Lead Balloon (2006) s03e05 Episode Script
Spikey
You're listening to Phil Randell on Rumour FM, the home of chat, erwhere we're waiting to take your calls to comedian Rick Spleen, who's with us in the studio tonight.
So, like I say, if you've got, erany questions you'd like to put to him Erdoesn't have to be about comedy.
It can be anything at all.
Erwe'd love to hear from you.
That phone number once again, 6300 9001 00.
Have we got any, er No.
Well, umgood, because, erthat means I can ask Rick another question.
- You've got a load of things to ask me.
- No, let's have some music instead.
(# SUPERTRAMP: Dreamer) ct Dreamer ct - It's working, the switchboard? - Yeah.
To be honest, my fan base are probably out clubbing, really, at this time.
Ch-ch-ch ct You're nothing but a dreamer ct I love this album.
Hm.
Supertramp.
Do you - (BUZZING) - Oh, you got a call.
Call.
Internal.
ct I wanna get high But I really can't take the pain ct (SOUNDTRACK DROWNS SPEECH) - Hey, Sam, you're up early.
- Yeah.
- I actually haven't been to bed yet.
- She's been out at a party.
So, was Ben there? No, erjust like Spikey and his mates.
Oh, right.
Well, erI guess I'd better go to bed.
(LAUGHS) - Night, Mum.
- Good night, darling.
- So, has she heard from Ben? - I don't know.
Don't keep mentioning him.
She doesn't seem to be missing him.
Course she is.
That's what all this partying's about.
- I know we've been a bit down about Ben.
- We? But Spikey? He's like a walking bio-hazard.
- He's being very kind to Sam.
- Looks like he was brought up by wolves.
- Hello.
- Hi, Magda.
- You all right? - My sister Agatha is getting married.
- Agatha's getting married? How exciting! - I didn't know you had a sister.
- So, come on.
Who's she marrying? - Is called Uri.
He's older than Agatha.
I met him once, long time ago.
- Is he nice? - No.
- Thank you.
- So, when is it? - One month.
- And you're going, obviously? - Hm, if I can have time.
- Of course you can.
Thank you.
I am trying to book coach but it's very difficult, and to fly, it's very expensive.
Maybe Uri can pick you up in his van.
- So, how did the phone-in go? - The radio show? Yeah.
Yeah.
It was You didn't hear it, then? No, uhluckily I have a life.
So, how did it go? Yeah, it went pretty well.
You know, it was mostly just fans ringing in.
Same old questions.
"Were you funny at school?" "Yes.
Next caller.
" No, it was good to do.
Can we get on with this? I want to get it right.
- Why are you so keen? - These people are important.
They're players, advertising people.
the Direct Marketing Weekly ctwctctctsct That's a magazine about junk mail.
- It's all part of the same world.
- In fact it's junk mail about junk mail.
But they all mix in the same circles.
Next time they're casting aa car ad or a lager campaign, they'll say Who was the guy that did the junk mail awards? No, they're gonna say, "You remember Rick Spleen? "He really made us laugh.
Let's get him in.
" You're right.
Maybe Steven Spielberg was listening to your phone-in show and is trying to get a hold of you even as we speak.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe he is.
Maybe he could team me up with a decent writer.
We can but dream.
- I think you should apologise to him.
- Ah, Bryony will have sorted him out.
- Analysts can't fix everything.
- Afternoon, gents.
- Hello, Michael.
- Eryeah, Michael.
II was gonna sayI may have been a bit harsh the other day.
- Sorry? - Erabout the painting that you did.
- Oh, that.
- I didn't mean to be rude about it.
No, no, no, no, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah.
All helps test the old coping strategies.
In fact Bryony said I handled it remarkably well.
Good.
As long as there are no hard feelings.
Oh, God no, no.
Otherwise I'd have phoned in and complained.
Rumour FM? - You caught some of that, did you? - Yes, I heard the whole thing.
Poor old Phil Randell was getting a bit desperate.
- Not really.
- I'm starting to wish I heard this show.
I mean, no calls at all? That's got to be some sort of record.
I actually felt really sorry for you.
I almost was gonna phone in.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you didn't.
Can I have the lasagne? Actually, maybe I should have done that.
"Hello, Rick.
"Erwhat's your favourite café?" (chuckles) - Just the lasagne.
- You know, a bit of free advertising.
Wouldn't have made any difference cos no-one was listening.
- That's not true.
- Lasagne, was it? Two.
Two.
Yeah, see, what they couldn't say on air is that their switchboard wasn't working.
Why can't they say that on air? I think it was legal reasons, they said.
Yeah, it was legallegal reasons.
Oh, OK.
Oh, umincidentally, I'm not gonna be here this weekend.
- I'm off to Hastings.
- Lucky you! - What happens there? - Chess.
- You're going to Hastings to play chess? - Yes.
Not just chess.
It's more of a social occasion.
- There's a bunch of us who play online.
- Ohh.
Someone suggested, let's meet up, have a laugh, play a bit of chess.
- Sounds fun.
- Yeah, should be.
Booked a hotel.
- Did they have a pawn channel? - Well - P-A-W - Oh, pawn channel? (CHUCKLES) Very good, yes, pawn channel.
I'll use that one.
Did you book a room for a night? - K-N - I'll just check on your lasagne.
Can you imagine anything sadder than a bunch of online chess players getting together in a hotel in Hastings? Let me see A phone-in show with no callers? Because the coach journey's a nightmare.
Takes about three days.
But I don't see why we should pay for Magda to fly out to her sister's wedding.
It's a nice gesture.
Well, buy her a flat.
That would be a nice gesture.
- I'm paying for it, and that's that.
- Car or Have you remembered about tomorrow night? - The theatre.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, try not to sound too excited.
- It's very sweet of Susan to treat us.
- Yeah.
Why has she asked us, anyway? She's not in it, is she? Why would she be in it? She does a gardening show.
Look, it's just her way of thanking me.
She got a lot of work last year.
It's just a bit of a funny present, that's all.
What's wrong with a nice meal in a restaurant? Nothing.
You can take us all out for one afterwards if you like.
No, no, no, no.
Susan's treat.
I don't want to upstage her.
Good.
Never know, you might enjoy it.
Yep.
(SIGHS) - Only I've heard it's not that good.
- It's had rave reviews.
- Has it? - Yeah.
- What's it called again? - Resolution.
It's the one by Daniel Conway.
(SIGHS) Daniel Conway? He's not a playwright.
He's a stand-up and not a very good one.
- Did you work with him a lot? - Yeah.
I kept ending up on the same bill as him.
He was useless.
- I always said he should give up.
- Sounds like it was good advice.
Why does he want to start writing plays all of a sudden? I bet it's rubbish.
A hell of a cast.
Kenneth Albright's in it.
Ugh.
Sir Ken.
Always thought he was overrated.
"Daniel Conway's Gulf War poctgmict Resolution "is an outstanding work from an important new voice in the theatre.
" Theatre critics are so easily impressed.
You'd never get a review like that if it was stand-up.
No, you wouldn't.
Now, we can get on with these advertising awards.
The junk mail ones? It's not junk mail, it's direct marketing.
It's a multi-million-pound industry.
- Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi, Sam.
How's it going? - Hi.
Yeah, good.
UmDad, if you're going anywhere near a post office, could you post that for me, please? It's for Ben.
Yeah, he left it when he was picking up his stuff the other day.
- Can't you take it round to him? - ErI think it would be a bit - Eryou should probably just post it.
- Well, can't you post it? Not really.
Umso it'd probably be best if you did it.
- It hasn't got any stamps on it.
- Yeah, that's why I can't post it.
- Oh.
- You have to take it to the post office.
Some people, you have to explain everything.
Oh, umso, what time are you and Mum going out tonight? - About six, I think.
Why? - Well, just someone might come round.
Oh, Sam, it's not Spikey, is it? Erno, no.
Well, it might be.
No, sorry, Sam.
I don't want Spikey coming to the house.
No, no, no, definitely, definitely.
So, you won't forget to post that, will you? No, no.
What is it, anyway? - It's not drugs, it is? - I wouldn't give it back if it was.
(CHUCKLES) - Oh, hi, Magda.
- Hello.
- I'm very happy.
- Are you? About wedding.
Mel has said she will buy plane ticket for me.
Oh, she's told you, has she? Yeah, I thought it would be a nice gesture.
Thank you.
I am going to be bridesmaid.
Bridesmaid? Yeah, why not? Do you think you'll catch the bouquet? - Please? - At the wedding.
It's a fun tradition.
The bride throws her bunch of flowers over her shoulder and whoever catches it is the next one to get married.
- (CHUCKLES) - I don't want to do this.
No, well, don't, then.
I keep this because it's what I want to buy Agatha and Uri for wedding present.
- A disabled bath? - No, not that one, this one.
Oh.
Charming ceramic cottage from the wonderful world of Gulliver.
Oh, very nice.
You would like to be given this for gift? Me? Personally? Erit depends.
Because I look but cannot find what Uri have ask for.
Oh.
What did Uri ask for? Special stick.
It's electric for, erpushing cows.
- A cattle prod? - I think so.
Ermit's for farm.
Do you know where I can buy cattle prod? Er You could try Debenhams.
Debenhams.
Dick! Dick! - You all right, Dick? - Yeah, it's Rick.
Yes, hello, Spikey.
- So, what's happening? - We're all queuing at the post office.
- (LAUGHS) I like it.
- Good.
Having a beer, are you? - Oh, you want some? - I won't, thank you.
No, very kind.
Are you cashing your giro? What this? Nah.
- Someone else's.
(CHUCKLES) - Oh.
Oh, God.
- So, is Sam with you, then? - No, it's just me.
- Do you know where she is, like? - No, I don't, I haven't seen her.
- That's a bummer.
- Yes, it is.
A real bummer.
- Only I was gonna go and see her later.
- She's not there, so I wouldn't bother.
- I might take a stroll round there.
- I really wouldn't.
- I did call her but my battery's flat.
- Oh, shame, yeah.
I can't charge it, cos they cut the leccy off.
- Oh, God.
Bad luck.
- Bastards, eh? Aren't they? Yeah, that's terrible.
- I couldn't borrow your mobile? - I haven't got - I'll give it back to you tomorrow.
- No, I haven't got it on me, my mobile.
Actually, you know what? I parked on a meter so I'd betterI'd better Yeah, I'd better.
I'll just post this another time.
- It's all right, I'll post it for you.
- No, no, it's fine, thanks.
- So, what was her number again? - UmI can't remember it, sorry.
- All right, so what's your home number? - Umwhat was it? Erthey changed it recently, cos our number was very like someone else's, and we kept getting a lot of wrong numbers so they gave us a new number but No worries, Dick.
Just give us the address, then.
Erwell, like I say, she's not there.
So, what's the point in having it oror knowing it? No point at all, really, if you think about it.
Er Sorry, can I just get by? I'm not trying to get out of going.
I just think it might be a good idea if I stayed at home in case Spikey turns up.
- So what if he does? - So what? We'll get back, there'll be music thumping out, wigwams in the garden, people crapping in the window boxes.
I thought you said you gave him a false address.
Well, don't underestimate him.
He's like a rat.
He'll find his way in somehow.
Which ones do you think? Well, I'd take the most expensive ones - just in case Spikey does come round.
Can we just concentrate on having a nice night at the theatre, please? Yeah, yep.
Sorry.
- So, how long is this play, anyway? - Umfour-and-a-half hours.
- What? - And there's an interval.
Come on.
Stop being such a pain.
This is really nice of Susan.
- What's her husband like? - Brendan? Yeah, he's - How would you describe Brendan? - Oh, say no more.
Look, just try and enjoy yourself.
We're about to see one of the finest living actors on stage.
Oh, yes, Sir Ken.
I've always thought he was a bit of a lightweight.
These tears, this blood that falls to earth for earth This flag that waves its bloody stripes and trails its deathly shadow across the sand.
My name is written here on every burned and rotting body.
My name is written and it is shame.
(APPLAUSE) - Wow, this is brilliant, isn't it? - It's fantastic.
- Incredible.
- Did we order interval drinks? - Mel, glass of wine? - Oh, can't, I'm driving.
- Oh, Rick'll drive, won't you? - Well, no.
Oh, well, in that case, I'll have a glass of white, please, Brendan.
Sure.
Rick, lemonade, Fanta? ErDiet Coke, please.
Ice and lemon? Might as well push the boat out.
(GUFFAWS) I'll be back in one sec.
So, come on.
Are you gonna admit that it's brilliant? Well, I wouldn't say brilliant.
It's OK, it's very derivative.
- Derivative? Of what? - You know, of other plays in general.
War is bad.
Well spotted(!) Yeah, but leaving aside the fact that it's written by someone you know and dislike? It's not just that.
I just think he's missed a few tricks.
God, the queue! Isn't it just the most wonderful play? Well, Kenneth Albright is an amazing actor.
Yeah, but the writing is so sophisticated.
- He's such a commanding stage presence.
- So intelligent.
Hmm.
I could happily watch him reading a bus timetable.
But for a new writer as well.
Daniel Conway.
He's sprung out of nowhere.
- I mean, who is he? - Rick knows him.
He was a comedian.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You know him? - Yeah.
How? Well, he used to be a comedian.
That's what Oh, sorry.
Silly me.
Yes, of course.
Gosh, he's done well, then, hasn't he? Here we go.
Now, that's for Mel.
- Oh, thank you.
- For you, my darling.
And a Coke - Oh.
- and a packet of crisps for the lad.
- Are you not drinking, then? - Erno.
Designated driver.
Here's to a bloody good play.
Wonderful.
Now, Rick.
Did I hear you on Rumour FM the other day? Er Hm? Because I don't sleep any more.
I close my eyes but it doesn't go away.
WOMAN: Stop it.
Don't do this to yourself.
You've done what is right.
I've done what is right.
I've done what is right.
- You have.
Hold on to the truth.
- But whose truth? Believing in something until your soul is bursting with it doesn't make it the truth.
- There's nothing to doubt.
- (PHONE RINGS) You craved authority, - the power to decide what the truth is.
- (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) You clawed that power from others who desired it just as much as you, and now you cry?! You stand before me and say you're haunted by visions.
- (RINGING STOPS) I am.
And now you just want to wipe away time itself? Rebuild all that you've destroyed, bring to life all that you have killed? - (PHONE BEEPS) - KENNETH: Yes, I wish for all of that.
If my heart was not twisted - with the pain of this useless remorse - (PHONE BEEPS) but God himself would not weep at what I've done.
- (PHONE BEEPING) - But you you are free of these thoughts.
Did I shield you from the guilt at all? (PAPER RIPPING) - I closed your sweet eyes - (PHONE RrmGs) - (CLUNK) - Oh! - (PHONE RINGS) - Sorry, can we just stop? Can whoever that mobile phone belongs to just take it and shove it up your arse? It's not actually Just go, hm? If your phone calls are so important.
Hi.
Yah, I'm at the theatre.
Yah, see you in the bar.
Ta-ta! Go on, shoo.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- It's very good, by the way.
- Just go.
(WHISPERS) Oh, I'm sorry.
(LAUGHS) (HE SIGHS) Oh, God.
It's Spikey.
- Oh, so much for your false address.
- I told you he'd find his way here.
- Dick! Hey, Dick! - Oh, God, he's seen us.
- What address did you give him? - Number 21 .
What, you didn't even change the street name? I had to think on my feet.
- Hello, Spikey.
- So, what's happening? - Well, we've just been to the theatre.
- Nice one.
Which one's your house? I thought you said 21 .
Did I? Oh, my mistake, sorry.
I've been knocking on a few doors and they're a bit arsey around here.
- Well, it is nearly midnight.
- Is it all right if I come and see Sam? - I think it's a bit late now, Spikey.
- Can I come in and watch telly? There's nothing good on, just documentaries and I don't think Can I just come in for a minute? Order a cab? - That's gonna take ages.
- You're right, it could.
So (SIGHS) You're not gonna smoke that in here, are you? - It's just a cigarette.
- I know.
It's just I don't like people smoking in my car.
- Fair play.
- Thanks.
I'll open this up, yeah? (WINDOW OPENS) (COUGHS) (SNIFFS) You know, you really should have a seat belt on.
- No, you're all right.
- It's just that it's pretty dangerous.
I could brake suddenly and you'd go straight through the windscreen.
(CHUCKLES) There's this party over at Elephant ct Castle.
Can you drop us off there? No, Spikey.
I'm not driving all the way over there.
- I'll get you in.
It's gonna be sick.
- Oh, is it? Look, whywhy don't I drop you off here? You can get a minicab, I'll give you some money.
Yeah, all right.
Cheers, Dick.
You sure you don't want to come to this party? II've thought about it and I am sure.
Yeah, maybe I'll give it a miss, do something else.
See you around.
- OK.
- Thanks for that! Yeah, that's not what it looks like! (DOOR CLOSES) (DOOR SLAMS) - Oh, hi, Magda.
- Hello.
How was play? Well let's just say I didn't stay till the end.
Any luck with the cattle prod? Oh.
No.
Agatha's not getting married now.
- Oh, dear.
Sorry to hear that.
- Because Uri already has wife.
Has he? Oh.
And you're only allowed one wife in? - Yes! - Same as here, then.
But Agatha's very upset because this has happened before.
- Has it? - Once she met man who say he is doctor.
- Doctor? - He is not doctor.
- He is man who mends washing machines.
- Oh, dear.
But she is in love with him, and he's out all night spending time on mending the washing machine.
- Oh, terrible.
- She's asking him but he's not answering.
Yeah.
I've got to get going, cos He's not telling her the truth and, hm, she has brought dress now.
- Got something highly important to do.
- Oh, it's very expensive.
And she has used all family money.
Family is angry, and Agatha is upset ct Hold on, now your exÃt's here ct It's waÃtÃng just for you ct Don't pause too long, it's fading now ct It's endÃng all too soon ct You'll see ct - Rick? - I think this might be yours.
Oh, cheers, yeah.
I've been looking for that.
- Well, there it is.
- Yeah, tried ringing it last night.
- Did you? - Yeah, couldn't hear it so - Well, I did.
- That was lucky.
I was actually in a theatre when it rang.
Oh, right, yeah.
Cos you're supposed to turn them off, aren't you? They've got signs.
Yes, but I didn't know it was a phone.
It was in an envelope to post to you.
Sam left it on.
Oh! God, that must have been embarrassing.
(chuckles) No.
So, she all right? Yeah, yeah.
She's, um she's at home, you know, if Yeah, yeah.
I, er might give her a bell now I've got Yeah, maybe do that.
She might, you know Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely.
- So, erthanks for - OK, then.
Eryeah, see you.
Yeah, see you, Rick.
That is hilarious, yeah.
Do you mind if I use that line when he gets here? - I wouldn't.
- He won't know it's yours.
- He will.
- Surely he'll find it funny.
He's gonna be a bit sensitive.
It's bad enough it got into the paper.
Oh, here he is.
- Oh, hi.
- All right? - How was your chess weekend? - Oh, it was a bit disappointing.
Yeah, to be honest, I found them all a bit odd.
- Really? - Bunch of misfits, no social skills.
So, anyway, I just left.
Didn't even say goodbye.
- Michael to station, checkmate.
- oh! (LAUGHS) So, anyway, Rick, sorry to hear about your mobile phone fiasco.
Oh, yeah, actually, it wasn't my mobile phone.
As usual, they got the story wrong.
Is the lasagne still on? II was just thinking, um it's a bit ironic, really.
Just when you don't want it, you finally get a phone call.
- You know, the radio thing.
- Yeah.
MICHAEL: Ah Course it was your gag.
I just wish you'd put as much effort into writing some decent stuff for the advertising awards.
- The junk mail ones? - Yes, those.
Well, apart from not knowing how it ends, was it a good play? Yeah, it was all right for a first attempt.
- To be honest, I preferred his stand-up.
- You hated his stand-up.
Well, that was before I'd seen his play, wasn't it? - Oh, hi, Ben.
- All right? - How's it going? - BOTH: Good, yeah.
So, youall right? - Mm.
- Mm, good.
Mm? What you up to? Just sitting around, really.
Yeah, then we might go and see Spikey in the hospital.
- He's in hospital again, is he? - Yeah, he's got a concussion.
- Has he? - He was putting the electricity back on.
- Oh, yeah.
- Cos they'd been cut off.
Only he must have done it wrong, because it threw him right across the room and he hit his head on a shopping trolley.
- Oh, really? - MARTY: Poor Spikey.
- Electrocuted.
- Yeah.
And not even on death row.
(CHUCKLES) He could have died.
Right, my car's here so that's me off.
Isn't it great about Ben and Sam? - I'm so pleased for them.
- Yeah.
- Glad my little chat did the trick.
- Hm? When I went to see Ben, I talked to him man to man, put him right on a few things.
It's obviously what's done it.
Ohh.
Only Sam said it was because of Ben's mobile.
Well, what's that got to do with it? Well, they both found it hilarious that Sir Kenneth Albright told you to shove it up your arse, and that sort of broke the ice.
Yeah, well.
Like I say, it was all down to me.
Maybe you should offer your counselling services to Agatha.
, Yeah.
Yeah, shame about that.
Still at least she cancelled before we had to fork out for Magda's air fare.
- No, she's still going.
- Why? Agatha's very upset.
Magda needs to be with her.
Oh, well, that'll cheer her up, won't it? And to present this year's award, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr Rick Spleen.
Good evening, thank you! I was very flattered to be asked to lothe Direct Marketing Weekly awards.
Well, I say asked.
Actually, I got a leaflet through the door.
It was either this or have the house double-glazed.
(PHONE RINGS) - (LAUGHTER) - Ah, very good.
You've read your papers.
Yeah, I know.
Anyway, the thing about junk mail is - (PHONE RINGS) - No, that's been done (MIMICS RINGTONE) RICK: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you're a funny guy.
Yeah, er - (PHONE RINGS) - the thing about junk mail - Shove it up your arse! - (PHONES RING) - It wasn't actually that embarrassing.
- (PHONES RINGING) - And the nominations are - (PHONES RINGING) PeterPeter Cowell ct I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain ct ON RActhOct.
You're lÃstenÃng to Phil Randell on Rumour fM.
My guest tonight is Sir Kenneth AlbrÃght.
The switchboards are jammed, but please do be patient.
- Oh, look, can you just turn that off? - So, Sir Kennett.
Resolution.
- KctNNctctctct.
What can I say? It's a joy.
- PctIctct.
Isn't Ãt just? KENNETH: DanÃel Gonwill, such a wonderful writer
So, like I say, if you've got, erany questions you'd like to put to him Erdoesn't have to be about comedy.
It can be anything at all.
Erwe'd love to hear from you.
That phone number once again, 6300 9001 00.
Have we got any, er No.
Well, umgood, because, erthat means I can ask Rick another question.
- You've got a load of things to ask me.
- No, let's have some music instead.
(# SUPERTRAMP: Dreamer) ct Dreamer ct - It's working, the switchboard? - Yeah.
To be honest, my fan base are probably out clubbing, really, at this time.
Ch-ch-ch ct You're nothing but a dreamer ct I love this album.
Hm.
Supertramp.
Do you - (BUZZING) - Oh, you got a call.
Call.
Internal.
ct I wanna get high But I really can't take the pain ct (SOUNDTRACK DROWNS SPEECH) - Hey, Sam, you're up early.
- Yeah.
- I actually haven't been to bed yet.
- She's been out at a party.
So, was Ben there? No, erjust like Spikey and his mates.
Oh, right.
Well, erI guess I'd better go to bed.
(LAUGHS) - Night, Mum.
- Good night, darling.
- So, has she heard from Ben? - I don't know.
Don't keep mentioning him.
She doesn't seem to be missing him.
Course she is.
That's what all this partying's about.
- I know we've been a bit down about Ben.
- We? But Spikey? He's like a walking bio-hazard.
- He's being very kind to Sam.
- Looks like he was brought up by wolves.
- Hello.
- Hi, Magda.
- You all right? - My sister Agatha is getting married.
- Agatha's getting married? How exciting! - I didn't know you had a sister.
- So, come on.
Who's she marrying? - Is called Uri.
He's older than Agatha.
I met him once, long time ago.
- Is he nice? - No.
- Thank you.
- So, when is it? - One month.
- And you're going, obviously? - Hm, if I can have time.
- Of course you can.
Thank you.
I am trying to book coach but it's very difficult, and to fly, it's very expensive.
Maybe Uri can pick you up in his van.
- So, how did the phone-in go? - The radio show? Yeah.
Yeah.
It was You didn't hear it, then? No, uhluckily I have a life.
So, how did it go? Yeah, it went pretty well.
You know, it was mostly just fans ringing in.
Same old questions.
"Were you funny at school?" "Yes.
Next caller.
" No, it was good to do.
Can we get on with this? I want to get it right.
- Why are you so keen? - These people are important.
They're players, advertising people.
the Direct Marketing Weekly ctwctctctsct That's a magazine about junk mail.
- It's all part of the same world.
- In fact it's junk mail about junk mail.
But they all mix in the same circles.
Next time they're casting aa car ad or a lager campaign, they'll say Who was the guy that did the junk mail awards? No, they're gonna say, "You remember Rick Spleen? "He really made us laugh.
Let's get him in.
" You're right.
Maybe Steven Spielberg was listening to your phone-in show and is trying to get a hold of you even as we speak.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe he is.
Maybe he could team me up with a decent writer.
We can but dream.
- I think you should apologise to him.
- Ah, Bryony will have sorted him out.
- Analysts can't fix everything.
- Afternoon, gents.
- Hello, Michael.
- Eryeah, Michael.
II was gonna sayI may have been a bit harsh the other day.
- Sorry? - Erabout the painting that you did.
- Oh, that.
- I didn't mean to be rude about it.
No, no, no, no, it's fine.
Yeah, yeah.
All helps test the old coping strategies.
In fact Bryony said I handled it remarkably well.
Good.
As long as there are no hard feelings.
Oh, God no, no.
Otherwise I'd have phoned in and complained.
Rumour FM? - You caught some of that, did you? - Yes, I heard the whole thing.
Poor old Phil Randell was getting a bit desperate.
- Not really.
- I'm starting to wish I heard this show.
I mean, no calls at all? That's got to be some sort of record.
I actually felt really sorry for you.
I almost was gonna phone in.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you didn't.
Can I have the lasagne? Actually, maybe I should have done that.
"Hello, Rick.
"Erwhat's your favourite café?" (chuckles) - Just the lasagne.
- You know, a bit of free advertising.
Wouldn't have made any difference cos no-one was listening.
- That's not true.
- Lasagne, was it? Two.
Two.
Yeah, see, what they couldn't say on air is that their switchboard wasn't working.
Why can't they say that on air? I think it was legal reasons, they said.
Yeah, it was legallegal reasons.
Oh, OK.
Oh, umincidentally, I'm not gonna be here this weekend.
- I'm off to Hastings.
- Lucky you! - What happens there? - Chess.
- You're going to Hastings to play chess? - Yes.
Not just chess.
It's more of a social occasion.
- There's a bunch of us who play online.
- Ohh.
Someone suggested, let's meet up, have a laugh, play a bit of chess.
- Sounds fun.
- Yeah, should be.
Booked a hotel.
- Did they have a pawn channel? - Well - P-A-W - Oh, pawn channel? (CHUCKLES) Very good, yes, pawn channel.
I'll use that one.
Did you book a room for a night? - K-N - I'll just check on your lasagne.
Can you imagine anything sadder than a bunch of online chess players getting together in a hotel in Hastings? Let me see A phone-in show with no callers? Because the coach journey's a nightmare.
Takes about three days.
But I don't see why we should pay for Magda to fly out to her sister's wedding.
It's a nice gesture.
Well, buy her a flat.
That would be a nice gesture.
- I'm paying for it, and that's that.
- Car or Have you remembered about tomorrow night? - The theatre.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, try not to sound too excited.
- It's very sweet of Susan to treat us.
- Yeah.
Why has she asked us, anyway? She's not in it, is she? Why would she be in it? She does a gardening show.
Look, it's just her way of thanking me.
She got a lot of work last year.
It's just a bit of a funny present, that's all.
What's wrong with a nice meal in a restaurant? Nothing.
You can take us all out for one afterwards if you like.
No, no, no, no.
Susan's treat.
I don't want to upstage her.
Good.
Never know, you might enjoy it.
Yep.
(SIGHS) - Only I've heard it's not that good.
- It's had rave reviews.
- Has it? - Yeah.
- What's it called again? - Resolution.
It's the one by Daniel Conway.
(SIGHS) Daniel Conway? He's not a playwright.
He's a stand-up and not a very good one.
- Did you work with him a lot? - Yeah.
I kept ending up on the same bill as him.
He was useless.
- I always said he should give up.
- Sounds like it was good advice.
Why does he want to start writing plays all of a sudden? I bet it's rubbish.
A hell of a cast.
Kenneth Albright's in it.
Ugh.
Sir Ken.
Always thought he was overrated.
"Daniel Conway's Gulf War poctgmict Resolution "is an outstanding work from an important new voice in the theatre.
" Theatre critics are so easily impressed.
You'd never get a review like that if it was stand-up.
No, you wouldn't.
Now, we can get on with these advertising awards.
The junk mail ones? It's not junk mail, it's direct marketing.
It's a multi-million-pound industry.
- Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi, Sam.
How's it going? - Hi.
Yeah, good.
UmDad, if you're going anywhere near a post office, could you post that for me, please? It's for Ben.
Yeah, he left it when he was picking up his stuff the other day.
- Can't you take it round to him? - ErI think it would be a bit - Eryou should probably just post it.
- Well, can't you post it? Not really.
Umso it'd probably be best if you did it.
- It hasn't got any stamps on it.
- Yeah, that's why I can't post it.
- Oh.
- You have to take it to the post office.
Some people, you have to explain everything.
Oh, umso, what time are you and Mum going out tonight? - About six, I think.
Why? - Well, just someone might come round.
Oh, Sam, it's not Spikey, is it? Erno, no.
Well, it might be.
No, sorry, Sam.
I don't want Spikey coming to the house.
No, no, no, definitely, definitely.
So, you won't forget to post that, will you? No, no.
What is it, anyway? - It's not drugs, it is? - I wouldn't give it back if it was.
(CHUCKLES) - Oh, hi, Magda.
- Hello.
- I'm very happy.
- Are you? About wedding.
Mel has said she will buy plane ticket for me.
Oh, she's told you, has she? Yeah, I thought it would be a nice gesture.
Thank you.
I am going to be bridesmaid.
Bridesmaid? Yeah, why not? Do you think you'll catch the bouquet? - Please? - At the wedding.
It's a fun tradition.
The bride throws her bunch of flowers over her shoulder and whoever catches it is the next one to get married.
- (CHUCKLES) - I don't want to do this.
No, well, don't, then.
I keep this because it's what I want to buy Agatha and Uri for wedding present.
- A disabled bath? - No, not that one, this one.
Oh.
Charming ceramic cottage from the wonderful world of Gulliver.
Oh, very nice.
You would like to be given this for gift? Me? Personally? Erit depends.
Because I look but cannot find what Uri have ask for.
Oh.
What did Uri ask for? Special stick.
It's electric for, erpushing cows.
- A cattle prod? - I think so.
Ermit's for farm.
Do you know where I can buy cattle prod? Er You could try Debenhams.
Debenhams.
Dick! Dick! - You all right, Dick? - Yeah, it's Rick.
Yes, hello, Spikey.
- So, what's happening? - We're all queuing at the post office.
- (LAUGHS) I like it.
- Good.
Having a beer, are you? - Oh, you want some? - I won't, thank you.
No, very kind.
Are you cashing your giro? What this? Nah.
- Someone else's.
(CHUCKLES) - Oh.
Oh, God.
- So, is Sam with you, then? - No, it's just me.
- Do you know where she is, like? - No, I don't, I haven't seen her.
- That's a bummer.
- Yes, it is.
A real bummer.
- Only I was gonna go and see her later.
- She's not there, so I wouldn't bother.
- I might take a stroll round there.
- I really wouldn't.
- I did call her but my battery's flat.
- Oh, shame, yeah.
I can't charge it, cos they cut the leccy off.
- Oh, God.
Bad luck.
- Bastards, eh? Aren't they? Yeah, that's terrible.
- I couldn't borrow your mobile? - I haven't got - I'll give it back to you tomorrow.
- No, I haven't got it on me, my mobile.
Actually, you know what? I parked on a meter so I'd betterI'd better Yeah, I'd better.
I'll just post this another time.
- It's all right, I'll post it for you.
- No, no, it's fine, thanks.
- So, what was her number again? - UmI can't remember it, sorry.
- All right, so what's your home number? - Umwhat was it? Erthey changed it recently, cos our number was very like someone else's, and we kept getting a lot of wrong numbers so they gave us a new number but No worries, Dick.
Just give us the address, then.
Erwell, like I say, she's not there.
So, what's the point in having it oror knowing it? No point at all, really, if you think about it.
Er Sorry, can I just get by? I'm not trying to get out of going.
I just think it might be a good idea if I stayed at home in case Spikey turns up.
- So what if he does? - So what? We'll get back, there'll be music thumping out, wigwams in the garden, people crapping in the window boxes.
I thought you said you gave him a false address.
Well, don't underestimate him.
He's like a rat.
He'll find his way in somehow.
Which ones do you think? Well, I'd take the most expensive ones - just in case Spikey does come round.
Can we just concentrate on having a nice night at the theatre, please? Yeah, yep.
Sorry.
- So, how long is this play, anyway? - Umfour-and-a-half hours.
- What? - And there's an interval.
Come on.
Stop being such a pain.
This is really nice of Susan.
- What's her husband like? - Brendan? Yeah, he's - How would you describe Brendan? - Oh, say no more.
Look, just try and enjoy yourself.
We're about to see one of the finest living actors on stage.
Oh, yes, Sir Ken.
I've always thought he was a bit of a lightweight.
These tears, this blood that falls to earth for earth This flag that waves its bloody stripes and trails its deathly shadow across the sand.
My name is written here on every burned and rotting body.
My name is written and it is shame.
(APPLAUSE) - Wow, this is brilliant, isn't it? - It's fantastic.
- Incredible.
- Did we order interval drinks? - Mel, glass of wine? - Oh, can't, I'm driving.
- Oh, Rick'll drive, won't you? - Well, no.
Oh, well, in that case, I'll have a glass of white, please, Brendan.
Sure.
Rick, lemonade, Fanta? ErDiet Coke, please.
Ice and lemon? Might as well push the boat out.
(GUFFAWS) I'll be back in one sec.
So, come on.
Are you gonna admit that it's brilliant? Well, I wouldn't say brilliant.
It's OK, it's very derivative.
- Derivative? Of what? - You know, of other plays in general.
War is bad.
Well spotted(!) Yeah, but leaving aside the fact that it's written by someone you know and dislike? It's not just that.
I just think he's missed a few tricks.
God, the queue! Isn't it just the most wonderful play? Well, Kenneth Albright is an amazing actor.
Yeah, but the writing is so sophisticated.
- He's such a commanding stage presence.
- So intelligent.
Hmm.
I could happily watch him reading a bus timetable.
But for a new writer as well.
Daniel Conway.
He's sprung out of nowhere.
- I mean, who is he? - Rick knows him.
He was a comedian.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You know him? - Yeah.
How? Well, he used to be a comedian.
That's what Oh, sorry.
Silly me.
Yes, of course.
Gosh, he's done well, then, hasn't he? Here we go.
Now, that's for Mel.
- Oh, thank you.
- For you, my darling.
And a Coke - Oh.
- and a packet of crisps for the lad.
- Are you not drinking, then? - Erno.
Designated driver.
Here's to a bloody good play.
Wonderful.
Now, Rick.
Did I hear you on Rumour FM the other day? Er Hm? Because I don't sleep any more.
I close my eyes but it doesn't go away.
WOMAN: Stop it.
Don't do this to yourself.
You've done what is right.
I've done what is right.
I've done what is right.
- You have.
Hold on to the truth.
- But whose truth? Believing in something until your soul is bursting with it doesn't make it the truth.
- There's nothing to doubt.
- (PHONE RINGS) You craved authority, - the power to decide what the truth is.
- (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) You clawed that power from others who desired it just as much as you, and now you cry?! You stand before me and say you're haunted by visions.
- (RINGING STOPS) I am.
And now you just want to wipe away time itself? Rebuild all that you've destroyed, bring to life all that you have killed? - (PHONE BEEPS) - KENNETH: Yes, I wish for all of that.
If my heart was not twisted - with the pain of this useless remorse - (PHONE BEEPS) but God himself would not weep at what I've done.
- (PHONE BEEPING) - But you you are free of these thoughts.
Did I shield you from the guilt at all? (PAPER RIPPING) - I closed your sweet eyes - (PHONE RrmGs) - (CLUNK) - Oh! - (PHONE RINGS) - Sorry, can we just stop? Can whoever that mobile phone belongs to just take it and shove it up your arse? It's not actually Just go, hm? If your phone calls are so important.
Hi.
Yah, I'm at the theatre.
Yah, see you in the bar.
Ta-ta! Go on, shoo.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- It's very good, by the way.
- Just go.
(WHISPERS) Oh, I'm sorry.
(LAUGHS) (HE SIGHS) Oh, God.
It's Spikey.
- Oh, so much for your false address.
- I told you he'd find his way here.
- Dick! Hey, Dick! - Oh, God, he's seen us.
- What address did you give him? - Number 21 .
What, you didn't even change the street name? I had to think on my feet.
- Hello, Spikey.
- So, what's happening? - Well, we've just been to the theatre.
- Nice one.
Which one's your house? I thought you said 21 .
Did I? Oh, my mistake, sorry.
I've been knocking on a few doors and they're a bit arsey around here.
- Well, it is nearly midnight.
- Is it all right if I come and see Sam? - I think it's a bit late now, Spikey.
- Can I come in and watch telly? There's nothing good on, just documentaries and I don't think Can I just come in for a minute? Order a cab? - That's gonna take ages.
- You're right, it could.
So (SIGHS) You're not gonna smoke that in here, are you? - It's just a cigarette.
- I know.
It's just I don't like people smoking in my car.
- Fair play.
- Thanks.
I'll open this up, yeah? (WINDOW OPENS) (COUGHS) (SNIFFS) You know, you really should have a seat belt on.
- No, you're all right.
- It's just that it's pretty dangerous.
I could brake suddenly and you'd go straight through the windscreen.
(CHUCKLES) There's this party over at Elephant ct Castle.
Can you drop us off there? No, Spikey.
I'm not driving all the way over there.
- I'll get you in.
It's gonna be sick.
- Oh, is it? Look, whywhy don't I drop you off here? You can get a minicab, I'll give you some money.
Yeah, all right.
Cheers, Dick.
You sure you don't want to come to this party? II've thought about it and I am sure.
Yeah, maybe I'll give it a miss, do something else.
See you around.
- OK.
- Thanks for that! Yeah, that's not what it looks like! (DOOR CLOSES) (DOOR SLAMS) - Oh, hi, Magda.
- Hello.
How was play? Well let's just say I didn't stay till the end.
Any luck with the cattle prod? Oh.
No.
Agatha's not getting married now.
- Oh, dear.
Sorry to hear that.
- Because Uri already has wife.
Has he? Oh.
And you're only allowed one wife in? - Yes! - Same as here, then.
But Agatha's very upset because this has happened before.
- Has it? - Once she met man who say he is doctor.
- Doctor? - He is not doctor.
- He is man who mends washing machines.
- Oh, dear.
But she is in love with him, and he's out all night spending time on mending the washing machine.
- Oh, terrible.
- She's asking him but he's not answering.
Yeah.
I've got to get going, cos He's not telling her the truth and, hm, she has brought dress now.
- Got something highly important to do.
- Oh, it's very expensive.
And she has used all family money.
Family is angry, and Agatha is upset ct Hold on, now your exÃt's here ct It's waÃtÃng just for you ct Don't pause too long, it's fading now ct It's endÃng all too soon ct You'll see ct - Rick? - I think this might be yours.
Oh, cheers, yeah.
I've been looking for that.
- Well, there it is.
- Yeah, tried ringing it last night.
- Did you? - Yeah, couldn't hear it so - Well, I did.
- That was lucky.
I was actually in a theatre when it rang.
Oh, right, yeah.
Cos you're supposed to turn them off, aren't you? They've got signs.
Yes, but I didn't know it was a phone.
It was in an envelope to post to you.
Sam left it on.
Oh! God, that must have been embarrassing.
(chuckles) No.
So, she all right? Yeah, yeah.
She's, um she's at home, you know, if Yeah, yeah.
I, er might give her a bell now I've got Yeah, maybe do that.
She might, you know Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely.
- So, erthanks for - OK, then.
Eryeah, see you.
Yeah, see you, Rick.
That is hilarious, yeah.
Do you mind if I use that line when he gets here? - I wouldn't.
- He won't know it's yours.
- He will.
- Surely he'll find it funny.
He's gonna be a bit sensitive.
It's bad enough it got into the paper.
Oh, here he is.
- Oh, hi.
- All right? - How was your chess weekend? - Oh, it was a bit disappointing.
Yeah, to be honest, I found them all a bit odd.
- Really? - Bunch of misfits, no social skills.
So, anyway, I just left.
Didn't even say goodbye.
- Michael to station, checkmate.
- oh! (LAUGHS) So, anyway, Rick, sorry to hear about your mobile phone fiasco.
Oh, yeah, actually, it wasn't my mobile phone.
As usual, they got the story wrong.
Is the lasagne still on? II was just thinking, um it's a bit ironic, really.
Just when you don't want it, you finally get a phone call.
- You know, the radio thing.
- Yeah.
MICHAEL: Ah Course it was your gag.
I just wish you'd put as much effort into writing some decent stuff for the advertising awards.
- The junk mail ones? - Yes, those.
Well, apart from not knowing how it ends, was it a good play? Yeah, it was all right for a first attempt.
- To be honest, I preferred his stand-up.
- You hated his stand-up.
Well, that was before I'd seen his play, wasn't it? - Oh, hi, Ben.
- All right? - How's it going? - BOTH: Good, yeah.
So, youall right? - Mm.
- Mm, good.
Mm? What you up to? Just sitting around, really.
Yeah, then we might go and see Spikey in the hospital.
- He's in hospital again, is he? - Yeah, he's got a concussion.
- Has he? - He was putting the electricity back on.
- Oh, yeah.
- Cos they'd been cut off.
Only he must have done it wrong, because it threw him right across the room and he hit his head on a shopping trolley.
- Oh, really? - MARTY: Poor Spikey.
- Electrocuted.
- Yeah.
And not even on death row.
(CHUCKLES) He could have died.
Right, my car's here so that's me off.
Isn't it great about Ben and Sam? - I'm so pleased for them.
- Yeah.
- Glad my little chat did the trick.
- Hm? When I went to see Ben, I talked to him man to man, put him right on a few things.
It's obviously what's done it.
Ohh.
Only Sam said it was because of Ben's mobile.
Well, what's that got to do with it? Well, they both found it hilarious that Sir Kenneth Albright told you to shove it up your arse, and that sort of broke the ice.
Yeah, well.
Like I say, it was all down to me.
Maybe you should offer your counselling services to Agatha.
, Yeah.
Yeah, shame about that.
Still at least she cancelled before we had to fork out for Magda's air fare.
- No, she's still going.
- Why? Agatha's very upset.
Magda needs to be with her.
Oh, well, that'll cheer her up, won't it? And to present this year's award, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr Rick Spleen.
Good evening, thank you! I was very flattered to be asked to lothe Direct Marketing Weekly awards.
Well, I say asked.
Actually, I got a leaflet through the door.
It was either this or have the house double-glazed.
(PHONE RINGS) - (LAUGHTER) - Ah, very good.
You've read your papers.
Yeah, I know.
Anyway, the thing about junk mail is - (PHONE RINGS) - No, that's been done (MIMICS RINGTONE) RICK: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you're a funny guy.
Yeah, er - (PHONE RINGS) - the thing about junk mail - Shove it up your arse! - (PHONES RING) - It wasn't actually that embarrassing.
- (PHONES RINGING) - And the nominations are - (PHONES RINGING) PeterPeter Cowell ct I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain ct ON RActhOct.
You're lÃstenÃng to Phil Randell on Rumour fM.
My guest tonight is Sir Kenneth AlbrÃght.
The switchboards are jammed, but please do be patient.
- Oh, look, can you just turn that off? - So, Sir Kennett.
Resolution.
- KctNNctctctct.
What can I say? It's a joy.
- PctIctct.
Isn't Ãt just? KENNETH: DanÃel Gonwill, such a wonderful writer