Life in Pieces (2015) s03e05 Episode Script

1 Happy anniversary.
- Thank you, honey.
- Thank you.
Oh, thank you so much.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, this is so nice.
- I cannot believe that you got us in here.
- I know Welcome to Boccone.
- This is the chef's tasting menu.
- Ooh.
20 courses.
She created it especially for this evening.
And-and-and is that the price or the year you opened? This looks lovely.
So, thank you.
Enjoy.
Okay, front or back door, what do you want to do? I get a choice? Happy anniversary indeed.
No, Tim, come on.
We've got to get out of here.
This is too expensive.
We're not gonna pay this much for a meal.
Yes, this is absurd, but listen, this is a very special night, and I need to make up for 20 years of forgetting our anniversary, so we stay.
That's very sweet and true.
Okay, you know what? Yes.
We're gonna stay.
We're gonna stay and we'll just have to eat fast food for the rest of the year.
Planning on doing that anyway.
Enjoy your first dish.
Foam of scampi with an uni crust.
I recommend eating it from the inside out.
Bon appétit.
Oh, God, Tim, you constantly surprise me.
And these last 20 years have just been Done! Next! Oh, that's good.
WAITRESS: Let it swish - around in your mouth.
- Thank you.
Let it just coat the inside of all your mucus membranes.
Ah, fantastique.
WAITRESS: You will taste all kinds of spices, like clove, cardamom and eye of newt.
(GASPS) Ooh.
I don't think it's a straw, babe.
Mmm.
How could you finish that already? College.
Don't breathe, don't think.
Just drink.
This is loin of bush bison.
(SHOUTS) I'm not eating your steak for you.
I haven't even finished my own.
It's your meat.
You're my meat man.
I'm starting to get full.
I think I might have to go to the bathroom and take my underwear off just to make more room.
I took mine off seven courses ago.
I didn't start the evening with a pocket square.
WAITRESS: And now we set sail through the South China Seas to experience the famous black pepper crab.
It just keeps coming.
We have to tell them to stop.
No.
Heather, this is the greatest meal we might ever eat.
It's our children's college fund.
And we are going to finish it together.
I freakin' love you, Tim.
Okay.
We are not gonna have sex tonight.
No.
(GROANS) You're slowing down.
Come on.
We can't slow down.
What's wrong? I might need you to burp me.
You're seriously looking at me like that? I have changed you behind a shed at a barbecue.
It's been a great 20 years, hasn't it? - Yeah.
- All right, come on.
Oh, God.
Okay, just make it look like we're hugging.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- (BURPS) (DINERS GROAN) It's delicious, huh? (GROANS) Oh, it's gonna hit my stomach and ping-pong back up.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
Look here.
You got it.
You got this.
There you go.
Oh, no more wine.
No.
I'm pregnant.
Whole right side of my body is numb.
I can't feel my right arm.
- Can't hold my fork anymore.
- (FORK CLATTERS) (GROANS) Have you been hiding courses under the table? - Just the even-numbered ones.
- Heather, - I can't believe you lied to me.
- Oh, you know what? Just shut up, Tim.
I freakin' hate you.
This meal is just like our marriage.
You know, it just seems like it's going on and on, and it's not gonna end until one of us dies.
Enjoying your meal? It's amazing.
It's amazing.
(CLEARS THROAT) Wonderful.
Is it still going on? This dessert is inspired by the men and women of the armed forces.
With every bite, you're honoring them.
No course left behind.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
It's like a clown car where you have to eat the clowns.
I can't do it eat no more.
You got to put that in your purse.
Oh, honey, you have a hot towel.
Just stick it in there.
Hot towel? I thought that was a course.
Did you eat your towel? (STAMMERING) Everything's so blurry, and he put lemon juice on it.
Oh, honey.
I think part of me knew it was a towel.
Hey, you know what? I am so lucky to have you.
I love you, too, babe.
Are you gonna throw up? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
So, my friend Helen, the preschool director the one who cuts holes in her shoes - to make room for her bunions.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
She took Lark off the wait list.
What? Lark's in, starting Monday.
- That is amazing! - Oh! (LAUGHS) How did you make that happen? Are you and Helen lovers? - No.
She wishes.
- Yeah.
Mmm.
Well, you know, all the kids have to be potty-trained, and this one little fellow, he was pooing in the turtle habitat - and blaming it on the turtles, and - Oh.
Yeah, it's so great that you've got Lark potty-trained.
- Well, of course.
- Mm-hmm.
Lark is - good to go.
- Yep.
Or not go.
Like her dad.
- I'm just so stressed.
- I know.
We've only got two days to potty-train Lark.
No, it's about lying to my mom.
We have a relationship built on trust.
Yeah, but this didn't start out as a lie.
You know? She just wanted us to do it when Lark clearly wasn't ready.
And then we weren't ready, and then we took that trip, and then it was winter, and then spring and summer, and now, well, here we are.
- But now's a good time.
Right? - Yeah.
Larkie, you want to use the potty? No! She outsmarted us again.
JEN: Okay.
So Larkie goes in the potty just like Mommy and Daddy.
Here, look.
TOY POTTY VOICE: Good job! You're a big girl! You want to go sit on it? No, I want to go on that one.
JEN: All right.
- Sure.
Big girl, big potty.
- Okay.
Sure.
All right, there's that.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Here we go.
- Wow.
Look at you up there.
I could fall in.
Okay, you want to go in the little potty, then? No! Well, much like when I'm not in the mood, I think we're gonna need some props.
(HIGH-PITCHED): Poop, poop.
Look what I did! 'Cause I'm a big girl.
And if you hold it in for too long, it comes out your mouth.
What? Yuck! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) So, apparently we've scared our daughter so much that now she won't even poop in her diaper.
Yeah, but at least we got her to pee in the potty.
I mean, technically, she started peeing and you slipped the potty under her, but you got a lot of it.
You think the preschool would accept that? I called and they said hard no.
(GROANS) We have 24 hours to make this happen.
Actually, it's more like an hour.
Yeah, uh, my mom wants to come for dinner.
I-I could totally tell her no, but I replied with those emojis of the two dancing girls, and-and that kind of means boogie on over.
- (ELECTRONIC DING) - Oh, wait a minute.
Oh.
This is her.
She'd also like fajitas, but she doesn't care which meat.
And, look, I can totally tell her not to come.
- (ELECTRONIC DING) - Oh, wait a minute.
She's here.
But I can totally tell her to leave.
I never thought of tofu as meat.
But the way you cook this, it certainly requires a steak knife.
- I see what you did there.
- Mmm.
I should have mentioned that I like shrimp.
- Okay.
- Shrimp is really easy to cook.
- Right.
- Uh, hey, Jen? Lark's about to go again, and she just says that you applaud the best, so Chicken is another good option.
It's really difficult to screw it up.
That's why they call it "the forgiving meat.
" - Mm-hmm.
- I want to poop in a diaper! Yeah.
Uh, hey, you want to know what, Mom? Uh, what do you say we go to your house, and, uh, I can tell you about a traumatic childhood memory that, uh, I've never discussed with anyone un-until this moment.
Is this about your tail? - What? - Your tail.
I'm sorry, what? They said you were so young you'd never remember the surgery.
Oh, my gosh.
I'll never go in a potty, never! (GROANS) What's going on? (SIGHS) We didn't potty-train Lark when you told us to, and now well, we're stuck.
Oh, I see.
Mom, I'm-I'm sorry.
Well it just so happens I carry around a bag of prunes for your father.
So, "no" is no longer an option.
Good-bye.
I'm gonna go home and eat.
So we'll just circle back to the tail thing, then.
Oh, she's had an entire bag, Greg.
I mean, if we can't get her to poop today, we're just gonna have to start over with a new baby.
Come on, Lark.
Come on, let's keep eating these prunes, right? Mmm! Huh? They're, like super raisins.
I need to go potty.
- Oh.
Go time.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
I need to go! - All right, we're gonna get there.
- My hands are slippery from all the You know what? Forget it.
- All right, come on.
- All right, here we go! I'm scared.
Oh, it's okay, honey, everyone sits on the potty.
You know, except for at my office, where the women are animals and you're forced to hover.
Hold my feet, Mommy.
You want me to hold your feet? Okay.
- (STOMACH GRUMBLING) - Oh.
Uh-oh.
Those prunes are starting to kick in.
Man, I really wish I didn't chase them down with those two coffees.
Okay, well, we only have one bathroom, so you're gonna have to go to the gas station.
What? No, I can't.
I need it to be quiet and not to smell weird, and, you know, to be the right temperature.
Okay, and you wonder why our daughter's having issues.
- It's okay.
I can wait.
- Okay.
(LOW GRUNT) No.
I-I can't wait.
Okay, honey, I'm sorry, this is happening, all right? It's go time for Daddy.
Daddy needs the potty! I gotta go! Yeah, well, so does Daddy! - What? Oh, no.
- (GROANS) Oh, God! No.
Well, Mommy needs to stay attracted to Daddy, so see ya! No, Mommy.
Hold my feet.
(GROANS) Do you really need me to do that? Oh, God.
Wow.
This is love.
- I'm sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
- (FANFARE PLAYS) TOY POTTY VOICE: Good job! You're a big girl! I want to be a big girl like Daddy.
Here I go.
Do it.
Push.
Push, Lark.
(JEN AND GREG CHEERING, LAUGHING) (FORCED LAUGHTER DIES AWAY) - Ah.
- Oh.
(QUIET GROAN) I'll just wrap this up in the hall.
Oh! Leg cramp.
Whoo! Had no idea you liked golf.
Yeah, can't get enough of it.
(CHUCKLES) You don't look like a golf guy.
You look more like a theater guy who a golf guy would bully.
Sure this has nothing to do with the fact that Clementine just started working here as a cart girl? Nope, nope.
I just love getting out and playing all ten holes every chance I get.
It's 18 holes.
18? Are you kidding me? We'll be here all day.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) (GOLF CLUB WHOOSHES THROUGH AIR, THUMPS) You can play that.
Or-or hit another.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey, what's going on over there? Oh, it's nothing.
They're probably just hitting on the cart girl.
Clementine? Not necessarily.
I mean, it could be a different cart girl.
No, the club only allows one.
When we had more, the members kept paying them to wrestle in the water hazards there.
Did everybody get one? All I care about is that Clem is happy and I finish this hole under ten.
Oh! Hey! Sorry.
You're still away.
- (LAUGHS): Have fun.
- All right.
Hey, guys.
Sorry.
I got the balls only the pros use, - so they go a lot further.
- Oh.
Do you guys want anything to drink? No, I want to golf sober like an idiot.
- (CHUCKLES) - Two beers.
- Okay.
- I'll have a Perrier.
What? I mean, uh, rosé.
Okay.
- Rosé.
- Yeah.
And two beers.
That'll be 26 bucks.
But we agreed I get you the job, and you get me the free drinks.
Oh, is that what all the winks were about? No, I just thought you were having a stroke.
Well, this is ridiculous.
I made you.
Do you want me to watch you hit the ball? I'd rather you didn't.
Oh! Geez.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
Look, on behalf of my entire gender, I want to apologize for the way that you were treated today.
(CHUCKLES) Are you kidding me? Oh, I had so much fun today.
You know, I never knew that I looked like someone who could keep a secret.
Wait, so you're fine with being completely exploited? What are you talking about? Well, I just thought you were above using your sexuality to get a tip.
Wait, so that's what you think I was doing? Yeah.
Oh, well, then, no, no, please, please, come on, tell me how you think a woman should behave.
Well, first of all, I don't think she'd look to a man That was not a real question.
Save double bogey.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) Whew, look at that hot new cart girl.
I don't understand how you guys get any golf done around here.
(WHISTLES) Hi, Dad! You realize you were just attracted to your own son? And he's not even that hot.
Hey, Tyler, what are you doing here? And, more importantly, where do you stand on family discounts? I told the club president that only having female servers was a sexist policy that could revoke their tax exempt status.
- Attaboy, huh? Stick it to the man.
- (CHUCKLES) The man who's against giving me free drinks.
That'll be 26 bucks.
Damn it, Tyler.
Not you, too.
I should've let your old man have his way with you.
- What? - (CHUCKLES): Wha (SPUTTERS) And I'll pay for the drinks! So, decided to go behind Clementine's back and steal her job, huh? Wouldn't it have been easier to just admit to her that you were jealous? Then she'd know that I made a huge mistake in wanting a divorce.
Everyone knows you made a mistake.
That doesn't mean she doesn't think it was a mistake, too.
- You think? - So you need to go find that girl and you need to get her back in your life.
All right? You go tell her how you feel.
- Really? - Yes! She can't read minds.
She's not a psychic.
God, I hope she's not psychic.
- All right.
Thanks, Dad.
- Go! - Run! - (CHUCKLES) Look at him.
Enjoying the show, you sick freak? Clem.
Hey, can I talk to you for a second? - You gonna apologize? - Yes.
Look, I'm sorry that I acted like such a jerk.
You were right.
I was just jealous of all the attention that you were getting.
You know, Tyler, this divorce hasn't been exactly easy on me either.
- Really? Because I was rethinking my decision - MAN: Hey! You must be Tyler? Yeah, has Clementine been talking about me? No.
She just said your name.
Um, this is Ricardo.
He works with me in the kids' club.
Hey, we should probably get going if we want to catch the meteor shower.
- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.
I'll talk to you later, okay? Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Is that Clementine's new fella? She could do a lot worse.
Maybe someday she will.
Thanks, Pop-Pop.
Ooh, Napa Chardonnay.
Hmm.
Hey, Uncle Matt.
- What are you doing here? - Well, I'm definitely not taking food and sticking it in a grocery bag and then going home because I didn't think anyone was here.
Cool.
Why aren't you at the strawberry festival with your family? That's where they went? (CHUCKLES) I just woke up and nobody was here.
I'm sure your parents will feel terrible when they realize they left you out.
No, they won't.
Dad'll come in and he'll be like, "Oh, how'd you beat us in from the car?" Yeah, I know what it's like being a middle child.
I mean, look around this place.
There's no pictures of me anywhere.
And I'm the good-looking one.
You know, my whole life, it was all about Heather.
And then, suddenly, Greg was born with a tail, and it's like I don't even exist.
No one told me he had a tail.
(SIGHS) Nobody tells me anything.
I'm like the middle piece of bread in a club sandwich Everyone just wishes you were more bacon.
You know what? All that changes today.
Today is Middle Child Day.
What is something that you have always wanted to do but you haven't been able to do because you're the forgotten one? I don't care.
You choose.
No.
Stop accommodating everyone like a middle.
Be the bacon.
Uh (CHUCKLES) I've always wanted to do trapeze.
Anything else? Get my tongue pierced? - Trapeze it is.
- (LAUGHS) You know, there is a piercing place around the corner.
It's only got one star on Yelp, but that's fine.
What if I love this? What if I'm good at this? What if it becomes a career? What if I give you all the money in my wallet and we just call this a day? I thought you didn't have any money and I had to pay for this.
That is correct.
Are you scared of heights? I thought you were just afraid of spiders.
Oh! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Oh, look at that.
Yeah, no, I'm scared of heights.
Why? Do you think that there's spiders up there, too? Because if there are, then, you know what, to hell with it I'm just gonna go home.
Uncle Matt, the thing about being a middle is that people never believe in us or they forget about us.
- But you know what? - What? I don't know.
I've never been able to make a speech this long without someone interrupting me.
You're right.
Middle power.
View is beautiful.
(PANTING) I really should've told Colleen I loved her this morning.
Can't believe my last words to her are gonna be, "Hey, can you hand me that spray? I just wrecked this bathroom.
" Hey! Hurry up! Other people want to go, too! We'll go when we're ready! You want to come down here and say that? Yes, I really do! Okay.
We're gonna do this.
All right, just take this bar.
There it is.
(CHUCKLES): Hey.
All right, now.
(SIGHS) Now now, just don't look down.
Don't look what'd I just say? Matt, don't look down.
Don't Uncle Matt? Are you okay?! Don't say anything if you're okay! All right, Sammy, here you go! Spotlight's all yours! SAMANTHA: Okay! Here it goes! Ready, set, go.
(SQUEALS, LAUGHS) Hey, man, check it out.
That's my niece.
I mean, she's a little bit quiet, but if you keep your eye on her, you see what makes her so special.
Oh! Oh, no! Okay.
All right, all right, all right.
- That is special.
- Okay, well, look away.
That's my niece.
Ooh! Look at you! You're amazing! With the thing with the legs! You went upside down! - It was incredible! (LAUGHS) - I know! Thank you.
Would you like a souvenir photo of you on the trapeze? Whoa.
Or you being lifted out of the net by a cable? Whoa.
(CHUCKLES) Man, I don't even remember that.
(CHUCKLES) It probably happens all the time, huh? No.
It's $19 for one or $20 for 50.
What would we possibly do with that many pictures of us? (CHUCKLES) This is great.
(CHUCKLES) I can't wait to see their faces when they notice these pictures.
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) You think tomorrow I'm gonna go back to being the middle kid that doesn't get invited to the strawberry festival? Honestly? Yeah, probably.
(CHUCKLES) But I won't ever see you that way.
Do you want to hear something that no one else knows? What? Colleen and I are trying to have a baby.
Oh, my gosh! - That's so exciting! - (CHUCKLES) - Thank you.
Now, you can't tell anyone.
- (CHUCKLES) - No, I-I won't.
- Okay.
Do you want to hear something first? - Yeah! - I have a boyfriend.
Oh, Sam.
He's a senior.
Hmm? Isn't that so hot? (CHUCKLING): Oh