Hacks (2021) s03e05 Episode Script
One Day
1
Now I'm gonna have
you step on the scale.
[MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC]
♪
[EARRING CLATTERS]
♪
[OBJECT CLATTERS]
♪
Mm, no, no. Just Wait, wait, wait.
♪
[GRUNTS SOFTLY, SIGHS]
♪
Hmm.
[SNIFFS, SIGHS]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Okay, great.
Nora here is just gonna take some blood,
and then you'll be all set.
You have to do a blood panel?
Uh, it's standard for all physicals.
Well, next time do it
before you weigh me.
I am gonna refer you to an audiologist
because I think you may
have slight presbycusis,
but it's normal to have some
hearing loss at your age.
I'll have you know I
have excellent hearing.
I overheard your nurse in the
waiting room violating HIPAA.
Okay.
And I'm gonna recommend you
get the pneumonia vaccine
since you're over 65.
Well, it's your word against mine.
Have a nice afternoon.
Yeah, tough room.
- What's that?
- Nothing.
Okay.
Now who's hard of hearing?
[STEADY MUSIC]
♪
Ladies, are you just sick to death
of your microwave being so ugly?
Well, we found Betty here,
who has cracked the code.
The House of Vance
microwave skin collection
now lets you use your
microwave to express yourself.
Finally! [LAUGHS]
No longer do you have to
look at an ugly metal box.
For instance, this one
has a gorgeous sunset view
- of the Ponte Vecchio.
- Oh.
A-and don't forget these
little pockets on the side.
Oh, that's right, they have pockets.
- That's how you know it's a boy.
- [LAUGHTER]
And what couldn't you put in there?
Anything larger than 4 by 2.
Uh [CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, Betty, I just think you're a genius.
How did you come up with this idea?
Oh, well, I-I used to be married,
and I always wanted to go to Paris
- Mr. Vaughn.
- Roy.
- Hey.
- What are you doing down here?
Well, I came to see you.
House of Vance sales are fantastic.
- Congratulations.
- We're very happy about it.
With these numbers, I might
have to poach you from Deborah.
You know she owns a gun, Roy.
[LAUGHS] She'd kneecap me in a second.
Oh, please, she would go
straight for the groin.
[CHUCKLES] Still, think about it.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I will.
Next up, we're gonna
change the way you store
your salad dressing forever.
- Yes!
- [BELL RINGS]
Have we heard back from that doctor?
Oh, I think he'll just send the results
- directly to the network.
- Well, I don't trust him.
I don't know why I couldn't
have seen my own doctor.
- He's a pushover.
- Huh. Okay.
Well, you know, this is good.
The fact that they had you
do an insurance physical
means they're serious about you.
Apparently it's down to you, Jack Danby,
and some guy who won the X Games?
I doubt he's funny.
Well, they better have made
those guys take physicals, too,
or we're gonna have a
big lawsuit on our hands.
Yeah, you know what? I'm
gonna go ahead and say
I think it's wise to not sue the network
you're hoping will hire you.
- Fine.
- Look, this is all good.
And you emceeing the charity
event for the affiliates
is a genius way to curry favor.
- Just focus on that.
- Yeah.
No, you're right. No,
I have to kill there.
I have some time now, so Ava
and I are gonna work on it.
Ava and Deborah, my two gorgeous girls.
I think it's okay to say that, right?
Goodbye, Jimmy.
Y-you're hanging up because
you have to go, right?
Not because I said the
"gorgeous girls" thing?
- [LINE BEEPS]
- Hello? Deborah?
Fine. Everything's good.
Okay, what do 50-year-old
men who own TV stations
who you need to charm
so that they'll give you
a late-night TV show find funny?
I don't know.
What the hell are you doing?
This is how I sip now. Don't start.
I don't like it, but, you know,
I found out I've been doing
it wrong all these years.
The traditional pedestrian
sip causes lip lines.
- Mm.
- Watch.
See?
All that crinkling leads to wrinkling.
Uh-huh.
You got to make your
upper lip almost disappear.
That's how you know you're
doing it right look.
Yeah, wrinkles are unattractive.
Definitely keep doing it like that.
[MUFFLED] I will.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Oh, my God.
What's the matter?
Apparently Ruby packed up all my stuff,
- wants to know where to send it.
- Have her throw it away.
My stuff? No.
I just want her to put
it in boxes in the garage.
Sending it somewhere seems so final.
[SIGHS] Can we get
back to writing jokes?
Sorry.
I'll be funny now.
Hey, look, I have writer's block,
you have manic depression.
How about we, uh, I don't
know, take a walk or something?
You know, change of
scenery, move our bodies.
Yes. I love that idea.
There are so many amazing
trails around here.
Uh, no, I was thinking
of more like a walk
- around an outlet mall with a Gucci.
- No, please.
We're in the middle of
gorgeous Pennsylvania forestry.
It's like "Twilight" out
there. Kristen Stewart.
Unless you can't handle a hike.
Let's do it.
Yeah! I get to wear my thick socks.
Yippee.
[WHISTLING]
Okay.
So there's a trail that
we could do that's a loop,
but it's saying it's about 90 minutes.
- That's fine.
- Okay.
Oh, no, this is a super-casual forest.
- You don't need to wear gloves.
- Ha.
They're sun-protection
gloves, UPF of 50-plus.
The hands never lie.
Only part of your body
you can't help surgically.
There's no such thing as a hand job.
My eighth-grade boyfriend, Brendan Otis,
would beg to differ. [LAUGHS]
- Ew.
- Ugh.
It's too young, in retrospect.
Happened on a trampoline.
- Disgusting.
- Okay, stop.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
[SIGHS] God, I'm already
feeling so much better.
After a major life
event, it is so healing
to commune with nature,
listen to what the old gal has to say.
Major life even
Oh, you mean that girl?
Yeah. She was my long-term partner.
Long-term partner.
You make it sound like you drove her
- to dialysis appointments.
- [LAUGHS]
Wait, why do you even want
to be in a relationship?
Um, probably 'cause they're
the basic building blocks
of human connection.
I'm serious. You're 27 years old.
This is the time to focus on you.
Okay. Sure, but I can do both.
No, when you're in a relationship,
you make decisions for the two of you.
And it's hard enough to
make it in this business.
You got to concentrate
on what's best for you.
You know, just, you
know, buy a vibrator.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
Hilarious that you think
I don't have a vibrator.
Plus, it's not like I just choose
not to want a relationship.
I've always wanted one.
I mean, have you never
considered getting remarried?
I had a husband.
And he's in hell.
Yeah, that's why I said remarried.
Seriously, who's, like, your dream man?
Hmm.
The work ethic of John Rockefeller
in the body of James Gandolfini.
[LAUGHS] Absolutely nuts.
No, I-I'm never gonna get remarried.
I don't want to have to make
room in the fridge for tapioca
or whatever the hell old men eat.
Okay.
- Don't you ever get lonely?
- No.
Oh.
Maybe sometimes when I
open a bottle of Krug.
You know, can't recork champagne.
Hmm.
Oh. Oh.
I got to scan these mushrooms.
What?
You're gonna scan a mushroom?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Yeah.
Recently got into foraging
well, the idea of it.
Haven't actually done it yet until now.
Maiden voyage.
It's, uh oh, inconclusive.
Got to get a better angle.
No.
No.
Were you brought up in a barn?
It's a chanterelle.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Yeah.
Chanterelle.
Awesome.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Oh, sick.
Perfect walking stick.
Oh.
All right, let's see.
So one of the Florida affiliates
is originally from London.
So maybe some London-based
humor, though I've never been.
- So I don't know.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You've never been to London?
- No.
I've actually never been
outside of the country
well, besides Montreal.
And I was supposed to go to Iceland,
but that didn't end up happening.
But you've been to Paris?
No, again, out of the
country would include Paris.
Oh, my God.
You've never had real bread.
I feel like I have.
- No, you haven't.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God, you have to go to Paris.
And Venice.
You haven't lived till you've
seen the canals of Venice.
Saw the Ponte Vecchio on
a microwave this morning.
- Sold out.
- Whoa.
Hang on, sorry, this can't be right.
Let me just check something.
Um
I'm a little confused by the trail map.
Are we supposed to go down this
ravine and cross the stream?
Maybe we should turn around.
Oh, you mean maybe I should turn around?
No, that is not what I mean.
But, I mean, come on,
it's so steep we can't.
If this is the trail, let's follow it.
All right, at least
take the walking stick.
Ah, ah. Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- Okay.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh! Ah!
- Oh, shit. Fuck.
- Oh, shit.
- Ow.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Come on. Here, I got you.
- [GROANS]
- [GRUNTS] Holy shit.
Okay, okay, okay.
- Oh.
- Okay, come on.
- [GROANS]
- Okay, let's get you down.
- [YELLS]
- Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- I heard a pop.
Yeah, so did I, which means
my hearing is just fine.
We should turn around, get you help.
We've been walking for an hour.
If it's a loop, it'll be
closer If we just keep going.
I guess. Let me see where we are.
- I got to keep moving.
- No.
- Well, take my hand at least.
- I don't need your hand!
[GASPS] Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit.
Oh. Oh.
- Careful. God.
- Fuck.
- Oh, my God.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
Okay, what are we gonna do?
We should put it in rice.
Rice? Where are we gonna find rice?
How the hell should I know?
You're the one who
always has food on her.
Oh, fuck, it's dead.
Okay, give me your phone.
I'll pull up the map on yours.
I don't have my phone.
- What?
- Where would I have my phone?
- I don't have a purse.
- Your pockets.
I don't put anything in my pockets.
- It ruins my lines.
- It ruins your lines?
Oh, my God, so we're stranded
in the middle of the
woods without phones?
- And whose fault is that?
- It was your idea.
[MOCKINGLY] Let's get
out, move our bodies.
- That's you.
- I suggested a mall!
This wouldn't have happened
at the King of Prussia.
And if it did, there
would've been an Apple store!
Okay! Okay.
Let's just finish and
get you to the car.
Come on.
- Ow.
- Here, take that.
Okay, come on.
[GRUNTING]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
I-I-I-I need a break.
- Okay. Okay.
- Well, here. Just
All right, let's just get you down.
[GRUNTING]
- You good?
- I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
- Okay?
- I'm good. I got it. I got it.
- Okay.
- [BOTH SIGHING]
[SMACKS LIPS]
I think we should make you a splint.
You can't tie a simple double Windsor.
How are you gonna make a splint?
No, but I did go to gymnastics camp.
And I was really bad
after I got my period,
so I spent a lot of time
sitting next to the team doctor,
and, yeah, I picked up a couple things.
Maybe I should just let
birds peck at my body
until I'm completely gone.
Oh, yeah, this is good.
Ooh.
Okay.
- [GROANS]
- Sorry.
- Ow!
- Sorry, sorry.
- Damn it.
- Sorry.
Look, I know it hurts right
now, but it's gonna be okay.
You know, it's maybe a sprain.
Worst case, you'll have to wear,
- like, a boot or something.
- A boot?
Oh, clomp around like I
lost a ski fantastic.
[SCOFFS] A boot is not that bad.
Yeah, well, me wearing a boot
is different than you wearing a boot.
- 'Cause of paparazzi?
- No.
Me wearing a boot, I look old and frail.
Same as wearing a
hearing aid or whatever.
I'm not gonna do that.
Well, yeah, but it's okay
if you need those things, though, right?
I mean, it's perfectly natural
for you not to be able to do
all the things you used to.
But that's the thing I still
feel like I can do everything.
I don't feel my age.
Then I look in the mirror,
and I don't recognize myself.
Well, you do redo your face a lot.
I don't redo, I refresh.
The whole goal is to keep it the same
'cause I feel the same.
I feel like a 30-year-old
who can't read the menu
without a flashlight.
Okay.
You should be good to go.
You're no Ferragamo, but it'll do.
[GROANING]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[LAUGHING]
Sorry.
Oh, God.
Okay. All right.
Onward.
[SIGHS]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[GROANS]
♪
- Ow!
- Sorry.
Crap. Shit.
You're fine. You're fine.
Are we almost there?
This this can't be right.
I think it is.
Hang on, let me just
let's just get you stable.
- Let me park you right here.
- Ah.
Okay, okay. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Um
you know what?
I'm gonna climb this tree,
see if I can get a better view
of the parking lot or
the road or something.
- Uh
- You don't think it's safe?
No, it's just you've
never given me nimble.
You know what?
Watch this.
Okay, here we go.
[GRUNTING] Ooh.
It's always more firm than
you think it's gonna be.
Ooh. Okay.
Not so fast. Not so fast.
Just
[GRUNTING]
- Okay.
- Ugh.
Ah
[SIGHS]
I can't see anything. I
think I got to get higher.
Be careful.
[SCOFFS] It's fine.
- Oh.
- It's fine.
[INSECT BUZZING]
- There's a there's a bee.
- Ah.
Get out of here.
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh! Oh, God!
- Oh, God, are you okay?
- Ow. Fuck.
- What happened?
- Oh, I got stung by a bee.
Oh, where? Where?
Oh, let me see.
Oh, yeah. He got you.
She. Male bees don't sting.
- Oh, honey, give it a rest.
- [GROANS]
Yeah, I think we should keep moving.
Yeah, come on, let's
let's walk it off.
- [GRUNTS] Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
♪
- Does it hurt?
- Ah, yeah.
But I don't blame the bee, though.
Oh, good.
- This is their world.
We're pushing them out.
I mean, they're going
extinct because of us.
- Actually, I deserved it.
- Agreed.
Bees are not going extinct.
Yes, they are.
Climate change is literally
wreaking havoc on their ecosystem.
The Earth is a billion years old.
It just self-corrects for
any damage that's done to it.
No, we're destroying the planet.
It's a proven fact.
Trust me, we're fine.
Um, think I'll trust the thousands
and thousands of scientists
over you on this one, but thanks.
Oh, sure. Trust a bunch of men over me.
Oh, my God, you are being sexist
while accusing me of being sexist.
Did you know that wildlife populations
have diminished 70% since 1970?
I don't buy that, I'm
sorry. I always see animals.
The problem is, there's too many people.
I remember a day when you
could walk down Fifth Avenue
from the Plaza to Cartier and see 10,
maybe 12 people, tops.
Now it's a shit show.
Believe me, no one's
going extinct anytime soon.
People like having sex too much.
You got nothing to worry about.
Why why won't you admit
that this is a problem?
[SIGHS]
Look, even if what you say is true,
what can any one person do about it?
Well, you're right.
Your average person can't do as much
as corporations or governments.
There you go. Case closed.
Um, I said average person.
You're one of the biggest
climate criminals I know.
Your carbon footprint is huge.
Well, not as big as
your carbon handprint.
Hey, we had an agreement.
I'm handicapped now. I have more rights.
- Okay, you know what?
Joke all you want.
But you drive cars that are inefficient.
You take a private jet everywhere.
- Not everywhere.
- All the stuff that you sell on QVC,
it's all plastic and fast fashion.
Polyester doesn't degrade.
It's made from oil.
Okay, Forever 21 is basically Exxon.
Zara BP.
Listen, I'm not saying you're wrong.
It's just that young people are just
so much more dramatic about everything.
When you live long
enough, you realize things
don't change that drastically.
Okay, think of it this way
when you play a comedy club,
you don't do the shitty
material at the end of your set
and leave the crowd cold out
of respect for the comedian
- following you, right?
- Of course not.
Okay, so maybe think
of the Earth that way.
Neither one of us is gonna have a future
if we don't get the
he hell out of here.
[GRUNTS] It's gonna be dark soon.
[WINCES, GROANS]
I think I should go ahead and find help.
No. D-don't leave me.
Okay, I won't.
I-I can keep going.
Let's let's go.
[SERIOUS MUSIC]
[GRUNTING]
[BIRD TWEETS]
Oh, it's so steep.
Yeah, well, remember in the
beginning, we were going down?
- Yeah?
- Well, this must be the end
'cause we're going up.
We got it.
Oh, shit.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
- Fuck!
- Shit. It's not a loop.
We've just been walking deeper
and deeper into the woods.
God damn it!
[SIGHS]
I think we should start
thinking about making shelter.
Making shelter?
I'm not gonna sleep out here!
Besides, I have to be
at QVC in three hours.
We're rolling out new infinity scarves.
Literally nothing could
sound less urgent to me.
They come with matching beanies.
- Okay.
- [SIGHS] Look
we're gonna hear the search
helicopter any second.
I'm worth way too much money
for them to not come and look for me.
How are they gonna find us?
We didn't tell anyone
where we were going.
Oh. Right.
Look, it's gonna be,
like, 30 degrees tonight.
So, if you're really
against the shelter plan,
then we need to get serious
about finding some help.
Help!
BOTH: Help!
Help!
- Somebody, please help!
- Help!
[GASPS] Wait, I know
why it's not working.
- I-I read this study.
- Not now, Ava.
No, it's relevant. I promise, okay?
It was about emergency response.
It said people are less
likely to help someone
if they hear them yelling "help."
Oh, that's right.
You're you're supposed
to yell "fire," right?
No, no, no, you're supposed to yell,
"Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you."
We're gonna die out here.
No, it's because if people
hear a woman screaming help,
they think she's in a domestic
dispute with her husband
'cause he won't let her have
a credit card or something,
so they don't do anything.
That's why you got to yell,
"Why are you doing this to me?
I don't even know you."
That's ridiculous.
BOTH: Why are you doing this to me?
I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
[DISTANT ANIMAL HOWLING]
Okay.
Let's make a fire.
Yeah.
♪
[GRUNTS]
So ironic that you can't make a fire.
Ah, now this would make
a great late-night story.
It's not happening.
[SIGHS] You know, this is
the first time I've missed
my skin-care regimen since
the Bush administration.
I'm talking H.W.
I'm so sorry I made us come
out here and then got us lost.
We should have just gone to the mall.
I could've could've
gotten Auntie Anne's.
Oh, I shouldn't have
been so hard on you.
It's not your fault my
stupid body broke down.
Come on, you're in great shape.
Say it.
"For a woman your age."
[SIGHS]
You know, your whole life
you say, "One day."
You know, "One day, I'll do this.
One day, I'll accomplish that."
And the magic of "one day"
is that it's all ahead of you.
But for me, "one day" is now.
Anything I want to do,
I have to do now
or else I'll never do it.
That's the worst part of getting older.
I believe you told
me that the worst part
about getting older
is the collagen loss.
- That too.
- [CHUCKLES]
The best part of being young
is that you don't have
to savor everything.
You don't even have to
consider it, you know.
Eat that candy bar.
Sleep in on Saturday morning.
Or have a breakup.
It's not the end of the world.
It's just the beginning.
That's the ultimate luxury
not having to suck the
marrow out of every day.
Just toss the bones,
not even make a soup.
- Sorry, I'm really hungry.
- [CHUCKLES]
[RUSTLING]
- What was that?
- Was that an animal?
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
BOTH: Why are you doing this to me?
I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
[ENGINES RUMBLING]
Are you guys okay?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[AMERICA'S "LONELY PEOPLE"]
Oh, my God.
- Yeah, we are.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh.
We're alive. We're alive.
This is for all the lonely people ♪
♪
Thinking that life
has passed them by ♪
♪
Don't give up until you ♪
Drink from the silver cup ♪
Never take you down ♪
Or never give you up ♪
Never know until you try ♪
- Okay.
- Oh.
I got you. I got you.
- Oh. Oh.
- I got you. I got you.
- [GRUNTS]
- Careful.
- Careful. Okay.
- [GRUNTING]
Okay. Okay.
Oh, wait, wait.
Boys, I-I can't thank you enough.
And to show you my gratitude,
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna build an in-home QVC studio
so that I do not have to depend
so much on my private jet.
[CLEARS THROAT]
And I'm gonna transition half of
my portfolio into green stocks.
And?
And install solar panels,
even though it's going
to ruin the roofline.
Okay.
Ask her.
Oh, could you also buy us Mike's Hard?
Whatever you want. I owe you.
Sick.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Come on.
Nice to meet you guys.
- Take care.
- Nice to meet you.
Got it?
No, you know what? I'm driving.
Okay.
- Let's get you around.
- Okay. Ah.
You know, it's like
when you say goodbye,
and then you're not
leaving it's crazy.
- [GROANS]
- Okay, get in the car.
Okay.
Or s-should we follow you
for the Mike's Hard stuff?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Got her?
God, there you are.
Holy shit, are you are you okay?
I have to sell infinity scarves.
Okay, what happened?
We took a walk.
She looks rough.
I heard that!
What the fuck? Uh, can
we get a medic, please?
[RINGO STARR'S "IT DON'T COME EASY"]
You shouldn't use plastic.
It don't come easy ♪
You know it don't come easy ♪
It don't come easy ♪
You know it don't come easy ♪
Gotta pay your dues if
you wanna sing the blues ♪
And you know it don't come easy ♪
You don't have to
shout or leap about ♪
You can even play them easy ♪
Forget about the past ♪
And hold your sorrow ♪
♪
The future won't last ♪
It will soon be your tomorrow ♪
I don't ask for much,
I only want trust ♪
And you know it don't come easy ♪
And this love of mine
keeps growing all the time ♪
And you know it don't come easy ♪
♪
Now I'm gonna have
you step on the scale.
[MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC]
♪
[EARRING CLATTERS]
♪
[OBJECT CLATTERS]
♪
Mm, no, no. Just Wait, wait, wait.
♪
[GRUNTS SOFTLY, SIGHS]
♪
Hmm.
[SNIFFS, SIGHS]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Okay, great.
Nora here is just gonna take some blood,
and then you'll be all set.
You have to do a blood panel?
Uh, it's standard for all physicals.
Well, next time do it
before you weigh me.
I am gonna refer you to an audiologist
because I think you may
have slight presbycusis,
but it's normal to have some
hearing loss at your age.
I'll have you know I
have excellent hearing.
I overheard your nurse in the
waiting room violating HIPAA.
Okay.
And I'm gonna recommend you
get the pneumonia vaccine
since you're over 65.
Well, it's your word against mine.
Have a nice afternoon.
Yeah, tough room.
- What's that?
- Nothing.
Okay.
Now who's hard of hearing?
[STEADY MUSIC]
♪
Ladies, are you just sick to death
of your microwave being so ugly?
Well, we found Betty here,
who has cracked the code.
The House of Vance
microwave skin collection
now lets you use your
microwave to express yourself.
Finally! [LAUGHS]
No longer do you have to
look at an ugly metal box.
For instance, this one
has a gorgeous sunset view
- of the Ponte Vecchio.
- Oh.
A-and don't forget these
little pockets on the side.
Oh, that's right, they have pockets.
- That's how you know it's a boy.
- [LAUGHTER]
And what couldn't you put in there?
Anything larger than 4 by 2.
Uh [CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, Betty, I just think you're a genius.
How did you come up with this idea?
Oh, well, I-I used to be married,
and I always wanted to go to Paris
- Mr. Vaughn.
- Roy.
- Hey.
- What are you doing down here?
Well, I came to see you.
House of Vance sales are fantastic.
- Congratulations.
- We're very happy about it.
With these numbers, I might
have to poach you from Deborah.
You know she owns a gun, Roy.
[LAUGHS] She'd kneecap me in a second.
Oh, please, she would go
straight for the groin.
[CHUCKLES] Still, think about it.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I will.
Next up, we're gonna
change the way you store
your salad dressing forever.
- Yes!
- [BELL RINGS]
Have we heard back from that doctor?
Oh, I think he'll just send the results
- directly to the network.
- Well, I don't trust him.
I don't know why I couldn't
have seen my own doctor.
- He's a pushover.
- Huh. Okay.
Well, you know, this is good.
The fact that they had you
do an insurance physical
means they're serious about you.
Apparently it's down to you, Jack Danby,
and some guy who won the X Games?
I doubt he's funny.
Well, they better have made
those guys take physicals, too,
or we're gonna have a
big lawsuit on our hands.
Yeah, you know what? I'm
gonna go ahead and say
I think it's wise to not sue the network
you're hoping will hire you.
- Fine.
- Look, this is all good.
And you emceeing the charity
event for the affiliates
is a genius way to curry favor.
- Just focus on that.
- Yeah.
No, you're right. No,
I have to kill there.
I have some time now, so Ava
and I are gonna work on it.
Ava and Deborah, my two gorgeous girls.
I think it's okay to say that, right?
Goodbye, Jimmy.
Y-you're hanging up because
you have to go, right?
Not because I said the
"gorgeous girls" thing?
- [LINE BEEPS]
- Hello? Deborah?
Fine. Everything's good.
Okay, what do 50-year-old
men who own TV stations
who you need to charm
so that they'll give you
a late-night TV show find funny?
I don't know.
What the hell are you doing?
This is how I sip now. Don't start.
I don't like it, but, you know,
I found out I've been doing
it wrong all these years.
The traditional pedestrian
sip causes lip lines.
- Mm.
- Watch.
See?
All that crinkling leads to wrinkling.
Uh-huh.
You got to make your
upper lip almost disappear.
That's how you know you're
doing it right look.
Yeah, wrinkles are unattractive.
Definitely keep doing it like that.
[MUFFLED] I will.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Oh, my God.
What's the matter?
Apparently Ruby packed up all my stuff,
- wants to know where to send it.
- Have her throw it away.
My stuff? No.
I just want her to put
it in boxes in the garage.
Sending it somewhere seems so final.
[SIGHS] Can we get
back to writing jokes?
Sorry.
I'll be funny now.
Hey, look, I have writer's block,
you have manic depression.
How about we, uh, I don't
know, take a walk or something?
You know, change of
scenery, move our bodies.
Yes. I love that idea.
There are so many amazing
trails around here.
Uh, no, I was thinking
of more like a walk
- around an outlet mall with a Gucci.
- No, please.
We're in the middle of
gorgeous Pennsylvania forestry.
It's like "Twilight" out
there. Kristen Stewart.
Unless you can't handle a hike.
Let's do it.
Yeah! I get to wear my thick socks.
Yippee.
[WHISTLING]
Okay.
So there's a trail that
we could do that's a loop,
but it's saying it's about 90 minutes.
- That's fine.
- Okay.
Oh, no, this is a super-casual forest.
- You don't need to wear gloves.
- Ha.
They're sun-protection
gloves, UPF of 50-plus.
The hands never lie.
Only part of your body
you can't help surgically.
There's no such thing as a hand job.
My eighth-grade boyfriend, Brendan Otis,
would beg to differ. [LAUGHS]
- Ew.
- Ugh.
It's too young, in retrospect.
Happened on a trampoline.
- Disgusting.
- Okay, stop.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
[SIGHS] God, I'm already
feeling so much better.
After a major life
event, it is so healing
to commune with nature,
listen to what the old gal has to say.
Major life even
Oh, you mean that girl?
Yeah. She was my long-term partner.
Long-term partner.
You make it sound like you drove her
- to dialysis appointments.
- [LAUGHS]
Wait, why do you even want
to be in a relationship?
Um, probably 'cause they're
the basic building blocks
of human connection.
I'm serious. You're 27 years old.
This is the time to focus on you.
Okay. Sure, but I can do both.
No, when you're in a relationship,
you make decisions for the two of you.
And it's hard enough to
make it in this business.
You got to concentrate
on what's best for you.
You know, just, you
know, buy a vibrator.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
Hilarious that you think
I don't have a vibrator.
Plus, it's not like I just choose
not to want a relationship.
I've always wanted one.
I mean, have you never
considered getting remarried?
I had a husband.
And he's in hell.
Yeah, that's why I said remarried.
Seriously, who's, like, your dream man?
Hmm.
The work ethic of John Rockefeller
in the body of James Gandolfini.
[LAUGHS] Absolutely nuts.
No, I-I'm never gonna get remarried.
I don't want to have to make
room in the fridge for tapioca
or whatever the hell old men eat.
Okay.
- Don't you ever get lonely?
- No.
Oh.
Maybe sometimes when I
open a bottle of Krug.
You know, can't recork champagne.
Hmm.
Oh. Oh.
I got to scan these mushrooms.
What?
You're gonna scan a mushroom?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Yeah.
Recently got into foraging
well, the idea of it.
Haven't actually done it yet until now.
Maiden voyage.
It's, uh oh, inconclusive.
Got to get a better angle.
No.
No.
Were you brought up in a barn?
It's a chanterelle.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Yeah.
Chanterelle.
Awesome.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Oh, sick.
Perfect walking stick.
Oh.
All right, let's see.
So one of the Florida affiliates
is originally from London.
So maybe some London-based
humor, though I've never been.
- So I don't know.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You've never been to London?
- No.
I've actually never been
outside of the country
well, besides Montreal.
And I was supposed to go to Iceland,
but that didn't end up happening.
But you've been to Paris?
No, again, out of the
country would include Paris.
Oh, my God.
You've never had real bread.
I feel like I have.
- No, you haven't.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God, you have to go to Paris.
And Venice.
You haven't lived till you've
seen the canals of Venice.
Saw the Ponte Vecchio on
a microwave this morning.
- Sold out.
- Whoa.
Hang on, sorry, this can't be right.
Let me just check something.
Um
I'm a little confused by the trail map.
Are we supposed to go down this
ravine and cross the stream?
Maybe we should turn around.
Oh, you mean maybe I should turn around?
No, that is not what I mean.
But, I mean, come on,
it's so steep we can't.
If this is the trail, let's follow it.
All right, at least
take the walking stick.
Ah, ah. Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- Okay.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh! Ah!
- Oh, shit. Fuck.
- Oh, shit.
- Ow.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Come on. Here, I got you.
- [GROANS]
- [GRUNTS] Holy shit.
Okay, okay, okay.
- Oh.
- Okay, come on.
- [GROANS]
- Okay, let's get you down.
- [YELLS]
- Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- I heard a pop.
Yeah, so did I, which means
my hearing is just fine.
We should turn around, get you help.
We've been walking for an hour.
If it's a loop, it'll be
closer If we just keep going.
I guess. Let me see where we are.
- I got to keep moving.
- No.
- Well, take my hand at least.
- I don't need your hand!
[GASPS] Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit.
Oh. Oh.
- Careful. God.
- Fuck.
- Oh, my God.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
Okay, what are we gonna do?
We should put it in rice.
Rice? Where are we gonna find rice?
How the hell should I know?
You're the one who
always has food on her.
Oh, fuck, it's dead.
Okay, give me your phone.
I'll pull up the map on yours.
I don't have my phone.
- What?
- Where would I have my phone?
- I don't have a purse.
- Your pockets.
I don't put anything in my pockets.
- It ruins my lines.
- It ruins your lines?
Oh, my God, so we're stranded
in the middle of the
woods without phones?
- And whose fault is that?
- It was your idea.
[MOCKINGLY] Let's get
out, move our bodies.
- That's you.
- I suggested a mall!
This wouldn't have happened
at the King of Prussia.
And if it did, there
would've been an Apple store!
Okay! Okay.
Let's just finish and
get you to the car.
Come on.
- Ow.
- Here, take that.
Okay, come on.
[GRUNTING]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
I-I-I-I need a break.
- Okay. Okay.
- Well, here. Just
All right, let's just get you down.
[GRUNTING]
- You good?
- I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
- Okay?
- I'm good. I got it. I got it.
- Okay.
- [BOTH SIGHING]
[SMACKS LIPS]
I think we should make you a splint.
You can't tie a simple double Windsor.
How are you gonna make a splint?
No, but I did go to gymnastics camp.
And I was really bad
after I got my period,
so I spent a lot of time
sitting next to the team doctor,
and, yeah, I picked up a couple things.
Maybe I should just let
birds peck at my body
until I'm completely gone.
Oh, yeah, this is good.
Ooh.
Okay.
- [GROANS]
- Sorry.
- Ow!
- Sorry, sorry.
- Damn it.
- Sorry.
Look, I know it hurts right
now, but it's gonna be okay.
You know, it's maybe a sprain.
Worst case, you'll have to wear,
- like, a boot or something.
- A boot?
Oh, clomp around like I
lost a ski fantastic.
[SCOFFS] A boot is not that bad.
Yeah, well, me wearing a boot
is different than you wearing a boot.
- 'Cause of paparazzi?
- No.
Me wearing a boot, I look old and frail.
Same as wearing a
hearing aid or whatever.
I'm not gonna do that.
Well, yeah, but it's okay
if you need those things, though, right?
I mean, it's perfectly natural
for you not to be able to do
all the things you used to.
But that's the thing I still
feel like I can do everything.
I don't feel my age.
Then I look in the mirror,
and I don't recognize myself.
Well, you do redo your face a lot.
I don't redo, I refresh.
The whole goal is to keep it the same
'cause I feel the same.
I feel like a 30-year-old
who can't read the menu
without a flashlight.
Okay.
You should be good to go.
You're no Ferragamo, but it'll do.
[GROANING]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[LAUGHING]
Sorry.
Oh, God.
Okay. All right.
Onward.
[SIGHS]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[GROANS]
♪
- Ow!
- Sorry.
Crap. Shit.
You're fine. You're fine.
Are we almost there?
This this can't be right.
I think it is.
Hang on, let me just
let's just get you stable.
- Let me park you right here.
- Ah.
Okay, okay. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Um
you know what?
I'm gonna climb this tree,
see if I can get a better view
of the parking lot or
the road or something.
- Uh
- You don't think it's safe?
No, it's just you've
never given me nimble.
You know what?
Watch this.
Okay, here we go.
[GRUNTING] Ooh.
It's always more firm than
you think it's gonna be.
Ooh. Okay.
Not so fast. Not so fast.
Just
[GRUNTING]
- Okay.
- Ugh.
Ah
[SIGHS]
I can't see anything. I
think I got to get higher.
Be careful.
[SCOFFS] It's fine.
- Oh.
- It's fine.
[INSECT BUZZING]
- There's a there's a bee.
- Ah.
Get out of here.
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh! Oh, God!
- Oh, God, are you okay?
- Ow. Fuck.
- What happened?
- Oh, I got stung by a bee.
Oh, where? Where?
Oh, let me see.
Oh, yeah. He got you.
She. Male bees don't sting.
- Oh, honey, give it a rest.
- [GROANS]
Yeah, I think we should keep moving.
Yeah, come on, let's
let's walk it off.
- [GRUNTS] Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
♪
- Does it hurt?
- Ah, yeah.
But I don't blame the bee, though.
Oh, good.
- This is their world.
We're pushing them out.
I mean, they're going
extinct because of us.
- Actually, I deserved it.
- Agreed.
Bees are not going extinct.
Yes, they are.
Climate change is literally
wreaking havoc on their ecosystem.
The Earth is a billion years old.
It just self-corrects for
any damage that's done to it.
No, we're destroying the planet.
It's a proven fact.
Trust me, we're fine.
Um, think I'll trust the thousands
and thousands of scientists
over you on this one, but thanks.
Oh, sure. Trust a bunch of men over me.
Oh, my God, you are being sexist
while accusing me of being sexist.
Did you know that wildlife populations
have diminished 70% since 1970?
I don't buy that, I'm
sorry. I always see animals.
The problem is, there's too many people.
I remember a day when you
could walk down Fifth Avenue
from the Plaza to Cartier and see 10,
maybe 12 people, tops.
Now it's a shit show.
Believe me, no one's
going extinct anytime soon.
People like having sex too much.
You got nothing to worry about.
Why why won't you admit
that this is a problem?
[SIGHS]
Look, even if what you say is true,
what can any one person do about it?
Well, you're right.
Your average person can't do as much
as corporations or governments.
There you go. Case closed.
Um, I said average person.
You're one of the biggest
climate criminals I know.
Your carbon footprint is huge.
Well, not as big as
your carbon handprint.
Hey, we had an agreement.
I'm handicapped now. I have more rights.
- Okay, you know what?
Joke all you want.
But you drive cars that are inefficient.
You take a private jet everywhere.
- Not everywhere.
- All the stuff that you sell on QVC,
it's all plastic and fast fashion.
Polyester doesn't degrade.
It's made from oil.
Okay, Forever 21 is basically Exxon.
Zara BP.
Listen, I'm not saying you're wrong.
It's just that young people are just
so much more dramatic about everything.
When you live long
enough, you realize things
don't change that drastically.
Okay, think of it this way
when you play a comedy club,
you don't do the shitty
material at the end of your set
and leave the crowd cold out
of respect for the comedian
- following you, right?
- Of course not.
Okay, so maybe think
of the Earth that way.
Neither one of us is gonna have a future
if we don't get the
he hell out of here.
[GRUNTS] It's gonna be dark soon.
[WINCES, GROANS]
I think I should go ahead and find help.
No. D-don't leave me.
Okay, I won't.
I-I can keep going.
Let's let's go.
[SERIOUS MUSIC]
[GRUNTING]
[BIRD TWEETS]
Oh, it's so steep.
Yeah, well, remember in the
beginning, we were going down?
- Yeah?
- Well, this must be the end
'cause we're going up.
We got it.
Oh, shit.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
- Fuck!
- Shit. It's not a loop.
We've just been walking deeper
and deeper into the woods.
God damn it!
[SIGHS]
I think we should start
thinking about making shelter.
Making shelter?
I'm not gonna sleep out here!
Besides, I have to be
at QVC in three hours.
We're rolling out new infinity scarves.
Literally nothing could
sound less urgent to me.
They come with matching beanies.
- Okay.
- [SIGHS] Look
we're gonna hear the search
helicopter any second.
I'm worth way too much money
for them to not come and look for me.
How are they gonna find us?
We didn't tell anyone
where we were going.
Oh. Right.
Look, it's gonna be,
like, 30 degrees tonight.
So, if you're really
against the shelter plan,
then we need to get serious
about finding some help.
Help!
BOTH: Help!
Help!
- Somebody, please help!
- Help!
[GASPS] Wait, I know
why it's not working.
- I-I read this study.
- Not now, Ava.
No, it's relevant. I promise, okay?
It was about emergency response.
It said people are less
likely to help someone
if they hear them yelling "help."
Oh, that's right.
You're you're supposed
to yell "fire," right?
No, no, no, you're supposed to yell,
"Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you."
We're gonna die out here.
No, it's because if people
hear a woman screaming help,
they think she's in a domestic
dispute with her husband
'cause he won't let her have
a credit card or something,
so they don't do anything.
That's why you got to yell,
"Why are you doing this to me?
I don't even know you."
That's ridiculous.
BOTH: Why are you doing this to me?
I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
[DISTANT ANIMAL HOWLING]
Okay.
Let's make a fire.
Yeah.
♪
[GRUNTS]
So ironic that you can't make a fire.
Ah, now this would make
a great late-night story.
It's not happening.
[SIGHS] You know, this is
the first time I've missed
my skin-care regimen since
the Bush administration.
I'm talking H.W.
I'm so sorry I made us come
out here and then got us lost.
We should have just gone to the mall.
I could've could've
gotten Auntie Anne's.
Oh, I shouldn't have
been so hard on you.
It's not your fault my
stupid body broke down.
Come on, you're in great shape.
Say it.
"For a woman your age."
[SIGHS]
You know, your whole life
you say, "One day."
You know, "One day, I'll do this.
One day, I'll accomplish that."
And the magic of "one day"
is that it's all ahead of you.
But for me, "one day" is now.
Anything I want to do,
I have to do now
or else I'll never do it.
That's the worst part of getting older.
I believe you told
me that the worst part
about getting older
is the collagen loss.
- That too.
- [CHUCKLES]
The best part of being young
is that you don't have
to savor everything.
You don't even have to
consider it, you know.
Eat that candy bar.
Sleep in on Saturday morning.
Or have a breakup.
It's not the end of the world.
It's just the beginning.
That's the ultimate luxury
not having to suck the
marrow out of every day.
Just toss the bones,
not even make a soup.
- Sorry, I'm really hungry.
- [CHUCKLES]
[RUSTLING]
- What was that?
- Was that an animal?
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
BOTH: Why are you doing this to me?
I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
Why are you doing this to
me? I don't even know you!
[ENGINES RUMBLING]
Are you guys okay?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[AMERICA'S "LONELY PEOPLE"]
Oh, my God.
- Yeah, we are.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh.
We're alive. We're alive.
This is for all the lonely people ♪
♪
Thinking that life
has passed them by ♪
♪
Don't give up until you ♪
Drink from the silver cup ♪
Never take you down ♪
Or never give you up ♪
Never know until you try ♪
- Okay.
- Oh.
I got you. I got you.
- Oh. Oh.
- I got you. I got you.
- [GRUNTS]
- Careful.
- Careful. Okay.
- [GRUNTING]
Okay. Okay.
Oh, wait, wait.
Boys, I-I can't thank you enough.
And to show you my gratitude,
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna build an in-home QVC studio
so that I do not have to depend
so much on my private jet.
[CLEARS THROAT]
And I'm gonna transition half of
my portfolio into green stocks.
And?
And install solar panels,
even though it's going
to ruin the roofline.
Okay.
Ask her.
Oh, could you also buy us Mike's Hard?
Whatever you want. I owe you.
Sick.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Come on.
Nice to meet you guys.
- Take care.
- Nice to meet you.
Got it?
No, you know what? I'm driving.
Okay.
- Let's get you around.
- Okay. Ah.
You know, it's like
when you say goodbye,
and then you're not
leaving it's crazy.
- [GROANS]
- Okay, get in the car.
Okay.
Or s-should we follow you
for the Mike's Hard stuff?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Got her?
God, there you are.
Holy shit, are you are you okay?
I have to sell infinity scarves.
Okay, what happened?
We took a walk.
She looks rough.
I heard that!
What the fuck? Uh, can
we get a medic, please?
[RINGO STARR'S "IT DON'T COME EASY"]
You shouldn't use plastic.
It don't come easy ♪
You know it don't come easy ♪
It don't come easy ♪
You know it don't come easy ♪
Gotta pay your dues if
you wanna sing the blues ♪
And you know it don't come easy ♪
You don't have to
shout or leap about ♪
You can even play them easy ♪
Forget about the past ♪
And hold your sorrow ♪
♪
The future won't last ♪
It will soon be your tomorrow ♪
I don't ask for much,
I only want trust ♪
And you know it don't come easy ♪
And this love of mine
keeps growing all the time ♪
And you know it don't come easy ♪
♪