One Day at a Time (2017) s03e05 Episode Script

1 Shields up! Let's move that payload.
Go, Gladiators! So, you are not even playing this video game? You're just watching these other nerds playing the video game? This is the Overwatch League.
It's the world's top e-athletes.
E-who cares? [knock on door.]
That sounds like a weak-wristed knock.
Come in, Leslie.
[panting.]
Hi, everybody.
Exciting news.
I got two extra tickets to the opera.
Penelope, I was thinking maybe you and Mateo may want to come.
Thank you so much for the offer, but I just can't.
I'm completely swamped with disinterest.
Are you sure? Opera-tunity only knocks once.
Ay, Leslie, no.
Maybe I can take those tickets.
Since when did you get into the opera, Elena? Well, I've been looking for an opera-tunity to go out on the town with my Syd-nificant other.
[Elena and Leslie laugh.]
Berto, I am ready.
No? Ah.
Hey, Mom, can I go skydiving? You're right, too dangerous.
I'll just go to the concert Dylan invited me to instead.
Much safer.
Thanks.
Yeah, nice try.
Few questions.
What concert is it? Where is it? Can I come? Oh, wait.
You're not going.
Please, Mom, it's Bud E.
Fest, this really chill outdoor music festival.
No! You could get kidnapped, trampled, or molested.
You never let me do anything because you always think I'm gonna get molested.
And have you ever been molested? No.
You're welcome.
Sorry, buddy, but you ain't going to Buddy Fest.
Please, Mom.
There will be tons of security.
Plus, it's outdoors during the day.
It's basically a church picnic.
Look.
Come on, I'm 15.
How old were you when you went to your first concert? Seventeen.
Lisa Lisa.
What are you talking about? Twenty-three, and we saw Julio Iglesias.
Mami, that's right.
That Lisa Lisa thing was a crazy dream that I had that I snuck out to a concert, but really, I was home that night in bed, sleeping like two pillows under a blanket.
Well, I would never dream of sneaking out.
That's why I'm asking you.
'Cause I'm a good kid who tells his mother everything.
If you want to go to a concert, why don't you come with us to the opera? We have two extra tickets.
But I'm using those.
Oh, yeah.
This is it This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball This is it Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do Hold on tight We'll muddle through One day at a time So, up on your feet Somewhere there's music playing Don't you worry none We'll just take it like it comes One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time - One day at a time - One day at a time One day at a time Schneider, I need to talk.
Sure.
I'm not doing anything.
Is this a jigsaw puzzle? Of my family? The only missing piece is me.
Well, I'm sorry for bursting in.
I'm really sorry.
Um, but I am worried about Alex.
Oh, don't be.
Once I get the outline of his head, the face will be easy.
Not that.
He's at a concert I let him go to.
I think I made a terrible mistake.
I remember my first concert in Canada.
Bryan Adams at the Chilliwack Moose Lodge.
Man, that mosh pit was wild.
There was a mosh pit at a Bryan Adams concert? Every concert has a mosh pit.
A girlfriend once took me to see Streisand, I almost lost an eye during "You Don't Bring Me Flowers.
" Okay, this is not helping me get over my crazy yet completely justified Cuban overprotectiveness! Look, at some point, you're going to have to start trusting Alex.
It's not like you can go everywhere with him and spy on him.
Or [hip hop music plays.]
Yeah, I think we blend in pretty well.
Well, I'm glad we came.
Yeah, this place actually seems pretty safe.
There's a lot of security.
Yeah, concerts have gotten so refined since my day.
I just got my beard trimmed at the grooming tent.
I was gonna get eyelash extensions, but the line was too long.
Seriously, that porta potty is nicer than my bathroom.
It has three-ply toilet paper.
Well, it did.
Okay, so Alex should be somewhere in that section over there.
Okay.
Here, I brought my binoculars.
Great.
What theWhat? Oh.
Whoops.
These are my bar-noculars.
I've been sober so long, I forgot I had these.
God! Oh, no, I'm not doing my move.
No.
Still works.
Yeah, anyway, I don't need binoculars because I made Alex wear a long-sleeve shirt so he wouldn't catch pneumonia.
A red-and-white striped shirt.
- Oh, my god, you Waldoed him! - Yup.
Oh! There's Waldito.
Oh.
Well, it looks like he's doing okay.
Wait.
Why is he holding a pen? Maybe he wants to get an autograph.
He's putting the pen in his mouth.
I do the same thing.
It's a bad habit.
Oh, it's a worse habit than you think.
Pen, he's vaping.
Pen, vaping.
Vape pen, Pen.
Vape Oh, my god.
I did not even mean to do that.
Maybe it's just nicotine.
[Penelope.]
"Bud E.
Fest"? I cannot believe this concert is promoting marijuana! I wondered why Wiz Khalifa and Willie Nelson were performing at the same show.
So aria ready for some opera? I give that pun a tenor so.
[laughs.]
You think I would survive this fall? These seats are awesome.
Thank you so much for the ticket hookup, Dr.
B.
No problem.
It's a double date.
Double date? Who's the couple they're with? I am so excited.
I read that the part of Annio is a trouser role, a male part played by an actress in men's clothing.
Really? So this opera is gender-nonconforming! Like you.
You make everything gay.
Even the opera is gay to you.
What is next? Ballet? [scoffs.]
You really didn't have to drag me out of that concert.
How'd you get to me through those people? I had to crowd-surf across 2,000 hands.
And yes, I am aware of the irony that, technically, I am the one that ended up getting molested.
I cannot believe you were smoking pot.
I wasn't smoking, I was vaping.
Well, in that case, all good.
- Really? - No! How long has this been going on? It was my first time.
And last time.
Dylan's brother had it and everybody was trying it.
I didn't even like it.
It was stupid.
It was stupid.
Stupid of me to trust you.
Well, I won't be making that mistake again.
Because the next time you're allowed to go to a concert, it'll be so far in the future, robots will rule the galaxy.
And music will have been outlawed anyway.
What? I don't know.
I'm very upset! It's not that big of a deal.
It's not as bad as alcohol and everyone drinks.
You even smell like booze.
I think.
What does booze even smell like? Don't be cute.
You're grounded.
Go to your room.
[sighs.]
[coughs.]
- [opera aria plays.]
- This opera's just so long.
And not enough intermissions when you have the bladder of a hummingbird.
Getting up in the middle of a solo? So disruptive.
[coughs loudly.]
Abuelita, you okay? I'm[coughs.]
I'm fine.
Do you have something to drink? Ah! [chuckles.]
You accidentally brought your real opera glasses instead of the ones filled with rum? What about a lozenge? Oh, Leslie has some.
[coughs.]
Ah.
Do you feel better now, Abuelita? So he shows me a drill and I say, "You better put that thing away or you're gonna need a dentist.
" So, whatever.
Now I'm banned from Home Depot.
Thank you, Ramona.
And I think that completes the entire Westfield Mall.
Well, I have something to share.
Um, this afternoon, I went to Bud E.
Fest.
- Yeah, you did.
- Nice.
I didn't know you smoked weed.
I went there to spy on my son.
Oh, that sounds more like you.
Yeah.
And I caught Alex smoking or whatever, vaping pot.
That stuff was everywhere.
It was like right out in the open.
Well, it is legal now.
I'm more of a Chardonnay and Tylenol PM gal myself.
Out like a light.
Responsibly.
I don't smoke since I'm sober, but, boy, did I like it.
Not me.
Weed make me paranoid, like everyone's out to get me.
'Cause when you're black, everyone is.
Well, marijuana has really helped me.
With the pain from your injury? Sure, we'll say that.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Yes, big time.
I mean, a lot of vets I know were prescribed opiates and couldn't get off of them.
Yeah, it's a big problem.
Yeah, my ex was one of them.
I smoke weed on occasion.
It's really chilled me out.
What were you like before? [laughs.]
Look, weed is just not my thing.
I mean, I get how it can be helpful or even kind of fun.
Of course I've tried it, but Alex can't know that.
He needs to think I'm perfect.
I think you're perfect.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little high right now.
Okay, well, we're adults.
Alex is 15.
That's true.
At that age, the brain is still developing.
So did you go all Home Depot on him? Okay, first of all, that's not a phrase normal people use.
And, no.
It was a one-time thing and he gets it now.
In fact, I didn't overreact.
I was understanding, but clear and firm.
One and done.
Nipped it in the bud.
[laughter.]
Oh, no.
I wasn't trying to make a bud pun, but that was funny.
[laughs.]
No, we're laughing at how you think it was Alex's first time.
Yeah, it's cute.
That's what everyone says when they're teenagers.
"I didn't even like it.
" That's what Alex said.
Oh, my god.
- Did you search his room? - No.
- You've gotta search.
- What's wrong with you? Okay.
Well, I will now.
And if I find any marijuana, it's going right down the toilet.
Whoa.
Let's not be hasty! Pen, can you take a picture of me so I can Photoshop myself into the puzzle? Shh! What are you doing? Alex is downstairs doing punishment laundry, so I'm secretly searching his room for drugs.
But the women at the therapy group got me all worried for nothing.
I went over every inch of this room, I didn't find anything.
Here you go.
Fake deodorant? How did you know? You're like one of those dogs at the airport.
I have a lot of experience hiding drugs.
They used to call me "The Mole.
" 'Cause of the mole on my butt cheek.
Next to where I hid my drugs.
Let's focus on Alex.
I cannot believe he lied about it being a one-time thing.
Though I am happy he doesn't really use Flex body spray.
What the hell is all this stuff? When I was a kid, you had to roll a joint or smoke it out of an apple.
We used to make bongs out of maple syrup jugs.
You could walk down the street toking, people wouldn't even notice.
They'd just think you were another hoser your chuggin' syrup.
Do you think Alex has a real drug problem? No.
Look, there's some left.
That's a good sign.
Trust me.
It's probably just Alex being a teenager.
You'll deal with it.
He's great kid and you're an amazing mom.
Am I? I kind of feel like I failed.
Look, if it helps, I know this stuff looks intense, but it's actually one of the weakest forms of marijuana.
Really? Yeah.
Dr.
B's got these lozenges.
He says they go straight into your bloodstream.
If you're not used to it, they can really whack you out.
You're fine one moment, then it kicks in.
Next thing you know, you're giggling uncontrollably.
- [opera aria playing.]
- [snickers.]
[guffaws loudly.]
It is gay! [Lydia laughs loudly.]
I get it.
I get it.
Then you get all paranoid.
[opera aria playing.]
[gasps.]
The Castros have found me! One guy I knew actually popped one at a movie theater and started talking back to the screen.
Give it up, Titus! Servilia only wants you as a friend! Like Leslie and me! Shh! Oh, my stars! [sings operatically.]
Thank god no one in my family is using that stuff.
- Looking for this? - No! What is that? Don't even.
This is what you're doing? I'm busting my ass for this family, and you're out there doing this crap? - I'm sorry, I - You lied right to my face.
I had to.
If I didn't lie, you would've said I couldn't do it.
'Cause you shouldn't do it! It's not that bad.
- It's legal now.
- Yeah.
You know what else is legal? Smoking, drinking, gambling.
But you end up with cancer, cirrhosis, and prying your abuelita off the penny slots.
And none of those things are legal for you 'cause you're 15.
It's just a fun thing we do once in awhile.
Anyways, I get straight As.
You want for long if you're a stoner.
I'm not a stoner.
We laugh at those guys.
Besides, tons of successful people have smoked weed.
Barack Obama, Steve Jobs, Oprah.
Unemployed, dead, and Gayle just said that to get ratings.
And trust me, for every success, there are a hundred losers whose lives never go anywhere.
And you really think it's healthy for you? You know that guy at the concert, Willie Nelson? Thirty-two years old.
No, he's not.
He's like your age.
No, he's not like my age! He's a lot older than me! [Penelope sighs.]
I am so disappointed in you.
You're a good kid, you're a smart kid, and you should know better.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you.
Trust me, I'm not perfect.
I tried pot a couple of times.
You did? Yeah, I was stupid too.
So, I get the curiosity.
But when you're a kid, it messes with your brain because it's still developing.
And you need to be especially careful because you're Latino.
Why? When I was 17, a cop caught me and my friend smoking pot at the beach.
I got dragged into the police station.
But my friend, Caroline, who was white, and I'm talking sunburn-at-night white, the cop let her go with a warning.
You got arrested? Oh, my god.
Abuelita must've freaked.
[scoffs.]
She don't know.
Luckily, there was a Latino cop working the desk who felt sorry for me and let me go, but not before he said, "You can't be doing this kind of stuff.
It's different for us.
" He was right.
So the reality is, if a white kid like Dylan gets caught with a little weed, he gets a cool story.
But you? You could end up in prison.
Your life will be over, and so will mine because I couldn't bear to lose you like that.
I'm sorry, Mami.
I'll never do it again.
Oh.
I would love to believe you.
But one of these days, I'm gonna make you use this.
A pregnancy test? No, it's a drug test, but now I'm concerned that you know what a pregnancy test looks like.
You know what? Another day.
Anyway, this is gonna happen, and your pee better be freaking perfect.
It will be, I swear.
[sniffs.]
Mmm.
You are using Flex body spray.
How many times in one day are you gonna disappoint me? And did you know that smoking marijuana can also cause gynecomastia? - What is that? - That's when men grow boobs.
Why didn't you just lead with that?! We could've skipped the rest of the conversation! [whimpers.]
I think we caught it in time.
And one more thing.
Please don't tell Abuelita what I did.
I don't want to disappoint her too.
Baby, I would never do that.
I don't need that in my life.
If she asks why you're grounded, we'll just say you're being punished for spending time with a girl who's a bad influence.
"Mary Jane.
" I get it.
Like Peter Parker's girlfriend.
No, it's Forget it.
Oh, wait.
You got to keep my pot story a secret too 'cause Abuelita would never understand.
So, we got banned from the opera.
[theme music plays.]