Moonshine (2021) s03e05 Episode Script

1
RHIAN: Previously on Moonshine
- What are you doing?
- Evicting you.
I'm drunk with power and the
party's just getting started!
The kid, the house,
I still want those things.
Kid?
Terry wants kids
like an addict wants smack.
[GRUNTING]
Manthusium is friggin' core!
WES: Daddy-o?
No, I haven't told him yet.
No, dad, let me do it.
Let me tell them.
Pink beaut?
LIDIA: You deserve this.
- [LOUD SNIFF]
- Yeah!
Lidia (V.O.): As a woman in business,
your public persona is everything.
Your image must be
carefully controlled.
You have to seem ruthless
yet likeable,
grounded yet effervescent,
effortless but manicured
within an inch of your life.
And you can never age
or go grey or forget to smile
or be a bitch or a pushover,
and you can never,
ever lose your cool.
But image is only part
of your public persona.
- [ANKLE MONITOR BEEPING]
- LIDIA: The other part is reputation.
Your baggage may be designer,
but it's still baggage, baby!
FINN: Sorry, mom.
"Lidia Bennett"?
No bueno.
LIDIA: When you're a woman,
a tiny blemish isn't
a small imperfection.
It's a neon hazard sign:
"Toxic, do not approach!"
What about Lidia Finley-Cullen?
LIDIA: Men may be able
to fail upwards, but nope,
not us ladies.
[DIAL-UP MODEM SOUNDS]
FINN: Well, other than your thesis
on biophilic design theory, nada.
According to the Internet, Lidia
Finley-Cullen doesn't exist.
Okay!
LIDIA: Thank the gods of technology
I changed my name before the Internet.
I missed you, baby!
["BAD SIDE OF THE MOON"
BY APRIL WINE PLAYING]
This is my life, my life ♪
this is my life, this is my life ♪
this is my life, my life ♪
LIDIA: Okay, we need
to set up a meeting
with the structural engineer,
talk to the contractors
Ooh, when we order light fixtures,
we're talking a six-
to eight-month back order
on the industrial pendants
I want in the atrium.
Ooh! Is that bergamot?
Straight from umbria.
Mmm, we should add it
to the guest toiletries!
That's not really in
the purview of the architect.
Everything is in
the purview of an architect
who gives a hoot.
Also, I've been thinking
We should get a little
advance press going.
Maybe do a walkthrough,
announce my involvement?
Uh, actually, my father wants
to hold a beat on the press.
Oh?
Why?
I don't know. He's idiosyncratic.
Mr. family values one day,
Mr. party the next.
Things are always shifting with him.
Shifting
- Things?
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, that's totally cool.
I-I I love to shift.
I love to pivot!
[LAUGHS] Ms. Pivot, that's me!
Uh, but just so we're clear
He's still excited
about my design, right?
Excited?
He cancelled his Viagra script.
[LAUGHS]
But he did read about
your recent legal troubles.
Ah hm. I was afraid of that.
Uh, but that's all in the past.
Hence, Lidia Bennett
architecture and design
is now Lidia Finley-Cullen
architecture and design.
I'm a new person! Hello!
Well, technically, uh, a new
old person since Finley-Cullen
- is my maiden name.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
Google me prepare to be bored!
Um I have to answer this.
- Well, I'm not quite
- excuse me.
Hello?
Yeah
CRYSTAL: Crystal Clean is
a respectable, clean business,
hence the name.
We clean with our clothes
on and strictly adhere
to the "tank top, shorts, jorts,
"flip flops, bare midriff
"but only on really hot days"
uniform policy.
Oh, and our belly button ring
protocol has changed,
which I think is for the bet
RHIAN: Thank you, Crystal,
for that huge waste
of everybody's time.
Hmph!
RHIAN: Now on to what
we've all been waiting for
The FCBA summer social!
[TAPPING ON GLASS]
If I may
During my reign, the event theme
was always a white party.
Dress code was beautiful white linens.
The menu was vichyssoise,
brie, and fluffy blanched
flour dinner rolls
RHIAN: Does anybody hear anything?
- CRYSTAL: Oh?
- I don't.
Uh, as the FCBA treasurer,
I still have a voice here.
Oh, did you find treasure?
No? Then zip it.
WOMAN: [IN A WHISPER]
Seriously, she can't do that!
RHIAN: As I was saying,
this year's summer social
is going to make past events
seem like a geriatric outing.
Good riddance to garden parties
and soggy cucumber sandwiches,
and say hello
- To the Queen's Cups!
- [ROYAL FANFARE]
Nothing says 'class' like a day
of drunken olympiad-level war!
KATIE: That horrible event
where everyone ended up in the ER?
Total dumpster fire!
Oh, does a dumpster fire
get you the cover
of the Gazette, vip parking
at the liquor store,
and make you a local hero?
Because that's what the winner
of the Queen's Cups gets!
The only news here
is that you're not worthy
of hosting the business
community's biggest event
of the season.
You have the social
skills of a wet towel.
- [CROWD MURMURING]
- Ha!
Not!
Everyone here loves me.
Three cheers for
your new prez, bitches!
[SILENCE AND SPORADIC COUGHING]
♪
Behold, BBT!
Manthusium's best-selling
performance enhancer.
Not only is it tasty af,
but it has 25+ vita-mens
and all the a-men-o acids
the body needs to achieve
man-essence actualization!
100% organic.
KEN: Hearty.
- Yeah, is that cinnamon I taste?
- No.
The spicy sensation
is the bull ball tonic
Bovine semen!
Nature's superfood!
SAMMY: Okay, well, to be honest,
I actually didn't come here
to sample product, I actually
came to share some news.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- SAMMY: Um, I'm
I'm dating Wes Lonergan!
And here he is!
Ryan.
You can tell a lot about
a man by his handshake.
Yours needs work, bro.
But there's hope in sight:
BBT, Manthusium's finest!
Ken.
You know, usually when
someone makes my boy happy,
I'm good with them.
But under the circumstances,
I'm sure you'll understand
why I think you're a piece of shit.
Dad!
Just telling the truth, son.
Oh, it's fine. I get it.
But I hope you'll
give me a chance sir.
My intentions are
To build a mega-resort
that'll crush the Moonshine,
Sammy's home.
Weak move, kid.
Weak, weak move.
♪
Ready for that sample?
I'll take a case.
You think you can buy our respect?
[LAUGHS] I'm just kidding, bro!
Will that be cash, credit, or crypto?
Can it be cash, though?
I can't take the other stuff.
♪
LIDIA: You gotta take it off, Terr.
It's my Scarlet letter!
A giant, blinking sign that says,
"Hey, this gal makes
catastrophic life choices."
TERRY: I don't need to remind
you that criminal actions
- have consequences.
- Oh, come on!
I follow the terms of my
conditional sentence-y thing.
My shit is together, I have a job,
a big one that I might lose if
I don't get rid of this thing.
Even if I was okay
with violating the terms,
- which I'm not
- [WHINING] Whyyy?
[QUIETLY] Internal Affairs
has opened a file on me.
God, Terr, that's serious.
Apparently I've been too lenient
on the Finley-Cullens,
so if I want to save my own job,
I need to be "by the book Terry."
- Ugh!
- Just stay the course.
One more month
and you're in the clear.
Aww.
RHIAN: [ON MEGAPHONE]
Listen up, bitches!
The Queen's Cups is starting today!
LIDIA: The Queen's Cups?
♪
Okay!
Thought I'd come home
for a little snack.
Oh God, not now, Terr.
I'm still recovering from
that cattle prod from yesterday.
While you had to jerk off into a cup,
that sadistic fertility doctor
left no tube unturned.
[RADIO PLAYING QUIETLY]
- Are you okay?
- Hmph!
The tests were your idea,
for the off-chance that one day,
not today, I decide, or not decide,
- that I want to have kids.
- I know, I know.
Look, and I don't mean to push you,
but doesn't
the thought of a little Terr
just melt your heart?
If you're talking
about your dick, sure.
Kids?
Well, infants have those
soft, unfused skulls.
Yuck.
And even if that is
your idea of adorable,
having kids is like supergluing
yourself to a meth monkey.
You are delusional.
I am not delusional!
Late nights, diapers, tantrums
It's nothing I'm not used to
down at the precinct.
A dramatic day
at Foxton PD is harassing
the elderly tourists
for a parking infraction.
Or dealing with your family.
- Well
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Look, come on, you
and I will be naturals.
♪
♪
♪
LIDIA: I want in.
You, me,
partners for the Queen's Cups.
No! I don't partner with snakes.
Actually, snakes have spines;
I don't partner with worms.
After I gave you my pencil case
I thought we had a moment.
Did we not have a moment?
Why the sudden interest in my event?
Okay, your event is a chance
to remind the community
that I, Lidia Finley-Cullen,
am a fun yet upstanding
and trustworthy business owner ish.
[SIGHS]
The prize of a positive profile
in the Gazette
would give me that chance to re-brand.
Oh, as usual, Lidia
makes it all about herself.
Yes, it's about me,
but it's also about you.
I heard what happened at the meeting.
You want the FCBA to accept you,
think you're classy?
You're gonna have to learn
how to speak their language.
The charm bomb offensive.
[WITH A GERMAN ACCENT]
Let me teach you my vays
You would teach me the dark arts?
By the end of the day, they'll
be kissing your ring, Rhian.
This is gonna be good
for the both of us.
Hmm?
- I'm in.
- Oh!
[SQUEALS WITH JOY]
Let's get to work!
LIDIA: I'm going as fast as I can!
RHIAN: [ON MEGAPHONE] Not fast enough!
How do you expect to win
the three-legged race
when you're running at a sloth's pace?
Let's go, bony rump!
A compliment in some places,
just not earth!
Let's try to reframe that
in a constructive way!
[ON MEGAPHONE] Let's go, bony rump
Please?
Remember,
think fun tidbits, not insults.
If you want to be liked,
you need to let them know
you see them,
in a non-stalker way. And go!
But I just squeezed out
two seven-pound flesh slabs.
I don't have time to remember
a fun tidbit about Wendy
Other than she needs
medical grade mouthwash.
Can we take a break?
When thirsty Katie
is right behind you,
inches away from winning it all,
are you gonna take a break?!
- No!
- Exactly!
It's not enough to train the body,
you gotta train the mind!
Now think quick!
[SCREAMING]
That's crazy!
- I like to call that the dodge.
- The dodge?
Yeah, for when you don't
have something nice to say,
but you don't want to be rude,
so you just say something generic.
That's dumb.
Why not just stare at them
in judge-y cold derision?
Trust me, this works in any situation.
Shocked? [GASPS] That's crazy!
In a serious conversation?
[IN A WHISPER] That's crazy!
That's crazy.
See? It's a perfect response.
You can even add a little chuckle,
the Swiss army knife
of any conversation.
[CHUCKLES]
[PANTING]
♪
Am I dead? Is this the afterlife?
- No.
- Can you kill me then?
[CACKLES]
That's crazy!
- [BABIES BABBLING]
- [MAKES TRUMPET SOUNDS]
What is that? What are you doing?
Chestica Rabbit, famous drag queen,
left it in Cabin 6 one year.
A bit of improvising
when the real trophy
got turfed into the pond.
Okay, cool.
And what's this?
Sportsmanship Conduct,
or some loser-related shite.
- Ah.
- I need to borrow the rugrats.
Since when do you give
a raccoon's a-hole about babies?
I don't, but Terry thinks of parenting
as a direct pipeline
from boning to picnics,
and he needs to be
brought back to reality.
So you want to borrow my babies
to teach him a lesson?
Hard pass!
OSCAR: Uh
We could use the help, hun.
Help is for the weak.
I've been keeping
these babies alive solo
and I'm totally, 100% fine.
Okay, socializing
is an important skill.
You said so yourself!
Plus, it'd be good
for the twins to spend time
with their aunt and uncle.
Also, you could bond with Lidia
and dominate the game.
Are you trying to kill the babies?
No
Oscar is completely inept
at everything
and he's managed
to keep the twins alive.
[LAUGHS] I'm sorry, inept?
Do you think it's easy
to take care of twins?
No! That's my point!
I need to spook Terry
out of wanting kids.
Also, you're inept
and the kids are still alive.
OSCAR: Okay, I changed my mind.
You can't watch the kids.
I changed my mind, too.
- I'll allow it.
- Oh, great.
But if anything goes wrong,
you will be the one in diapers.
Great!
Ugh, stupid ankle monitor!
Oh, it won't fit in!
Switch sides with me?
KATIE: Nice footwear!
Who designed it, Lori Loughlin?
What do you want, Thirsty?
Oh, you know, just wanted
to see your desperate ploy
to put lipstick on a pig.
There's no way you can handle
an FCBA-worthy event
at the Moonshine.
You can't even manage a clean t-shirt.
RHIAN: Oh! You're just scared
that the Queen's Cups is
gonna urinate all over
your sad, sad legacy.
You better bring a raincoat!
Because I'm gonna out-prez you so hard
that ugly-ass wig
will be stuck to your toes.
- Yeah!
- Not a wig. Mm-hm.
It's plugs, that I had to
go all the way down to TJ
to get after your family
burned my hair off!
[SIGHS] Enjoy your
last days as Prez, bitch!
Should have burned the rest off!
LIDIA: Thirsty Katie thinks
lipstick on a pig won't work?
I say we deck out this
oinker in full-length glam.
I have a plan,
but it will require a wardrobe.
Oh God, where's my deluxe,
humidity-controlled
walk-in closet when I need it?
Alright, now is not the time
for one of your humble brags.
[LINE RINGS]
Hey, Daniel.
I need a favour.
[FRENCH POP PLAYING ON RADIO]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[DOOR OPENS]
Special delivery from Daniel Bennett!
Uh, this is some delivery service.
Did we forget to pay the fedex bill?
- I miss the kids.
- Hmm.
Seriously?
Ballgowns for a campground?
If you really wanted to see me,
all you had to do was ask.
Oh, no, you didn't think that
You and me?
- No!
- No!
- God, no!
- Okay!
Just, uh, wanted to get outta
New York in the summertime.
You know what the humidity
does to my hair, just poof!
Yeah.
So, uh, the Moma bathroom
remodel must be happening soon.
Yeah, yeah, any day now.
It's our big project, amongst many.
Marcie and I, we just can't keep up.
Our children's overpriced education
will live to see another day!
Hurray! Yeah!
- Okay, well
- yeah.
Thank you.
- Thanks for bringing these.
- Yeah, of course.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna go hang 'em up.
- Viva la couture!
- [LAUGHS]
Happy to help
♪
[MOUTHS WORD] Wow.
♪
♪
Uncle Terry and aunt Nora are here.
We're gonna have the best day,
aren't we, yeah!
OSCAR: You guys sure
you're up for this?
Helicopter parent much?
TERRY: I worked security
at a 24-hour gym.
I'm pretty sure I can
handle these little bugs
for an afternoon.
Hey, are you criticizing
my parenting abilities, too?
You know what?
You're right! You're both pros.
Have fun!
TERRY: Oh, okay!
I gotcha! I gotcha!
- Aww!
- [BABY CRIES]
- Yeah?
- [BABY CRYING]
- Um okay.
- [CRYING CONTINUES]
Shouldn't have done that.
- You take her.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no! No!
- Hi
- [BABY STOPS CRYING]
- I need a smoke.
- What?
- Yeah.
- [BABY STARTS CRYING AGAIN]
Oh Oh, whoa!
[SECOND BABY STARTS CRYING]
[RADIO PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC
QUIETLY IN BACKGROUND]
Have you got gluten-free fish batter?
Salad?
You're a long way
from salad, my friend.
I think I can help you out, though.
He will have the burger,
with extra lettuce, tomato, and onion.
But you know what?
Hold the bun. And hold the burger.
Salad!
Thanks.
Daniel Bennett.
Wes Lonergan.
Lonergan?
I had a frat buddy
named Dick Lonergan.
- Any relation?
- Yeah.
That's my father.
No shit! Really?
Good, old long dickergan!
Wait a minute, that
that new resort?
- Wesworld? Is that you?
- Yep.
He's lonelier than I thought.
He's trying to make friends
with King Douche.
So mom and dad,
do you think they're?
I wouldn't bet on it.
Why else would he come
all the way here to hand-deliver
a couple dresses?
Mom may not know it,
but this is a hardcore play
for reconciliation.
Hmm, I dunno.
Do you really want them
to get back together?
For once, mom is making decisions
based on what she wants,
and I thought you'd be down with that.
Poor dad
How does he even survive
without mom telling him
how to behave in public?
["SYMPHONY 40, 1ST MOVEMENT"
BY MOZART PLAYING]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
OSCAR: Rhian, is that you?
Who else did you think it was?
- Uh
- Wait
- Did you not recognize me?
- Of course I did!
I-I-I was gawking at you, my love.
- Liar!
- Aah!
You were gawking at
someone you didn't recognize,
- which is the same as cheating!
- I wasn't!
Ah, first rule of being a host:
Curb the spousal abuse.
RHIAN: Thirsty Katie didn't
think I had it in me.
Well, she can kiss my sweet buns!
We formal, biatch.
I meant to say
[SHOUTING] Welcome to
the FCBA summer social!
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was taking my husband to chemo.
Ha-ha-ha, that's crazy!
Nothing brings people
together like death,
and the Queen's Cup is basically like
a thousand ways to die,
so Bob the car dealer
and I are going to be
blonded for life!
I think you mean bonded.
No, I mean
yes, I did, but also blonded,
because in addition to
being business cohorts,
I hooked him up with my
hairdresser and she gave him
- some very sweet frosted tips.
- Oh-ho!
I'm telling you, he literally
won't have a reason
to say no to approve my lease
on the second Crystal Clean van.
That's genius, babe!
You've inspired me.
I, too, will make connections,
manifest growth,
and sell all my
Manthusium product today!
Yes!
Preferably to customers
with neckbeards, gym bros,
friend zone dwellers, gamers,
and anyone wearing
a fedora or man scarf.
That's who my chapter leader,
Alpha Adrian,
says I should be targeting.
Whoa
That manifest stuff really works
Ah, good luck!
I never thought I'd say this, but
I'm really impressed, brother.
You've come a long way.
Good for you.
Thank you.
Are you okay?
You're usually more of a total prick.
I'm just jetlagged.
Well, got low energy?
Have I got the thing for you!
Manthusium's
best-selling Multi-vita-men,
for all your manly needs!
I don't think what I'm going through
can be solved by vitamins.
- DANIEL: Oh
- LIDIA: [IN DISTANCE] Hi!
Look at her.
[SOBBING]
Little buddy, it's okay.
No, it's not!
My life is a mess!
The Moma job,
it fell through.
They said my design
was irrelevant, which is BS.
What does relevance have
to do with a public bathroom?
Even Marcie thinks I'm out of touch.
She
She left me, for some younger guy
who re-creates fast food commercials
from the '80s on the Internet.
He's got 8 million followers!
Thanks.
How am I supposed to
provide for my children?
Finn's school bills are past due.
There's nothing left for Eleanor.
Oh my God,
I just want my old life back!
My career, my family
And my IBS under control!
Hey man, I get it.
I don't know what I'd do
if Crystal left me
for a hotter, more successful,
more ripped biker.
Okay, nobody's more ripped than me
But you could be!
♪
That's really good. What's in it?
Your future!
[TRIBAL DRUMMING]
♪
NORA: Alright, next one's on you.
I had to hose this one down.
It had shit all the way
up to its neckrolls.
- Terr?
- I'm here!
- Cool. Where's the baby?
- It's in the basinet.
I was sleeping while the baby sleeps.
The baby is not sleeping!
There is no baby!
I mean, it might be sleeping,
but it's not here.
- Terry!
- Oh my God, oh my God.
We need to call someone!
You're a cop you are the someone!
♪
♪
♪
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Sorry.
- Yeah?
- Wes?
Hi.
DANIEL: Hey. So, uh
I saw your new business cards.
Oh. Swank, huh?
I think it is great that you're
trying to get back to work,
and I had an idea.
- Lidia?
- Mm-hm?
I'm ready
To bring back the dream team.
You and me.
Partners, 50/50, for real this time.
Uh, can we talk about this later?
And I already have an excellent lead.
My old frat brother, Dick Lonergan,
did you know that his son is building
the new resort next door?
Now, they probably already
have the bigs locked down,
but you and I together,
we could crush
the ancillary buildings,
fire up the old rolodex;
Before you know it, we're
We're back at it.
I am
Back at it, Daniel.
I'm the bigs! [LAUGHS]
I'm the lead architect
on the Wesworld Project.
[LAUGHS]
You?
Yeah, me.
- Is that so hard to believe?
- No, no, i-i
I mean, yeah!
Yeah, sort of.
The Lonergans, they're major league.
I-I
They don't bring in just anybody!
You still don't think I can
do this on my own, do you?
Running your own firm?
Wow, that takes a lot of work.
There's a whole other
business side to this that
That you just don't have
the experience in, babe,
but I can help you shore up
your relationship with Dick.
This is gonna come
as a surprise to you,
but I don't need you to introduce me
to your frat buddies
to further my career.
Lidia Finley-Cullen
is doing just fine on her own.
♪
["THE FOUR SEASONS, WINTER"
BY VIVALDI PLAYING]
Nice suit. Who's the guy wearing it?
Perks of owning a lost and found.
This one came with a flask.
Suit was a little dirty,
but the liquor was just dirty enough.
Well, after all that dirty talk
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- You look nice, too.
For a traitor.
You don't actually hate me.
Deep down you're a softie.
You'd miss me if I was gone.
Ha!
Who the hell else have you got now?
Two of your kids
sided with the Lonergans.
[SIGHS]
Best keep the enemy close!
♪
♪
Don't panic!
There's gotta be an explanation!
Unless the baby's on its way
to a satanic cult in Saskatoon.
What were you thinking
volunteering us to babysit?
I wanted to teach you a lesson.
You are the one
that thought this would be
a walk in the park.
It's not so easy, is it?
Okay, well, lesson learned.
I'm a terrible parent
and babies hate me.
[OSCAR WHISTLING]
♪
What's he doing?
♪
♪
That duplicitous little shit.
Oscar kidnapped his own baby.
To punish us
for criticizing his parenting.
A mother's rage is one thing,
but the rage of a boozy aunt
is a whole other enchilada
♪
Welcome to the Queen's Cups!
Oscar asked me to cover.
Anyway, here are the events:
Don't drop the crystal, croquet,
cucumber sandwich eatin' mambo,
eveningwear regatta.
It's the Finley-Cullen Olympiad,
but fancy AF!
We classy, bitches! Woo-hoo!
Good luck.
- [BLOWS TRUMPET]
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
RYAN: Feel your anger! Channel it!
Are you gonna let some soggy cucumber
take what's fundamentally yours? No!
You're the hunter!
Everything else is prey!
BRUCE: Chew, chew, chew!
[ROARING]
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
SAMMY: You know, I thought
you'd be a lot more comfortable
at garden parties
because you are rich.
You okay?
You've been on your phone
every five seconds.
- You haven't been around.
- It's fine.
I'm taking care of it.
♪
So think about not
dropping the crystal,
as you think about Crystal
Clean's growth potential!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
It was just a kiss, Ken.
Don't get your briefs in a bunch.
Boxers
That my wife bought for me.
KATIE: Hop faster!
For once in your life,
can you not be a total dud?!
Yes, dear!
RHIAN: This was supposed
to be our event!
LIDIA: Oh, this dress
keeps getting stuck
- on my stupid ankle monitor!
- [BOTH SCREAMING]
[DANIEL AND RYAN YELLING]
CRYSTAL: Are you okay?
- Yeah!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
Ha-ha!
I will fish-shit all of you!
Fish-shit you all to hell!
Fish-shit?
I don't know, it just came out.
And don't blame me,
the stupid gowns were your idea.
Ugh, God.
High fashion may hide
the ankle monitor
but it can't hide the truth.
So, what, that's it?
We're just gonna let
Thirsty Katie win?
Or worse, my condescending ex.
Winning a stupid three-legged race
isn't gonna rehab my reputation.
I don't blame the Lonergans
for not wanting my name attached
to their resort.
Lidia Finley-Cullen is just as
much of a mess as Lidia Bennett.
Yeah, she is.
We dominated
the Queen's Cups every year.
Do you know why?
Because you scared all
the other competitors away?
No, because we were ourselves!
Messes!
Who kicked ass!
I like who I am.
And even though
I don't like who you are,
I still like what you represent
Mess.
A bony-rumped disaster.
We should never have tried
to class up the Queen's Cups.
The new events are boring.
That gown? Pfft. Boring!
No one has ever been
riveted by a cucumber.
Depends on the size of the cucumber.
Wanna re-brand?
We get back to basics.
You show the Lonergans
who we really are.
- Fearless.
- Yeah.
Authentic.
But most of all
Fun!
Let's wipe the lipstick off this pig.
The sisters Finley-Cullen
are getting down and dirty!
- Yes!
- Yes, yes, yes!
Yes!
[SNEAKY MUSIC]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
TERRY: [IN A WHISPER] Hey. Hey, buddy.
NORA: [IN A WHISPER] Terr, you did it!
The baby's not crying.
- We're doin' something right.
- Oh, yeah.
Holy crap, I'm doing it!
[BABY BABBLES]
OSCAR: Help! Help!
Someone stole my child!
Someone stole my baby!
Have you guys seen a baby?
Put him out of his misery.
[SIGHS]
Ah, 30 more seconds?
[BABY BABBLES]
♪
Oh, you
Terry and Nora
[MUTTERING TO HIMSELF]
You know, you know, it takes
a couple of sadistic lunatics
to steal someone's baby.
You did the same thing to us, dipshit.
But you guys deserved it,
mocking my parenting skills,
when Terry couldn't keep his
eyes open for a couple of hours?
I haven't slept in four months.
I'm sorry, Oscar.
- We've learned our lesson.
- Yeah.
You have learned your lesson.
And as punishment,
you're going to resume
your babysitting duties.
- Bye!
- Ha.
- Wait, what?
- Ugh.
Okay, well, you take stinky.
[BABY FARTS]
Time for the final battle!
A Finley-Cullen original:
Everyone get drunk and beat
the crap out of each other!
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪
BRUCE: Chug, chug, chug!
CROWD: [CHANTING]
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug
♪
Yes!
[SCREAMING]
[ROARING]
♪
MAN: Feel better, Bobby!
I have to say, Bob,
the neck brace really brings out
the blond in your tips!
I hope you feel better
and I'll be in on Monday
to sign that lease!
You were such a great partner!
MAN: Oh, man!
Dominate or die.
Earn your place in Valhalla!
[ROARING]
Oh, I think I'm gonna barf.
Burp. Trust me.
[INTRO TO "CRAZY ON YOU"
BY HEART PLAYING]
[LOUD BURP]
Great, good. Better?
Yeah!
Okay, now go execute your ex.
♪
BRUCE: On your Mark
Nice form, sis.
Cram it!
BRUCE: And
[BLOWS TRUMPET]
Let's settle this, mano e womano!
I will destroy you!
Destroy me?
Please, I could cream you blindfolded.
Oh, yeah, you wanna go blindfolded?
Yeah, you bet I do.
A bonus,
I don't have to look
at that butt you call a face
while I kick your ass!
["CRAZY ON YOU" BY HEART PLAYING]
Oh!
Okay, she's straight ahead. Straight.
Charge!
[SCREAMING]
Go, come on!
RHIAN: Yes, turn around! Right, right!
DANIEL: Is this the thanks I get
for making your career?
[LAUGHS] Making my career?!
Just because you were my TA?
You took credit for all my ideas!
- RYAN: Come on, get angry!
- RHIAN: Yes, to your right!
That's why our marriage never worked!
DANIEL: Our marriage never worked
because you never worked on it!
- RHIAN: Come on!
- But that's fine!
Because now it's me
that wants a divorce!
The sooner, the better!
Giddy-up, blondie!
LIDIA: Ugh, God!
I wish your dysfunction
ended at erectile!
RYAN: Dan, duck!
RHIAN: Yes! Let's go, bony rump, woo!
DANIEL: And you know what?
That Wesworld contract
you just signed,
half of that fee is mine!
- RHIAN: Duck!
- You better have a good lawyer!
You come for the queen,
you'd best not miss, babe!
- [LOUD THWACK]
- Ow!
RYAN: Oh! She's down!
- LIDIA: [LAUGHS]
- RHIAN: Lidia!
LIDIA: Rhian! Are you okay?
Come on, you can get her! Come on!
- [CANS CRUNCH]
- [ROARING]
Let me go crazy on you ♪
crazy on you ♪
- LIDIA: Ugh
- [CROWD MURMURING]
♪
[CROWD MURMURING]
♪
- [LIDIA SIGHING]
- Okay?
[CAMERA FLASHES]
RHIAN: Oh, oh, I'm sorry!
You wanna gawk?
Snicker?
Then you better know
who you're dealing with, okay?
This is Lidia Finley-Cullen!
My sister!
And CEO of her own architecture firm!
You may think she's crazy,
a felon
And you're right.
She's also committed federal,
provincial, municipal,
and ethical crimes,
but, I mean, who here hasn't?
CROWD: Me. Me
Me, I'm not
Okay, fine.
But you know what?
It's only made her stronger.
This woman is a fighter.
Yeah, a rabid mole rat
who will destroy anything
that tries to hurt our family.
And as President of the FCBA
and host of this year's Queen's Cups,
I demand you all
Bow down!
♪
Heh!
[SLOW CLAPPING]
CROWD: Yup okay! Alright!
[APPLAUSE]
[PEOPLE CALLING OUT]
[CHEERING]
Wow.
That's crazy.
Oh, Rhian!
Oh!
That was
Other than the mole rat part,
really eloquent.
This feels like a victory.
And if the Lonergans don't like it,
they can kiss my bony rump!
[QUIETLY] Ryan and Daniel
are on bovine steroids,
which means they cheated,
and I will prove it,
but until then
[LOUDLY] a round
of begrudging applause
for Ryan and Daniel,
winners of this year's Queen's Cups!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
RYAN: Woo!
Woo-ah!
♪
Well, I think we learned a lot today.
Actually, yeah.
It wasn't the absolute nightmare
I thought it was gonna be, so
Oh, is that so?
Well, the little monsters
are sort of cute.
And that baby smell?
I'd snort that shizz
in a bathroom all night.
Well, that's kind of
a weird way to say
that you don't totally hate kids,
but I'll take it.
- And it calls for a toast.
- Yeah.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Hello?
RECEPTIONIST: [PHONE] Hello, Nora.
This is Dr. Wicken's office.
The doctor would like you
to come in to [FADES OUT]
♪
♪
♪
SAMMY: Thanks for staying?
I know my family's nuts,
but, uh, you really hung in.
Your family has nothing on mine.
- [TEXT NOTIFICATIONS]
- Mm-hm!
Well, you should tell that to Lidia.
All this, just
An attempt to impress your dad.
God
What?
No
Okay, seriously, it's time to spill.
What's going on with you?
Look, we have a good thing going.
I-I don't want to ruin it.
Keeping secrets
is what's gonna ruin it.
You and I said we'd be honest
with each other from now on.
Okay.
Alright, just keep in mind
there's a difference between
a person and their family business.
Wes, just say it.
Hey, guys.
Everything okay?
Bomb's about to be dropped!
As our resident weapons expert,
what the hell are you talking about?
Not my news to share.
Wes, would you like to do the honours?
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Look, the ethos of a resort
existing within nature,
Lidia's core design concept,
was something that my
father really connected to.
RHIAN: The point. Get to it.
Is this about to pivot?
Oh God, this is about to pivot.
My father wants more nature,
more space, okay?
An unobstructed
360-degree view from every room.
He's bulldozing the Moonshine.
[GIGGLES]
He's powerful and rich
and knows you don't have a deed.
SAMMY: You said
That you would do everything
to make sure that the Moonshine
and the new resort could co-exist.
Actually, you said that, I just
- I just nodded.
- What?!
RHIAN: You can't do that.
He doesn't own it.
It doesn't matter.
He's done it a million times.
It's how he does business.
Okay, let's just take a beat.
I'm sure we can find another way.
I can come up with
some creative solutions.
You can?
'Cause what happened to
"working the resort
"from the inside will
protect the Moonshine"?
That "my design is
the best of both worlds"?
Well, Wes mentioned
there would be some changes,
but we didn't talk specifics.
Rhian, I didn't know any
of this was going on, I swear!
I'm just as shocked as you are.
Rhian
["DOWN TO ZERO"
BY JOAN ARMATRADING PLAYING]
♪
♪
♪
Oh, the feelin' when you're reelin' ♪
♪
You step lightly,
thinkin' you're number one ♪
down to zero with a word, ♪
leavin' for another one ♪
♪
Now you walk with your feet
back on the ground ♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪