Happy Endings s03e05 Episode Script

Guys, guess what I found-- my set list from when I did stand-up in fifth grade.
What is the deal with these moms who make lunch? Have you seen this? Have you heard about this, Kelvin? I mean, why are you writing me a note, you silly goose? I know you love me.
You told me this morning! And what is the deal with these juice box straws? I mean, how hard does it have to be to get the facacta thing in the hole? It just spills all over ya! And then I have a bunch of stuff about, like, the difference between little girls and little boys.
You know, little girls be sharin'.
They be sharin', man.
Little girls be sharin'.
It's funny 'cause it's a list.
Oh, boo.
You're not laughing.
What's wrong? You consto? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just bummed about work junk.
The car czar and his cronies are this total boys club, and I can't get in.
Whoa.
Look at the sunny-side ups on that breakfast platter.
Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm! Hey, boys.
What are we doin'? Looking at some girly pics? I can get in with that.
Ahh, yeah, to think that she is somebody's daughter.
She was once a baby In a nursery.
It is infuriating.
Baby, calm down.
You're forgetting your sexy secret weapon.
My Jack Nicholson impression.
Hmm? Lakers.
No.
Me! I'm amazing at guy talk.
Just invite the guys over, and I'll help you get in.
I'll be your guy guide.
Your guyde.
Yep, already a word.
Realized it as soon as I said it.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey! - Whazzup! What-- question mark-- is-- question mark-- that? I just went to see Dr.
Spratt about my little spill down the stairs, and apparently, I still have a mild concussion, and I have to wear this stupid helmet for a month.
You look like a crayon a fat kid would eat.
Did you valet your kayak or did you find street parking? Let's go around the horn! Yeah, did you, uh oh Helmet joke.
I just wanted in.
You know what? I think this is really good because you do hit your head a lot.
Aah! - I'm going down.
Oh! - Ohh! Okay? Aah! Yeah, I don't remember any of that.
Maybe because of the concussion.
How did I get here? Penny.
Penny.
Penny.
Pen.
- Penny.
- Stop.
Stop.
It's not funny.
Goal! - Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - All right, enough with the showboating, ya tiny Hooligan.
It's bad enough we're getting beat by someone who's only slightly larger than the actual foosball players.
I'm sorry.
You had to take her to a soccer game? It will never catch on here.
Oh, great.
There's Brody.
I hate that douche.
Oh.
Are you kidding me? This guy is a world-class dum-dum.
I think you guys are being pretty hard on Brody.
He seems like a funny, nice guy, plus his name has the word "bro" built right into it.
Yo, D.
Rose! What's up, gangsta? How's it going, Brody? - Just crushin' life, bro.
- Congrats.
Whoa! Still hanging out with the nutcracker, huh? - The nutcracker! - Classic Brody! Ohh! Your hand's a turkey, bro.
Wild turkey.
Ohh! What a sick jerk.
I know.
Why can't he understand that Alex and I have transcended-- - Not your crap! The fist bump! - What? A fist bump is a sacred contract between the fists of men.
You don't go playing around, turning people's hands into turkeys.
I don't like that guy, and I want it on record.
We've been over this.
There is no actual record.
Then why are we doing any of this? Okay, babe, get ready to follow me into the boys club.
All guys love college football, so I'm gonna bring it up, then you launch into your tirade about the BCS.
We need a legitimate playoff system! - Mm! - Let's do it.
- Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh! - Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh! Everybody having a good time? - Great party, Jane.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, except for these veggie puff things.
You got anything with some animal in it? You know, something that used to have a mom? Speaking of moms I see a lot of college football fans around here, huh? Man, do I approve of the BCS! No! We need a legitimate playoff system! Huh! I'm not a fan of college, uh, football.
Hey! Oh! I love this candle, Jane! Oh! Where did you get this? Well, actually, I made it in my candle studio/our laundry room.
Really? - Yeah.
- Would you show me how you do it? Uh-oh! You did it now, Brad.
You found her hobby Making bad versions of things that you could just easily buy in a store.
But, by all means, show her how you make that thing.
Yeah.
Show me how you make it.
Show me.
Show me, show me, show me! Don't leave me.
Don't leave me.
Don't leave me.
Unh! So you and the guys wanna go check out some porno? Get some eyes on some thighs? Some peepers on some creepers? Some rods and cones on some bwras and thowngs? No.
This helmet thing isn't that bad.
I mean, we just need to cute it up, right? - Here.
Take that off.
- Try this one.
Eh? Come on, it's pink.
All right.
This is so stupid.
What? I think it's cute.
Oh! So sorry.
Sorry.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Don't worry about it.
Actually, I read somewhere that wearing a helmet reduces your peripheral vision by 40%.
- Really? - No, I can't read.
I'm, uh, I'm Pete.
- Oh.
Penny.
Hello.
- Penny.
- Helmet shopping, I see.
- Well I'm, uh, I'm looking for a lock myself.
There's a hobo in my neighborhood who keeps trying to steal my bike.
Nice use of the word "hobo.
" Makes him seem more quaint, right? A "quaint"? Isn't that the space between a gal's goal and her penalty box? I'm sorry.
I'm gonna be kinda forward here.
Do you wanna get a coffee with me sometime? I would love to.
I would love to.
But you know what? I've got so much going on.
So slammed.
No, it's okay.
It's totally okay.
Can't, uh, can't blame a guy for trying.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Are you crazy? He's beautiful.
- I know.
- He's soo cyah.
- So cyah.
So cyah.
I can't go on a date wearing this.
Come on.
He could be your soul mate, your kindred spirit, your "One Tree Hill".
That's not the saying, but you're right.
I cannot let this thing hold me back.
I have helmet.
- Helmet doesn't have me.
- That's right.
- Hey, Pete? - Hmm? Um, I'm actually in for that coffee.
Great! What changed your mind? Uh, just some advice from a friend.
She's very wise.
This one's top-notch.
Barely felt that.
Ah, she's a gem.
Four sandos and counting.
What's with the big appetite, hungry puppy? I'm carbo-fueling my rage for Brody.
Come on, man.
It was just a fist bump.
It was Not just a fist bump! I'm sensitive, okay? This is not the first time I've been handshake-betrayed.
It was the fifth damn grade.
Jimmy Nichols offered me a high-fiver.
I accepted.
Why not? It would be rude not to.
Then he offered me one down low.
Took that as well.
Bam! Pulled that "too slow" crap just like the cheatin' half-Italian bastard that he was.
School would no longer be a safe place for me to shake hands.
Dave? Down low, too slow.
David? All that pain What's happening? It's my fault.
I invented "down low, too slow.
" What? I did this to you.
What are you talking about? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry! - Dave! - I'm sorry! What are you talk-- what about your truck?! What are you talking about, Candice? You'd look great with bangs.
May I? Watch.
- Look at that.
See? - All right.
So then Denise comes back from the garden center - with another fountain.
- Ohh! That makes three.
Oh! Hey, hey, hey! I'm feeling you, guy.
If shopping were an olympic sport, my wife would be a fat bitch.
Ohh! How you doin'? You guys think your wives are bad? Brad is so spoiled, he can't sing "Louie, Louie" without adding the words "Vuitton, Vuitton.
" Who knew?! Ha ha! Kerkovich! Gettin' loose with the spousal abuse! - Mm.
- Wow! Hey, let me ask you something.
Is there a 10-inch whore here? 'Cause that was a low blow! Ohh! Give me that, dum-dum.
That's for you.
Oh.
Hi! Wow! Well.
Listen, I know we talked about coffee, but I thought we could do something a little different, so I booked us on a segway tour.
What? Wow.
Um Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Uh, okay.
We could do that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, it's gonna be awesome.
I know it's lame that they make us wear these stupid helmets.
I was all, "um, I think we're cool.
We're not gonna, like, accidentally bang our heads on stuff.
" And the segway guy was all, "the president of our company actually died tragically on one of these.
" And I was all, "I'm sorry for your loss.
" Okay, well, uh, let's segway.
- Let's segway! - Let's segway.
- Okay, the tour company is around the corner.
- Okay.
- Follow me, sir.
- Yeah.
But it's very intuitive.
It's kind of an art, is what I'm Oh.
Look out.
Jeez.
- Penny, you okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
Honestly, this could not be easier to do, in a weird way.
That's it, Penny.
Try leaning another way.
Okay.
Then try - You're dragging a chair.
- I think-- I know.
- Just-- just - Yeah, no, I'm - Hiya! - That's it.
You got that.
Yeah! Ohh.
Great party, Jane.
And thanks for the scotch.
That was the second-best Ohh! He's just playing.
- Yes, he is.
- Y-yeah.
Yeah.
Playing with breasts that aren't attached to someone I hate.
What?! - Ohh! - Ohh! - Unh! - Aah! Aah! His humor makes me uncomfortable.
They're fine.
Baby, I am so sorry I left you hanging with the guys.
I got caught up with the wives, and they would not let me go.
It all worked out.
I got to shoot the bull with the boys club all night.
And they invited me to watch a game with them after work! Oh, that's great! I got invited out, too.
The gals want me to go to their spinning class and then have salads afterwards.
Look at us-- me in the boys club, you hangin' with the trophy wives.
Yeah! Hold up.
Are you calling me a trophy wife? W-- 'Cause that's awesome! Yeah! Unh! - Mmm! Mmm! - Mmm! Mmm! Oh, you did it.
- Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh! - You did it.
Unh! Yes! Yes! How are we doing, Brad? Great! Yeah! Ha ha! Aah! - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! - Hey! - Yeah! - Aah! Oh! - Aah! You just got car czared! Ohh! That was the best ever! So how are things going with Pete? Not great.
I mean, I really like him and I even gave us our own couple name.
P&P Romance Factory.
But I do think he's getting a little weirded out that I only wanna go on dates where we wear helmets.
Yesterday, we took a moped safety course.
Well, I'm glad you came to me because I-- you're welcome-- took it upon myself to fix your problem.
Hey, guys.
Have you seen Dave? He ran out of the truck yesterday, acting really weird, and he's been You can still tell I'm wearing a helmet, can't you? Al, I don't think this is gonna work.
Really? I think they're great.
I don't know what the two of you are up to.
I think it's amazing.
I want no part of it.
I need to go find Dave.
So make yourself useful and help me! Oh, no.
This is bad.
He's into the sangria.
What do you want? Good God, man! That is the worst sangria mouth I've ever seen on a non-spaniard.
All the pain you suffered from "down low, too slow" it's my fault.
- Oh.
- Dave I don't think that you created-- I was 10 years old.
I high-fived Becky Lutz.
Then I offered her one lower down.
"Down low," we called it.
She swung for my hand, and I pulled it away, and then the rhyme spilled from my lips like poison.
"Too slow.
" Becky died that summer Whoa! Unexpected turn.
"My Girl"-style.
Bees.
You know when you're young and you get something in your head and no one corrects you, but you keep believing it - even though it's crazy? - Yeah.
Till I was 13, I used to think "L-M-N-O" was one letter.
You're an idiot.
I'm an idiot? What comes after Tuesday? Wed-nes-day.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't - Wed-nes-day.
Who knows how many lives I've ruined, how many dreams I've burgled?! - Maybe we should just tell him.
- I know.
I gotta make this right.
I'm gonna use my knowledge of handshake trickery and teach you a countermove to the turkey fist bump.
You can take Brody down.
This may be the single dumbest thing that have I ever been associated with, and I love it and I'm in.
Mmm, mmm.
Ahh.
Ugh.
Good God.
I like that.
Yeah.
Hey, boo! Hey, babe.
I made that salad you like.
Burrata, tomatoes, and balsamic so old it's a burden on its children.
Aw! You're sweet.
Hey, you got yours trained well, huh? If only I could train him to not spend so much money on gossip magazines.
Am I right? Yeah, these guys - Oh, boy.
- What was that? What? Uh, you junk-talking me in front of your coworkers.
No.
We always talk about our wives.
That's how I bonded with these guys.
Ted always talks about how dumb Sheila is.
Keith talks about Wanda's surgery addiction.
She looks like a Tom Petty Halloween mask.
Hey! Wanda is a lovely, inspiring person.
Whoa, babe! You seem crabby.
Why don't you go run along to the store, get yourself something nice? Oh, you did not just say that to me! Well Pete and I are done.
What happened? Well, I planned us this impromptu picnic.
I couldn't do a normal picnic because of Needless to say, it did-a not-a go-a well-a.
Okay.
Careful.
You know what's crazy? Because of the helmet, we never had sex.
So instead, we just got to know each other, and it was so great.
This helmet wasn't just protecting my head.
It was protecting my heart.
Is that a quote from "Iron Man 2"? This sooks, though.
I really liked him, Al.
So tell him the truth, okay? Honesty is the best policy.
You know what? You're right.
I am gonna call Pete.
I'm gonna invite him over, and I'm gonna answer the door proudly in my flesh-colored prescription helmet.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for inviting me.
Aw.
Oh.
Ooh.
Aah! Oh! Welcome to my home.
And this comes with the rainbow package, so-- Aah! You would not believe! Zero parking at the country club! And she was all, "that's not your ottoman!" And I was all, "dressing on the side, bitch!" And Dante has a boat.
You need to fix this right now.
What? One second.
Just one What? What the hell are you doing? You want a trophy wife? You got one.
Aah! And I crashed my car! So I need a new one.
I want this one.
But it has to have a special little piggy airbag for my new BFF Carnitas.
What?! What? What?! There he is.
Now remember, let him make the first move, then react.
Fist bumps are a dance, man.
A dance! Hey, Maximils! How's it goin'? How's it goin', D.
Rose? What's up, almost Mrs.
D.
Rose? Ha ha ha.
Good one, Brody.
Ohh! Your hand's a turkey.
Well, too bad it's Thanksgiving! Mm! Thanksgiving, huh? What's Thanksgiving without the mashed potatoes? Yeah.
- I'll kill you! - No! Whoa! No.
Max! Max! Sorry, Brody.
Max is just a little sensitive about handshake stuff because someone did the whole "down low, too slow" thing to him when he was a kid.
I had no idea.
Sorry, broseph.
No hard feelings, right? All right.
Squid away.
Squid away.
Oh, yeah.
- I'll kill you! - No! Aah! Thank you for inviting me over.
It's a lot easier to talk to you when I'm not trying to rollerblade or play the jai alai.
I'm glad you're here, too.
Ooh.
Okay.
Oh.
Ooh.
Quilted.
Boink, boink.
Ooh.
Soft, huh? Yeah.
- Okay.
- That's nice.
Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Mnh.
- Mmmm.
Mm.
Ooh.
Ooh.
- Yeah.
- What? - Ooh! Ooh! That is the stuff.
Yeah, mama likes that.
Mmm.
Okay.
Okay.
Um I don't know what's going on.
You're acting like a weirdo, so I'm gonna I'm gonna go.
Look, it's because I am a weirdo.
I hit my head a lot-- like a cartoon coyote a lot-- and that's why I have to wear a helmet for a month.
And I've been covering it up because I I really like you.
But if you wanna go, I understand.
Every queen needs her crown.
Aw! Calm down, was all that was.
Yeah.
Calm down.
Yeah.
Aw.
What?! Oh, you know I will, girl! Girl, I will cut your face off! But not really.
I cannot believe you would embarrass me like that in front of my coworkers.
Why not? You did it to me.
Oh, come on.
Like you never talked smack about me to your i-banking buddies? No.
Never.
'Cause we're a team, and you don't do that to your partner.
We are a team, aren't we? Yes.
I'm so sorry.
I just-- I wanted to be part of the boys club so bad that I-I got carried away, and I I messed up.
It's okay.
Aw, boo bear.
Brad, you're still here, huh? Figured you'd be at a, uh, hotel patio bar by now, boobs-deep in a red velvet Margarita, talking to your girlfriends about Cartier friendship bracelets and panty lines.
- Nah, you crossed the line! It's about to-- - No.
Okay.
I got this.
I'm done talking smack about my partner.
Okay? And I don't need your stupid boys club.
So if you have a problem with that, I suggest you take that hood ornament and do something really painful with it.
No one ever speaks to the car czar like that.
Ever.
But I like it.
Wait.
No, I don't.
Why would I like that? No boss would like that.
But you are my top salesperson, so, uh, what am I gonna do? Later, Brad.
So it worked out.
Yeah.
Well, except, uh, real talk? This little piggy is gonna be Yeah.
- I bought him in anger.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, I was rash.
- Yeah.
- I don't know what to do.
- I know.
I mean, we could give him away, but here's another wrinkle-- - I've grown to love him.
Mmm! - Ohh! Mmm! You love him, I love him.
I can't hear you.
No, I know.
It's 'cause Sing, baby! Ahh Sing!