Ideal (2005) s03e05 Episode Script

For someone who's been inside for the last few months, he's got quite a tan on him.
Carmel lost her memory and I'm helping her get it back.
Can you sell us an eighth? It's true.
I'm a necrophiliac.
Couldn't be a nymphomaniac, could she? No.
Are youse two in a gang? We are a gang.
Me and him.
STEVE: Can I join? - Do you know who his real dad is? - Aye, it's me.
MOZ: We're on the roof of a burning building.
Sorry.
Damn! I forgot to phone Mum.
Again.
There's always another thing to do.
It's like, feed, wipe, wash.
Feed, wipe, wash.
Forever.
Yeah, and that backlog of fellatio ain't going away.
- Nicki.
- No.
Sorry.
It's not that I don't want to, it's just Well, I'm utterly exhausted.
Yeah, but don't you remember last night when you said, "Maybe tomorrow night.
" And remember all those times you said you'd put up those shelves in the kitchen? Yeah, but I got to find the right kind of screw.
Uh, yeah.
Well, you're not finding it here.
I've had no sleep at all the last two nights.
Come on.
I'll do all the leg work.
With your one good leg? Soz, Moz.
Maybe tomorrow.
NICKI: Hmm? All right.
Look, you can play with my breasts for 10 minutes, but then I am going to sleep.
Cheers, ducky.
There's this nine-month build-up to the birth and all the time you're counting down to the labour.
But suddenly, it's been and gone.
You and your baby hit the ground running and you keep running.
And that's motherhood.
Right.
And who's in it? - Who's in what? - Motherhood.
The running film? It's not a film.
I'm talking about me and you.
I can't run.
It's bad for me trainers.
No.
What I'm saying is, it's difficult being a mum.
Well, it is for me anyway.
No, ta.
Oh, Jen, I think I'm losing my mind.
I've had hallucinations.
Oh, you're probably just imagining them.
- Even so Hiya, Moz.
Hey, have you got any more of that sticky black? Yeah, Jen.
It's what I call me pot leg.
- Oh! - Fifteen notes, ta.
Ta.
How is your leg? It's boshty, Jen.
Pure boshty.
Mind you, falling off your roof.
Could have been a lot worse, couldn't it? Look what happened to Emu.
Hi, hi.
Moz, this is Peter.
Peter, Moz.
- Ain't he scrummy? - So very pleased to meet you.
Rocking good news.
Peter is an Elvis impersonator, aren't you? Uh-huh.
Oh, well.
It's all starting to make sense.
- Do you wear a black wig? - Uh-uh.
What, ginger Elvis? Does that not upset the purists? Wouldn't it be like having a blond Pingu? No.
Peter's hair is his USP.
- Eh? - Unique selling point.
His show's called viva Red vegas.
He does ginger covers of all t'classics.
Love Me Ginger.
Are You Ginger Tonight? - Return To Ginger.
- Let Me Be Your Titian Bear.
It's all good.
Nicki in? Yeah, she's in, but I wouldn't risk it if I were you, Brian.
She's like a shark with a sore arse for a head, with teeth.
Between me, you and King, - I think she's starting to lose it.
- Come on.
- She can't be that bad.
- NICKl: Right! I've expressed some milk for his next feed, and I am going back to bed for two hours.
I am shutting that living room door and if anyone wakes me, I will take them out with this potato peeler.
Understood? A ginger Elvis? Come off it.
- All right, Bri? - Hi, hi.
Woman's all shook up.
She's certainly not the low-maintenance slapper who stole me heart.
No, but she'll not get any worse, will she? Where the cocking fuck is my relaxation CD? - Classic Chilled Classics? - Yeah.
"Includes Strauss, Satie and Dvorak "as featured on the adverts for Hovis, Hamlet and Kwik-Fit.
" It's right good, is culture, innit? Hey, there's nowt more cultured than Hovis.
Give it here.
It's like living with a Welsh Jeffrey Dahmer! Fifteen notes, ta.
Thank you very much.
Sorry.
This is just making me want a sandwich.
He's like a Duracell bunny in bed.
He just keeps going and going.
- That'll be the CopperTop.
- Yeah.
How is your sex life? Is this going to go any further? - Depends how juicy it is.
- Juicy? Tell them it's bone dry.
You meet eunuchs with racier sex lives.
- Not a dicky-bird? - No, she's not.
Closest we get to penetration is when Nicki picks the fluff out of me bellybutton.
I don't know how you cope.
If I go for more than five hours without sex, I get fractious.
Which reminds me.
You ready to rock and roll? Can you get it on your way out? I'd get it, but experts say I shouldn't.
I give and I give and I give.
Good night and God bless you all.
Elvis has left the kitchen.
Oh.
Hi, hi.
Who are you? Mrs Rupani.
I own these flats.
- Is Mr Moz in? - Hopalong Casualty.
Yeah.
He's in t'kitchen.
Uh-huh.
Mrs Rupani.
- How's Mr Rupani? - He is acceptable.
So, Mr Moz.
Your leg is still broken? No.
I just wear the cast as a fashion thing now.
I do not understand.
It's still broken.
How did you do that, then, chief? I were star gazing.
Fell off me roof.
And you just broke your leg? God was watching over you that day, eh? Sorry, who are you? These gentlemen are going to redecorate your flat and install a new heating system.
Ain't that going to be really disruptive? Not at all.
If they start today, they can be finished in - Three to four to five weeks.
- What? But that's going to cost a king's ransom in Typhoo and digestives.
I wouldn't have minded knowing about it! You do.
I just told you about it.
What more do you need to know? I'm Alan.
This is Marco.
- Ignore me.
- Done deal.
It's not like you have pets or children.
Pets and children aren't allowed.
- Where's your stopcock? - I don't think we've got one.
Under the kitchen sink.
I'll get the kettle on.
Where's them digestives you were saying about? I shall call in next week to check on how things are progressing.
Great.
What day are you coming? I cannot say which day.
I love surprises, me! You all right there, chief? Look, me missus is through there getting some zeds under her.
Now, she's morbidly frazzled.
You're going to have to keep it down a bit.
Think your milk's off.
No, that's breast milk! Pets and children aren't allowed.
Yeah, I know.
Thing is, we wanted to find somewhere else but we hadn't a chance.
First the baby came early.
Then I broke me leg and then it were Pancake Day.
Don't tell the Rupanis.
Please.
Not a problem, chief.
- Mum's the word.
- My lips are sealed up.
Oh, cheers, lads.
Thanks.
Have another swig if you fancy.
Moz? Sorry.
Is me page-turning keeping you awake? Why not have a bong? Might help you sleep.
I definitely don't need a bong.
Oh, he's nodding off.
I'm just going to take him in the other room for a little bit.
Play him some Hovis.
- Tania.
- Hi, Moz.
- It's great to see you.
- Yeah.
It's been a while, hasn't it? Remember last time we saw each other? Would you mean that time me, you and Nicki almost had that threesome? That's right.
Then she decided to opt for a shouting match instead.
It's a shame she weren't up for it.
Yeah.
So Come for a score? No.
I'm your baby's new health visitor.
Barbara's had an accident, and so I'm taking over.
You've lost weight.
It's this thing.
It's like working out.
What happened to you? Punishment beating for working up Nicki.
I've forgotten how much you used to make me laugh.
Remember Big Darren's party? You made me laugh so much, I was sick in that girl's handbag.
Happy days.
So, is Nicki and baby not home, then? Now might not be the best time.
- Sorry to bother you - Fuck off.
- The thing is - Fuck off.
- There's - Fuck off.
- Tania - Fuck off.
- But she - Fuck off.
- Right then, I'll fuck - Fuck off, yeah.
It's good to talk.
She, uh, says it is not convenient at the present time, but she might have a free window tomorrow.
Everything all right with the baby, though, yeah? Yeah, he's fine.
It's his parents who are suffering.
- You got nappy rash, then? - No.
Lack of sleep, lack of sanity and, uh, lack of sex.
Is it very hard at the moment? Hiya, Moz.
I got a split on me lip.
Only 'cause I hit you.
All right, Paul.
- All right, Tania.
- You okay? Yeah.
Are you okay? Yeah.
See you.
Bye, Moz.
You all right there, Morris? Yes, indeed.
I've lost weight.
- Got any of that sticky black left? - Shh! Got to keep it subtle.
I've got builders in.
- So, done much kidnapping recently? - Nah.
We're done with all that dodgy stuff.
We're using the cash we got from the ransom to set up a proper business.
Going 100ºxº legit.
Really? Well - What's your business? - Making porno.
People are always going to need to wank.
We're setting up some websites.
Specialist stuff.
"Tight teenage armpits.
" What the hell's bonsai bondage? Tied-up midgets.
It's a licence to print money.
Plain women in wet flares.
Are you sure? Hey, porno is all about niche marketing, Morris.
We're going to shoot some starring Cartoon Head.
I said I don't mind starring in one, but Hey, I could be in one.
I tell you my sex life could benefit from a bit of sub-contracting right now.
We're doing soft-core, too.
You know, for the pensioners.
C.
H.
Is going to do some pole dancing.
Show him.
All right, love.
We're just off.
You know, Marco, I am sensing some discontentment in this house.
Shall we pray for them? Oh, Lord, we ask you to bless this house and all who dwell within it.
We also ask you to bless this renovation work and that we might comply with local authority building regulations.
- Moz: What is that? - A crying baby, remember? NICKl: There we go.
Have this one on me.
So is this how you imagined parenthood? Not really.
I imagined me son a lot more like me, and less like one of my mates.
I know I let you down, having an affair with your best mate, and a one-night stand with Kuldip and getting pregnant.
And then having an affair with my best mate.
But things will get better.
They've got to.
It's the law of averages.
Things are tough right now, but we'll get through it.
I just need to know you're there for me.
Stop snoring, you grunty, grunty pig! - It's a very heavy half a cow.
- Yeah.
We'll eat like kings for a week.
Maybe two.
Yeah.
COLIN: Moo! - Hello.
- We need to rest our half a cow.
Moz won't mind.
I'm on probation.
COLIN: Okay, down.
Down, down, down.
- Do you like beef? - Not on me toast.
Do you want any? You can say as much as you want.
Nah, ta.
Nicki does all the food shopping.
She wouldn't like me treading on her territory.
Can I charge my phone? She's totally dead.
You don't want to bother Moz with that.
Yeah, of course you can, love.
There's a socket in the hallway.
I've got more electricity than I can possibly use.
So you're still dating Latina Amnesia? Has she not got her memory back yet? Started to.
It's terrible.
I had me fingers crossed for permanent memory loss.
This morning, she remembered her address.
Her flat's only around the corner.
We just come from there via the butcher's.
Oh, well.
It could never last, could it? Yeah, it could.
Why not? She's a high-class call girl who's lost her memory, and you've told her you're her boyfriend.
Come on, fella, you were only ever on probation.
Our sex life's amazing.
Awesome, man.
Staggering.
It's made me day, hearing that.
But never mind, you've had a good run at her.
I was helping her blossom.
I was bringing out her natural positivity.
I'm talking to Trinny and Susannah here.
What do you think this is, Col, some kind of memory loss makeover? - What Not To Remember? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, what's upsetting you, love? Come on, switch it off.
I have 60 missed calls from a guy called Enrique.
All these texts.
"Where are you?" "Where the hell are you?" "Where the fuck are you?" "Why don't you answer my calls, you bitch?" Sounds like he's really worried about you.
Do you recognise the name? No, there's a picture, but I Shall I delete him for you? Maybe it's your dad.
Papa Enrique.
He does not look like a dad.
- What does he look like? - Just a bloke.
Good looking? It's hard to tell from this.
Zoom.
Can you zoom in? Maybe, I don't remember.
- Zoom in.
- No, never mind, eh, then.
- Zoom in.
- Ah, here zoom.
- Moz: And? - Yeah, he's a pretty good-looking guy.
Ish.
Ah! It's him.
Hola, Enrique.
Everything all right, love? I am going to meet Enrique.
He says he is my boyfriend.
Sounds like he is trying to take advantage to me.
- Oh, well.
It's great while it lasted.
- Do you know what, Moz, I think I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her.
God! What, you reckon her life was really that rough? CoLIN: Carmel! Carmel! Don't slam the You still up? Do you have any idea how exhausted I am? - Very.
- No.
Very, very, very! 'Cause when I am not up in the night feeding Sanjeev or changing him, I'm laying awake listening to you snoring like a walrus in heat! God! All I ask is Moz, why is there a dead farm animal in the hall? Eh? Probably builders, for snack time.
Excuse me, Mr Builder.
- Yes, petal.
- Is this your cow? No, the young man and young lady brought it.
Young man and young lady? Colin.
I can't believe it.
Young man said he was on probation.
Get rid of it.
It's dangerous! All right, it's only a bit of meat.
A bit of meat? It's taller than most policemen.
And it's unhygienic.
You'll get all maggots wriggling out of it.
Yeah.
Thanks for that, fella.
Get rid of it.
Now! Oi! Damien Hirst! This is Moz with a quick message saying come and pick up Ermintrude, now! Nicki, are you sure you want to sleep in the airing cupboard? It's the only way I'm going to get any sleep.
You can be Mum for tonight.
Anyway, you were happy enough for your brother to sleep in there.
Troy belongs in there.
He's like a king-size Borrower.
I'm so tired, even my eyes are going on strike.
- Nicki.
- Hmm? Do you think I've lost weight? Well, do you think I've lost weight or not? Um I think I think you might have lost a little bit, yeah.
Nice one.
Up into the sky - Judith! - Oh! Fresh back from Guantánamo Bay? Sorry.
So, what's in the sack? Oh, it's for my evening class.
What are you making? Mashed potato mountain? Not my cookery class, it's for my pottery class.
It's just clay.
Clay.
- Sorry.
- Well, technically, hospital visiting hours are over, but Matron's locked herself in the cupboard, and I'm long overdue a bed bath.
Oh, I can't.
I've got my sack.
"Blackett & Sons.
" Who are they? Oh! They're my new employer.
Got a job.
- What do Blackett & Sons do? - Oh, um - They're just an undertakers.
- An undertakers? Judith, why are you dabbling with lads on slabs again? - I'm qualified.
- You're also a reformed necrophiliac.
Might there not be a conflict of interest? Oh, um I've left that all behind me now, Moz.
I just like working with the dead.
- Um, is that really so weird? - No.
Good night.
Moz: Ow! Nicki.
Nicki! Oh, I thought I were done for.
All me previous bongs flashed before me eyes.
Oh, God! This stinks like a McDonald's bargain bucket.
So do you fancy joining me in my bed for some quality time? Okay.
Why not? A more suspicious man might think there was something dodgy going on.
Moz: With blood all over her hands! You're talking about the woman I love.
Moz: I'm talking about the woman everybody's loved.
Out, Satan! Out!