Home Economics (2021) s03e05 Episode Script

1
Sorry we're late.
Was there a lot of traffic
coming from upstairs?
I blame that fancy
mattress in the guest bedroom.
I swear, we never used to sleep in.
I know!
To think I went my entire life
without knowing
that I was an eight medium firm
with a ten-degree leg elevation.
Go 40 degrees or go home.
Well, I barely slept.
I'm too excited about my appearance
on "Live with Kelly and Ryan."
Really? You're going to be
on "Live with Kelly and Ryan"?
- I had no idea!
- Seriously?
I've been talking about it so much
Oh, you're being mean. Okay, got it.
Aw, it's like my dream come true.
I know, all that hard work,
finally paying off.
Right, your thing,
but, also, I'm going
to be in the same room
as Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest.
When I was a stay-at-home mum,
they were the only adults
that would keep me company, so
Yeah, a couple times I walked in
on her talking back to the TV.
Actually a little creepy.
Oh, that's our landlord,
probably calling to give more excuses
as to why our apartment's not ready.
I don't know why these
repairs are taking so long.
It's not like the apartment
was nice before.
Hey, don't tell them,
but the suite I booked
at our hotel in New York
is bigger than their apartment.
"Our hotel"? So you're coming with us?
Yeah, Tom, I'm your publisher.
Got to be there to make sure
the interview goes well.
Right, right, right.
Connor, look, I'm so appreciative
of everything you've done for me.
You've been very, very present.
Stop.
But I think I can handle
this one all by myself.
Oh. Yeah, great.
- I'm really proud of you, man.
- Thank you.
Wow. That means a lot.
You're still coming, aren't you?
- Oh, absolutely.
- I thought so.
So what's the bad news now
Another week of repairs, two?
Oh, the apartment's ready today?
Like, today today?
Wow. No, that's yeah.
Uh-huh, thank you for the update.
- The apartment is ready.
- Oh, good.
- Finally.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- Back to our regular lives.
To our bed with zero leg elevation.
No Bluetooth toilet.
- Complete lack of sauna.
- Mm-hmm.
- So what's the update?
- So
- It's not ready yet!
- Oh, wow.
Yeah, I mean, you know how
these things just take forever.
Mm-hmm, yeah, I hope you don't mind us
sticking around for a little longer.
Yeah, it's fine by me,
but since I'm going to be in New York
and Gretchen's at her mum's place,
I told Lupe she could take the week off.
I'm going to visit a lover.
Would you guys be okay
to be here all alone?
- Don't worry about us.
- Yeah.
- We'll manage.
- Cool.
Thank you.
Fire up that sauna.
Mama's ready to sweat.
- Ooh!
- Mm, mm, mm, mm.
Okay, uh, the kids are at my folks'.
I packed my neck pillow, my back pillow,
my feet pillows, AKA my slippers.
Oh, hey, you're here early, man.
Flight doesn't take off
for, like, five hours.
Tom, why don't you have a seat?
- Have a seat, Tom.
- Okay.
If this is about seeing
"Aladdin" on Broadway,
I can do that by myself.
We think it'd be a good idea
to do some media training
before New York.
What are you talking about?
I don't need media training.
I've been doing interviews for weeks.
Yeah, that's why we're worried.
Yeah.
And when you're taking the
raw material of your own life
and transubstantiating
that into fiction,
you're faced with
the existential question of,
what is truth?
Reminds me of something
that Jonathan Franzen wrote
when he was asked what role
literature plays
in a post-democratic world.
I don't know if we're watching
the same interview here,
guys, but I am killing it.
Honey, let's be honest.
You're long-winded,
and you come across as
Don't take this the wrong way
A total douche.
So what's the right way to take that?
And what's up with the hand?
You know, you look like you're
working a grill at Benihana.
People love this. Look at the comments.
All right, this person
called me a real cutie.
Check the username on that one.
"TommysMommyMuriel."
Okay, that could be anybody.
Look, if you want this book to sell,
you're going to have to appeal
to more than just our mum, all right?
You're going to be on national TV.
Let's do a practice interview.
I can help.
I've seen every single episode
of "Kelly and Ryan."
I know what a good interview looks like.
You want to be 2016 Jerry O'Connell,
not 2019 Jerry O'Connell.
- Okay, sure, I guess.
- Great.
Let's get some duct tape
for those hands.
You know, every time
I go to the bathroom,
- I discover something new.
- Same!
Did you know the rain shower
has a monsoon setting?
- So does the bidet.
- Oh, my God.
Mm.
So what should we do next?
Maybe watch something
in the home theatre?
Ooh, HGTV in HDTV?
You know, there's that new movie
where Laura Dern throws
a glass of wine at the wall.
- I love when she does that.
- I love when she does that.
Hey, uh, since we're off
from school tomorrow,
could I invite a friend to sleep over?
Ooh, I don't know, sweetie.
This is Uncle Connor's house.
Yeah. So invite more than one!
- There's all this room!
- Yeah, go crazy!
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
And then I come home,
and I find Mark in the kitchen
with nothing on but an apron.
He cooked a four-course meal
from scratch.
And he was the dessert!
I just went antiquing with
the Kardashians last weekend,
and I got to tell you,
Khloe loves a credenza.
Oh, does she?
So are you gonna introduce me or
I'm getting there, Tom.
So please welcome the author
of the new novel,
"Home Economics," Tom Hayworth!
- Hey!
- Thanks for coming by.
Okay.
So, Tom, I read and loved your book.
And I got to say, talk about it.
Sure.
Uh, thank you.
It's a roman à clef,
as the French said
All right,
Tom, this answer already sucks.
And I'm obviously speaking
as Connor here,
because Ryan would never be that rude.
Try kicking it off
with a self-deprecating joke.
Kelly will love that.
Yeah, something like, "Are we
sure this isn't a big mistake?
Did you mean to book Stephen King?"
Or, "Oh, I really stressed
out your makeup team.
They said they'd never seen
someone so pale."
Or like, "They asked me backstage
"what kind of hairstyle
I wanted, and I said,
'Give me the full Tig Notaro.'"
Yes.
Great. Any others?
"The wardrobe team didn't
know what to do with me.
They said it was like
dressing a scarecrow."
- A praying mantis.
- A boy on stilts.
A stale cake pop.
Thanks.
So are the characters really based
on your actual family members?
Well, they were a launching point,
but eventually my imagination
Boring.
Can I just finish one answer, please?
So, Tom, is this one
of those books that has themes?
Yes.
Uh, as I see it, the story
is really about fairness
Stop looking at your feet.
- Tom, eye contact.
- Right.
Why our self-worth is so tied to money.
Okay, this is too much eye contact.
You're freaking me out, man.
Ultimately, I hope that the readers
see their own families
reflected in these pages.
- Now you sound like Marty McFly.
- Oh, my God, I totally hear it.
What? No, come on!
I do not sound like Michael J. Fox.
You know what? Screw this.
- This interview's over!
- Honey, come on!
No! If anything, you guys are
just making me more nervous.
And, yes, I know I'm all
over the place with my hands.
We're just trying to help.
Yeah, Tom, this is your big moment.
You've worked so hard to get here.
Okay, let's break it down
to three simple rules
Relax, don't ramble,
and never look at the camera.
You do those three things,
the books will fly off the shelves.
Okay, yeah. Let's just keep going.
And we'll be right back
with more Tom Hayworth.
So, as I said to Chelsea last week,
I looked at her and said
Sorry, are we still doing this?
We're on break, Tom.
Save it for the air.
I know I said sending
Shamiah to Windmount
with all those rich kids was a bad idea,
but I feel like she's
fitting in really well.
Yeah, looks like that's
another thing I'm right about.
Not that I'm keeping track,
but the score is 17-3.
It's been a bad month.
It was so embarrassing!
What do you
think they're talking about
Their crushes?
I saw you talking to Xander
in the hallway.
- Is that a thing?
- He's cute.
We'll see.
He lives in this neighbourhood.
- Have you guys hung out?
- Uh, no.
Um
we're new here.
My mums only bought this place
a few months ago.
They bought it from Matt Damon
You know, from the crypto commercial.
It's not as big as our old house,
but we're making it work.
I told you sending
her to that school was a bad idea.
- 16-4!
- Yeah.
No, that really happened.
That really happened.
So, anyway, if you think
your family is crazy,
then you're going to love
reading my book.
Oh, good stuff!
Just say all that out there,
and you'll be great.
Okay.
Why don't you hop on over to makeup?
- You're on in 15.
- All right.
So, um, how many of these
mugs do you think we can take?
I'd say it's probably
a one-mug limit, yeah.
- Aw.
- Hey.
Hey, how was the pre-interview?
Great. She said for a novelist,
I'm surprisingly normal.
- Ah!
- Okay.
Okay, just remember
Relax, don't ramble,
don't look at the camera.
Honey, I'm going to be fine.
I know this is my big moment.
Not going to blow it.
No, of course you're not.
I'm not worried.
Okay, I'm going to go
get some makeup on.
I'm going to be a star.
- Oh, no.
- I'm worried.
Yeah, I'm going to go
talk to that producer.
Yeah, and I'm going to see how much
of this "Kelly and Ryan" swag
I can stuff in my purse.
Okay.
Hey, you guys are going
to take it easy on Tom, right?
I don't want this turning
into one of those "gotcha" interviews.
This is daytime television.
We don't do that.
Oh, good to know. Good to know.
Just looking out for my big brother.
"Brother"? I thought
you were the publisher.
Oh, I'm both.
Yeah, the publishing company
was going bankrupt,
so I bought it
so the book would come out.
Wow, that's impressive.
Yeah, well, you know,
I'm a pretty generous guy.
Thought about adopting
a dog once, actually.
There's our pretty little liar,
acting like everything's fine.
I was tossing and turning
about it all last night
well, for, like, five minutes.
That mattress really rocks you to sleep.
It cradles you into submission.
Mm-hmm.
I know it's intimidating
going to Windmount
with all those rich kids,
but I do not like the idea of her lying.
We should talk to her about it, now,
before Tom's interview.
Good idea.
Hey, Shamiah?
Can you come out here for a second?
Yeah.
This coffee's really good.
Yeah, Connor has the beans
shipped directly from Honduras.
You can taste it.
- Uh, what's up?
- Oh, nothing.
Just drinking our coffee
in front of our house
that we bought with our money.
You heard me?
Yeah.
Look, we know that there are
not a lot of families like us
at Windmount, but you should
be proud of who you are.
And this could be a real
teachable moment,
you know, for your friends.
We can talk about income
inequality and the wage gap.
And we can all sit down
together and talk about it.
You don't have to do this alone.
Yeah. You're right.
I should come clean.
- Thanks for having my back.
- Of course, sweetie.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- There's our girl.
- Yeah.
- I knew she'd get it.
- Yeah.
Also, did we just totally
nail that parenting moment?
- We really did.
- We did.
Oh, whoops.
Okay, I think she
must have locked by accident.
Shamiah?
Sweetie, I think the door
locked behind you.
- The door.
- The door.
- Shamiah?
- The door.
Do you
Did she just
Lock us out? She sure did.
Shamiah!
Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
I mean, you never know
what's going to happen
when Jerry O'Connell stops by.
All right, our next guest
is the author of my new favourite novel,
"Home Economics,"
which hits stores today.
Please welcome Tom Hayworth.
- So nice to meet you.
- Welcome!
- Hi, Tom, good to have you.
- Thanks.
I've got to tell you,
I'm so happy you're here.
I have been raving about your book.
Wow. This is that's heavy.
- Oh, no.
- Full McFly.
We're dead.
Sorry, I'm like
I'm really nervous.
I need this interview to go well.
My last book bombed so hard,
they couldn't give away
free copies to libraries.
Well, this one's going to be a hit.
I promise you, I could not put it down.
Yeah, she's been ignoring me for days.
That is true.
I especially loved the wife character.
She was so sharp and so relatable.
I wanted to be friends with her.
That's me. She's talking about me.
That's actually based
on my wife, Marina.
She's here today.
Oh! No way!
Hi! Hi, Marina!
Hi!
I'm Kelly.
You're Mari Don't look at the camera.
Mm!
What are you doing after the show?
You want to brunch?
I love you.
Okay. All right.
So you clearly took
some dramatic liberties
with the character.
Yeah, well, she's normally
better.
Now, our producers
tell us that your brother
is the reason your book
actually got published.
Oh, well, uh, yeah,
I wouldn't say the reason.
And he's here with us right now.
Connor Hayworth, is it true
that you saved the book?
Oh, it was nothing.
Just a little bro looking out
for his big bro.
He would've done the same for me.
- Aw.
- That is so sweet!
- Adorable.
- Come on up here.
I'm sure our audience would
love to hear the whole story.
- Come on up.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Oh, come on.
Let's give it up for him, everybody!
You sure you want someone onstage
better-looking than Ryan?
This guy's a charmer!
- Come on, have a seat.
- Adorable.
- Hi!
- Oh.
All right.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you the guy
behind Drawer D'Oeuvres?
That's me.
Dude, he knows Drawer D'Oeuvres.
Great.
The guy has 50 windows.
How does not a single one of them open?
- Oh, I see Kelvin!
- Ooh, ooh!
- Kelvin!
- Kelvin!
Die, zombie!
Die!
Okay, he's not allowed
to play that game anymore.
Tom's interview just started.
Wait, why is Connor onstage?
Oh, no, this can't be good.
And we're missing it.
Kelvin!
I can't believe you spent
all that money to save Tom.
I don't even send my sister
a Christmas card.
Facts.
I mean, what was your reaction, Tom?
It had to make you feel good
to know that your brother was willing
to give you such a generous gift.
Oh, yeah, well, obviously,
I was very grateful,
which actually ties
to the theme of the book,
which is that siblings can
Well, actually, when he found
out, he got mad at me
and picked a fight on our family trip
to Disneyland, which I also paid for.
Mm.
In my defence, I didn't know
Connor was going to venture
into publishing,
especially since I've never
seen him crack open a book,
so
Well, who has time to read
when you're busy bailing out
your brother all the time,
right?
What was your excuse in high school?
I did all his homework for him.
Can I Give me the mug. No, come on.
You took the chair. I get the mug.
Guys, can we get another mug
out here, please?
Am I going to have to put you
in a time-out
like I do Seacrest?
- Because I'll do it.
- She will.
It's my interview. It's my mug.
No, no, no. Ah!
He wet the bed until he was ten!
Oh.
- Guys.
- Uh
Well, I'm no longer
the embarrassing one.
So, about the book
Yeah, it's about three siblings
at three different levels
of financial success.
What are you doing, man?
We're on live TV!
I can't believe you
told everyone I P'd the B!
Guys, come on! Stop!
I'm so sor
Oh, you're even
prettier up close, your hair.
Hey, can we get her off set?
Yeah, let's take a break.
We'll be right back.
You smell amazing.
Did it really just take us an hour
to circle Connor's house?
When did he install a hedge maze?
I told you we should
have taken that left.
I can't believe Shamiah!
We always taught her that
material things don't matter.
Why would she suddenly think
that our life wasn't good enough?
I don't know, but I'm too
thirsty for this conversation.
I could really use that cucumber water.
Yeah, and maybe a bubble bath
in the Jacuzzi,
just, like,
turn the jets all the way up.
- That sounds so nice.
- Yeah.
- We're the problem.
- Oh, it's us.
- It's definitely us.
- Yeah.
I mean, we did delay going home
so we could live it up here.
What kind of message is that sending?
It's so much harder
to be mad at her now.
Ladies, could you back away
from the residence, please?
A neighbour called
about trespassers
peeking through windows.
Oh. Yeah, well, that was us.
But we weren't peeking.
We were trying to open the windows.
- And we're not trespassing.
- Yeah, this is our residence.
I mean, it's not our residence.
It's our brother's residence.
Well, it's not my brother.
It's her brother's residence.
Right, but right now he is
on "Live with Kelly and Ryan."
I'm not totally sure why.
The point is, we're not
pretending this is our home.
We know it's not our home.
But we are trying
to get into the home, so
I'm gonna need some backup.
- Okay, come with me.
- Oh, no.
- No, no.
- Wait!
They're telling the truth.
We actually live
in a tiny apartment in Oakland
with a view of a fire escape.
But I didn't lie about everything.
I do think Xander is cute.
So you're poor?
I mean, we're not poor,
but compared to you, yes.
That
absolutely
slaps.
Wait, it slaps?
Everyone else in our
school is, like, super rich.
It's so boring.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, totally.
Oh, really?
Well, did I mention
that we only have one bathroom?
Like, on each floor?
We only have one floor.
- Shut up!
- What?
So you all share? I would die!
Yeah, and there's no dishwasher,
and the windows don't open.
And one time we found a rat
that was decapitated
Okay, I think they've heard enough.
Girls, why don't you grab your stuff?
Your parents will be here any minute.
Okay.
Sorry for locking you guys out.
It's okay.
I think we all got seduced
by this fantasy.
Mm-hmm, but you're still super grounded
because you can't lock
your mums outside.
I get it. But can I
No, you cannot be grounded here.
It's time for us to go home.
Well, I killed all those zombies.
What?
Brunch.
Kelly wanted to grab brunch with me,
and I completely blew it.
Well, I was absolutely crushing it
until someone decided to rush
the stage and ruin everything.
I didn't rush the stage. I was invited.
After all that talk
about how this was going
to be my big moment,
you just couldn't help
yourself, could you?
You had to make it
all about you, like always.
I was being a good sport.
It's your fault for not
playing along with it.
I never should let you come.
I never should have bought this company.
Hey, hey, dummies. Look.
Oh, my God. It's out.
It's beautiful.
Wow.
Is this what giving birth feels like?
Yeah. Sure.
Hey, you know what, man?
- It was all worth it.
- Yeah.
Sorry I ruined the launch, though.
No, come on.
We ruined it together.
Hey, look, look, look.
Someone's about to buy it.
I saw the author and his brother
fighting on TV this morning.
It was hilarious.
Maybe you didn't mess
things up after all.
No such thing as bad press, right?
I mean, they were such idiots.
I mean, it was maybe
the most embarrassing thing
I've ever seen.
Okay, pump the brakes, man.
You know, I'd like
to see you on network TV.
That was good content!
You know what? Give him his money back.
- You don't get the book.
- Oh
Give the book back.
You give him his money back.
Get the money, but
- Buy the book
- No, no, don't
- Get the money.
- But just shut up about us.
Just give me the mug.
No, it's my interview. It's my mug.
No, no, no.
He wet the bed until he was ten!
It's up to 200,000 views.
Wow, Dad. You're famous.
Oh, well, as long as it
helps book sales.
Have you read the comments?
People are obsessed with you.
Really?
Okay, Camilla, "obsessed"
might be a little strong.
Yeah, it's about three siblings
at three different levels
of financial success.
What the What are you doing, man?
We're on live TV!
I can't believe you
told everyone I P'd the B!
Guys, come on, stop! I'm so
I have been raving about your book.
I'm really nervous.
I need this interview to go well.
This one's gonna be a hit.
Well, I don't know how many fans I have,
but, yeah, I'll be doing some readings.
I'd be excited to meet some fans.