Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e05 Episode Script

Oh, you two would just love my new place.
Of course, it isn't decorated yet.
Not like yours, Mindy, with all its special little touches.
- You know, it's really a home.
- Oh, thanks.
lt's always comfortable around here.
Oh, it's nice.
Mindy, will you help me make my place a home? Well, sure.
But, l mean, l'm not a professional or anything.
Oh, that's okay.
We'll keep it real sweet and simple.
Besides, l can only spend 1 0,000.
Dollars? Ten thousand dollars? The kind that you get at a bank? And not a penny more.
l promised myself.
Come on, why don't we start by making a list? Mindy, would you please get the pen and pencil out of my purse? Sure.
- Gotcha.
- Glenda.
Glenda, you are just so funny.
l'm gonna start laughing when my heart gets started.
You know, one of the guys in my building gave this to me.
He's a regular riot.
Oh, yeah, he's a regular riot all right.
Hey, can l borrow that? l'd kind of like to show it to Mork.
Oh, sure, he'll probably love it.
Then l'm taking the other one for Remo.
l am starving.
Let's go to the restaurant and l'll talk him into making us breakfast.
- Okay.
- Listen, you guys go.
Mork's making me a special breakfast this morning.
l just hope that this time, it doesn't jump off the plate.
Jeanie, after breakfast, how about if we go back to my building and we can catch the tail end of the limbo lesson? Gosh, am l hungry.
lf you are, Mind, then get ready for Tarzan of the Crepes.
Today, today, we're gonna bake something very special.
We're gonna make huevos cosmos.
Here we go.
First of all, let's start off by putting a few pinto beans as a base.
Pinto, from the Spanish word meaning small car.
Now, make sure to add a little sherry.
Oh, what a lovely shade of bleu.
Now, we add our main ingredients, and what you do is first of all, bring out your chicken.
Oh, look, this chicken is so young it's never known love.
Oh, please, please, please.
Oh, it's a boy.
Here we go.
Now, we must dress our chicken.
First, you put your chicken in a lovely two-piece outfit.
And dunk it now just like Esther Williams.
And there goes you.
And once again, a little more sherry, sherry and sherry alike.
And a little for the cook.
You never know when you'll be followed home by a wino.
Now, wait for some more finish or garnish.
For one cannot cook without a little flower.
Once again, a little more sherry and some grated cheese.
Oh, you grate on me, grate, grate, grate.
Put cheese in there, once again, who knows? Now, once again, a little more sherry.
Oh, what a lovely day.
Oh, boy, one eggplant will do it.
Over here, once again, a little more sherry.
Little more sherry, sherry, sherry.
A little salt.
A little pepper.
And remember, you can put anything in there in the amount of time.
Use your trash compactor, if necessary.
Finishing up, once again, you stir it up and one little more petit cheri.
Oh, bon appetit, my dear, bon appetit.
Fabulous.
Yes, Mind, come on, give it a try.
Throw caution to the wind, Mind.
l think that l'm on a diet.
But l got you a little surprise.
lt's in my purse.
- For me? - Yeah.
Oh, Mind, l love surprises more than l love freeze-dried pets.
Really, can l have it? For me? Yes.
There's nothing in there, Mind.
Mork, it's a snake.
lt's supposed to jump out and scare you.
Oh, l get it.
Oh, no, Mork.
lt's a practical joke.
lt's a prank.
People play them on one another.
lt's supposed to be funny.
l understand that, Mind.
l'm a superior being.
You know, it's a very simple concept: snake, spring, fear.
Let's add that to the dish.
Never mind.
lt was a dumb joke, anyway.
Well, l wasn't gonna say that, Mind.
Well, while you're doing whatever it is you're doing there, l'm gonna run to the store quick and get some decorator magazines.
- Have you seen my car keys? - Sure, many times.
You know where they might be? Well, l'll take a wild guess.
Number one, in the purse.
But don't worry, Mind, don't worry, don't worry.
Allow moi, pardon moi.
Oh, no.
A purse.
Oh, my heart, Mind.
You take the house.
Well, this is my place.
Wow, neat.
Where's the refrigerator? Oh, not now, Stephanie.
l see it.
The rest of you children that don't wanna eat, let's all sit down here for a moment and share a problem with Uncle Mork here.
Well, the basic problem is that l have a heavy case of confusion.
Let us be your beacon through the fog.
Thanks, Lola.
Hey, what's wrong with this refrigerator? l can't see anything in here.
Oh, l took the bulb out, Stephanie.
l knew you were coming.
Go suck a lemon.
You know, there's free food down at Jack in the Box if you stand next to the clown.
Well, basically, my problem is that Well, l wanna play a practical joke on Mindy and l don't really know any.
l know one.
l went to Jake's Joke Shop and bought a bar of trick soap.
When my brother washed with it, his hands grew black.
Oh, that sure beats busing, doesn't it? Well, it's just l'm in a desperate situation.
ls there anything else you know? Mork, there's tons of them.
ltching powder, sneezing powder, pepper gum - Fly in your ice cube.
- Wait a minute.
Oh, great expectations.
l'm gonna scare the dickens out of Mindy.
Great Expectations? Dickens? You know, big fella, you're a lot deeper than you look.
Bless you, Lola.
Have you cleaned the refrigerator out yet, Stephanie? Don't spoil it, Dr.
Atkins.
Now, come on.
Boy, does that diet work.
Hi.
How was your day? Not bad.
- Why are you looking at me like that? - l don't know.
l guess l'm just kind of a mildly mischievous kind of guy.
Why don't you put your coat in the armoire there? You never know what might be in there.
Maybe a skeleton or a hokey-pokey man.
- What? - Oh, maybe you have a bone to pick.
- Go in the closet? - No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Now, that's funny.
Seeing that, don't you really wanna fatten up? Let's go to the fridge.
Come on.
Mind, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, Mind, Mind, l hope this doesn't alarm you, but there might be some bell peppers in there.
Titter, titter, chortle, chortle.
- An alarm, huh? A bell pepper.
- Yes.
Mork, l'll tell you, you're a clever guy.
Listen, Mork, we need to have a little talk.
Look, for a practical joke to work, you're not supposed to know what's gonna happen.
The surprise is what makes it funny.
You're kidding.
Frank, what other symphony conductor dresses like this? Since you're going fishing, come on in.
Maybe you need some worms for your fishing trip.
- Worms? - Yeah, they might be in there.
l had a few.
l don't know.
- Worms in there? - Yeah.
- Give it a shot.
- Here, hold onto this, huh? lndustrial-strength worms.
This way, you can catch the big suckers.
Mork, that was a pretty good prank.
- lt was a prank, wasn't it? - l hope.
Pretty good, my boy, pretty good.
But it pales by comparison with some of the exploits of Pranky Franky here.
Pranky Franky? l'm being dressed by Pranky Franky? You've heard of the old car-in-the-living-room stunt? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, that's-- Oh, yeah.
Oh, who hasn't heard of it? l haven't.
Mork, it's when you take a car apart and put it back together in somebody's living room.
When l was in college, we did that to Professor Franklin's '51 Studebaker.
- Oh, heavy.
- Yes, but well worth the hernia.
That prank made me what l am today.
A legend.
A legend? Tornado in the windmills of my mind.
Hang on, Toto, hang on.
Well, maybe l don't look so bad in this outfit.
l don't know.
Nobody's gonna see but the fish, and who are they gonna tell except a few water-logged gangsters? That's the spirit, Fred.
Those fish don't have a chance.
He really does look pretty funny in that outfit, doesn't he? A chance to become a living legend.
l'll be up there on Mount Rushmore.
Up there, l'll be with Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Roosevelt and all those other wide receivers.
This is gonna make Mindy love us forever.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, l can't wait till she sees this.
Mind.
Mind, wake up, it's morning.
Can't you hear the little birdies singing outside? Mork, it is 5:00 in the morning.
How--? Mork, how did you--? Why would you? - When did you get this thing up here? - Mind, take your time, now.
l know these compliments don't fall tripping off the tongue.
Mork.
Get this Jeep out of here now.
Oh, yes, and? And get this Jeep out of here now.
Morning, Mr.
Bickley.
Are you sure you're all right, Mr.
Bickley? Just a second before, l was sitting in that chair.
l got up to fill my Thermos with coffee.
l owe my life to Joe DiMaggio.
Oh, don't worry about that hole, Mr.
Bickley.
l'll Spackle it over.
Don't worry.
l think my insurance should cover this.
l'll just have to check on a technicality, if my apartment is covered for collision.
Well, apart from the obvious physical and emotional trauma, is there any latent appreciation for what l've achieved here? l see.
Well, excuse me.
Excu-- l'm going fishing.
l've gotta get out of here.
l don't know what l'm gonna tell my maid.
She won't even do windows.
Oh, Mind, look at the bright side.
lt's always good to have friends you can drop in on.
Mork, listen to me.
Don't hit me.
Don't hit me.
What you did was not funny.
We can't even go into our apartment because of that.
And l don't even wanna think what might've happened to Mr.
Bickley, much less how much this is gonna cost to fix.
lt was a stupid and dangerous prank.
You should have been more careful.
Well, l was careful, Mind.
l set the handbrake.
- You set the handbrake? - Yeah.
You set the handbrake? My Jeep falls through my floor and you say you set the handbrake? l can't take any more of this, Mork.
l'm getting out of here.
- Good.
Where are we going? - We're not going anywhere.
You're staying and cleaning up this mess and getting that Jeep out.
l'm going to Glenda Faye's.
Mind, Mind.
Well, Mindy Well, this is the last box.
Oh, Glenda, l just keep thinking about it.
l mean, a Jeep falling through my floor.
How many years can a normal person put up with that kind of stuff? Four? l mean, when l first met Mork, l knew he was different, but-- You know, l noticed that too, but l never said anything.
You see, l was brought up to laugh behind people's backs.
All l know is if this kind of stuff keeps up, Mork's just gonna have to find another Earth-- Roommate.
Oh, my.
This is serious, isn't it? Well, listen, Mindy, you're welcome to stay here until you work things out.
Besides, we'll have a ball.
This is a singles apartment.
Hi, Derrick.
Far out.
Farther out.
Hey, guys.
Glad you came by.
l'd like you to meet a friend of mine.
Mindy, these are my neighbours.
- Derrick.
- Hi, Derrick.
And this is-- Todd Norman Taylor, but you can call me TNT.
Kind of a dynamite guy, you know.
- Hi.
- Great personality.
Say, look, l'm kind of new in town.
How do l get to your place? Glenda, is there something l could help you with in the kitchen? No, no, no.
Now, you just sit.
l'll get us all something to drink.
- Just yell if you need anything else.
- Okay.
Well, l think l have everything l need right here.
Cheese puffs? No, l just ate.
l have heavier chains for when it snows.
l bought them out of my slush fund.
But serious time now, have you ever really listened to Manilow? No.
Happy hour.
Strawberry margaritas.
Cowabunga.
Say, why don't we share a margarita, huh? You go right, l'll go left, we'll have a salt-lick race around the rim.
l don't believe this.
She loves me.
ls this fun or what? You're a crazy lady, you know that? lsn't she a crazy lady? Yeah, she's crazy.
Say, look, how would you like to take a nice, warm dip in my Jacuzz? Fabulous.
Sure, we can fill it up with club soda and bob for lemon slices.
We'll go change.
Meet you downstairs in 20 minutes.
Better make that 25.
l have to Scotchgard my chains.
Brenda, Cindy, see you later, ladygators.
Wasn't that fun? Weren't they terrific? Are you serious? Glenda, they didn't even know our names.
But they were close.
Well, besides, what's in a name, as long as you're happy? Oh, come on, you don't really believe that.
Sure.
Oh, look, you're gonna love it here.
We'll be so busy, we won't even have time to think about what's bothering us.
l mean, you.
What's bothering you.
Glenda, come on, what's really going on? l really don't wanna talk about it.
Are you sure? Oh, Mindy, l'm not sure about anything since my husband died.
Well, that's why l moved in here.
l just wanna laugh, say hi, no involvements and nothing personal.
Well, l can understand that.
Thanks, Mindy.
lt's just that every once in a while, l miss having somebody who really cares about me.
You are so lucky to have Mork.
l am? Give him another chance.
A hole in your floor is a lot better than a hole in your ceiling.
A hole in your ceiling is a lot better than a Well, either way, it's a lot better than a hole in your life.
Yeah.
You know, l really never realised how good l had it till l saw what was really out there.
Things aren't so bad at home.
You know, Bebo, a lot of people would consider this a very depressing situation.
You don't have to be one of them.
l wish that hole in the ceiling was the only thing l had to patch up.
l really miss Mind.
Mork.
Sometimes l can almost hear her voice now.
Mork, can l talk to you for a minute? Mind.
Mind, you're here.
Bebo, wait.
No, no, Bebo, no.
l'm sorry, Mind.
l'm sorry to add polyester to injury.
Mork, l think there are a few things we should straighten out.
Well, before you say another word, l've already started my self-improvement plan and l've made a list of my bad points.
Well, there would've been more, except the tears made the ink run.
First of all, l belch with my finger.
Second, l snore with my toes, l chew my toenails, l sit on my face.
Oh, Mork, nobody's perfect.
Yes, Mind, you are.
l mean, you're wholesome.
ln the dictionary, it says, ''Perfect, see Mindy.
'' No, l'm not.
For one thing, l don't have any patience.
l should have known you didn't mean any harm.
l mean, you were only trying to make me laugh.
Yeah, l thought it was just a joke.
But, Mind, sometimes l'm a really trying guy.
Well, that's very true.
But you also have an awful lot of good points.
Oh, l know that too, Mind.
l made a list of those.
Here it is.
''Mindy McConnell is my friend.
'' That's all that's on here.
That's all l could think of, Mind, when l was sitting here alone.
Oh, Mork, you know, you're crazy, weird, aggravating Oh, l can't help it, Mind.
l'm a Libra.
lmpulsive, exasperating and frustrating.
But, you know, you're also very caring, and that's what makes it all worth it.
You still like me? Well: Back on Ork, we have a very special custom when making up.
Well, what's that? First of all, we grab each other's hands, we look very deeply into each other's eyes.
- Yeah? - That's it.
That's it? Really? Well, on Earth, we usually do all that, and then we kiss.
You sure you want to? Well, l don't know.
Okay.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Your Oliver Hardyness.
l hope l didn't call you too early.
- Oh, by the way, Mork, - Sir.
l wanted to thank you for the box of cigars you sent me.
Oh, no sweat, Chief Smoke.
l mean, l hope you got a bang out of them.
You see, sir, that's what's called a practical joke here on Earth.
Nonsense.
No jokes are practical.
Oh, sir, come on, now.
They serve a purpose.
l mean, jokes can fill your life with surprises.
Life isn't supposed to be surprising.
lt's supposed to be ordered and predictable, Mork.
Oh, but where's the fun in that, Your Old Fogeyness? lf life were predictable, no one would watch Miss America, they'd know who's hosting The Tonight Show, and no one would believe that an actor could become president.
lmagine, giving a State of the Union address: ''My fellow Line.
'' - That's unpredictable? - No, sir, that's incredible.
And so is that warm feeling you get when you tell a friend a joke.
But the most important thing, sir, is to have a friend that you wanna tell a joke to.
And if not, the joke's on you.
Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.