Keeping Up Appearances s03e05 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) HE'S GONE TO 35.
- WHO HAS? - THE POSTMAN.
THAT'S EVERY DAY THIS WEEK HE'S BEEN TO 35.
HE'S BOUND TO HAVE SOMETHING FOR US THIS MORNING.
WELL, IF HE HAS, HE'LL DELIVER IT, IF NOT HE'LL GO PAST AGAIN.
I WON'T HAVE HIM WALKING PAST AGAIN.
NOT WHEN HE'S BEEN EVERY DAY TO NUMBER 35.
I LIKE HIM WALKING PAST-- ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT A BILL.
I FEEL QUITE FESTIVE EVERY TIME HE WALKS PAST.
I HAVE TO HOLD MY HEAD UP IN THIS COMMUNITY.
I'M LOOKED UP TO.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO THINK IF I GO THREE DAYS WITHOUT MAIL? IT'S PROBABLY ONLY JUNK MAIL GOING TO 35.
RICHARD, THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.
I WILL NOT HAVE MY JUNK MAIL GOING TO OTHER PEOPLE'S HOUSES.
- ARE YOU FINISHED, RICHARD? - I-- I THOUGHT I'D JUS HAVE A FEW MINUTES WITH THE PAPER.
YES I THOUGH YOU'D FINISHED.
NOT MUCH POIN IN BEING EARLY RETIRED, IF YOU CAN'T FIND TIME FOR A FEW MINUTES WITH THE MORNING PAPER.
OFF YOU GO THEN.
INTO YOUR GARDEN.
NOT THE GARDEN? THERE MUST BE SOMETHING OUT THERE YOU COULD BE DOING.
NOT UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO POLISH IT.
I'VE OBLITERATED EVERY WEED.
THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE THAT TONE, RICHARD.
I HOPE NOW YOU'VE GOT ALL THIS LEISURE, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WASTE YOUR TIME BEING BELLIGEREN AND ARGUMENTATIVE.
"LEISURE.
" "ALL THIS LEISURE.
" MORNING, RICHARD.
JUST OFF TO WORK, EMMET? 'FRAID SO.
IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR SOME, LUCKY OLD DOG.
( sighs ) TIME ON MY HANDS ( humming ) I'M SORRY, RICHARD.
I WASN'T THINKING.
IT'S NO ALL RIGHT, IS IT? OH, IT'S NOT SO BAD.
I THINK THAT'S THE BRAVEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
( phone ringing ) ELIZABETH, IT'S HYACINTH, DEAR.
I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU WHAT DAY IT IS.
WHAT DAY IS IT? WELL, IT'S THE DAY THAT MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGEN IS COMING FOR AFTERNOON TEA.
YOU REMEMBER, DEAR, I TOLD YOU.
SHE'S ON THE COMMITTEE FOR SAVING SOMETHING.
WHALES WAS IT? OR COULD IT BE ENGLAND? ANYWAY, IT'S NO IMPORTANT DEAR.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT I RATHER SUSPEC SHE'S GOING TO INVITE ME TO SERVE WITH HER ON HER COMMITTEE, AND I'D LIKE YOU TO BE HERE, DEAR.
THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, HYACINTH, BUT WHY DO YOU NEED ME THERE? YOU COULD MAKE HER AWARE OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MATTER.
YOU KNOW, DETAILS THAT WILL CONVINCE HER THAT I'M JUS THE SORT OF PERSON SHE'S LOOKING FOR.
DON'T OVERDO IT, OF COURSE.
I'M A GREAT BELIEVER IN SUBTLETY, AS YOU KNOW.
WELL, I'LL JUST HOVER IN THE BACKGROUND.
BUT YOU COULD PERHAPS DRAW HER ATTENTION TO MY ROYAL DOULTON WITH THE HAND PAINTED PERIWINKLES.
OH, NOT YOUR PERIWINKLES, HYACINTH.
DON'T LET ME NEAR YOUR ROYAL DOULTON.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL STAY IN THE KITCHEN WITH A BEAKER WHILE YOU TWO TALK.
NO, NO, NO, DEAR.
I WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT.
YOU'LL BE QUITE SAFE WITH MY PERIWINKLES.
GOODBYE.
ONLY IF I TIED MY HANDS BEHIND MY BACK.
- I'M WORRIED.
- ABOUT NOT GETTING UP? NO, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT NOT GETTING UP.
I ADMIRE YOU, ONSLOW, YOU CAN REALLY HANDLE THE STRESS OF NOT GETTING UP.
- I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT.
- I KNOW.
I WAS THERE.
I KEPT THINKING ABOUT RICHARD, ALONE IN THAT HOUSE WITH YOUR HYACINTH.
WELL, HE MUST BE USED TO IT BY NOW.
NOT DAY AND NIGHT.
HE USED TO HAVE TO GO TO WORK.
NOW THE POOR DEVIL'S GOT HER DAY AND NIGHT.
OH, COME ON, SHE'S NOT THAT BAD.
HOW CAN YOU LIE LIKE THAT? BECAUSE SHE'S MY SISTER.
THAT POOR TRAPPED HUMAN BEING.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT RICHARD.
GOOD, IT'S TIME YOU WERE UP.
ANY MORE TEA? AND A BACON BUTTIE WOULD BE NICE.
HELPING PEOPLE REALLY GIVES YOU AN APPETITE.
RICHARD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DEAR? WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO GROW OUT OF PLACE.
SOON AS IT MOVES, I'LL HAVE IT.
I HOPE YOU WON'T BE GOING THROUGH THIS KIND OF PERFORMANCE WHEN MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGENT COMES.
CAN'T YOU FIND SOMETHING MORE ACTIVE? I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT.
NOW I'VE GOT ALL THIS TIME, I THOUGHT I MIGHT SAIL ROUND THE WORLD SINGLE-HANDED.
OH, RICHARD! WHO'D DO ALL YOUR WASHING? I'D DO MY OWN.
THEN WHO'D BE STEERING THE BOAT, DEAR? THEY HAVE AUTOMATIC STEERING THINGS.
THAT'S MUCH EASIER.
WHAT YOU NEED IS A SENSIBLE HOBBY.
FOLLOW ME.
( mimicking ) "FOLLOW ME.
" THAT'S NOT A HOBBY, IT'S A FULL-TIME OCCUPATION.
NOW STAND THERE TILL I RETURN.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT.
JUST STAND THERE.
UNTIL WHEN? UNTIL I COME BACK AND PRESENT YOU WITH YOUR HOBBY.
- I HAVEN'T GOT A HOBBY.
- YOU HAVE NOW.
I PROBABLY COULD.
I PROBABLY COULD SAIL ROUND THE WORLD SINGLE-HANDED.
ALL ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A VAST OCEAN.
MUST BE HEAVEN.
SHE'S RIGHT ABOU THE SHIRTS THOUGH.
DON'T MOVE, RICHARD.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE, DEAR.
I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOU.
OR I COULD BUY A BICYCLE, GO FROM LAND'S END TO JOHN O' GROATS BY BICYCLE.
SAME OLD PROBLEM.
WHO DOES YOUR WASHING? CLOSE YOUR EYES.
OH, IS THAT IT? CLOSING MY EYES? IS THAT GONNA BE MY HOBBY? RICHARD, I AM ABOU TO PLACE IN YOUR HANDS SOMETHING WHICH COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
MY OWN KEY? DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD.
NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES, DEAR.
OHHH! WHAT IS IT? IT'S YOUR RETIREMENT GIFT.
THERE IS YOUR HOBBY.
THE VIDEO CAMERA.
THEY GAVE IT TO YOU WHEN YOU LEFT, AND YOU'VE NEVER BOTHERED WITH IT.
I SUPPOSE I WAS SAVING IT UNTIL SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENED.
OFF YOU GO THEN, DEAR, AND FILM SOMETHING INTERESTING.
BE ARTISTIC.
I'M ARTISTIC.
SHERIDAN'S ARTISTIC.
I'M NOT BEING THAT ARTISTIC.
( phone ringing ) OH! THAT'S PROBABLY SOMEBODY IMPORTANT.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
SHERIDAN! HOW UNCANNY OF YOU TO CALL MUMMY JUST AS WE WERE TALKING OF YOU, DEAR.
WHAT A DEEP PSYCHIC BOND WE HAVE.
IT'S ALMOS FRIGHTENING.
IF HE WANTS MONEY AGAIN, IT'S TERRIFYING.
RICHARD! I'M SO GLAD YOU TELEPHONED, SHERIDAN.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK, DEAR, ARE YOU STILL WEARING YOUR KNEE BANDAGE? AHH! WHY SHOULD PEOPLE LAUGH AT YOU IN A KNEE BANDAGE? I'VE NEVER LAUGHED AT YOU IN A KNEE BANDAGE.
I'VE ALWAYS THOUGH YOU LOOKED LIKE MUMMY'S BRAVE LITTLE SOLDIER.
WELL, PERHAPS NOT SOLDIER, DEAR.
MORE LIKE MUMMY'S BRAVE LITTLE POE OR INTERIOR DESIGNER.
AND NOW DADDY'S BECOMING ARTISTIC, TOO.
YES.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.
YES, HE'S TAKEN UP FILMING.
MMM.
IT'S VERY EXCITING.
GETS HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.
- ( camera beeping ) - YES, I THOUGHT YOU'D BE INTERESTED.
YES, OF COURSE IT ALL STARTED WHEN HE WAS PRESENTED WITH A VIDEO CAMERA FOR HIS RETIREMENT.
YES.
NOT QUITE THE ACCOLADE HE DESERVES, OF COURSE.
NO, HE'S NOT DOING I PROFESSIONALLY YET, DEAR.
I WOULD SAY AT THE MOMEN HE'S SIMPLY A GIFTED AMATEUR.
WELL, IT COULD LEAD TO THAT.
YES.
NO, I SEE NO HARM IN YOU TELLING YOUR FRIENDS THAT DADDY IS A FILMMAKER.
WELL, IT'S-- IT'S PERFECTLY TRUE.
SO TELL DADDY WHAT DEAR? OH, YES, I CAN SEE THAT.
YES, IF THEY THINK THAT DADDY IS A FILMMAKER, THEN OF COURSE WE SHALL PROBABLY HAVE TO INCREASE YOUR ALLOWANCE.
NOW, RICHARD, WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS FILM SOMETHING BRILLIANTLY FOR A BEGINNER.
AND THEN COME BACK AND SHOW IT TO US WHILE COUNCILOR MRS.
NUGENT'S STILL HERE.
I CAN'T JUST GO POINTING A CAMERA AT COMPLETE STRANGERS.
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
THEY'LL BE DELIGHTED.
THEY'LL THINK YOU'RE SOMETHING FROM THE BBC.
OOH, JUST A MINUTE.
WELL, MAYBE THIS IS HOW ALFRED HITCHCOCK BEGAN.
OH, IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? TRUST ME.
NOW YOU LOOK THE PART.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO BRING ME BACK SOME LITTLE HUMAN CAMEO, SOMETHING UPLIFTING.
OFF YOU GO, DEAR.
NOTHING VIOLENT, OF COURSE, OR DISTASTEFUL.
REMEMBER, YOU'RE NO CHANNEL FOUR.
I STILL SAY I CAN'T GO POKING A CAMERA INTO OTHER PEOPLE'S AFFAIRS.
THEN BE A SHADOW.
THE PHANTOM FILMMAKER.
DO IT FROM A PLACE OF CONCEALMENT.
SEE? OH, IT WILL BE FROM A PLACE OF CONCEALMENT, YOU CAN RELY ON THAT.
HE SAID HE'D RING.
HE SWORE HE'D RING.
WELL, SEE IF I CARE.
HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW SOME DAYS YOU JUS GET WASHED OVER BY THIS SENSE OF COSMIC EMPTINESS AND LACK OF MEANING? HAS HE RUN OU OF BEER, AGAIN? IT'S NOT THE BEER.
I JUST CAN'T SETTLE MY MIND TO ANYTHING.
THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY ABOUT YOU DOWN THE SOCIAL SECURITY.
WHY CAN'T YOU SETTLE YOUR MIND TO ANYTHING? I KEEP THINKING ABOUT POOR OLD RICHARD WITH YOUR HYACINTH DAY AND NIGHT.
THEY COULD GE TWIN BEDS.
I'D HAVE HAD THEM FROM DAY ONE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD DONE BY, AND THEN YOU HEAR ABOUT SOME OTHER POOR DEVIL.
IT MUS MAKE YOU REALIZE JUST HOW FORTUNATE YOU ARE.
I'M GOING TO SEE IF RICHARD'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN GIVE ME A LIFT.
I WONDER IF PEOPLE REALIZE HOW EXPENSIVE YOU WERE.
IT SOMETIMES WORRIES ME.
I STAND YOU THERE AND STILL THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE YOU WERE.
NO.
AH! - IS THAT YOU ELIZABETH? IT'S OPEN, DEAR.
COME IN.
- OH! - OH! I'M SORRY.
AM I EARLY? NO, I WANTED YOU TO COME BEFORE MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGENT ARRIVES.
I WANTED US TO HAVE TIME TO PREPARE OUR PLANS.
PLANS? FOR GETTING ME ON THE COMMITTEE.
ARE YOU WEARING THAT DEAR? WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? OH, NOTHING DEAR.
NO, I'M SURE IT'S CHARMING.
I CAN CHANGE IF YOU LIKE.
NO, NO, NO.
I WOULDN'T DREAM OF ASKING YOU TO DO THAT.
NO, I'M SURE IT LOOKS PERFECT.
HOW LONG WOULD I TAKE YOU TO CHANGE? TWO MINUTES.
NO, YOU'RE FINE.
I'M GETTING USED TO IT.
( phone ringing ) OH, EXCUSE ME, I MUST ANSWER THAT.
IT'S PROBABLY SOMEBODY IMPORTANT.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE.
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU VIOLET.
IT'S MY SISTER VIOLET.
YOU REMEMBER VIOLET? THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES AND THE JACUZZI-- AND ROOM FOR A PONY.
THOUGH NOT IN THE JACUZZI, OF COURSE.
VIOLET YOU SOUND EXCITED, DEAR.
HOW ARE YOU? YES.
BRUCE HAS WHAT? TAKEN UP SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING? YES, VERY HEALTHY.
MMM.
HE WANTS TO DO WHAT, DEAR? BORROW A FLORAL BIKINI? OH, DEAR.
YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL I HAVE NO SUCH GARMEN IN MY WARDROBE.
LOOK NO, IT'S TOTALLY OUT OF THE QUESTION.
NO, DEAR.
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING SO RIDICULOUS IN ALL MY LIFE.
UP, ONE, TWO.
DOWN, ONE, TWO.
UP, ONE, TWO.
DOWN, ONE, TWO.
IT'S AN EXERCISE, YOU KNOW? FOR THE HIPS.
VERY GOOD.
OHHH!!! CLOSE THE DOOR, DEAR, WILL YOU? THERE'S A DRAFT.
NO, I WILL NOT GO WITH HIM TO A FITTING.
RICHARD? HELLO, EMMET.
I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU.
I'M GLAD IT STILL LOOKS LIKE ME.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE ME.
ISN'T IT A BIT HO IN THERE? SWELTERING.
OH! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING? FILMING.
HYACINTH DISCOVERED A HOBBY FOR ME.
I DAREN'T GO HOME WITHOUT DOING SOME FILMING.
SHE WANTS TO SEE THE RESULTS.
- IT'S A NICE CAMERA.
- IS IT? I SCARCELY KNOW THE RIGHT END.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY THE PARK, RICHARD? WHAT FOR? THERE ARE BETTER PLACES TO HIDE IN THE PARK WHILST YOU'RE FILMING.
OH, I MIGHT JUST DO THAT.
I COULD DO THE DUCKS.
NOW I'VE GOT A FEELING THAT I COULD DO DUCKS.
I THINK THE BEST PLACE FOR YOU TO SIT IS THERE.
WOOPS! YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE.
DON'T LEAN TOO CLOSE TO MY EXPENSIVE PIECE OF PORCELAIN.
THERE, THERE, THERE.
VERY FEW PEOPLE REALIZE HOW EXPENSIVE THAT WAS.
PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO DROP A HINT TO MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGEN WHILE I'M OUT OF THE ROOM.
- YOU'RE GOING OUT OF THE ROOM? - OF COURSE.
YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGENT? ONLY FOR A MOMENT, DEAR, WHILE I MAKE THE TEA.
- I'LL MAKE THE TEA.
- NO, NO, NO.
OH, BE CAREFUL! NO, WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY OF INSERTING AN IDEA INTO MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGENT'S MIND.
- I'LL GET IT WRONG.
- YOU WON'T GET IT WRONG, DEAR, YOU CAN'T.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS OFFER MY SERVICES TO HER COMMITTEE.
TELL HER THAT YOU THINK I COULD BE PERSUADED TO SERVE.
- WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER? - OH NO, DEAR, I COULDN' DO THAT.
( doorbell rings ) THERE SHE IS-- RIGHT ON TIME.
DOESN'T BREEDING TELL? I SHALL LET HER IN WHILE YOU PRACTICE YOUR SPEECH.
AND DON'T FORGE TO MENTION MY ORNAMENT.
( doorbell ringing ) ( gasping ) OH, ONSLOW.
WHAT A PLEASAN SURPRISE.
OH, AND THE OLD CAR.
ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW IT KEEPS GOING AND COMING? AND ROSE THERE.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
WELL, ONSLOW, IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU? LEND YOU A PULLOVER FOR EXAMPLE? I CAN'T DO WITH BEING BUNDLED UP WITH TOO MANY CLOTHES.
YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE IN ANY IMMEDIATE DANGER.
I JUST WANTED A WORD WITH RICHARD.
RICHARD! OH NO, YOU'RE TOO LATE.
NO, YOU'RE TOO LATE.
HE'S GONE OFF.
HE'S GONE OFF TO MAKE A FILM.
- A FILM? - MMM, YOU MAY WELL LOOK SURPRISED.
RICHARD'S BECOME VERY ARTISTIC.
- HE'S ALL RIGHT THEN? - ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, HE'S BEARING UP IN A REASONABLE MENTAL FRAME OF MIND? - HE'S FINE.
WHY SHOULDN'T HE BE? - OH, NO REASON.
I WOULD INVITE YOU TO STOP, ONLY I'M EXPECTING A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON UPON THE HOUR.
I'LL POP IN AGAIN SOMETIME, WHEN RICHARD'S IN.
OH GOOD! ACTUALLY HE'S HARDLY EVER IN.
GOODBYE.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
OH! MRS.
NUGEN NOT COMING IN? OF COURSE, SHE'S COMING IN.
OH, THAT WASN'T HER.
( laughs ) THAT WAS JUS SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR.
WHO I'M GLAD TO SAY HAS GONE ON HIS WAY BEFORE HE CLASHES WITH MY GUEST.
( car engine sputtering ) OH, NO! ( engine sputtering ) ONSLOW, MOVE THIS CAR.
I'M TRYING TO MOVE THE CAR.
ROSE, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.
GET BACK IN THE CAR, DEAR.
WHAT'S THE POIN OF GETTING BACK IN THE CAR? I CAN THINK OF SEVERAL REASONS.
THERE'S A SHOVE.
MAYBE, IF YOU GIVE US A SHOVE.
YOU DO THE SHOVING, ONSLOW, I'LL SUPERVISE.
I CAN DO I WHEN THERE'S NO ONE HERE.
WHEN HYACINTH'S NOT WATCHING, I CAN HANDLE ROYAL DOULTON AS WELL AS THE NEXT PERSON.
IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
YOU TAKE HOLD OF I FIRMLY BUT GENTLY, YOU RAISE I CAREFULLY.
SEE? IT DOESN' EVEN WOBBLE.
SO WHY CAN'T I DO I WHEN HYACINTH'S HERE? - ELIZABETH! - OHH!