Never Have I Ever (2020) s03e05 Episode Script

1
["Muchas" by Myd feat. Cola Boyy playing]
[McEnroe] In the life of a teenage girl,
there is no greater hell
than waiting for a boy to text you.
Come on. Come on.
Hey, is my phone working?
Ugh!
[McEnroe] Especially when there were
so many reasons why he should text.
Like you'd been cute together.
You had great chemistry.
Also, there was this.
Well, um
Can I text you sometime?
[McEnroe] So for that little punk
to send nothing was pretty frickin' rude.
[Devi speaking]
[McEnroe] Teenage boys, however,
aren't really known for their manners.
So sadly, it looks like Devi
was being straight-up ghosted.
- [phone dings]
- [McEnroe] Or was she?
Yes. Yes, she was.
[sighs in frustration]
[McEnroe] Come on, stupid wildfire,
read the room.
["Muchas" continues playing]
Mmm I don't know, guys. I don't think
I'm gonna hear back from him.
Unless my phone isn't working.
- It's working.
- It's definitely working.
Right. Yep.
[sighs] Man. I thought we had a spark,
but I guess I was wrong.
I mean, Des was a Palisades ten
with a legit social life, and I'm like a
- Sherman Oaks eight with two friends.
- I did not need that chime in, Fab.
Sorry.
At least I got to flirt a little.
It's been a while since I did that.
Maybe that's the problem.
Maybe your vibe's gotten dusty,
like when you don't drive a car
for a few months.
What are you talkin' about?
People can tell when someone
hasn't hooked up in a while.
Your aura gets all cobwebby,
and you turn invisible
to potential lovers.
Take Mrs. Paloma for example.
[beeping]
Shit. I didn't even see her there.
Like I said, totally invisible.
I can hear you guys.
And for your information,
I am very happily married,
even though we sleep in separate bedrooms.
- [Fabiola exhales]
- Sorry, Mrs. Paloma.
Anyway, I think I've made my point.
Yep. So, what do I do?
You just have to kiss someone,
like, anyone.
Morning. Picking up
on some juicy girl talk. What did I miss?
Just talking about how weird stuff gets
when you haven't kissed in a long time.
Oh. Right.
In Devi's life. Not in anyone else's life.
[laughing awkwardly]
So, how do I kiss someone?
You should do it
at the drama club's coffeehouse tonight.
It's the sexiest night of the year.
We all dress kind of French,
and the maintenance staff
turns the lights down low,
and everyone sneaks off
into the classrooms to make out.
Also, it's for charity.
We're raising money
to help climate refugees learn improv.
Yes, and the ocean's dying.
[McEnroe] Maybe Eleanor was right.
Maybe Des hadn't texted Devi
because her vibes
were covered in dust bunnies.
Perhaps mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
was just what she needed.
Yep. Let's do this. I'm gonna kiss someone
at the coffeehouse.
[Principal Grubbs] Okay, Mr. Hall-Yoshida.
Did you have a chance to make that list
of colleges you want to apply to?
Where is Ms. Warner?
Our college counselor
is hiking the Pacific Crest Trail
after a bad breakup.
So I will be
temporarily filling in for her
because I definitely have the time
to work an extra job. [chuckles]
- Okay. Well, these are my top choices.
- [Principal Grubbs] Oh.
This is a good mix
of safeties and targets.
Mmm, some are a bit out of reach.
But my grades are good now.
You know, colleges are looking
for well-rounded students.
Grades aside,
with you not swimming anymore,
you don't have any extracurriculars.
Trent and I tried to start
a beer pong team,
but you said it was illegal.
I stand by that.
Are there any clubs you can join?
[sighs] I don't
Clubs are kind of for dorks.
- Okay. What about community service?
- Mmm
FYI, if you say community service
is for dorks, that makes you a bad person.
Fine. What do you want me to do?
Like, clean up a beach
or sing to an old person.
In the interest of time,
maybe start with something here.
The drama club is hosting
a charity coffeehouse tonight.
- Why not volunteer for that?
- All right.
So, does that mean I have to,
like, talk to the drama club kids?
Okay. See you later, Mom.
Gotta go to a quick charity thing so
Dressed like a streetwalker?
Nope. No, no, no. Stay right there.
- Put this on.
- [grunts]
This is Pati's Costco sweater.
The pockets are filled
with used sample cups.
Oh, are you moving out tonight?
We just started being nice to each other.
- I've always been nice to you.
- Which is what makes this so much harder.
- [chuckles]
- [Kamala] Come here.
Okay, you'll have to give me
a copy of your key, so I can visit you
and have my friends over
whenever you're at work.
To study.
If you'd like to study, Devi,
you can do it in this beautiful home
I've worked my entire life
to provide for you.
Okay, fine. Jeez, Mom.
[chuckles]
[sighs] I'll miss you, Kamala. Bye.
[door opens, closes]
Kamala, come on.
This is really, really unnecessary.
Your grandmother's She's stubborn,
but she will soften over time.
Twenty years later, do you see
how much eye contact she makes with me?
I understand, but I need to figure out
what's happening with Manish on my own.
You can figure it out here.
Just keep it really, really, really secret
until your grandmother dies.
That probably isn't that far away.
Her mother only lived till
Oh, yeah, right.
Her mother's still alive. She's 104.
Listen, I know that Pati might be
the initial reason for my move,
but I'm actually excited
to live on my own.
Well, if I can't talk you out of it
[inhales deeply]
at least let me help you move.
[swing jazz music playing]
[McEnroe] Devi arrived
at Eleanor's coffeehouse
very clear on the mission at hand.
She was gonna find a cute boy
and suck the face right off of him.
Consensually, of course.
Hi!
Dang, dude. The student lounge
is looking straight up romantique.
I know, right?
It was inspired by an erotic dream I had
about the Phantom of the Opera.
So, how do I do this kiss thing?
I mean, I can't just go up to someone
and be like, "Nice mouth. Can I kiss it?"
Wait. Can I? Was that cool?
Do whatever feels natural, but also do it
while you're waiting tables.
- What?
- Sorry.
When it was time to assign jobs,
none of the drama club kids
wanted to do anything but perform.
So I had to ask
all our friends to work here.
[Devi] Oh, okay.
Thank you.
[peppy music playing]
Hey, can I get you guys something?
I know looking at you makes me thirsty
for a tall drink of water.
[snorts] Good God, Devi,
that was pathetic.
Are you the charity
we're raising money for tonight?
[chuckling]
What the hell? You just cockblocked me.
- You can't cockblock someone
- Fine, you clam jammed me.
[McEnroe] Never heard that one before.
What are you doing
aside from embarrassing yourself?
Well, if you must know,
Eleanor says I need to kiss someone
to make my sexual vibes less dusty.
Mmm, yeah, I guess it has been
a while for you, huh?
You're one to talk.
How many people have you kissed
since Aneesa dumped your ass?
Your dad doesn't count.
Maybe I haven't hooked up in a while,
but by choice,
not by circumstance like you.
Mmm. Well, I bet
that I kiss someone tonight and you don't.
Mmm, Devi. Sweet, simple, stupid Devi.
Your mouth is writing a check
that your lips can't cash.
But these babies are the whole damn bank.
- You suck.
- Yeah, someone's face!
Yeah. That was good.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Paxton? What are you doing here?
I told Eddie Tan I'm not interested
in getting She's All That- ed.
What? No, I'm volunteering.
Eleanor said I should
help you out back here in the
kitchen.
Oh, well, okay.
When someone orders coffee,
we pour some coffee into a cup.
And when someone orders a cookie,
we give them one
out of this Entenmann's box.
Doesn't seem like you need two people
to do that, so I'll just chill over here.
Thanks.
Hey. Can I get two coffees for my table?
Coming right up.
So, how's the table waiting going?
It's good. [sighs]
- How's the coffee pouring going?
- Good.
Good. Okay.
- Um, see you in a bit.
- Bye.
- So you guys hooking up?
- What?
No. [scoffs]
Definitely not.
It's crazy you would say that.
All right. Guess I was wrong.
Yeah, you are wrong
because Aneesa and I are just friends.
Okay.
[inhales sharply]
But just out of curiosity though,
what would make you think
we were hooking up?
I don't know. It seemed like you guys
were into each other.
Really? She seemed
like she was into me too?
What's happening here?
Okay, so Aneesa and I did kiss.
Like a million months ago.
But you can't tell anyone.
Who would I tell?
I don't know anyone
who would care about that information.
I haven't even told Devi or Eleanor
because I don't want to out Aneesa,
and I don't want to make
our friend group weird [inhales]
but you're the first person
to notice something. So what do you think?
Why haven't you guys kissed again?
I don't know. It's like
we've been hanging out all the time,
and there's this weird tension between us,
but neither one of us
will make the first move.
So just make the first move then.
I don't really know how to do that.
I do.
All right, David.
You picked out your victim yet?
I've got my sights set
on flannel and denim at table three.
Mmm, Damian and Lucas?
They're together. As in boyfriends.
What about the third one?
He seems kind of straight.
He's wearing a feather boa.
[Devi] I did not see that.
David, let me save you some time.
Most guys at drama club events are
either dragged here by their girlfriends
or are looking for boyfriends.
The only exception I see
is Alejandro over there.
Damn it.
If you want to call it quits,
we can save you further embarrassment
and just say that I won.
You didn't win.
You're doing just as badly as I am.
That's because I haven't even tried yet.
Drama club may not have
a lot of options for you,
but I am swimming in possibilities.
No one's hornier than a theater girl.
Uh, look at them.
That whole table's wearing corsets.
[Devi] Whoa.
All I have to do
to attract them is just pull up my hoodie
and look a little tortured.
Okay. Hey, give my gender a little credit.
Ben, right? You seem like
you're really going through something.
If you want to talk,
my friends and I are just over there
practicing our British accents.
- [jazz music ends]
- [students applauding and cheering]
Oh my God. Fine. You win.
Go on over there and smooch away.
Nah, I'm I'm gonna wait.
You know. Weigh my options. [sighs]
You always throw out the first pancake.
[scoffs] You are so cocky.
This sucks.
Tonight was supposed to be
my reintroduction into sexy society,
but how am I supposed to break
my dry spell if I can't find anyone to
[singing in Spanish]
[McEnroe]
What you are witnessing right now
is a fairly common phenomenon
that happens to almost every teen girl.
It is the moment when an unremarkable dork
is given a guitar and suddenly becomes
the hottest man in the world.
Scientists call it the Ed Sheeran effect.
There is no known cure.
I know who I'm gonna kiss.
Kamala, look at this place.
It's so soulless and bland.
I was hoping for something a little bit
more funky eclectic like an Ace Hotel,
but this is one of the only options
that came pre-furnished.
You know what else is pre-furnished?
My house and the room
you live in for free.
- Auntie.
- What?
Did you even take a look at the bathroom?
It's carpeted.
It's really not very sanitary.
If the worst part about this place is
that it's carpeted, I think I can deal.
[knocking on door]
Hi, are you new here? I'm Kayley.
- I live next door.
- [chuckling]
Hello, I'm Kamala.
I'm so excited to be your neighbor.
Maybe I'll come over and borrow
a cup of sugar from you sometime.
I'm not allowed to have carbs.
Are you her momager?
What is that? And
And why are there so many children here?
Everyone who lives at the Pinewoods
is either an aspiring child actor
or a parent who has quit their job
so that their child can provide
for the family instead.
[girl] Mom, you don't sound
like a cop at all.
How am I supposed to nail this audition
when you're giving me nothing?
That's Cecilia.
She's so talented, but her mom can be
a real dumb bitch sometimes.
Okay, children. Thank you very much.
Back to your parents
or whoever your legal guardians may be.
- [Kayley] Come on, guys.
- Thank you very much.
Thanks for visiting.
You cannot live here.
[speaking indistinctly]
Hey! Great string work, Alejandro.
I should know. I'm a harpist.
Wow, the the harp is very complicated.
Yeah, it is. And I thought I should
let you know that I'm down to pluck.
[McEnroe] I feel embarrassed for her,
but it does seem to be working on him.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, want to take a walk with me?
I am indeed most charmed, Mr. Gross.
Right.
All right.
What if you just asked her on a date?
- Show me how you'd do that.
- Yep, yep, yep. Okay.
[clears throat]
[exhales deeply]
Hey, Aneesa, would you like to go
to a restaurant, just the two of us?
Or, uh, we can invite all of our friends,
or whatever you want to do.
- Okay.
- Was it bad?
Yeah.
[Fabiola] Because I mention
inviting our friend group?
No. What you say doesn't matter.
- How you say it is everything.
- Hmm.
Watch.
[romantic music playing]
Hey, Aneesa.
You wanna go out to a restaurant,
just the two of us?
Or we can invite all of our friends.
Whatever you want.
Oh my God. I don't even like men,
and that worked for me.
I know. Just use a lot of eye contact.
Phoebe is a lucky girl.
Do you talk to her like this all the time?
Um
Yeah. I mean, we don't really talk
all that much.
We mostly
You know? [chuckles]
But, um, maybe?
Oh. Um
Sorry. That made my relationship
sound bad, but it's not.
It's actually exactly
what I want right now.
- To have a girlfriend you don't talk to?
- No, we do talk.
I just mean,
you know, simplicity.
Like, I know she's your good friend,
but Devi is really complicated.
That is not untrue.
Stuff with her was always so confusing.
I just feel like it's my last year
of high school,
and I want something that's easy,
and fun, and doesn't make my brain hurt.
Well, then I hope Phoebe
is exactly what you're looking for.
She is.
Cool.
Um, thank you for the tips.
And may I say,
I am frightened by the powers you possess.
Whew!
So, unfortunately, my niece
can no longer take the apartment.
So just give her deposit back.
We'll be on our way,
and this gorgeous room will be available
for whatever talented child
comes across it next.
Why would you wanna leave? Okay?
Some casting execs are coming by next week
to scout for Young Sheldon's new bully.
Sir, I am not a child performer.
I am an adult.
Well, the Pinewoods has plenty
of adult performers as well, okay?
But if you're gonna film in the room,
I do ask that you put down a tarp.
Oh God.
She is not staying. Just give us
the paperwork so we can leave.
All right. You can get out of your lease.
But I'm keeping the deposit.
No, no, no, no.
That was my first month, last month,
and three months in the middle.
- That's That's all my money.
- That's all your money.
Well, you should consider
being an adult performer then.
[scoffs]
Ow. Did you just bite my tongue?
[sighing] Yeah, I'm a little bit wicked.
Are you scared?
I can safely say I am.
Stella! You're on next.
My art calls. Maybe I'll see you later,
and I can bite something else.
No, thank you.
For the record,
I was not into any of that.
No judgment here. You do you.
Wait, Aneesa. Look, I know
that we haven't talked much in a while,
and this is certainly
a bizarre interaction to get us chatting,
but I owe you an apology.
Fabiola told me I was a real douchebag
to you when we were together
Fabiola said that to you?
Yeah. Right after she made me barf.
Don't worry about it.
Anyways, I'm really sorry.
I appreciate the apology.
It must have been hard to say
with your tongue all bitten up.
- [laughs]
- So, uh, you and Stella pretty serious?
- Do I hear wedding bells?
- No, I don't think so.
Plus, I think she's already in
a committed relationship with the night.
- [laughs]
- What about you? Are you seeing anyone?
Nah, not really. [inhales deeply]
I mean, there might be someone.
Oh, really? Who?
Just a friend.
I really liked your song.
It was really nice.
[Alejandro] Thank you.
Let me give you some advice.
Do not fall for a friend.
Even if it feels
like a good idea at the time,
you are just setting yourself up
to be miserable.
[Devi chuckles]
Ben, you're in no position to give me
romantic advice about anything, okay?
- Okay. I was just trying to help.
- You did. You showed me what not to do.
[McEnroe] Devi had stolen away
with her angel-voiced crooner,
and now there was
only one thing left to do.
There's something about tonight,
don't you think?
Maybe it's the smell of Sumatra dark roast
or just the electricity.
Can I kiss you?
I would love that.
[romantic guitar music playing]
[McEnroe] Yikes. Those lights
are certainly illuminating.
[Principal Grubbs] Okay, that's it.
Everyone stop making out.
The coffeehouse is closed.
This is a school.
Not the red-light district.
[students murmuring]
Ugh.
Oh, yeah, that pairing makes sense to me.
So, do you want to be my girlfriend now?
Full disclosure,
I do not believe in monogamy.
And I'm already in serious relationships
with several avatars in the virtual world.
Alejandro, let's not spoil tonight
by trying
to shackle ourselves with commitment.
Time to go, you little perverts.
Don't make me turn the sprinklers on.
Paxton, hey,
how'd your first community service go?
Hopefully,
it won't be your last, right? [chuckles]
No, it won't be my last.
- Hi, you wanna head out with me?
- Yeah.
- I actually liked helping out.
- That's fantastic.
It's good to know tonight broadened
at least one student's horizons
and wasn't just some
school-sanctioned orgy.
- [chuckles]
- [door opens]
Were y'all fooling around in the chem lab?
Come on now, that's just nasty.
[laughs]
Hey, having a good night?
Yeah, I actually am.
Looks like it.
Every time I see you these days,
you're like chillin'
with a different dude.
Are you, like, a player now?
Basically. Oh, are you worried
that I'm going to steal your thunder?
Mmm, little bit. Little bit.
Mmm.
So look, I'm sorry
about the last time we spoke,
that I thought you would care
about me being with Phoebe.
[inhales deeply]
You've obviously way moved on.
Yeah. Wait, I am so sorry.
What's your name again? Paxil?
- Damn, she's cold.
- [Devi] Mm-hmm.
All right.
I'll see you around, heartbreaker.
[McEnroe] And with that,
Devi knew for certain
her vibes had already changed.
[Kamala] I'm trapped here.
I can't lose that money.
I'm such an idiot.
You're not an idiot.
I just wanted to prove
that I could be independent,
and now I'm stuck living here
at this creepy Hollywood orphanage.
Maybe Pati was right.
Maybe I can't make decisions for myself.
What if I'm wrong about Manish too?
Kamala.
You're a brilliant young woman
who is perfectly capable
of making decisions for yourself.
Sure, this apartment is far from perfect,
and your neighbors remind me
of the children in horror films.
I think they are the children
in horror films. Like, literally.
But you're right.
You need to stand on your own.
Have I ever told you about
the first apartment Mohan and I lived in?
Our toilet was next to the refrigerator,
and our upstairs neighbor
was the 210 Freeway.
[scoffs] Wow, that explains why you need
such a loud alarm to wake you up.
You can do this.
You mean stay here?
Mm-hmm. I think it'll be good for you.
At the very least, it'll be a fun tale
to one day tell your children.
And
you can always come home for dinner
whenever you need to get away.
[knocking on door]
Hey. If you're interested,
Cecilia stole one of her mom's beers,
and we're gonna drink it in the hot tub
with the boy band from 5C.
Can I come home for dinner tonight?
Yes, I think you should.
["Hotel Delmano" by MUNYA playing]
Aneesa, I need to tell you something.
Should we like date?
I think we like each other, right?
Should we be more than friends?
Yeah. I-I'm down for that.
Really? [chuckles]
[chuckles]
Cool.
Wow, eye contact is for real.
So, do I look
a little less invisible to you now?
[gasps]
No way. You kissed someone? Who?
It doesn't matter.
All that matters is that I'm back
to being a person who bangs.
Lips onto lips.
Yay. OMG, tonight was amazing,
and maybe you were off
with your mystery man,
but did you notice how many girls
were, like, fawning over Alejandro?
I mean, he's a beautiful singer,
but I really hope
no one hooked up with him
because he had, like, a super bad cold.
All day. Like ultra-phlegmy.
Hey.
Oh. [chuckles]
How'd it go?
Pretty great.
You're looking at someone
who's done some kissing this evening.
Mmm. Well, so are you.
Oh.
[McEnroe] Devi,
you seem a little jealous there.
- Was it drama girl?
- Yep.
Well, look at us.
Two people sucking faces and taking names.
[chuckles] Yeah. I guess so.
All right, I should go. Good night, Ben.
Good night, Devi.
["Eres Tú" by Carla Morrison playing]
[door lock beeps]
["Eres Tú" continues playing]