Less Than Kind (2008) s03e05 Episode Script

Previously on Less Than Kind.
Anne, I'm figuring out a way to pay the company back.
I cannot stand having this between us anymore.
You left me to have sex with a younger woman.
We haven't had sex since she got pregnant.
- You're having a baby.
- Yeah.
- Ow! - Are you in labour? I fucking wish! This little cocksucker is kicking the shit out of me! Ow! How do you think your psycho, belly-yelling wife will take the news that you proposed to her with my old engagement ring? You're blackmailing me? $8,000, Jack.
- Agreed? - Okay, fine.
I'll give you the 8, but I want to see your tits right now.
Hey, Mom.
Wow! Look at this feast! Did you do this, honey? No, I did.
What's the occasion? No occasion.
Eggs? Josh! Get up! I'm sorry, Anne.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Why did you wake me up? I don't have a lesson till 2:00.
What about your audition at 11:00? Oh, yeah.
- Skipping it.
- What? - You're bailing on an audition? - I'm not bailing.
- Declining to attend.
- Why? Because they're really unprofessional and they didn't fax me the script.
Oh, no, no, honey.
It came in this morning.
It's right there.
"Gay Cop #2"? Score! That's bullshit.
I'm so much better than this.
Thanks, Clara.
Good luck on your audition, Josh.
Oh, I love this song.
Oh.
Have a great day, everybody.
Wow, someone's in a good mood, huh? I am not.
Not you, douche.
Clara.
Class is almost over.
I know.
Where's Danny and Mr.
Lubbe? Actually, they killed each other.
They're probably late because of the transit strike.
This is child abuse! I'm freezing! You had your chance.
You could have had a new coat.
I wouldn't need a new coat if I had a driver's license.
Thank you, Mr.
Huzinga, for filling in.
We'll continue this conversation after class, Danny.
You're an idiot, so I'll make this simple.
People need to drive when it's -40, so give me money for my test and sign my permission form.
No deal, mister.
And you wouldn't be cold if you'd allowed me to buy you the matching one.
That's a lady coat.
What? You told me the salesperson I lied.
Well, checkmate! Because this coat works for me.
Well, that's because you're a big, fat lady.
Are you really taking your driver's test again? Hey, fifth time's a charm.
Fifth time's a cry for help.
I'm taking that test.
I don't think your dad's going to give you the money.
I'll wear him down.
- It's all part of the plan.
- What plan? The plan where I keep hitting him and hitting him and hitting him until that part of him that says "no" dies.
Don't walk away from me, Jack.
Jack! Crap! No ketchup chips.
Barbara's going to kill me.
Well, then give me my money first.
Oh, look at you.
This blackmailing stuff, it's turning you on, isn't it? Oh, get a life! Promise me, keep your tits in your blouse this time.
Oh, you're so disgusting! I'm disgusting? Last time, I gave you money, you gave me a tit flash.
It was a pity tit flash.
Pity titty.
You are such a bad liar.
You want me so bad you're practically panting.
You're insane.
What am I going to do, fuck you in a filthy Handy Mart washroom? Oh, well, that idea came to you pretty quickly.
Oh, as if.
You're pathetic.
You're repulsive.
You've got a boner! Not because of you.
Go clean the washroom.
Hey, Clara.
Perfect timing.
Lunch is served.
What's the occasion? You made breakfast, I made lunch.
This is nice.
So, do you have anything to tell me? Why? What have you heard? I haven't heard anything yet.
Well, that's because there's nothing to tell.
Clara, sweetie, come on.
Who is he? He who? Oh, my God.
How bad can he be? Don't laugh at me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Wait, aren't you seeing someone? No.
No.
No, I'm not.
No one.
Nobody.
Well, call a repairman, because my radar's broken.
Must be.
Well, good, because there's something that I want to do with you.
- What? - Shh.
It's a surprise.
I just need to borrow some money.
Oh, shit.
What? I forgot the money.
I have to go back to the the bank.
Well, don't be so upset.
I'm sorry, it's just that I I really hate theteller.
Seriously, what the fuck?! Thanks for seeing me.
I sucked.
No, Josh.
You were on fire in there.
So should I stick around for callbacks, then? No.
But I was good? You were on fire.
But I should go? Yes.
Riley, Toby, Grayson, Cooper, Gimley.
You are all gay cops.
Yes! Yes! Yay.
What? Josh! - Hey! - Yeah! What are you reading for? Stupid Gay Cop #2.
- Me too! - It's already been cast.
Oh, you dog.
Congrats, man.
No, I didn't get it, because I sucked.
As if.
Tyler.
How did you do? Oh, I got a part.
Well, way to go, Tyler.
My name's Toby.
Yeah.
You know that kid? Yeah.
Yeah, he's one of my students.
- You're teaching? - Bro, yes.
And I've fallen in love with acting all over again.
How come? Remember when we used to do the Fringe and we'd earn, like, $5 a night, and then we all got herpes and it was awesome? We used to eat, breathe and shit acting.
This is just like then, except instead of $5, I get $35.
Oh! That sounds awesome! It is.
Bro, wait, they totally need another teacher.
- Me? Teach? - Yes.
Who taught me accents? 'Allo, guv'nor.
The landlady's breasts are in the washtub.
I don't know.
What? Christian, you know Josh.
Would he be an awesome acting teacher or what? Oh, I would pay good money to see that.
Well? 'Allo, guv'nor.
The landlady's breasts Are in the washtub Because they've been chasing ducks all day Quack, quack, quack They've gone and pulled their bloody knickers Whoo-hoo And then we'll have a roll in the hay Hey, hey, hey Hey, asshole! Oh, God! Where did you come from? I want my money.
Can't.
Barbara found it.
She made me come out here and buy all this crap.
What, you mean I fucked you and I don't even get the money? You sound like a hooker, and a dumb one at that.
Oh, screw you.
I want my money.
And this is mine until I get it.
Just Get your hands off of him.
No, stop, stop.
Get off! You want to get off? I'll get you off.
Oh, for God's sakes.
What are we doing? We're in a mall parking lot.
You're right.
- Tell him about Kerouac.
- I got this.
Mr.
Lubbe, do you have a second? I am not talking about his driver's test.
- Okay.
- Wait.
Is it possible that I'm being unreasonable? This is very important to him.
But doesn't the thought of Danny behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle scare the hell out of you? Yes - He's completely irresponsible.
- Everybody's irresponsible until you give them some responsibility.
So you really think I should unleash Danny on the world? I do.
You've only got a couple of short years to be the dad who signed his permission slip.
After that, you're just the dad who wouldn't.
Danny? Give me that permission slip.
You're the Jerk Whisperer.
What about the money? This is your chance to prove you can be responsible.
You can find it yourself.
Oh, thanks.
Cheap ass! - Danny! - I knew I would regret this.
I just I just didn't realize I would regret it instantly.
I want someone who can jump right in.
I'm having staffing problems.
I've had a parade of whack jobs through this place.
Never mind.
I just need to find someone normal.
So please just be straight with me.
Are you out of your fucking mind? No way.
I'm in my fucking mind.
Whoo! Good.
You keep up with your training? - I'm the king of workshops.
- Good.
What was the last one? In Toronto, commercial auditions with Jerome Flacky.
Jerome? He's out of jail? Oh, right.
Yeah, that whole up skirt camera thing.
Dude had a camera in his shoes so he could see up ladies' skirts.
Uh-huh.
That pissed me off, because that is not what shoe cameras were invented for.
Oh, just totally inappropriate.
Well, we're desperate.
You'd be free to start this week? I'm hired? I'll give you a spin.
Ahem, is there anything else I need to know? Why don't you drop by the class on your way out.
Thank you.
Okay, guys, let's do something real.
Can I have a volunteer? Toby, get up here, stud.
Come on, come on.
Right here.
Now, this is called the commitment exercise.
I want you to walk to me in a straight line.
No.
Oh, why did you stop? Because there's a pillar.
Or is there? Josh Blecher, ladies and germs.
My co-star from Thunder Bay OPP.
S'up? Josh, wasn't it great being leads on a TV series together? You know it, bro.
Okay, back to the lesson.
Toby, do it again.
Walk through the pillar.
But it's an actual pillar.
And I want you to act like it's not there, got it? Guys, you have to make this shit real.
That is your job as an actor.
Got it? Walk through the pillar.
I believe that.
Did you believe that? - That, I believe.
- Nice! Can I just do my monologue instead? What the hell are you doing? Toby, show her.
Do it again.
No, let me see his head.
What are you doing? The vulnerability exercise? Where are all your clothes? No, those aren't clothes.
They're her skins.
And she gets them back at the end of the class, because? I have to strip my skin off to get to my real feelings? That's right, Melody.
Now, take off the rest.
Get the hell out of here now.
You're done.
What, you're firing this? You can't fire him.
He's a genius.
Thanks, Josh.
Fuck her.
Two-bit no-talent wannabe.
- You picked up on that, huh? - In, like, two seconds.
- Here's to that.
- Yeah.
I just I feel sorry for my students.
I mean, I was their teacher, their sensei.
- I mean, that's a sacred bond.
- So sacred.
Do you know that chick in her underwear? Oh, I was that close.
Man, what a waste.
They won't be able to replace me.
Because you were teaching them excellence.
Full-on acting excellence.
Thanks, man.
You would have made a great teacher too.
You think? Bro, I'd pay money to see that.
Let's do it.
What? Let's open our own school of acting excellence.
Oh, my God.
Our own academy.
The Academy of Acting Excellence.
Yes! Yes! Oh! - What are you wearing? - Sheldon, shut the Stop flustering me.
I have a photo shoot.
Is Danny Lubbe showing up or not? I'm leaving in five minutes.
Josh, I don't know.
He was still trying - to get the money together.
- Well, if he shows up, - Mom can take him.
- No, she can't.
She's taking Clara to a spa.
Danny's here.
What? When are you ever on time? When it matters.
You got the money for the test? I believe form F-6731 states the provincial fee is $150, which I have on my person.
This is bullshit.
Let's go.
What are you wearing? This is what responsible looks like.
So, where did you get the money? Got the money where I found the money.
Let's go! Giddyup! You didn't have to do this.
Nonsense.
I think we both need this.
Yeah, I do.
Thanks.
Isn't that Jack's wife? Oh, my God.
Are you stalking me? Because I will fuck you up! I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.
It's so nice to see you again.
Wow.
Oh, um, Anne, you remember - Barbara.
- Of course.
Congratulations.
What? For this? Are you kidding me? I'm growing a freaking mugger in here.
Oh.
What does that mean? Ow! That.
Kicking.
Okay, you little bastard, don't think I'm not keeping score! Oh, my God.
What? Nothing.
How's Jack? Oh, I've got him painting the baby's room, which was making me hurl.
Must be all the honey mustard pretzels.
Right.
Anyway, late for my massage.
I'll see you guys there.
Yeah.
She's a bit of a cuckoo.
Hm, more than a bit.
Trust me.
What? Uhno.
Let's rebook.
I can't share a spa with her.
Seriously? I'm sorry.
I got to go.
What? No.
No, Clara.
What do you mean you ran into her? I'm at the spa with my sister, and who do l see but Barbara? Oh, my God.
You didn't say anything, did you? You are despicable on every level! Well, who the hell are you to judge? You're fucking a man with a pregnant wife.
You are incapable of loving your wife, whoever she might be at the time.
Oh, oh, oh, words of wisdom from Clara thewise.
What the fuck do you want from me? Christ, what now? You want to know what I want? I'll tell you what I want.
I want to see the baby's room.
No, no, no Cocksuckers! Choose a lane and commit, you dick scab! I can't believe you actually passed.
How'd you do it? - By taking it very seriously.
- Amazing.
Yeah, I can't tell you how amazing this feeling is.
Fucking So, where'd you get the money for your retest? You know my dad's stupid new coat? Yeah.
Craigslist, motherfucker! You sold his coat? - To a big, fat lady.
- Well, hold it, hold it.
Your dad signs your permission form, and that's how you thank him? That is really low.
Well, he wasn't going to give me the cash.
It's like he was daring me to sell it.
I cannot believe you.
You're a complete dick.
Well, it takes one to suck one.
Okay.
Get out.
No, you get out.
- It's my family's car.
- Not if you can't drive it.
You know what? Let me tell you something about dads.
They can go just like that.
Move your fucking ass! Please! Oh, yeah.
Oh, God! Ooh.
Don't scratch the crib.
It's Brazilian mahogany.
Oh, shit! It's your wife.
Answer it.
Oh! You're sick.
- Ooh.
- Hey, loser.
Hi.
Hi honey.
How's your day going? Terrible.
The masseur was an asshole.
Oh! Yeah? Now I'm pissed off.
I will be home in five.
Okay! Bye! Oh! Jack! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh! Oh! Ah! Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, this was a bad idea.
You got to get out of here.
Hurry.
She ignores stop signs! Move! Move! Next time, courier me the money.
And don't you ever call me again.
I never called you in the first place.
Chop, chop, chop, chop! Oh, shit.
Good idea.
Run.
Run! What the hell? What are you doing? Give me a jump! She's going to catch us.
She will if you don't give me a jump! - No! Get out of here! - Give me a jump! Make it go away, please.
Oh, my God.
You're useless.
Clara? What are you doing here? Our car conked out on the way home.
It conked out? Oh, it's been nothing but trouble.
CAA should be here in 20 minutes.
Oh, good news.
Great.
I came out here to help, but it's cold.
- Let's get you inside.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You came out to help? Yeah? Well, then what the fuck's wrong with you? Give them a boost! Do you guys want to come inside my house? Some other time.
Okay.
Whatever.
Everything okay? Oh, your aunt's having a bad day.
Oh, look at this boy.
Why can't I be good like you? Can someone tell me what's happening? I've been seeing Jack.
Jack? Uncle Jack? Married Jack? Wow, hey.
Are you okay? Yeah.
It's over.
So I am now.
Okay.
You want me to give you a ride home? No.
I just need some normal.
I think I'll do some work.
Okay.
I thought she hated Jack.
Oh, sweetie, sometimes when a man and a woman hate each other very, very much, there's only one stupid thing they can do.
You'll understand when you're older.
I hope not.
Who spent $400 on fliers? Oh, I think I know.
Oh.
Josh! Hey, Dad! You've got your license? Yes! Hop in.
Ha! Not on your life.
I'd rather die out here.
Come on, old lady.
It's warm in here.
I'll drive you home.
Mister, that is not funny.
Danny, come on! It's freezing out here! I'm sorry.
Come on in.
- You going to do that again? - No.
You're a liar! I'm really sorry, Dad.
Just get in.
You little My foot slipped.
Come on.
Come on.
- Don't do it! - It's unlocked.
- Don't you move! - It's unlocked.
Trust me.