Last Tango In Halifax (2012) s03e05 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 5
1 ~ You are going to have to decide on a name for this baby.
~ Flora.
He can't stand it - the crying.
It's not even ours.
Sorry, mate.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth it! Now he's asked me to marry him and I've said yes.
Can you, knowing you murdered his brother? But I am the one who always has to do the ringing up.
That's the father.
He's an idiot.
~ I couldn't have a look at her, could I? ~ That wasn't the plan, was it? I really don't want to give up my job.
Would you really hate it if I got a nanny? A good nanny, a really good, expensive, proper nanny.
I wouldn't speak to you, Caroline.
You've got Mary Poppins in your head.
That nanny doesn't exist.
Doctor Elliot? Everybody be cool, this is a robbery! Any of you pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you! ~ No running! ~ Suspended? ~ Only for two days.
I don't want to go over it.
Is this since? It's ever since I got together with Kate, which obviously is difficult but He was always a rebel who didn't like doing any homework.
And of course John always indulged that side of things so I'm the wicked witch of whatever, and John's, you know .
.
Jack Kerouac or something.
~ Raff ever been suspended? ~ No.
I was.
Once.
~ What for? ~ I can't tell you.
~ Go on, why? What about you, Mrs Goody-two-shoes? Were you never, ever, ever in bother at school? I was actually.
~ Go on.
~ It's bad.
I never got suspended but I was in detention.
Twice.
Twice! Jesus, Caroline.
OK, this is good, this is funny.
Home economics.
Do you remember home economics? ~ No, we did domestic science.
~ Ah, well, it's food tech now.
~ La-di-dah.
~ It's still taught by lightweights.
I didn't say that.
I didn't think you had.
Go on.
OK, home economics.
I used to get so bored, I once got so bored I had a panic attack.
I was 13, and I'm having a panic attack because I'm bored out of my mind.
So, anyway, one week ~ She's going to start soon.
~ She's fine, go on.
OK, so we're making Cornish pasties.
Cornish pasties, why? Just buy them.
So anyway, we'd all done what we had to do, and got everything in the oven and blah, blah, blah, and we realised, if we pooled our resources, us young ladies, we could make a few more.
So we invented a new filling.
We cut up some Brillo Pads, a squirt of Fairy, a teaspoonful full of Ajax, mixed it in with the leftovers.
~ Yes! ~ Stuffed it in the pastry, brushed milk on the pastry, cooked them, they looked lovely.
Went off to whatever class it was next and fed them to the boys, who ate them.
I'm sorry, but, you know, they were complicit in their own downfall.
I would've spat that out.
~ Yeah, but boys, they'll eat owt, won't they? ~ Exactly.
~ Plus they're not very bright.
~ They're just wired differently.
So, they were all sick and we got sent to the head teacher and got detention, which we all agreed afterwards was worth it ~ because it was so funny.
~ Well done.
~ Thank you.
See? Not perfect after all.
And yet, ironically, my estimation of your mum now goes through the roof.
So what did you get in bother for? ~ Having sex in the cricket pavilion.
~ No, you're lying.
~ You're not going to go all headmistressy on me! ~ Who with? Robbie.
Probably.
Yeah, it would've been him.
You see? I really should've stuck with him.
Yeah.
Will you come? To the wedding.
I suppose it'd look odd if I didn't, wouldn't it? I can't believe that my mother has gone to a football match.
No.
No.
No.
Oh, it was interminable! We thought we were going to pass out, didn't we, Alan? I can think of other ways of spending a Saturday afternoon, champagne or no champagne.
And course we had to pretend we'd never had so much fun! It wouldn't have been so bad if one of them had scored.
~ I've had more fun at the dentist.
~ But they didn't.
And Gary was thrilled.
Apparently to them nil-nil is a good outcome.
I said, "How?" I wished I hadn't, because he explained.
~ And that took another three weeks.
~ I'm not going again.
Anyway, never mind that, hey what about you? Hey? Have you had a nice afternoon, our little Flora? ~ She's been looking at sheep.
~ Ooh! Why can't you just tell Gary? Why can't you just say? Why do you have to find excuses? Oh, because it's tricky, it's difficult.
And, you know, he's a nice lad.
I don't want to hurt his feelings.
And this is a man that could sell sand to the Arabs.
~ Saying no is not always an option.
~ And that.
~ Are you back at work yet, Caroline? ~ Yes, I've been back for two weeks.
I've taken on a nanny.
Holly.
Lovely girl.
And how've you been coping? Well, for the record, some of us would've loved to have spent all afternoon drinking champagne at a football match, Grandad.
Only some of us were working.
You love it! He loves it.
Why do people always ring at mealtimes? You've not left school as well though, have you, Raff? No, it's just a Saturday job, his.
But, you know, it could lead to something else.
~ Fine, I'm fine, thanks.
~ Not ~ Yeah, she's here ~ Why not? ~ Who is it? ~ What do you know? ~ She's just here.
More than you think.
(Gary.
) Gary! He can't leave us alone! How're you? 'Good, yeah, I'm good.
' Did Alan like the football? He loved it.
They both did! They've just been saying, they can't remember when they've had so much fun.
Well, maybe next time you could all come? 'Yeah, all of us! That'd be' Yeah, we'll look forward to that! I wasn't sure, I was worried they seemed a bit bored at one point, but Bored? God, no! Oh, well, I'm glad they're Are you doing anything on Monday? Monday lunchtime.
Me? Erm, Monday lunchtime I'm not near the calendar just this second.
But there are a couple of things I wanted to run past you.
OK.
Listen, Gary, we're just in the middle of supper just now and I've just got a baby on my knee.
~ Sorry! ~ 'So can I, erm, ring you back?' ~ Sure, sure, sure.
OK.
Later.
~ Later, bye-bye.
~ 'Bye-bye.
Bye.
' ~ Bye-bye.
Lunch! Monday! I've got a million and one things to do! ~ Just tell him! ~ He does seem very needy.
Yeah, well, I really like him.
I'm not criticising him, love.
Maybe it just goes with the territory, somebody so successful.
I suppose he's trying to come to terms with something pretty big, isn't he? Finding out that you probably weren't really wanted when you arrived.
Are you OK? Oh, it's just this aft.
Three times he introduced me to people.
"This is my dad, my real dad.
" Then all the explanations.
Don't tell me you hadn't noticed.
Well, of course I noticed.
"Oh, yes, this is my real dad, "bloke who was unfaithful to his wife.
" ~ Well, he never put it quite that bluntly, did he? ~ He didn't need to.
Can't he see that it's embarrassing for both of us? I mean you and me, not him.
Well, I suppose that's not how he thinks about it, is it? ~ Mm.
~ From Eileen's point of view.
~ No.
Or indeed mine.
Or yours.
~ It's all about him, isn't it? ~ Mm.
~ You'll have to say something if it's upsetting you.
~ I Ah, you're back.
Lawrence is in bed.
~ Thought you were staying at your flat.
~ Yeah, we were, but I think when it came to it he preferred to sleep in his own bed.
So I bought him some noise-cancelling headphones and I think those along with the earplugs when she starts .
.
might help.
~ Has she not? ~ No, not yet, but she will.
It's only because she's been in the car.
~ Do you want a glass of wine? ~ No, I'm going to bed.
~ How was Gillian? ~ Fine.
~ Good.
Good.
That's good.
And how how how are you? How are things? Shit.
But, you know, it'll get better.
No, it will.
Of course it will.
Right, well, I'll get my jacket.
You were happy today.
I saw you.
Briefly.
I just wanted to say, bit ironic now I've got the flat sorted out, but it was just to say that we had a great day, me and Lawrence, it was nice, he was happy, we enjoyed each other's company, and .
.
is there an argument Bear with me.
Is there an argument for you and me .
.
getting back together? No.
~ Fair enough, I just thought ~ Sure.
~ .
.
it was worth ~ Yeah.
.
.
suggesting.
Asking.
Seeing what you Well, anyway, I've put the idea out there.
~ Perhaps it's something to dwell on.
~ Sorry, hang on, wait a minute.
What? ~ Well? ~ It's six weeks tomorrow that Kate died, ~ it's less than six weeks since Kate died.
~ Well ~ Are you seriously asking me that question? ~ As I say God, you're like something out of a joke book.
It was just an idea.
For Lawrence and, well, for Laura ~ Flora! Actually.
~ Do you seriously think? You were the one who asked me if I'd help out the other day, ~ surely having two parents ~ What do you think I am? I don't think you do think, do you? I think you just let words spill out of your mouth and onto the floor ~ and see if anyone's stupid enough to pick them up.
~ OK, well, that's I'm a lesbian.
I like sleeping with other women, I always did.
And this is after you've been trying so blatantly ~ to get inside Gillian's knickers! Again.
~ That's That was never OK, forget it, I mistimed it Yeah, I think that just about sums it up.
OK.
Well, I'll ~ I'll drop the latch.
~ Yeah, if you would.
~ I'll phone you.
~ Right.
~ I'll ~ Yeah, whatever.
~ That's I told you I didn't want a baby.
I said I didn't want a baby.
I left you in such a mess didn't I? Are you angry with me? ~ Sometimes.
~ I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Is that how you feel? What you said at suppertime.
You know, thinking you probably weren't really wanted, ~ when you arrived.
~ No.
No.
We were really lucky though, weren't we? Maureen and Geoff adopting us when they did, when we were tiny.
Yeah, but your mum.
Your real mum.
I don't dwell on it.
Happen I should, but I don't.
Our Eddie did.
Course he were that bit older than me.
I sometimes think that's why he was such a mad bastard.
I think that he had more stuff.
Subconscious stuff, happen, to deal with than I had, but I've never heard you call him a mad bastard before.
What, our Eddie? ~ Yeah.
~ Well No.
But he had demons, didn't he? Yeah.
I've just never heard you say it before.
I always thought you thought the sun shone out of him.
I did, back then.
Only I don't know.
When you get to our age, and you look back, he was tormented, wasn't he? Way he behaved, way he carried on, way he drank.
Yeah, that's one word for it.
What are your plans? Well, we are so lucky because Mummy has insured other Mummy's car for us to drive! So we think today we might take a picnic to Knaresborough, ~ look at the rowing boats.
~ Ooh! Hello.
~ When did you get back? ~ Just this morning, just now.
~ Have you and Alan both recovered from the football? ~ Eugh.
I don't like football either.
Right, come on, let's get this re-entry meeting out of the way.
Twit.
I hope that isn't a smirk.
~ Have a nice day.
~ Ring me if you need me, don't hesitate.
And what about a kiss from big brother this morning? ~ No, I'm good.
~ Coward.
~ Behave! All of you.
~ I'm not its big brother.
~ Yes, you are.
~ No, I'm not.
~ Yes, you are.
~ Not.
~ Are.
~ Not.
~ You are.
~ Not.
So, Raff .
.
he wanted me to talk to you, he said if he said anything, it'd go down like a lead balloon, so He's fitting in really well by the way, he's such a bright lad, ~ everyone likes him.
~ He's not leaving school.
~ Well ~ He's going to university.
~ Well, OK It's what he wants, it's what I want, it's what me dad wants.
I completely understand.
All I wanted to say, you know, these days, kids, they go to university, and there's no guarantee whatsoever they're going to get any kind ~ of a job at the end of it.
What if? ~ You're wasting your time.
What if I take him on full time, permanent, send him on day release to tech to train as an accountant? Sorry? Sorry, he's done six Saturdays, carting boxes about in a warehouse, and you want to train him as an accountant? He's a smart cookie, he works hard, he's my nephew.
By the time he'd be leaving college, university, when would that be? 2017, 2018? He could already be on 35 grand a year.
Between them, him and Ellie, they could have a mortgage.
Well, you know, he can go to university ~ and THEN come and do that.
~ Why bother, why waste time? Because that's always been the plan.
OK.
OK.
You know this was his idea, it's not mine.
You know how bad he feels about Ellie earning all the money and him being so dependent on everyone, on you with Calamity.
We're managing.
And when the hell has he ever been interested in accountancy? No, that was a suggestion, that came from me.
We were He was talking about how awkward it is, being a dad, still being at school.
He thinks it's going to be impossible ~ to go away for three years.
~ Why? No, it won't.
Well, think about it from his point of view.
Going away, having a laugh for three years, everybody else looking after your baby.
I suppose a lot of lads might think that's all right, more than all right, but he's not like that, is he? Everyone else being with your baby, spending time with your baby and you're two million miles away.
OK, I'm not going to say anything more, I can see it's not Anyway, let's not fall out about this.
It was an idea, that's all.
~ OK.
~ OK.
~ Then the other thing.
~ Yeah? Oh, you're going to take this the wrong way.
~ How are the wedding plans? ~ Good.
~ Fixed a date? It's looking like towards the end of August.
How about? Why why don't I? Why don't you, you and Robbie? Why don't you let me pay for a really, really nice venue? A really big do.
Something really special to celebrate.
To celebrate obviously the wedding but to celebrate us finding each other like this.
Not that that would be the focus, obviously, you and Robbie'd be the focus.
But it would allow me the opportunity to say thank you.
For you being so generous.
And for letting me be part of the family.
I mean, you didn't have to do that.
You could've both ignored me, you and Alan, couldn't you? But you didn't.
I couldn't believe my ears! Does he think we're paupers? I don't I don't think that's how he'd have meant it, surely.
Yeah, yeah, he thinks we're bumpkins, he thinks we're hicks, he thinks we haven't got two brass farthings to wipe our arses with.
So Well, what did you say? That's really kind of you, Gary, but I can't have you doing that.
~ Well, think about it.
~ It's not something I'd feel comfortable with.
Why? I don't like owing people.
~ You wouldn't be owing me, that's not the point ~ It's how I'd feel.
'Then he sulked.
' ~ Sulked? ~ "Oh, I should never have offered.
"I keep forgetting I'm not really a member of the family.
"You probably hate me now.
" Blah, blah, blah.
You've got to stop being so paranoid, Gary.
It's not about you, it's about me.
I don't like I have this thing.
I don't like being dependent on people, anyone.
It's not about you, honestly.
Honestly, Gary.
Gary.
Well, you can bite my head off but I think you should accept it.
~ I think he's right about Raff as well.
~ Oh, really? Yeah, I do.
I know it's not what you planned, but Yeah, well, you know me dad'll go ballistic? Ever since when Raff was 12 and his science teacher said, "You know this lad could get in at a university," ~ me dad's had this dream of seeing him go.
~ I'm just saying.
And, think about it, if we let him pay for a big do, we could spend a bit more on the honeymoon, we could go somewhere really exotic.
We don't need a big do, we don't know that many people! I thought you wanted a hog roast up at Sportsman's.
Only cos we don't have silly money to chuck around! If we did, I'd splash out a bit more.
~ Would you? ~ Yeah.
It's not what I want.
Could I have a dry white wine and a pint of bitter? Thanks.
I think that's you.
Ooh! ~ Hello? ~ Alan, it's Gary.
Oh, hello! 'Where are you?' I'm We're in a pub.
Just outside Harrogate.
We've just been doing a bit of shopping.
Sorry to bother you, but, erm 'No, it's all right, lad.
' The thing is, I think I've upset Gillian.
(What does he want?) Gillian.
Have you? How? 'Have you spoken to her?' What, today? No.
Well, OK.
Obviously I didn't mean to upset her, but the thing is (Tell him no more football.
) Eh? I offered to pay for the wedding just as a thing, just as a you know, 'a token of I don't know, affection, something.
' And she, you know, she won't have it.
(Tell him not to do that thing of introducing you as his real father.
) I'm obviously worried that I've overstepped the mark and upset the apple cart and, you know, erm but it could be a really nice day.
Alan? Well, I would hope however much or however little they spent, it'd be a nice day.
Well, yeah, course.
But, erm And if anybody's putting their hand in their pocket, it should be me, shouldn't it? I'm her dad.
I'll back off.
No, no, it's not about backing off.
She's very fond of you.
~ It's about ~ 'Well, could you persuade her, then,' to accept it in the spirit it's intended? (Tell him it upsets you.
) No, no, if she's said no, I think you have to take it at face value.
'It's t'way she is.
' You'll just have to accept it.
It's no reflection on you.
~ 'It could be a really nice day.
' ~ Hello, love.
~ Mum, where are you? ~ We're just having a bit of lunch in a pub, why? ~ She's funny about her independence.
We've just had a phone call from the police in Bradford.
They've got Flora.
Why? What do you mean? What's? I don't know what's happened.
I just wondered if you could get there any faster than I can.
~ I'm just leaving, just now.
~ Well, we can try.
If we set off now, we could get there in, I don't know, half an hour, 40 minutes.
What's up? The police have got Flora.
What's happened? I don't know! All I know is that she's at some police station in Bradford.
Holly, apparently .
.
is in a cell and she's been arrested.
~ What for? ~ I'm going to have to go, Gary lad ~ I don't know! I've got no idea! ~ They were going to Knaresborough! I know, I know! They just said, "We think we've got your baby.
" ~ I'm going to have to catch you later.
~ We need to leave.
~ Ta-ta! ~ We'll see you there! ~ 'Bye.
' ~ Bye-bye! No, I'm the grandmother.
Well, step-grandmother.
~ Am I her step-grandmother? ~ No, legally you're her grandmother.
Anyway, what the hell I am.
She's Flora's My daughter's girlfriend wife's They're both gay, they're lesbians.
Anyway, erm So she's her baby.
Only she died, Kate did, my daughter's girlfriend's wife.
Erm And so my daughter is the legal parent-stroke-guardian now, you see, and she rang us to say that you I'm Caroline McKenzie-Dawson, we spoke on the phone.
Yes, would you like to come through? This is my mum and dad.
So what happened? What's happened? She drove through a red light at speed.
This lad here pulled her over and asked her to breathe into the tube.
That's when she kicked off - and I mean kicked off.
So he arrested her.
Then we got her on the intoximeter in here.
~ Four times over the limit.
~ And swearing like a trooper.
~ Four times? ~ Holly? Holly's not Well, some people are better at hiding it than others, aren't they? ~ Is it definitely Holly? ~ Well, who the hell else would it be? Who else would have Flora? White female, 5'5", long blonde hair, slim build, early 20s.
Well, thank God you pulled her over, lad, before she did owt worse.
Just doing his job.
Good lad, off you pop.
~ Thank you.
~ Where is Holly? ~ She's in the cells.
~ Can I see her? ~ No.
She'll be released when she's sober.
Does her mother know she's here? Does her husband? No, they get one phone call and she wanted us to ring you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Y'all right, love? Well, according to her mother, it's why she dropped out of university.
~ Good Lord.
~ I thought you got her through an agency? I did, she had references! The agency obviously knows nothing.
Well, presumably they don't ~ or they'd never have taken her on.
~ You see, they can hide it.
Her mother says she can be fine for weeks and then she'll have an upset or whatever and then she'll have a drink and she can't stop.
She must be sickened, her mother.
Look at me, I'm still shaking! It's a terrible disease, young lass like that.
She could've killed her! What was she not thinking? Getting into a car, getting behind the wheel of a car in that state with a baby? Someone else's baby! And where had she been to get so drunk? Where had Flora been? And why Bradford? You really ought to ring that agency.
I will, I'm going to! I just need a bit more They'll get shut of her.
~ .
.
equilibrium.
~ She'll not get work.
Well, she can't be in charge of little ones if she's Well, of course she can't.
You know she was such a nice girl at school.
She was so She was just perfectly normal, Kate knew her.
Kate would've been delighted with her.
How could I have known? ~ I couldn't have known, could I? ~ It's not your fault, love.
What the hell am I going to do? I knew I shouldn't have gone back to work.
That's it, I'm going to have to resign, I'm going to have to take early retirement, I'm just going to have to rethink everything.
There are other nannies.
No, no, no.
Kate - she'd kill me.
~ You can't resign.
~ What choice have I got? It's ridiculous! Even with a nanny I come home and there's everything still to do! I can't sleep, I can't think, I haven't got a second to myself! And then that's not good for her, I want her to feel loved, I don't want her to feel like she's an inconvenience.
Because she isn't.
I mean, who else is there? I mean, you know, we've said we'll do what we can, but I know, I know, I know, I know.
It's impossible.
The whole thing is impossible.
You know, if push comes to shove, which it would appear to have done, you could always ring Greg.
I suppose I could always ring Greg.
~ Who? ~ The father? ~ Mm.
~ Really? ~ I know you can't stand him.
~ I thought you thought he was a jerk.
~ Yeah, he is, but You know, I've always thought you'd feel very differently about him if you got to know him properly.
He offered at the funeral to help.
Ring him.
He's self-employed, I don't know what he does, but it meant he could be flexible, and and he did offer.
And you saw what he was like with her, I mean Well, he'd love her.
Wouldn't he? Yeah, but he can't just drop everything, can he? I bet he would.
A kiss on the hand may be quite Continental But diamonds are a girl's best friend A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental For your humble flat or help you at the automat ~ 'Hello?' ~ Greg? It's Caroline Dawson McKenzie.
Kate's wife.
How-How're you? Personally I was thrilled.
I'd love a big do, I quite fancy that place Celia and Alan got wed.
~ Oh, that was well classy! ~ Food was amazing.
We sang.
Grandad sang a song to Celia and we did backing vocals and a dance.
~ My God, you should've seen it.
~ I wish I had! ~ It were brilliant! ~ It was summat.
You could sing a song to me mum! Yeah, in front of everybody from our nick(!) Yeah, that's happening.
Ah, here she is! Gillian I hope you didn't bugger up the undercarriage of your jalopy driving up our track.
Oh, it'll survive.
Listen, I've come to apologise.
I spoke to Alan on the phone and I overstepped the mark at lunchtime and it's not what you want, and I'm sorry.
~ It isn't that we're not grateful ~ Very grateful, more than grateful.
Personally I can't see why we're not biting your hand off, pal.
Well, the offer's still there.
We were saying, we could get wed at that same place ~ that your dad and Celia got wed.
~ We're not doing that, all right? Well, I think Well, you know what I think, I think it's a shame.
It were really good, it was really nice, it was such a good day.
And it didn't cost that much, you told me.
You organised it.
You and Caroline.
~ How much was it? ~ It was silly money for what it was.
But it was what me dad wanted, and it was his money so It was just over £5,000 for 30 people! A five-course meal.
It's ridiculous! The champagne alone cost about five million quid.
Then the flowers were another arm and another leg cos Celia had to have them everywhere.
~ But you see that's ~ What? ~ £5,000, it's It's nothing? Neither here nor there? It is when you drive an Aston Martin.
Gary.
I think you're just being a bit stubborn, Mum.
And And then there's the other thing.
Erm, just let me know when you're ready, when you've had a chance to think about it properly.
Yeah? ~ You mentioned it? ~ Right, well, we'll discuss it.
There's nothing to discuss, I'm old enough to make me own decisions.
There's plenty to discuss.
~ I want the job.
Gary.
~ Do you want to break your grandad's heart? ~ Because that is what will happen.
~ That's emotional blackmail.
I think it is something you should discuss with your mum ~ and your grandad.
~ You know this is about her.
She buggered up her chance of going to university by getting pregnant.
Oh, yeah! So now she wants to inflict it on me.
~ Oh, inflict it? ~ It's all about her! It's not about me or my situation.
Oh, I'm sorry I want to inflict a university education on you.
I'm sorry I want you to do well for yourself.
There's different ways of doing well for yourself.
Don't you get it? You see, she's not even listening.
~ Well done.
~ Don't talk to Gary like that! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start a massive argument between you.
~ Raff came to me ~ I went to him.
It was just an idea.
~ You're finishing your A levels.
~ No, I'm not.
~ At the very least you're finishing your A levels.
~ What's the point? The only reason I'd finish my A levels is to get the grades I need for Leeds.
So if I'm not going, I don't need 'em! Can I have some support here? I can see both sides.
Right, ring your grandad.
~ And if your grandad says yes, it's fine by me.
~ Really? No.
It'll never be fine by me.
But I'm sick of being a sodding punchbag.
When's all this cropped up? Just this aft.
I met him at lunchtime.
Why? You know he rang me this aft.
He were worried that he'd upset you ~ 'over offering to pay for the wedding.
' ~ Oh, did he? But he didn't say owt about this Raff not going to university business.
'Yeah, well, that figures.
' ~ I told him how upset you'd be.
~ 'What shall I do?' Shall I talk to the lad? Well, he sure as hell ain't listening to me.
~ Is he there? ~ 'No, I'm in t'barn' On me own with t'sheep.
I'm sulking.
Happen it'd be better face to face.
Do you want me to pop over? ~ 'Can you be arsed?' ~ I can't pop over, I've got to be on hand for Caroline.
'Give me a minute, love.
' But is it all right if I go? ~ Yeah, course.
~ Yeah? Well, OK then, if I set off in t'next quarter of hour, I can be there by half past seven.
I'll be on me own, though.
Yeah, we've had a bit of a drama ourselves.
We were in t'police station over in Bradford, this aft.
Why? What y'been up to this time? ~ Hiya.
~ What you doing here? Came to see you.
Who's that? Me dad.
I don't want to fall out wi' you, you know, Gillian.
Yeah, I can see what you're saying.
If our little Calamity hadn't turned up it'd be a different tale, but Yes, I can see what you're saying.
But you're disappointed.
I think you can do well whatever you turn your mind to.
I think you're old enough to make your own choices.
~ What do you think, Ellie? ~ She wants me to stay at school.
It was different for me leaving.
I couldn't live in someone else's house and not bring in some money, could I? And I left so you wouldn't have to.
You see? Nobody's on my side.
Your mother thinks nobody's on HER side.
Anyway, I'm not taking sides.
I think you're old enough and smart enough to make an intelligent and informed choice.
~ Will you do me a favour though, lad? ~ What? Will you dwell on it for two weeks? Before you do make a decision, one way or t'other.
Before you throw t'towel in at school.
I'm not going to change my mind.
OK.
If Gary's good with that.
He's a bit of a bloody nuisance, Gary, isn't he? I never told you t'thing that ~ pissed me off most.
~ What? ~ At football.
~ What? Introducing me to folk as his real dad.
I don't mind in private, but to all and sundry! In front of Celia.
"Yeah, this is the fella that cheated on his wife, folks!" No way.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm still fond of him.
But it's like he doesn't think about how it affects other people.
Well, exactly.
I've got an interview.
Tomorrow afternoon.
Working on t'checkout at Patterson's down in Sowerby Bridge.
~ You don't have to do that.
~ No, but, you know ~ .
.
I want to.
~ Fine.
You know on Saturday night ~ .
.
when we were talking about Eddie? ~ Yeah.
~ About how he had demons.
~ Yeah.
I never told anyone this before.
What? He used to knock me about.
Why didn't you tell someone? Because .
.
you don't like to admit that it's happening.
Because it's humiliating.
And because you're scared if you tell anyone it'll backfire and you'll only have made it a thousand times worse.
I'm lying .
.
actually.
Saying I never told anyone.
I didn't tell anyone at the time.
But I told Caroline.
~ When? ~ Last year.
Just before Christmas.
~ Why Caroline? ~ I don't know.
Sometimes we tell each other stuff.
I told her .
.
that I've shed blood.
In every room in this house.
I told her that he once stubbed a fag out on my neck.
Why're you telling me this now? Because .
.
I can.
Because you called him a mad bastard.
I never heard you say that before.
Mum.
Mum.
Mum.
~ Mum.
~ Hello.
~ There's a man.
~ What? ~ At the door.
~ Have you let him in? ~ Am I supposed to? Ohhh! ~ Caroline.
~ Greg.
Come in.
Sorry, Lawrence didn't know.
That's all right! I wouldn't let me in in the middle of the night, either.
~ Lawrence, this is Greg.
~ Hi.
~ Greg? ~ Burchill.
~ Burchill! ~ Hi.
Greg is Flora's biological dad.
Lawrence is my youngest.
~ Sorry, do you want to come through? ~ Thanks.
Hello! Aren't babies great? I didn't really expect you to come all the way over from Manchester tonight.
Oh, I'm delighted, I told you.
It's very kind of you.
Well, we need to see what we can do, don't we? Yes, we do! You're not the Greg Burchill that does the Deathgrip books, are you? The what? The what? It's my thang.
Deathgrip.
Comic strip.
~ Superhero.
Well, antihero.
~ Ah.
~ Have you not? ~ You have! She has.
I've got all of them.
~ No way! ~ All of them.
~ A boy with impeccable taste, I see.
Oh, my God.
No-one's going to believe this.
~ I don't think I've ~ It's why I can work anywhere, more or less.
I draw cartoons, basically.
And I can do it anywhere with a few basic bits of kit.
~ So, my God! What happened? ~ Oh.
Well This Holly sounds like she needs her arse kicking.
~ She does! She seriously does.
~ I am speaking metaphorically.
Obviously, I don't go around kicking people's arses myself.
But, 'ey, no, Caroline, I was fuming when you told me.
I'm serious, I was angry.
It's bad, it's rubbish, it's ~ .
.
not good enough.
So, Lawrence, what do you think ~ of your new little baby sister then, eh? ~ Yeah, she's all right.
Yeah, but, no, the thing is, we weren't even going to do that story about Petra Hazard stealing the digital serum from Judge Von Hinkle.
How mad is that? Deathgrip wouldn't have found Detective Cavalcanti with Dr Zealander.
~ Exactly.
Exactly.
Well, he would have.
~ Which one's Petra Hazard? ~ Wow.
~ I know.
I know.
Petra's that one there.
She's the true Queen of Antakya, but But she's been ousted by the rebel zombies, so now she's like an outlaw.
But in a good way, like Robin Hood.
I'm surprised she can balance with knockers that size.
I'm surprised she doesn't just fall over.
They get bigger as it goes along.
It's like a convention.
You've to aim it for the audience that buys it.
Good Lord.
Good morning.
I came to see if there was anything I can do to help, but Nappy - not too tight, not too slack.
~ Good! Good.
~ Bottles cooling.
Mother-in-law on hand all day with endless stream of more-than-welcome vital comments.
Is he being sarcastic? No.
Are you absolutely sure about this? I'm giving it a go, Caroline.
If I can do three or four hours' work with the radio on and she's happy to let me.
We're just going to give it a whirl and see what happens.
Eh? Aren't we? "Yes! "Yes, we are, Daddy.
" Sorry.
Sorry.
Er it just It just slipped out.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, everyone.
But you are her daddy.
I've got to go.
Sure.
~ Ring me.
~ Course.
~ You know where everything is.
~ I think so.
Look after her.
She is wrapped in cotton wool after yesterday.
Or shall we put her in a sandwich and eat her up? Ooh, I know! Look at that smile.
I know Oh, it's just wind.
~ See you.
~ Bye.
Bye.
Right, come on! ~ Next Monday! 8:30.
Thanks, then.
~ See you there.
~ Ta-rah.
Gillian Greenwood.
Long time no see.
Do you not still go up t'White Horse of a Friday night, then? Hello, Ollie.
No.
No, no, I don't.
Shame.
~ How's your mum? ~ Yeah! Yeah, not so bad.
Mad cow.
~ So, what y'up to? ~ Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
~ Yeah? What were you doing with Mr Leafield? ~ Oh, just ~ .
.
starting work here on Monday.
~ Joking! Nope.
Checkout.
So, you're? ~ Cheese.
~ Right.
~ Been trained.
~ Yeah? So, what you doing this lunchtime? Anything? ~ Well, I'm Yeah.
You know.
Busy.
~ I've got an hour.
~ Lucky you.
~ If you're not doing owt.
~ I'm busy.
~ Oh, well.
~ Yup.
~ Shame.
~ Yeah? ~ Looks like I might be seeing a bit more of you though, then.
~ 'Spect so.
~ You're looking good.
~ Bye.
(Oh.
) Clean up on aisle six.
Afternoon! Evening! ~ Ah! Is Mum? ~ Mum! Dad's here.
I love making bread.
I used to be rubbish at it, but it's one of those things - you're going to be rubbish at it when you start! Why wouldn't you be? It's about persevering, it's about passion, it's about obsession.
I reckon by the time I'm 90, it won't just be perfect, it'll be consistently perfect.
~ Do I sound like a right wanker? ~ No.
S'Dad.
Hello.
Hiya! Who are those for? Well, they were for Mum.
Just to say sorry for the other day.
The other night.
I didn't mean to annoy you.
This is Greg.
How's How's Flora? She's fine! She's had a good day.
She poos green.
I don't know why, but Celia seemed to think it was normal.
~ Normal enough, so ~ Did she? ~ Yeah.
I consulted opinion and we didn't even have to pester Mum at work! Did I thought Didn't you have a nanny working for you? Ooh, steady on, we don't mention her.
That didn't work out.
~ Right.
~ So Greg's helping.
Have we met before? Erm I was at Kate's funeral.
I think I saw you there.
John's my ex-husband.
Cool.
We're just eating.
Right.
Well, I'll Do you want to do anything? Tomorrow? Cinema? ~ Pizza? ~ No, I'm good, thanks.
OK, well, I'll See ya, Popsicle.
What were we talking about? Bread! Are those chrysanthemums? ~ Er ~ 18 years I was married to that man, and he still doesn't know I can't stand the smell of chrysanthemums.
Tch! Men.
Oh, hello.
~ Who is that? ~ Oh, next door? Greg! It's Greg.
~ He's moved in.
~ Yes, well, who is he? He's a friend.
Of Kate's.
He's the baby's father.
The biological father.
He's a bit of an acquired taste, but once you get used to him, he's actually rather fun.
He's very talented - have you seen what he does for a living? ~ No.
~ And he's very good with the baby.
I think he could be just what Caroline's looking for.
Are you all right? God, I've made such a mess of things, Celia, haven't I? Do you want to come inside? I'll make some tea, then.
I know I've brought it all on myself, but, you know, it was never really what any of them thought it was - with Judith.
I mean, you know, you had a fling.
You know it's never black and white.
I knew right from the start she .
.
wasn't someone to be in love with.
We got drunk one night at a little departmental bash for the third years - they'd finished their finals.
I'd seen her in the library a few times.
She was always a bit different.
She had ambitions.
She wanted to write.
She knew my work.
Then the first time I you know ended up in bed with her .
.
I didn't know she was an alcoholic! I just thought we were both a bit drunk.
~ We're talking about Judith.
~ Are you? Well, and your What was she called? Gary's mother.
Mary, she was called.
Mary.
So, before I knew it, one of the departmental secretaries rang Caroline up.
They were friends.
And she knew I'd been trying to cool things off with Judith.
Trying to cool things off before anything even started! But, oh, no, that wasn't good enough.
So, what happened? ~ Is it true? ~ It didn't.
doesn't mean anything.
Just to be clear, we're talking about sex.
I didn't believe her on the phone.
~ How long has it been going on? ~ Just ~ When did you start sleeping with her? ~ Oh, er, tch Just after Just after ~ Christmas.
~ Christmas.
So, that's four, nearly five months that we've been and you've been Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why would you What wasn't? ~ Why? ~ I don't know.
~ No.
No.
No.
No.
~ Why? ~ I don't ~ WHY? ~ I thought I was .
.
in love with her.
So, what happened then? Well, it sort of went downhill from that point.
18 years! 18 fucking years! Caroline! Caroline! Stop it, Caroline! The boys are in tears, they don't know what's going on! Oh, well, shall we tell them? Do you want to tell them or shall I? I think you're becoming hysterical.
No, really, I think you are actually becoming Daddy has been having it off with somebody else, boys! That's That's That's just irresponsible.
Despite having a beautiful home, two wonderful children and a pretty damned fantastic WIFE, Daddy has been putting it about elsewhere! That's What? What? What is it? Are you embarrassed? Embarrassed? You shit! YOU SHIT! Heck.
Yeah.
I left.
I left and I didn't want to.
And the irony is that her version of events, ie, the official version of events - the one that everyone believes, including my children - is that I left her for an alcoholic.
And it just wasn't like that.
Is that you? Hello.
It's Gillian.
Dad, have you seen this week's courier? ~ 'No.
' ~ Er You're not going to believe this What is it, love? All you want to do is humiliate me, I suspect.
Well, well done, you've succeeded.
~ It's embarrassing.
~ Maybe he should feel a little bit guilty.
~ I shagged this bloke I work with.
~ When? You're surely not worried she's changed her mind? ~ Two can play at that game.
~ You never wanted me to marry him! ~ I thought we were just friends.
~ I wonder if I chose the wrong person.
~ None of them's answering their phones.
~ 'What's up?' I can't do it.
You were right.
I can't marry him.
~ Flora.
He can't stand it - the crying.
It's not even ours.
Sorry, mate.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth it! Now he's asked me to marry him and I've said yes.
Can you, knowing you murdered his brother? But I am the one who always has to do the ringing up.
That's the father.
He's an idiot.
~ I couldn't have a look at her, could I? ~ That wasn't the plan, was it? I really don't want to give up my job.
Would you really hate it if I got a nanny? A good nanny, a really good, expensive, proper nanny.
I wouldn't speak to you, Caroline.
You've got Mary Poppins in your head.
That nanny doesn't exist.
Doctor Elliot? Everybody be cool, this is a robbery! Any of you pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you! ~ No running! ~ Suspended? ~ Only for two days.
I don't want to go over it.
Is this since? It's ever since I got together with Kate, which obviously is difficult but He was always a rebel who didn't like doing any homework.
And of course John always indulged that side of things so I'm the wicked witch of whatever, and John's, you know .
.
Jack Kerouac or something.
~ Raff ever been suspended? ~ No.
I was.
Once.
~ What for? ~ I can't tell you.
~ Go on, why? What about you, Mrs Goody-two-shoes? Were you never, ever, ever in bother at school? I was actually.
~ Go on.
~ It's bad.
I never got suspended but I was in detention.
Twice.
Twice! Jesus, Caroline.
OK, this is good, this is funny.
Home economics.
Do you remember home economics? ~ No, we did domestic science.
~ Ah, well, it's food tech now.
~ La-di-dah.
~ It's still taught by lightweights.
I didn't say that.
I didn't think you had.
Go on.
OK, home economics.
I used to get so bored, I once got so bored I had a panic attack.
I was 13, and I'm having a panic attack because I'm bored out of my mind.
So, anyway, one week ~ She's going to start soon.
~ She's fine, go on.
OK, so we're making Cornish pasties.
Cornish pasties, why? Just buy them.
So anyway, we'd all done what we had to do, and got everything in the oven and blah, blah, blah, and we realised, if we pooled our resources, us young ladies, we could make a few more.
So we invented a new filling.
We cut up some Brillo Pads, a squirt of Fairy, a teaspoonful full of Ajax, mixed it in with the leftovers.
~ Yes! ~ Stuffed it in the pastry, brushed milk on the pastry, cooked them, they looked lovely.
Went off to whatever class it was next and fed them to the boys, who ate them.
I'm sorry, but, you know, they were complicit in their own downfall.
I would've spat that out.
~ Yeah, but boys, they'll eat owt, won't they? ~ Exactly.
~ Plus they're not very bright.
~ They're just wired differently.
So, they were all sick and we got sent to the head teacher and got detention, which we all agreed afterwards was worth it ~ because it was so funny.
~ Well done.
~ Thank you.
See? Not perfect after all.
And yet, ironically, my estimation of your mum now goes through the roof.
So what did you get in bother for? ~ Having sex in the cricket pavilion.
~ No, you're lying.
~ You're not going to go all headmistressy on me! ~ Who with? Robbie.
Probably.
Yeah, it would've been him.
You see? I really should've stuck with him.
Yeah.
Will you come? To the wedding.
I suppose it'd look odd if I didn't, wouldn't it? I can't believe that my mother has gone to a football match.
No.
No.
No.
Oh, it was interminable! We thought we were going to pass out, didn't we, Alan? I can think of other ways of spending a Saturday afternoon, champagne or no champagne.
And course we had to pretend we'd never had so much fun! It wouldn't have been so bad if one of them had scored.
~ I've had more fun at the dentist.
~ But they didn't.
And Gary was thrilled.
Apparently to them nil-nil is a good outcome.
I said, "How?" I wished I hadn't, because he explained.
~ And that took another three weeks.
~ I'm not going again.
Anyway, never mind that, hey what about you? Hey? Have you had a nice afternoon, our little Flora? ~ She's been looking at sheep.
~ Ooh! Why can't you just tell Gary? Why can't you just say? Why do you have to find excuses? Oh, because it's tricky, it's difficult.
And, you know, he's a nice lad.
I don't want to hurt his feelings.
And this is a man that could sell sand to the Arabs.
~ Saying no is not always an option.
~ And that.
~ Are you back at work yet, Caroline? ~ Yes, I've been back for two weeks.
I've taken on a nanny.
Holly.
Lovely girl.
And how've you been coping? Well, for the record, some of us would've loved to have spent all afternoon drinking champagne at a football match, Grandad.
Only some of us were working.
You love it! He loves it.
Why do people always ring at mealtimes? You've not left school as well though, have you, Raff? No, it's just a Saturday job, his.
But, you know, it could lead to something else.
~ Fine, I'm fine, thanks.
~ Not ~ Yeah, she's here ~ Why not? ~ Who is it? ~ What do you know? ~ She's just here.
More than you think.
(Gary.
) Gary! He can't leave us alone! How're you? 'Good, yeah, I'm good.
' Did Alan like the football? He loved it.
They both did! They've just been saying, they can't remember when they've had so much fun.
Well, maybe next time you could all come? 'Yeah, all of us! That'd be' Yeah, we'll look forward to that! I wasn't sure, I was worried they seemed a bit bored at one point, but Bored? God, no! Oh, well, I'm glad they're Are you doing anything on Monday? Monday lunchtime.
Me? Erm, Monday lunchtime I'm not near the calendar just this second.
But there are a couple of things I wanted to run past you.
OK.
Listen, Gary, we're just in the middle of supper just now and I've just got a baby on my knee.
~ Sorry! ~ 'So can I, erm, ring you back?' ~ Sure, sure, sure.
OK.
Later.
~ Later, bye-bye.
~ 'Bye-bye.
Bye.
' ~ Bye-bye.
Lunch! Monday! I've got a million and one things to do! ~ Just tell him! ~ He does seem very needy.
Yeah, well, I really like him.
I'm not criticising him, love.
Maybe it just goes with the territory, somebody so successful.
I suppose he's trying to come to terms with something pretty big, isn't he? Finding out that you probably weren't really wanted when you arrived.
Are you OK? Oh, it's just this aft.
Three times he introduced me to people.
"This is my dad, my real dad.
" Then all the explanations.
Don't tell me you hadn't noticed.
Well, of course I noticed.
"Oh, yes, this is my real dad, "bloke who was unfaithful to his wife.
" ~ Well, he never put it quite that bluntly, did he? ~ He didn't need to.
Can't he see that it's embarrassing for both of us? I mean you and me, not him.
Well, I suppose that's not how he thinks about it, is it? ~ Mm.
~ From Eileen's point of view.
~ No.
Or indeed mine.
Or yours.
~ It's all about him, isn't it? ~ Mm.
~ You'll have to say something if it's upsetting you.
~ I Ah, you're back.
Lawrence is in bed.
~ Thought you were staying at your flat.
~ Yeah, we were, but I think when it came to it he preferred to sleep in his own bed.
So I bought him some noise-cancelling headphones and I think those along with the earplugs when she starts .
.
might help.
~ Has she not? ~ No, not yet, but she will.
It's only because she's been in the car.
~ Do you want a glass of wine? ~ No, I'm going to bed.
~ How was Gillian? ~ Fine.
~ Good.
Good.
That's good.
And how how how are you? How are things? Shit.
But, you know, it'll get better.
No, it will.
Of course it will.
Right, well, I'll get my jacket.
You were happy today.
I saw you.
Briefly.
I just wanted to say, bit ironic now I've got the flat sorted out, but it was just to say that we had a great day, me and Lawrence, it was nice, he was happy, we enjoyed each other's company, and .
.
is there an argument Bear with me.
Is there an argument for you and me .
.
getting back together? No.
~ Fair enough, I just thought ~ Sure.
~ .
.
it was worth ~ Yeah.
.
.
suggesting.
Asking.
Seeing what you Well, anyway, I've put the idea out there.
~ Perhaps it's something to dwell on.
~ Sorry, hang on, wait a minute.
What? ~ Well? ~ It's six weeks tomorrow that Kate died, ~ it's less than six weeks since Kate died.
~ Well ~ Are you seriously asking me that question? ~ As I say God, you're like something out of a joke book.
It was just an idea.
For Lawrence and, well, for Laura ~ Flora! Actually.
~ Do you seriously think? You were the one who asked me if I'd help out the other day, ~ surely having two parents ~ What do you think I am? I don't think you do think, do you? I think you just let words spill out of your mouth and onto the floor ~ and see if anyone's stupid enough to pick them up.
~ OK, well, that's I'm a lesbian.
I like sleeping with other women, I always did.
And this is after you've been trying so blatantly ~ to get inside Gillian's knickers! Again.
~ That's That was never OK, forget it, I mistimed it Yeah, I think that just about sums it up.
OK.
Well, I'll ~ I'll drop the latch.
~ Yeah, if you would.
~ I'll phone you.
~ Right.
~ I'll ~ Yeah, whatever.
~ That's I told you I didn't want a baby.
I said I didn't want a baby.
I left you in such a mess didn't I? Are you angry with me? ~ Sometimes.
~ I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Is that how you feel? What you said at suppertime.
You know, thinking you probably weren't really wanted, ~ when you arrived.
~ No.
No.
We were really lucky though, weren't we? Maureen and Geoff adopting us when they did, when we were tiny.
Yeah, but your mum.
Your real mum.
I don't dwell on it.
Happen I should, but I don't.
Our Eddie did.
Course he were that bit older than me.
I sometimes think that's why he was such a mad bastard.
I think that he had more stuff.
Subconscious stuff, happen, to deal with than I had, but I've never heard you call him a mad bastard before.
What, our Eddie? ~ Yeah.
~ Well No.
But he had demons, didn't he? Yeah.
I've just never heard you say it before.
I always thought you thought the sun shone out of him.
I did, back then.
Only I don't know.
When you get to our age, and you look back, he was tormented, wasn't he? Way he behaved, way he carried on, way he drank.
Yeah, that's one word for it.
What are your plans? Well, we are so lucky because Mummy has insured other Mummy's car for us to drive! So we think today we might take a picnic to Knaresborough, ~ look at the rowing boats.
~ Ooh! Hello.
~ When did you get back? ~ Just this morning, just now.
~ Have you and Alan both recovered from the football? ~ Eugh.
I don't like football either.
Right, come on, let's get this re-entry meeting out of the way.
Twit.
I hope that isn't a smirk.
~ Have a nice day.
~ Ring me if you need me, don't hesitate.
And what about a kiss from big brother this morning? ~ No, I'm good.
~ Coward.
~ Behave! All of you.
~ I'm not its big brother.
~ Yes, you are.
~ No, I'm not.
~ Yes, you are.
~ Not.
~ Are.
~ Not.
~ You are.
~ Not.
So, Raff .
.
he wanted me to talk to you, he said if he said anything, it'd go down like a lead balloon, so He's fitting in really well by the way, he's such a bright lad, ~ everyone likes him.
~ He's not leaving school.
~ Well ~ He's going to university.
~ Well, OK It's what he wants, it's what I want, it's what me dad wants.
I completely understand.
All I wanted to say, you know, these days, kids, they go to university, and there's no guarantee whatsoever they're going to get any kind ~ of a job at the end of it.
What if? ~ You're wasting your time.
What if I take him on full time, permanent, send him on day release to tech to train as an accountant? Sorry? Sorry, he's done six Saturdays, carting boxes about in a warehouse, and you want to train him as an accountant? He's a smart cookie, he works hard, he's my nephew.
By the time he'd be leaving college, university, when would that be? 2017, 2018? He could already be on 35 grand a year.
Between them, him and Ellie, they could have a mortgage.
Well, you know, he can go to university ~ and THEN come and do that.
~ Why bother, why waste time? Because that's always been the plan.
OK.
OK.
You know this was his idea, it's not mine.
You know how bad he feels about Ellie earning all the money and him being so dependent on everyone, on you with Calamity.
We're managing.
And when the hell has he ever been interested in accountancy? No, that was a suggestion, that came from me.
We were He was talking about how awkward it is, being a dad, still being at school.
He thinks it's going to be impossible ~ to go away for three years.
~ Why? No, it won't.
Well, think about it from his point of view.
Going away, having a laugh for three years, everybody else looking after your baby.
I suppose a lot of lads might think that's all right, more than all right, but he's not like that, is he? Everyone else being with your baby, spending time with your baby and you're two million miles away.
OK, I'm not going to say anything more, I can see it's not Anyway, let's not fall out about this.
It was an idea, that's all.
~ OK.
~ OK.
~ Then the other thing.
~ Yeah? Oh, you're going to take this the wrong way.
~ How are the wedding plans? ~ Good.
~ Fixed a date? It's looking like towards the end of August.
How about? Why why don't I? Why don't you, you and Robbie? Why don't you let me pay for a really, really nice venue? A really big do.
Something really special to celebrate.
To celebrate obviously the wedding but to celebrate us finding each other like this.
Not that that would be the focus, obviously, you and Robbie'd be the focus.
But it would allow me the opportunity to say thank you.
For you being so generous.
And for letting me be part of the family.
I mean, you didn't have to do that.
You could've both ignored me, you and Alan, couldn't you? But you didn't.
I couldn't believe my ears! Does he think we're paupers? I don't I don't think that's how he'd have meant it, surely.
Yeah, yeah, he thinks we're bumpkins, he thinks we're hicks, he thinks we haven't got two brass farthings to wipe our arses with.
So Well, what did you say? That's really kind of you, Gary, but I can't have you doing that.
~ Well, think about it.
~ It's not something I'd feel comfortable with.
Why? I don't like owing people.
~ You wouldn't be owing me, that's not the point ~ It's how I'd feel.
'Then he sulked.
' ~ Sulked? ~ "Oh, I should never have offered.
"I keep forgetting I'm not really a member of the family.
"You probably hate me now.
" Blah, blah, blah.
You've got to stop being so paranoid, Gary.
It's not about you, it's about me.
I don't like I have this thing.
I don't like being dependent on people, anyone.
It's not about you, honestly.
Honestly, Gary.
Gary.
Well, you can bite my head off but I think you should accept it.
~ I think he's right about Raff as well.
~ Oh, really? Yeah, I do.
I know it's not what you planned, but Yeah, well, you know me dad'll go ballistic? Ever since when Raff was 12 and his science teacher said, "You know this lad could get in at a university," ~ me dad's had this dream of seeing him go.
~ I'm just saying.
And, think about it, if we let him pay for a big do, we could spend a bit more on the honeymoon, we could go somewhere really exotic.
We don't need a big do, we don't know that many people! I thought you wanted a hog roast up at Sportsman's.
Only cos we don't have silly money to chuck around! If we did, I'd splash out a bit more.
~ Would you? ~ Yeah.
It's not what I want.
Could I have a dry white wine and a pint of bitter? Thanks.
I think that's you.
Ooh! ~ Hello? ~ Alan, it's Gary.
Oh, hello! 'Where are you?' I'm We're in a pub.
Just outside Harrogate.
We've just been doing a bit of shopping.
Sorry to bother you, but, erm 'No, it's all right, lad.
' The thing is, I think I've upset Gillian.
(What does he want?) Gillian.
Have you? How? 'Have you spoken to her?' What, today? No.
Well, OK.
Obviously I didn't mean to upset her, but the thing is (Tell him no more football.
) Eh? I offered to pay for the wedding just as a thing, just as a you know, 'a token of I don't know, affection, something.
' And she, you know, she won't have it.
(Tell him not to do that thing of introducing you as his real father.
) I'm obviously worried that I've overstepped the mark and upset the apple cart and, you know, erm but it could be a really nice day.
Alan? Well, I would hope however much or however little they spent, it'd be a nice day.
Well, yeah, course.
But, erm And if anybody's putting their hand in their pocket, it should be me, shouldn't it? I'm her dad.
I'll back off.
No, no, it's not about backing off.
She's very fond of you.
~ It's about ~ 'Well, could you persuade her, then,' to accept it in the spirit it's intended? (Tell him it upsets you.
) No, no, if she's said no, I think you have to take it at face value.
'It's t'way she is.
' You'll just have to accept it.
It's no reflection on you.
~ 'It could be a really nice day.
' ~ Hello, love.
~ Mum, where are you? ~ We're just having a bit of lunch in a pub, why? ~ She's funny about her independence.
We've just had a phone call from the police in Bradford.
They've got Flora.
Why? What do you mean? What's? I don't know what's happened.
I just wondered if you could get there any faster than I can.
~ I'm just leaving, just now.
~ Well, we can try.
If we set off now, we could get there in, I don't know, half an hour, 40 minutes.
What's up? The police have got Flora.
What's happened? I don't know! All I know is that she's at some police station in Bradford.
Holly, apparently .
.
is in a cell and she's been arrested.
~ What for? ~ I'm going to have to go, Gary lad ~ I don't know! I've got no idea! ~ They were going to Knaresborough! I know, I know! They just said, "We think we've got your baby.
" ~ I'm going to have to catch you later.
~ We need to leave.
~ Ta-ta! ~ We'll see you there! ~ 'Bye.
' ~ Bye-bye! No, I'm the grandmother.
Well, step-grandmother.
~ Am I her step-grandmother? ~ No, legally you're her grandmother.
Anyway, what the hell I am.
She's Flora's My daughter's girlfriend wife's They're both gay, they're lesbians.
Anyway, erm So she's her baby.
Only she died, Kate did, my daughter's girlfriend's wife.
Erm And so my daughter is the legal parent-stroke-guardian now, you see, and she rang us to say that you I'm Caroline McKenzie-Dawson, we spoke on the phone.
Yes, would you like to come through? This is my mum and dad.
So what happened? What's happened? She drove through a red light at speed.
This lad here pulled her over and asked her to breathe into the tube.
That's when she kicked off - and I mean kicked off.
So he arrested her.
Then we got her on the intoximeter in here.
~ Four times over the limit.
~ And swearing like a trooper.
~ Four times? ~ Holly? Holly's not Well, some people are better at hiding it than others, aren't they? ~ Is it definitely Holly? ~ Well, who the hell else would it be? Who else would have Flora? White female, 5'5", long blonde hair, slim build, early 20s.
Well, thank God you pulled her over, lad, before she did owt worse.
Just doing his job.
Good lad, off you pop.
~ Thank you.
~ Where is Holly? ~ She's in the cells.
~ Can I see her? ~ No.
She'll be released when she's sober.
Does her mother know she's here? Does her husband? No, they get one phone call and she wanted us to ring you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Y'all right, love? Well, according to her mother, it's why she dropped out of university.
~ Good Lord.
~ I thought you got her through an agency? I did, she had references! The agency obviously knows nothing.
Well, presumably they don't ~ or they'd never have taken her on.
~ You see, they can hide it.
Her mother says she can be fine for weeks and then she'll have an upset or whatever and then she'll have a drink and she can't stop.
She must be sickened, her mother.
Look at me, I'm still shaking! It's a terrible disease, young lass like that.
She could've killed her! What was she not thinking? Getting into a car, getting behind the wheel of a car in that state with a baby? Someone else's baby! And where had she been to get so drunk? Where had Flora been? And why Bradford? You really ought to ring that agency.
I will, I'm going to! I just need a bit more They'll get shut of her.
~ .
.
equilibrium.
~ She'll not get work.
Well, she can't be in charge of little ones if she's Well, of course she can't.
You know she was such a nice girl at school.
She was so She was just perfectly normal, Kate knew her.
Kate would've been delighted with her.
How could I have known? ~ I couldn't have known, could I? ~ It's not your fault, love.
What the hell am I going to do? I knew I shouldn't have gone back to work.
That's it, I'm going to have to resign, I'm going to have to take early retirement, I'm just going to have to rethink everything.
There are other nannies.
No, no, no.
Kate - she'd kill me.
~ You can't resign.
~ What choice have I got? It's ridiculous! Even with a nanny I come home and there's everything still to do! I can't sleep, I can't think, I haven't got a second to myself! And then that's not good for her, I want her to feel loved, I don't want her to feel like she's an inconvenience.
Because she isn't.
I mean, who else is there? I mean, you know, we've said we'll do what we can, but I know, I know, I know, I know.
It's impossible.
The whole thing is impossible.
You know, if push comes to shove, which it would appear to have done, you could always ring Greg.
I suppose I could always ring Greg.
~ Who? ~ The father? ~ Mm.
~ Really? ~ I know you can't stand him.
~ I thought you thought he was a jerk.
~ Yeah, he is, but You know, I've always thought you'd feel very differently about him if you got to know him properly.
He offered at the funeral to help.
Ring him.
He's self-employed, I don't know what he does, but it meant he could be flexible, and and he did offer.
And you saw what he was like with her, I mean Well, he'd love her.
Wouldn't he? Yeah, but he can't just drop everything, can he? I bet he would.
A kiss on the hand may be quite Continental But diamonds are a girl's best friend A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental For your humble flat or help you at the automat ~ 'Hello?' ~ Greg? It's Caroline Dawson McKenzie.
Kate's wife.
How-How're you? Personally I was thrilled.
I'd love a big do, I quite fancy that place Celia and Alan got wed.
~ Oh, that was well classy! ~ Food was amazing.
We sang.
Grandad sang a song to Celia and we did backing vocals and a dance.
~ My God, you should've seen it.
~ I wish I had! ~ It were brilliant! ~ It was summat.
You could sing a song to me mum! Yeah, in front of everybody from our nick(!) Yeah, that's happening.
Ah, here she is! Gillian I hope you didn't bugger up the undercarriage of your jalopy driving up our track.
Oh, it'll survive.
Listen, I've come to apologise.
I spoke to Alan on the phone and I overstepped the mark at lunchtime and it's not what you want, and I'm sorry.
~ It isn't that we're not grateful ~ Very grateful, more than grateful.
Personally I can't see why we're not biting your hand off, pal.
Well, the offer's still there.
We were saying, we could get wed at that same place ~ that your dad and Celia got wed.
~ We're not doing that, all right? Well, I think Well, you know what I think, I think it's a shame.
It were really good, it was really nice, it was such a good day.
And it didn't cost that much, you told me.
You organised it.
You and Caroline.
~ How much was it? ~ It was silly money for what it was.
But it was what me dad wanted, and it was his money so It was just over £5,000 for 30 people! A five-course meal.
It's ridiculous! The champagne alone cost about five million quid.
Then the flowers were another arm and another leg cos Celia had to have them everywhere.
~ But you see that's ~ What? ~ £5,000, it's It's nothing? Neither here nor there? It is when you drive an Aston Martin.
Gary.
I think you're just being a bit stubborn, Mum.
And And then there's the other thing.
Erm, just let me know when you're ready, when you've had a chance to think about it properly.
Yeah? ~ You mentioned it? ~ Right, well, we'll discuss it.
There's nothing to discuss, I'm old enough to make me own decisions.
There's plenty to discuss.
~ I want the job.
Gary.
~ Do you want to break your grandad's heart? ~ Because that is what will happen.
~ That's emotional blackmail.
I think it is something you should discuss with your mum ~ and your grandad.
~ You know this is about her.
She buggered up her chance of going to university by getting pregnant.
Oh, yeah! So now she wants to inflict it on me.
~ Oh, inflict it? ~ It's all about her! It's not about me or my situation.
Oh, I'm sorry I want to inflict a university education on you.
I'm sorry I want you to do well for yourself.
There's different ways of doing well for yourself.
Don't you get it? You see, she's not even listening.
~ Well done.
~ Don't talk to Gary like that! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start a massive argument between you.
~ Raff came to me ~ I went to him.
It was just an idea.
~ You're finishing your A levels.
~ No, I'm not.
~ At the very least you're finishing your A levels.
~ What's the point? The only reason I'd finish my A levels is to get the grades I need for Leeds.
So if I'm not going, I don't need 'em! Can I have some support here? I can see both sides.
Right, ring your grandad.
~ And if your grandad says yes, it's fine by me.
~ Really? No.
It'll never be fine by me.
But I'm sick of being a sodding punchbag.
When's all this cropped up? Just this aft.
I met him at lunchtime.
Why? You know he rang me this aft.
He were worried that he'd upset you ~ 'over offering to pay for the wedding.
' ~ Oh, did he? But he didn't say owt about this Raff not going to university business.
'Yeah, well, that figures.
' ~ I told him how upset you'd be.
~ 'What shall I do?' Shall I talk to the lad? Well, he sure as hell ain't listening to me.
~ Is he there? ~ 'No, I'm in t'barn' On me own with t'sheep.
I'm sulking.
Happen it'd be better face to face.
Do you want me to pop over? ~ 'Can you be arsed?' ~ I can't pop over, I've got to be on hand for Caroline.
'Give me a minute, love.
' But is it all right if I go? ~ Yeah, course.
~ Yeah? Well, OK then, if I set off in t'next quarter of hour, I can be there by half past seven.
I'll be on me own, though.
Yeah, we've had a bit of a drama ourselves.
We were in t'police station over in Bradford, this aft.
Why? What y'been up to this time? ~ Hiya.
~ What you doing here? Came to see you.
Who's that? Me dad.
I don't want to fall out wi' you, you know, Gillian.
Yeah, I can see what you're saying.
If our little Calamity hadn't turned up it'd be a different tale, but Yes, I can see what you're saying.
But you're disappointed.
I think you can do well whatever you turn your mind to.
I think you're old enough to make your own choices.
~ What do you think, Ellie? ~ She wants me to stay at school.
It was different for me leaving.
I couldn't live in someone else's house and not bring in some money, could I? And I left so you wouldn't have to.
You see? Nobody's on my side.
Your mother thinks nobody's on HER side.
Anyway, I'm not taking sides.
I think you're old enough and smart enough to make an intelligent and informed choice.
~ Will you do me a favour though, lad? ~ What? Will you dwell on it for two weeks? Before you do make a decision, one way or t'other.
Before you throw t'towel in at school.
I'm not going to change my mind.
OK.
If Gary's good with that.
He's a bit of a bloody nuisance, Gary, isn't he? I never told you t'thing that ~ pissed me off most.
~ What? ~ At football.
~ What? Introducing me to folk as his real dad.
I don't mind in private, but to all and sundry! In front of Celia.
"Yeah, this is the fella that cheated on his wife, folks!" No way.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm still fond of him.
But it's like he doesn't think about how it affects other people.
Well, exactly.
I've got an interview.
Tomorrow afternoon.
Working on t'checkout at Patterson's down in Sowerby Bridge.
~ You don't have to do that.
~ No, but, you know ~ .
.
I want to.
~ Fine.
You know on Saturday night ~ .
.
when we were talking about Eddie? ~ Yeah.
~ About how he had demons.
~ Yeah.
I never told anyone this before.
What? He used to knock me about.
Why didn't you tell someone? Because .
.
you don't like to admit that it's happening.
Because it's humiliating.
And because you're scared if you tell anyone it'll backfire and you'll only have made it a thousand times worse.
I'm lying .
.
actually.
Saying I never told anyone.
I didn't tell anyone at the time.
But I told Caroline.
~ When? ~ Last year.
Just before Christmas.
~ Why Caroline? ~ I don't know.
Sometimes we tell each other stuff.
I told her .
.
that I've shed blood.
In every room in this house.
I told her that he once stubbed a fag out on my neck.
Why're you telling me this now? Because .
.
I can.
Because you called him a mad bastard.
I never heard you say that before.
Mum.
Mum.
Mum.
~ Mum.
~ Hello.
~ There's a man.
~ What? ~ At the door.
~ Have you let him in? ~ Am I supposed to? Ohhh! ~ Caroline.
~ Greg.
Come in.
Sorry, Lawrence didn't know.
That's all right! I wouldn't let me in in the middle of the night, either.
~ Lawrence, this is Greg.
~ Hi.
~ Greg? ~ Burchill.
~ Burchill! ~ Hi.
Greg is Flora's biological dad.
Lawrence is my youngest.
~ Sorry, do you want to come through? ~ Thanks.
Hello! Aren't babies great? I didn't really expect you to come all the way over from Manchester tonight.
Oh, I'm delighted, I told you.
It's very kind of you.
Well, we need to see what we can do, don't we? Yes, we do! You're not the Greg Burchill that does the Deathgrip books, are you? The what? The what? It's my thang.
Deathgrip.
Comic strip.
~ Superhero.
Well, antihero.
~ Ah.
~ Have you not? ~ You have! She has.
I've got all of them.
~ No way! ~ All of them.
~ A boy with impeccable taste, I see.
Oh, my God.
No-one's going to believe this.
~ I don't think I've ~ It's why I can work anywhere, more or less.
I draw cartoons, basically.
And I can do it anywhere with a few basic bits of kit.
~ So, my God! What happened? ~ Oh.
Well This Holly sounds like she needs her arse kicking.
~ She does! She seriously does.
~ I am speaking metaphorically.
Obviously, I don't go around kicking people's arses myself.
But, 'ey, no, Caroline, I was fuming when you told me.
I'm serious, I was angry.
It's bad, it's rubbish, it's ~ .
.
not good enough.
So, Lawrence, what do you think ~ of your new little baby sister then, eh? ~ Yeah, she's all right.
Yeah, but, no, the thing is, we weren't even going to do that story about Petra Hazard stealing the digital serum from Judge Von Hinkle.
How mad is that? Deathgrip wouldn't have found Detective Cavalcanti with Dr Zealander.
~ Exactly.
Exactly.
Well, he would have.
~ Which one's Petra Hazard? ~ Wow.
~ I know.
I know.
Petra's that one there.
She's the true Queen of Antakya, but But she's been ousted by the rebel zombies, so now she's like an outlaw.
But in a good way, like Robin Hood.
I'm surprised she can balance with knockers that size.
I'm surprised she doesn't just fall over.
They get bigger as it goes along.
It's like a convention.
You've to aim it for the audience that buys it.
Good Lord.
Good morning.
I came to see if there was anything I can do to help, but Nappy - not too tight, not too slack.
~ Good! Good.
~ Bottles cooling.
Mother-in-law on hand all day with endless stream of more-than-welcome vital comments.
Is he being sarcastic? No.
Are you absolutely sure about this? I'm giving it a go, Caroline.
If I can do three or four hours' work with the radio on and she's happy to let me.
We're just going to give it a whirl and see what happens.
Eh? Aren't we? "Yes! "Yes, we are, Daddy.
" Sorry.
Sorry.
Er it just It just slipped out.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, everyone.
But you are her daddy.
I've got to go.
Sure.
~ Ring me.
~ Course.
~ You know where everything is.
~ I think so.
Look after her.
She is wrapped in cotton wool after yesterday.
Or shall we put her in a sandwich and eat her up? Ooh, I know! Look at that smile.
I know Oh, it's just wind.
~ See you.
~ Bye.
Bye.
Right, come on! ~ Next Monday! 8:30.
Thanks, then.
~ See you there.
~ Ta-rah.
Gillian Greenwood.
Long time no see.
Do you not still go up t'White Horse of a Friday night, then? Hello, Ollie.
No.
No, no, I don't.
Shame.
~ How's your mum? ~ Yeah! Yeah, not so bad.
Mad cow.
~ So, what y'up to? ~ Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
~ Yeah? What were you doing with Mr Leafield? ~ Oh, just ~ .
.
starting work here on Monday.
~ Joking! Nope.
Checkout.
So, you're? ~ Cheese.
~ Right.
~ Been trained.
~ Yeah? So, what you doing this lunchtime? Anything? ~ Well, I'm Yeah.
You know.
Busy.
~ I've got an hour.
~ Lucky you.
~ If you're not doing owt.
~ I'm busy.
~ Oh, well.
~ Yup.
~ Shame.
~ Yeah? ~ Looks like I might be seeing a bit more of you though, then.
~ 'Spect so.
~ You're looking good.
~ Bye.
(Oh.
) Clean up on aisle six.
Afternoon! Evening! ~ Ah! Is Mum? ~ Mum! Dad's here.
I love making bread.
I used to be rubbish at it, but it's one of those things - you're going to be rubbish at it when you start! Why wouldn't you be? It's about persevering, it's about passion, it's about obsession.
I reckon by the time I'm 90, it won't just be perfect, it'll be consistently perfect.
~ Do I sound like a right wanker? ~ No.
S'Dad.
Hello.
Hiya! Who are those for? Well, they were for Mum.
Just to say sorry for the other day.
The other night.
I didn't mean to annoy you.
This is Greg.
How's How's Flora? She's fine! She's had a good day.
She poos green.
I don't know why, but Celia seemed to think it was normal.
~ Normal enough, so ~ Did she? ~ Yeah.
I consulted opinion and we didn't even have to pester Mum at work! Did I thought Didn't you have a nanny working for you? Ooh, steady on, we don't mention her.
That didn't work out.
~ Right.
~ So Greg's helping.
Have we met before? Erm I was at Kate's funeral.
I think I saw you there.
John's my ex-husband.
Cool.
We're just eating.
Right.
Well, I'll Do you want to do anything? Tomorrow? Cinema? ~ Pizza? ~ No, I'm good, thanks.
OK, well, I'll See ya, Popsicle.
What were we talking about? Bread! Are those chrysanthemums? ~ Er ~ 18 years I was married to that man, and he still doesn't know I can't stand the smell of chrysanthemums.
Tch! Men.
Oh, hello.
~ Who is that? ~ Oh, next door? Greg! It's Greg.
~ He's moved in.
~ Yes, well, who is he? He's a friend.
Of Kate's.
He's the baby's father.
The biological father.
He's a bit of an acquired taste, but once you get used to him, he's actually rather fun.
He's very talented - have you seen what he does for a living? ~ No.
~ And he's very good with the baby.
I think he could be just what Caroline's looking for.
Are you all right? God, I've made such a mess of things, Celia, haven't I? Do you want to come inside? I'll make some tea, then.
I know I've brought it all on myself, but, you know, it was never really what any of them thought it was - with Judith.
I mean, you know, you had a fling.
You know it's never black and white.
I knew right from the start she .
.
wasn't someone to be in love with.
We got drunk one night at a little departmental bash for the third years - they'd finished their finals.
I'd seen her in the library a few times.
She was always a bit different.
She had ambitions.
She wanted to write.
She knew my work.
Then the first time I you know ended up in bed with her .
.
I didn't know she was an alcoholic! I just thought we were both a bit drunk.
~ We're talking about Judith.
~ Are you? Well, and your What was she called? Gary's mother.
Mary, she was called.
Mary.
So, before I knew it, one of the departmental secretaries rang Caroline up.
They were friends.
And she knew I'd been trying to cool things off with Judith.
Trying to cool things off before anything even started! But, oh, no, that wasn't good enough.
So, what happened? ~ Is it true? ~ It didn't.
doesn't mean anything.
Just to be clear, we're talking about sex.
I didn't believe her on the phone.
~ How long has it been going on? ~ Just ~ When did you start sleeping with her? ~ Oh, er, tch Just after Just after ~ Christmas.
~ Christmas.
So, that's four, nearly five months that we've been and you've been Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why would you What wasn't? ~ Why? ~ I don't know.
~ No.
No.
No.
No.
~ Why? ~ I don't ~ WHY? ~ I thought I was .
.
in love with her.
So, what happened then? Well, it sort of went downhill from that point.
18 years! 18 fucking years! Caroline! Caroline! Stop it, Caroline! The boys are in tears, they don't know what's going on! Oh, well, shall we tell them? Do you want to tell them or shall I? I think you're becoming hysterical.
No, really, I think you are actually becoming Daddy has been having it off with somebody else, boys! That's That's That's just irresponsible.
Despite having a beautiful home, two wonderful children and a pretty damned fantastic WIFE, Daddy has been putting it about elsewhere! That's What? What? What is it? Are you embarrassed? Embarrassed? You shit! YOU SHIT! Heck.
Yeah.
I left.
I left and I didn't want to.
And the irony is that her version of events, ie, the official version of events - the one that everyone believes, including my children - is that I left her for an alcoholic.
And it just wasn't like that.
Is that you? Hello.
It's Gillian.
Dad, have you seen this week's courier? ~ 'No.
' ~ Er You're not going to believe this What is it, love? All you want to do is humiliate me, I suspect.
Well, well done, you've succeeded.
~ It's embarrassing.
~ Maybe he should feel a little bit guilty.
~ I shagged this bloke I work with.
~ When? You're surely not worried she's changed her mind? ~ Two can play at that game.
~ You never wanted me to marry him! ~ I thought we were just friends.
~ I wonder if I chose the wrong person.
~ None of them's answering their phones.
~ 'What's up?' I can't do it.
You were right.
I can't marry him.