Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e05 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) Schultz, everything ready? Yes, Herr Kommandant, as you ordered.
Good.
Herr Kommandant, shall I put the prisoners into the barracks? No, leave them alone.
I want them to see who is arriving.
Especially Hogan.
Ooh, I understand.
No, you don't.
But that's nothing new.
If Blood and Guts drags out the welcome mat, it's got to be something.
And he's smiling.
When he's smiling, he's happy.
When is he happy? When he's being a sneak.
Correct.
That's an RAF officer.
A group captain, at least.
Now, why are they taking him to special quarters? Yes, there's something going on.
Yeah, who is he? NEWKIRK: Don't worry, Colonel, we'll find out for you.
Yeah, we're going to Don't you worry about it.
We'll work day and night, sir.
We'll find out.
All right, all right.
Hold it.
Hold it.
I appreciate your spirit, but don't waste your time.
I already know who it is.
It's Group Captain James Roberts, an important RAF officer and a good friend of mine.
Now, let's find out why he's getting the VIP treatment.
( chuckling ) To a successful mission.
And to the elimination of the number one enemy of the Third Reich, Winston Churchill.
And Himmler will settle for nothing less than perfection itself.
Of course, Major.
Now, if I were in his place, I would Fortunately for Germany, you are not.
Now, is everything crystal clear? Major, it cannot fail because it is simplicity itself.
Exactly.
I knew you would understand anything simple, Klink.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Now, I believe that it would be Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan has requested to see you.
By all means, let him come in.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Our fish is nibbling at the bait.
My fish.
Colonel Klink.
Yes, Hogan, what is it, what is it? You have a new prisoner, Group Captain James Roberts, RAF.
I want to see him.
He wants to see the prisoner.
That's not surprising.
That's not surprising.
Of course, now that I've made the request, I'm sure you'll deny it.
He says we'll deny it.
We will? We will? As senior officer here, I'm entitled to talk to any new prisoner brought into this stalag, and you know it.
If I'm not allowed to see him, it'll be in direct violation of the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention, and I'll make a formal complaint to the Red Cross and the protecting power.
Very well, you may see the prisoner.
You may see the prisoner.
And believe me, when word gets back to the big boys on our side, you'll see what happens to Ger What did you say? I said you may see the prisoner anytime you like.
There you are, Hogan.
Your request has been granted.
You guys ought to give me a little notice when you're going to do something decent.
Really? Yeah.
I faint very easily.
I went along on a recon mission over the French coast to have a look at their fortifications.
That's when they got you? Mm.
Right.
Two Messerschmitts came up and had a proper go at us, and blasted our port engine.
I had to bail out, and I hadn't a prayer on the ground.
They nabbed me straightaway.
How long were you in Stalag 9? Oh, roughly two months, I'd say.
They behaved decently enough, for Jerries, but still jolly strenuous.
Interrogation? Days of it; weeks, in fact.
They never gave me a moment of privacy.
They took pictures of me, they recorded my voice while they questioned me.
Recorded your voice-- why? I haven't the foggiest, old boy.
But you know the way the Krauts are-- they're sticklers for detail.
Never miss a trick.
Yeah, I know.
Hogan, what are you doing? Oh, nothing.
Just stretching.
Well, um, how are you getting on here in Stalag 13? Oh, deliriously happy.
I must say it's a rather grubby- looking place.
I did ask for a P.
O.
W.
camp on the French Riviera, but they couldn't get me a reservation.
It seems they, uh, they were all full up for the season.
"All full up for the season.
" Heh, that's jolly good.
Our little plan seems to be going well.
Our little plan? Ah, the Gestapo is most efficient, I always say.
Thank you, Klink.
Now be quiet.
Well, Robbie, I guess I'll be going along.
Well, awfully decent of you to stop by.
I'll try to stop by again tomorrow if the Krauts let me.
Jolly good.
So long.
Krauts are up to something big, and I think it may involve you.
What did they question you about at Stalag 9? Everything.
They know I'm on Air Marshal Tittle's staff, RAF liaison with the War Council; that I attend briefings they give Sir Winston.
Very convenient.
They fell all over themselves giving me permission to see you, and alone.
Again, why? That's anybody's guess.
Time to stop guessing and find out.
Robbie-- I can't believe he'd have anything to do with killing Churchill.
He said it himself-- he can get near Churchill.
The Krauts are treating him very nicely.
I think he sold out.
Him collaborate with the Nazis? That man over there is British.
Not Robbie.
I'm sorry, Newkirk, we've got to consider it.
Even if he was involved, why transfer him to Stalag 13? The Krauts had him on ice at Stalag 9.
Colonel.
Colonel, there's something going on in Klink's office.
I had the bug tuned in, and I heard them talking.
It sounds important.
And so far, every detail of our plan has worked beautifully.
Yes, beautifully.
Major, I've been through a good deal in the last few months without being told anything.
They've got Roberts in there.
Oui, and he's making noises like one of them.
Now I should like to know-- exactly what is my mission? You have been chosen to kill the greatest enemy we Germans have in this war-- Winston Churchill.
Voilà.
The sellout.
No, he won't do it.
Right, sir, not one of our lads.
Major I am honored.
That bleedin' traitor.
Hold it.
Oh, I, too, am honored.
I mean, I'm honored to be part of this.
Group Captain Roberts has the highest security clearance.
He is frequently near Churchill when the British War Council meets.
On one of those occasions, you will shoot him.
And please, don't miss him.
( chuckling ) I mean, the major has gone through a lot of trouble to set this up.
This has been very expensive.
You will be flown from here to the Belgian coast.
There you will take a small boat across the channel-- the final leg of your miraculous escape from the Germans.
I understand, sir.
And when does the major leave? Not when, but how is most important.
For purposes of your cover story, you will ask Colonel Hogan to help you escape from here.
The Commandant will make sure you are not caught in the act.
Very ingenuous.
Major Hochstetter, there has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
Now, you're destroying a brilliant record.
We can destroy Stalag or your own brilliant record will come to an end on the Russian front, about ten minutes after you arrive there.
Your choice.
I think you're going to have a marvelous escape.
Good luck.
Thank you, sir.
All right, Klink.
Bring in our guest.
Fraulein Hilda, send in our guest.
In heaven's name?! Group Captain Roberts, Leutnant Baumann.
Group Captain.
He could be my twin.
In a way, he is.
( chuckling ): He is.
A double.
Those twisters! C'est pas croyable! They can't do that.
It's illegal.
Fantastic! They do wonders with plastic surgery.
I have this friend in Dusseldorf, a Mrs.
Schrenk, charming woman, slight sag around the chin, well, you know how it is.
Anyway, she phoned this certain Dr.
Halstrocker, now, he advised her Not now, Klink.
This is monstrous.
He certainly looked a great deal like you to start, but the surgeons have done a remarkable job, no? The pictures.
That's why you took those pictures of me.
Yes, indeed, Group Captain.
From the beginning, it's been rather a lark.
Uh, jolly good fun, actually.
He's even imitated my voice.
Of course-- the recordings.
Colonel, how'd they get the double in the camp without us seeing him? That's what I'd like to know.
They could've sneaked him in any night.
We're supposed to know everything that goes on around here.
That's what I thought.
Well, I am satisfied.
So am I.
I am glad.
I don't think we need detain Group Captain Roberts any longer, Colonel.
Oh, of course not, Major.
We shall move you to slightly less comfortable quarters, but much more, shall I say, uh uh, colorful? Whatever it is you're planning, you won't get away with it, I promise you that.
Guard! Carter, outside.
See where they take him.
Back on the double.
Right, Colonel.
Now, there remains one important test, the real reason you were brought here.
Today you will move into Captain Roberts' quarters.
Then you will ask to see your friend, Colonel Hogan.
And he must believe that I am Roberts.
Exactly.
They were very good friends when Hogan was assigned to the RAF.
If you can deceive him, you are ready for your mission.
And I think he can do it, Major.
There is one final detail.
This was developed by the Gestapo Section A.
It is carried strapped to the forearm so-- under the tunic, of course-- and fired by muscular action.
( click ) Well, that is certainly can't-miss.
HOGAN: When he shakes hands with Churchill, he fires the gun.
There's a shot that'll be heard round the world.
Colonel, can't we stop it? I mean, that's Winnie they're talking about blasting.
Well, we can notify London Sure, then they'll grab the assassin before he can do any harm.
That's it, kids, warm up the tubes a bit.
But it won't save Roberts.
The Krauts can't afford to have two Captain Roberts running around.
So they'll kill the real one, huh? Five minutes after the phony takes off.
Can't we spring Roberts? How? We haven't got a chance.
That's about all we do have is one chance.
They put Roberts in the cooler, sir.
Do we still have a branch tunnel leading in there? Yes, it connects with the emergency tunnel.
Well, let's get him out tonight.
We can't move Roberts until we're sure we have his double stopped.
No problem there, sir.
You just give me one of our guns, and I'll put a nice little hole right between his eyes.
That might not stop him, but it'll slow him down a bit.
Great.
Great.
And then the Gestapo stops us with a firing squad.
Sir, we just can't let them have a shot at old Winnie.
HOGAN: I'm with you, Newkirk.
I mean, the war wouldn't be the same without him.
Ah, you got it! Come on, Colonel, it's your turn! Let's go.
Let's go, coach.
Let's go.
( cheers ) NEWKIRK: Hi.
Very nice.
We checked the tunnel that goes into the cooler.
First-class conditions, sir.
No cave-ins anywhere.
Use it anytime you want.
Good.
Hey, you know, maybe after the war, we ought to get a job digging tunnels.
Yeah, we can go from jail to jail, charge by the foot.
Use the money to pay your psychiatrist.
I don't need a psychiatrist.
Yes, it may be a little late, at that.
SCHULTZ: Hogan! Yeah, Schultz? Captain Roberts wants to see you.
All right.
Did you check it with Klink first? Ja, Commandant Klink says you can have ten minutes with the prisoner.
Ten minutes?! Oh, come on, Schultz.
Hardly long enough to eat a chocolate bar.
Eat slowly.
KINCH: Hey, Schultz.
Come on.
LeBEAU: Come on, Schultzy.
Throw one up.
Come on, throw one up.
Here we go.
Come on, Schultzy.
Come on Escape? Right.
I have no idea what the Jerries have in mind for me.
I'd rather take my chances.
This is not just an ordinary Stalag.
There's never been a successful escape.
Well perhaps I can, uh, reverse the trend.
A perfect no escape record.
Now, if all the stalags in Germany could Klink, you're blowing up like a pouter pigeon.
Listen.
It'll take us weeks to dig a tunnel for you.
No, no, that's out of the question.
I want to do this rather the simple, direct way.
Robbie, you're dealing with the toughest commandant in Germany.
Behind that stupid expression, there's a monster.
Look, I didn't have a chance to tell you when you were last here, but I managed to bring a pair of wire cutters from Stalag 9.
You just go out and cut the wire and get away? Exactly.
The Huns won't expect anything so bold and simple.
It just might work, if we insured it with a diversion.
Jolly good idea.
A diversion would help.
I'll have one of my boys start something at the other end of camp.
Should draw the Krauts away from you.
Excellent.
That'll give me a fighting chance.
Look, should we lay it on for tonight? Good, 9:00.
That's when they change the guards.
They're a little disorganized.
Righto.
Well, how can I ever thank you, Hogan? When you get to England, give my regards to Churchill.
Churchill.
Oh, yes, of course, Old Winnie.
Yes, I'll do that.
Perfect! It's going like clockwork.
We must have a car waiting to take Baumann to the airfield.
Oh, I'll arrange that.
You can depend on me, Major.
I will arrange it.
I'd rather depend on me.
Well, now that you mention it, so would I.
All right, stick to the schedule, and it should work.
Well, what if anything goes wrong? Don't be afraid to use them.
Car's waiting on the road, sir.
German efficiency.
There are two goons in the front seat.
All right, Kinch, Newkirk, move out.
Right, sir.
Right.
Boy, I miss all the action.
Stop complaining.
This whole operation depends on you.
You all set? Sure, I cook while everybody else fights a war.
I'll see that de Gaulle gives you an oak leaf cluster and a crepe suzette.
Now move.
Sir, I want you to meet your replacement.
Oh.
Time to go home, sir.
The bus is waiting.
Oh, jolly good.
There you go.
I think he's gaining weight.
( knocking on door ) All set? We'll go through the window.
OFFICER: Halt! Leutnant Baumann? ( speaking German ) There they are! Moving toward the wire.
Has the guards been alerted? The men guarding the wire have been told to look the other way.
Sergeant Schultz is watching the Englander in the cooler.
I have taken care of everything.
Excellent, Klink.
Leutnant Baumann ( speaking German ) Speak in English, you fool.
I'm Group Captain James Roberts, RAF.
Yes, sir.
All right, let's get on with it.
( engine starting ) Ooh.
Potato pancakes.
I made some extra.
( speaking German ) Let me get a few to the captain.
It's against order! Nobody goes in there.
Oh, come on, Schultzy.
You're not supposed to be out of the barracks! You're not supposed to be here.
You're not supposed to go in there.
Okay, you win.
Wait a minute.
Shh.
Don't be so hasty.
Come on, hurry it up, Robbie.
You said there'd be a diversion-- when? Don't worry.
Cut, cut.
Captain Captain, one of the prisoners has a surprise for you.
Hello, Captain.
Captain? That's not Captain Roberts.
He must have sneaked out.
I bet he's trying to escape.
Ooh, we're in trouble.
Where would he go? Try the wire near the main gate.
Right.
How did you know? If I was going to escape, that's where I would go.
Okay.
Keep the pancakes warm.
Aha! Halt! I caught you in time! Don't shoot, comrade! Put your hands up.
They got us.
So, Captain Roberts, huh? ( speaking German ) Hauptman Roberts.
( speaking German ) Leutnant Baumann ( speaking German ) Leutnant Baumann? Don't listen to him, Schultz.
English officers are very clever.
He's trying to confuse you.
( speaking German ) Give up, Robbie.
You're going to get us shot.
Better lock him up.
He's dangerous, Schultz.
I demand to see Major Hochstetter.
Put him back into the cooler.
If he tries anything, shoot him.
I'll report you to the commandant.
Come on! ( Roberts and Schultz speaking German ) Want me to come along, Schultz? Yes, it would be very nice.
Especially when you were trying to help him to escape.
March! Ja? Ja? How-How long? Excellent, excellent.
Good work.
Ja.
Heil Hitler.
( laughs ) The airfield reports that Baumann-alias-Roberts took off for Belgium five minutes ago.
Oh, marvelous news, Major.
Congratulations to both of us.
Both of us? Well, I'd like to feel I had a small part in it.
Yeah, very small.
In your report to the Gestapo, could you possibly? Herr Kommandant! Not now, Schultz.
Could you possibly? Herr Kommandant! I am reporting that I captured the prisoner who was trying to escape.
That's true.
Obviously, the diversion.
Yes, of course, the diversion.
I'd like to make a confession.
Sergeant Schultz gets full credit.
All right, Hogan, some other time.
In your report, Major, please mention my name.
I If I do something wrong, it's no good.
If I do something right, it's no good, either.
Well, don't worry, Schultz.
I'll see that you get full credit for the capture.
Oh, you're nice, Colonel Hogan.
You might be my enemy, but sometimes, you are also my friend.
Look at it this way, Schultz.
If you got me as a friend, you don't really need an enemy.
Thank you.
Anytime, Schultz.
Anytime.
Ah, Major, here's your prisoner.
So, Sergeant Schultz, you caught Group Captain Roberts, huh? Good work, Sergeant.
I am not Group Captain Roberts.
I am Leutnant Baumann.
He keeps saying that.
If you are Leutnant Baumann, then speak German.
What was your mission? Winston Churchill ( speaking German ) Oh, this can't be! And I just had the report that the Englishman then crossed the Channel early this morning protected by the Luftwaffe.
Klink, I will mention you in my report! But I don't understand.
I You're a very clever adversary, Colonel Hogan.
My congratulation.
Thanks.
( gunshot ) Hogan! Well, don't blame me.
I didn't know his arm was loaded.