Live at The Apollo (2004) s03e05 Episode Script
Joan Rivers
THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Joan Rivers.
APPLAUSE MUSIC: "The Bitch is Back" by Elton John Stone cold sober as a matter of fact I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch I'm better than you It's the way that I move It's the things that I do CHEERING AND WHISTLING £165.
So I've got to show it to you otherwise it doesn't go off my income tax.
Anyhow, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, and there are lots of celebrities, theoretically, in the audience.
APPLAUSE There's one man, I was on the breakfast show with him.
Eamonn Holmes, where are you? Oh, my darling, yes, yes, yes.
Where is the wife? I want you to know your husband loves you very, very much and every time he's making out with other women, when he climaxes, he says your name and that is .
.
Very important.
Now where is Gok? Gok? Gok Wan, where are you? How are you? Fabulous, thank you.
You look gorgeous.
Oh, yeah, I look gorgeous.
Well, it's yours.
It's just We did a show together and we said, let's go into business together.
And I said let's do lollipops because we could call them "Goksuckers" and I thought Good thing we didn't do it.
But it's lovely to see you.
Good to see you too.
Who else is here? Andrea Corr.
Where are you? Oh, there you are.
So pretty.
And you're a beautiful singer.
Because I'm not a good singer and I'm always very in awe of people that sing.
I sang once for Barbara Streisand, this is a true story, and her eyes crossed the other way.
It was just Anyhow, who else? A lot of people here today.
Ah, James Nesbitt, where are you? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A lot of Irish people.
Are the bars closed? Craig Revel Horwood, nice to see you.
You too, darling.
And you and I, which many people do not know, we were in tap-dancing class together and Heather McCartney was in the class with us.
A great little tapper, but just you know like one way.
It was tr She kept falling down on the Hokey Cokey.
By the way, you in the audience over here, if you want to text in a question to me we will answer them at the end of the show, OK? Good.
Now, I'm thrilled to be here, this is my second time on this stage and I'm here and I have to say this before we even start the show, because I had a very bad cold, I flew over, and I want to thank Dr Bernard Schwartz from Harley Street, because he got me well this morning.
I said, "I can't do the show," and he said, "Coffee enemas," and I can never go back to Starbucks, but the point is And I came over to do this show and I'm also here for charity because at this age you like to give back, you're closer to God, you know.
And I did the osteoporosis benefit this afternoon and got a stooping ovation, I was very proud.
And the ladies would applaud and you would hear, "Crack".
Also Angelina Jolie is a friend of mine who is very charitable and loves Is she here? Look for a woman with big Now men love that, like pelican lips, I have never seen She'll stand at one end of the room and be I'll at the other and throw sardines.
"Catch.
" And she's a darling girl.
Does anyone know her? All she wants to do is do good for people and she was saying to me, "If I can make just one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied.
" I said, "Easy, just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
" APPLAUSE Makes sense to me.
Because she keeps adopting these little ugly children.
Ugh, these kids, who by the way, you've never seen them when they grow up, they go into her basement, sew, sew, sew.
Butoh! Excuse me, Angie's kids.
But if you're, you know, and I think it's very nice, you want to go to Africa, you want to adopt a kid, but what about home first? What about fucking home first? You want a thin starving black child, don't go to fucking Africa.
How about Nicole Richie, right here in our town? Sickening.
And who else adopted? Um, they had theirs theoretically, Tom and Kate.
Look who I'm asking again, the straight guy.
Who is gay here that can help me? Oh, you are gay? This is it.
You're gay? SHE ROARS Are you a lesbian? You look really butch.
But Tom and Katie Holmes also have that, that little Chinese baby they're pretending is theirs.
It is just Oh, grow up! She is so unhappy, she never talks.
Have you ever watched them? Watch her eyes, she blinks, S-O-S S-O-S, S-O-S.
And she's very thin.
Has anyone ever met her? Like toothpick legs, you know, "Katie, get me an olive," "Here, catch.
" It is just Which I shouldn't laugh at because I've always been fat.
I was my own buddy at camp.
I was such a fat kid, my mother used to buy bathing suits with blowholes in them.
It was just But I don't want to go into my childhood here because it's wrong.
My parents hated me, OK? We're all going to hear this story and I don't mean, "My parents hated me too.
" All I ever heard, ALL I ever heard growing up was "Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila? "Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila?" Sheila had died at birth.
They justoh, hated me.
Hated me.
Whenever we would go in front of a street, each parent would take my hand, "Hold our hands as we cross the street," then they'd swing me into the traffic.
They used to say, "Take candy from strangers.
" "Ask the funny man in the raincoat if he owns a van.
" No, I, I had a very bad childhood and that's because - and I'm sure none of you give a damn - but I was the only Jewish kid, this is the absolute truth, growing up in an all Catholic neighbourhood.
The Irish people.
Only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighbourhood.
Do you know what that's like? You were all doing Hail Marys, I was doing Hail Murrays.
No Christmas tree.
No Christmas tree.
Do you know what that's like when you're the only kid without a Christmas tree? Everybody has Christmas trees and nowadays it's like, "Well, we do it for all faiths.
" That's such bullshit.
Yeah, we walk into an office building and there's a Christmas tree and there's a menorah.
Bullshit.
The Christmas tree goes up, up, up, up, up.
There's a little shitty menorah with two orange lights that some angry Puerto Rican's lit backwards.
"You lit those lights backwards.
" "Fuck you, you killed our Lord.
" I mean, it is just So, I'm at the age where I figured, screw it, I'm going to have a Christmas tree.
I got the biggest Christmas tree in I got a two-storey high Christmas tree.
I put everything you could think of on that tree.
Up, up, gorgeous, gorgeous.
On the bottom I got the manger, I got the whole goddamn thing going there, the wise men, the sheep.
The only thing is, I had the baby, I'm Jewish, I got him a nanny.
It was just Oh, yes.
And, I re-dressed Mary.
She didn't look good.
That stupid thing over her head, come on.
I put her in a Chanel suit, Manolo Blahniks and a Louis Vuitton pocket book.
You're the mother of God, look it.
It is just Am I wrong? If she'd looked like that she would have gotten into the inn.
Yes.
The point is, it's about looks.
Mary, she looked good, she would have done better.
Mother Theresa? SHE IMITATES A DOG Oh, don't give me "Oh.
" Mother Theresa, if she had looked better she'd be a saint by now.
Was she a bow-wow? Yes.
Did she need electrolysis? Let's talk to each other here.
Even lepers were throwing their fingers at her, "Get away!" Because it is all about looks.
This is my message, Great Britain.
This is my message! Looks count.
Education, pft! Looks count.
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life.
Peeping Toms look in my window, pull down the shade.
You have no idea.
My gynaecologist examines me by telephone.
It is just And you know when it changes for a woman? When you no longer have your period.
Every woman in this room, enjoy your period.
I don't want to hear, "I've got cramps.
" Cos the minute you have no period men couldn't give a shit.
No man will look at you if they think you're over.
I'm telling you, I still carry tampons in my purse.
When no-one is looking I open my purse and a tampon drops out.
"Agh, I could just die!" It has been so long.
If I ever got a tampon I wouldn't know which end to put in.
Cos you know what, because age You're all, it's a young audience.
You know what it's like, age, and it will happen to all of you.
Ha-ha! The body drops, my breasts I could have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Yes, you know what it's like.
And you know what? You know what? This is horrible.
Do you know what really drops first? The vagina.
Yeah, no-one tells, the vagina drops.
I woke up six months ago, I went, "Why am I wearing a bunny slipper?" "And why is it grey?" It is just Let me tell you something, and that's why I'm glad I had the chance to discuss this because our mothers don't tell us.
If our mothers told us you would feel better, do you know what I mean? If my mother had said to me, "Joan, when you get old "your vagina's gonna drop but it's a good thing, "because you can have sex in the bedroom "and still watch TV in the living room.
" Because if you don't know, it's trouble.
Am I wrong? You see, men don't know.
The whole front row, "Oh, who cares?" because nothing bothers men and you know why? And I'm talking straight men as well as gay men.
Because they all can have sex for ever because of, not Viagra.
Viagra Plus, has that come over here yet? The Viagra that lasts for 36 hours with an erection.
Do you have that? In the United 36 "So you can be ready when she is.
" And she comes home from her osteoporosis lesson.
36-hour erections on 90-year-old men, oh, my God.
And these poor women.
Even if it's ten minutes a session, that's 212 times you have to fake an orgasm.
And how often can you say, "You're the best? You're the best.
"You're the best.
" A nightmare.
A nightmare.
36 hours.
36 hours.
And even if a man is a giant in bed, a giant in bed, so you can go for five hours, he's still got 31 fucking hours left with an erection.
What is he going to do? Hang out in front of an elevator? "Can I help you? What floor?" "16.
" "My pleasure.
Ping pong.
" It's a nightmare.
A nightmare.
And you know who I feel sorry for? Not the men.
It's these poor wives, these poor dry old wives and these guys on top of them, in and out, in and out, in and out.
They're gonna set them on fire.
It's just Hey, you're a wonderful audience.
Enough about me and my problems, I am here to introduce, and look at this, the respect I get here, I have to drag the whole thing off with me.
I want to introduce our guest.
I met him backstage, I've seen his work before, he's hilariously funny.
He's adorable, I must say.
He's got kind of charm.
You know when like men are charming? And this man could charm the pants on to Britney Spears, he is just adorable.
Please welcome Patrick Kielty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse I said no, no, no Yes, I've been black but when I come back You'll know, know, know I ain't got the time But if my daddy thinks I'm fine Thank you very much, thank you.
Good evening.
Tell you what, isn't Kate Thornton looking hot again? Oh, it's lovely to be here and it's always nice, isn't it, when the introduction is better than the guest who's coming out? Isn't it? You're thinking "Oh, it's Joan Rivers, who's she bringing out? "It has to be good.
He's charming.
He's funny.
"Is it Eddie Izzard? Is it Billy Connolly? "Oh, no it's the albino twat from Fame Academy, yes.
" But we have some real celebs in the audience tonight, proper celebs.
We've got the beautiful Andrea Corr in the audience.
We've got Jimmy Nesbitt in the audience.
And, we have Her Majesty the Queen.
I know what you're thinking, the Queen actually isn't here, but this is the BBC, we'll edit her in later.
By the time we've finished with her, she'll be picking the name for the new Blue Peter cat, just up there.
It's good that all the fakery in television has been sorted out? We've had to root it all out, get on with it, clean up our act and so we can move on with this recording of Live at the Apollo, yes.
Shh, they'll never notice at home, honestly.
We just need to change one letter, it'll be fine, trust me.
Oh, the truth and television, yes, we go together like Amy Winehouse and soap.
Eh? She's a lovely lady, very talented, musically very successful, but let's be honest just a bit .
.
Dirty.
Really, isn't she? And when I say dirty I don't mean dirty in a good way.
Amy's the other kind of dirty.
Amy looks like she's actually pissed in more sinks than she's washed in.
Still, though, I shouldn't be speaking ill of the dead.
COLLECTIVE GROAN I know Amy's still alive.
But this show isn't going out for a few weeks, you've got to keep up to date.
I thought though it was quite nice that the record company was so supportive of her.
Wasn't that nice? Take as much time as you want off, honestly we'll send you off, get clean, go on holiday, sort yourself out, to Jamaica.
What a great idea that was, eh? I'm no Paul McKenna, but I reckon if you're trying to kick the habit the Gangaland theme park in the middle of the Caribbean isn't really the best place to start, is it? And you know the weird thing about Amy Winehouse for me? I can actually say this tonight.
Anybody else with me on this? I don't care.
I couldn't give a sweaty Betty what Amy Winehouse does.
Honestly, if she wants to get pissed, just knock yourself out, right? It's fantastic, it's entertaining, it's beautiful, but it's not news.
I don't want it in my newspaper.
Darfur is news, Iraq is news, I'm sorry, I'm not interested.
"Oh, you don't understand.
You don't understand, Paddy.
"She's a binge drinker.
" Oh, she's a binge drinker, aahh.
As an Irishman can I ask an innocent question? Is there any other sort of fucking drinking? Binge drinking isn't the problem, binge drinking's the solution.
People talk about 24-hour drinking, they say, "Britain's been ruined, "it's been ruined, Paddy, by 24-hour drinking.
" Can I tell you binge drinking didn't ruin Ireland.
Binge drinking built Ireland.
And after we'd finished building Ireland we came over here and built your country as well.
Before those Poles undercut us.
APPLAUSE You can applaud all you like, they do shit wiring.
The only problem with binge drinking that I find is that there's three drinks between "I love you" and "You fucker.
" Does anybody else find this? And for me it normally happens at Christmas.
It always happens at the best times.
It doesn't matter how much you prepare for Christmas, on Christmas Eve you can sit down and think your next day is gonna be an episode of Nigella Lawson.
Trust me, by the time Fools and Horses comes along your living room looks like a Kerry Katona Iceland advert.
And then we get to that special point of the evening, drinks 12 to 15.
Drink number 12, "I love you.
" Drink number 14, "I love you, you fucker.
" Drink number 15 HE SNORES "You fucker.
" Always interesting waking up on Boxing Day and trying to explain that one to your girlfriend.
And why you said it to her mum over the turkey.
As if men need excuses to make crap decisions.
Honestly, whenever it comes to decision-making men are wired but we are not earthed.
We make shit decisions.
We do.
Every man tonight could be in a pub at six o'clock on a Friday evening and get the same phone call from his girlfriend.
"Hi, um, I've just been to the garage "and got a nice bottle of Ernest and Julio Gallo, "and I've cooked us some shepherd's pie "and I've run a bath and I've lit some candles "and I've changed the sheet on the bed "No, just the bottom sheet.
"What time will you be home at?" Every man in this room, it's a no-brainer.
Every man in this room will be, "I will be home in 20 minutes.
" Click.
Fast forward to closing time .
.
Seven out of ten men in this room will be snattering into a pint of Guinness, arguing whether David Beckham could beat Kyle Minogue in an arm wrestle.
It's true.
I'm not saying all men are the same.
Three out of ten men will be home having that sex and that wine with their boyfriends.
We just make shit decisions.
Men make immoral decisions, we make irrelevant decisions, we make immature decisions, we make decisions when we don't even know there's a decision to be made.
But you know what? At least we make a decision, now Yeah.
Let's try this one out with the class, eh? Look at all the couples sitting there now.
Look, "You listen to him, you listen to him.
" "I went to see Patrick Kielty.
" "Was he funny?" "No.
But he was true.
" Is it just me? Am I an indecision magnet, eh? Honestly, I can get all sorts of women.
Can I get a woman who will make a decision? We're not talking big decisions.
We're not talking, "Should I murder your ma and move to Australia?" It's "What do you want to do tonight?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" "Well, I don't know.
"We could go for a takeaway, or we could get a movie, or go for a meal.
" "What do you want to do?" "Oh, I don't know, what do you want to do?" So you go to the restaurant, the sommelier comes over.
"Would sir like red or white?" "Maybe the red, but red stains my teeth.
"Maybe white but are you having the fish? "If you are, you should have white.
Oh, I'm really not sure.
" "Just the red please, yeah.
"Save yourself.
I have to live with this, OK.
" Gets to the starter.
"Oh, I don't know, maybe the duck or the prawns, "or the duck and the prawns.
"Am I allergic to duck? Did Jill like the prawns? "Oh, I don't know, if you were me what would you have?" "You by the fucking throat, that's what I'd have.
" Girls, have you any idea how difficult it is for a man to sit in a restaurant, look across at the woman he loves and think to himself, "If I marry this women she's going to want to decide the name of my first-born child?" "If I marry this woman and I'm unfaithful she's going to decide "whether to keep me in the house or make me leave and keep half my stuff.
"If I'm involved in a terrible accident "and I'm on a life-support machine ".
.
She's gonna decide whether to keep me alive or turn me off.
"And she can't even make her mind up "between the chocolate cake and the sticky toffee pudding.
" And do you know the worst thing about this? I'm looking out at couples now - women should now be turning to their men going "Would I turn it off? Would I keep it on? Would I turn it off? Would I keep it on?" And the only things going through your minds, girls? "Chocolate cake? Toffee pudding?" "Oh, it's a toughie, Paddy, it's a toughie, oh.
"Is the cake hot?" Ah, you know what my favourite one is? My favourite one is, "I don't care.
" Three words that make up the single biggest lie, gentlemen, you will ever hear on your time on this planet.
Because when a woman says, "I don't care," what she means is, "I really, really, really DO care, "and it's your job, fucko ".
.
To guess what I'm thinking.
"Because if you loved me, "you'd be able to pluck out of the ether what's inside my little head.
" Girls, I hate to piss on your lollipops, I really do.
You see whenever David Copperfield is on stage in Vegas he looks at the pretty girl in the front row? He takes a six of diamonds from behind her ear and goes, "Is this the card you're thinking about?" He can do that because he's a magician not because he's a man.
Just tell us.
Just say what you mean.
That's all we want.
We're men, we say what we mean.
When a man says, "I'm hungry," do you know what that actually means? Yeah, I'm hungry.
"I'm tired," means I'm tired.
"I'm horny," means I'm horny.
"I love you" means I'm horny.
"I'm bored," means I'm horny.
"I'll buy you those shoes," means I'll be horny later.
"Those shoes go with your lipstick," means I'm gay, the end, no further questions.
Why is it that my girlfriend loves Pretty Woman, which is a movie about a hooker And when I try to get her to make the small leap to actually be in a movie with a hooker, it doesn't work? All girls are the same, all my girlfriends.
They say, "Oh, but Pretty Woman is romantic.
" "Pretty Woman's a romantic movie.
" It's not, it's about prostitution.
It glamorises prostitution.
"Oh, no, it's not, Paddy, no, it's a romantic movie.
"She finds her knight in shining armour, it's romantic.
" Why is it girls think that? Dirty Dancing is another one.
All girls love Dirty Dancing.
"Oh, it's beautiful.
" It's about an underage girl who goes to a holiday camp with her parents and has sex with a Redcoat, let's be honest.
It's an underage knee-trembler at Butlins.
I've had the time of my life It's tricky though, it's tricky with my attitude to, ah, to meet women.
Honestly, it's tough whenever you go out clubbing if you're Irish, because Irish men can't dance.
Honestly, I hate to tell you, anybody who paid 70 quid to see this I think we might have had you on that one.
But the problem now, everything is now hip-hop, yo-yo, hip-hop.
And that's tricky.
Any idea how tricky it is for an Irishman to do hip-hop? I was going out to a club and decided to practice in front of a mirror and my friend said, "Just bounce, baby, "just bounce baby, just bounce a baby, come on.
"Just work the baby, just work the baby, just work the baby, come on.
" I had my friend from Mayo over for the weekend.
I said, "We're going out dancing tonight, have a look at this.
"Bounce a baby, just bounce a baby, just bounce a baby, come on.
" "Never mind the bouncing, "where's the ponies we're going to be jockeying tonight?" So we head out to a club.
We head out to a club, it was the most embarrassing night of my life, as the Irishman wanted to do the same thing that Irishmen have done in nightclubs since 1954, the lap of the dancefloor.
"You can't do that, you look like a fucking axe murderer.
"You've gotta dance, you've gotta dance with them, "you can't just stalk them like a wildlife film.
"Dance.
Come on.
" So the next tune comes on.
She takes my money When I'm in need Oh, she's a trifling friend indeed Oh, she's a gold digger, way over town That digs on BEATBOXES I ain't saying she a gold digger But she ain't messing with no broke nigger I ain't saying she a gold digger But she ain't messing with no broke nigger Come on, girl, go ahead, get down Come on, girl, go ahead, get down You look behind you expecting your mate to be doing the same thing.
He is dancing like this.
SHOUTS: I ain't saying she a gold digger, la, la, la! I ain't saying she's a gold digger! Come on, girl, get up, get round! "Would you let go of her hair?!" Irish people and hippity-hop, it just doesn't work.
I did this gig in Hackney during the summer where I had to hang out with a bunch of rappers, and after a couple of hours, you realise why Tupac and Daniel O'Donnell never actually did make that record together.
When you grow up in a small village in Ireland, you know the type of village I grew up in, "R Kelly" was your kid sister.
"Where's our Kelly?" "She's out playin'.
" "Tell her her tea's ready.
" And it didn't work, because the whole UK hip-hop scene, I was expecting the kind of MTV thing, I was expecting the hos and the swimming pool and I was expecting Cribs.
I was expecting Cribs, because when I watch Cribs, when they give you their make-believe life, where the rappers actually pretend they've got a posh lifestyle? Because it's not true, it's not real.
If you want to get into the mind of a rapper, just think pikey who's won the Lottery.
Honestly, that's it.
"Come here, come here, mister, come here, here, "look at my Mercedes here with the spinning rims, mister.
"Come here.
Look at my big fountain here, mister.
"Come here, check that out there, check, check, check, check it out.
"Look down there, look at my big swinging gates, mister, "look at my driveway, I tarmaced that myself, yo.
" And that's what I was expecting, right, but you know East London hip-hop it's not like that.
It's very, very difficult to get bitches cruising in a Punto.
I'm actually sitting having my lunch and this, I kid you not, this happened to me, I'm with these rappers, I'm with my crew, they brought me to Hackney just beside where the Olympic stadium is about to built and they take me for rice and peas, OK.
I'm sitting there eating my rice and peas and a 14-year-old kid on a pushbike comes up with a gun, puts it in my face and goes, "Time to get outta town, white boy, innit?" Now you might think that's quite funny, but even as someone who has lived in Belfast, the infamous words of Bobby Brown to Whitney when they couldn't find the number for the dealer went through my mind.
"Houston, we have a fucking problem.
" I know the Olympics aren't out there for five years, I set a personal best.
And unlike Paula Radcliffe, I didn't have to stop at the side of the road to shit meself.
You know, the weird thing about it is that when you come from Northern Ireland, if I had actually got shot, it kinda would have been embarrassing.
Do you know what I mean? If you've actually lived over there for 25 years, managed to survive the Real IRA, the surreal IRA, the Provisional IRA, low-fat IRA, diet IRA, Can't Believe It's Not The IRA It gets to the stage where a kid popping you on a bike .
.
It's not good for the cred, is it, you know? It's interesting the way everything's changed now - I actually go back to Northern Ireland to get away from the shooting.
Honestly.
Did you ever get to the stage where there'd be bombs in London and we're not planting them? Eh? Did you ever think you'd get to the day when you'd miss us? Remember the good old days, we used to ring you up, have a wee chat? Tell you where the bomb was, what time it was going off? Oh, yeah, we were a better class of murdering bastard, we were, yes.
And it's weird the way things have actually changed.
You know, if we have any Muslims in tonight, right, from experience the next 30 years will be shit.
Honestly, you might as well have your fun like we used to have, honestly.
If you're Muslim in this time, take the Tube.
Bring a backpack.
You might get a few funny looks, but trust me, you'll get a seat.
It's true.
Muslims are the new Micks, that's the way it is.
Give it 30 years, the English will be back eating out of your hand.
There'll be themed Muslim pubs.
Muslim boybands on Top of the Pops.
Honestly, we've been there, done that, got the balaclava, trust me.
Iraq is just IRA with a Q on the end.
APPLAUSE You know, for me it's really weird to see the way things change and the security questions that you get asked.
In this town you're meant to be on your guard, be vigilant, all right.
I'm sorry but all the security means nothing.
If it's gonna happen, it's luck.
If it's not gonna happen, it's luck.
That's the way it is.
Do you think honestly that if you're a Muslim fundamentalist terrorist who turns up at the airport, you've managed to train in the foothills of Pakistan, learn how to evade Western society, blend in and pick up the necessary interrogation techniques to avoid Guantanamo Bay, what do you reckon the chances are you'll crack when Chantelle at the Easyjet counter hits you with, "Have you packed this bag yourself, sir?" "I give up.
" "No more St Tropez, begone!" I just tell the truth.
"Any baggage, sir?" "Yes, my father was murdered when I was 16, "I haven't had a girlfriend in 18 years, "I think they're connected, but I'm working through it, what about you?" "No need to be smart, sir.
It is for your own safety.
" If it was for my own safety, I'd be checked in by a former SAS officer with a history of psychological profiling and a Rottweiler, not a chick in an orange blouse with split ends who looks like she's on day release from the Clarins counter in Boots.
APPLAUSE You're meant to be on your guard.
"They're coming to get you.
" "Al Qaeda, they're coming to get you.
" We're meant to believe that al Qaeda is a sophisticated terrorist organisation with eyes across the world, just waiting to come and get us.
Are we talking about the same sophisticated terrorist organisation that couldn't blow up a Jeep Cherokee at Glasgow airport with three tanks of patio gas.
Excuse me while I don't shit myself.
Glasgow airport has seen more violent stag parties check in, come on.
And you could tell, you could actually tell the disdain which Scottish people thought of that attack.
On the news in Scotland that evening: "There was confusion today at Glasgow airport.
" Not terror, not panic, confusion.
If those guys had tried that in Belfast ten years ago that wouldn't have even made the sports.
"And so Linfield two points clear at the top, back to you, Noel.
" "And finally tonight" It is amateur night out.
Come on.
Two doctors, they were two doctors.
They couldn't even work out the dosage of explosives.
Come on, be safe, honestly, who cares? Richard Reid couldn't even light the match.
Go home, be safe.
Terrorism isn't a career now, it's an event.
They're amateurs.
When I was growing up, terrorism, it was a career, it was a trade.
You made your name, raised hell for a bit, came to Britain, made a name for yourself, went to America, made your money and when you lost your touch you went into politics.
These days, suicide bombers are like X-Factor winners.
It's true.
One big hit, they're in the paper for three days, you never hear from them again.
Go home.
Be safe.
Suicide bombing.
Suicide, blowing yourself up.
Come on, eh? And they say the Irish are stupid? Where I come from, blowing yourself up used to be a mistake.
You went straight to the bottom of bomb-making class where I came from on that one.
Pick up your arms and your legs, McGuinness, and stand in the corner.
The whole point about bombs is there are three things to a bomb, right? You go in, you plant it, you get away.
Right? Suicide bombing is just so defeatist, isn't it? I'm not saying Muslim terrorists are stupid or Irish terrorists are smart but if the IRA had of planned 9/11 they would have flown those planes into those towers and escaped.
Go home, London, there is nothing to fear.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
I'm Patrick Kielty.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE So funny.
I'm here because you texted from the audience and if I can work this stupid thing, we will see what you've said.
OK, so here we go.
"Joan, are you really Jewish?" No.
I'm tall, black and Catholic.
This is just a facade.
OK, next.
"Are you green?" OK, am I green? Ah, yes, and no.
I was very green, OK, and then I looked at Al Gore and he's saving the planet, I think, by eating it.
So, I amand I'm not.
Right here we go, OK.
"You look so thin for your age" They always have to ruin it.
"You look so thin for your age, how do you do it?" Um, I actually belong to Overeaters Anonymous.
Does anyone here belong? Except you're anonymous, don't answer.
The lousy thing is they don't serve hors d'oeuvres but the meetings are very interesting, because these big fat ladies sit crying, they go like, "Nobody loves me," you know.
Which is not true - the butcher loves them, the baker loves them.
One woman said Stood up and said, "They made me buy two seats in the aeroplane.
" I said, "Yes, but you got two meals," and she perked right up.
It was just so Anyhow, it has been, it's been such a nice evening, you've been such a fabulous audience and before we leave, and I know this sounds stupid and sentimental but this really is a terrific country.
As a visitor, I'm telling you I love, love, love this country and that we're all here tonight is a wonderful thing, so I want you all to stop and look at the person you're with and I want you to say, "I'm so glad," because we never do this, we're always complaining.
Look at whoever you're with Oh, see, exactly.
"I'm so glad.
" Come on, look at the person, don't look at me.
Look at the person.
This is not fucking hard.
Look at the person.
We're gonna say it three times.
This is what life is about.
One, "I'm so glad.
" Come on, guys.
ALL JOIN IN I'm so glad.
I'm so glad .
.
I'm not you.
Thank you and good night.
A pleasure working with you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE MUSIC: "The Bitch is Back" by Elton John Stone cold sober as a matter of fact I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch I'm better than you It's the way that I move It's the things that I do CHEERING AND WHISTLING £165.
So I've got to show it to you otherwise it doesn't go off my income tax.
Anyhow, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, and there are lots of celebrities, theoretically, in the audience.
APPLAUSE There's one man, I was on the breakfast show with him.
Eamonn Holmes, where are you? Oh, my darling, yes, yes, yes.
Where is the wife? I want you to know your husband loves you very, very much and every time he's making out with other women, when he climaxes, he says your name and that is .
.
Very important.
Now where is Gok? Gok? Gok Wan, where are you? How are you? Fabulous, thank you.
You look gorgeous.
Oh, yeah, I look gorgeous.
Well, it's yours.
It's just We did a show together and we said, let's go into business together.
And I said let's do lollipops because we could call them "Goksuckers" and I thought Good thing we didn't do it.
But it's lovely to see you.
Good to see you too.
Who else is here? Andrea Corr.
Where are you? Oh, there you are.
So pretty.
And you're a beautiful singer.
Because I'm not a good singer and I'm always very in awe of people that sing.
I sang once for Barbara Streisand, this is a true story, and her eyes crossed the other way.
It was just Anyhow, who else? A lot of people here today.
Ah, James Nesbitt, where are you? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A lot of Irish people.
Are the bars closed? Craig Revel Horwood, nice to see you.
You too, darling.
And you and I, which many people do not know, we were in tap-dancing class together and Heather McCartney was in the class with us.
A great little tapper, but just you know like one way.
It was tr She kept falling down on the Hokey Cokey.
By the way, you in the audience over here, if you want to text in a question to me we will answer them at the end of the show, OK? Good.
Now, I'm thrilled to be here, this is my second time on this stage and I'm here and I have to say this before we even start the show, because I had a very bad cold, I flew over, and I want to thank Dr Bernard Schwartz from Harley Street, because he got me well this morning.
I said, "I can't do the show," and he said, "Coffee enemas," and I can never go back to Starbucks, but the point is And I came over to do this show and I'm also here for charity because at this age you like to give back, you're closer to God, you know.
And I did the osteoporosis benefit this afternoon and got a stooping ovation, I was very proud.
And the ladies would applaud and you would hear, "Crack".
Also Angelina Jolie is a friend of mine who is very charitable and loves Is she here? Look for a woman with big Now men love that, like pelican lips, I have never seen She'll stand at one end of the room and be I'll at the other and throw sardines.
"Catch.
" And she's a darling girl.
Does anyone know her? All she wants to do is do good for people and she was saying to me, "If I can make just one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied.
" I said, "Easy, just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
" APPLAUSE Makes sense to me.
Because she keeps adopting these little ugly children.
Ugh, these kids, who by the way, you've never seen them when they grow up, they go into her basement, sew, sew, sew.
Butoh! Excuse me, Angie's kids.
But if you're, you know, and I think it's very nice, you want to go to Africa, you want to adopt a kid, but what about home first? What about fucking home first? You want a thin starving black child, don't go to fucking Africa.
How about Nicole Richie, right here in our town? Sickening.
And who else adopted? Um, they had theirs theoretically, Tom and Kate.
Look who I'm asking again, the straight guy.
Who is gay here that can help me? Oh, you are gay? This is it.
You're gay? SHE ROARS Are you a lesbian? You look really butch.
But Tom and Katie Holmes also have that, that little Chinese baby they're pretending is theirs.
It is just Oh, grow up! She is so unhappy, she never talks.
Have you ever watched them? Watch her eyes, she blinks, S-O-S S-O-S, S-O-S.
And she's very thin.
Has anyone ever met her? Like toothpick legs, you know, "Katie, get me an olive," "Here, catch.
" It is just Which I shouldn't laugh at because I've always been fat.
I was my own buddy at camp.
I was such a fat kid, my mother used to buy bathing suits with blowholes in them.
It was just But I don't want to go into my childhood here because it's wrong.
My parents hated me, OK? We're all going to hear this story and I don't mean, "My parents hated me too.
" All I ever heard, ALL I ever heard growing up was "Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila? "Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila?" Sheila had died at birth.
They justoh, hated me.
Hated me.
Whenever we would go in front of a street, each parent would take my hand, "Hold our hands as we cross the street," then they'd swing me into the traffic.
They used to say, "Take candy from strangers.
" "Ask the funny man in the raincoat if he owns a van.
" No, I, I had a very bad childhood and that's because - and I'm sure none of you give a damn - but I was the only Jewish kid, this is the absolute truth, growing up in an all Catholic neighbourhood.
The Irish people.
Only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighbourhood.
Do you know what that's like? You were all doing Hail Marys, I was doing Hail Murrays.
No Christmas tree.
No Christmas tree.
Do you know what that's like when you're the only kid without a Christmas tree? Everybody has Christmas trees and nowadays it's like, "Well, we do it for all faiths.
" That's such bullshit.
Yeah, we walk into an office building and there's a Christmas tree and there's a menorah.
Bullshit.
The Christmas tree goes up, up, up, up, up.
There's a little shitty menorah with two orange lights that some angry Puerto Rican's lit backwards.
"You lit those lights backwards.
" "Fuck you, you killed our Lord.
" I mean, it is just So, I'm at the age where I figured, screw it, I'm going to have a Christmas tree.
I got the biggest Christmas tree in I got a two-storey high Christmas tree.
I put everything you could think of on that tree.
Up, up, gorgeous, gorgeous.
On the bottom I got the manger, I got the whole goddamn thing going there, the wise men, the sheep.
The only thing is, I had the baby, I'm Jewish, I got him a nanny.
It was just Oh, yes.
And, I re-dressed Mary.
She didn't look good.
That stupid thing over her head, come on.
I put her in a Chanel suit, Manolo Blahniks and a Louis Vuitton pocket book.
You're the mother of God, look it.
It is just Am I wrong? If she'd looked like that she would have gotten into the inn.
Yes.
The point is, it's about looks.
Mary, she looked good, she would have done better.
Mother Theresa? SHE IMITATES A DOG Oh, don't give me "Oh.
" Mother Theresa, if she had looked better she'd be a saint by now.
Was she a bow-wow? Yes.
Did she need electrolysis? Let's talk to each other here.
Even lepers were throwing their fingers at her, "Get away!" Because it is all about looks.
This is my message, Great Britain.
This is my message! Looks count.
Education, pft! Looks count.
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life.
Peeping Toms look in my window, pull down the shade.
You have no idea.
My gynaecologist examines me by telephone.
It is just And you know when it changes for a woman? When you no longer have your period.
Every woman in this room, enjoy your period.
I don't want to hear, "I've got cramps.
" Cos the minute you have no period men couldn't give a shit.
No man will look at you if they think you're over.
I'm telling you, I still carry tampons in my purse.
When no-one is looking I open my purse and a tampon drops out.
"Agh, I could just die!" It has been so long.
If I ever got a tampon I wouldn't know which end to put in.
Cos you know what, because age You're all, it's a young audience.
You know what it's like, age, and it will happen to all of you.
Ha-ha! The body drops, my breasts I could have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Yes, you know what it's like.
And you know what? You know what? This is horrible.
Do you know what really drops first? The vagina.
Yeah, no-one tells, the vagina drops.
I woke up six months ago, I went, "Why am I wearing a bunny slipper?" "And why is it grey?" It is just Let me tell you something, and that's why I'm glad I had the chance to discuss this because our mothers don't tell us.
If our mothers told us you would feel better, do you know what I mean? If my mother had said to me, "Joan, when you get old "your vagina's gonna drop but it's a good thing, "because you can have sex in the bedroom "and still watch TV in the living room.
" Because if you don't know, it's trouble.
Am I wrong? You see, men don't know.
The whole front row, "Oh, who cares?" because nothing bothers men and you know why? And I'm talking straight men as well as gay men.
Because they all can have sex for ever because of, not Viagra.
Viagra Plus, has that come over here yet? The Viagra that lasts for 36 hours with an erection.
Do you have that? In the United 36 "So you can be ready when she is.
" And she comes home from her osteoporosis lesson.
36-hour erections on 90-year-old men, oh, my God.
And these poor women.
Even if it's ten minutes a session, that's 212 times you have to fake an orgasm.
And how often can you say, "You're the best? You're the best.
"You're the best.
" A nightmare.
A nightmare.
36 hours.
36 hours.
And even if a man is a giant in bed, a giant in bed, so you can go for five hours, he's still got 31 fucking hours left with an erection.
What is he going to do? Hang out in front of an elevator? "Can I help you? What floor?" "16.
" "My pleasure.
Ping pong.
" It's a nightmare.
A nightmare.
And you know who I feel sorry for? Not the men.
It's these poor wives, these poor dry old wives and these guys on top of them, in and out, in and out, in and out.
They're gonna set them on fire.
It's just Hey, you're a wonderful audience.
Enough about me and my problems, I am here to introduce, and look at this, the respect I get here, I have to drag the whole thing off with me.
I want to introduce our guest.
I met him backstage, I've seen his work before, he's hilariously funny.
He's adorable, I must say.
He's got kind of charm.
You know when like men are charming? And this man could charm the pants on to Britney Spears, he is just adorable.
Please welcome Patrick Kielty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse I said no, no, no Yes, I've been black but when I come back You'll know, know, know I ain't got the time But if my daddy thinks I'm fine Thank you very much, thank you.
Good evening.
Tell you what, isn't Kate Thornton looking hot again? Oh, it's lovely to be here and it's always nice, isn't it, when the introduction is better than the guest who's coming out? Isn't it? You're thinking "Oh, it's Joan Rivers, who's she bringing out? "It has to be good.
He's charming.
He's funny.
"Is it Eddie Izzard? Is it Billy Connolly? "Oh, no it's the albino twat from Fame Academy, yes.
" But we have some real celebs in the audience tonight, proper celebs.
We've got the beautiful Andrea Corr in the audience.
We've got Jimmy Nesbitt in the audience.
And, we have Her Majesty the Queen.
I know what you're thinking, the Queen actually isn't here, but this is the BBC, we'll edit her in later.
By the time we've finished with her, she'll be picking the name for the new Blue Peter cat, just up there.
It's good that all the fakery in television has been sorted out? We've had to root it all out, get on with it, clean up our act and so we can move on with this recording of Live at the Apollo, yes.
Shh, they'll never notice at home, honestly.
We just need to change one letter, it'll be fine, trust me.
Oh, the truth and television, yes, we go together like Amy Winehouse and soap.
Eh? She's a lovely lady, very talented, musically very successful, but let's be honest just a bit .
.
Dirty.
Really, isn't she? And when I say dirty I don't mean dirty in a good way.
Amy's the other kind of dirty.
Amy looks like she's actually pissed in more sinks than she's washed in.
Still, though, I shouldn't be speaking ill of the dead.
COLLECTIVE GROAN I know Amy's still alive.
But this show isn't going out for a few weeks, you've got to keep up to date.
I thought though it was quite nice that the record company was so supportive of her.
Wasn't that nice? Take as much time as you want off, honestly we'll send you off, get clean, go on holiday, sort yourself out, to Jamaica.
What a great idea that was, eh? I'm no Paul McKenna, but I reckon if you're trying to kick the habit the Gangaland theme park in the middle of the Caribbean isn't really the best place to start, is it? And you know the weird thing about Amy Winehouse for me? I can actually say this tonight.
Anybody else with me on this? I don't care.
I couldn't give a sweaty Betty what Amy Winehouse does.
Honestly, if she wants to get pissed, just knock yourself out, right? It's fantastic, it's entertaining, it's beautiful, but it's not news.
I don't want it in my newspaper.
Darfur is news, Iraq is news, I'm sorry, I'm not interested.
"Oh, you don't understand.
You don't understand, Paddy.
"She's a binge drinker.
" Oh, she's a binge drinker, aahh.
As an Irishman can I ask an innocent question? Is there any other sort of fucking drinking? Binge drinking isn't the problem, binge drinking's the solution.
People talk about 24-hour drinking, they say, "Britain's been ruined, "it's been ruined, Paddy, by 24-hour drinking.
" Can I tell you binge drinking didn't ruin Ireland.
Binge drinking built Ireland.
And after we'd finished building Ireland we came over here and built your country as well.
Before those Poles undercut us.
APPLAUSE You can applaud all you like, they do shit wiring.
The only problem with binge drinking that I find is that there's three drinks between "I love you" and "You fucker.
" Does anybody else find this? And for me it normally happens at Christmas.
It always happens at the best times.
It doesn't matter how much you prepare for Christmas, on Christmas Eve you can sit down and think your next day is gonna be an episode of Nigella Lawson.
Trust me, by the time Fools and Horses comes along your living room looks like a Kerry Katona Iceland advert.
And then we get to that special point of the evening, drinks 12 to 15.
Drink number 12, "I love you.
" Drink number 14, "I love you, you fucker.
" Drink number 15 HE SNORES "You fucker.
" Always interesting waking up on Boxing Day and trying to explain that one to your girlfriend.
And why you said it to her mum over the turkey.
As if men need excuses to make crap decisions.
Honestly, whenever it comes to decision-making men are wired but we are not earthed.
We make shit decisions.
We do.
Every man tonight could be in a pub at six o'clock on a Friday evening and get the same phone call from his girlfriend.
"Hi, um, I've just been to the garage "and got a nice bottle of Ernest and Julio Gallo, "and I've cooked us some shepherd's pie "and I've run a bath and I've lit some candles "and I've changed the sheet on the bed "No, just the bottom sheet.
"What time will you be home at?" Every man in this room, it's a no-brainer.
Every man in this room will be, "I will be home in 20 minutes.
" Click.
Fast forward to closing time .
.
Seven out of ten men in this room will be snattering into a pint of Guinness, arguing whether David Beckham could beat Kyle Minogue in an arm wrestle.
It's true.
I'm not saying all men are the same.
Three out of ten men will be home having that sex and that wine with their boyfriends.
We just make shit decisions.
Men make immoral decisions, we make irrelevant decisions, we make immature decisions, we make decisions when we don't even know there's a decision to be made.
But you know what? At least we make a decision, now Yeah.
Let's try this one out with the class, eh? Look at all the couples sitting there now.
Look, "You listen to him, you listen to him.
" "I went to see Patrick Kielty.
" "Was he funny?" "No.
But he was true.
" Is it just me? Am I an indecision magnet, eh? Honestly, I can get all sorts of women.
Can I get a woman who will make a decision? We're not talking big decisions.
We're not talking, "Should I murder your ma and move to Australia?" It's "What do you want to do tonight?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" "Well, I don't know.
"We could go for a takeaway, or we could get a movie, or go for a meal.
" "What do you want to do?" "Oh, I don't know, what do you want to do?" So you go to the restaurant, the sommelier comes over.
"Would sir like red or white?" "Maybe the red, but red stains my teeth.
"Maybe white but are you having the fish? "If you are, you should have white.
Oh, I'm really not sure.
" "Just the red please, yeah.
"Save yourself.
I have to live with this, OK.
" Gets to the starter.
"Oh, I don't know, maybe the duck or the prawns, "or the duck and the prawns.
"Am I allergic to duck? Did Jill like the prawns? "Oh, I don't know, if you were me what would you have?" "You by the fucking throat, that's what I'd have.
" Girls, have you any idea how difficult it is for a man to sit in a restaurant, look across at the woman he loves and think to himself, "If I marry this women she's going to want to decide the name of my first-born child?" "If I marry this woman and I'm unfaithful she's going to decide "whether to keep me in the house or make me leave and keep half my stuff.
"If I'm involved in a terrible accident "and I'm on a life-support machine ".
.
She's gonna decide whether to keep me alive or turn me off.
"And she can't even make her mind up "between the chocolate cake and the sticky toffee pudding.
" And do you know the worst thing about this? I'm looking out at couples now - women should now be turning to their men going "Would I turn it off? Would I keep it on? Would I turn it off? Would I keep it on?" And the only things going through your minds, girls? "Chocolate cake? Toffee pudding?" "Oh, it's a toughie, Paddy, it's a toughie, oh.
"Is the cake hot?" Ah, you know what my favourite one is? My favourite one is, "I don't care.
" Three words that make up the single biggest lie, gentlemen, you will ever hear on your time on this planet.
Because when a woman says, "I don't care," what she means is, "I really, really, really DO care, "and it's your job, fucko ".
.
To guess what I'm thinking.
"Because if you loved me, "you'd be able to pluck out of the ether what's inside my little head.
" Girls, I hate to piss on your lollipops, I really do.
You see whenever David Copperfield is on stage in Vegas he looks at the pretty girl in the front row? He takes a six of diamonds from behind her ear and goes, "Is this the card you're thinking about?" He can do that because he's a magician not because he's a man.
Just tell us.
Just say what you mean.
That's all we want.
We're men, we say what we mean.
When a man says, "I'm hungry," do you know what that actually means? Yeah, I'm hungry.
"I'm tired," means I'm tired.
"I'm horny," means I'm horny.
"I love you" means I'm horny.
"I'm bored," means I'm horny.
"I'll buy you those shoes," means I'll be horny later.
"Those shoes go with your lipstick," means I'm gay, the end, no further questions.
Why is it that my girlfriend loves Pretty Woman, which is a movie about a hooker And when I try to get her to make the small leap to actually be in a movie with a hooker, it doesn't work? All girls are the same, all my girlfriends.
They say, "Oh, but Pretty Woman is romantic.
" "Pretty Woman's a romantic movie.
" It's not, it's about prostitution.
It glamorises prostitution.
"Oh, no, it's not, Paddy, no, it's a romantic movie.
"She finds her knight in shining armour, it's romantic.
" Why is it girls think that? Dirty Dancing is another one.
All girls love Dirty Dancing.
"Oh, it's beautiful.
" It's about an underage girl who goes to a holiday camp with her parents and has sex with a Redcoat, let's be honest.
It's an underage knee-trembler at Butlins.
I've had the time of my life It's tricky though, it's tricky with my attitude to, ah, to meet women.
Honestly, it's tough whenever you go out clubbing if you're Irish, because Irish men can't dance.
Honestly, I hate to tell you, anybody who paid 70 quid to see this I think we might have had you on that one.
But the problem now, everything is now hip-hop, yo-yo, hip-hop.
And that's tricky.
Any idea how tricky it is for an Irishman to do hip-hop? I was going out to a club and decided to practice in front of a mirror and my friend said, "Just bounce, baby, "just bounce baby, just bounce a baby, come on.
"Just work the baby, just work the baby, just work the baby, come on.
" I had my friend from Mayo over for the weekend.
I said, "We're going out dancing tonight, have a look at this.
"Bounce a baby, just bounce a baby, just bounce a baby, come on.
" "Never mind the bouncing, "where's the ponies we're going to be jockeying tonight?" So we head out to a club.
We head out to a club, it was the most embarrassing night of my life, as the Irishman wanted to do the same thing that Irishmen have done in nightclubs since 1954, the lap of the dancefloor.
"You can't do that, you look like a fucking axe murderer.
"You've gotta dance, you've gotta dance with them, "you can't just stalk them like a wildlife film.
"Dance.
Come on.
" So the next tune comes on.
She takes my money When I'm in need Oh, she's a trifling friend indeed Oh, she's a gold digger, way over town That digs on BEATBOXES I ain't saying she a gold digger But she ain't messing with no broke nigger I ain't saying she a gold digger But she ain't messing with no broke nigger Come on, girl, go ahead, get down Come on, girl, go ahead, get down You look behind you expecting your mate to be doing the same thing.
He is dancing like this.
SHOUTS: I ain't saying she a gold digger, la, la, la! I ain't saying she's a gold digger! Come on, girl, get up, get round! "Would you let go of her hair?!" Irish people and hippity-hop, it just doesn't work.
I did this gig in Hackney during the summer where I had to hang out with a bunch of rappers, and after a couple of hours, you realise why Tupac and Daniel O'Donnell never actually did make that record together.
When you grow up in a small village in Ireland, you know the type of village I grew up in, "R Kelly" was your kid sister.
"Where's our Kelly?" "She's out playin'.
" "Tell her her tea's ready.
" And it didn't work, because the whole UK hip-hop scene, I was expecting the kind of MTV thing, I was expecting the hos and the swimming pool and I was expecting Cribs.
I was expecting Cribs, because when I watch Cribs, when they give you their make-believe life, where the rappers actually pretend they've got a posh lifestyle? Because it's not true, it's not real.
If you want to get into the mind of a rapper, just think pikey who's won the Lottery.
Honestly, that's it.
"Come here, come here, mister, come here, here, "look at my Mercedes here with the spinning rims, mister.
"Come here.
Look at my big fountain here, mister.
"Come here, check that out there, check, check, check, check it out.
"Look down there, look at my big swinging gates, mister, "look at my driveway, I tarmaced that myself, yo.
" And that's what I was expecting, right, but you know East London hip-hop it's not like that.
It's very, very difficult to get bitches cruising in a Punto.
I'm actually sitting having my lunch and this, I kid you not, this happened to me, I'm with these rappers, I'm with my crew, they brought me to Hackney just beside where the Olympic stadium is about to built and they take me for rice and peas, OK.
I'm sitting there eating my rice and peas and a 14-year-old kid on a pushbike comes up with a gun, puts it in my face and goes, "Time to get outta town, white boy, innit?" Now you might think that's quite funny, but even as someone who has lived in Belfast, the infamous words of Bobby Brown to Whitney when they couldn't find the number for the dealer went through my mind.
"Houston, we have a fucking problem.
" I know the Olympics aren't out there for five years, I set a personal best.
And unlike Paula Radcliffe, I didn't have to stop at the side of the road to shit meself.
You know, the weird thing about it is that when you come from Northern Ireland, if I had actually got shot, it kinda would have been embarrassing.
Do you know what I mean? If you've actually lived over there for 25 years, managed to survive the Real IRA, the surreal IRA, the Provisional IRA, low-fat IRA, diet IRA, Can't Believe It's Not The IRA It gets to the stage where a kid popping you on a bike .
.
It's not good for the cred, is it, you know? It's interesting the way everything's changed now - I actually go back to Northern Ireland to get away from the shooting.
Honestly.
Did you ever get to the stage where there'd be bombs in London and we're not planting them? Eh? Did you ever think you'd get to the day when you'd miss us? Remember the good old days, we used to ring you up, have a wee chat? Tell you where the bomb was, what time it was going off? Oh, yeah, we were a better class of murdering bastard, we were, yes.
And it's weird the way things have actually changed.
You know, if we have any Muslims in tonight, right, from experience the next 30 years will be shit.
Honestly, you might as well have your fun like we used to have, honestly.
If you're Muslim in this time, take the Tube.
Bring a backpack.
You might get a few funny looks, but trust me, you'll get a seat.
It's true.
Muslims are the new Micks, that's the way it is.
Give it 30 years, the English will be back eating out of your hand.
There'll be themed Muslim pubs.
Muslim boybands on Top of the Pops.
Honestly, we've been there, done that, got the balaclava, trust me.
Iraq is just IRA with a Q on the end.
APPLAUSE You know, for me it's really weird to see the way things change and the security questions that you get asked.
In this town you're meant to be on your guard, be vigilant, all right.
I'm sorry but all the security means nothing.
If it's gonna happen, it's luck.
If it's not gonna happen, it's luck.
That's the way it is.
Do you think honestly that if you're a Muslim fundamentalist terrorist who turns up at the airport, you've managed to train in the foothills of Pakistan, learn how to evade Western society, blend in and pick up the necessary interrogation techniques to avoid Guantanamo Bay, what do you reckon the chances are you'll crack when Chantelle at the Easyjet counter hits you with, "Have you packed this bag yourself, sir?" "I give up.
" "No more St Tropez, begone!" I just tell the truth.
"Any baggage, sir?" "Yes, my father was murdered when I was 16, "I haven't had a girlfriend in 18 years, "I think they're connected, but I'm working through it, what about you?" "No need to be smart, sir.
It is for your own safety.
" If it was for my own safety, I'd be checked in by a former SAS officer with a history of psychological profiling and a Rottweiler, not a chick in an orange blouse with split ends who looks like she's on day release from the Clarins counter in Boots.
APPLAUSE You're meant to be on your guard.
"They're coming to get you.
" "Al Qaeda, they're coming to get you.
" We're meant to believe that al Qaeda is a sophisticated terrorist organisation with eyes across the world, just waiting to come and get us.
Are we talking about the same sophisticated terrorist organisation that couldn't blow up a Jeep Cherokee at Glasgow airport with three tanks of patio gas.
Excuse me while I don't shit myself.
Glasgow airport has seen more violent stag parties check in, come on.
And you could tell, you could actually tell the disdain which Scottish people thought of that attack.
On the news in Scotland that evening: "There was confusion today at Glasgow airport.
" Not terror, not panic, confusion.
If those guys had tried that in Belfast ten years ago that wouldn't have even made the sports.
"And so Linfield two points clear at the top, back to you, Noel.
" "And finally tonight" It is amateur night out.
Come on.
Two doctors, they were two doctors.
They couldn't even work out the dosage of explosives.
Come on, be safe, honestly, who cares? Richard Reid couldn't even light the match.
Go home, be safe.
Terrorism isn't a career now, it's an event.
They're amateurs.
When I was growing up, terrorism, it was a career, it was a trade.
You made your name, raised hell for a bit, came to Britain, made a name for yourself, went to America, made your money and when you lost your touch you went into politics.
These days, suicide bombers are like X-Factor winners.
It's true.
One big hit, they're in the paper for three days, you never hear from them again.
Go home.
Be safe.
Suicide bombing.
Suicide, blowing yourself up.
Come on, eh? And they say the Irish are stupid? Where I come from, blowing yourself up used to be a mistake.
You went straight to the bottom of bomb-making class where I came from on that one.
Pick up your arms and your legs, McGuinness, and stand in the corner.
The whole point about bombs is there are three things to a bomb, right? You go in, you plant it, you get away.
Right? Suicide bombing is just so defeatist, isn't it? I'm not saying Muslim terrorists are stupid or Irish terrorists are smart but if the IRA had of planned 9/11 they would have flown those planes into those towers and escaped.
Go home, London, there is nothing to fear.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
I'm Patrick Kielty.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE So funny.
I'm here because you texted from the audience and if I can work this stupid thing, we will see what you've said.
OK, so here we go.
"Joan, are you really Jewish?" No.
I'm tall, black and Catholic.
This is just a facade.
OK, next.
"Are you green?" OK, am I green? Ah, yes, and no.
I was very green, OK, and then I looked at Al Gore and he's saving the planet, I think, by eating it.
So, I amand I'm not.
Right here we go, OK.
"You look so thin for your age" They always have to ruin it.
"You look so thin for your age, how do you do it?" Um, I actually belong to Overeaters Anonymous.
Does anyone here belong? Except you're anonymous, don't answer.
The lousy thing is they don't serve hors d'oeuvres but the meetings are very interesting, because these big fat ladies sit crying, they go like, "Nobody loves me," you know.
Which is not true - the butcher loves them, the baker loves them.
One woman said Stood up and said, "They made me buy two seats in the aeroplane.
" I said, "Yes, but you got two meals," and she perked right up.
It was just so Anyhow, it has been, it's been such a nice evening, you've been such a fabulous audience and before we leave, and I know this sounds stupid and sentimental but this really is a terrific country.
As a visitor, I'm telling you I love, love, love this country and that we're all here tonight is a wonderful thing, so I want you all to stop and look at the person you're with and I want you to say, "I'm so glad," because we never do this, we're always complaining.
Look at whoever you're with Oh, see, exactly.
"I'm so glad.
" Come on, look at the person, don't look at me.
Look at the person.
This is not fucking hard.
Look at the person.
We're gonna say it three times.
This is what life is about.
One, "I'm so glad.
" Come on, guys.
ALL JOIN IN I'm so glad.
I'm so glad .
.
I'm not you.
Thank you and good night.
A pleasure working with you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE