Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s03e05 Episode Script

This programme
contains some strong language.
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
"By his early thirties,
the middle class person
will not go to sleazy nightclubs
- "and get off his tits on ecstasy."
- Bollocks!
"Instead, his favourite pastime
will be hosting dinner parties."
That's interesting. Mmm.
Who shall I call? Who shall I call?
There's nobody. Nobody.
Oh, Jez and Suze.
- Isn't this thrilling? - Is it chicken?
- No, it's much more middle class.
- Is it cow? - Oh, shut up, Linda.
I love dinner parties.
One feels as if one's in Cold Feet.
I've seen that. It's bollocks.
They were wearing shoes.
Sprout puree? There's plenty left.
Now, does anyone have
an amusing anecdote?
I do! I do! I remember once
Mummy was cooking dinner.
I can't remember whether we had
sausages or fish fingers,
but I threw them across the room.
That's your anecdote?
Oh, God! How do I follow that?
Tom, this food is top-notch.
It's almost bistro-standard.
It's a rustic French peasant recipe
I picked up in the Dordogne -
coq au fromage.
Has Suze done something to her hair?
- I'm not sure.
- I just thought she'd put on weight.
Nah, she's always been a fat pig.
- She's talking to herself.
Is she ill? - She's on the phone.
- Oh. - She's been on for bloody hours.
Oi, rude bitch! I've been slaving
over a hot microwave.
Slap her round the face
and shove her down the catwalk.
Gee! ..Sorry. Sorry.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
What are we calling this new hairdo?
We can rule out "a success".
It's a perm.
Well, you know what they say,
"New job, new hairdo".
- Who says that? - Everybody, Linda.
Now, stop questioning me.
I've had a hard day.
Ooooh!
So, is your new job anything to do
with being an American porn star?
- You did that, didn't you?
- No. I did a film called
The Postman Only Comes Twice -
in a tiny bedsit in Bury St Edmunds.
If you must know, I'm working
at Cyclone Modelling Agency.
She's handling all the top models.
In the words of Sir Cliff Richard
Oh, your coq's so cheesy, Tom.
..Congratulations, Devil Woman!
Jez has got a new job too,
haven't you, sex giraffe?
I have. And, Tom,
I've got a proposition for you.
You're so blatant,
right in front of your wife.
I've been doing promo work. I've
heard about auditions, this Friday.
Guess what? I've got you one.
Oh, God.
- What's it called? - Titus The Musical.
I've got a really tight arse.
Haven't I, Lindy?
Well, I did until the '80s.
No. TITUS - it's the
musical version of Titus Andronicus.
- That means something?
- By William Shakespeare?
- Who? - Oh, I've seen that. The wicked
witch is in it. That's so scary.
"Ding, dong! The witch is dead!"
'Ere, they could play that
at your funeral.
This sauce ain't got any lumps.
I want lumps.
This is so kind. How can I repay
you? Though there is a lady present!
You could try being nice to us.
Nice? I've cooked you a bloody meal.
What more do you want, foreplay?
- Actually, Linda, I've just had
a thought. - I had one of them
last year. It's weird, innit?
- I'm organising Alexander McQueen's
fashion show at the Royal Albert
Hall on Friday. - G-r-eat(!)
How do you fancy being a model?
Oh, Suze!
- Have you taken leave of your senses?
- I always thought you had something!
I don't believe it. Well, I do,
but I don't know what to say.
Excuse me. Hello. Reality check.
- You can't be serious, can you? - I
always knew you looked at me funny.
I thought you were lesbo-curious
but now I know it's just that
you appreciate my natural glow!
You've got the sort of face
they're looking for.
Oh, yes? And what about the body?
Will Alexander McQueen relish his
hotpants on this bloated sasquatch?
Oh, shut up, you jealous nancy.
Oh, you shut up,
you demented great heifer.
- I was born to be in a musical.
I ALMOST was the dresser in Lenny.
- Ah, but you see, can you sing?
Can I si?
Of course I can bloody sing.
- I was head chorister
at Our Lady of the Wrapover Blouse.
Oh, halogen days! - Oh, shut up!
My new best friend needs more wine.
That musical -
when he changed the water into wine.
He was really famous. He had a
rock group. Oh, Jesus, what was it?
Oh, Christ!
I'll remember it in a minute.
- Actually, we should
be making a move. - Yes. - Yes.
Linda,
I don't want you letting me down.
Remember, plenty of rest,
lots of water and eat healthily.
Yes, Suze. I love you, Suze!
Remember, your body is a temple.
The Taj Mahal,
that's about the size of it.
It was bound to happen,
sooner or later.
And now the world can share
the beauty of Lindy.
Ah, you're beautiful, babes.
No, you are, you're beautiful.
Ain't she, Candice?
People say to me, "Louis, you are
the best make-up artist in the
business" and they're not wrong.
I'm like, Jordan, I've done everyone.
The stories these brushes could tell.
I done Emma Bunton last week.
Without make-up Bella Emberg.
Your natural sparkle -
that don't come out of no tube.
Do you know what you are, Linda?
You're special.
We'll go for the turquoise eye-liner.
Candice? Could you mix me up
a turquoise, please? I thank you.
SIGHS
Hello. I was wondering if you were
taking on any new singing students?
My name?
LAUGHS
Does this voice need an explanation?
Dear heart, it's Thomas T Farrell,
hen-pecked peregrine with castanets.
How much do you charge?
Oh. Right.
And who else do you teach?
Sorry, did you say, "Sheila B
Devotion and The Pet Shop Boys?"
I'm breaking up.
Hello. Miss Honeycomb?
Miss Heidi Honeycomb?
I think this could be
your lucky gay day.
Hi. I'm Linda Le Hughes and I'm the
most beautiful woman in the world.
How do I do it?
Simple. Every day,
I cleanse, tone and clench.
But I have one other little beauty
secret that I wanna share egg!
If you crack an egg on your face,
your skin benefits
but if you shove your face
under a grill,
you get a handy little omelette.
Ready for catwalk practice, Linda?
Thanks.
Oh, God. Butterflies,
butterflies, butterflies
I wonder how my voice is?
PRACTISES SCALES
Right, I'm a bit rusty.
Gargle.
LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:
Oh, you are a mucky kid
Dirty as a dustbin li-i-d. ♪
Ready? Now, follow the line
and don't forget to smile.
OK? Go.
I'm too sexy for my love
Too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me. ♪
Argh! No.
Linda, how hard is it
to walk in a straight line?
I can do it on me own
but it's when you're watching me,
Suze. You're pressurising me!
I've stuck a line on the carpet!
Look at it!
- OK? - Yeah, I need toilets.
Shut up.
- And remember, one foot in front of
the other. - Yes. - OK? - Yes. - And go!
I'm too sexy for my love
Too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me. ♪
Ahh! Ohh! Ohh!
He put me off, that time.
You put me off!
What?
- What? What? - What are you wearing?
It's my special singing outfit.
- Do you know who gave this to me?
- Demis Roussos?
My great-auntie Daphne,
The only geisha from Cheadle Hulme.
Rumour has it
she sang for Chairman Miaow.
- If you can't walk in a straight
line - Can't I have a piggyback?
Vivienne Westwood's doing
piggybacks. Alexander needs walkers.
I wish I'd never agreed
to be a bloody model.
Why weren't I born a dog?
You can't hang around like a wombat.
Heidi Honeycomb's on her way.
Who?
My singing teacher.
She told me to wear something loose.
Don't look at me, mate. I'm tighter
than a condom on a beach ball.
Something in the way he moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way
he moves me ♪
You did that without
moving your lips.
Oh, that must be Miss Honeycomb.
Come through, Miss Honeycomb.
Bom, bom, bom, bom
You're asking me where my love grows
I don't know
I don't know. ♪
Yes, all right, you can stop now.
Which one of you is Tom?
'Tis I, Miss Honeycomb. Linda, shut
your mouth, you're not a codfish.
- She looks like - It's rude to
stare but the likeness is uncanny.
Are you Catherine Zeta-Jones?
People always mistake me for you.
Don't take this wrong,
but that catsuit you wore in
Entrapment? I could read your lips.
I am Heidi Honeycomb,
singing teacher to the stars.
Oh, Heidi, hi!
Name me any pop sensation
and I bet I've taught them.
- Em, Atomic Kitten. - Uh
Popstars. Danny from Popstars.
Eh (Gerry and the Pacemakers.)
Yes, I taught them. Thank you.
Linda, vacate this room.
- Why? Do I smell? - No. Yes but
I need to commence my tutelage.
Oh, please let me stay, Tom, please.
She's gorgeous. She's made me
come over all Navratilova.
I need lubrication!
I've heard him shout that out
in the night.
- Fetch me a small Scotch.
- Janette Krankie?
Hey. Me and Janette Krankie
are so close, Linda.
She phones me up at 3am,
gagging for me to let her do
her C sharp minor scales.
I say, "Janette, sweet, sweet,
boy-impersonating Janette,
Heidi needs to sleep!"
There you go, Miss Honeycomb,
one Gail Porter, mountain climbing -
Scotch on rocks.
- I can't abide her,
she does me head in. - Oh, I know.
The things you see
when you haven't got a gun.
I was slagging Elaine Paige off
to Clodagh Rodgers
Excuse me, Heidi, Heidi, hi!
It's me you've come to teach. Look -
I've worn my special singing outfit.
And, look, I can do geisha dancing.
Ga-ga-ga-ga-gung-gung-gung!
- Go on Elaine thingamabob. - Paige!
That pint-sized minx with a gob
like a klaxon's took all my work.
- Really? - Evita, Starlight, Cats.
I was born to play those parts.
Ohh. I'm gonna go round there
and knock her out!
My drawback is I'm average height
and can't do accents. It's so unfair.
Evita could've come from Nottingham.
More Scotch.
Look what else I can do, Heidi.
Moonwalk kabuki. Ta-ka-ta-ka
'Ere, I love the way
you do your hair, babe.
I'll take that as a compliment,
coming from a princess like you.
Quick recap. I'm up for Titus
Androgenous and need a refresher.
Stand close
and let me feel your voice box.
- My old teacher never laid
a finger on me.
- I'm very hands-on with all my boys.
No, we once shared a z-bed.
He taught me a technique
for widening my throat.
Cor, go for it, gel!
'Ere I should have been
a singing teacher.
- And cough! - A-huh.
- Just as I thought mezzo-soprano.
We're walking in the air
Do you wanna feel what I am, Heidi?
Before we go any further,
can I scotch them rumours?
I never laid a finger on Aled Jones,
just taught him Delilah.
My, my, my Delilah. ♪
Come on, come on.
ALL: Why, why, why Delilah? ♪
- More Scotch! - I nearly worked with
Aled Jones when I did The Snowman.
- We couldn't get Aled, we got Vinnie
Jones, instead. - Aled's a nice
fella, but we're only chums, Linda.
But you try telling MY fella that.
I bet your fella's gorgeous, ain't
he, Heid? Is he a right bastard?
He's none other than
glove-puppet maestro, Hal Friggly.
Hal Friggly?
He was my teacher at drama school.
We did Riverdance
with 16 Nookie the Bears. How is he?
I get these urges, Linda,
but what Hal doesn't understand
is he's not man enough for me.
What's she gonna look like
with the chimney on her
What's she gonna look like
with the chimney on her. ♪
You should hear Moira Stewart
singing that - dynamite.
When do we start?
Time is money, Heidi.
Now, Thomas. Thomas.
Imagine your voice box is
a tight-stomached 18-year-old
with baby lotion all over. You've to
caress him into performing for you.
Down in one.
Repeat after me,
Fah dah ri dih
Fah dah ri dah dah! ♪
Fah dah ri dih
Fah de ri de
Fah dah rah de de dah! ♪
Thank you.
It's like I've met Rick Astley
for the first time, all over again.
- My glass appears to be empty.
- Let me fill you up.
Oh, don't tease me, Tom,
He's such a tease, Linda.
I know. I walk around this place
in a constant state of arousal.
Uh? Miss Honeycomb, any more
of that and you shall be drunk.
Drunk I may be
but I've one thing you'll never have.
Thrush? I've had it.
Talent! Is there any more booze
in this house?
Look here! I'm vastly talented.
I've shown you my dances
and have a good singing voice.
From my last pantomime,
Here in the land of golden showers
Meet the mighty people
with psychic powers. ♪
- Don't talk about golden showers. - And
I am deeply professional - the first
thing we learned at drama school,
apart from answering the door
on The Bill.
"He ain't in. I didn't even know
he'd been let out."
Also, you must never ever turn up
so drunk that you can't perform.
You find me incredibly attractive.
I understand. Unhook my
No! No! No!
You're so like Andi Peters.
He likes me to keep it on, as well.
Just go. Shoo,
you vile, begoggled bug-creature.
Oh, no! Please, I need the money.
I'm very good. Ask anybody, ask her.
She's g-r-eat!
Oh, please, Tom. I'll behave myself.
Sing for me. Sing for Heidi!
OK. But take it seriously - there's
a lot riding on this audition.
Maestro,
warble for Heidi.
Well, they asked me to go
for something classical at this
audition, so I plumped for this. OK.
Long ago
High on a mountain in Mexico
Stood a young shepherd boy
Angelo
And met his wife
and he loved her so ♪
What was her financial situation?
Rich was she
Came from a very high family. ♪
Enter.
- Hi. - Hi. Hi.
It's the big day.
You're gonna be a top singer
and I'm gonna be a top model.
Oh, I'm so excited -
- haven't been this excited since
Jimmy Savile came to our school open
day and sat on my face. - Ohh!
- Ohh! - No, Face - it was
the name of our school donkey. - Oh.
- Ah. - So
- How did you sleep?
- Oh, so-so. Funny dreams again.
Michael Portillo in denim hotpants
and a gingham cowboy hat.
At least this time he was dressed.
- True. He's got very big lips,
hasn't he? - Mmm.
My daddy had big lips -
used to get stuck to windows.
Mummy had to prise him off
with a backscratch.
You know what they say about people
with big lips - sensuous lovers!
- I've got my mother's lips
downstairs. - Oh, God!
What's the matter with you?
In the cellar.
She donated them to medical silence,
only I haven't sent them off yet.
Ooh, what's that?
My special pre-audition drink.
It's algae, spinach, seaweed,
garlic, squid and an alphabet of
vitamins. Elton John swears by it.
His farts must be rank.
His poor wife!
No wonder she left him.
I can't sit here, chitty-chatting.
I've gotta go and be a top model.
Cos I am gorgeous.
Can I borrow some of your gay spray?
Cos I'm gorgeous, I'm gorgeous.
I'm G-O I'm gorgeous,
I'm gorgeous. I'm gorgeous.
- I'm gorgeous. Do you want some? - I
don't really. I don't. Linda, don't!
Cos it's going in my mouth and I
Largh!
HE MOUTHS
I can't hear ya.
You're weird, guy. I dunno
INAUDIBLE
You're scaring me, Tom. Mime it.
Mime it.
You're upset about something?
Tom, have you gone blind?
Eye? Eye! Eye.
Quirky '70s disco dance.
Car!
Eye car?
I, Claudius!
Mince?
Walk.
Walk tch
Walk t
Talk!
Eye car talk!
Eye car talk.
Eye car talk. Eye car talk.
Nah don't know what you're saying.
..Is not to show you
some gorgeous frocks.
Enunciate, darling. Roll your rs.
Yes. The main focus of this show
is the models.
Who says models
have to be attractive?
Designers have been chucking skinny
pre-pubescent girls down the catwalk
and life just isn't like that.
Which is why we have chosen
some of the ugliest people around
to model Alexander's clothes today.
We have gone out of our way to find
the most revolting-looking people.
Be challenged. Be horrified.
Get your sick bags at the ready
and welcome Dogs in Togs!
INAUDIBLE
She's a c
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪