not to say anything.
We just wanted to
make sure you were okay
to adjust to the afterlife,
before we rubbed our
relationship in your face.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh
Every time she touches me,
it's like the first time.
Happy for you two.
So, if we could just
circle back to the candy.
If you were to hold it,
then we could suck on it that way.
With her fingers in our mouth
and the candy in her fingers.
Sasappis! That's just
genius enough to work.
I think I'm gonna go get some air.
Between your toes is also a possibility.
- We're willing to work with you!
- Carol!
Carol!
Oh, my God, Alberta. I
can't thank you enough.
I'm happy to help you out.
But just remember, this is not one of
your '80s romantic comedies
where we pretend to date
and fall in love for real.
Of course. I-I wasn't
even thinking that.
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
- He was definitely thinking it.
- (SIGHS)
I mean, you did say
some nice things about me
that seemed to come
from a genuine place.
- Pete.
- Yeah, yeah, no, no. Just friends. Got it.
SAMANTHA: Isaac.
I'm sorry.
The restaurant means so much to Jay.
We just didn't know what else to do.
- Samantha
- JAY: The money's gone, Sam.
Sergeant Fartypants' account
is totally cleared out.
Wh-what do you mean gone?
Also, Isaac is in here, you should know.
And I was a captain.
It's Captain Fartypants.
Which he would know
if he had read my book.
How does $10,000 just disappear?
Relax.
I moved the money into
a brokerage account.
SAMANTHA: What? Trevor said he
moved it into a brokerage account.
You think I'm gonna sit
back and let my boy collect
two percent like a chump?
I know better than
that. I went to Wharton.
We know, Trev!
So, where is the money now?
It's safe and sound. I'll show you guys.
I just need a minute to log in.
And some privacy.
Trevor wants us to stand over there.
He doesn't want us to see his password.
(EXCLAIMS) Sure.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(STRAINING)
- Done.
- ISAAC: Wait, that can't be right.
Does that say $200,000?
(CHUCKLING): I'm rich.
I could buy Delaware twice over.
I wouldn't want to, but I could.
Trevor, this is amazing!
Just a little taste of what
I was like when I was alive.
Was it natural talent,
or skill that I developed at
the country's most elite
Babe, it's nosediving.
Lower than zero? How can
it go lower than zero?
Well, technically, when
you short an option,
there's no limit to
how much you can lose.
Wait. W-wait, wait, wait,
wait. So now I owe them $48,000?
No, you're fine.
Jay owes them $48,000.
- It's going back up.
- What is this stock?
"Norwegian Cattle Futures"?
Sell! Sell! Sell! Sam, just press
that little red button
there that says "sell."
JAY: "You have successfully
executed a trade."
$187,000!
Oh !
Babe, this changes everything.
We could pay for the
whole restaurant now.
The good chairs, the custom oven.
No cutting corners. This is the dream!
ISAAC: Need I remind you, Samantha,
that that money belongs to moi.
I'm gonna get the tufted
cushions for the booths.
I thought you said you had reconsidered,
and you were gonna give us the money.
What's happening?
I do recall saying that,
but then I remember walking in
- and finding you committing a robbery.
- Isaac!
Don't you "Isaac" me.
You will get nothing.
Your cushions will have no tufts.
No tufts!
We're back to not getting
the money again, aren't we?
- Mm-hmm.
- TREVOR: He picks up on a lot of stuff from context.
It's impressive.
So, how did this thing start?
I want the whole story.
- Oh.
- (CHUCKLES): Well,
I guess it started a few
- weeks ago.
- Years. Ago.
- What?
- Uh
212 weeks, which adds up to years.
(LAUGHS): So it tracks.
Ooh, speaking of time, if it's 3:30,
that means Jay's peeling
a Cutie downstairs
and I never miss that.
Excuse me.
Bye, babe.
(SIGHS QUIETLY)
Alberta seems great.
I'm a lucky guy.
There he is.
My sexy
little scoutmaster.
(CHUCKLES)
Now come on and give mama some sugar.
(WHISPERS): I felt bad, so I'm here now.
You're welcome.
I'm just, I I am really confused.
What about Alberta?
- Alberta?
- Yeah, yes,
because I've been dating
Alberta for a while,
as you know, Nancy.
Right. Right.
Well, I guess now you know
I'm Pete's mistress.
- I see.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Y yes.
That's right. I've been
dating Alberta for quite
some time, but, um
I'm also stepping out on her
- with this lovely lady.
- Yeah.
I have to say, I am shocked.
I just never thought of
you as the cheating type.
Well, I am, apparently.
(CHUCKLES) You know?
It's a lot to keep straight,
but the heart wants
what the heart wants.
Well, when your heart wants
what's under this sack,
you know where to find me.
Bye, babe.
(WHISPERS): I call her that, too.
You know, I might be able
to help you out there.
I know a thing or two about affairs.
Oh, do you? Well, that's news to me.
Well, I don't know from
experience, obviously.
But I watch a lot of soap operas.
Right, you know about
cheating from your soaps.
So I can coach you.
Well, that's just about the
best thing I've ever heard.
You teaching me about infidelity.
Don't worry.
Follow my lead, you'll never get busted.
(BREATHING SHAKILY)
SAMANTHA Isaac, we have
a preposition for you.
What if, instead of you
just giving us the money,
we made you an actual
partner in our restaurant?
I don't know, Sam. You
know, Trevor was suggesting
that I invest my funds in
something called a Lamborghini.
Apparently, it's some
sort of cat magnet,
which I find very interesting,
as a man of science.
Isaac, I-I know you're upset with us,
but you've always
wanted to own a tavern,
and this way you get to have
your dream and Jay gets his.
And this title of partner,
would that mean I have true input?
Yes, you would have input. Right, Jay?
Isaac would have some input.
I mean, yeah, sure,
but I don't want you to work too hard.
You got to rest in peace.
No, no, no. 'Tis no bother.
Now, obviously,
ambience is of the utmost importance.
So, for lighting, I'm
thinking whale oil lamps.
Oh, h-he wants us to
use whale oil lamps.
- I'm definitely sure that that is super illegal.
- But
maybe we can do something close to that.
Right? For our partner.
Yeah, I'm sure we can find
another inefficient way
to light the restaurant that
doesn't break maritime law.
Excellent. Now, on the
floors, I'm thinking sawdust.
Of course we don't want
to encourage the patrons
urinating on the
floor, but when they do,
we'll be ready.
Oh, did people pee a lot on the floor
- back in your day?
- Yeah.
What? What is he saying now?
He wants us to put sawdust on the floor.
- (LAUGHS)
- Now, let's talk name.
How do we feel about Higgintoot's?
Oh, h-he's not gonna like that.
What am I not gonna like?
Or "Isaac's House of Horse Pie."
It does put a lot of
pressure on the horse pie,
but I believe Jay can do it.
Uh, Jay, what do you think about
calling the place Higgintoot's?
Mm. Well, I mean,
are we naming an Indian restaurant
or a men's clothing
store on a Dr. Seuss book?
Excuse me?
We are not doing any of this.
This is insane.
Well, then I'm afraid we have no deal.
Well, then he says we
can't have the money.
Who says that, Sam? Huh?
I don't see anyone.
- Jay.
- No.
I'm sorry, Sam. This is crazy.
We're negotiating with a ghost.
I'm not using whale blubber.
I'm not pee-proofing the floors.
And I'm definitely not naming
my restaurant after him.
He's not even a real person, Sam.
Oh, I see.
So now I'm not even real.
He doesn't mean that.
No, no, no, Sam. Why
would you listen to me?
I was nothing in life, and
I guess I'm a nothing now.
It's not true, Isaac.
Samantha,
why don't you just let
Jay take all of the money,
because clearly that's
all he cares about
when it comes to me.
Now, if you'll excuse me
(GROANS)
(PANTING): How's that for real?
He got me.
JAY: I took a bath in tomato sauce,
so hopefully that got
the Isaac smell out.
Good night, Jay.
What? What's wrong?
Isaac was really upset.
Yeah, I know, babe, I feel bad,
but it's my restaurant.
Yeah, we all know it's your restaurant,
and kind of the only thing
you care about right now.
- What does that mean?
- It just means,
there are other people in this house,
and they also have things
that are important to them.
Huh?
(SCOFFS)
♪
JAY: Three more unclogging
videos, then I dive in.
CAROL: So, yeah, a lot of people
think the hardest part about cheating
is the guilt, but in my experience
uh, you know, watching soaps
Right, the soaps you love so much.
The biggest issue is logistics.
So you need a good cover.
Something innocuous that you
can tell Alberta you're doing
when what you're really doing is Nancy,
if you know what I mean.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, I do. I do.
Hey there, Pete.
I was thinking later you and I
could take a nice romantic stroll.
The-the thing is
Pete and I have plans.
He's gonna be showing
me the ghost boundary.
Oh, okay. No problem.
I'll catch you later, hot stuff.
(WHISPERS): You're welcome.
No. I'm not welcome.
I don't want your help cheating, Carol.
What?
I know where you're
getting all your advice
and it's not your soaps.
It's from your affair with Jerry.
Pete, I don't know what
you're talking about.
Save it. I know.
I've known about you and Jerry
since I heard you talking
about it with Sam two years ago.
Well, as you yourself should know,
these things happen.
I should probably excuse myself,
but this is getting pretty juicy.
No, I don't know, Carol,
'cause I'm not a cheater like you.
Well, what about Alberta and
that little potato sack girl?
They were pretending so that
I wouldn't look like a loser.
The truth is, I don't have a girlfriend.
I haven't had a girlfriend since I died
'cause I was staying loyal to my wife!
So, if that makes me pathetic,
then fine, Carol, you win.
I'm pathetic.
But you
you suck.
Not sure if this is
the best time, Carol,
but we think we've lit upon a solution
to this candy business that
might satisfy all parties.
What we're thinking
is, you hold your hand
with the candy through a wall,
and then we lick it from the privacy
of a different room. No eye contact.
No problem.
(CAROL SCOFFS)
I think it may have been a bad time.
Yeah.
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
JAY: Okay, uh
I'm sure you're all
wondering why I asked Sam
to gather you here. Well,
allow me to explain.
We're here today to talk about
my partner in this endeavor,
Isaac Higgintoot.
(CHUCKLES): Oh.
Born 1742,
to Harold and Mary Higginbottom,
who later changed their name
due to some outstanding bank debts.
- Aw, he read the book.
- They chose Higgintoot?
- Mm-hmm.
- Isaac excelled
as an officer and attorney,
a barber and a squirrel taxidermist.
There weren't a lot of people back then,
so you had to wear a lot of hats.
And yet, he was never fully
appreciated in his time.
So here,
at our restaurant, in the center
will sit Isaac's table.
And it'll always be open
for Isaac and his friends,
because even though you're not alive,
you're real to us.
ALL: Aw!
What a touching gesture
and characteristically
stupid business decision.
THORFINN: They dumber than Danes,
but I do love them.
Anyways, um,
I can see now that what I
said was really insensitive,
and I'm sorry, Isaac.
Thank you, Jay. And I'm honored.
Although, I will be laughing
when you're cleaning up
(LAUGHING): all that urine
the sawdust could've soaked up.
Isaac is very appreciative, Jay.
So am I.
Well, before I say anything else,
is that book, like, "done done"?
'Cause I did have some
structure thoughts.
- Don't ruin this.
- I loved it.
I loved the structure.
(LAUGHS)
Hey. Sorry about making
a big scene in there.
I-I didn't mean to blow up like that.
Oh, don't apologize to me.
I was proud of you.
I did want to thank
you for helping me out.
Obviously it didn't
work, but I appreciate it.
You're welcome.
And for what it's worth,
you're not pathetic.
Carol cheated. She's pathetic.
You stayed loyal to
your wife, even in death,
and there's no shame in that.
Thanks, pal.
Sheesh, this darn arrow gets so itchy.
People forget there's
fiberglass in the shaft.
("IF YOU WERE HERE" BY
THOMPSON TWINS PLAYS)
♪
If you were here ♪
I could deceive you. ♪
(GRUNTS)
Well,
thanks again for your (GURGLES) help.
(CHUCKLES) See you around, basset hound.