Grounded For Life (2001) s03e05 Episode Script

Hey, ed.
Hey.
Hey.
What's all this? It's a bunch of my old junk.
I'm having a yard sale here tomorrow.
What, you can't have it at your place? Well, yard sales make the neighborhood look low-class.
You live next to an adult bookstore.
Well, look, um, you know, it starts at 10:00.
I made it very clear in the ad, no early birds.
So if anybody shows up here at 6 a.
M.
, feel free to turn them away.
Uh-huh.
So what time are you getting here? Hey, Mr.
Finnerty.
Brad, put your stuff over there.
Hey, wait.
You're doing this thing, too? Yeah.
Wanted to clear out my room.
Make some space for my new speed bag.
Diggity, diggity, diggity.
Nice.
Yeah, so what are you selling? Ah, Ah, ah, Mr.
Finnerty.
No early birds.
Ok, uncle Eddie.
Here's a bunch of my old clothes.
All right.
You're gonna make a nice dollar.
Cool.
Can you believe I was just gonna waste this stuff at goodwill? Hey, Lily.
I hear your dance squad is doing a Missy Elliot song at halftime tonight.
Ha ha! Brad, you have to stop watching our practices.
We can all see you behind the bleachers.
No, no.
I just I don't think that's me.
Right.
Hey, Lily.
I was wondering.
Maybe tomorrow night, um, after the game, I got a 2-for-1 coupon at mocha jo-Jo's Thanks, Brad, but I'm I'm going out with Dean, my boyfriend.
Oh, right.
You two are still together, huh? You followed us home.
Oh, right.
He got new pants.
Hey, don't sweat it, man.
You know, sometimes if it's meant to be, you just gotta wait You know, hang in there and see what happens.
Thanks, Eddie.
Are you in the mood for a nice mocha maybe? No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this? Lily's bra.
I'm not comfortable with you touching that.
Why? I don't know.
You know, she used to wear this under her white tank-top.
I've only seen the strap until now.
How much? Deal.
You're in a good mood.
Ha! Well, mom, sometimes I forget how gifted I am.
You know, I mean, I can dance.
Let's not kid around about that.
I take it the halftime show went well? It was fantastic.
I was on fire.
The whole crowd loved me.
They were really cheering for me, mom.
These people who have never been exposed to modern dance, I helped them see that there is a world beyond their pathetic lives.
Were you dancing at a refugee camp? Go ahead and Mock, mom.
I'm gonna go practice my moves.
Hey, uncle Eddie, how much do you think I can get for these hockey skates? You don't want to play hockey anymore? No, there's no one to teach me.
Aw, come on, Henry.
I'm gonna teach you.
Come on, dad.
You're not the hockey type.
Sure I am.
Ok, Dad.
Fine.
You are the hockey type.
Give me these.
What's the matter with him? Oh, not much.
He just thinks his old man's a big, fat wuss.
Oh, no, he doesn't.
Sure he does.
How could he not? Ok, what happened? We were driving back from jersey last night, and we got a flat.
Come on! Come on! Come on! It's coming! I can feel her! Come on, you Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on, please.
Come on.
Huh.
Move! Stop! I hope you crash! Because you couldn't fix a flat, that makes you a wuss? No, no.
Just a half-wuss.
I should have never listened to you.
Hey, it worked.
You having trouble, ma'am? Yes, we have a flat tire, and I don't know what to do.
I'll have you fixed up in no time.
Is everybody ok? Yeah, Yeah.
It's just my kids and my grandmother.
We'll have you home in a jiff, granny.
Oh, thank you, young man.
Thank you.
You should have seen the looks on their faces.
Hey, you took care of your family in a moment of crisis.
What's more manlier than that? Not doing it in drag.
Claudia: Hey.
Hey, Jimmy, Henry.
Come here, come here.
Yeah, what is it, dad? Guys, about last night.
Oh, you mean when you dressed up like a girl? Ok, look, I didn't dress up like a girl.
I hid under a blanket, all right? There's a difference.
Hey, no, dad.
I mean, I understand.
Right, See, Henry, all dads are different, you know? Some dads are macho, manly guys, and some dads, well, just aren't.
Oh, come on, man.
I'm manly.
Dad, it's cool, right? You know, maybe we'll actually be better off in the long run with a dad who's gentle and sensitive.
Look, I am not gentle and sensitive, and you will not be better off in the long run.
What? Ok, I mean, I'm sensitive, but not at the expense of my manliness, which is easily my most prominent trait.
Hey, keep your girdle on, grandma.
Oh, that's funny.
That's funny.
We're all having a lot of fun with this.
Oh, Claudia, I see you're interested in the toaster.
Yes, Eddie.
I am interested in the toaster because the toaster is mine.
How often do you actually use that thing? It's still got my toast in it.
Hi! No early birds! Was that my friend Leah? Are you Leah? Yeah.
Do I look like a woman to you? What's up? Oh, not much.
What's up with you, slut? What? Why didn't you tell me? Tell you what? About you and Brad O'Keefe.
What the hell are you talking about? Lily, come on.
The guy's told everybody.
I got next, dogs.
Let me slap on my jordans.
Whoa, what's that? Pretend you did not see that.
Ok.
Because Lily Finnerty would kill me.
That's Lily's bra? Nah, nah, nah.
I said too much already.
I'm doing her.
Yes! Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you tell me? Because it's not True.
But he had your bra.
He must have swiped it out of the goodwill box.
Uh, you know, technically, he bought it.
You knew he had the bra? Yeah, me and every single person in the bleachers last night.
Dude, I cannot believe you hit that, man.
Me neither.
Dude, I saw that Chick's bra.
Me, too.
I thought they were cheering for me.
They were.
Yeah, just not for your dancing.
Keep laughing, Jimmy.
I'll dig your grave right next to Brad's.
I'll go see if I can make change.
Sean, can you break a canadian 50? No.
I'm gonna have to throw something in.
Whoa! Hey, Hey, hey! What are you doing with that? What are you gonna do with it? It's just hanging here.
Put it back! All right, ok.
Ho, whoa.
Whoa, take it down a notch, killer.
You're overcompensating.
Oh, I am? For what? Yeah, for your, uh, symbolic castration, I don't know.
You know what? This was a one-time thing.
I am in No way castrated.
Ok, fine, fine.
Then relax, Sean.
They're kids.
Their little subconsciouses are probably already suppressing it.
Oh, well good for them.
I have no need to suppress it, ok? I'm moving on.
That's the spirit.
Excuse me.
I was wondering No dickering, pal.
Prices are as marked.
Oh, I'm not here to buy anything.
Well, then make me an offer.
No, I'm here to meet Henry finnerty.
What? What are you talking about? He applied for a big brother.
Oh, god.
Get out now! But Henry hasn't met me.
Hey, no, no.
I'm Henry, ok? And you make me really uncomfortable.
So get lost! I just thought that You heard the man.
Come on.
Get lost.
Yeah, go on.
Hey, it's gonna rain later.
Do you wanna buy an umbrella? Where are we going? To the batting cages, so you can see old grandma here knock the crap out of a 90-mile-an-hour fastball, and maybe take a few in the gut just for fun.
What if we get a flat? I'll carry you.
Come on.
Claudia, how much did you want for that porch swing? That's not for sale, all right? Well, you never sit in it.
I like the way it looks, all right? It's homey.
So, what, like 50 bucks? Eddie, did you sell my porch swing?! No.
Hey! Hey, stop! It's not for sale! Brad? Can you come out here, please? Lily? Yeah.
I was hoping maybe you'd come over.
M-me? Yeah.
I I really need to see you.
I'm sorry.
Did I move that chair? How much do you know? You owe me 70 bucks.
What? I only charged her 50.
Yeah, the old lady didn't want to sell it back to me.
I had to sweeten the deal.
Well, you were probably a little too eager.
You know, you have to be willing to walk away.
What's the porch swing doing in here? Oh, I just bought it.
You like it? Oh, Eddie, stop selling our stuff.
Ooh, Dad's getting mad! Better watch out, the dress is coming off! I I take it the batting cages didn't really help your case.
We never even made it to the batting cages.
All right, boys, I'm just gonna go take a Peek at the payroll, so have a seat and a soda, ok? You're gonna need a lot of liquids in you when I teach you how to spit and grab your crotch at the same time.
Wow, I like both those things, but I never put them together before.
Hey, Reggie, a couple of Ginger ales for my boys, huh? Sure thing, Sean.
Hey, what about my beer? You've had enough.
Hey, I'll tell you when I've had enough.
I'm not sure you will.
Just give me another beer! Whoa, Whoa, Hey, Hey, hey.
Is there some kind of problem here? Yeah, there's a problem here.
Your bartender won't get me a beer.
I've got it, Sean.
It's cool.
Come on, guys, let's go.
You guys ready for a little baseball, huh? We'll have you home in a jiff, granny.
Oh, thank you, young man.
Gentle stranger.
Ok, you know what? This is not cool.
Hey, you This is my bar and It's time for you to go.
Yeah? Why don't you go? Look, I don't want things to get ugly, But if ugly's what you're looking for, it's a language I speak very well.
Reggie: Sean, it's ok.
You did not beat that guy up just to impress the kids, did you? Well, in theory, it was sound.
However, in practice Oh, god.
That how it is? Yeah.
Yeah.
Huh? Yeah? Yeah? You want a piece of me? Bring it on, chump! Yeah, chump?! See? My leg! Oh, god! I'm so sorry! Oh, my god! Should I help you slip it on? Just leave me alone and give it back! How about that beer? Whoops.
Disabled people want to be treated equally.
Maybe we should pull their limbs off more often.
Ok, you know, we've both done things we're ashamed of.
Both? What have I done? You moved the chair.
Ohh! Brad, do you know how humiliated I am? People think that I with you! Yecch! I have a boyfriend.
Hello! Dean is my boyfriend.
I didn't say you cheated on him, ok? I I said it ended last summer.
When my passion burned you out.
Ohh! Ok, ok, we're gonna fix this.
You know, we could just sleep together and stop living a lie.
No! Ok, ok, at the next game, when you get up and do your little marching band thing, you are gonna go center court and grab a microphone and say, "I, Brad O'Keefe, am a liar and a virgin!" no! Yes! Lily what makes you think I'm a virgin anyway? Brad, you bought my bra.
I'm a collector.
Thanks to you, everybody thinks that I am not a virgin, so you will do it or I will.
Lily, you don't understand.
Before the bra, my life was hell.
Are your parents gonna be home soon? And she's like, "Yeah, so you better get busy.
" Aah! Dude, that rocks! Yeah, you the Mack, Jack, man.
Boo-ya! Boo-ya! Yeah.
Yeah, O'Keefe, you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah, totally.
Seems to me you've been chasing Lily finnerty for about 3 years now, and you've pretty much gotten nowhere.
Heh, please.
I'm not one to waste my time like that, am I? Ha ha! So what have you done with her? What haven't we done? Liar.
I wish I was a liar.
Why would you wish that? I I guess I don't.
Not really.
The more you open your mouth the more pathetic you get, O'Keefe.
Hey, believe what you want, man.
We do.
You're hot for this Chick and she hates you.
Whatever you guys say.
I wanted to prove that you didn't hate me, and now you do.
It's ironic, I suppose.
Yeah, well, you should have thought about that before.
Hey, do you mind if I make my announcement After my drum solo? That way I can just leave afterwards.
Fine.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, crap! You don't have to do it.
I don't? I don't hate you.
I hate what you did, but I've seen how they treat you and they're idiots.
So I'll let this one slide.
See, that's why I love you.
Ok, stop it.
But I want my bra back.
Oh, yeah, oh, sure.
You're carrying it around with you? Yeah, I didn't want my mom to see it.
Ohh.
Hey, you want to make it even, you can have my underpants.
Seriously? Seriously.
Ok, how about these? And don't you ever do that again! Stop liking it.
All right.
Aaaah! What are you doing? Oh, hey, baby.
Just working on my lats.
Just did a set of 25.
You know, you gotta Crank that thing pretty hard to make it stay.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I cranked as hard as I could.
I guess I just can't Crank as hard as I used to.
You just have to ask my kids I've just gotten soft.
You're going kind of Soft? Yeah, baby.
I should have been able to change that tire.
A couple of years ago I would've had a carful of tools.
I would've got my knuckles bloody, I would have changed that thing in a couple of seconds.
But, now what do I have in the back of my car? You know, I got, uh, dry cleaning, somebody's razor scooter, a box of diaper wipes.
Pssh, we haven't used diaper wipes in, like, 7 years.
I know, I know.
I gotta clean that car out.
The thing is, my my spirit's dying.
I'm I'm like a domesticated animal, you know, who's Who's so used to civilization that he can't survive in the jungle any longer.
Honey.
Sean, come on, you're so overreacting.
What, you think this one stupid little thing is gonna make the boys lose respect for you forever? Well, baby, there's always a day in in a boy's life.
When he doesn't see his dad as his hero anymore.
I mean, I remember the day I saw my dad with his toenails painted.
I thought Eddie did that to him when he was drunk.
Yeah, yeah, But the memory's still burned in my brain.
Ok, you know what? This whole This whole tire thing is just becoming a big deal because you're making it one, all right? You're the adult.
You just tell them what's what.
They'll listen to you.
Don't worry.
Think so? Yes.
I know so, ok? Ok, baby.
Stay out of my nail polish.
All right.
Come on.
Come on! God! These dresses were supposed to go to goodwill, Eddie.
What are those? Car stereos.
You want one? Where did those come from? Japan.
You are using this yard sale to fence stolen goods.
Stolen? I bought these.
Oh, you bought 30 car stereos.
It was an impulse buy.
Boy, did I feel stupid when I got home.
All right, that is it.
Guys, take these dresses back inside.
Eddie, get your crap off our lawn and Get my card tables back down in the basement.
Fair enough.
See to it one of those cd players winds up in the Dash of my subaru.
Can I interest you in one of our extended warranties? Hey, Dad think I should leave these dresses in the car in case another tire Blows? Look, all right, I know you think I'm a wuss, but there are many different ways to be a man.
And and we're all free to be you and me.
And it's all right to cry, ok? And I can walk up those stairs right now and light candles and take a bath and write poetry and listen to yanni.
You know? But I'm not saying I'm going to because I don't like doing all those things, but if I did, it wouldn't make me any less of a man! You got that? God, what a wuss.
I heard that.
You think I'm a wuss? Come on, get your Butts in here.
Come on.
Ok, guys, you think a wuss could chug down a whole bottle of tabasco sauce, huh? You're bluffing.
Oh, you think so? Hey! What what are you doing? Stay out of this.
No, you promised me you would never do this again.
Put that down.
Baby, but I No.
Enough.
Down.
Just down.
You two are ruining years of my hard work.
We didn't tell him to do this.
Do you know how long I worked to make him stop doing stunts like this, stop being a macho jackass? Hey, that's a little unfair.
Oh, really? How'd you get that scar on your hand? Well, I think I was slicing a a You held a lit firecracker in it.
It was a dare.
I suppose it was a dare when you drove Kenny's motorcycle into the pool at the holiday inn.
No, actually, that was my idea.
Wow.
That's pretty cool.
No, it's not cool.
What's cool is when that car broke down, your dad stepped up.
He put on a shawl and he did what it took.
He took care of his wife and his family.
That is what a real man does.
You got it? Yeah.
Yes, mom.
Ok.
Thanks, baby.
Did you hear that? Yeah, dad.
You're not a wuss.
You're just whipped.
Maybe a little.
You really drove a motorcycle into a pool? You better believe it.
Were you wearing a helmet? I wasn't wearing anything.
Come on! Come on, come on, come on come on! Come on.
Dear god.
Move! I hate you! I hate you! It's coming! I can feel her!