High Maintenance (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

1 - (DOG BARKING) - (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (SHRIEKING) Happy birthday, fucker.
Oh, hey! What is this? - FOX: Quiet.
Shit.
- DOC: Who's that? - I'll make you shut up.
- No.
I mean No.
- FOX: No one told you to talk.
- DOC: Okay, but I - FELLY: Get in, get in.
- DOC: Oh, okay.
All right.
- Get the fuck in.
- Shut up.
- Stay right there.
- MITZI: Turn and burn, ladies! Don't move.
- VIV: Shut the fuck up.
- DOC: Okay, okay.
- Don't fucking move.
- Don't move.
FOX: You already signed away your life, you piece of shit.
Go, go, go.
Oh my God.
Go.
(TIRES SCREECH) - FELLY: Get down.
- FOX: Give me your hand.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Yeah, right there.
- Are those straps tight enough? - What did you get yourself into? - FELLY: You said yes to this, didn't you? Yes.
- DOC: No.
Yes.
AYASHA: Where are we gonna take her? Somewhere dirty.
- FELLY: Ooh.
New Jersey? - DOC: Oh, no not New Jersey.
- Shut the fuck up now.
- Speak only when spoken to.
- We'll take you to Gowanus.
- Yeah, Gowanus.
- (TIRES SCREECH) - (GASPS) - Sorry! - It's all right, we're okay.
Where did you come from? Only you, baby, can put out this fire - (MOANING) - (SLAPPING) - FOX: Yeah, you like that? - DOC: Yes.
- FOX: Louder.
- DOC: Yes! AYASHA: You want me to cum all over you? (MOANING): Yes, sir.
Can I have another? Can put out this fire Burning in my soul DOC (MOANING): Oh, yeah! - You're a terrible writer, you cunt.
- Your book fucking sucks! - Who writes e-books anyway? - (DOC MOANING) Yeah, fuck her.
Fuck her.
Fucking joke.
- FOX: You're a fucking pig, aren't you? - DOC: Ooh, yes! - FELLY: Say you're a pig.
- Yes, I'm a pig.
I'm a fucking pig.
- VIV: A dirty pig.
- DOC: I'm a dirty pig.
See you at Ginger's.
AYASHA: Bye! - Mmm! - Happy birthday, oppa.
- All right, let's put you in a bathtub.
Come here.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hmm? That was the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Aw! - Mmm! DOC: How were you able to afford this? - AYASHA: None of your business.
- (DOC SIGHS) - All right, one drink and then bed.
- Yeah.
- Whatever you want then.
- Maybe, maybe two drinks.
- Did you invite a lot of people? - HILLY: Uh-oh! He lives to tell.
- Aw, yeah! - You don't even look 50! - You do, you do.
No, you don't.
- MARIGOLD: It's amazing.
- Happy birthday! - Oh, my God.
I love you.
- It was beyond.
- Beyond? Beyond.
The best.
The best.
- You doing a thing with your nails? - It's I know it's weird.
- It's just a look.
- It's just a phase.
- It's all right.
You're never too old, right? - Exploration.
(LAUGHING) - (CHEERING) - Come on in! - Happy birthday! - (CHEERING) Thank you.
Aw, thank you.
(CHATTER, LAUGHTER) DOC: But seriously, you have to sign, like a stack of forms like that.
Well, I mean, you want to cover your bases when you're doing a - What was it, an abduction? - Mm-mm.
It's a ravishing.
RILEY: Oh, I'm sorry, a ravishing.
- More like a kidnapping.
- A sensual kidnapping.
- A hot butch bang, how about that? - Very erotic.
Pink, left, back pocket, means my dog sleeps in the bed.
But if it's in the right pocket, it means my dog does not sleep in the bed.
Okay, I like it.
What about the cats? Mmm, same thing but red.
No, no I feel yellow is more cat-like.
All right, fuck it.
Yellow.
It doesn't matter.
Just making it up as we go along, right? - Girl bang, boy bang, slut pile - (LAUGHS) - fuck van, shaggin' wagon.
- I - I hate that one.
- Shaggin' wagon? - I don't like that one at all.
- It's a little silly.
No, definitely not in ketosis.
That ship has long sailed.
DOC: Thirty years of exes, all in my childhood kitchen.
You were there, and you were there, and you were there, and you were there.
All the way back to my camp counselor, Carole, just sitting shiva, talking shit about me.
- Oh my God, you love that.
- TRISH: So what do you think the dream means? I think it means she's a double Leo and a pain in the ass.
ALL: Happy birthday! HILLY: Happy birthday, and many more! Um, I would just love to get some feedback from you.
You know, about timing and technique.
Oh-oh! I was the one spitting into your mouth.
HILLY: So what do we owe you for the van? I forgot about tip and gas, so 75 each.
Is that okay? Oh, let me get the tip.
- Shush! - Of course not, it's your birthday.
- Drink your water, oppa.
- MARIGOLD: Yeah, Mr.
Moneybags.
- HILLY: What's your handle? - AYASHA: It's just my name.
Anybody have a cigarette? - (DOC SIGHS) - Are you okay, buster? No, I got all the serotonin fucked out of me.
Can you take it easy today? What's your day like? I gotta work on this speech.
This shit never gets easier.
This is just This is not happening.
- My brain is not working.
- Listen, listen.
You're the most brilliant person that I know.
Come here.
I love this fucking brain.
(CHUCKLES) - It'll be great.
- We'll see.
- Mmm.
- Yeah? (MOANING) Mmm, that's nice.
Are you making dinner tonight? - I can.
- Can you save me something? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Well, I'm off.
Babe, you need new glasses.
Oh boy (SIGHS) Next paycheck.
- Love you.
- Love you, bye! (DOOR CLOSES) (PHONE DINGS) I'll give you $50 if you just cum in my mouth.
- - Fifty? Mmm, yeah, you like that.
Baby, let me do it, let me do it to you Let me kiss you, baby Looks good, baby.
- Uh-oh.
- (AYASHA MOANING) - DOC: Are you ready for me? - AYASHA: Mm-hmm.
(MOANS) - - Baby, you're giving me - You wanna go for a walk? - (DOC WHIMPERS) Did you pee over there? Hah! No, no.
No, no.
Where'd it go? Oop.
Oh - Let's make it 150.
- Oh! Wait.
Let it go through.
- (PHONE DINGS) - Baby, can I do it? Can I do it? - - Baby, can I kiss you, baby? Uh! - (MOANING) - DOC: Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Get back in there.
(LAUGHS) - (WHISPERS): Yeah.
(PHONE DINGS) Thank you, Daddy.
(AYASHA MOANS) (PHONE DINGS) - (PHONE DINGS) - Mm-mm.
- Mmm! - Mm-mm.
- I gotta go.
I gotta go.
- No, you don't have any more pot.
- Tell them you're out of weed.
- I can't do that.
Just I'll buy it all.
- Oh, yeah? You will, will you? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
(NEW YORK ACCENT): Oh, you got that much dough, huh? - I got that dough.
- You got the dough.
I can't do it.
I'm so sorry.
- Why? - I don't want to disappoint everybody.
A lot of people are depending on me.
Is that what I get for dating a nice guy? That's right.
I'm a nice guy.
- (NEW YORK ACCENT): Some kind of nice guy.
- Some kind of nice guy.
You know, you've got a funny mole? Yeah, I've been meaning to get that checked out.
- Don't sit on that.
- I'm not gonna sit on it, but thank you.
Of course.
I'm really glad you feel better.
Mm-hmm, same.
Make yourself a home.
Stay a while.
Just don't shit in here.
Okay, well, now you're ruining my afternoon plans.
- Have fun.
- Bye.
(DOOR CLOSES) - That's a good coif.
- Doesn't she look great? Okay, now the suspense is killing me.
- I gotta see this.
- Wait, I'm not done with you yet, okay? Do you need a trim? That's a sensitive subject with me.
I'm a balding man.
- Oh, there's a little something there.
- Oh, come on.
You're bald because you have too much testosterone.
- THE GUY: Balding.
- Yeah, it's good.
That's why you got that beard and that chest hair.
It's awesome.
Wow, that's what's going on? I thought it was Judaism.
- Yeah, that, too.
- Do you like it? - I like it.
- Thank you.
- I know that we want Chocolope.
- There you go.
And, Aya, you want something? Um, can I get the cartridge I got last time? I think it was - Yes, that one.
- This one.
Oh shit.
I gave all my cash to the cleaners.
Um, you can take Venmo, right? I'm sorry, no.
- AYASHA: You know what, I have cash upstairs.
- No, it's all right.
I got it.
You can take Venmo.
Yeah, I'll take it.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) (PHONE DINGS) (PHONE DINGS) Yo, why did you Venmo that back to me? Um, I don't like you doing that.
Yeah, but I'm booking you for tonight, and it's that thing you don't love doing, so just roll with it.
That's not what we're doing.
Not what we're doing? I thought this was a hot power-play thing.
- It is.
- Yeah, but I can't do it to you? Come on.
You should save your money.
Wow.
- What? - I'm Wow, I'm an idiot.
Why? Are you just, like, giving me money now? Well, yeah, I gave you like a thousand dollars this month.
I mean, what did you think that was for? Yeah, but that was our play money.
I didn't even transfer it into my bank.
Can't you just let me take care of you? I guess I just didn't realize that you thought I was doing so badly.
That's not what I meant.
That's not I I pay rent, I get groceries.
I know how to take care of myself.
I know, and I just I love you and I don't want to see you struggle.
I don't wanna take your money, Doc.
That is just silly.
I mean, if we were married, if I was your husband, this wouldn't even be an issue.
I don't wanna be in that kind of relationship.
Damn it.
Hey I owe you.
(CRIES SOFTLY) I'm not that bad with my money, okay? - I know.
- I'm trying.
I know.
And I never wanted you to feel like I was with you because of that reason.
Hey, I have never felt that.
And I never felt my age around you, and now I just fucking do.
I just feel like a young, dumb person.
No.
I thought this turned you on.
(WHISPERS): It does.
It's so hot when you take it.
I liked feeling like a hooker and not some charity case.
That's not Look, I - I went about it the wrong way.
- Yeah, you did.
- I'm sorry.
- (DOOR SLAMS) (SIGHS) (WHISPERS): Shit.
(SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING) (PHONE DINGS) (MUTTERS): You dirty little bitch.
(DINGS) - I love you! - Well, I'm not done yet! (PHONE DINGS) (HORN HONKING) (ZIPPER ZIPS) - (HORN HONKS) - (MUTTERS) BILL: Um Hey.
Mm-hmm? - My car's here, I gotta go.
- Okay.
- Text you from the flight? - Great.
Don't you have to get up? It's summer school.
No one cares.
All right.
Love you.
(SIGHS) Love you, too.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) (DISTANT SIREN WAILS) Ms.
Farad? - Ms.
Farad! - Teddy, yes.
What? What are we doing today? We've been sitting here for like 20 minutes now.
Okay, it's not been 20 minutes.
Check this out.
- We're watching Glory today.
- (STUDENTS GROAN) But we already watched that in the regular school year.
We, like, know that one already.
- (PHONE DINGS) - We are watching Glory again, and you can quote along with it.
- Denise, lights.
- Thank you, Denise.
(HUMMING) Does anyone want to get a drink tonight? - Oh my God, yes! - Great! Hell yeah! - Can we go now? - Yeah, I'm totally down.
(CHATTERING) EZRA: Did you guys know that years ago, Rikers Island, the prisoners struck because they didn't want to get served lobster anymore? - Why? - What? 'Cause they used to serve it all the time.
And now it's like rich people food.
What? (CACKLING) - FARAD: Stupid! - GERARD: That's good.
Stupid, but like funny stupid.
(CACKLING) - I like your hair.
It's cute.
- Thank you.
Fuck.
- Pretty good, huh? - Yeah.
- You want one? - Uh, no, I'm good.
No, you want a tot.
(MUTTERS) (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) - It's good, right? - Mm-hmm.
You like softball games? Softball? Did you know I was a catcher for 14 years? - Oh, really? - And that's why my hips are really open.
Because when you squat, your hips open up, and so then you can do the splits.
- You can do the splits? - On both sides.
BETTY: He's not good for her.
He's gonna bring her down.
She hasn't raised her hand in the last two weeks.
What, who? Tall Alex or weird-eye Alex? - Girl, weird-eye.
- He has a weird eye? - You know, he's like - Ooh! I like them together! No, you can't.
They'll never see eye to eye, Betty.
- They'll never see (LAUGHING) - That's mean, that's mean.
I'm just gonna Little bit closer.
You don't have anything like Shout at your apartment, do you? - I I think I'm done here.
- Yeah, same.
Well, friends, my stomach's doing janky things, so I think I'm gonna just head out.
- What? No! - Aw, come on.
You know what? I should probably go, too.
- What? - No! Hey, can we split a car? Do you want to just - Stay.
She's staying.
- Sure.
Okay.
EZRA: I should probably get out of here, too.
- Oh, dropping like flies.
- Okay.
Gonna go, bye! Yes, okay, bye! See you guys tomorrow, okay? - All right.
- EZRA: You guys, this was super fun though, right? It was awesome to, like, get to know each and every one of you.
- (LAUGHING): Bye.
- See ya.
- EZRA: Wow.
- (BOTH PANTING) You weren't kidding about the splits, huh? FARAD: Yup.
Yup.
- (PHONE BUZZING) - EZRA: Yeah? Yeah? Yeah.
- (PANTING) - (GRUNTING) - Okay.
Slow.
- That's better.
- Slow? - I'll do it.
Okay.
(PANTING) - That's good.
- Shh.
(GRUNTING, MOANING) - (BOTH SCREAM) - What, what, what, what? I just had my gall bladder out like two weeks ago.
- Oh my God.
Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
- Okay.
- You okay? I mean, I'm fine, yeah.
So it's not the kind that you pass? No, no, that's a kidney stone.
Oh, right, right.
- (GRUNTING) - (MOANS) Yeah.
(EZRA LAUGHS) - What's funny? - Nothing, it's just crazy.
(BOTH LAUGHING) - It's okay.
- All right.
Keep going, keep going.
THE GUY: Aw, man.
Look at all those pop-up ads.
Uh, translate.
Right there.
Okay, "If you want to roll like a real Brooklyn night gangster, "then call or write a letter to this number and say you are a friend of Chad.
" Hmm.
Wow.
Uh "The hairy sales person will bring you sticky buds in a while.
" Huh.
This is a popular website? Yes, it's for tourists who want to know what's cool.
Well, it definitely explains some things.
Thank you for showing me.
- (PHONE DINGS) - And, uh, could you send me a link? - Oh, mm.
- Yeah.
I wanna translate the comments.
(PHONE BLOOPS) Well, I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip.
- Excuse me, um - Yeah? (SPEAKING JAPANESE) (SPEAKS JAPANESE) Uh, do you know where can we find a Banksy art work? Oh.
Let me let you in on a little secret.
(WHISPERS): I'm Banksy.
(LAUGHS, SPEAKS JAPANESE) (BOTH SPEAKING JAPANESE) Yeah, it's me.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) - Hey, hey.
Come on in.
- Hey.
What's going on? Not much.
How's it going? Uh, not much.
Um, thanks a lot for coming out here, man.
I'm obviously not at home right now.
At a friend's place.
- Yeah, that's cool.
- Cool.
Yeah.
Anyway, thanks.
We had some drinks and you know how it goes.
- Yeah.
Hey, what's up? - Hey.
Oh, uh, this is my colleague, um, Ms.
Farad Mrs.
Farad.
- Karen.
- Hi, Karen.
Couple of Brooklyn night gangsters, I got ya.
- EZRA: What? - (CLEARS THROAT) Shh.
Never mind.
Forget it.
So, uh, Headband, Space Queen? Both.
- All right, that's a hundred.
- FARAD: Great.
- EZRA: Uh - Can I Venmo you? - EZRA: Usually he doesn't - I guess I'm gonna start.
(PHONE DINGS) - Oh, God.
- What? I think that might have been a really dumb move.
- Why? - He knows my wife.
- We see him like every week.
- He doesn't care.
What if he does, though? They kind of have a rapport.
She took a splinter out of his foot one time.
I promise you, as long as you pay him for weed, he couldn't care less.
No, yeah, yeah.
You're probably right.
Yeah, he wouldn't say something to Reagan.
Why would he? (BOTH SIGHING) - (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) - EZRA: I got nothing but open nights here.
- I fucking hate being a teacher.
- Oh, me too.
Thursday? Um, yeah.
Well, no, I should I should probably be home on Thursday.
Well, Bill's gonna be in Houston till the 23rd, so All right, how about Friday? Uh, Friday I'm going to see Meredith Monk at BAM, so But you could come with.
(LAUGHING) Wait We can't go on a date.
Can you imagine? That'd be crazy.
How about Monday? Monday I have to grade quizzes, so Oh, okay.
Monday it is.
(SIGHS) Can't help it.
I feel a little guilty.
I don't.
I feel really good.
(PHONE CHIMING) (CHIMING CONTINUES) Yes! - What? - I'm about it! - Well, thank you.
- Yes.
- Good morning.
- Good morning! I want to kiss you so bad right now.
You better not.
(LAUGHS) Well, I got you a coffee, but Oh, cute.
I can combine these.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
- Morning.
Hello.
FARAD: How was your evening? - (SCREAMING, LAUGHING) - Can you send it to me? - Wow! - LAURYN: Don't tag me in that, the whole thing with the IRS.
(CHEERS) Gotta call my mom! - Do you know what's going on? - No.
What's going on? What is going on? I'm gonna buy a telescope with my phone right now.
We just won Take 5! LAURYN: Yeah! Shut up! What? EZRA: Are you fucking serious? - Yes, Ezzy.
- Yeah.
After you guys left Whose idea ? Oh.
Betty, Betty.
So we went to this bodega, right.
Basically, we get in there Betty says, "Let's get a ticket together.
" - Brilliant! - And then we won.
- We won! We won! - How much? - Twenty.
- Thousand? Ah! Yes, girl! I can't even say it.
PILAR: We won! Like each? No total, like total.
- LAURYN: No, girl.
Each! - Girl, each.
Wow, each! Congrats! I've never won anything in my life! - Until now.
- Like, I'm crying! I'm honestly crying! Looks like you forgot what crying is! Yes! We won some money! We won some money! - We won some money! - Wow, I fucking went home! Oh, that's right.
How's your stomach? It's not good, Pilar.
It's not good! - Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
(SCREAMING, LAUGHING) (EZRA SHOUTS) Well, I'm gonna buy every color pants I've always wanted.
- (PHONE DINGS) - - - LAURYN: Now you can pay for that therapy.
You see what I'm saying? You know what, fuck it I'm getting a motorcycle.
Girl, you can get that Botox! PILAR: Yes! Girl, look Before 20, after 20.
Money, I got money Ooh-ooh-ooh (SPEAKING IN JAPANESE) (PHONE BEEPING) Oh, boy.
And that's what a minute feels like.
Can you believe that a man did that on national TV? - I love it! - Oh.
Which television show? It's called Mr.
Rogers' Neighborhood.
Mr.
Rogers' Neighborhood.
- Yeah.
- (BOTH SPEAKING JAPANESE) Yeah, it's a children's show, but I'd also recommend it for adults.
I'd recommend it for anyone, actually.
(BOTH SPEAKING JAPANESE) Well, thank you.
BOTH: Thank you.
And don't forget: "You're special, just the way you are.
" THE GUY: Yeah.
Arigato.
THE GUY: You're gonna wanna just take a little bit.
MAN: So, like, a little nibble? THE GUY: Like a nibble of a nibble.
- Micro.
- Right, that's why it's called - Microdosing.
- Right.
I never think of my age until somebody reminds me.
WOMAN: For real, though, everyone is obsessed with you! WOMAN 2: Looks like somebody else's skin.
MAN: Tolerance to mushrooms builds quickly.
Oh.
You know, your shell is part of your skeleton.
But it's also your home.