Northern Exposure s03e05 Episode Script
Jules et Joel
Trick or treat, money or eats, to our K-Bear listeners from yours truly, Chris Stevens, on this All Hallows'Eve.
For those of you who celebrate the holiday by acting out the Visigoth spirit, oh, say with a little egg throwing or outhouse tipping, I have an important police bulletin.
Please be advised.
Alaska's own InspectorJavert, Officer Barbara Semanski, is on the prowl, having succumbed to the blandishments oflove.
She's given Maurice a reprieve, and she's currently being squired somewhere in the vicinity.
Congrats, Maurice.
Now, the rest of you beware.
Here's a little something for all you ghouls and goblins out there.
Ah.
Ah-ha! Ha! Ha.
Ah-Ah-ha.
Huh? What? Who is it? What? Trick or treat.
What? Trick or treat.
What is this? It's Halloween, dummy.
Just give me some candy.
Halloween's for kids.
You're a little old.
And why do you think I came all the ways up here? They laughed me off the streets in Anchorage.
I don't believe this.
Who are you? Frank Watson.
Just give me some candy- boom- I'm out of your hair.
I don't have any candy.
None? No.
In case you haven't noticed, I live in the middle of nowhere, on a lake so remote it doesn't have a name, miles from any living soul who might chance upon my cabin looking for candy on Halloween.
Okay, okay, okay.
What do you got? I don't know.
I have macaroni and cheese, Pop-Tarts, a banana.
Give me a banana.
No, I will not.
I will not give you my banana.
I'm not gonna give you anything.
No? No.
All right.
How 'bout - Look.
I'll give you a dime, okay? Now do me a favor.
Let me eat my dinner before it gets cold.
A dime? A lousy dime? Hey, Frank, you're lucky I don't have a poison apple.
Okay, pal.
You asked for it.
Hey! Get out! Stop it! Hey! Come back! Ow! All righty.
What are the damages? Well, sir, we got $2,433.
Yeah.
I'm a little short.
I'm gonna have to write you a check.
- You have some I.
D.
, sir? - Vikram, we've been in this cab three days.
- You don't know me by now? - Okay, sir.
Okay.
- All righty.
What's that number again? - $2,433.
What's your last name? - I'll just write it to "Cash.
" - What about the girl, sir? Uh, take her back to- Here you go.
Where the hell was that again? Where'd you say you were from, honey? Manitoba.
Manitoba.
Manitoba, sir.
Manitoba.
Oh, your husband's a lucky man.
Thank you very much, sir.
Have a nice day, sir.
Good-bye.
- Hiya.
How you folks doin'? Fleischman? No.
Don't move.
I love the new look.
Hey, thanks.
Hot.
Very hot.
The feeling is entirely mutual.
It finally happened, didn't it? All that unfocused rage.
You finally snapped.
What's your name, peaches? Huh? You're really creepy sometimes, Fleischman.
I mean it.
Spooky.
Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
Z.
Z.
Top.
Shelly, have you seen Fleischman? Yeah.
I'm actually very worried about him.
He's disoriented, confused, and he's dressed like a loan shark.
- Seemed fine to me.
- Shelly, did you ever think of putting towels in the dispenser? You know, it's a two-step process- first the washing, then the drying.
Oh.
Sorry.
- What? - How'd you do it? - You snuck in the back.
He snuck in the back, right? - Huh? Oh, I get it.
You're in this together.
Come on.
I saw Gaslight.
Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer.
He tries to make her think she's crazy.
- What are you talking about, O'Connell? - Okay.
Fine.
I mean, you went through a lot of trouble, so if you want me to play along, I'll play along.
But just one thing: How did you get that mousse out of your hair? Huh? He's been here for the last half hour.
Oh, yeah, right.
And there's just some Fleischman clone and evil twin stalking the streets of Cicely? Wait, wait.
This clone- He looks like me? - Is this your idea of funny, Fleischman? - Sharkskin suit, lizard shoes, big, gold Magen David? Yeah.
Marilyn, by any chance have I received any unexpected visitors today? He's in there.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Hey, hey, hey.
! He-Hey.
! Oh, no.
Schmegeggie.
Look at you- the doctor, all grown up.
You little putz.
Come here! He-Hey, how are ya? I'm fine, Jules.
Come on.
They don't feed ya up here? Ow.
Ho! Ho! Stop! Cut it out! Ow! Ow! Hey, Ma says you don't write, you're in big trouble.
I'll write! I'll write! All right.
That's better.
Geez.
What are you doing here? I was in the neighborhood.
In the neighborhood? Right.
Are you in trouble? Nah.
Yeah.
You know.
The usual story.
A girl, some money, a missing ledger.
Some people were upset.
It seemed prudent to leave New York.
I'll bet.
How long you gonna stay? Just a couple days.
I wanna check out the Arctic Circle.
Tell you the truth, some of the things I've been involved with- just various improprieties- It's been emotionally very taxing.
Yeah, right.
I could really use a break from myself.
Couldn't you- Wait a second.
Remember we were kids? We used to switch? I'd go to your violin class.
You'd run numbers for Ziggy Goldman.
Jules, come on.
We're adults now.
So what? You used to love being me! You got to boost comic books, pick fights.
You remember? You laid out Moose Mahoney.
Jules.
Ever since your bar mitzvah, it's been work/study, work/study.
You've been so serious.
Joel, I'm a vacation.
And I am a doctor.
I have responsibilities here.
I will not practice medicine.
What? It's so wonderful being locked up inside the HonorableJoel Fleischman 24 hours a day, seven days a week? No.
Absolutely not.
One day.
I'm you, you're me.
No.
And that is that.
I am very happy with myself.
I have no need to go slumming in your persona.
- Ha-Ha.
! - You still got it.
All righty.
You see this quarter? Yeah.
Dollar says I remove this quarter without touchin' the cup.
Just a buck.
What do ya say? I'm in.
Me too.
All right.
Here we go.
You ready? We got a eenie, a meenie, a miney, a mo, a one, two, three and away you go! - There.
It's gone.
- Wow.
It's still there.
Not anymore.
That's real slick.
- Hey, Joel.
- Hey, Joel, your brother here's a real pistol.
Who'd have thought it? Thanks, Maurice.
Come on.
I'll show you my igloo.
Later, guys.
All right.
Thanks for the game.
He-Hey.
Joey, wait up.
What's your hurry? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hey, Fleischman- - Yeah.
I heard.
I didn't believe it.
Believe it, sweetheart.
Joel? Jules.
- Joel? - Joel.
Jules, my brother.
Maggie O'Connell.
We've had the pleasure.
Incredible.
Two of you.
Double your pleasure.
Double your fun.
- Come on, Jules.
- Unbelievable.
Oh, Fleischman? I need a syringe.
- What? - To baste my turkey.
Don't be ridiculous.
Use a spoon.
- You can't shoot butter under the skin with a spoon.
- Right.
A syringe is not a toy, O'Connell.
It's not a cooking utensil.
You know what a syringe is? It's desperate people huddled in filthy stairwells and dark alleys and dank subway platforms.
Fleischman, I'm not a junkie.
Look, if you had a legitimate medical need for a syringe-say, you were a diabetic- - Am I hearing ethics from you? - Let's just say I have one redeeming social value- I don't willy-nilly hand out syringes.
Geez, you never lighten up.
You've got to be the most anal-retentive individual I've ever met.
What? - What? - Nothin'.
I'm not anal-retentive.
Dr.
Fleischman? That's me.
Hey, watch that cholesterol.
Wow, Red Cloud.
Bon chapeau.
What's that? Oh, hello, Joel.
It's rotten fruit.
Well, as a physician, I have to tell you that's a perfect breeding ground for aerobic bacteria, salmonella, streptococcus, cholera.
Yeah.
I'd keep it covered.
I'm not anal-retentive- I'm not, not.
How ya doin'? Yeah.
How ya doin'? I'm not anal-retentive.
Did you call me anal-retentive? Don't call me anal-retentive, 'cause I'm not.
That's right.
I'm not.
Uh, Dr.
Fleischman.
That's me.
Did my test results come in? Uh, yeah, and you got an "A.
" Oh, yeah.
Okay.
We got time for a couple more calls before the big old salsa show.
This is "Mea Culpa.
" You are on the air.
Hello? Sorry, sir.
You're gonna have to speak up.
Chris, are you Abe Stevens's boy? Yeah.
From Marshall County, West Virginia? Yeah.
Do I know you? You know of me.
This is Frank Watson.
Watson? Yeah.
Lasrove R.
V.
Sales? Hauser Menswear? Turner Plumbing Supplies? That Frank Watson? That's you? Yes, it is.
Wow.
Uh, okay, for our audience- About 10 years ago, there was a string of bombings of retail outlets in the greater downtown Wheeling area.
Now, nobody was hurt, but there was substantial property damage, and the suspect, identified as a Mr.
Frank Watson, was never apprehended and is still at large.
I tried to return the sport coat.
The seam split under the arm.
But Wally wouldn't return my money.
Oh, no.
He'd only give me credit.
And that camper shell? First rain, it leaked.
You can understand how I felt.
Well- I mean, the consumerjust doesn't have any other recourse- Maybe not.
Hey, thanks for your call, and, uh- Let me tell you about the commode.
! Sorry, Frank.
The board's all lit up.
Okay, next caller, you're on the air.
All right.
What do you want? I'll have a gimlet, doll face.
- How 'bout a beer? - Perfect.
Excuse me, Shelly.
I'm going to have to return this to the kitchen.
Why? Tell the chef the proper way to prepare salmon is to poach it or steam it only until it turns a lighter shade of pink.
The fish should still be firm to the touch, but flake when prodded with a fork.
Flake.
Okay.
Quintessential Fleischman.
Get us a table.
I'll be right there.
You're layin' it on a bit thick.
Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Oh, no.
I'm Jules.
That's Dr.
Fleischman.
Don't worry.
I won't tell anyone it's you.
How did you know, Ed? Oh, it's an Indian thing.
We're not taken in by appearances.
Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Hey, Fred.
A toast to Alaska's most alluring natural beauty.
You should give your brother some lessons.
What do you mean? Look at him.
All you ever get is one grim note.
- He's so relentlesslyJoel.
- No, no, no.
Joel is really complex.
He has a very refined and subtle sense of humor.
A lot goes on inside that head that you don't know about.
Really? Believe me.
There's a whole range of colors on that palette.
Look, I don't wanna talk aboutJoel.
Tell you the truth- I'm pickin' up on an undercurrent here, something subtextual in all this.
I sense that you are really attracted to my better half.
Ho.
Ho.
Come on.
The truth, please.
I swear, I won't tell my brother.
Strictly entre nous.
I'm not sayin' that you would act on this attraction, only that it exists.
Just between us? I mean, maybe it's because he's such a malcontent, you know, because he's so self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic, and because he's so totally lacking in any quality I look for in a man.
So, yeah, in some perverse way, I am attracted to him.
Huh.
This is "Mea Culpa.
" I pay you homage, and you're on the air.
Hello? Anybody home? Okay.
Guess not.
On to- Stevens.
It's me.
Frank? It's time people heard my side of the story.
I'm turning myself in.
Hey, that's good, man.
That's really good.
I'm happy.
I'm turning myself in to you.
What? I trust you.
Uh, listen, Frank.
That's not a very good idea.
Why not? Why not? Because, oh, geez, come on, Frank.
We have a relationship, Stevens.
We're both from West Virginia.
Look, I'm not qualified, all right? You need a police officer.
A cop.
Some trigger-happy flatfoot? You're out of your mind.
I only meant that - What's the matter with you, Stevens? "A cop'"? Look, I'll call you tonight with all the details, huh? Frank, l- And come alone.
I'll be wired with ordnance.
If I see anyone else, anyone, it's the big bang, and it'll be on your head, understand? Frank? Frank! Maurice, did you hear that? That's one disturbed individual.
- Are you seeing Officer Semanski tonight? - Yes, sir.
Dinner theater in Chumuchu.
They're showing Camelot.
It's a good deal.
You get prime rib, baked potato, salad bar and the show, all for 11.
95.
Well, do you think that maybe, you know, you could talk to Officer Semanski about Frank? I don't know, Chris.
These paranoid types are tricky.
If old Frank figures that you're gonna double-cross him, he might walk in here with a little C-4 and- blow us all to kingdom come.
You'll be all right.
Good luck! He's no Bobby Goulet, but that Erik Estrada made a damn fine Lancelot, don't you think? I could've used seconds on the prime rib.
Well, Dave'll whip us up a little snack.
You like camarones aztecas? That's his specialty.
Anything else you get around here is a little iffy.
- See it? You got it? All right.
Watch the lady.
- What's goin'on? Okay.
You got the bullet.
Here you got the bullet.
There you got the lady.
The lady here.
Okay, now, watch the lady.
Watch the lady.
All right? You watchin'her, pal? Fellas, here we go.
Where's the lady? - The middle one.
Here.
- That one.
- Ooh! Bad! I thought you had me that time.
All right.
Who's next? I'll take any bet up to a fiver.
- You're under arrest.
- How's that? - Bunko.
- Arrest? - Barbara.
Get my cuffs.
Put your hands against the wall.
We're on a date here.
You're off duty.
It's- Doesn't matter.
I'm obligated to intervene.
Look, I was gonna give the money back- Spread 'em! You have the right to remain silent.
Maurice, do something.
The nearest police station is 200 miles away.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Ow.
There has to be a visitors' lounge, a waiting room.
I'm not gonna run away.
I'm a physician.
I have degrees from some of the finest institutions of higher learning in the world.
There is no need to put me behind bars.
Okay.
All right.
I understand it's a procedural thing, but isn't there supposed to be a phone call? One phone call? That's my understanding, Officer.
Officer! Hi.
No problem.
- You seem uncomfortable.
- Pardon? I was remarking that you appear somewhat ill at ease.
I'm in jail.
How am I supposed to feel? Why do you assume there's a correct emotional response? Any one of a number of responses might be appropriate.
I know you.
Do I know you? Let's get back to your feelings about being incarcerated.
- Why? - Uh-huh.
- "Uh-huh" what? - Your choice of words.
"Why," "who," "what," "where," "when," "how.
" Do you always do things only out of a sense of obligation? No.
Yeah.
Most of the time.
Yeah.
See anything good in there? Hey.
Willie.
Oh, yeah, Willie Dixon.
Mighty Earthquake and Hurricane.
Ed, anything drastic ever happens to me, this is yours, buddy.
Well, maybe Frank won't call tonight.
Hey.
Just fine with me.
- Hey.
Maybe he'll never call again.
- You think? Yeah.
Of course, then you'd be waiting on him to call.
All night.
Every day.
Every time the phone rings.
Every time there's a knock at the door.
Every time you get in the shower.
You know, likeJanet Leigh in Psycho.
Ed.
Can we just talk about something else? Okay.
What's that? Did you hear that? What? Right-That.
M-Maybe.
You'd better get that.
All right.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Frank.
Uh, no.
I was- I was in the back.
I had to run up.
No, no.
I'm glad.
I'm glad you called me.
Right.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, hey, Frank? You think we can meet somewhere a little closer? You know, somewhere with some streetlights? Frank? Frank? When? Tomorrow night.
Out by the flume at Ketchum Lake.
Oh.
Ed, he said if I'm not there, there's gonna be a crater 20 feet long with nothing but teeth and shoelaces.
You know what this reminds me of? A man named Sweeho, up by the Noatak River.
- He had to bring in a psychopath? - Oh, no.
He was the psycho.
Chopped up eight miners.
Then Sweeho said he'd turn himself in, but the sheriff had to go into the mine alone.
That's it? That's it, Ed? That's the story? Oh, no.
Afterwards, they went in and found the sheriff.
He was chopped up in little sections- like Dave does with those chickens? I guess Sweeho changed his mind.
You know, huh? Hey, don't worry aboutJoel.
Jail'll be good for him.
Broaden him.
Let's call in the next patient, shall we? Number six.
Good morning, I'm Dr.
Fleischman.
Up we go.
So, what seems to be the problem? Well, I got a headache and a sore throat.
Yeah? I think I got that flu that's going around.
Well, I'm not gonna rule out the flu, but there are other possibilities.
There's tonsillitis, brain tumor.
Let's have a look-see.
Ow.
Oops.
Let's see the tonsils, huh? Hey, wait.
That's wet.
It's been used.
You want a new one? No problem.
I myself try to save a tree where I can.
Conserve.
Recycle.
That's my motto.
Say "Ah.
" Ah.
A little sensitive, aren't we? Okay, let's check your reflexes.
Boo! Good.
So, Miss Hacket says, "You're making fun ofJerry Trinkle, Joel.
" I said, "No, I wasn't.
" She said, "You were.
Kenny Morgan saw you.
" I said, "No, no.
That was my brother.
" Your "twin" brother? Yeah.
What was I gonna do? Admit that I had perpetrated an act so gratuitously cruel and malicious against a kid whose only-only crime was a slight obesity and out-of-itness? - Hmm.
- "Hmm"? What does "hmm" mean? "Hmm'"as in "Hmm, there's some deep, dark significance here? '" Like, maybe I actually identified with the Trinkle boy, was actually punishing myself by torturing him? Or is this "Hmm'"just, "Hmm, this is really boring.
I'm not really interested but I'll make him think that I am'"? What do you think? Well, my point is, what difference does it make toJules? I mean, one more blot, more or less, on his already disreputable character.
Whereas to soil my reputation would- - Soil you? - Yeah, soil.
Sully.
Tarnish.
Soil.
- What? - This business of soiling, does it remind you of anything? Now, see, you would say that.
But, at leastJules expresses his id.
I mean, he is id.
Me, I am all superego, good behavior, stellar achievement.
Always judging myself by how others judge me.
But- Who-Who really is the bad one here? Joel, who is only pretending to be good? OrJules, who expresses his evil side so that when he is good, it's the genuine article? Perhaps you project onto your brother those parts of yourself which it is uncomfortable for you yourself to own up to.
Isn't that merely a restatement of what I was just saying? That's all we have time for today.
Okay.
One more question while I have you here.
Maybe you are who you are, maybe you aren't.
Let's just say, for the sake of argument, you are.
This whole swirl of controversy that surrounds you- My emphasis on Oedipal conflict and penis envy? Exactly.
I mean, there's been almost a century of psychoanalytic practice, untold millions spent in dark offices cluttered with expensive Oriental rugs and Hindu art on Park Avenue.
I mean, this huge, quasi-scientific, monolithic edifice based on your principles.
And now people are beginning to question those very ideas.
Postulating, in fact, that the whole sexual orientation of Freudian psychoanalysis is, in fact, misguided and wrong.
How would you respond to such criticism? It's just a theory.
Whoa.
No, no, no, no.
Save some for yourself.
It's so good.
Half the pleasure in these things is watching other people's enjoyment.
That's what wine is for.
To be savored and enjoyed.
Hmm.
Cheers.
I'm surprised you even opened this bottle, Fleischman.
Your $400, precious '61 Margaux.
I thought you were saving it for the day you left this "armpit of civilization.
" When you called me anal-retentive the other day, well, point well taken.
I saw the bottle, I thought, "Why hold on"? And who better to share it with than Maggie? - Maggie? - That's your name, isn't it? What are you up to, Fleischman? Did your brother tell you what I said about you? - No.
- Because it was purely theoretical.
Besides, he was supposed to keep his mouth shut.
You have the most amazing eyes I have ever seen.
Has anybody ever told you that? Well, yeah, I think they're one of my better features.
Wait a minute.
Eyes? They're so intelligent.
They look right through a person.
What are you doing talking about eyes? I know I don't usually say things like this.
Maybe it's from being around my brother, but you are- Fleischman.
So beautiful.
Do you know that? What are you doing, Fleischman? And that mouth.
You have such beautiful lips.
Fleischman.
Hello.
Yeah.
He's here.
Hold on.
It's your brother.
Hmm? Hello? Jules is-is an animal.
Apredator.
A sexual juggernaut whose idea of guilt is something like lint.
Say-SayJules meets a girl.
As he rips her clothes off, they writhe like eels into a frenzy of unadulterated lovemaking.
I mean, me, I'd shower with my socks on if they wouldn't get moldy.
I have this thing about getting totally naked.
- I feel so totally- - Exposed? Exactly.
I mean, I wanna be spontaneous.
I do.
But I have this thing about analyzing my every move.
And premeditated spontaneity is about as exhilarating as getting the measles twice.
Elaborate, please.
Okay, let's take O'Connell, for example.
I mean, Jules plies her with alcoholic beverages, instinctively tells her everything he knows she wants to hear, flatters her, charms her and then sticks his tongue down her throat before she has a chance to say "Ah.
'" I mean, me, do I want her as badly as Jules? Absolutely.
But do I pin her against the wall, pressing my chest against her chest? Thrusting my hips against her hips? I mean, do I? - Do you? - Me, yeah.
Joel Fleischman.
Are you kidding? No way.
I mean, I'd tell her it'd never work out simply because we have nothing in common because I hate everything that she likes.
And in return for my forthrightness and honesty, I'd get at best, if ever, her grudging respect.
When, likeJules, what I really want is to lick her naked body from head to foot like a postage stamp.
Did I mention that I used to collect stamps as a kid? Did I? Sigmund? Excuse me.
Hello? - Chris? - Frank? Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Boy are you Abe Stevens's kid.
Oh.
Same exact forehead.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
People have said that.
Oh, Chris- I've waited a long time for this day.
Yeah.
I've thought about it.
An end to the running.
A chance to be heard, you know? Whew.
Well, let's go.
- Okay.
- "Okay"? Yeah, Frank, let's get the hell out of here.
No, no, no, no.
You said, "okay.
" Okay, what? Um, nothing.
All right, Frank.
I created all this anxiety when you called, and, you know, I fabricated this whole scenario out here in the woods, you know.
With the Mad Bomber? Right.
So, I'm not what you expected.
You expected somebody else.
Somebody dangerous? A bigger person maybe? Nope.
Come on.
I can take it.
Say it.
I'm short.
No, no.
Frank.
Size is completely relative, you know? Say it.
I'm short.
Short.
Of no account.
A piffle.
An elf.
A midget.
A dwarf.
"Oh, don't worry about Frank.
Frank is no problem.
" "Hey, shorty.
Why don't you get up off your knees?" Frank, listen to me.
You are not that short.
Yeah? How tall are you? Frank.
Frank.
Short's good.
Short's good.
Better balance.
Lower center of gravity.
You know, think of it.
All the tough guys, they weren't giants.
B-Bruce Lee.
Napoléon- 5'2", conquered Europe.
Uh, Edward G.
Robinson.
James Cagney.
Oh, James Cagney.
I likeJames Cagney.
Right.
Right.
Chris.
I'm sorry, Chris.
I've got a temper.
We should be going.
Whenever you're ready.
I'm ready.
Frank? Huh? This way.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, your father.
Whatever happened to him? Um, cirrhosis of the liver.
Oh, too bad.
Nice guy.
Very nice guy.
Where the hell were you? How could you leave me in there like that? In a jail with criminals? I was tied up.
Unspeakable things could've happened to me.
Hey, I'm the one who's gonna suffer, pal.
Your indiscretion goes on my record.
I think an apology's in order.
An apology? I shudder to think what you've been up to.
- Nothing bad happened.
- What is that supposed to mean? No fatalities.
You saw patients? You promised you wouldn't see patients.
I couldn't help it.
That's not only unethical and illegal, that is dangerous.
All right.
You're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
But, Joel, try to understand.
You're a professional.
You have an office, a receptionist.
People look up to you.
A guy like me, you know, I could never get anywhere with a woman like Maggie.
What has Maggie got to do with this? What I mean is, it felt so good to put on that white coat- I felt clean.
Joel, clean.
I tricked people.
I took advantage of them.
Look at me.
I haven't had a shower in days.
I could get used to this.
Yeah.
Jules, do me a favor.
Don't come back for a couple of years.
No problem.
Sure.
Oh, by the way, you got a date with Maggie tonight.
Okay.
Breast or thigh? White or dark? Uh, white.
White.
No skin.
White, no skin.
Okay.
Okay.
Do you always do a Thanksgiving trial run? Uh-huh.
Thanks for being my guinea pig.
Looks good.
Well, it would've been better if you'd given me a syringe.
O'Connell, in the immortal words of Popeye - "I am what I am and that's all I am.
" What happened to "Maggie"? What? Last night you called me Maggie.
Last night? - Don't you remember? - Sure, I remember.
Y-You said all those things about my lips and my mouth.
Well, you know, you said they were, uh- - Sure.
When we were- - Yeah.
- In the, uh- - On the couch.
Right.
Wow.
This is delicious.
Mmm.
You know, it's amazing how much you look like your brother.
I'm taller.
Slick back your hair, put you in a polyester suit.
You guys could almost pass as one another.
Never work.
Inside we are very different people.
Maybe.
You know, O'Connell, all that stuff I said last night? I meant every word.
Joel? Jules? Jules? Joel? Joel? Jules? Fleischman.
Fleischman, wake up.
Fleischman? Huh? Fleischman? It's okay.
O'Connell, it's you.
Of course it's me.
Hey.
Anybody there? I heard about what happened toJoel, and, well, he looks okay now.
Yeah, but he hit his noggin real hard.
We thought for a while there he was a goner.
No, you don't understand.
I wasn't here.
l-I wasn't, really.
l-I was in jail with Freud- You ran into the railing, Fleischman, and these guys found you.
- You just had a bad dream.
- No, it wasn't a dream.
It was real, and you were there.
A-And he was there.
And him.
Sometimes weird things happen.
Ed, Chris and you were talking about bringing in the Mad Bomber.
And, O'Connell, you were seduced byJules.
Jules? My twin brother, who you thought was me, and- Wait.
I don't have a twin brother named Jules.
Do I? It was just a bad dream, Joel.
- Halloween jitters.
- Oh.
It felt real.
Well, we, uh- we better be shoving off.
Yeah, we got a long flight tomorrow.
Uh, hey, you take care of that bump on your head.
Okay? I will.
Thanks.
- Rest easy, Joel.
- Bye-bye, Dr.
Fleischman.
You need anything, Fleischman? No.
I don't think so.
Okay.
Get a good night's sleep.
We'll come see you tomorrow, okay? Can I give you a hand with that stuff? No, thanks.
But, uh, where can we get a good meal around here? Holling's bar.
Good food.
How's the hunting, boys? Oh, it was great, but we're looking forward to getting home.
Where's that? Topeka.
Kansas? Nah.
There's a dark side to each and every human soul.
We wanna be Obi-Wan Kenobi and, for the most part, we are.
But there's a little Darth Vader in all of us.
'Cause the thing is, this ain't no either/or proposition.
'Cause we're talking about dialectics.
The good and the bad merging into us.
You know, you can run, but you can't hide.
My experience? Face the darkness.
Stare it down and own it.
It's like brother Nietzsche says- Being human's a complicated gig.
So, give that old dark night of the soul a hug.
And howl the "eternal Yes.
"
For those of you who celebrate the holiday by acting out the Visigoth spirit, oh, say with a little egg throwing or outhouse tipping, I have an important police bulletin.
Please be advised.
Alaska's own InspectorJavert, Officer Barbara Semanski, is on the prowl, having succumbed to the blandishments oflove.
She's given Maurice a reprieve, and she's currently being squired somewhere in the vicinity.
Congrats, Maurice.
Now, the rest of you beware.
Here's a little something for all you ghouls and goblins out there.
Ah.
Ah-ha! Ha! Ha.
Ah-Ah-ha.
Huh? What? Who is it? What? Trick or treat.
What? Trick or treat.
What is this? It's Halloween, dummy.
Just give me some candy.
Halloween's for kids.
You're a little old.
And why do you think I came all the ways up here? They laughed me off the streets in Anchorage.
I don't believe this.
Who are you? Frank Watson.
Just give me some candy- boom- I'm out of your hair.
I don't have any candy.
None? No.
In case you haven't noticed, I live in the middle of nowhere, on a lake so remote it doesn't have a name, miles from any living soul who might chance upon my cabin looking for candy on Halloween.
Okay, okay, okay.
What do you got? I don't know.
I have macaroni and cheese, Pop-Tarts, a banana.
Give me a banana.
No, I will not.
I will not give you my banana.
I'm not gonna give you anything.
No? No.
All right.
How 'bout - Look.
I'll give you a dime, okay? Now do me a favor.
Let me eat my dinner before it gets cold.
A dime? A lousy dime? Hey, Frank, you're lucky I don't have a poison apple.
Okay, pal.
You asked for it.
Hey! Get out! Stop it! Hey! Come back! Ow! All righty.
What are the damages? Well, sir, we got $2,433.
Yeah.
I'm a little short.
I'm gonna have to write you a check.
- You have some I.
D.
, sir? - Vikram, we've been in this cab three days.
- You don't know me by now? - Okay, sir.
Okay.
- All righty.
What's that number again? - $2,433.
What's your last name? - I'll just write it to "Cash.
" - What about the girl, sir? Uh, take her back to- Here you go.
Where the hell was that again? Where'd you say you were from, honey? Manitoba.
Manitoba.
Manitoba, sir.
Manitoba.
Oh, your husband's a lucky man.
Thank you very much, sir.
Have a nice day, sir.
Good-bye.
- Hiya.
How you folks doin'? Fleischman? No.
Don't move.
I love the new look.
Hey, thanks.
Hot.
Very hot.
The feeling is entirely mutual.
It finally happened, didn't it? All that unfocused rage.
You finally snapped.
What's your name, peaches? Huh? You're really creepy sometimes, Fleischman.
I mean it.
Spooky.
Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
Z.
Z.
Top.
Shelly, have you seen Fleischman? Yeah.
I'm actually very worried about him.
He's disoriented, confused, and he's dressed like a loan shark.
- Seemed fine to me.
- Shelly, did you ever think of putting towels in the dispenser? You know, it's a two-step process- first the washing, then the drying.
Oh.
Sorry.
- What? - How'd you do it? - You snuck in the back.
He snuck in the back, right? - Huh? Oh, I get it.
You're in this together.
Come on.
I saw Gaslight.
Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer.
He tries to make her think she's crazy.
- What are you talking about, O'Connell? - Okay.
Fine.
I mean, you went through a lot of trouble, so if you want me to play along, I'll play along.
But just one thing: How did you get that mousse out of your hair? Huh? He's been here for the last half hour.
Oh, yeah, right.
And there's just some Fleischman clone and evil twin stalking the streets of Cicely? Wait, wait.
This clone- He looks like me? - Is this your idea of funny, Fleischman? - Sharkskin suit, lizard shoes, big, gold Magen David? Yeah.
Marilyn, by any chance have I received any unexpected visitors today? He's in there.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Hey, hey, hey.
! He-Hey.
! Oh, no.
Schmegeggie.
Look at you- the doctor, all grown up.
You little putz.
Come here! He-Hey, how are ya? I'm fine, Jules.
Come on.
They don't feed ya up here? Ow.
Ho! Ho! Stop! Cut it out! Ow! Ow! Hey, Ma says you don't write, you're in big trouble.
I'll write! I'll write! All right.
That's better.
Geez.
What are you doing here? I was in the neighborhood.
In the neighborhood? Right.
Are you in trouble? Nah.
Yeah.
You know.
The usual story.
A girl, some money, a missing ledger.
Some people were upset.
It seemed prudent to leave New York.
I'll bet.
How long you gonna stay? Just a couple days.
I wanna check out the Arctic Circle.
Tell you the truth, some of the things I've been involved with- just various improprieties- It's been emotionally very taxing.
Yeah, right.
I could really use a break from myself.
Couldn't you- Wait a second.
Remember we were kids? We used to switch? I'd go to your violin class.
You'd run numbers for Ziggy Goldman.
Jules, come on.
We're adults now.
So what? You used to love being me! You got to boost comic books, pick fights.
You remember? You laid out Moose Mahoney.
Jules.
Ever since your bar mitzvah, it's been work/study, work/study.
You've been so serious.
Joel, I'm a vacation.
And I am a doctor.
I have responsibilities here.
I will not practice medicine.
What? It's so wonderful being locked up inside the HonorableJoel Fleischman 24 hours a day, seven days a week? No.
Absolutely not.
One day.
I'm you, you're me.
No.
And that is that.
I am very happy with myself.
I have no need to go slumming in your persona.
- Ha-Ha.
! - You still got it.
All righty.
You see this quarter? Yeah.
Dollar says I remove this quarter without touchin' the cup.
Just a buck.
What do ya say? I'm in.
Me too.
All right.
Here we go.
You ready? We got a eenie, a meenie, a miney, a mo, a one, two, three and away you go! - There.
It's gone.
- Wow.
It's still there.
Not anymore.
That's real slick.
- Hey, Joel.
- Hey, Joel, your brother here's a real pistol.
Who'd have thought it? Thanks, Maurice.
Come on.
I'll show you my igloo.
Later, guys.
All right.
Thanks for the game.
He-Hey.
Joey, wait up.
What's your hurry? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hey, Fleischman- - Yeah.
I heard.
I didn't believe it.
Believe it, sweetheart.
Joel? Jules.
- Joel? - Joel.
Jules, my brother.
Maggie O'Connell.
We've had the pleasure.
Incredible.
Two of you.
Double your pleasure.
Double your fun.
- Come on, Jules.
- Unbelievable.
Oh, Fleischman? I need a syringe.
- What? - To baste my turkey.
Don't be ridiculous.
Use a spoon.
- You can't shoot butter under the skin with a spoon.
- Right.
A syringe is not a toy, O'Connell.
It's not a cooking utensil.
You know what a syringe is? It's desperate people huddled in filthy stairwells and dark alleys and dank subway platforms.
Fleischman, I'm not a junkie.
Look, if you had a legitimate medical need for a syringe-say, you were a diabetic- - Am I hearing ethics from you? - Let's just say I have one redeeming social value- I don't willy-nilly hand out syringes.
Geez, you never lighten up.
You've got to be the most anal-retentive individual I've ever met.
What? - What? - Nothin'.
I'm not anal-retentive.
Dr.
Fleischman? That's me.
Hey, watch that cholesterol.
Wow, Red Cloud.
Bon chapeau.
What's that? Oh, hello, Joel.
It's rotten fruit.
Well, as a physician, I have to tell you that's a perfect breeding ground for aerobic bacteria, salmonella, streptococcus, cholera.
Yeah.
I'd keep it covered.
I'm not anal-retentive- I'm not, not.
How ya doin'? Yeah.
How ya doin'? I'm not anal-retentive.
Did you call me anal-retentive? Don't call me anal-retentive, 'cause I'm not.
That's right.
I'm not.
Uh, Dr.
Fleischman.
That's me.
Did my test results come in? Uh, yeah, and you got an "A.
" Oh, yeah.
Okay.
We got time for a couple more calls before the big old salsa show.
This is "Mea Culpa.
" You are on the air.
Hello? Sorry, sir.
You're gonna have to speak up.
Chris, are you Abe Stevens's boy? Yeah.
From Marshall County, West Virginia? Yeah.
Do I know you? You know of me.
This is Frank Watson.
Watson? Yeah.
Lasrove R.
V.
Sales? Hauser Menswear? Turner Plumbing Supplies? That Frank Watson? That's you? Yes, it is.
Wow.
Uh, okay, for our audience- About 10 years ago, there was a string of bombings of retail outlets in the greater downtown Wheeling area.
Now, nobody was hurt, but there was substantial property damage, and the suspect, identified as a Mr.
Frank Watson, was never apprehended and is still at large.
I tried to return the sport coat.
The seam split under the arm.
But Wally wouldn't return my money.
Oh, no.
He'd only give me credit.
And that camper shell? First rain, it leaked.
You can understand how I felt.
Well- I mean, the consumerjust doesn't have any other recourse- Maybe not.
Hey, thanks for your call, and, uh- Let me tell you about the commode.
! Sorry, Frank.
The board's all lit up.
Okay, next caller, you're on the air.
All right.
What do you want? I'll have a gimlet, doll face.
- How 'bout a beer? - Perfect.
Excuse me, Shelly.
I'm going to have to return this to the kitchen.
Why? Tell the chef the proper way to prepare salmon is to poach it or steam it only until it turns a lighter shade of pink.
The fish should still be firm to the touch, but flake when prodded with a fork.
Flake.
Okay.
Quintessential Fleischman.
Get us a table.
I'll be right there.
You're layin' it on a bit thick.
Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Oh, no.
I'm Jules.
That's Dr.
Fleischman.
Don't worry.
I won't tell anyone it's you.
How did you know, Ed? Oh, it's an Indian thing.
We're not taken in by appearances.
Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Hey, Fred.
A toast to Alaska's most alluring natural beauty.
You should give your brother some lessons.
What do you mean? Look at him.
All you ever get is one grim note.
- He's so relentlesslyJoel.
- No, no, no.
Joel is really complex.
He has a very refined and subtle sense of humor.
A lot goes on inside that head that you don't know about.
Really? Believe me.
There's a whole range of colors on that palette.
Look, I don't wanna talk aboutJoel.
Tell you the truth- I'm pickin' up on an undercurrent here, something subtextual in all this.
I sense that you are really attracted to my better half.
Ho.
Ho.
Come on.
The truth, please.
I swear, I won't tell my brother.
Strictly entre nous.
I'm not sayin' that you would act on this attraction, only that it exists.
Just between us? I mean, maybe it's because he's such a malcontent, you know, because he's so self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic, and because he's so totally lacking in any quality I look for in a man.
So, yeah, in some perverse way, I am attracted to him.
Huh.
This is "Mea Culpa.
" I pay you homage, and you're on the air.
Hello? Anybody home? Okay.
Guess not.
On to- Stevens.
It's me.
Frank? It's time people heard my side of the story.
I'm turning myself in.
Hey, that's good, man.
That's really good.
I'm happy.
I'm turning myself in to you.
What? I trust you.
Uh, listen, Frank.
That's not a very good idea.
Why not? Why not? Because, oh, geez, come on, Frank.
We have a relationship, Stevens.
We're both from West Virginia.
Look, I'm not qualified, all right? You need a police officer.
A cop.
Some trigger-happy flatfoot? You're out of your mind.
I only meant that - What's the matter with you, Stevens? "A cop'"? Look, I'll call you tonight with all the details, huh? Frank, l- And come alone.
I'll be wired with ordnance.
If I see anyone else, anyone, it's the big bang, and it'll be on your head, understand? Frank? Frank! Maurice, did you hear that? That's one disturbed individual.
- Are you seeing Officer Semanski tonight? - Yes, sir.
Dinner theater in Chumuchu.
They're showing Camelot.
It's a good deal.
You get prime rib, baked potato, salad bar and the show, all for 11.
95.
Well, do you think that maybe, you know, you could talk to Officer Semanski about Frank? I don't know, Chris.
These paranoid types are tricky.
If old Frank figures that you're gonna double-cross him, he might walk in here with a little C-4 and- blow us all to kingdom come.
You'll be all right.
Good luck! He's no Bobby Goulet, but that Erik Estrada made a damn fine Lancelot, don't you think? I could've used seconds on the prime rib.
Well, Dave'll whip us up a little snack.
You like camarones aztecas? That's his specialty.
Anything else you get around here is a little iffy.
- See it? You got it? All right.
Watch the lady.
- What's goin'on? Okay.
You got the bullet.
Here you got the bullet.
There you got the lady.
The lady here.
Okay, now, watch the lady.
Watch the lady.
All right? You watchin'her, pal? Fellas, here we go.
Where's the lady? - The middle one.
Here.
- That one.
- Ooh! Bad! I thought you had me that time.
All right.
Who's next? I'll take any bet up to a fiver.
- You're under arrest.
- How's that? - Bunko.
- Arrest? - Barbara.
Get my cuffs.
Put your hands against the wall.
We're on a date here.
You're off duty.
It's- Doesn't matter.
I'm obligated to intervene.
Look, I was gonna give the money back- Spread 'em! You have the right to remain silent.
Maurice, do something.
The nearest police station is 200 miles away.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Ow.
There has to be a visitors' lounge, a waiting room.
I'm not gonna run away.
I'm a physician.
I have degrees from some of the finest institutions of higher learning in the world.
There is no need to put me behind bars.
Okay.
All right.
I understand it's a procedural thing, but isn't there supposed to be a phone call? One phone call? That's my understanding, Officer.
Officer! Hi.
No problem.
- You seem uncomfortable.
- Pardon? I was remarking that you appear somewhat ill at ease.
I'm in jail.
How am I supposed to feel? Why do you assume there's a correct emotional response? Any one of a number of responses might be appropriate.
I know you.
Do I know you? Let's get back to your feelings about being incarcerated.
- Why? - Uh-huh.
- "Uh-huh" what? - Your choice of words.
"Why," "who," "what," "where," "when," "how.
" Do you always do things only out of a sense of obligation? No.
Yeah.
Most of the time.
Yeah.
See anything good in there? Hey.
Willie.
Oh, yeah, Willie Dixon.
Mighty Earthquake and Hurricane.
Ed, anything drastic ever happens to me, this is yours, buddy.
Well, maybe Frank won't call tonight.
Hey.
Just fine with me.
- Hey.
Maybe he'll never call again.
- You think? Yeah.
Of course, then you'd be waiting on him to call.
All night.
Every day.
Every time the phone rings.
Every time there's a knock at the door.
Every time you get in the shower.
You know, likeJanet Leigh in Psycho.
Ed.
Can we just talk about something else? Okay.
What's that? Did you hear that? What? Right-That.
M-Maybe.
You'd better get that.
All right.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Frank.
Uh, no.
I was- I was in the back.
I had to run up.
No, no.
I'm glad.
I'm glad you called me.
Right.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, hey, Frank? You think we can meet somewhere a little closer? You know, somewhere with some streetlights? Frank? Frank? When? Tomorrow night.
Out by the flume at Ketchum Lake.
Oh.
Ed, he said if I'm not there, there's gonna be a crater 20 feet long with nothing but teeth and shoelaces.
You know what this reminds me of? A man named Sweeho, up by the Noatak River.
- He had to bring in a psychopath? - Oh, no.
He was the psycho.
Chopped up eight miners.
Then Sweeho said he'd turn himself in, but the sheriff had to go into the mine alone.
That's it? That's it, Ed? That's the story? Oh, no.
Afterwards, they went in and found the sheriff.
He was chopped up in little sections- like Dave does with those chickens? I guess Sweeho changed his mind.
You know, huh? Hey, don't worry aboutJoel.
Jail'll be good for him.
Broaden him.
Let's call in the next patient, shall we? Number six.
Good morning, I'm Dr.
Fleischman.
Up we go.
So, what seems to be the problem? Well, I got a headache and a sore throat.
Yeah? I think I got that flu that's going around.
Well, I'm not gonna rule out the flu, but there are other possibilities.
There's tonsillitis, brain tumor.
Let's have a look-see.
Ow.
Oops.
Let's see the tonsils, huh? Hey, wait.
That's wet.
It's been used.
You want a new one? No problem.
I myself try to save a tree where I can.
Conserve.
Recycle.
That's my motto.
Say "Ah.
" Ah.
A little sensitive, aren't we? Okay, let's check your reflexes.
Boo! Good.
So, Miss Hacket says, "You're making fun ofJerry Trinkle, Joel.
" I said, "No, I wasn't.
" She said, "You were.
Kenny Morgan saw you.
" I said, "No, no.
That was my brother.
" Your "twin" brother? Yeah.
What was I gonna do? Admit that I had perpetrated an act so gratuitously cruel and malicious against a kid whose only-only crime was a slight obesity and out-of-itness? - Hmm.
- "Hmm"? What does "hmm" mean? "Hmm'"as in "Hmm, there's some deep, dark significance here? '" Like, maybe I actually identified with the Trinkle boy, was actually punishing myself by torturing him? Or is this "Hmm'"just, "Hmm, this is really boring.
I'm not really interested but I'll make him think that I am'"? What do you think? Well, my point is, what difference does it make toJules? I mean, one more blot, more or less, on his already disreputable character.
Whereas to soil my reputation would- - Soil you? - Yeah, soil.
Sully.
Tarnish.
Soil.
- What? - This business of soiling, does it remind you of anything? Now, see, you would say that.
But, at leastJules expresses his id.
I mean, he is id.
Me, I am all superego, good behavior, stellar achievement.
Always judging myself by how others judge me.
But- Who-Who really is the bad one here? Joel, who is only pretending to be good? OrJules, who expresses his evil side so that when he is good, it's the genuine article? Perhaps you project onto your brother those parts of yourself which it is uncomfortable for you yourself to own up to.
Isn't that merely a restatement of what I was just saying? That's all we have time for today.
Okay.
One more question while I have you here.
Maybe you are who you are, maybe you aren't.
Let's just say, for the sake of argument, you are.
This whole swirl of controversy that surrounds you- My emphasis on Oedipal conflict and penis envy? Exactly.
I mean, there's been almost a century of psychoanalytic practice, untold millions spent in dark offices cluttered with expensive Oriental rugs and Hindu art on Park Avenue.
I mean, this huge, quasi-scientific, monolithic edifice based on your principles.
And now people are beginning to question those very ideas.
Postulating, in fact, that the whole sexual orientation of Freudian psychoanalysis is, in fact, misguided and wrong.
How would you respond to such criticism? It's just a theory.
Whoa.
No, no, no, no.
Save some for yourself.
It's so good.
Half the pleasure in these things is watching other people's enjoyment.
That's what wine is for.
To be savored and enjoyed.
Hmm.
Cheers.
I'm surprised you even opened this bottle, Fleischman.
Your $400, precious '61 Margaux.
I thought you were saving it for the day you left this "armpit of civilization.
" When you called me anal-retentive the other day, well, point well taken.
I saw the bottle, I thought, "Why hold on"? And who better to share it with than Maggie? - Maggie? - That's your name, isn't it? What are you up to, Fleischman? Did your brother tell you what I said about you? - No.
- Because it was purely theoretical.
Besides, he was supposed to keep his mouth shut.
You have the most amazing eyes I have ever seen.
Has anybody ever told you that? Well, yeah, I think they're one of my better features.
Wait a minute.
Eyes? They're so intelligent.
They look right through a person.
What are you doing talking about eyes? I know I don't usually say things like this.
Maybe it's from being around my brother, but you are- Fleischman.
So beautiful.
Do you know that? What are you doing, Fleischman? And that mouth.
You have such beautiful lips.
Fleischman.
Hello.
Yeah.
He's here.
Hold on.
It's your brother.
Hmm? Hello? Jules is-is an animal.
Apredator.
A sexual juggernaut whose idea of guilt is something like lint.
Say-SayJules meets a girl.
As he rips her clothes off, they writhe like eels into a frenzy of unadulterated lovemaking.
I mean, me, I'd shower with my socks on if they wouldn't get moldy.
I have this thing about getting totally naked.
- I feel so totally- - Exposed? Exactly.
I mean, I wanna be spontaneous.
I do.
But I have this thing about analyzing my every move.
And premeditated spontaneity is about as exhilarating as getting the measles twice.
Elaborate, please.
Okay, let's take O'Connell, for example.
I mean, Jules plies her with alcoholic beverages, instinctively tells her everything he knows she wants to hear, flatters her, charms her and then sticks his tongue down her throat before she has a chance to say "Ah.
'" I mean, me, do I want her as badly as Jules? Absolutely.
But do I pin her against the wall, pressing my chest against her chest? Thrusting my hips against her hips? I mean, do I? - Do you? - Me, yeah.
Joel Fleischman.
Are you kidding? No way.
I mean, I'd tell her it'd never work out simply because we have nothing in common because I hate everything that she likes.
And in return for my forthrightness and honesty, I'd get at best, if ever, her grudging respect.
When, likeJules, what I really want is to lick her naked body from head to foot like a postage stamp.
Did I mention that I used to collect stamps as a kid? Did I? Sigmund? Excuse me.
Hello? - Chris? - Frank? Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Boy are you Abe Stevens's kid.
Oh.
Same exact forehead.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
People have said that.
Oh, Chris- I've waited a long time for this day.
Yeah.
I've thought about it.
An end to the running.
A chance to be heard, you know? Whew.
Well, let's go.
- Okay.
- "Okay"? Yeah, Frank, let's get the hell out of here.
No, no, no, no.
You said, "okay.
" Okay, what? Um, nothing.
All right, Frank.
I created all this anxiety when you called, and, you know, I fabricated this whole scenario out here in the woods, you know.
With the Mad Bomber? Right.
So, I'm not what you expected.
You expected somebody else.
Somebody dangerous? A bigger person maybe? Nope.
Come on.
I can take it.
Say it.
I'm short.
No, no.
Frank.
Size is completely relative, you know? Say it.
I'm short.
Short.
Of no account.
A piffle.
An elf.
A midget.
A dwarf.
"Oh, don't worry about Frank.
Frank is no problem.
" "Hey, shorty.
Why don't you get up off your knees?" Frank, listen to me.
You are not that short.
Yeah? How tall are you? Frank.
Frank.
Short's good.
Short's good.
Better balance.
Lower center of gravity.
You know, think of it.
All the tough guys, they weren't giants.
B-Bruce Lee.
Napoléon- 5'2", conquered Europe.
Uh, Edward G.
Robinson.
James Cagney.
Oh, James Cagney.
I likeJames Cagney.
Right.
Right.
Chris.
I'm sorry, Chris.
I've got a temper.
We should be going.
Whenever you're ready.
I'm ready.
Frank? Huh? This way.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, your father.
Whatever happened to him? Um, cirrhosis of the liver.
Oh, too bad.
Nice guy.
Very nice guy.
Where the hell were you? How could you leave me in there like that? In a jail with criminals? I was tied up.
Unspeakable things could've happened to me.
Hey, I'm the one who's gonna suffer, pal.
Your indiscretion goes on my record.
I think an apology's in order.
An apology? I shudder to think what you've been up to.
- Nothing bad happened.
- What is that supposed to mean? No fatalities.
You saw patients? You promised you wouldn't see patients.
I couldn't help it.
That's not only unethical and illegal, that is dangerous.
All right.
You're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
But, Joel, try to understand.
You're a professional.
You have an office, a receptionist.
People look up to you.
A guy like me, you know, I could never get anywhere with a woman like Maggie.
What has Maggie got to do with this? What I mean is, it felt so good to put on that white coat- I felt clean.
Joel, clean.
I tricked people.
I took advantage of them.
Look at me.
I haven't had a shower in days.
I could get used to this.
Yeah.
Jules, do me a favor.
Don't come back for a couple of years.
No problem.
Sure.
Oh, by the way, you got a date with Maggie tonight.
Okay.
Breast or thigh? White or dark? Uh, white.
White.
No skin.
White, no skin.
Okay.
Okay.
Do you always do a Thanksgiving trial run? Uh-huh.
Thanks for being my guinea pig.
Looks good.
Well, it would've been better if you'd given me a syringe.
O'Connell, in the immortal words of Popeye - "I am what I am and that's all I am.
" What happened to "Maggie"? What? Last night you called me Maggie.
Last night? - Don't you remember? - Sure, I remember.
Y-You said all those things about my lips and my mouth.
Well, you know, you said they were, uh- - Sure.
When we were- - Yeah.
- In the, uh- - On the couch.
Right.
Wow.
This is delicious.
Mmm.
You know, it's amazing how much you look like your brother.
I'm taller.
Slick back your hair, put you in a polyester suit.
You guys could almost pass as one another.
Never work.
Inside we are very different people.
Maybe.
You know, O'Connell, all that stuff I said last night? I meant every word.
Joel? Jules? Jules? Joel? Joel? Jules? Fleischman.
Fleischman, wake up.
Fleischman? Huh? Fleischman? It's okay.
O'Connell, it's you.
Of course it's me.
Hey.
Anybody there? I heard about what happened toJoel, and, well, he looks okay now.
Yeah, but he hit his noggin real hard.
We thought for a while there he was a goner.
No, you don't understand.
I wasn't here.
l-I wasn't, really.
l-I was in jail with Freud- You ran into the railing, Fleischman, and these guys found you.
- You just had a bad dream.
- No, it wasn't a dream.
It was real, and you were there.
A-And he was there.
And him.
Sometimes weird things happen.
Ed, Chris and you were talking about bringing in the Mad Bomber.
And, O'Connell, you were seduced byJules.
Jules? My twin brother, who you thought was me, and- Wait.
I don't have a twin brother named Jules.
Do I? It was just a bad dream, Joel.
- Halloween jitters.
- Oh.
It felt real.
Well, we, uh- we better be shoving off.
Yeah, we got a long flight tomorrow.
Uh, hey, you take care of that bump on your head.
Okay? I will.
Thanks.
- Rest easy, Joel.
- Bye-bye, Dr.
Fleischman.
You need anything, Fleischman? No.
I don't think so.
Okay.
Get a good night's sleep.
We'll come see you tomorrow, okay? Can I give you a hand with that stuff? No, thanks.
But, uh, where can we get a good meal around here? Holling's bar.
Good food.
How's the hunting, boys? Oh, it was great, but we're looking forward to getting home.
Where's that? Topeka.
Kansas? Nah.
There's a dark side to each and every human soul.
We wanna be Obi-Wan Kenobi and, for the most part, we are.
But there's a little Darth Vader in all of us.
'Cause the thing is, this ain't no either/or proposition.
'Cause we're talking about dialectics.
The good and the bad merging into us.
You know, you can run, but you can't hide.
My experience? Face the darkness.
Stare it down and own it.
It's like brother Nietzsche says- Being human's a complicated gig.
So, give that old dark night of the soul a hug.
And howl the "eternal Yes.
"