Mandy (2019) s03e05 Episode Script
Nandy
1
# Oh, Mandy
# Well, you came and
you gave without taking
# But I sent you away
# Oh, Mandy
# Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
# And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
Bad news, Mandy, that's the last of
the Minty Pig.
Can't you get some more?
I only ever have Minty Pig.
They don't make it any more.
It comes from Russia.
It's all part of the sanctions.
Damn you, Putin! Damn you to hell!
Also, they discovered it's got
asbestos in it.
I always wondered why I threw up if
I licked my fingers.
- What are you doing this evening, Mandy?
- Nothing much.
I'll probably just stay in and watch
some TV with my nan.
What? Your nan?
Yeah, she likes watching those old
films without any sex or violence
or a message or social justice in
them.
I don't mean to be rude, Mandy, but,
your grandmother is still alive?
Yeah, very much so.
- You never mentioned her before.
- Have I not?
- How old is she?
- 110.
110! You cannot be serious.
Why isn't it on Granada Reports?
We haven't got proof.
It needs to be independently verified
and her birth certificate was
destroyed in a fire.
- Where does she live?
- Well, this is the thing.
Her boyfriend threw her out so she's
living in my attic.
- How long's she been with you?
- Too long.
I need to talk to her about it
tonight, actually.
It's about time she moved out.
But why is she in the loft?
Nowhere else for her to go.
My small back bedroom's full of my
Danbury Mint collectables.
Can I come home with you and meet
her?
If you like.
Hey, Nan? We've got visitors.
[SHE FARTS]
Do you want a brew, Nan?
Aye, alreet.
[SHE FARTS]
You go through, Lola.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, go on, I'll do this.
I cannot wait to meet this lady.
Pleased to meet you.
- Who are you?
Oh, that's my friend, Lola, she
works at the local beauty salon.
She does me nails.
Can you do owt with these?
Um, yes, they just need a tiny trim
and a buff.
Mandy tells me you are 110 years old?
109 actually, but we'd need it
independently verified
if I'm to get on Granada Reports.
Yes, so I believe.
So, what is your secret to such a long
life?
Cod liver oil.
Oh, I must get some.
I do the odd marathon and all.
What? You run marathons?
Yeah, she's beaten her time every
year.
She's got another coming up, haven't
you, Nan?
Aye, yeah, in a month.
I'd better start training.
You haven't been training?
No, but it won't take me long to get
match fit.
No, once she gets started, she makes
Captain Tom look bone idle.
Don't they get someone royal to hand
out the medals?
Nan's anti-royal.
I wouldn't piss on that family if
they were on fire.
She won't even eat Duchy original
biscuits.
If someone gave me a Duchy biscuit,
I'd smash it into the carpet
then I'd spit on it.
Nazi bastards.
All right, Nan, don't go getting all
upset.
Now, Mandy, you know you haven't
given me any grandkids
Oh, not this again.
I've told you, Nan, I don't want kids.
Are your eggs rotten?
There's nothing wrong with my eggs!
Well, anyway,
I had my eggs frozen years ago.
I were one of the first to get it done
because I thought I might want more
kids in the future.
Oh, don't be ridiculous,
it'd be like trying to fertilise an
egg in a Hoover bag.
Then I thought about adopting.
Don't talk wet, they wouldn't let
you have a pug,
they're not going to let you have a
nipper.
Can you believe it?
If you want to adopt a baby, nobody
bats an eyelid.
If you want a pug, you've got to have
two gay lads come round
and check your fencing's secure.
Anyway, I got an email the other week,
saying
they'd successfully fertilised one of
my eggs.
You got an email? Is that how it
works?
Where did you go to do all this?
I went on the dark web.
- The dark web?!
- On me Tesco Mobile.
I've got unlimited data.
And I get Clubcard points.
Who's the father?
I don't know.
The fertility clinic's in Albania.
I think they just have big vats of
jizz from all over.
I did specify human sperm on the form.
At least I think I did.
Don't you think you're a bit old to
have a baby?
- It's my right to have a baby.
- Mm-hm.
I'll be the oldest mum in the
country.
Maybe then they'll have me on Granada
Reports.
That'll learn 'em.
Who will give birth to this child?
- A woman called Shed'evil
gave birth to it last week. - It?
They're delivering it to me tomorrow
between 3.23 and 4.23.
Who are?
DPD. I got a text.
Fuck me!
You can't live here with a baby,
there's no room.
I can't see why I can't live on a
barge, like Lovejoy.
We've been over this.
If I lived on a barge, I'd be happy
as a pig in shit.
I can't afford a barge, Nan!
Doesn't the newsagent have a barge
he is selling?
- Does he?
- I'm sure I saw an advert in his window
saying he's selling a boat or
something.
Oh, I'll go and see him.
Why's it so cheap?
I want to make some space so we can
use the peloton exercise bike.
Has it got any holes in it?
No, I don't think so.
- Have you ever been out in it?
- No.
How come you've got a boat but
you've never been out in it?
It was in the garage when we bought
the house.
Now we just use it to store toilet
rolls in.
What if I go out in it and discover
it's got a hole in it?
Fixing a hole in a boat is not
difficult.
Is it not?
Why do you want to buy a boat
anyway?
My nan wants to live on a barge but
I can't afford it.
Yeah, this would be perfect for you.
Right, yeah, I'll take it.
This ain't a barge!
It's better than a barge.
It's not even on a canal.
It's too pokey.
What do you think, Lola?
Well, why don't you put a big mirror
on that wall?
It'll really open the place up.
No! No, it's a no from me.
I'll just stay in your attic, Mandy,
until I find something better.
[PHONE ALERT]
It's three stops away.
Is it a boy or a girl?
They didn't say.
And you didn't think to ask?
Well, as long as it's healthy.
- Have you thought of any names?
- Yes.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
It's here!
Honestly, the amount of packaging you
get these days.
- Let's see.
- I am so excited.
- Oh, fuck me!
- What? What is it?
It's one of them ones that looks
like an old man.
No!
Every baby is beautiful in its own
way.
Let me see.
Oh! Jesus Christ! What is it?
What am I going to do with it?
I'll tell you what we're gonna do
with it.
We're going to throw it the best damn
baby shower you've ever seen.
Mandy is right.
So what if it looks like a goblin?
Hopefully it will grow into its face.
We need to teach this baby it can be
anything it wants to be.
Goblin or not.
Oh, he's crying.
He wants feeding.
Here, I'll do the honours.
Now don't bite.
Hey, Mandy, you couldn't babysit for
me tonight, could you?
You've only had it five minutes!
I know, but it's bingo tonight and
it's a super rollover.
Top prize is an air fryer.
An air fryer? What's the point of an
air fryer?
Who wants fried air?
Go on, love, it'll be a chance for
you to bond with it.
All right. I suppose so.
Right, come on.
Let's see what's on the tragic
lantern.
Maybe one day, we'll go on Gogglebox
together.
[LOW GROWLING]
Oh, you little shit!
[MENACING MUSIC]
Ah!
Ah!
Oh! Get off!
[MENACING MUSIC CONTINUES]
[GRUNTING]
Oh!
Ah!
Oh, oh!
[GROWLING]
Ah!
Ah!
Oh!
[MENACING MUSIC]
Ahhhh!
Oh, God, help!
Hey, Mandy, I'm back!
I won that air fryer!
Nan, get it off me!
He's trying to kill me!
Get off her, you little bastard!
[BABY GRUNTS AND GROWLS]
Bingo! Give it 20 minutes on full
power.
Nan, you should never buy anything
on the dark web.
Told you the air frier would come in
handy.
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah,
yeah, yeah
# Hey, little devil
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah,
yeah
# Hey, little devil
# Hey, little devil, you're always
runnin' around
# Hey, little devil
# It's time that someone started
taming you down
# Hey, little devil
- # There'll be
- There'll be
# Some changes made, your roving
days are through#
# Oh, Mandy
# Well, you came and
you gave without taking
# But I sent you away
# Oh, Mandy
# Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
# And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
Bad news, Mandy, that's the last of
the Minty Pig.
Can't you get some more?
I only ever have Minty Pig.
They don't make it any more.
It comes from Russia.
It's all part of the sanctions.
Damn you, Putin! Damn you to hell!
Also, they discovered it's got
asbestos in it.
I always wondered why I threw up if
I licked my fingers.
- What are you doing this evening, Mandy?
- Nothing much.
I'll probably just stay in and watch
some TV with my nan.
What? Your nan?
Yeah, she likes watching those old
films without any sex or violence
or a message or social justice in
them.
I don't mean to be rude, Mandy, but,
your grandmother is still alive?
Yeah, very much so.
- You never mentioned her before.
- Have I not?
- How old is she?
- 110.
110! You cannot be serious.
Why isn't it on Granada Reports?
We haven't got proof.
It needs to be independently verified
and her birth certificate was
destroyed in a fire.
- Where does she live?
- Well, this is the thing.
Her boyfriend threw her out so she's
living in my attic.
- How long's she been with you?
- Too long.
I need to talk to her about it
tonight, actually.
It's about time she moved out.
But why is she in the loft?
Nowhere else for her to go.
My small back bedroom's full of my
Danbury Mint collectables.
Can I come home with you and meet
her?
If you like.
Hey, Nan? We've got visitors.
[SHE FARTS]
Do you want a brew, Nan?
Aye, alreet.
[SHE FARTS]
You go through, Lola.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, go on, I'll do this.
I cannot wait to meet this lady.
Pleased to meet you.
- Who are you?
Oh, that's my friend, Lola, she
works at the local beauty salon.
She does me nails.
Can you do owt with these?
Um, yes, they just need a tiny trim
and a buff.
Mandy tells me you are 110 years old?
109 actually, but we'd need it
independently verified
if I'm to get on Granada Reports.
Yes, so I believe.
So, what is your secret to such a long
life?
Cod liver oil.
Oh, I must get some.
I do the odd marathon and all.
What? You run marathons?
Yeah, she's beaten her time every
year.
She's got another coming up, haven't
you, Nan?
Aye, yeah, in a month.
I'd better start training.
You haven't been training?
No, but it won't take me long to get
match fit.
No, once she gets started, she makes
Captain Tom look bone idle.
Don't they get someone royal to hand
out the medals?
Nan's anti-royal.
I wouldn't piss on that family if
they were on fire.
She won't even eat Duchy original
biscuits.
If someone gave me a Duchy biscuit,
I'd smash it into the carpet
then I'd spit on it.
Nazi bastards.
All right, Nan, don't go getting all
upset.
Now, Mandy, you know you haven't
given me any grandkids
Oh, not this again.
I've told you, Nan, I don't want kids.
Are your eggs rotten?
There's nothing wrong with my eggs!
Well, anyway,
I had my eggs frozen years ago.
I were one of the first to get it done
because I thought I might want more
kids in the future.
Oh, don't be ridiculous,
it'd be like trying to fertilise an
egg in a Hoover bag.
Then I thought about adopting.
Don't talk wet, they wouldn't let
you have a pug,
they're not going to let you have a
nipper.
Can you believe it?
If you want to adopt a baby, nobody
bats an eyelid.
If you want a pug, you've got to have
two gay lads come round
and check your fencing's secure.
Anyway, I got an email the other week,
saying
they'd successfully fertilised one of
my eggs.
You got an email? Is that how it
works?
Where did you go to do all this?
I went on the dark web.
- The dark web?!
- On me Tesco Mobile.
I've got unlimited data.
And I get Clubcard points.
Who's the father?
I don't know.
The fertility clinic's in Albania.
I think they just have big vats of
jizz from all over.
I did specify human sperm on the form.
At least I think I did.
Don't you think you're a bit old to
have a baby?
- It's my right to have a baby.
- Mm-hm.
I'll be the oldest mum in the
country.
Maybe then they'll have me on Granada
Reports.
That'll learn 'em.
Who will give birth to this child?
- A woman called Shed'evil
gave birth to it last week. - It?
They're delivering it to me tomorrow
between 3.23 and 4.23.
Who are?
DPD. I got a text.
Fuck me!
You can't live here with a baby,
there's no room.
I can't see why I can't live on a
barge, like Lovejoy.
We've been over this.
If I lived on a barge, I'd be happy
as a pig in shit.
I can't afford a barge, Nan!
Doesn't the newsagent have a barge
he is selling?
- Does he?
- I'm sure I saw an advert in his window
saying he's selling a boat or
something.
Oh, I'll go and see him.
Why's it so cheap?
I want to make some space so we can
use the peloton exercise bike.
Has it got any holes in it?
No, I don't think so.
- Have you ever been out in it?
- No.
How come you've got a boat but
you've never been out in it?
It was in the garage when we bought
the house.
Now we just use it to store toilet
rolls in.
What if I go out in it and discover
it's got a hole in it?
Fixing a hole in a boat is not
difficult.
Is it not?
Why do you want to buy a boat
anyway?
My nan wants to live on a barge but
I can't afford it.
Yeah, this would be perfect for you.
Right, yeah, I'll take it.
This ain't a barge!
It's better than a barge.
It's not even on a canal.
It's too pokey.
What do you think, Lola?
Well, why don't you put a big mirror
on that wall?
It'll really open the place up.
No! No, it's a no from me.
I'll just stay in your attic, Mandy,
until I find something better.
[PHONE ALERT]
It's three stops away.
Is it a boy or a girl?
They didn't say.
And you didn't think to ask?
Well, as long as it's healthy.
- Have you thought of any names?
- Yes.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
It's here!
Honestly, the amount of packaging you
get these days.
- Let's see.
- I am so excited.
- Oh, fuck me!
- What? What is it?
It's one of them ones that looks
like an old man.
No!
Every baby is beautiful in its own
way.
Let me see.
Oh! Jesus Christ! What is it?
What am I going to do with it?
I'll tell you what we're gonna do
with it.
We're going to throw it the best damn
baby shower you've ever seen.
Mandy is right.
So what if it looks like a goblin?
Hopefully it will grow into its face.
We need to teach this baby it can be
anything it wants to be.
Goblin or not.
Oh, he's crying.
He wants feeding.
Here, I'll do the honours.
Now don't bite.
Hey, Mandy, you couldn't babysit for
me tonight, could you?
You've only had it five minutes!
I know, but it's bingo tonight and
it's a super rollover.
Top prize is an air fryer.
An air fryer? What's the point of an
air fryer?
Who wants fried air?
Go on, love, it'll be a chance for
you to bond with it.
All right. I suppose so.
Right, come on.
Let's see what's on the tragic
lantern.
Maybe one day, we'll go on Gogglebox
together.
[LOW GROWLING]
Oh, you little shit!
[MENACING MUSIC]
Ah!
Ah!
Oh! Get off!
[MENACING MUSIC CONTINUES]
[GRUNTING]
Oh!
Ah!
Oh, oh!
[GROWLING]
Ah!
Ah!
Oh!
[MENACING MUSIC]
Ahhhh!
Oh, God, help!
Hey, Mandy, I'm back!
I won that air fryer!
Nan, get it off me!
He's trying to kill me!
Get off her, you little bastard!
[BABY GRUNTS AND GROWLS]
Bingo! Give it 20 minutes on full
power.
Nan, you should never buy anything
on the dark web.
Told you the air frier would come in
handy.
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah,
yeah, yeah
# Hey, little devil
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah,
yeah
# Hey, little devil
# Hey, little devil, you're always
runnin' around
# Hey, little devil
# It's time that someone started
taming you down
# Hey, little devil
- # There'll be
- There'll be
# Some changes made, your roving
days are through#