Malcolm in the Middle s03e05 Episode Script
Charity
Lois, are you about done? No! You gotta get outta there - I'm late.
NO! You should get up in time! I WOULD if someone didn't turn off my snooze alarm! It went off every SIX minutes for an HOUR! What are you doing? Getting in, Lois! You are NOT! Not until I am finished! (HUSKY VOICE) I don't think I'll be able to come in today! I've got a pretty severe fever, scratchy throat Cough.
("COUGHS") # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big # Life is unfair # No.
No.
No.
Wait.
No.
No.
Gimme that! No.
No.
No.
Wait.
No.
No.
Hi, boys.
Got a second? You have a pretty good life! Uh-oh.
Spend your days flying kites, playing video games.
It's time you enriched your lives.
When did we have kites?! I won't have you grow up to be selfish little pigs.
So I volunteered you to do some charity work.
You can choose between helping old people, or helping poor people.
Or I can make you do BOTH! OK! Old people.
(What can be hard about old people?) Poor people! We want poor people! Hi.
I'm Francis.
Mr Price said I should see you.
Oh! I can't believe how cold it is up here! Course it is Alaska, but you'd think they could dome the place, or put tunnels between the buildings.
You must know my buddy Eric Hanson.
He got the logging job for me.
Do you give out the axes? Cos I'm a lefty if that makes any difference? What's that? A broom, genius(!) Grab an apron, sweep out my pantry.
And quit starin' at my bosom! You don't understand I came here to work as a logger.
Lemme tell ya about loggers - they're filthy, drunken, low-life swine, .
.
and YOU are their slave.
You will feed them, do their laundry and clean out their privys.
Don't steal, don't back talk, and don't socialise with the Eskimos.
OK WHAT'D I SAY ABOUT BACK-TALK?! Eric? Francis?! What's goin' on? I thought you - (SOBS LOUDLY) I don't hear sweepin'! You boys should be so proud of yourselves! People will really appreciate this.
I'm gonna say a special prayer for you.
Yeah.
That should make us even(!) Why are we organising trash?! It's not trash! It's stuff donated to the poor.
Look, Reese, it's just like yours.
Except nicer.
It doesn't have holes.
Well, this jacket is better than yours! You're right.
Everything IN here is better than our stuff! Haha! You're poor! No wonder I never got a rocket sled.
What are you doing? Trading! But- Look, I'm making a donation.
Instead of ONE poor person getting a new shirt, TWO poor people do.
What's wrong with that? I can't move! Ten hours scouring deep-fat friers with a 20 minute break to de-tick sled dogs What's wrong with that woman?! Her name's Lavernia.
She controls every facet of your life.
She finds out your weaknesses then gets inside your head and makes you hate yourself! Women! They're just like the woods.
Mysterious.
Full of wolves.
(SOBBING) Whoah! Pull together man! It could be worse.
At least we're making good money.
No, we're not! See her ledger book? She charges us for EVERYTHING and deducts it from our pay! Food, rent, aprons, Hair gel.
My first cheque was for $6! (ELECTRICAL SHORTING) Great(!) Generator's out again.
So, what, we just sit around in the dark?! Oh, this isn't dark.
Ever spent the night in a caribou's gut? Who is this old coot? He's my best friend here! (SOBBING RESUMES) So nice of your boys to help us out like this! We've always LOVED this old church.
If you cut through the parking lot you miss the traffic light on Sixth.
Keep up the good work, boys! Alright, I'll be back in two hours.
During which time I suggest you think about the horrible thoughtless whatever it is you did to deserve this punishment.
That's just it! We didn't DO anything.
Mom said we needed to build character.
YOUR character, right? Well, see that you do! What are you doing? Trading again.
A backpack for a backpack.
Dewey, wait! A yo-yo isn't equal to a GameBoy.
What if I throw in my Mightyman.
OK, two toys for one seems fair.
Yeah.
I mean, as long as what we trade is equal, it seems Whoa Check these out! Is this fair? Think of it this way When you add the value of the work we're doing, we're still way ahead.
Where do I dump this? Ya don't dump it! You take the bucket, heat it to 190 degrees, run it through the hair trap and make gravy for dinner.
Re-use old filthy fat?! DO YOU LIKE HAVIN' A JOB?! Hey, Lavernia.
I need some licorice, some paper towels and a 6-pack of beer.
Sure, hon.
Oh, no.
It took me six months to get you paid off last time.
I'm outta your book for good.
Hard cash! Got it exactly! Good enough.
Like a freshly baked muffin.
Only $8.
You gotta be kiddin'! Eight bucks for a lil Are those raisins? Last ones till spring.
Quit starin' at my caboose - back to work! Hey, you don't have to snarl at us everyti- High school's brutal! Don't get this much homework in other classes.
They just keep heaping it on! Is Monday OK? Make it Friday.
I don't wanna ruin your weekend.
Oh.
I lost the crystal off my watch.
Your parents gave you that.
There's one like this at the church.
Could you get it for me? If you donate something of equal or greater value.
How about aftershave? Mom got it for me for parties and dances.
Poor deluded woman! Sold.
You wouldn't believe the stuff they got.
Clothes, toys, comics Yesterday a guy donated an old Nintendo - the Double Dragon 4 game.
DD4?! The Sacred Stone? Yeah, why? I give you $20 for it.
Money? I guess we could put it in the collection box.
This is great! The church is only charging $5 for it.
This way Stevie gets his game and the church gets an extra $10.
No, the church gets an extra $15.
I think we deserve something for our trouble.
Think of it this way The church gets three times what it asked for.
Yeah.
We're makin' this work for everyone.
Any porcelain tea sets? NOT for me, of course.
For my sister.
Isn't she at Vassar? Look, do you want the cash or not?! ".
.
and my job in Alaska is great - making tons of money and friends.
" "So your dire predictions of misery and exploitation were, as always, dead wrong.
" Oh, he's a good boy.
They're all good kids.
Mrs Potts at the church says they're a godsend.
Whoah, whoah! Where are you off to? We told Mrs Potts we'd be back after lunch.
Charity's fun.
Thanks, Mom! Well, whaddaya know! Are we finally getting something right with them? .
.
.
.
with your children.
# HEROIC FILM SCORE And experience the just-washed freshness of new Persil.
.
.
This is ridiculous! The wolves had me tree-ed for half an hour.
I've just about- OW! YOU CAN'T TREAT US LIKE THIS! This is inhuman! We are citizens! This is America! Isn't it? I'm sorry, Francis.
It's all my fault.
Stop crying.
It's OK, man.
No, it isn't! God, you must hate me.
Come on! You're my friend.
I can't hate YOU! (HARMONICA PLAYS "STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT") Er, sorry.
Thought I's pickin' up the vibe.
Look, Lavernia may be evil, and she may be tough, but we can beat her.
How? Our lives our controlled by that ledger book.
Everything we do increases our debt.
This is what military school was for To wage war against all authority no matter what the odds.
She may be a manipulative monster, but Mom can't win every round.
Who? Lavernia! We gotta get her where she lives.
We gotta get that book! I HATE that book.
Know what book I hate? Valley of the Dolls.
What kind of ending was that? OK, Stevie wants Pam Grier memorabilia.
IF he can keep it here.
If he's got the money, the church doesn't care.
And the liquor store guy will take the breadmaker.
Hey, we're up to $159! What shall we buy? I say we buy a saddle.
Then they can't say no to the horse.
I don't WANT a horse! I say we vote.
Dewey? Can God see everything we do? What? Mrs Potts said God sees everything we do.
Yeah, Dewey.
God can magically see through roofs.
What are you worried about? We're not doing anything wrong.
Then how come we have money? Well, sometimes when you do good things, good things happen for you.
Satisfied? I mean, think of it this way, Dewey, people are still getting what they need.
OK, we DO have some money, but the church does, too, so no-one's getting hurt an- (NOISE OUTSIDE DOOR) This is bad.
Once we get the saddle, we should just quit.
We're not getting the saddle! This was ALL a mistake! I should've KNOWN something was wrong when YOU started making sense.
This is YOUR fault! You're supposed to keep us OUT of trouble! So YOU'RE going to hell! We're ALL going to hell! You guys seen the remote for What's going on? Dad, we've done something terrible.
It might be the worst thing we've ever done.
Just calm down.
Let's talk this through.
It can't be that bad.
You've been stealing money from the CHURCH! And maybe some merchandise.
You boys, you've been taking stereos, toys Is that cheese? Oh god ARGH! My god! Dewey, get a washcloth! Here you go, Dad.
Nice and even.
You stole AIR?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOYS? Do you EVER stop and think of the consequences of ANYTHING you do?! Do you realise the SHAME you'll bring on the family? DO YOU?! Forget THAT, what's MOM gonna say?! Right, we sneak this back into the church, and no-one will ever know.
The church left us alone with all that stuff.
It was entrapment! Reese, no more excuses! (ENGINE MAKES ODD NOISE) Oh, damn! IT'S GOD, HE FOUND US! It's not God, Dewey.
It's just my crappy car.
Although he COULD have helped out in my career a bit, thrown a promotion MY WAY once in a while.
Maybe it IS God! This is the street mum drives down, and she finishes work in TEN MINUTES! You, sir, a shirt? Three shirts.
Some pants? You'd be a 34 waist? Look, I don't want these! Why not, they're free! What's wrong with them? Nothing! Oh, look, just gimme five bucks! Alright.
What's going on? This guy's selling me all this for five bucks.
I'll give you five for that.
OK, gather round.
I've got a good-as-new stereo.
Who's next? I am.
This your stuff? I know how this must look, but I didn't steal any of these things.
My boys took 'em from a church.
Neither one of you nimrods leave until that grill is spotless.
And after that, get that jar of poison and bait the rat traps.
That doesn't make sense.
Why poison them if we have traps? Because I'll fire your ass! Perfect.
Nice job with the tape! Thanks.
Most people put the tape on too tight so you lose that nice clang.
Everyone hates her so much, they'll never pin it on us! God, look at this next to my name - emotionally dependent on pornography, loves nut clusters.
How does she know I love nut clusters?! Took the tape off the door.
You dragged me to Alaska.
Nnnrrrrrrgg! Aarrrnnnnng! (BOTH SOB) Listen, if you do hear from them, please call me.
(PHONE RINGS) Yes! Hal! You had me worried sick! The police said they released you three hours ago! By now you'll know everything.
The boys and I are gonna disappear.
Hal, where are you? I am not at liberty to reveal that.
"BUS NO.
23 FOR OMAHA NOW BOARDING.
" Hal, you're a middle-aged man, you CAN'T run away from home! I have a credit card that begs to differ! Hang up! She's tracin' it! DON'T YOU HANG UP THAT PHONE! Hal, you're not gonna do this.
You and the boys are gonna come home right now.
Why would I do that? Because you love me too much to run away.
That may may be true, Lois.
But maybe we'll just have a long distance relationship for a while.
Some of those can work.
Hal, have you even thought what you'd be like without me? Well, no.
.
Do you have any idea how much you'd miss me? Do you? Yes Yes.
I I have some idea.
Dad, you're folding! He's folding! I knew we should've paid that wino to make the call.
Er, honey? We're back.
Hey, guys.
Why don't you wash up, dinner's ready.
It's your favourite - meat loaf and mashed potatoes.
OK.
Great.
Why isn't she mad? What happened? Our stuff is gone! I gave it all to charity.
You've two changes of clothes - one for school, one for home.
Something wrong? No problem.
No, fine.
No, no.
More wine? Please.
So, how long is it gonna take us to work off all this stuff? Well, this should put us into the 23rd century.
Sesame cracker? Don't mind if I do.
I've been lying here thinking about God.
I don't know much, just that he's this all powerful, all knowing being.
Kinda like Mom, only invisible.
So I feel better on his good side.
And we probably all focus too much on material things.
What are you doing? Praying.
No you're NOT! He's got chocolate! GET HIM! (SCREAMS) Come on, give it! New Savlon Advanced Healing Gel .
.
creates optimal conditions to help speed up the healing .
.
of cuts and grazes from the moment it touches the skin.
Which could be a problem if your child likes .
.
showing off their wounds to impress their friends.
NO! You should get up in time! I WOULD if someone didn't turn off my snooze alarm! It went off every SIX minutes for an HOUR! What are you doing? Getting in, Lois! You are NOT! Not until I am finished! (HUSKY VOICE) I don't think I'll be able to come in today! I've got a pretty severe fever, scratchy throat Cough.
("COUGHS") # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big # Life is unfair # No.
No.
No.
Wait.
No.
No.
Gimme that! No.
No.
No.
Wait.
No.
No.
Hi, boys.
Got a second? You have a pretty good life! Uh-oh.
Spend your days flying kites, playing video games.
It's time you enriched your lives.
When did we have kites?! I won't have you grow up to be selfish little pigs.
So I volunteered you to do some charity work.
You can choose between helping old people, or helping poor people.
Or I can make you do BOTH! OK! Old people.
(What can be hard about old people?) Poor people! We want poor people! Hi.
I'm Francis.
Mr Price said I should see you.
Oh! I can't believe how cold it is up here! Course it is Alaska, but you'd think they could dome the place, or put tunnels between the buildings.
You must know my buddy Eric Hanson.
He got the logging job for me.
Do you give out the axes? Cos I'm a lefty if that makes any difference? What's that? A broom, genius(!) Grab an apron, sweep out my pantry.
And quit starin' at my bosom! You don't understand I came here to work as a logger.
Lemme tell ya about loggers - they're filthy, drunken, low-life swine, .
.
and YOU are their slave.
You will feed them, do their laundry and clean out their privys.
Don't steal, don't back talk, and don't socialise with the Eskimos.
OK WHAT'D I SAY ABOUT BACK-TALK?! Eric? Francis?! What's goin' on? I thought you - (SOBS LOUDLY) I don't hear sweepin'! You boys should be so proud of yourselves! People will really appreciate this.
I'm gonna say a special prayer for you.
Yeah.
That should make us even(!) Why are we organising trash?! It's not trash! It's stuff donated to the poor.
Look, Reese, it's just like yours.
Except nicer.
It doesn't have holes.
Well, this jacket is better than yours! You're right.
Everything IN here is better than our stuff! Haha! You're poor! No wonder I never got a rocket sled.
What are you doing? Trading! But- Look, I'm making a donation.
Instead of ONE poor person getting a new shirt, TWO poor people do.
What's wrong with that? I can't move! Ten hours scouring deep-fat friers with a 20 minute break to de-tick sled dogs What's wrong with that woman?! Her name's Lavernia.
She controls every facet of your life.
She finds out your weaknesses then gets inside your head and makes you hate yourself! Women! They're just like the woods.
Mysterious.
Full of wolves.
(SOBBING) Whoah! Pull together man! It could be worse.
At least we're making good money.
No, we're not! See her ledger book? She charges us for EVERYTHING and deducts it from our pay! Food, rent, aprons, Hair gel.
My first cheque was for $6! (ELECTRICAL SHORTING) Great(!) Generator's out again.
So, what, we just sit around in the dark?! Oh, this isn't dark.
Ever spent the night in a caribou's gut? Who is this old coot? He's my best friend here! (SOBBING RESUMES) So nice of your boys to help us out like this! We've always LOVED this old church.
If you cut through the parking lot you miss the traffic light on Sixth.
Keep up the good work, boys! Alright, I'll be back in two hours.
During which time I suggest you think about the horrible thoughtless whatever it is you did to deserve this punishment.
That's just it! We didn't DO anything.
Mom said we needed to build character.
YOUR character, right? Well, see that you do! What are you doing? Trading again.
A backpack for a backpack.
Dewey, wait! A yo-yo isn't equal to a GameBoy.
What if I throw in my Mightyman.
OK, two toys for one seems fair.
Yeah.
I mean, as long as what we trade is equal, it seems Whoa Check these out! Is this fair? Think of it this way When you add the value of the work we're doing, we're still way ahead.
Where do I dump this? Ya don't dump it! You take the bucket, heat it to 190 degrees, run it through the hair trap and make gravy for dinner.
Re-use old filthy fat?! DO YOU LIKE HAVIN' A JOB?! Hey, Lavernia.
I need some licorice, some paper towels and a 6-pack of beer.
Sure, hon.
Oh, no.
It took me six months to get you paid off last time.
I'm outta your book for good.
Hard cash! Got it exactly! Good enough.
Like a freshly baked muffin.
Only $8.
You gotta be kiddin'! Eight bucks for a lil Are those raisins? Last ones till spring.
Quit starin' at my caboose - back to work! Hey, you don't have to snarl at us everyti- High school's brutal! Don't get this much homework in other classes.
They just keep heaping it on! Is Monday OK? Make it Friday.
I don't wanna ruin your weekend.
Oh.
I lost the crystal off my watch.
Your parents gave you that.
There's one like this at the church.
Could you get it for me? If you donate something of equal or greater value.
How about aftershave? Mom got it for me for parties and dances.
Poor deluded woman! Sold.
You wouldn't believe the stuff they got.
Clothes, toys, comics Yesterday a guy donated an old Nintendo - the Double Dragon 4 game.
DD4?! The Sacred Stone? Yeah, why? I give you $20 for it.
Money? I guess we could put it in the collection box.
This is great! The church is only charging $5 for it.
This way Stevie gets his game and the church gets an extra $10.
No, the church gets an extra $15.
I think we deserve something for our trouble.
Think of it this way The church gets three times what it asked for.
Yeah.
We're makin' this work for everyone.
Any porcelain tea sets? NOT for me, of course.
For my sister.
Isn't she at Vassar? Look, do you want the cash or not?! ".
.
and my job in Alaska is great - making tons of money and friends.
" "So your dire predictions of misery and exploitation were, as always, dead wrong.
" Oh, he's a good boy.
They're all good kids.
Mrs Potts at the church says they're a godsend.
Whoah, whoah! Where are you off to? We told Mrs Potts we'd be back after lunch.
Charity's fun.
Thanks, Mom! Well, whaddaya know! Are we finally getting something right with them? .
.
.
.
with your children.
# HEROIC FILM SCORE And experience the just-washed freshness of new Persil.
.
.
This is ridiculous! The wolves had me tree-ed for half an hour.
I've just about- OW! YOU CAN'T TREAT US LIKE THIS! This is inhuman! We are citizens! This is America! Isn't it? I'm sorry, Francis.
It's all my fault.
Stop crying.
It's OK, man.
No, it isn't! God, you must hate me.
Come on! You're my friend.
I can't hate YOU! (HARMONICA PLAYS "STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT") Er, sorry.
Thought I's pickin' up the vibe.
Look, Lavernia may be evil, and she may be tough, but we can beat her.
How? Our lives our controlled by that ledger book.
Everything we do increases our debt.
This is what military school was for To wage war against all authority no matter what the odds.
She may be a manipulative monster, but Mom can't win every round.
Who? Lavernia! We gotta get her where she lives.
We gotta get that book! I HATE that book.
Know what book I hate? Valley of the Dolls.
What kind of ending was that? OK, Stevie wants Pam Grier memorabilia.
IF he can keep it here.
If he's got the money, the church doesn't care.
And the liquor store guy will take the breadmaker.
Hey, we're up to $159! What shall we buy? I say we buy a saddle.
Then they can't say no to the horse.
I don't WANT a horse! I say we vote.
Dewey? Can God see everything we do? What? Mrs Potts said God sees everything we do.
Yeah, Dewey.
God can magically see through roofs.
What are you worried about? We're not doing anything wrong.
Then how come we have money? Well, sometimes when you do good things, good things happen for you.
Satisfied? I mean, think of it this way, Dewey, people are still getting what they need.
OK, we DO have some money, but the church does, too, so no-one's getting hurt an- (NOISE OUTSIDE DOOR) This is bad.
Once we get the saddle, we should just quit.
We're not getting the saddle! This was ALL a mistake! I should've KNOWN something was wrong when YOU started making sense.
This is YOUR fault! You're supposed to keep us OUT of trouble! So YOU'RE going to hell! We're ALL going to hell! You guys seen the remote for What's going on? Dad, we've done something terrible.
It might be the worst thing we've ever done.
Just calm down.
Let's talk this through.
It can't be that bad.
You've been stealing money from the CHURCH! And maybe some merchandise.
You boys, you've been taking stereos, toys Is that cheese? Oh god ARGH! My god! Dewey, get a washcloth! Here you go, Dad.
Nice and even.
You stole AIR?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOYS? Do you EVER stop and think of the consequences of ANYTHING you do?! Do you realise the SHAME you'll bring on the family? DO YOU?! Forget THAT, what's MOM gonna say?! Right, we sneak this back into the church, and no-one will ever know.
The church left us alone with all that stuff.
It was entrapment! Reese, no more excuses! (ENGINE MAKES ODD NOISE) Oh, damn! IT'S GOD, HE FOUND US! It's not God, Dewey.
It's just my crappy car.
Although he COULD have helped out in my career a bit, thrown a promotion MY WAY once in a while.
Maybe it IS God! This is the street mum drives down, and she finishes work in TEN MINUTES! You, sir, a shirt? Three shirts.
Some pants? You'd be a 34 waist? Look, I don't want these! Why not, they're free! What's wrong with them? Nothing! Oh, look, just gimme five bucks! Alright.
What's going on? This guy's selling me all this for five bucks.
I'll give you five for that.
OK, gather round.
I've got a good-as-new stereo.
Who's next? I am.
This your stuff? I know how this must look, but I didn't steal any of these things.
My boys took 'em from a church.
Neither one of you nimrods leave until that grill is spotless.
And after that, get that jar of poison and bait the rat traps.
That doesn't make sense.
Why poison them if we have traps? Because I'll fire your ass! Perfect.
Nice job with the tape! Thanks.
Most people put the tape on too tight so you lose that nice clang.
Everyone hates her so much, they'll never pin it on us! God, look at this next to my name - emotionally dependent on pornography, loves nut clusters.
How does she know I love nut clusters?! Took the tape off the door.
You dragged me to Alaska.
Nnnrrrrrrgg! Aarrrnnnnng! (BOTH SOB) Listen, if you do hear from them, please call me.
(PHONE RINGS) Yes! Hal! You had me worried sick! The police said they released you three hours ago! By now you'll know everything.
The boys and I are gonna disappear.
Hal, where are you? I am not at liberty to reveal that.
"BUS NO.
23 FOR OMAHA NOW BOARDING.
" Hal, you're a middle-aged man, you CAN'T run away from home! I have a credit card that begs to differ! Hang up! She's tracin' it! DON'T YOU HANG UP THAT PHONE! Hal, you're not gonna do this.
You and the boys are gonna come home right now.
Why would I do that? Because you love me too much to run away.
That may may be true, Lois.
But maybe we'll just have a long distance relationship for a while.
Some of those can work.
Hal, have you even thought what you'd be like without me? Well, no.
.
Do you have any idea how much you'd miss me? Do you? Yes Yes.
I I have some idea.
Dad, you're folding! He's folding! I knew we should've paid that wino to make the call.
Er, honey? We're back.
Hey, guys.
Why don't you wash up, dinner's ready.
It's your favourite - meat loaf and mashed potatoes.
OK.
Great.
Why isn't she mad? What happened? Our stuff is gone! I gave it all to charity.
You've two changes of clothes - one for school, one for home.
Something wrong? No problem.
No, fine.
No, no.
More wine? Please.
So, how long is it gonna take us to work off all this stuff? Well, this should put us into the 23rd century.
Sesame cracker? Don't mind if I do.
I've been lying here thinking about God.
I don't know much, just that he's this all powerful, all knowing being.
Kinda like Mom, only invisible.
So I feel better on his good side.
And we probably all focus too much on material things.
What are you doing? Praying.
No you're NOT! He's got chocolate! GET HIM! (SCREAMS) Come on, give it! New Savlon Advanced Healing Gel .
.
creates optimal conditions to help speed up the healing .
.
of cuts and grazes from the moment it touches the skin.
Which could be a problem if your child likes .
.
showing off their wounds to impress their friends.