Night Court (2023) s03e05 Episode Script

1
So the restaurant
is fully booked?
Oh! Say you're Steve Martin!
What if I said
[Nerdy voice]
I'm Steve Martin?
[Normal voice] Hello?
[ Groans ]
It's impossible to get a weekend
dinner reservation in this city.
I can't keep asking my dates
to come with a full stomach.
It It's creepy as hell.
I finally got into that NYU
study for extreme sleepwalking.
All it took was
security footage of me
in pajamas driving
that city bus.
- So what about you, Judge?
- Any fun weekend plans?
- You know she doesn't.
- She's just gonna lie
and give us the plot
to a '90s movie.
So you knew I wasn't coaching
a Jamaican bobsled
team last weekend?
Alright, look.
Jake's out of town,
so my life's been
kind of boring lately,
but next weekend, I am
driving across country
in my blue convertible
with my best friend
Thelma and
Whatever! Just call court!
The People vs. Jane Doe.
- A living Jane Doe.
- How refreshing.
When the defendant was arrested,
she refused to give her name
and threw her wallet into
the water of a hot-dog cart.
Please take off your
hat and glasses.
I only allow anonymity in my
courtroom during Secret Santa.
You're Mayim Bialik!
TV's Blossom is
in our courtroom!
Can we not make a
big deal out of it?
I put my pants on
one leg at a time
just like any other five-time
Emmy-nominated
actress with a PhD.
- You don't understand.
- When I was a kid,
I would pretend that I was
best friends with Blossom.
I could do your entire dance
from the opening credits.
Is this like that
"Blossom" episode
where a stolen item
turned up at a garage sale
that you and Six were hosting?
I physically assaulted a guy.
Dr. Bialik was dining
in a vegan restaurant
when she attacked the
chef with a tofurken,
which is like a
turducken, but for no one.
Your Honor, the restaurant
claims to be vegan,
so can you imagine
my client's outrage
when she discovered
the secret menu item,
which was a bacon sandwich
where the bread is steaks?
- Okay.
- I-I think I've heard enough.
Um, not guilty.
And I fine the
restaurant $10 million.
It's a vegan restaurant!
They don't have
that kind of money.
- You're right.
- I can't be fair.
But good luck finding a judge
who isn't a huge "Blossom" fan!
♪
I can't believe I totally
embarrassed myself
in front of Mayim Bialik.
Younger me is so
pissed right now,
she's going through
another goth phase.
Who cares what an actor thinks?
Though I guess if we
had paid more attention
to John Wilkes Booth,
things might have
shaken out differently.
Oh. She's still here.
You think I should talk to
her and try to redeem myself?
Oh, Abby, yeah.
I And I mean this from
the bottom of my heart.
I don't care.
I just don't want to
sound like some stalker.
You can't pull off stalker.
I could totally buy you
as lonely Victorian ghost.
Okay. I'm gonna
introduce myself.
Gonna play it supes cool.
50 bucks says she passes out
before they make eye contact.
I don't bet on friends.
Told you I could take
the moral high ground.
Pay up, Sandy.
Hi, Abby. My name is Mayim.
I mean, your name is Abby.
I mean, I'm Ab-im. No. No
one's Ab-im. Apologies.
I'm sorry. A-Are you
okay? Do you need help?
I'm a doctor, but not that kind.
I was just trying to say hello,
- but I'll stop bothering you now.
- You know what? Please don't.
Everyone assumes
when you're famous,
you've got tons going on.
but honestly my
life's pretty boring.
I've stretched out my
skincare routine to 17 steps.
Mine's at 18!
You know, sometimes
I play a game
where I take a melatonin and see
how many I can get
through before I pass out.
- I play the same game!
- Ohh!
Okay. I'm just
gonna shoot my shot.
Is there any chance
you'd want
Do the "Blossom" opening
credits dance with you?
Do you have any idea how many
people ask me to do that?
Zero. I'd love to.
Amazing!
Um, Siri, play my
wedding processional.
[ "Blossom" theme plays ]
Stop all your fussin',
slap on a smile ♪
Come out and walk in
the sun for a while ♪
Huh. So dancing
can be nonsexual.
I can't believe I
danced with Blossom!
You know, I've actually done a
lot of things besides "Blossom."
"Call Me Kat." "The
Big Bang Theory."
Huh. You were in that?
I only remember the girl
with the high voice.
She was great.
Well, that's it!
Society is officially crumbling!
Time to fill your
bathtubs with water
and melt all your fillings.
Did someone see a
dog in a sweater?
Oh! No! Worse than that.
I'm running for the elevator
because the doors are closing.
I yell at the dude
inside, "Hold it!"
He does nothing. What
happened to civility?
You know, what
happened to the days
of three-martini lunches
and - and gentlemen with
big ideas like war?
- You're not wrong.
- Ever try to get
the new Travis Scott Nikes?
Hm?
Forgot who I was talking to.
But that's the world.
What can you do?
Oh, no. I'm gonna do
something, you know.
Because as those doors
were closing, I reached in
to try and stop
them, grabbed this.
When I find the owner
of this pocket square,
there will be a reckoning.
This gets a reckoning,
but when someone pants'ed
me in court, nothing?
Guess who just had the most
fun weekend of their life.
It wasn't me. I couldn't
get a dinner reservation,
so I put a chef's hat on my mom
and pretended her
apartment was a pop-up.
But then word got out
and I couldn't get
a reservation there, either.
- It was me.
- I had the fun weekend.
- Oh.
- Did you finally start
that "Little House on
the Prairie" OnlyFans?
Mayim and I hung out,
and we had the best time.
We went shopping. We
prank-called Joey Lawrence.
She snuck me into
a Mensa meeting.
I got to wear glasses.
We have different ideas of
what makes a fun weekend.
So you and your new
celebrity friend
spent the whole
weekend together?
Yeah, and some of this morning.
She was at my apartment
when I woke up.
- Ah.
- She came by with a gift.
Oh.
It's a picture of
you fast asleep.
Taken without your knowledge.
Oh, this doesn't raise
any red flags, does it?
She brought me a gift and
wants to be around me?
No. It's flattering.
I mean, if she's
obsessed with me at all,
it's in a totally
normal and healthy way.
[ Electricity crackles ]
Hey! Just a reminder!
Even in the dark, we
can hear your zippers!
Abby?! Are you okay?!
This feels healthy.
- Mayim.
- What are you doing here?
Well, I was just in
the neighborhood,
and it's a good thing I
was 'cause it looks like
my best friend needs a lantern!
And on the bright side,
now you can't work,
so there's nothing
to keep us apart.
Great. It's like a snow day.
Except everyone is scared.
Hey. Where's your hat?
[ Knock on door ]
You wanted to talk?
Is this about my not
wearing a bra to work?
Because I have a doctor's note
saying that I don't need one.
I actually just
wanted to circle back
on the stuff you were
saying about Mayim.
Oh, you mean the fact that
she's a textbook stalker?
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Yeah, she's a little clingy,
and I'm pretty sure she
chewed through a power line
and blamed it on
a family of rats,
but "stalker" makes
her sound crazy.
The question is, what
type of stalker? Hmm.
Does she want you
all to herself,
like in "Fatal Attraction"?
Is it a "Single White Female"
where she wants to be you?
Or is it the Julianne Special
where she just wants
your whole life destroyed
while looking fabulous doing it?
I think we just need to have a
conversation about boundaries.
I mean, how is she
supposed to know
I don't want her digging
through my trash?
She's not a mind-reader.
Let me talk to Mayim.
Now, I have a little free time
since the oligarch I'm
dating was poisoned again.
But, you know, the good news is,
if she is a stalker, you
really don't have to worry
until she infiltrates
your social circle.
[ All laughing ]
We are so excited to welcome
you into our social circle.
Well, I am so excited
to be welcomed.
And I'm really sorry
about your sleep issues.
I'm a neuroscientist,
so I can get you
into the sleep study
all the celebrities use.
That would be incredible.
I can't keep waking
up in Delaware.
Ohh!
And, Wyatt, if you ever need
to impress a date, let me know.
I'm a neuroscientist,
so I can get you
into all the best
restaurants under the city.
Don't you mean in the city?
[Whispers] No.
[ Gasps ] What
That's so nice!
And if there's anything
we can do for you
Well, actually, I'd love to
pick your brains about Abby.
You know, small stuff
like favorite foods,
allergies, reaction
time when startled.
Are you throwing her
a surprise party?
Sure.
So just put all those
tidbits in a list.
And if there's anything she's
touched, that would be great
'cause I could use
her fingerprints.
Uh, for the party!
I just need security
footage from one elevator.
Well, if you don't have
access to it, who does?
What do you mean
"the highest bidder"?
That's a beautiful
pocket square.
Oh, yeah, it belongs
to a Grade-A jackass
who doesn't hold elevators.
When the small niceties crumble,
is society so far behind?
That's exactly what I said!
But he remains at large,
looking ridiculous
without a without
a single pop of color.
Well, maybe I can help.
You know, as a neuroscientist,
I studied the effects
of sewing on the brain.
This was clearly stitched
by a man in his early 80s,
French-Canadian.
Straddling two worlds
but belonging in neither.
Wait a minute. That describes
only one haberdasher
in New York
Jacques Bernard!
But he's never gonna
reveal his client list.
Well, he would if we
had his granddaughter.
Just hypothetically.
I-I'll get us some coffee.
We'll find his weakness.
And maybe a Danish?
Two coffees, please.
Hello, Mayim.
Interesting to see you spending
so much time in a place
that's basically
an indoor bus stop.
You must really care about Abby.
- Well, who wouldn't?
- She's a special person.
Alright. Spare me, stalker.
I know that you are nuttier
than a bag of trail mix.
Uh, Julianne, you
have me all wrong.
I'm not a stalker. I'm
just a regular gal.
Where would I even find
a woman-sized birdcage?
It would take the type of money
that only a regular cast member
on several genre-defining
sitcoms could afford.
Am I right, girlfriend?
- Hey, Dan.
- Have you seen Julianne?
I haven't been
able to reach her.
Have you tried a step stool?
- Good news, Dan!
- I got the lab results and
- Oh. Hi, Abby.
- Mayim. You're here.
Right in the bull's-eye
of my social circle.
She's using science
to help me track down
the owner of the pocket square.
Probably better than my method,
just screaming at strangers.
I analyzed the fabric
and found traces
of egg, sausage,
and horseradish.
Horseradish. That is the
sandwich at the cafeteria!
They use the horseradish
to mask the taste
of the salmonella!
You know what? I'm gonna
call the local E.R.
See who they've admitted today.
- [ Chuckles ]
- That Dan is really something.
I know all you see is
a gruff curmudgeon,
but give him a chance.
He'll really surprise you.
- Hey!
- I'm always surprised by Dan!
If I was one of those
goats that fainted
whenever they were surprised,
I'd never be awake!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know
what you're worried about.
You do?
You're not gonna lose me.
In fact, let's find brothers
and marry them right now.
I would, but I I really
need to find Julianne.
Julianne? Tall woman,
slim, not a neuroscientist?
She mentioned something about
wanting to take some time off
and not wanting
anyone to bother her.
If I were you, I'd never
think about her again.
There's something I
need to tell you guys.
It's gonna sound crazy.
Just hear me out.
I think Mayim
kidnapped Julianne.
- My Mayim?
- She's my Mayim.
What? She's not your
Mayim or your Mayim.
She's my Mayim, and
she's only talking to you
to get closer to me!
Someone is full of themselves.
Judge, should we be
worried about you?
Are you chewing nicotine gum
instead of regular gum again?
Because you know that
gives you the zoomies.
Nicotine gum. Remember to
add that to Mayim's list
- under "Frequent Blunders."
- What list?
Well, it was supposed
to be a surprise,
but she has a list of things
she wants to know about you.
That's right. The woman
you accused of being insane
actually cares so
much about you,
she wants to know your
Social Security number,
the duration of your
menstrual cycle
Oh. Now I hear it.
I don't feel good about
breaking into Mayim's apartment.
We're not breaking in.
We're entering with permission
and snooping without.
- I don't want to upset Mayim.
- She got me in to see the doctor
that cured Usain Bolt's
restless legs syndrome.
Imagine how fast
that leg was going.
And I have dinner
reservations under her name.
I don't want to
burn any bridges.
You don't want to
burn any bridges
with a kidnapping stalker?!
Not until Sunday.
Okay. We'll be subtle.
Mayim can't have any
clue we're onto her.
- What are you guys
- [ All scream ]
- Hey! Hey!
- This wasn't my choice!
I'm sleepwalking!
Um, you know, we were just,
uh, stopping by to tell you
that I found brothers
for us to marry.
I'd love to hear more about it.
Why don't you come in?
And, uh, pardon the
mess. I just remodeled.
Huh. It's super dark in here.
Oh. I'll get the lights.
[ Gasps ]
Whoa!
Well, this is cozy.
You see? She turned her
apartment into my office.
Except better!
Oh. Julianne. You're
safe and alive.
You're alive and you're alive,
and we're all gonna
stay that way, right?
You're so clever.
I'm gonna drop this
in the kitchen.
- Don't worry.
- We're here to save you.
- Save me?
- I'm having a wonderful time.
You know, Mayim is
deliciously bonkers.
Wait. So this isn't
as bad as it seems?
- Oh, no. It is.
- You're not safe here.
Didn't you get my texts?
Ah. Yeah, I got 'em, and I
came to Crazytown anyway!
Of course I didn't
get the texts!
Ah. They didn't go through.
Sorry. Your devices
won't work in here.
This is a cellular dead zone.
I don't like distractions.
The only downside is if
something terrifying happens,
you can't call for help.
Mayim! Look! So listen. The
cafeteria gave me all their
[ Chuckles ] Just a sec.
[ Knock on door ]
So, hey, Mayim!
Nope. Still weird.
Okay. Well, I guess
we should be going.
Oh.
- No. Please.
- Make yourselves comfortable.
[ Locks clicking ]
In my opinionation, you're
gonna be here a long time.
[ "Blossom" theme playing ]
Stop all your fussin' ♪
Abby, isn't this fun?
This is your dream, right?
- It's everything I wanted.
- [ Chuckles nervously ]
You know what? Actually
- [ Music shuts off ]
- Let's take a break.
It's time for my surprise.
Don't go anywhere.
Kidding. You can't.
Okay. We don't know
how much time we have
- to find a way out of here.
- Yeah, yeah. Come on.
[ Rattling ] Listen.
We can take her!
There's only one of
her, and there's
four and a half of us!
- Really?
- We're in mortal danger,
and you're still
making height jokes?
Oh, the unexpected
timing makes it funnier.
Maybe we can go
through the window!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Gasps ]
Maybe we can go
through the brick wall!
- No need, Wyatt.
- If I can sleepwalk my way
into the Met Gala, I can
sleepwalk us out of here.
Now, hush!
Oh, shoot. I can't sleep
without my retainer!
Okay. The remote is the
only way out of here.
We just need to figure out a way
to distract her long
enough to steal it.
So how do I look?
So it is "Single White Female."
I read you as
"Fatal Attraction."
Oh. My bad. [ Snorts ]
Mayim, what do you want from me?
- Isn't it obvious, Abby?
- I want your life.
Excuse me. You could pick
any life in the city,
and you chose hers?
You know Kelly Ripa lives here?
Abby has it all.
I want a coworker best friend,
a debonair surrogate
dad, a hot nerd,
a "will they, won't
they" with a cougar
fresh out of her cage.
I think you're misreading
that relationship.
Oh, she's not.
Oh. Best-friend selfie?
I can get the remote
just like snatching
a pocket square
from that jerk in the elevator.
You know, Mayim, I gotta
be honest with you.
I don't care anymore.
I don't care what
you do to Abby.
You can be her. You can
cook her. I don't care.
All I care about is the
vulgarian who took my dignity.
Now, will you help me go
through these receipts or not?
I think that would be kind of
rude to my other prisoners.
Yes, we could ask someone
who's not a
neuroscientist to do it.
- Well, that's dumb.
- Give me those.
Okay. Good. You know, there
was an interesting one
- Ohh!
- Yeah, yeah, I got it!
- What are you
- Abby! Here!
We're getting out of here!
- See you in hell, Bialik.
- Come on.
[ Sour alert tones ]
- [ Shrieks ]
- Sorry.
Only works with my fingerprints.
Come on. That's,
like, Evil Genius 101.
Abby, I thought
you were my friend.
But if you're not my friend,
then you're my enemy.
And there's only one
thing to do to an enemy.
And scene! Scene. Scene.
- That was amazing!
- How did it feel?
- It felt good.
- It felt really, really right.
Can someone explain
what's going on?
Oh. Everybody, this is Bryan.
He's my acting coach.
This whole thing has
been character research
for playing the role of
a stalker in a new play.
"The Cable Gal." What?!
Why? Who wants this?
I'm really sorry for
the inconvenience,
but I had no choice.
It was the only way I could get
authentic reactions from you.
Chills. I have chills.
All this for a play?
Rich people really do
love to waste money.
I've got to tell you, Mayim.
As far as actors go, I
mean, you've got my respect.
You had me the whole time.
Uh, except when you
called Wyatt hot.
Then I [Trumpets lips]
got out of it a little bit.
But just a little bit.
I do feel much better.
Weirdly not as much as I should.
I'm kind of disappointed
you don't want my life.
Oh. Don't take it personally.
I'm sure there's a lot of
people who would want to be you.
Just not me.
Because, I mean, come
on. I'm Mayim Bialik.
You know what? It was nice of
Mayim to get us into previews.
Hey. Two coffees. She's got it.
Well, I'm just gonna
go ahead and say it.
The play was bad.
The nudity did not
serve the story.
[ Gasps ] Abby, be cool.
You know I can't!
Just Shh! That navy suit.
Look. That's what goes
with this pocket square.
Yeah. Alright, Elevator
scum. Why don't
[ Shrieks ]
[ Head rattling ]
Oh. This box. It's
for you, Abby.
Oh. It's from Mayim.
Aww. She got me a hat.
Oh. There's a card.
It says "I'm so sorry
Aww.
I didn't kill you when
I had the chance."
So was Mayim behind the
pocket square the whole time?
Or is this just her way to play
mind games to get attention?
[Dramatically] I'm gonna
tell you! I hate actors!
It's funny!