My Family (2000) s03e05 Episode Script

What are you doing? I just wanted to taste.
Tastes like cornflakes, doesn't it? Haven't changed in 50 years.
- You did it deliberately! - You should lock the door.
You should listen to hear if anyone's there.
Or maybe you did.
Why would I listen to you having a shower? How did you know I was having a shower? - Anyway, I've seen them before.
- When? - Last week.
Not that bothered.
- It bloody bothers me! Abi, lock the door in future.
Michael, buy a magazine.
(Phone rings) I'll get it.
Hello.
Yes, it's Mr Harper.
Yes, she's here.
I'll just get her for you.
It's for you.
Hello? Hello, Janey! How lovely to hear from you at last.
That was seven weeks, four days ago.
- Ask her how much.
- Don't even think that way! Not that much.
Oh, my poor dear! That's terrible! Do you have a friend to talk to? Good.
Sit tight.
We're on our way.
Love you, Janey.
Bye.
What? She snag her belly-ring in a hedge? She's in a real state.
We've got to go there at once.
- I'm not going to Liverpool! - She's at Manchester.
Liverpool, Manchester, whatever.
- She's miserable.
- She always is.
- She's dropping out and coming home.
- I'll get the car.
- Abi, you're in charge.
- Her? - Can I have a boyfriend round? - Of course.
- Don't I have a view? - You've seen enough.
What if this boyfriend is a psychopathic killer? We'll leave Auntie Vi's number on the fridge.
You're allowed to go faster, you know.
Look - it's a 40mph limit.
Susan, I've already got six penalty points on my licence.
Besides, you can get there just as quickly by going slowly.
That doesn't make sense at all.
Quick, the lights are changing.
Damn.
You'll have to jump them.
Ah.
See the bloke next to us? Mm? He's the one who overtook us So it is.
But 20 minutes ago he didn't have a seat full of shopping.
- Remember the tortoise and the hare? - How could I forget? I saw the tortoise zip past us two miles back.
What are you stopping for? It's a zebra crossing.
With an old lady on it.
Do you want me to kill her? You get three penalty points for that.
If we don't get there soon, Janey may already be on the train back home.
- Janey? - (Muffled music) - Janey? - I honestly think she's all right.
- Bloody hell! Why are you here? - See? She's OK.
- We've come to see how you are.
- Why? Your mother was worried about the phone call.
I thought you were going to do something stupid.
I said I was suicidal.
I didn't say I was going to kill myself.
Suicidal? Is that all? Your mother said you were coming home.
Well, I'm not.
Goodbye.
- So why were you so upset? - Oh, ju Boy trouble.
You poor thing.
We can help you get over it.
- I am over it.
- See? She's fine.
- So glad we had this little chat.
- Is there someone in there with you? - It's Saturday night.
What do you think? - I think we should be on our way.
Perhaps we can meet your friend.
He's not really a friend.
More a sort of buddy.
So, on our way.
Aren't you going to offer us a cup of tea? No! - Your turn.
- I need the loo.
There's one on the landing.
- I'm hungry.
- There's a fish and chip shop.
- That's wonderful.
- (Young man) Who is it? - I'll call you.
- Hurry up, Janey.
(Different man) Yeah, hurry up.
Fancy some chips? Yes.
Chips.
Well, this trip has been a complete and utter waste of time.
I don't know.
We made Janey happy.
I'm not sure that was us.
Still, it wasn't a waste of time.
No.
More a voyage of discovery into places I never wanna go again.
- Wonder what Janey's doing now.
- Or think about.
We can be home by midnight.
Ben, are you serious? It's the weekend.
We're free, away from home.
In an exotic, vibrant metropolis.
It's Manchester.
All right.
OK.
Hold those.
Give me the hotel guide.
- Janey's very lucky.
- I'm not listening.
- She's got youth on her side.
- And on her other side.
I remember how it was at her age new experiences, new friends, the excitement of new encounters.
The Raythorn Metrolodge.
Mid price, cable TV.
Easy access, M62.
Oh.
Ooh.
They've got a carvery.
Erm Don't you think sometimes things can get a little humdrum? We don't have to go to the carvery.
- I want to sleep with a stranger.
- We What? I read a short story about a husband and wife who check into a hotel.
To spice up their relationship they pretend not to know each other.
Hello.
Who are you? - Feel spicy yet? - I'm serious.
Wouldn't it be wild, meeting again for the first time? I don't remember it being wild the first first time.
Come on, Ben.
Think about it.
A one-night stand.
You'll be a stranger.
I'll be a stranger.
Who knows what I might do to you? - Raythorn Metrolodge? - OK.
(Soft Muzak) Good evening, madam.
- Evening, sir.
- How was your journey? - Terrible.
- Lovely.
- What name is it, sir? - Harper.
Ben Harper.
- Name please, madam? - Delores de Large.
(Snorts) - Something wrong, sir? - No.
Erm Yes, actually.
My real name is Johnny Stud.
I see, sir.
So your pseudonym is Ben Harper? - Yes.
- But your real name is Johnny Stud.
It's more of a description, really.
I see, sir.
- Delores de Large? - It's sexy.
- Really? Sounds like a porn star.
- If you like.
- Anyway, Johnny Stud? - Seemed appropriate.
You wish.
- Your room key, Ms de Large.
- Thank you.
The number's on the sleeve, Mr Stud.
(Both) Enjoy your stay.
(Both) I intend to.
Michael, this is Michael.
Hi there, big fella.
So, you're Michael and I'm Michael.
That's funny, isn't it? - Michael.
- Oh, my aching sides (!) - Michael, d'you want a beer? - Thanks.
Not you.
Oh, have you got an opener? I used to work in a pub.
(Bottle smashes) - What happened to Steve? - I dumped him.
- I thought he dumped you.
- Then why did you ask? I liked Steve.
Steve was nice.
Why don't you go out with Steve? Cos he's a pillock.
Like you, Michael.
- Are you gonna stand for that? - Not him.
You.
For God's sake.
To save confusion, I'll be Mike.
I don't like Mike.
I like Michael.
Not you.
The problem is, there's two Michaels.
How about this for a solution? You, gorgeous, sit.
You, shrimp boy, out.
Manhattan, please.
You're late.
How do you know? You've not met me yet.
I know your type.
Hello.
Same again? Not yet, not yet.
You can't just jump in and buy a girl a drink.
What d'you think I am? Fast? - Sorry, I was just - Later.
You have to play me.
Like a violin.
Play your cards right, I might snap your G-string.
(Chortles) No.
Our eyes have to meet across the room.
You send me champagne, I invite you over.
You woo me.
Then, with a devil-may-care laugh - I'll slip you my room key.
- Should I write this down? No.
It has to be spontaneous.
Now go away.
OK.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Maureen.
That's a nice name.
- Actually, it's Sarah.
Maureen left but they were too cheap to make a new badge.
Johnny.
Johnny Stud.
- That's an unusual name.
- I'm an unusual guy.
- In what way? - Wouldn't you like to know? Ben.
Ben! Would you like one with me? - Sorry.
Do you fancy a drink? - Sure.
Ben! - What do you think you're doing? - I'm a single guy having a drink.
OK? Plus, we haven't met.
- I assure you, once we do meet - Delores.
the memory of other women will vanish like morning mist.
All right.
But don't leave it till morning.
- Your table is ready when you are.
- Oh, I'm always ready.
(Giggles) Delores is a recent divorcee.
- This is delicious.
- Thank you.
It was the last one in the shop.
Thanks for getting there in time.
Thank you.
No.
Thank you.
(Crunching) Michael, are you ever gonna leave us alone? No.
Why don't we have coffee in the living room? - I haven't finished yet.
- Exactly.
You go through and I'll bring the coffee.
Look, this is the first guy I like who actually likes me back.
- He doesn't know you yet.
- No.
I mean it.
When guys are nice to me, it freaks me out - cos, well I think they're crazy.
- They'd have to be.
This one's different.
Don't screw it up.
I'll leave that to you.
Waiter, could you send a bottle of champagne to the charming lady over there? - Was everything all right? - Yes, delicious.
Though I may need some more sugar.
- Oh - Champagne from the gentleman.
That's more like it.
About bloody time.
A gentleman sent this for you.
I think they've already brought it.
No, this is from that gentleman.
(Cork pops) Then who sent this one? She's lovely, isn't she? Who? Mum? - She's your mother? - Yeah.
She didn't tell you? She was young.
It was sad.
Promise me you won't use her.
She can go off (Snaps fingers) like that.
She never said she had a son.
She likes to think I don't exist.
- Are you still here? - See what I mean? - Hi.
- Hi.
- Mind if I - Please do.
You don't know what I'm gonna say! - "sit down"? - Ah, such chemistry.
What brings a lovely lady like you here? The M62.
Haven't I seen you before? Yes.
On the cover of Vogue.
I'm a supermodel.
- A supermodel? - Yes.
Delores de Large.
- Sylvester Steele.
- What happened to Johnny Stud? I don't know, it just seemed a bit stupid.
(Clears throat) So Mr Steele what do you do? Erm l'm, erm I'm an insurance salesman.
And that is sexy why? Oh, well, I'm more of a chart-topping stuntman, dotcom Formula One person.
I think you run an art gallery in New York and have homes in Paris, London and Milan.
Agh! Damn, you've seen through my disguise.
I try to keep a low profile while I'm staying at the Raythorn Metrolodge.
- An apartment in Greenwich Village.
- Upper East Side.
- I hardly think so.
- I know where I live.
Whose fantasy is this? - I thought we were sharing it.
- No! You married too young and your ex-wife is dead.
You have a yacht, a jet and a villa on Lake Como.
And two cats.
Pinky and Perky.
- No, Susan, not cats.
- Delores.
I like cats.
- I like dogs.
You can't have it all.
- Yes, I can.
It's a fantasy.
- Some people don't know when to stop.
- Or how to treat a lady.
- I sent champagne.
- House fizz.
- He sent me vintage Bollinger.
- Who did? Someone who appreciates me.
Look, if it's about money, I'll send you a cheque.
Don't cheapen it.
Excuse me.
There's a phone call for you, Mr Steele.
What? No.
Can't be.
I don't exist.
- I think you should take it.
- What? The villa's probably flooded.
Is that man bothering you? For 20 years and counting.
I thought I saw him on a separate table.
Are you together? - I've never met him before.
- You seem confused.
- Let me help.
Delores, isn't it? - No.
Er, yes.
- Are you attached? - Yes.
Er, no.
Or am I? I like a girl who says no when she means yes.
Actually, I said yes when I meant no.
You don't know what you want.
Let me show you, my little rabbit.
So, you went for the garlic prawns.
- Do I take the phone call here? - There is no call.
- It's about your credit card.
- Why didn't you say? I didn't want to embarrass you in front of the lady.
Oh, we're well past that.
- What's the problem? - The imprint is signed Ben Harper.
But your bar slip is signed Sylvester Steele.
Aha, that, yes.
Er Right.
It's no problem.
Which is it, Harper or Steele? Just pick one.
Actually, it's both.
Well, it's Harper, but tonight I'm using Steele.
He told me it was Johnny Stud.
Yes.
(Laughs) That's Well, it is, and it isn't.
All right.
Well, which isn't it, then? Harper? Steele? Or Stud? I'm sorry, I might as well come clean.
I'm, erm - My real name isn't Johnny Stud.
- You don't say(!) No, see, what it is is that my wife and I and it's totally her idea are indulging in a little role play.
Oh, that old game.
Hoping to spice up a tired and jaded old marriage.
I certainly am not! Oh, have you given up already, sir? Rather than extend this conversation, have I solved your problem? It's hardly my problem, sir.
But we do get that sort of thing all the time.
That, for instance, is Honey Rider, a bikini model, talking to Rocky Alonso Stone, international diamond merchant.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I understand.
It wouldn't be seemly to appear too eager.
I like that.
You don't understand.
I don't want to.
Ah, but your eyes say yes.
- Your eyes will be saying "Ow" soon.
- How quaintly romantic.
So unlike these modern girls who jump into bed with me at the drop of a thong.
Excuse me, I'm modern.
- So that's a yes? - No! I'm going up to my room now, to have a shower and slip into bed.
I'll order some champagne and maybe some caviar.
Don't let me be lonely tonight.
Your lucky number.
Susan What? Oh, sorry, Delores.
Of course.
Where were we? Erm - Since my ex-wife died - Right, that's enough wooing! I'm plastered! - Here's my room key.
- Where's the devil-may-care laugh? Ha! Ha! Ha! Take the bloody key.
I'm going up to order room service.
- See you in 20 minutes.
- 20 minutes? - OK, five.
- Five.
(Laughs) Five.
OK Get in there, Rocky, my son.
We don't have to stay in the kitchen, you know.
I don't want to disturb Michael.
He's watching telly.
I, er I do have a room.
I don't think it's a good idea on the first date for me to rush you into bed.
There's always the kitchen table.
Look, Abi, I really like you.
(Sighs) Not again.
Michael told me you've had some hard times.
Michael? I don't wanna take advantage of you so I'm gonna leave now.
Don't listen to Michael.
He's got this stupid crush on me.
- Your own son? - What? - Where did you get that idea? - Michael told me.
Yeah.
He also tells people he's Batman.
He is not my son.
Yeah, he said you'd say that, too.
Michael? (Shower running) Delores Hi.
Look, I hope you don't mind, but I went back to Stud.
I think you'll know why.
(Deep voice) Oh, baby.
Yeah.
Ooh! Oh Yes.
OK, Delores.
Ah! Delores! Ready when you are, baby.
- (Screams) - (Screams) All right, Johnny Stud, you can cool off in here while we decide what to charge you with.
My money's on indecent exposure.
Oh, great.
There's a sweepstake, is there? Oi.
Johnny Stud.
- (Nervously) Hello.
- What did he say you were in for? (Deep voice) Murder.
Hello, darling, I'm home.
Susan.
(Gruffly) Susan.
Susan! Susan! Oh, hello.
There you are.
I've been worried sick.
Well, I've been sick.
- Too much champagne.
- Poor you(!) Where've you been? - Banged in a police cell all night.
- Don't you mean "banged up"? I do.
It was touch and go for a while.
Sorry.
I don't understand.
You had me in the palm of your hand and you blew it Johnny Stud.
Don't ever call me that ever again.
It's a pity.
I never got my night of love with a strange man.
Well, I nearly did.
I'm still not with you.
Let me explain.
After we parted, you gave me the wrong room card and I ended up in Raymond's bed and I'm back.
That's the edited version.
Well, I've got a splitting headache.
- I nearly had a splitting - It's all right, I get the picture.
- Wait.
Did you say police cell? - Oh, no, no, it was nothing.
After I explained everything they let me off and told me not to do it again.
Oh, good.
I don't know.
It's very easy to slip back into these things.
(Knock on door) Oh, flowers! How lovely.
Ben, you shouldn't have.
Oh.
You didn't.
It's from Raymond.
"Last night, my dear, you opened my eyes.
"When will they see you again?" Seems I've made a conquest.
I don't think so, Susan.
This is addressed to Johnny Stud.
(Ben) Hello? (Susan) Anyone home? Hi, Mum.
Hi, Dad.
Have a nice weekend? - Shall we put these in water? - Yes.