Love (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

1 [Randy snoring.]
[ringing.]
Okay, sorry.
Hello, family.
[mom.]
Let's find the surprise.
Where's the surprise? Here's the surprise! - Surprise! - Granny! - Oh, my gosh.
- [all laughing.]
- Oh, Grandma, I miss you.
- [Granny.]
Hello, lovey.
[all exclaiming.]
[mom.]
Bertie, blow out the candles.
Oh, well, now, you know I can't, 'cause I'm not there.
- I hope you don't want me to - Blow on the screen! Well, okay.
[blowing.]
[all cheering.]
Bertie, what are you going to do to celebrate without us? Oh, um I don't really know.
Um But I think Mickey's got something planned.
I'll probably just spend some time with all of my friends here in LA.
There's always something great to do here.
So, it's gonna be good.
I'm so jealous.
I wanna come visit.
But Mom says if I go, she has to come, too.
- It's not fair.
- No.
Oh, well, what's wrong with that? A mom and her two daughters doing lovely things in LA together.
- Oh, how cool would that be? - That would be really cool.
Um, anyway, guys, it's been so nice chatting to you, and I'm happy to see you, and I love you so much, but I do really wanna get a little bit more rest before my big day of fun.
So I'm gonna have to say goodbye for now, okay? - Bye, Bertie, I miss you.
I love you! - Your Uncle Basil died! Bye.
- [sighs.]
- [theme music playing.]
Hey.
How'd you sleep? How did I sleep? That's a little creepy.
Seems like a kinda personal question.
I was just trying to have some normal breakfast conversation.
- We're out of toilet paper.
- Then buy some.
Ladies should choose the toilet paper they want because you have to use it in two different areas.
Just tell me what you want, and I can get it for ya.
Good morning, everyone.
- Guess whose birthday it is today.
- Uh, Dakota Fanning? - Oh, wait.
That's in February, right? - No.
No, close.
It's me, Bertie Beverly Bauer.
"Sweet as honey 'cause she's got three Bs.
" - That's what Daddy used to say.
- Bertie, happy birthday! Holy shit.
Happy birthday! I feel bad I didn't know.
- I'm usually on top of that kind of thing.
- Oh, you are? Hmm.
I'm sorry.
Why didn't you fucking tell me? I would have gotten you a stripper to come serve you breakfast in bed or something.
Oh, didn't I mention it? I guess, my mistake.
It's my first birthday in America.
Yankee doodle birthday! I was hoping you guys would join me celebrating tonight.
Oh, shit.
Bertie, I wish I could, but I can't tonight.
I got This is kind of embarrassing.
I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.
Dr.
Schnittman fit me in at the last minute.
It's really hard to get an appointment.
He's the best in the West.
I have to chug this gross, gray drink all night to clear me out for the procedure.
You turn into a faucet, and things pour out of you, basically.
I have to be close to a toilet.
Schnittman says don't go more than ten feet from a toilet, or there's gonna be some sort of disaster.
And you're gonna be shitting all of that out at our place? Yeah, in the bathroom.
So you're definitely buying us some fucking toilet paper.
Yeah, I'll get you toilet paper.
Oh, before I forget, can you drive me to my colonoscopy tomorrow? Absolutely.
That's fine by me.
Bertie, I'm so sorry.
I can't, either.
We're interviewing this sex worker.
Tonight's the only night she can do it.
No.
No worries, really.
It's my fault for not alerting you earlier.
Um, well, that's fine.
I'm gonna go start my year off right by going to Bar Body, where I'll be toning my thighs and mayhaps my buttocks.
So - My bag.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Bye.
[both.]
Happy birthday, Bertie! Press your lower back down, hold on behind your thighs, extend your legs up to a diagonal.
Keep going.
Exhale.
Exhale.
Okay, no hands touching.
Thank you.
- A little up.
A little down.
- Oh, okay.
- Yes, out.
And in.
- Great.
- Two more times.
Up.
- I got it, I think.
- Down.
Okay, out - Thank you.
- Lift up.
- No.
Switch.
Curl.
Switch.
Curl.
Soften your knees more.
Draw your shoulders back.
Tuck.
Tuck.
Keep going.
Just 50 more.
Curl.
- Pull your abdominals in.
Lift - That's okay.
You don't need to help me.
Thank you.
This guy seemed nice.
He was tall and not bald, which never happens on Tinder.
Uh-huh.
I always match with these short, fat guys who have no money.
But this guy, he was handsome.
He was smart.
- We go to this new Italian place.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, girl, hello.
It was really good.
- [chuckles.]
Yeah.
- So, I planned on going home, you know? - Mmm.
But, well, to make a long story short Too late.
Kidding.
Kidding.
- Good morning.
- [woman.]
So Clayton! - What's up? - Hey! Bye, Sandra.
So great to chat.
- How are you? - Good.
How about you? - I'm really good.
It's so nice to see you.
- Yeah, you too.
- Hey.
- Hi, take it easy.
- Bye, Sandra! - How you doing? I have a bit of news.
- What's up? - It's my birthday.
What? Happy birthday, Bertie! I went for a big, crazy weekend with all my besties last weekend.
We went on a big pub crawl.
But it seems kind of weird to not do anything tonight.
It's your birthday.
You gotta do something.
I was wondering if you would like to go for a drink after work or something? Oh, man, like, I would love to, but my girlfriend is real strict about me not having any female friends.
Right.
Tight leash.
I get it.
Yeah.
She says it'll lead to emotional affairs and then, ultimately, that leads to fucking.
She's not wrong.
I don't have any platonic friends.
I'm an extremely sexual person.
If it's in front of me, I'm probably gonna fuck it.
Not what I was doing here.
But it's a no.
That's cool.
I get it.
But you have a good time.
Enjoy your birthday, B.
Thank you so much.
I will.
- All right.
- It's gonna be fun.
Whoo! [Chris.]
If anybody's wondering, I do have crab legs, which is probably why it's so hard to keep my pants on.
[chuckles.]
Just having fun.
I'll be back to check on you.
All right? Great.
- What's up, guys? - Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
[chuckles.]
Did you hear? He went with the crab legs joke again.
God.
He's like a walking dad joke.
If I'm working here when I'm 30, light me on fire.
And what the hell is he smiling about? His life is so sad.
I know.
[waiter 1.]
Do you remember when he brought his parents here? - How excited he was? - [waiter 2.]
He was so happy.
- [woman.]
Pinot noir.
- All right.
And welcome to the Smoke House.
- Oh, you're here.
- Hey! What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you.
You coming over tonight? I can steal tiramisu from the kitchen.
- There's, like, tons.
- Uh, hey, babe, just a heads-up.
Tom is about to stop by.
He wanted to have lunch here.
[sighs.]
What? Why? You told me you guys were separated.
You said he doesn't respect your spirituality.
We're separated.
We will be separated.
Whatever.
I tried to get him to go somewhere else, but he loves the fucking onion blossom here.
Who doesn't? It's our signature dish.
- This is gonna be awkward as - Hi.
I'm so sorry.
I got so caught up.
I apologize.
Could I get a bourbon, neat, please? Oh, you'd actually go through the bartender for drinks.
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.
[chuckles.]
- Uh, can we start with a - Uh, an onion blossom? I'm a psychic, so [chuckles.]
I'm playing with ya.
- She told me that's what you want.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll put that in for you.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
How's it going? - Good.
- Good.
[Tom.]
So, bad news.
They don't have the moon roof [woman.]
Oh, God.
Enjoy.
[chuckles.]
Hey! Bertie, you showed up.
- Hi! - That's so cool.
Well, I love cake, and I love free things.
And come to think of it, free is my favorite flavor.
[laughing.]
Yeah.
Uh You know what? Let's get you a table.
- Follow me.
We'll talk to the hostess.
- Great.
[waiters.]
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Smoke House's favorite customer Happy birthday to you [Chris chuckles.]
You want me to sing "Happy Birthday" backwards? - Um, okay.
- Okay.
[clears throat.]
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to [Chris and Bertie chuckling.]
I'm just being dumb.
Well, I love it here.
It seems like the kind of place where someone would get gunned down by the mob, and wind up face down in a plate of lamb chops.
- Right? - It's really cool.
Yeah.
It's a celeb hangout, too.
We're actually sitting in the George Clooney booth right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, as legend has it, this is where he was sitting when he got the call that he had booked ER.
Wow.
Yeah, I mean, if these walls could talk, like, they would be like, you know, "Lots of stuff has happened here! All the big-time guys hang out here.
" I have to admit I had, like, this fantasy that for my first birthday in America, I would have a big party, and there would be a celebrity there.
Not like a Kardashian, but maybe someone from The Bachelor or a CSI show, and I could get a selfie with them and send it to my family back home.
Apparently, when they were filming Batman Returns, um, Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito would often have dinner here.
Apparently, Danny DeVito never broke character.
He was always the penguin.
He would order as the Penguin.
- That's so cool.
[chuckles.]
- Yeah.
What else do you got planned for your birthday? Oh, um It's gonna be fun, I think.
It will be I'll probably meet up with some other people, and we'll go and have, uh go in a limo, go for a pub crawl or something.
Or maybe none of those things, 'cause I don't have any more plans.
- What? Bertie, it's your birthday! - Yeah.
You gotta do something fun on your birthday.
I'm doing something fun tonight.
- Really? - Yeah.
I would love to have company if you want to come with me.
Aw - Yeah, okay.
I think that would be great.
- That's awesome.
[chuckles.]
What's up, Mike? He did that on purpose.
We have a whole thing.
He's the weird one.
Friggin' Mike.
[chuckling.]
This isn't part of the adventure.
I gotta get gas.
- [Bertie.]
Got it.
- Okay.
All right.
[grunts.]
I'll be right back.
Do you need anything from in there? Uh, chewing tobacco! Lots of it.
- Just kidding.
- All right.
[stammers.]
Is this weird? I like to pay inside.
I just try and find human interaction wherever I can in LA.
That's a cool idea.
I'm gonna do that next time.
Right? Life hack, bitch! [chuckles.]
Sorry, the "bitch" isn't directed at you.
Oh, no, I get it.
The universe is your bitch.
Exactly.
Okay, I'll be right back.
- Bye.
- Okay.
It's pumping.
[sniffles.]
- It clicks once it's done.
- Okay.
- After you.
[chuckles.]
- Thank you.
- Chris! - I know, right? Yeah.
You gotta wait for it.
- [Bertie.]
Oh, my gosh! - [chuckling.]
This is probably one of my favorite things, probably of all time.
Is this where you come to dance when you're sad, like Kevin Bacon in Footloose? - [laughs.]
No! - [chuckles.]
[crowd cheering.]
Oh, wow! What is this? W818, the best of Van Nuys wrestling! Oh, my God.
This is crazy! I love how in LA the best stuff is always in the most unexpected places.
Like, there'll be really good sushi in a weird strip mall.
That's the only example I can think of, actually.
You're the first person I've brought here.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, I'm honored.
Suck it, Chris' other friends.
[Chris chuckles.]
Right? - It's scary.
- [Frank.]
Hey, my man! - Hey! What's up? - You made it! Hey, what's going on? Hey! Oh, have you guys ever met Bertie? This is Frank and Allan from the Springwood.
- Hi.
- They introduced me to this place.
Kind of like Springwood royalty.
- Oh, well, very nice to meet you.
- Stop.
- This place is amazing.
- Isn't it great? Sit down.
We got seats for you.
- Let's go.
- [Bertie.]
Thank you.
They got wrestling here.
They shoot porno down the block.
Very versatile neighborhood.
And surprisingly good schools.
Chris, is tonight the night you're gonna go up and show us what you got? - Nah - Nah.
Every month he comes and chickens out on the action.
[crowd cheers.]
Who is that guy? He seems really good.
Oh, yeah.
That is Colin Follenweider.
I worship him.
Who is that? [Chris.]
Okay.
She is awesome.
She calls herself Mayday Marge.
Oh, she should be called Marge in Charge.
Oh, yeah, right? Or Sarge Marge 'cause of her outfit.
Holy shit! You should tell her! - Okay, I will.
- [chuckles.]
Actually, she looks a bit scary, so I don't want to.
[music over dialogue.]
Kill her! Kill her! Fucking kill her! Kill her! [crowd cheering.]
Holy shit, Bertie.
You've been screaming all night.
You got a real fire inside you.
Oh, my God.
Colin Follenweider is walking towards me.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Listen to you.
Two hours ago, you had no idea who he was.
- Two hours ago, I was an idiot.
- [laughs.]
Hi, Bertie.
I heard a rumor that you need a picture taken for a very special occasion.
It's not a rumor.
I told him.
- He told me.
- Mr.
Follenweider, I would love that.
Can you take it on my phone? Let's get the ring in the background.
Good idea.
- You can call me Colin.
- Okay, Colin.
Can you do a move on me for the photo? Yeah.
I call this the sleeper.
[grunts.]
- Epic! One, two, three.
- [phone camera clicks.]
- Got it.
- I gotta get back to the ring.
I hope you have a great birthday, Bertie.
Thank you so much.
Break a leg.
Someone else's.
Thanks, CF.
- That was incredible.
- Right? Oh, my God.
I'm texting that to my mom right now.
- I'll get us beers.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
[Chris clears throat.]
Hey, what's up, Rex? Excuse us.
Thank you.
He's Scottish.
- I love it.
- Yeah.
[chuckling.]
But, man, Australia, huh? What even gave you the balls to move here? Ah.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
Why I Left Australia by Bertie Bauer.
[chuckles.]
I had this boyfriend.
And we had known each other since we were in year seven.
And I worked at this flower shop Petals.
Very chic flower shop.
I drowned thousands of maidenhair ferns while I worked there.
But, you know, I was there for eight years.
Wow.
And one day, I just flipped out, and I decided I wanted to move over here and start over.
So I told my boyfriend that I'd gotten a job over here, which, as you probably guessed, was a lie.
And, yeah, I just wanted to get away from him and from my apartment and my old life.
Sorry.
No! Good for you.
I mean, you're here now, right? That's the cool part.
That flower store sounded cool, too.
Yeah, but now I've just settled for another kind of comfortable situation.
[stammers.]
Oh, I remember you said you have a habit of doing that at Mickey's work thing.
But, I mean, Randy seems like a good guy, right? - Oh, yeah.
I didn't mean - Yeah.
- I wasn't necessarily talking about that.
- Oh, yeah.
I just mean, I wanna try new things and have more exciting nights like this and jump off the top turnbuckle of life.
Dude, me too! Like, oh, God Look at me.
I'm such a wimp.
I've been coming here for months and haven't wrestled once.
Well, why not? You should try it.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi.
Does anyone here by any chance need someone to wrestle with tonight? [grunting.]
[crowd cheering.]
[both.]
Whoa! It's Cremator time! [crowd groans.]
[bell dings.]
Hey, Keith! You suck! Big time! What'd you say? Oh, you didn't hear? Maybe you need a hearing aid! I said, Keith the Cremator sucks! My little niece Julia hits harder than that, and she's only five! Keith's coming for him, everyone! This is unplanned! Watch out, Chris.
Control your mind and you control your body.
- Keith, tear his fucking balls off! - Keith the Cremator sucks! [crowd chanting.]
Keith the Cremator sucks! Keith the Cremator sucks! Keith the Cremator sucks! Keith the Cremator sucks! All right, big mouth, you so tough? Get in this ring and show me what's up! - Who, me? - Yeah, you! All right.
You got it, pal! - [bell dings.]
- [laughs.]
[announcer.]
Ladies and gentlemen, W818 Van Nuys Wrestling presents Keith the Cremator versus an audience member! - You messed with the wrong dude! - [Bertie screaming.]
[grunting.]
[screams.]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Why don't you pick on somebody your own size, buster? [crowd gasps.]
[grunts.]
[crowd exclaims.]
[grunting.]
[referee.]
Take it easy.
[Keith.]
It's getting hot in here! [laughing.]
He picked him up by his face! [Keith.]
Cremator time, baby! ["What a Day for a Daydream" playing.]
What a day for a daydream What a day for a daydreamin' boy And I'm lost in a daydream Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy And even if time ain't really On my side It's one of those days For takin' a walk outside I'm blowin' the day to [crowd exclaiming.]
- [bell dings.]
- [announcer.]
The winner is - Let's go check him out! - Oh, my gosh! [announcer.]
Keith the Cremator! Oh, my God! Chris, that was so good! I really felt like you had a long, uncomfortable history with the Cremator.
Holy shit! That felt amazing! You know what I did? I thought about Mike from the steak house.
Guy doesn't even memorize the specials.
That's so fuckin' lazy, right? - That was awesome.
- Thanks, man.
I'm proud of you! Oh, shit.
You got blood.
- Huh? Huh? - [chuckling.]
I'm bleeding? Oh, my God, I'm bleeding? Holy shit, my first battle wound! You better stay away from vampires, 'cause they're gonna tear you up.
Hilarious, Bertie.
All right.
Come on, let's go.
- You do look cool.
- Yeah? Like a brave soldier with a very small cut on his head.
[chuckles.]
Ah, I'm still pumped.
Phew.
[exhales.]
I needed that.
It felt like a little push in the right direction or something.
[grunts.]
Now I can't seem to shake Mike from my brain! Oh, sorry.
Is it really that bad with this guy? I feel like a lot of the waiters there think I'm a joke.
I moved to LA to be a stuntman, and I'm not even close to doing it at all.
Chin up! You got pushed through a table tonight.
Yeah, I did.
[chuckles.]
I don't know.
I've got three months left on my lease at the Springwood.
Part of me feels like maybe I shouldn't renew it.
You're thinking about leaving? Maybe it'd be easier to move back to Chicago and not have to pay $2,300 a month in rent.
Holy shit! I thought you lived there because it's cheap.
No, that place is a paradise.
You do realize all those apartments are fully furnished, right? Listen, you've got three months left on that lease.
Let's make them count.
You're not leaving LA until you've given it a real shot as a stuntman, and I'll try to do something new and cool in that time, too.
Like go back to Bar Body.
I really hated it, but I paid a lot for the classes.
- He's He - Oh! [chuckles.]
That happens sometimes in here.
- I don't care.
It's cool.
- Very casual.
[Bertie.]
Well, thank you for the most action-packed birthday ever.
[Chris chuckles.]
Awesome night.
How about a birthday hug and then I'll let you go? - Okay.
- [chuckles.]
Oh, Bertie, wait.
I didn't get your number.
Yeah.
You want to do that? - Let's swap numbers.
- What the heck, right? - Do you wanna just punch it in? - That's easy.
Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Happy birthday again.
- Thank you.
You made it so fun.
- Oh, yeah.
Thanks for coming with.
- And get home safe.
- You, too.
Thanks.
- Night! - Bye.
Bye.
Randy? Hey, Bertie.
What is all this? I wanted to give you something special for your birthday, but since I was trapped in the house all day, I had to Postmates this cake.
That is so nice.
- It melted a little bit.
- Mm-hmm.
[Randy breathes deeply.]
I also bought you some fresh toilet paper.
But I had to open it and use some of it, so Oh, wow! It smells so good in here.
Yeah.
I lit all your scented candles because of, you know the shit smell.
I'm sorry I couldn't hang out with you today.
Happy birthday, Bertie bear.
[clicks tongue.]
Aw Thanks, bear.
What are you gonna wish for? Oh I can't tell.
Otherwise, it won't work.
I wished for my colonoscopy to come back positive or you know, everything to come back good.
Yeah.
[sighs.]
Should we eat? I guess.
[Norah Jones' "Carry On" playing.]
And after all's been said and done Who said it best? Were you the one? Let's just forget Leave it behind and carry on [Randy snoring.]
If you should find the time to speak Then speak to me I'd never keep you From your final destiny So carry on Into the quiet, I am bound What you have lost, I've never found I lost my nerve, yet peace surrounds So carry on Into the quiet, I am bound What you have lost, I've never found I lost my nerve, yet peace surrounds So carry on And now that all's been said and done Who said it best? Were you the one? Let's just forget, leave it behind And carry on