Hey Arnold! (1996) s03e05 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(HAROLD READING)
Enter the Yahoo Soda
Spokeskid Contest.
Wow! That means that could
be me, right?
Or me?
Or me. Not that
I'm bragging or anything,
but with my sense
of fashion and style,
I'm obviously a natural.
It could be anyone.
It's an open casting call.
If they pick me,
I could be a millionaire
and then I could buy
a million Mr. Fudgies.
Fat chance! Like they're
really gonna pick a
lard boy like you.
Hey, it could happen
and don't call me lard boy.
There's only one way
to find out. Come on!
Hey, Stinky, you coming to
the Yahoo Soda casting call?
Na, I ain't cut out for that
Hollywood stuff.
Hey, you never know.
Maybe they'll pick you.
Ah, shucks, Arnold,
you gotta be somethin' special
to get picked for
somethin' like that.
And if there's one thing
I know, it's that I just ain't
nothin' special.
Come on, Stinky,
that's not true.
Yes, it is, Arnold.
I've never been too good
at sports or games.
And I never get the best
grades at my schoolwork.
And I ain't the funniest
or the most popular kid.
I sure do wish I was
special at somethin'.
But I reckon, the truth is,
I'll always just be a regular.
Why don't you come along
anyway and watch?
It might be fun.
Well, I was plannin'
to mosey on inside
and ponder my workbooks
but if it will make you
feel better, Arnold.
Sure wish I could
hit this dang ball
in this here cup.
Okay, there must be two
or 3000 kids here.
One of them has to have that
special something we need
to make Yahoo Soda the most
popular drink of the century.
There sure are
a whole lot of
kids here, Arnold.
But I figure you
could still win.
DIRECTOR: Action!
Yahoo Soda
(EMPHASIZES)
just drink it!
Next!
Yahoo Soda,
just drink it!
DIRECTOR: Next!
Yahoo Soda,
just drink it!
Next!
Yahoo Soda,
just drink it!
DIRECTOR: Next!
(STAMMERING) Yahoo Soda
What is it again?
Number two hundred
and forty-eight.
Drink Yahoo Soda,
it's really great.
I'm telling you,
it's the best soda, okay?
How old are you?
I'm seven years old.
I'm a little kid. See?
DIRECTOR: Next!
Man!
(SIGHING) Anybody else?
What about you?
You haven't auditioned.
Nah, I ain't
no kinda actor.
Come on, try it, Stinky.
What do you got to lose?
Okay, Arnold,
but I don't see the point.
HELGA: Yeah, like they're
really gonna pick Stinky.
SID: He doesn't have
a snowball's chance.
Anytime you're ready.
Yahoo Soda,
just drink it!
Say that again.
Yahoo Soda,
just drink it!
That's it!
People, we found our new
Yahoo Soda spokeskid!
(APPLAUSE)
I see big things
for you, kid.
Commercials, magazine layouts.
You are gonna be big.
Oh, are you gonna be big!
STINKY:
I can't believe it, Arnold.
I can't believe I'm the one
who them big Hollywood
muckety mucks
picked to be their
Yahoo Soda spokeskid.
They must have seen something
special in you, Stinky.
Yeah, maybe, but I sure
don't know what.
Thanks for comin', Arnold.
I sure hope I can remember all
the words they want me to say.
Don't worry,
you'll do fine.
All right, people,
let's put one down.
I think that means they're
ready to start filming.
Break a leg!
Why would I wanna do that?
DIRECTOR: All right,
everybody, this is picture
and action!
Does that mean you want me
to say the words now?
Yes, Stinky,
say the words.
Yahoo Soda,
just drink it!
Cut.
Perfect!
This kid is a natural!
Let's get one for protection.
I reckon I'm gettin'
the hang of this, Arnold.
DIRECTOR: Action!
It ain't no city soda,
it's Yahoo.
Action!
All that I know is,
you better not touch my Yahoo.
Yahoo, it's good.
Ah, now, that's a Yahoo!
SID: Look at him. He's huge!
One minute,
he's just a regular kid,
and the next minute,
he's some big soda celebrity.
I heard he's gonna
be a millionaire.
I'd do anything for
a million dollars.
I'm glad they picked Stinky.
Well, I always knew
he could do it.
No, you didn't.
You said he didn't have
a snowball's chance
of getting picked.
Well, that was before
I realized he had
so much talent.
JACKIE LEE: And then Cory
looked up at me with those
big blue eyes
and Cory said, "Mommy,
from now on, I wanna go potty
all by myself, okay?"
Enough already, Jackie Lee.
Enough with the kids.
Every day, it's the
same thing.
You're out of control!
Oh, Revis I just
love them so much.
Yeah, I know.
Can we please bring out
our first guest?
The local kid whose star is
skyrocketing into the heavens
even as we speak.
Our own Stinky Petersen!
(APPLAUSE)
Gosh!
Now, first of all, Stinky,
do you mind if I call
you Stinky?
Nope, I don't mind.
On account of, that's my name.
Stinky, how did you
get picked out
of thousands of kids
to do the Yahoo commercials?
Well, Revis, Jackie,
I reckon I
Ah, that's Jackie Lee!
Oh, yeah. They told me
about that backstage.
Anyways, I reckon I was the
best actor who tried out.
And now, you're the Yahoo
Soda spokeskid.
You're a big shot, a star,
a phenomenon!
You're out of control!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Revis sure gets riled up.
We just love you so much.
HELGA: Ya, doy.
There he is!
I heard they want you to sign
a million dollar contract.
I always believed
in you, Stinky.
Me too!
Can I have your autograph?
It's a miracle they didn't
discover you soon.
Ooh!
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey, Stinky, wanna go
to the arcade?
Love to, Arnold,
but I ain't got the time.
I got photo sessions and
contracts to look over
And I'm booked
to shoot another
commercial this afternoon.
Your limo is ready,
Mr. Stinky.
Thanks, VJ.
I gotta go, Arnold.
Why don't you stop by
the studio around 5:00?
Okay.
Ciao, Arnold!
Ciao, Mr. Arnold.
Stinky?
Come on in, Arnold.
Make yourself at home.
I'm just gettin' made up
for my commercial and lookin'
over these here contracts.
Little more pancake
under the eyes.
Thanks, babe.
You're welcome. Oh, and,
Stinky, don't call me "babe".
Okey-dokey.
Looks like you're getting
pretty good at this, Stinky.
Well, I suppose I am.
I wasn't real sure at first,
but now I reckon I've turned
into a pretty good actor.
They like me, Arnold.
They really like me.
I finally found the one thing
I'm really good at.
One thing
that makes me special.
It ain't every kid
who's a good actor.
So I guess that makes me
special at somethin',
don't it?
ARNOLD: I guess it does.
That's what they call
the best boy.
It don't mean he has
to be a boy.
It's just what they call
the fellow who helps fix up
all the lights.
It's one of them
technical words.
Best boy.
DIRECTOR: I mean,
he's got to be the worst
actor in the world,
but he's so bad at reading
his line that it's funny.
I mean the whole point
was to find
the dopiest-sounding kid.
The absolute worst actor
in the world and we found him.
I mean, even his name
is dopey, Stinky.
Stinky Petersen!
Stinky.
So I'm a big joke, huh?
Maybe it's just
a misunderstanding
or something.
The only one with
the misunderstanding
is me, Arnold.
I guess I'm not special,
after all.
Stinky, wait!
DIRECTOR:
It's hilarious.
A quote-unquote yayhoo
selling Yahoo.
We're gonna make
a fortune off him.
(KIDS CHEERING)
STINKY: No, sir.
I ain't doin' it.
Not noway, not nohow.
Son, please sign the contract.
Please, we're begging you.
Y'all can find yourselves
another fool.
But you have to
sign the contract.
You're the Yahoo soda kid.
This deal is worth
a million dollars
in commercials and
public appearances.
Nothin' doin'.
Please, Stinky,
sign the papers.
It's a million dollars.
No deal!
(SOBBING) It's hopeless!
I can't talk to this kid.
This is it!
(EXCLAIMING) Why?
I can't believe it.
What an idiot!
(CRYING)
I always knew he'd never
make it to the big time.
(STINKY'S FATHER SOBBING)
Hey, Stinky.
Howdy, Arnold.
I'm sorry things didn't work
out the way you wanted.
Thanks, Arnold.
I appreciate that.
I know how much you wanted
to do something that would
make you special.
Yup.
Just because
this didn't work out
doesn't mean you should
give up hope.
I'm sure some day,
you'll find something that
makes you feel special.
Oh, but I am special, Arnold.
I turned down a
million dollar contract
just so I could hang on to
somethin' more important
What's that, Stinky?
My pride, Arnold.
Lots of people got pride,
but I got a million
dollars worth
and the way I figured it,
that makes me special.
Yeah, I guess it does.
Besides, I got the rest
of my life to figure out
other stuff
I could be good at.
Maybe I'll be an astronaut
or a scientist or somethin'.
ARNOLD: Maybe.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Hey, Helga, I heard your
sister, Olga, is coming home
from college this week.
She's so great.
She's pretty and popular
and she's a fabulous dresser.
Not to mention,
an award-winning scholar.
And she's so nice
and friendly.
You must love having her
as a sister.
Oh, yeah, I just love Olga.
Then when I finished
my concerto, roses at my feet.
The entire orchestra gave me
a standing ovation.
Oh, that's my girl!
(GRUMBLES)
And here I am on the cover
of this month's
"Leaders of Tomorrow"
with the Rajah of Margawe.
He's oodles of fun.
(LAUGHS)
I'm just so proud
of you, dear.
(ANGRILY) I'm going to barf.
OLGA: I saved the best news
for last.
I've met a wonderful boy
and I'm dropping out of school
to marry him and move
to the big city.
What is this?
Some kind of joke?
No, Daddy. That's
the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
He's handsome and dreamy
and he's a fabulous actor.
Of course,
he's not famous yet.
So I'll get a job
and support us both.
But isn't it romantic?
No! You're throwing
your life away.
(CRYING) Olga,
don't make the same
mistake I made.
Gee, Olga!
This is great news!
When can we meet him?
(DOGS BARKING)
I can't remember life
before my darling, Olga.
She knows my deepest torments
and my darkest fears.
She's my angel, my soulmate,
my shining light.
Oh!
This guy's all hat
and no cattle.
So, how long have you two
known each other?
Three weeks and two days.
So, then what's
the stinking rush all about?
Get married in a year,
if you still want to.
You won't want to.
Mommy, Daddy,
please don't be hard.
It's okay, darling.
Your parents need time
to adjust.
Hey, hey, hey,
you little twist top,
Big Bob Pataki doesn't adjust.
You got it?
Daddy, it's not fair to make
Olga choose between
us and her true love.
Helga's right, Daddy.
You're being an awful brute.
And Mommy, you're not
even trying to like Doug.
(SOBBING) I am so miserable.
(HIGH-PITCHED SOB)
If I play my cards right,
I can get rid of Olga
for good.
(OLGA CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY)
Snap out of it.
I can't, Helga.
I'm just so upset.
Then you got to do something
like run away and get married.
Helga, we can't elope.
Mommy and Daddy
would be furious.
(EXCITEDLY) I know.
I mean,
that would be terrible,
but isn't it worse thinking
about life without Doug?
(CRYING)
I thought so.
Here's the deal.
You start packing
and I'll go outside
and sneak the ladder
under your window.
You guys will be married
in no time.
Helga, I feel like
like we're truly
bonding at last.
I just don't know
how to thank you.
Don't mention it.
Oh, boy!
So you played left tackle
for Green Bay, huh?
Yeah, they're the toughest,
strongest guys around,
next to retail salesmen.
Salesmen?
Oh, come on, you're just
greasing my chassis.
No, sir, the proudest moment
of my life won't be from my
football days, Bob.
It'll be the day I'm named
Appliance Salesman
of the Year.
What's this guy up to?
One day,
I hope to make enough
money as an actor
to start my own major
appliance chain.
Appliance chain,
that was my dream.
Oh, gee! You'll be
the son I never had.
One day, Big Bob's
Beeper Emporium
will be all yours.
Criminy! Daddy hated this guy
ten minutes ago.
Olga darling Oh, it's
it's you, Mrs. Pataki.
Goodness, you look so young!
I I must confess
for a moment,
I could have sworn you
were my beloved Olga.
Oh, that's very, very sweet,
Douglas, but it is not true.
Oh, yes, it is!
The only difference
between you is that you
have the powerful shoulders,
obviously,
of a natural athlete.
Ugh!
Wow! I don't like to brag,
but I used to be an
Olympic-class swimmer.
Really?
What a coincidence!
I was an Olympic-class diver.
Ha! Olympic-class liar,
you mean.
Hey, Dougmeister,
it's fourth down and inches.
Oh, that B
and his football!
I never really understood
football, Miriam.
Such a coarse game!
Oh, man! This guy's
a total liar.
If Olga marries him,
her life will be ruined.
Perfect!
Okay, new plan.
Forget what I said about
running away with Doug.
Everything's changed.
What happened?
Doug worked Mom and Dad over.
I mean he won them over.
So, now they're crazy
about him.
Oh, I knew it.
I just knew they'd love him.
Yeah, I couldn't have picked
anyone better myself.
(EXCLAIMING IN AWE)
Wow, Helga! I had no idea
Doug used to be a professional
race car driver.
Wise up, Arnold.
The guy's a fake.
A fake?
He's been lying about all
the stuff he's done ever
since he got here.
And he's planning on
living off Olga and my Dad.
Really? And your sister still
wants to marry him?
Ha! She doesn't know
anything about it.
It's my little secret.
Well, if he really
is as bad as you say he is,
you gotta do something, Helga.
No, I don't.
It serves her right.
Olga's always got
to be so perfect.
It's just that if you have
a sister and she's in trouble,
you're supposed to do
something about it.
Hey, who asked you, anyway?
Okay, forget I mentioned it,
Helga.
Hark, what light from
yonder window breaks?
It is the east
and Juliet is the sun.
Wow! That's real good!
Shakespeare, Miriam!
Uh-huh!
Romeo, O Romeo!
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
(SLURPING)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
What a surprise!
All my favorite people!
Sorry I can't stay.
Did Olga tell you
the good news?
Doug's in the
astronaut program.
I'm going to Mars.
So, let me give you
the whole tour.
This is it!
I am so unhappy.
(SOBBING)
Oh, for crying out loud.
Suck it up, Olga!
You ruined your life.
Now you have to live with it.
Why aren't you smart
like Helga?
She's brilliant!
She is smart.
And you are
(LAUGHING)
What's so funny, Helga?
Nothing.
OLGA: Oh, darling, Helga,
isn't it just wonderful?
Less than an hour from now,
I'll be Mrs. Doug LeSham.
Oh, it's all
just too perfect!
Isn't it?
I'm sorry I'm crying, Helga.
It's just that I know my life
with Doug is gonna be so
wonderful and happy.
And I wanna thank you
for helping me
make it all possible.
Don't mention it.
It was important to me that
Mom and Dad like Doug,
but it meant the most to me
that you liked him.
I've never told you,
but I always thought
you were really wise
when it comes to
judging people.
Really?
Really.
We haven't always been
very close,
but I'm really, really glad
you're my sister, Helga.
I couldn't imagine
having a better one.
I was so close!
Gee!
No, sweetheart,
I can't make it
this weekend. I'm, uh
hosting a conference
with the Mayor
on the homeless problem.
But how about next week?
We'll go skiing.
I miss you too, Linda. Bye.
Hello, Doug.
Oh, hi, Helga.
II was just
talking to my cousin.
Sweet kid! I recently
saved her life in a flood.
All right, buddy,
the jig's up!
Jig? I don't know
what you mean.
Is this some kind of a game?
It may be a game to you
and for a while it was to me,
but now the game is over.
It's time to pick up
your marbles and hit the road.
I don't get it.
What's the joke?
You are, bucko.
"Appliance Salesman
of the Year."
"I was Olympic swimmer."
Huh, come on!
You're a liar
and a con artist.
You played my sister for a sap
and for a while,
I went along with it
because I wanted
to see her suffer.
But enough is enough!
Oh, so you think you've got me
all figured out? Is that it?
Yeah, that's it!
So, here's the deal.
Either you leave now without
so much as a goodbye,
or I spill the beans and tear
your act down in front of
Mom, Dad and Olga.
You're bluffing.
Olga's crazy about me
and so are your Mom and Dad.
Whatever you say, bucko,
I'll just deny it.
They won't believe you.
How do you know?
Because you're jealous
of Olga.
Everybody knows it.
She's prettier than you,
she's successful,
and guess what,
she's popular.
What's your point?
Look, whatever Olga wants,
Olga gets.
And in about 10 minutes,
she gets me for a husband
and I get a cushy ride
on the Pataki Beeper train.
You're not smart enough
to mess with me.
So don't even try.
Let's see, if I push this
redial button.
Hello, Linda. It's Helga,
Olga's sister.
You don't know Olga?
She's Doug's fiancee.
I guess there's a lot
you don't know about
Doug, is there?
Where do I start?
Why are you doing this?
You don't even like Olga.
When your sister's in trouble,
you're supposed to do
something about it.
It doesn't matter
if you like her or not.
You're supposed to do
something about it.
Yeah, well, it might look bad
if I just leave without
saying goodbye.
I'll take care
of the loose ends.
I did like her, you now, even
if I didn't actually love her.
Hey, what's love anyway?
My dearest Olga,
words can never truly express
my regret and sorrow for what
I'm about to tell you,
but I find that I must
leave you, darling.
I've been called away to
"I've been called away
to help solve the crisis
in Namibia."
(SOBBING)
Oh, Mommy, Daddy,
he's leaving.
"It would be selfish
and unfair of me
"to ask you to marry me
under these tragic conditions.
"I hope you know
that my love for you
is eternal.
"Yours always, Doug."
(SOBBING)
I can't handle this, Helga.
And yet, he's so right.
It would have been unfair
for me to expect
to keep him all to myself.
Even his farewell letter
was beautiful.
(HESITANTLY)
Yeah, yeah, sure.
(CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY)
(SOBBING)
I just need to be strong.
He wouldhe would be strong.
(OLGA SOBBING)
I don't even know
what to do now.
HELGA: All right,
that's enough.
Suck it up,
you big cry baby.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)