GLOW (2017) s03e05 Episode Script

1 Bash Howard Productions proudly presents, live from the Fan-Tan Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, it's GLOW! The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! Ladies and gentlemen, Bash Howard Productions proudly presents, live from the Fan-Tan Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, it's GLOW! The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! It's GLOW! It's GLOW! It's GLOW! It's GLOW! The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! We have to go! Give me a minute! Showtime.
Fuck.
We lost one of our own yesterday.
Bernie Rubenstein.
A man who loved beautiful women as much as he loved a good parking spot.
Bernie was, well you all know Bernie.
Someone who was the biggest personality in the room, even though he was usually the shortest.
He also hated gum.
- Mm.
- And green eye shadow.
He thought it was so tacky, which is why you will not find a single green eyelid in all of Rhapsody.
It's It's funny, I I realize most of you knew Bernie as an old man, but when he was younger, uh, he was he was really something with his dark hair.
He actually hired me for my first job, straight off the bus from Ohio.
He taught me how to do high kicks, how to smile, how to put Vaseline on my nipples so they always looked amazing.
Uh with Bernie gone, it's it's the end of an era.
I mean, nobody really cares about elegance anymore, or class.
Now, people wear T-shirts in the casino, and there's a Burger King in the lobby of the Riviera.
I mean maybe it's a good thing Bernie died before any of that happens here.
Anyway, enough with the nostalgia.
When your shift is done, have a drink at the bar on me.
Chardonnay.
Thank you all for coming.
- I loved your speech.
- Thank you.
His daughters wouldn't let me speak at the real funeral, so Look, um, Bernie always said, "Talk to people when they can't say no to you.
" And so, in his honor, I would like to extend GLOW's contract until the end of the year.
Um Keep you a part of the Fan-Tan family.
Sorry, you you mean stay in Vegas another nine months? Nine months.
Yes.
Let's say double scale for the producers.
- Wow.
- I mean, we can work out the details later.
Well, I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say - that this is an - That we need to discuss this.
Um It's such a flattering offer, of course, but Wow, yeah, obviously there's a lot to talk about together.
All of us.
- Of course.
You know where I am.
- Yes, thank you.
What is there to discuss? This is This is everything we've ever wanted.
The fact that you think that there's nothing to discuss, - that's why we need a discussion.
- Sandy's rolling out the red carpet.
Not to mention, you're gonna make more money - than you've ever made in your career.
- It's not about the money.
It's about the fact that I live in a different state than my kid.
Three months was already brutal.
Brutal? Please.
I seem to remember more than a few amenities that have been making your time here more bearable.
You guys, stop.
We're basically at a funeral.
She's on the floor.
I offered her a sports massage, but she wouldn't let me touch her.
Reggie, I told you, I need soft hands.
Soft.
Hey.
Actually, I'm I'm good down here.
If your back is in too much pain to get on the table, you should probably head to a doctor.
Just do what you can, please.
And, uh, maybe I'll be able to get up.
And I'll go soak in the hot tub.
And go to work.
I'll be fine.
Okay.
Well, uh, Sacramento's still bullshit, - but I now have a B-minus average.
- Mm.
Uh, Billy sent me some lame demo tape, which is like one long, desperate take-me-back plea.
Whatever.
It's It's all boring.
No, not not to me.
I'm just happy to see ya.
I'm glad you decided to spend your spring break here.
It's great.
So, how's Vegas? Well, it This is it.
You're in it.
It's nothin'.
I mean, you know Oh, you know what? You'll get a kick out of this.
Uh, we lost Keith to some gig.
And guess who's gonna be playing ref? - Ruth.
- No.
Good guess, though.
Okay, who? No.
- Yeah.
- Uniform and everything? - Yep.
- Well, now I gotta see this show! - Yeah.
- You running around the ring? No wonder you got so skinny.
Well, I've I've also been dating the hotel gym's rowing machine, so Uh - You know - I wrote my screenplay.
The one I promised I'd finish Really? I finished it.
Wow.
Congratulations.
That's a screenplay.
Okay.
First note: uh, it needs a title.
Yeah, no shit.
Will you read it? I'd love to.
Okay, but I need you to be completely honest with me.
- Especially if it sucks.
- Okay.
I promise to be merciless.
- Don't read it in front of me! - What What the hell is wrong with you? What's happening? Where Where you going? I I don't wanna be anywhere near you when you're reading it.
I don't have to read it right now.
Can't we Got a tip from Chad the valet that you were in here.
Of course you did.
I don't usually get drunk in the hotel bar.
It seems more professional here.
You said I could come to you if I ever needed to.
Woman to woman.
Well, here I am.
Not a good time, Debbie.
If you couldn't tell.
Imagine how you'd feel if Bash died.
I'd Well, it it'd be very tragic, given how young and handsome he is.
You didn't see Bernie in his heyday.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Were you two God, no.
He was a creep.
And very short.
But you know how it is.
You hitch your wagon to a rich dreamer.
The dreamer dies, and your wagon is sitting on the side of the road with a bottle of gin and a four-million-dollar showgirl show to pull along.
Look, I know you're in mourning, but also, uh, doing business, so it's hard to navigate this.
But, um your offer is like dropping an atom bomb on my life.
You're telling me you didn't have a plan for if your show would be successful? I thought it would end after three months, as planned.
Is that what you want? I don't know.
I wasn't really thinking that many steps ahead.
If you want to be a good producer, you should.
Maybe I'll swing by your show tonight.
Rhapsody is dark for the first time in ages.
My husband has a poker game.
Better to cry in the dark with strangers than alone in a big empty house, right? Sam.
Sam.
Sam, hey.
Earth to Sam.
- Hey, man.
- Oh! - That's a lot of pages.
- Mm.
- You back on the horse? Can I read? - No.
Hey.
What do you think of that number? - Nice number.
- Mm-hmm.
You're looking at what you'd be making if we stuck around in Vegas for nine more months.
Fuck.
- That much? - Mm-hmm.
If we want this money, all we gotta do is take it.
Sandy wants GLOW to play the Fan-Tan - through the end of the year.
- Wow.
Okay.
- That's pretty enticing.
- Yeah.
I agree.
So help me get Debbie to come around on this thing.
Together.
You know, I'll be good cop, you be bad cop.
She's worried about I don't know, not being able to see her kid and the girls getting through the show.
Yadda, yadda.
I say let's deal with all that later.
- You know what I mean? - Mm.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't wanna be put in the middle.
All right.
I'm not putting you in the middle.
You'd be on my side, which is not in the middle at all.
What happened to "One for all, all for one"? Well, it's a bit more like, "Two against one until we all agree for one.
" C'mon man.
This is why I kept you around.
See, I thought you kept me around to direct.
Sam, let's be honest, all right? I mean, you're on a paid vacation.
But you can earn your money by being the director who agrees - with the producer.
- Yeah, I'm not your fuckin' butler.
You know? You can't pay me to be your friend, or to agree with you, or to tell you how fantastic all your ideas are.
Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
Instead, I'm paying you to sit around a fucking hotel room and write another screenplay - that'll never see the light of day.
- Don't throw your weight around.
You're not good at it.
You know what, Sam? You're lucky to have this job.
And you should have my fucking back on this.
- Hey.
How was your massage? - Just what the doctor ordered.
You know what? I could use a massage.
My sciatica is killing me! You know, get those, like, nice, warm, tiny hands all over me.
Oh! Last time I had tiny hands all over me, it was at the gynecologist.
- Haa! - Yeah, that's that's good! Hey, hey, I have an idea.
How about I play a Biddie tonight? - Come on! I'd make a great Edna.
Or Ethel.
- Uh Last time we listened to you and Cherry about switching characters, it did not go well.
You know what? I'd be down to switch characters, but I'm not touching Welfare Queen.
I could switch with you.
No No.
We can't switch characters, okay? The costumes won't fit.
It'll be a complete disaster.
Or it'll be funny.
You know what? It's the last week.
Tammé's right.
Let's, uh Let's do it.
Let's shake it up.
- What about kayfabe? - I'm with Carmen.
Also, it's our job to do the same show.
And it's through the repetition that you find out more about your character.
But if we did switch characters, I need to be Welfare Queen.
She's got all the best moves, and I'm the only one, besides Cherry, who can play her.
'Cause I'm half black? - You are? - Oh.
I mean, that's crazy.
I knew that.
Well, I I call dibs on Liberty Belle.
If anyone gets Liberty Belle, it's me.
It was my character first.
Give it a rest, Reggie.
If anyone's capable of making Liberty Belle look good, it's me.
Quick pitch.
Jewish Liberty Belle.
All right! All right! Everyone settle down! If anyone is going to play Liberty Belle it's Ruth.
Oh! - Really? - Yes.
And I am going to play Zoya.
It'll be like Freaky Friday.
Or Freaky whatever, Tuesday.
Oh, come on.
You're an actor.
Don't tell me you haven't wanted to play other parts.
Come on, just be Liberty Belle.
Fine.
It's not the worst idea.
- Junkchain.
- Yes! Yes! Oh, I feel great! Yes! Yeah! Yes! My dad's in the show.
My father figure died this week.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bash Howard Productions proudly presents, live from the Fan-Tan Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, it's GLOW! The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! Ha-ha! Yes, yes, yes! What an audience tonight! Wow! So many VIPs! Better bust out the bubbly! Okay.
For our first match tonight, reeking of Bengay and prune juice, it's Ethel and Edna, the Beatdown Biddies! Oh, boy! My arthritis is acting up! I believe I'm due for a bone density test! - Look at this crowd.
- What crowd? Oh! - Wow, I love this crowd! - Oh, hello.
You're beautiful.
Just beautiful.
Eh, some of you beautiful.
Here they come.
Spry as a coffin.
Edna.
We gotta go.
- We gotta go fight for our lives.
- Ow! All right! Hurry it up, ladies! We got more than one match to get through tonight.
Okay.
Ethel! Ethel! - Okay.
Yeah, yeah, I got you.
- Ethel! Okay.
And in this corner, hopefully, is the Red Scare.
Zoya the Destroya and Fortune Cookie! Darlings, please.
Hate me all you want.
I am cold and heartless like the frigid Siberian tundra.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I feel nothing for you capitalist idiots.
Well, except maybe pity for inevitable decline.
Let's see, what would scare you? A museum.
Book without pictures.
Okay.
And you hello! You have very nice permanent hair treatment.
- Thank you.
- You must be made of money, and therefore have American secrets I can extract through acts of sexual nature.
Hai-ya! Okay.
Perhaps we discuss later in, uh, hot tub.
- Ya! Hai-ya! - Sorry about your bill.
How to approach Oh! Cookie, help.
Help me, Cookie.
Okay.
Coming to the rescue! Perfect for families.
Let's get this party started.
It's time to wrestle.
Look here, little Asian girl.
Just because I'm a baptized member of the Ebenezer Baptist Church don't mean I won't tear that ass up.
How you tear up ass if you cannot walk without walking aid? Excuse me, how do you walk in that tiny leotard? Ha! You're two shakes away from a yeast infection! Ugh! Oh! Hey! Come on! Who has yeast infection now? Who order number 69 on the menu? Ooh! Here.
Belt the skirt.
Yolanda, how's it going over here? I got a diaper booty.
- What you gonna do for our match? - I think I'm going to light this and say something like And then blow it in your face or something.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
Um, I think instead of being Machu Picchu, I'm gonna be ACCENT.]
a British explorer conquering Machu Picchu.
All right.
You're set.
You're good.
Um, well, the top fits.
- Okay, just wear your leggings.
- Oh, good.
These crystal pantyhose are too damn short.
- Fine! Ditch the pantyhose! - Okay.
I need a character.
Soy sauce in your eye! Chopstick in your nose! - Oh, my God.
Why is she doing that voice? - Isn't that the same voice you do? No, it's not.
It's not the same voice, Sheila.
Okay? She's a white girl doing that voice.
What's your problem.
Are you gonna change or not? I'll be back.
Sheila! You're on in I know! I need a minute! Hai-ya! I'm a ninja! Ya! I fly you like lice! Chinese! Japanese! Elderly, on your knees! Hai-ya! Tammé, what the fuck? Do the move! Doctor Zoya says loudmouth babushka should get her rest.
Ethel, help me! Zoya's just chucked Edna out of the ring.
Bye, old spaniel.
- What's going on? - I don't know.
And the evil empire's prevailed, folks! I can't believe it! We have a winner! Oh, my parents so proud! Oh! Oh! - Hey, what the fuck? - Huh? What's this? Looks like Zoya's turning on her partner.
Shit! And now it's Russia versus China! One, two, three! I can't believe it, folks! Zoya destroys her own partner Mel tion Cookie with a devastating body slam.
Russia takes the crown all for herself.
Wow! Hey, you're taking my one job.
Holy Toledo! Whoa! Cool! Hey, what the fuck do you think you're doing? - Is it not clear? - Uh, Sandy's at the show.
She came tonight, okay? Yeah, she told me she was coming.
I thought this would cheer her up.
What is this? You send useless man without shirt to deliver, what is it, toy crown? - No.
- Is this what Bash Howard budget gets you? In Russia, I have egg more valuable than this.
No wonder no one wants to challenge Zoya.
I'll fight you! - Who said that? - Over here! Sorry.
Little old me.
Where? All I see is plain-toast girl.
Well, you're right about that.
I am a plain girl the Great Plains, that is.
I may be a sweet innocent girl from the heartland of America, who spends most of her days plucking chickens and milking cows, but that doesn't mean I won't make time to kick your Russki ass from sea to shining sea! Oh, disrobing.
Wow.
Is necessary? I I Once I get this skirt off, you're in for it, you! Ha! Here I come.
This is amazing.
Whoo! Ha! Oh, American sweetheart.
Girls like you used for toothpick in Russia.
Well, this American toothpick runs on nothing but meat and wheat from the great state of Nebraska! Oh! She's kicking it off with a dropkick to the diaphragm! Taste my shoe.
I guess she's feeding her some boot! But this Russian's not having any of it.
It looks like it might be over fast, but Oh, wait a minute! - There's a reverse sunset flip! - One! Two! Who knew this American and this Russian knew each other's moves? It's as if they've played each other before! Take this, swine! Oh! Do you like my little slut ukulele? Such a dirty mouth.
I hope my daddy isn't watching! Oh, darling, I'm your daddy now.
Oh, my back! My number one asset when farming.
That back-breaker looked like it hurt! Oh, looks like there's spunk yet in this little American firecracker.
- Yeah.
- Like the patriots at the Alamo, she's not going out without fightin' off the Russians.
Ooh! - Oh! - Whee! Heads-up! Oh, a cazadora, do I see? One! Two! Three! And we have a winner! Unbelievable, folks.
A little lass from Lincoln's lovely homeland defeats Zoya the Destroya! What's your name, sweetie pie? I'm Liberty Belle, and any time evil confronts our borders, I'll be there.
Hold on a second, white lady.
- Oh! - What the Give me that.
What a twist! Literally, it's a helicopter! Oh! - One! Two! Three! - Hey Finally! The crown is mine! Well, why don't you tell us who you are, and why you've done this? Thank you.
I am Welfare Queen, queen of welfare.
Y'all love to hate me, 'cause I'm a black woman who's on welfare to feed her children.
But the crown finally is coming back to the hood.
Don't Okay.
Fuck.
I feel like I'm on acid.
This is what I'm about to do to your face, yo! You ready to get that pretty little face in some dirt, 'cause here's a worm! I will do my ritual prayer before killing American infidel! Baba ganoush! Knick-knack, paddywhack, give a scientist a scone! I'm British! What up, bitches? I'm 50, but I act like I'm 19.
Let's fucking party! And in the other corner is a nun, because why not? Nothing else matters anymore.
And, hey, since it's a tag team match, maybe another wrestler will appear at some point.
Over here, boys! Oh! Good evening.
I'm Liza.
Liza Minnelli.
What? Holy shit.
She better not rip that dress.
But, you know, whatever it takes to win.
That's what Liza would want.
Is that Sheila? If I did my job right, you'll never know.
I've never seen her dressed as a human woman before.
C'mon, Liza, ring them bells! Oh! I have done the sciences, and have come to the conclusion that you will never be as good as your mother! - I'm gonna pray for you! - That's it! Put a scotch into that.
Ow, my spine! My spine! Sinners! Sinners! What a ride! - What - Holy shit.
Look at that crucifix by Reg.
One! Two! Ah-five, six, seven, eight! All right, no book hitting.
Ooh! I've been a bad girl.
Slap me for me.
Ooh! I'm your partner! Oh! Sorry, doll face, I'm plastered.
I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to watch the show.
I know! This was a great idea.
- I love the stage - You have to read the Bible! Please.
Tammé! What You're supposed to be in the You okay? I'm fine.
It's just a muscle spasm.
How long have you been in pain? Around Around this morning How long? Do not lie to me.
It's only four more shows.
Don't worry about me.
I'll I'll make it.
And she's down yet again.
- Wow, what a gripping show tonight, folks.
- That's your cue.
Don't worry about me.
Go get on the zip line.
And now there's only three ladies left in the ring! Let's hope it ends soon.
You guys have a great night! Okay, so your your mom is black? - My mom is black, my dad is mixed.
- Wait, what? You see Justine out there? Yes! She looks so different.
More grown-up, huh? Yeah.
Look, I have an actual thing I have to ask you about.
A favor.
I want you to read something.
- You finished your screenplay.
- Yeah, I did, I did.
- But it's it's not about mine.
It's about Justine's.
- Oh! - Justine wrote a screenplay? - She did.
And I want you to read it and tell me what you think about it, so I I I know I'm not crazy.
Of course.
You know reading's my favorite Vegas pastime.
Okay.
Thank you.
All right.
Just take it in.
- And - Easy.
breathe.
There we go.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I didn't notice.
Don't beat yourself up.
Wine hides a lot of injuries.
I can't believe this is the show that you ended up seeing.
Are you kidding me? It was so cool.
You guys were like, "Fuck the rules.
" It was perfect.
And you look incredible.
Thank you.
Ladies.
I just wanted to say, what a show.
It was like Mr.
Toad's Wild Ride.
You know, we had no idea what was coming next.
Keeping it fresh is a big part of live performance.
Wonderful to see you all doing that for each other.
Well, we we did wanna have some fun since, you know, we're on our way out.
Well, not so fast.
Actually, Sandy, we've got good news.
We would love for GLOW to stay in Vegas for the rest of the year.
I'm so happy.
- From death, new life.
- Mm.
Uh, wait.
So, we're we're we're staying? Mm-hmm.
Did he say the rest of the year? O okay, okay, let's just, uh, slow down on the announcements and celebration here.
We haven't even had a meeting about this.
Actually, Sam, we did have a meeting.
I told you and I told Debbie.
And we don't need a meeting to know I'm the only one who cares - about keeping this show alive.
- No, no, you actually care about jugglers and magicians and whatever fucking shiny-buttoned faux-producer who wants a piece of your time.
You sacrifice absolutely nothing for this show! Okay, Debbie, here's the truth.
Nobody wants to tell you, but here it is.
It's my name on the marquee, not yours, which means it's my show, paid for with my money, which makes this my decision.
And if you don't like it, feel free to get the fuck out.
- Maybe we should move this to my office.
- We don't need to move it anywhere.
Ladies, we'll be extending our run here at the Fan-Tan.
If that doesn't work for you, feel free to go back to Los Angeles.
But GLOW is staying in Vegas.
Cheers.