Moone Boy (2012) s03e05 Episode Script

1 They say an army marches on its stomach, and with the whole Moone and Dolan clan back under one roof, it was left to Liam and Debra to fill the bellies of their brimming battalion like a jolly big bursting colostomy bag.
This breakfast is in real danger of turning into a brunch, Dad.
You'd think we had no better options.
We should just invest in a trough and be done with it.
Or build a stable in the garden and take turns throwing them pigs' guts.
C'mon folks, less banter, more bacon.
Maybe we should put on our dinner jackets.
There's my no tip.
Martin had the joy of rooming with both Sinead and Trisha since the Dolans returned.
Although the sisterly space became a little tense when their special lady seasons synced.
What are you looking at? Nothing.
You look normal.
You're putting too much on.
You look like a spotty ghost.
How else am I supposed to cover them up? Big paper bag over your head? Do you want to die, boy? Well, get out, then.
Aw, balls! Fourth in the queue.
Lucky I just peed a bit in terror.
I think queuing for the toilet makes the house feel like a rock concert.
Like we're at Glaston-Boyle! This is ridiculous.
We were supposed to be out of here months ago.
I don't want to live in a house where you need a wrist-band to use the toilet.
I know.
I just need my one million-dollar idea to take off.
Yeah, but while we're waiting for Potato Patch Dolls to catch on Any minute! .
.
can't you just get some more shifts playing music at the hospital? I've asked, but of course everyone started pointing fingers at muggins here when the patient suicide rate went up.
Look, don't worry, pet, I'll think of something.
I promise.
Right after I have a nice quick bath.
Oh, for! Lads, I'd leave it.
Couple of weeks at least.
See how things look in the new year.
That is classic Moone-Stock, baby! Oh! Dessie, did you have two baths again? Restrain your bowels, my love - I've got huge news! When I was in the tub there, waiting for my second bath to fill, a vision came to me.
And it's a vision that's gonna make us rich! I'm listening.
Everyone these days is talking computers, computers, computers.
It's all I hear.
I read an article in the Sacred Heart about them putting the Bible on a computer and people reading it wherever they were in the world.
And it got me to thinking, this little planet of ours is becoming social and I wanna get in there before the bubble bursts.
I want to be part of a network that weaves together great ideas into a kind of Boyle Wide Web! What are you talkin' about, Dessie? Isn't it obvious? I'm going to open a Catholic bookshop! Oh, balls.
That's even better than what I was thinking.
They're never going to move out.
How quick do you think we could build that stable in the garden? He's like JR Ewing, this fella.
Why are you even here? Liam makes a mighty brunch.
By the way, I'm lovin' the sexy ghost look.
Ha! Ow! I think I'll go eat in the hall.
Hello, is that the bank? 'Might be.
' Do you have such a thing as a manager? 'Might do.
' This gig is getting all a bit moshpit-y for my liking, buddy.
We need to get our own space, away from those menstruating maniacs.
I'd love to, Sean, but relocating is really stressful.
Mmm.
Arrghh! Me legs! Arrghh! Me head! Arrghh! Me eyes! Hey! What about up there? That's a nice comfy-looking ceiling, all right.
If only we could defeat our old nemesis, gravity.
No, no, I meant the attic, Martin.
Oh, right.
On a mission for planning permission, Liam went to do battle with Boyle's most stringent building supervisor.
Ah! It's yourself, Liam.
Well, now.
You look far too stressed for one so handsome.
How are ye, Gerry? Actually, I'm here on a bit of a business matter.
Oh, right.
Let me retrieve that embrace I forced upon you.
Gone! I was looking for some advice on planning permission, Gerry.
Ask away.
We're looking to build an outhouse for some errant offspring.
Kind of a get-out-of-our-house house.
Well, what I wouldn't give for an overloaded dwelling, Liam.
It's an empty old home with the wife away.
Geraldine gone again, Ger? Another business trip with her boss.
That's nice.
Where to this time? Paris, I think she said.
Paris? What does she do again? She's the secretary down at the dump.
Right.
Just her and her boss, is it? That's right.
But it's hard, Liam.
Sure, they only got back from the Alps last Tuesday and they're off to the Caribbean for Christmas.
Work is work, but it puts an awful strain on things.
Y'know, all the travel affects the old intimacy.
Sex.
Yes.
Got that, Ger.
She can barely look at me when she gets home, Liam.
The work has her so Shagged out, probably.
Nail on the head.
You know, it might be worth talkin' to someone about that, Ger.
And with Debra doing the counselling thing That's right.
I thought I saw one of her fliers in the phone box.
Maybe you could talk to her? Hold on a second there now, Liam.
Hold on a second there now, Liam.
Are you trying to bribe me for planning with your wife's services? That seems fair, actually.
Cup of tea and a bun? Yep.
Did I say bun? I meant peach schnapps.
Hey, Sean, are you sure no non-living lodgers live up here? What, in the haunted attic? Surely not.
It's me! You're the one imagining me, ya big eejit! Hey, beard-face! Oh! You scared the logic right outta me! Hey, not too shabby.
I think we've found our new home, Sean Murphy.
Yeah.
Oh And your old bed-wetting sheet.
Pretty gross.
Well I think it's a brilliant idea.
Books are all the rage.
It would actually be criminal of me NOT to give you a loan.
Well, that is music to my musical ears.
You'll be the first man to get a special deal on a new bible when we're up and running.
No, no, no, no, no.
Sure, I'm Jewish.
Oh.
Oh, well, Jesus was Jewish.
We all make mistakes.
You got that right.
Now, loan-wise, what are we talking here? Well, I've done some homework, and taking rent, inventory and outventory into account Don't drown me with detail.
I thought this figure would see us through our first three months.
Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy.
This figure seems more realistic.
That's twice the number I was asking for.
It's the '90s, Des.
There's plenty more where that came from.
It's just I don't know how I'll pay that amount back, Mr Leech.
# Double and deal It's a steal # Double and deal Keepin' it real # The interest rate is pretty high # Double and deal Double and deal # I'm worried 'bout my coffers dry # But my empty palms just make me cry # Double and deal Double and deal You have yourself a deal, Mr Leech! And that's how Ireland did banking in the '90s.
How are ye, lads? We're looking for something nice and spacious, but we don't want to take up too much of the garden.
Yeah, and we'd like it to flow.
You know? A kinda modern flow.
Flow, right.
Gotcha.
OK.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Right, it's a south-facing aspect.
So And then there's Ah, right.
That's good.
Um is that it? That's the overhead view.
Ah, OK! So what's the side view like? Side view.
Side view, side view.
I just think the whole flow This is the real one.
I see where you're going.
Um is there not going to be a window? Oh, do you want a window? Ooh-la-la! You do know we're not building a prison cell here, lads, right? Ah, yeah.
Sure, if it was a cell, there'd be a little toilet here.
Actually, that's good.
Maybe we should have a toilet there.
Poo-la-la! This is amazing, buddy.
An actual place of our own.
It's even got that new room smell.
Oh, God! Yeah, I'm hoping that'll go away.
Shame we couldn't get the old bed up here, but this asbestos stuff is working nicely.
Oh, yeah - asbestos is the bestos.
I feel cosy all the way into my little lungs.
Oh, balls.
Morning, downstairs people.
How's life in the servants' quarters? This is still a bungalow, Martin - even if you've moved into the roof.
I believe everyone's calling it Martin's Penthouse.
Trisha, this says your mock leaving cert exams start in three weeks.
Are you all set for them? Er yeah, all set.
I mean, it's all about timing.
At this stage, I don't want to be over-prepared, you know.
Well, it's been a hectic year.
With the bloody baby and everything.
Worse case scenario, I suppose you could just repeat your exams and go to college the following year.
So she WON'T be moving out?! Does it happen to say on there what my subjects are? Well, I'm heading back to Martin's Penthouse.
I'm gonna spruce it up a bit.
Could incorporate the en-suite a little better.
What do you mean "en-suite"? Well the water tank.
Does this tea taste a little wee-y to you? No.
But it smells like sh So this is our site? That's right, my love.
This is where we're finally gonna put Catholicism on the map.
Wonder what went wrong for the last guys? Who knows? A Valentine's Day themed shop.
Wish I'd thought of that.
Dessie? Ah, here's our new landlords now.
Folks, this is my wife, Fidelma.
Namaste.
I'm Chandrashekhar.
Oh, that's a lovely name.
Does it mean something? It means, "He who like Lord Shiva holds the moon in his hair.
" Everyone just calls him Shandy.
Ah, we're all partial to a few of those.
Actually we've been meaning to talk to you about the nature of your shop.
Would it be possible to display a few Hindu statues on the premises? It will bring good luck to the building.
Oh.
Er The previous tenants were happy to do it.
Right.
Didn't seem to bring them much luck, though.
Well, it's your choice.
We can always discuss it again in two months, when the lease is up.
No, no.
That sounds like a brilliant idea! We could do with all the luck we can get.
Right, Dessie? Sure, why not? Done.
Buddha bing, Buddha boom! As you'd say.
If you were Buddhist.
And Italian.
Now, I'm no expert, lads, but it seems fairly shallow for a foundation, is all.
Sure, it's just four wee walls, Liam.
There's very little weight to support.
I suppose.
And the roof, of course.
So you want a roof, do you? Ooh-la-la! Yeah, let's throw a roof on her - for the craic.
Thanks, lads.
What's the point of drawing up detailed plans if we don't stick to them? It's turning into Buckingham feckin' Palace! I'm sure she would have come, Debra, but she has a business lunch.
She's probably halfway through a magnum of champagne by now.
Yeah.
So you brought your boys instead? I did, yeah.
For moral support.
They're my rocks.
Aren't you, lads? OK, well, I've never really done a single-spouse session before.
This is usually the bit where I ask the wife what she thinks is wrong.
Right.
Well, I can probably answer that one for you, Deb.
She's just not attracted to me any more.
Physically.
Probably because I'm going bald.
But you're not going bald, Gerry.
Oh, indeed I am, Debra.
Sure, look at me - I'm practically a feckin' cue ball.
I really don't think you are.
He's a big fat baldy baby.
That's Geraldine's pet name for me.
Can I ask you, Gerry, have you ever thought of leading your marriage in another direction? I have, Debra, I have, but being a Catholic, sure, I can't go near the old D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
They're 13, Gerry.
I'm sure they can spell that word.
No.
No.
I think they use their stupidity as a coping mechanism.
Well, they're not alone there.
They're not even switched on.
Meanwhile, Martin was immersing himself in the world of home improvement, learning from the very best in the Wild West.
Where'd you get the sand, Frank? For the first time ever, even Dessie was getting his hands dirty.
And fearing another year at home, Trisha was hard at work too, but was finding living on a building site to be a little distracting.
I have a book at home.
Ooh-la-la! It's Trisha.
Your granddaughter.
Who's he? Uptown, Dessie got acquainted with the new owner of Boyle Bank.
Peace be upon you, Des.
A pleasure to meet a local entrepreneur.
Oh.
Go raibh maith agat, Gundeep.
I must say, I'm so excited by your new shop.
Finally, there'll be some decent Sikh literature available in the west of Ireland.
Yeah.
What? Have you thought about opening a clothes section? I'm so sick of buying my turbans in Dunnes Stores.
One, two, three Oh.
And so, like Archimedes, Dessie Dolan here had his eureka moment in the bath.
Except his vision wasn't something useless about sums.
Oh, no.
He saw a bold, dynamic new enterprise - Boyle's first religious bookshop! And so it gives me great joy to now joyfully open Joys R Us! Wow.
It's a lot less Catholic than I thought it'd be.
It's less Catholic than Trisha's room.
Did you see ouiji boards anywhere? Mine's broken.
.
.
which was nice, but then the Jews had to flee from there as well.
God, you've a lot of get-up-and-go, haven't you? Fair play to you.
Tell me this much - where do the Jews stand on the whole D-I-V-O-R-C-E? Well, for a start, I think most of us would say it as a single word.
Right.
Well, that puts you one step ahead of Catholicism anyway.
Keep talkin'.
Ah, there you are, Father.
So what do you think of the place? It's lovely, Dessie.
Yes.
Although I suppose I was expecting something a bit more Catholic.
Don't worry, Father.
Follow me.
Wow! Spaceships, lizards This is nearly as mad as Catholicism.
Yeah, nearly.
I keep the good stuff in here.
.
I call it the Papal pantry.
Who knew there were so many mad religions in Boyle? Certainly not me.
But in the words of big J - "Forbid him not - for he that is not against us is for us.
" By which I think he meant, there's loads of religions, but Catholicism is number one.
So your shop is going to remain multi-faith? A cacophony of catechisms, Father.
So there will also be materials available for Protestants? God, no! Of course not.
Oh, thank the Lord! Good man, Dessie.
Well, Dessie, fair play to you.
You pulled it off.
Who'd have thought that my space would connect with so many people? So proud of my hot male.
Yahoo! Ooh, looks like there's another ribbon to cut outside.
Unless that's some sort of support structure.
Um, well Let's try not to judge it till we've done the full tour.
Absolutely.
Good idea.
Ooh, what have we here? It's not as bad as it looks.
All it really needs is a lick of paint.
There's no toilet! There's no toilet in the toilet! They told me they'd put in a toilet.
We definitely had a toilet! Martin! Well, the ventilation is good.
Look at this place! Ooh-la-la! Parisian.
This has a lovely flow.
Oh! Hi, folks.
Welcome to the penthouse.
Would you mind taking off your shoes? Oh, I just presumed It's a little cramped, but it's It's perfect.
Wait, what's happening? Welcome to Microloft.
Really stretching the metaphor there, lads.
Never even finished the mezzanine.
Cheer up, buddy.
We may have lost a bachelor pad, but at least we gained a donkey den.
Lookin' good, Gerry! That new religion has taken years off you! Thanks, Breda.
Mind yourself now, or I'll be taking years off you! What does that mean? Just general flirting, Breda.
You're not lookin' too shabby yourself there, Tony! No more flaky scalp for me, Gerry! Oh, sorry! Sorry.
Sinead? Allahu Akbar!