M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e05 Episode Script

[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all surgical personnel report to operating room.
Incoming casualties arriving by chopper, ambulance and jeep.
It's gonna be a big one, folks.
[Woman.]
How do I know you mean it? I haven't been in love in two or three days.
Right after this shift, huh? I know a tent with a gypsy violinist and a fortune-teller who reads army boots.
- I've got nothing to wear.
- Now I know I'm in love.
We got customers.
You didn't get home last night.
Where were you? There's ten bucks for anyone who can tell me.
You certainly were feeling no pain at the club.
Why? Just because he tried to eat the cherries out of a slot machine? I didn't.
Embarrassing.
Not at all.
At closing time, you slipped a nurse over your shoulders - and left like a perfect gentleman.
- Terrific.
[Man.]
I just want you to You got this, Radar? I don't wanna run out of anything.
Pierce, Mclntyre.
- I checked Supply, sir.
It's gonna be a big one.
- It's gonna be a big one.
- They're sending extra blankets.
- We need extra blankets.
- I've cleared the roads for the ambulances.
locals off the roads.
- We don't wanna block the ambulances.
- I'll get on this.
Let's get on this right away.
Looks like this kid was playing beanbag with a hand grenade.
- Gimme a ten blade.
- Number ten blade.
Got a repeater here.
These look like your stitches, Hawk.
If they look like stitches, he isn't mine.
Pierce, you need a modesty transplant.
- Clamp.
- Clamp.
- [Clamp Clatters To Floor.]
- Got enough thumbs over there, Colonel? Send a case of thumbs to that table with my compliments.
I don't happen to think that's funny, Captain.
How'd you like to step outside, lady? - May I have your attention, please? - Stop bleeding for a minute.
My personal tortoise-shell scrub brush given to me by my lovely mother with my initials in gold leaf, is missing out of the scrub room again! Did you look in your last patient, Frank? That's how most of your stuff leaves here.
Oh, very comical.
If I had a sleeve, I'd laugh up it.
- Colonel, Major Burns is being abused again.
- Cut that out, Frank.
- How many wounded we got out there, Frank? - Thirty, forty.
More comin'.
Come on, Ginger.
Move it, honey.
Checkout time is 3:00.
[Radar.]
Easy.
- What do we have here? - Ethiopian soldier.
Boy, did he take a wrong turn.
[Hawkeye.]
Multiple fragment wounds.
Okay.
Margaret, you're fantastic.
Fits me like a glove.
Looks like a long session, sir.
Would you like to have the sound from the movie piped in? That's good thinking.
Klinger, take that dress off at once! Not in front ofTrapper.
He's a married man.
You're gonna be fine, fella.
[Speaking In Native Language.]
That's easy for you to say.
Uh, here's some coffee, Hawkeye.
And your razor.
Uh, we used all the hot water on the instruments.
Radar, when this is all over the two things I'm gonna miss the most are you and dysentery.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Anything else you want me to get you while I'm on the get? Bring me a Maine lobster, about a three-pounder some drawn butter, bedspring French fries and a liter of the house white wine.
Make sure you don't bring it from the lab.
Will that be all? Yeah, that should about do it.
Send the bill to MacArthur.
He can deduct it as an entertainment expense.
Yeah, okay, well, I gotta get goin'.
Uh, some, uh, personnel is donating blood - and I promised the donors doughnuts.
- Run along, Andy.
How we doing, Chief? So far, two thoracotomies, a bowel resection - a splenectomy - And a partridge in a pear tree.
I must have used a half a mile of silk in there.
Hey, I don't want to be a back-seat doctor but you know you dropped your hardware three times? What, are you keeping score, hotshot? - Doctor.
Doctor.
- Uh, the Ethiopian, sir.
He wants to say something to the doctor.
[Speaking In Native Language.]
[Klinger.]
I think he's thanking you.
Well, that's Haile Selassie of you, sir.
Keep him warm.
That's got to be the nicest fee I ever got.
- How long have you had this? - Had what? I just get cramps, in there.
Don't you ever? Oh, are you kidding? I'm the cramp champ.
I'm the camp cramp champ.
- I can tell the onset of arthritis.
- Arthritis? Yeah, you remember, from medical school? "Arthritis.
" Came after "acne.
" Right before "arrangements for time payments.
" It's just fatigue.
It comes and goes.
Henry, this could be your ticket home.
I'll sign the diagnosis, we'll stick it in your belly button, and you're off.
Pierce, I'll level with you.
I've got a great practice back home.
They all come to see me.
I'll bet there's no one in Bloomington, Illinois, that I haven't seen naked.
But, uh, it's routine.
- Cookbook medicine? - Yeah.
Yep, but this place this place, which has all the attraction of a lanced boil has given me the opportunity to do more doctoring than I can do in a lifetime back in the world.
Wars don't last forever, Henry, only war does.
One day you're gonna have to go back home and die in your bed in Bloomington.
I've done that several times.
One extra brandy at the club, and I have to leave an I.
O.
U.
On my wife's pillow.
[Man.]
I must say, senora, that's the best meal I've ever eaten.
[Woman.]
It is the least I can give you for an afternoon of great emotion.
You followed your star yesterday.
You were inspired.
[Man.]
Hmm.
Who wouldn't be inspired? - I'd seen you.
I wasn't bad, was I? - What is that? Blood and Sand.
Tyrone Power, Rita Hayworth.
[Hawkeye.]
The Frank and Hot Lips of old Seville.
[Trapper.]
Father, over here.
You got the I.
V.
? - Yes, Trapper? - He wants to write a letter before we put him under.
- Go ahead, son.
- Are you a priest? - Very much so.
- That cross doesn't mean there's a railroad ahead.
It's to my wife, Mary Ellen.
Okay? You're the only one I ever loved, honey.
That girl in Tokyo didn't mean a thing to me.
It was just one of those things.
Go ahead.
Same goes for that girl in Okinawa.
And those two in Honolulu.
When did you find time to get wounded? Bye-bye.
Don't send it, Father.
He's gonna pull through.
- Unless his wife gets that letter.
- Right.
Can we turn that hogwash off? Yes, sir.
- Uh, Colonel? - Yo.
The cook says since everyone's gonna be in here tonight should he make cold food instead of hot? - His hot food is usually cold enough for me.
- Hot food, cold food, movies.
- Retractor.
- Retractor.
So unprofessional in here.
I protest all these distractions! Hear, hear! Mostly I protest the wearing of falsies in the O.
R.
I wish you'd cut it out, Frank.
You're driving me crazy.
- Don't let him razz you, Frank.
- Oh, shut up.
- Frank! - It's not an easy job, taking out a man's kidney.
Trap.
Put a pressure dressing on this, babe.
Do we got X rays on this? Let's see the kidney, Frank.
This kidney's none of your business.
I don't come to your table and mess with your organs.
Frank, look at the X ray.
This guy's only got one.
[Chuckles.]
One kidney? I Well, he was so messed up.
We were in such a hurry.
Nobody told me they took X rays.
- I could've killed him.
- Thank you, Doctor.
Just happened to be in the neighborhood.
Whattaya mean, "No pulse"? [Female Anesthetist.]
What I said, Doctor.
No pulse.
How did that happen? He was doing so well.
- What's wrong? - Get me a heart needle and some Adrenalin! Come on.
Come on! - No dice.
- Adrenalin, Doctor.
- Are you ventilating him okay? - Yes, Doctor.
Still no pulse.
You're losing him.
The hell I am.
I'm not gonna let somebody screw up my batting average.
Give me a scalpel.
Stand by with a rib spreader.
- What are you doing? - I'm gonna try some open-heart massage.
- We've never done that! - Neither has he.
Rib spreader! - Rib spreader.
- Get them apart for me.
Pierce, you are one cool cucumber.
Here we go.
[Henry.]
Clamp.
Sponge.
Clamp.
Sponge.
Come on, honey.
Move it.
I'm getting something.
Sixty over forty.
Come on.
You can do better than that.
I'm getting a pulse.
It's stronger.
- It's beating on its own.
- Ninety-two over sixty.
- Bingo! - You did it! That's my bunkie.
Taught him everything he knows.
I'll finish for you, Pierce.
Okay.
Thanks, Henry.
Thanks, everybody.
[Henry.]
That was the most fantastic thing I ever saw.
Clamp.
- Henry, I gotta talk to you later.
- Anytime.
If I'm gonna do this kinda work, I gotta get more money.
[Explosion.]
[Explosion.]
- That's a little closer than I like it.
- [Metal Clatters In Pan.]
I hope we're givin' it to 'em good, those little yellow Reds.
Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.
Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr.
Goody Two-Shoes? I just don't know why they're shooting at us.
All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread transplant the American dream: Freedom, achievement, hyperacidity affluence, flatulence, technology, tension the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.
That's entertainment.
Pierce, you are certifiably insane.
Gee, I can't understand why.
Here I am, 20,000 miles from home, working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot.
Nurse, you wanna do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission? - Right away, Doctor.
- That's not insane-making, Frank.
Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for kamikaze pilots.
Or getting so bored out of my skull I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine.
Will you watch your language? There are nurses present.
Oh, forgive me.
I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology.
Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.
- Smut merchant.
- Oh, pipe down, Burns.
Oh, sure! Always! You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it! - Colonel's pet, that's what you are! - I'll get you at recess! Colonel, did you see that? Do you mind, Major? I'm trying to sew my glove into this patient.
Close for me.
I'm going to take five.
- [Henry.]
Make it ten.
- Years.
And take Mclntyre with you.
Klinger! - Sir? - Let him sleep outside.
We can use the table.
Which one of you's gonna tell him he's not the champ anymore? You're a pistol.
We need some more sponges here, Margaret.
- We're running low! - [Henry.]
My mother's name was Margaret.
That's funny.
It was my father's.
Orange juice, anyone? Freshly "squozen.
" - Thanks, Radar.
- Klinger, get over to the mess tent.
All the guys are givin' blood.
[Imitating Bela Lugosi.]
Blood! I must give blood, or die! [Sighs.]
Mclntyre I want to thank you for helping out on that kidney.
Anyone for orange juice? Over here, boy.
TheJournal up yet? Huh? Just pour that in any part of me.
- Uh, juice, sir? - [Metal Clatters In Pan.]
Just a minute, Radar.
- Wow.
- See what happens when you play with guns? You okay? You look beat, sir.
I feel like death on a soda cracker.
How are we doing? Well, we're running out of gowns, towels and 3-0 silk.
Only thing we got plenty of is wounded.
Scrounge, Radar, scrounge.
and what I don't understand is why do people take an instant dislike to me? It saves time, Frank.
Well, we got along fine, for the first two weeks.
Exactly, Frank, and that time was absolutely wasted.
But, deep down, there's no real hatred, is there? Deep down? No.
It's just that you're a joyless person, Frank.
You're D-U-L.
I'm from a very strict family.
We weren't allowed to talk at meals.
We couldn't even hum.
Anybody who hummed got a punch in the throat.
- That's terrible.
- I think that's why I became a snitch.
So I could talk to somebody.
You were a snitch, Frank? I'd squeal on anybody.
Once, in school, I caught my best friend smoking.
I didn't report him.
Later I snitched on myself for not snitching.
Gimme a break, Frank.
I'm very tired.
I'm hearing you through the wrong end of the binoculars.
All I'm asking is for you and Pierce to let up razzing me.
- Okay, Frank.
- Friends? Friends, Frank.
No more hostility.
No more hatred.
Friends.
Now, shut up, Frank, or I'll kill ya.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Over 3,000 tons of scrap paper fell on General MacArthur in his homecoming parade in New York City.
I hope some of it was in bundles.
[Margaret.]
Just like you to malign one of the top ten generals in American history.
Margaret, the man was starting up with Red China.
You've got a point there, Hawk.
I suppose you could run the war better than a five-star general? The Daily News only gave him four.
[Explosion.]
What do we got here that we could do without? [Radar.]
Business girl.
She got caught in some cross fire.
Nurse told me she found $20,000 on her.
[Hawkeye.]
I think I'm in the wrong business.
- Clamp.
- Hi, Henry.
- Hello, Sidney.
- When are you guys going to be through? - Hold it.
- Yes, sir? Rad We need more silk, Radar.
- We're all out, sir.
- All right.
In my tent, under my bed, next to the milk bottle there's a package of sewing thread.
- Lorraine sent it to me.
Go.
- Yes, sir.
[Margaret.]
Colonel, ordinary thread for stitches? It's either that or use the stapler in my office, Major.
I gather our poker game is off.
Major Freedman.
The psychiatrist.
Remember me, sir? Corporal Klinger? Remember you? I had to buy an extra cabinet for your file.
How 'bout it, sir? Any chance for a psycho? Klinger, there's 17 other guys wearing dresses ahead of you.
And some smart stuff.
No, wait.
Something new.
I'm beginning to wet the bed.
Anything? - Get yourself a pair of rubber bloomers.
- Corporal? - Clean towels.
- Yes, ma'am.
Well, I'll see you guys next week, then.
- Ho, Sidney.
Where you running? - Scrub up.
You kidding? I haven't washed my hands since I became a psychiatrist.
Only his mind gets dirty.
Margaret, scrub Dr.
Freedman for surgery.
Medical school was a long time ago.
Last surgery I did was a boil on my kid's toches.
This way, sir.
Psychiatrist! Hmph! I have a few ideas on that subject.
Keep talking, Frank.
I could use the sleep.
Sex! Sex! Sex! #The boys are marching ## That's all they think about.
I happen to believe there's more than just sex between a man and a woman.
Right.
There's smoking in the dark afterwards.
- Here's the thread, sir.
- Good.
- Goman, get it sterilized.
- Yes, Doctor.
Radar, check on the generator.
We need more juice in here.
You all right? You look pale.
- I gave blood twice today, sir.
- You're not supposed to do that.
I fell asleep in the mess tent, and two guys siphoned me.
Simmons, close here.
I gotta take a shower.
- Father, what is it? - Oh, these things happen.
He fell off his high heels.
- Thanks, Father.
- I'll look after the towels.
Fourteen ninety-five.
- All come back to you, Sidney? - I just hope it doesn't all come up on me.
Get that, will you, Ginger? Sorry, Doctor.
Welcome to the club.
It stains right, through.
I never wear underwear.
That's more than I need to know.
That's better.
You may think I'm kidding, Sidney but if you ever want to stop being a doctor, you could become a doctor.
[Trapper.]
This one's ready for post-op.
- Hawkeye? - Not now, Radar.
I'm teaching this new man here malpractice.
Sir, I just had a talk with a nurse.
I hope you straightened her out.
You remember that open-heart massage patient before? Yeah? She told me to tell you that, uh, he didn't make it.
A few minutes ago.
Sorry, sir.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn it.
I've got some bleeding here.
Should I clamp it? [Sighs.]
I thought I got to him in time.
- [Trapper.]
Clamp it.
- Thanks.
Hawk he was gone once.
You bought him four hours he never would have had.
I've read all the procedures.
It's worked.
Maybe I should have stayed with him in post-op.
We needed you here.
You want to get back in the game? I'm not ready to solo yet.
Tsk.
I really thought I'd pulled it off.
Some patients insist on dying, Hawk.
You knew that going in, but you had to be a doctor.
I never had any choice.
It's all I ever cared about.
It's all I ever wanted to do.
Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.
You haven't got the legs for it.
Let me finish this myself, will you, Sidney? Good idea.
Occupational therapy.
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
See you Thursday.
- Pierce, I need you.
- Two seconds.
One would be better.
Irrigate that area for me.
I'll be right back.
- What is it, Henry? - Look at this.
- Oh, God.
- It's at least eight hours' work.
His liver's gone.
There's a dozen kids outside that can be saved.
He'll take two surgeons and who knows how many units of blood.
And what's worse, he'll never make it! And meanwhile, we may lose some of the others.
Pierce, I have a lot of trouble with this kind of decision.
Henry, he never should have been brought in here in the first place.
Orderly, help me with this man, please! - I smell something burning.
- We got hamburgers! - And coffee! - [Hawkeye.]
Over here, miss.
- Ma'am.
- [Klinger.]
Pardon me, Father.
- [Radar.]
Father? - You want coffee? I don't care what anyone says.
Something's burning.
Fire! - [Shouting, Screaming.]
- Get the oxygen out of here! - Ingmar, get this guy over here! - [Shouting.]
- The wiring's overloaded! - [All Shouting.]
[Shouting Continues.]
Cover 'em up! Get outta here! Let us out! Gimme another one of these! Get that one out first! [Shouting Continues.]
Hold it! Hold it.
I got it.
Great thinking, Trap.
- You could have blown us up! - How did you know that wasn't alcohol? Hey, look, I'm sorry! Maybe you'd like the fire back! - I was merely pointing out - You could have blown us up! Wait a minute.
Come on, folks.
The war, remember? Of course.
It was in all the papers for a while.
- [Radar.]
Who wanted mustard? - Get this man back here.
[Hawkeye.]
Okay, everybody.
- [Trapper Shouts, Indistinct.]
- [Margaret.]
Get over here.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, attention.
All personnel may stand down.
Armed Forces Radio reports that General Mark W.
Clark has just been appointed commander of the U.
N.
Forces in Korea.
General Clark succeeds General Ridgway who succeeded General MacArthur.
And that's the news, generally speaking.
No one's succeeding us at all.