Peep Show (2003) s03e05 Episode Script

I'm not sick but I'm not well And I'm so hot Cos I'm in he-ell Another hard day, eh, Jez? Watching kids' TV and eating kids' cereal? What should I be having? Gentleman's relish with olives? Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes are Frosties for wankers.
Frosties are Corn Flakes for people who can't face reality.
Anything from Soph? She's been very busy, far too busy for post.
Don't think she'll actually be coming down over the weekend.
It's just there's this thing.
Sounds important.
What am I gonna do, Jez? - She's slipping through my fingers.
- Tell her you love her.
That's like firing first in a duel.
If you miss, you're fucked.
It puts you in the driving seat - sometimes I tell them I love them on a first date, just to get things off to a good start.
Doesn't that devalue it a bit? No.
Maybe.
A bit.
Who cares? It works.
- Aren't you going to open your post? - No, it's boring.
"You may have won this.
" Who cares? That one's On Her Majesty's Service, for God's sake.
Oh, sure, it's On Her Majesty's Service, delivered by the Royal Mail.
Probably an invitation to one of Princess Anne's dogging parties.
See? Now they want me to do jury service.
Jury service? I can't believe they'd choose you! Must be a mistake.
Why shouldn't I do jury service? Because your critical facult I'm not being rude, but you're not a very logical thinker.
No, I wouldn't.
You still don't understand what happened in Ocean's Eleven, do you? It's a complicated film.
It really isn't.
I'd probably find jury service simple.
I'll just let them off.
Don't try and upset me.
Some black kid accused of stealing a bun, and I'm gonna set him free.
Wait till you hear the details! That's what they want you to do - confuse you.
I'll definitely acquit.
I'm shaking up the department, and I want you two to be my enforcers.
My Cheech and Chong.
My Skinner and Baddiel.
The iron fists inside my velvet glove.
The spiky balls on the end of my stick.
Nice, yes.
Which one of you two is balling Sophie right now? He is.
Well, theoretically.
She's not getting on all that well in Bristol.
'lf everything goes wrong, I'll be there to pick up the pieces.
' She's been slacking off.
Apparently, she called Colin Cooper a dickhead.
Well, he is a dickhead.
Mark, maybe you could have a word? Get her to clean up her act? Unofficial verbal warning.
Cool? Oh, OK, sure.
'Bollocks.
Could be difficult.
'Or tell her I love her, 'then before it gets too soppy, hit her with a disciplinary matter.
' Jez! So, first day in court, tell me everything.
I've taken a solemn oath.
I take it quite seriously.
I could get a fried chicken bucket from a properly franchised outlet, not the one that gave you that fever.
It's credit card fraud, a woman.
Four in Nescliffe, two in Cosford.
Credit card fraud?! Nescliffe?! A woman?! Oh, my God, this is incredible! Oh, sure, it sounds incredible for the first three hours.
God, it's boring.
"Are you guilty? Blah, blah, blah.
" It's a joke, she's obviously guilty.
Why? Has she taken the stand? What's her alibi? She looks shifty.
Shifty? Wouldn't look out of place with a can of lager and a cheap fag in her mouth.
- You were going to acquit.
- She's white.
And another jury bloke thinks the same.
No smoke without fire.
Is that what 1,000 years of the English judicial system comes to? No smoke without fire?! She's going down.
And if she didn't do it, so what? She's the type, she'd probably just do something else.
'Ah, soup.
Lovely hug in a mug.
All I need now is a kiss in a tube.
'A wank in a packet.
Better call Sophie.
Or maybe 'Just before, play solitaire for three hours.
Shit, it's her! ' Hello, Sophie? 'Hi, Mark! Listen, good news.
I'm coming down tonight.
'Can we hang out? I miss you.
' Of course, I miss you too.
Although, tonight, you do know it's Thursday? 'I'll pull a sickie tomorrow.
' 'Johnson's right, she's dangerously out of control.
' 'So, I'll come over about seven-ish? ' Brilliant.
Bye.
'Shit.
Bottled it.
'Tell her tonight after chicken and wine and Sara Lee.
'Maybe I could get some chocolate-flavour condoms.
'I'll be more relaxed with my penis as a novelty item.
' 'Why couldn't I get something interesting, like a cat-strangling, 'or a murder case that goes at the heart of government? 'Oh, my God, the defendant.
' Do I know you? God, you're on the jury, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, I am a bit.
Sorry.
Wow, this is weird.
Yup! I probably shouldn't I shouldn't, probably.
To be honest, it's nice to get away from the jury.
All they want to talk about is the case.
What are they saying about it, then? Oh, just We all think you're innocent.
Really?! 'Just sugar the pill a bit.
' What's your name? Jeremy.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm Carla.
I'll be glad when this is all over.
Those wooden chairs kill my back.
That's why I sit in the corner, because you can lean on the wall, and you know It's just better.
What about that judge, though, eh? God, yeah.
He's so judgemental.
"I rule this," "I rule that".
That would be a good name for him, Judge Mental! Hey, I tell you what, I plead guilty to wanting a moccaccino! Objection! Overruled! 'This isn't wrong, just illegal.
Like drink-driving.
' You'd think she'd come up with a better alibi than that.
"'I'm the foreman, I'm the foreman.
Only I get to talk to the judge.
" 'Fuck you.
' 'Jesus, it gets better and better! ' All those who think she's guilty raise a hand.
'They can't send her down, they don't know her.
I don't know her.
'But I do fancy her.
' Er, yeah, I just don't think she is that guilty.
I think there is a reasonable doubt.
'I'm in Twelve Angry Men.
I'm the only one who's not angry.
'I'm horny.
That's much nicer.
' We'll eat and laugh and I'll make out I think Colin Cooper's a dickhead too, when actually he's doing bloody good work with a difficult team and some very testing targets.
What's funny? Oh, nothing.
Doesn't matter.
Is it something to do with the case? Er, yeah, it is, kind of.
What's going on? It's really Honestly, it's nothing.
They haven't found the missing security tapes from Ryman's? No, no, it's nothing like that.
Anyway, she's definitely innocent.
Why, what came out? What happened? Nothing came out, it's just I got to know her a bit and she wouldn't do it.
You got to know her a bit? We bumped into each other, we've been texting, we're going out for a drink.
For God's sake, Jeremy, it's against the law.
The only seat in the cafe was next to her.
Should I blank her? That's against the law.
The law of social niceness.
You've got to tell her you can't meet up for a drink.
So suddenly I can't go out drinking with the defendant? Why not? People might think you'd be less impartial if you're trying to bone the woman you're meant to judging.
Typical.
"Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but "but Tony Blair can.
" Yeah? It's contempt of court.
Look, Mark, I'm a musician, in case you'd forgotten.
I answer to a higher law, the law of, "If it feels good, do it.
" Oh, that's a great law! What's that, Gaddafi's law? It's the musicians' law.
Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark.
That should be clear even to you.
God.
Sophie! The Sophster! Sophistry! Soph! Great to see you.
Hi, Mark! So good to see you! How are you, you big lovely? Dom.
Hiya.
Hi, Dom.
Really great to meet you.
'I suppose Dom's gonna have sex with Sophie while I film it on my phone.
' Sorry, that's me.
Sorry, I'm really gonna have to take this.
Isn't he fab?! 'He's gay! He's obviously gay.
My God, I actually have gaydar.
'ls he going? I hope he's going.
'Shutting the door might be a bit aggressive if he's not.
' So how are you? Oh, good, thanks.
You look great.
Thanks! Do you like my hair? Shaylee did it, she works in the juice bar.
She does Indian head massage too.
God, it's orgasmic! 'Juice bar? Massage? Orgasm?! That's everything I stand against! ' Hey, that was Olly.
He wants to meet up for cocktails at the Lava Lounge.
What do you think? You'd love Olly, he's such a great laugh.
That sounds great, it's just I've made chicken, I've got wine.
I've got DVDs.
Ocean's Twelve and Meet The Fockers.
Er, we did see those at the cinema.
It's like a reminiscipackage.
Plus there's commentaries, outtakes, bloopers Ooh, just come for one cocktail.
Olly freaked out.
Oh, come on, he loves you.
He'll puke if you don't come.
What do you think, Mark? lt'd be fun.
Er, well, I guess I'd hate to be responsible for someone actually throwing up, so Yeah, great.
'You win this one, Sophie, but I will have my revenge.
'All Sunday at the National Maritime Museum.
' 'One cocktail.
That was the arrangement.
'One cocktail, then home.
Not four cocktails and off to a gay club.
' Carla can't make it but she'll meet us here instead.
Great.
'Trapped all night with the homos and the criminals.
'Like prison, but without even my own cell.
' Mark, if he asks, just say you're gay.
What?! You been here before, mate? You gay, pal? 'Lie.
Say yes, say yes.
' No.
No, I'm not.
God, sorry.
I did once have this thing with a I had these feelings, but it was complicated.
It was more a sort of atmosphere, nothing ever really Sexuality's a sort of a spectrum, not a black and Go on.
Fuck off.
In you go.
There are a lot of gay guys in there tonight? Great.
Brilliant.
'God, how did I end up here? Will I ever be allowed to leave? 'Just got to ride the alienation.
' Are you having a good time? Oh, yeah, wicked.
So how did you guys meet? Oh, that's quite funny, actually.
A trial.
Are you a lawyer? I'm the defendant.
And I'm on the jury! And the funniest part is, the trial isn't even over yet! Oh, my God! That is so weird! 'I'm just a stick in the mud for thinking it's anything other than 'one of those brilliant urban jokes.
' Jez, if I need the bog, this place, its official classification is "gay-friendly"? Yep, gay, gay-friendly.
Does that mean friendly gays, or friendly to the gays? Cos, to be honest, friendly gays sound not worse, but, you know You think you're irresistible! People Men have looked at me.
Yeah, well.
Just don't go into that corner cos that's where the guys who like tubby homophobes hang out.
Another drink, everybody? Is erm? That isn't Is that your name? Yeah, it's a second marriage.
A bit complicated.
Oh, right.
The old magic card.
Well, you might think that, but I couldn't possibly comment.
'She sees something and she takes it.
'None of the "Is this mine or someone else's?" crap.
' You know what, Carla? I think I love you.
You hardly know me.
So what? I'm a musician.
I speak with my heart.
'Yep, Jailhouse Rock.
' I've got four brown bears and a couple of Foghorn Leghorns.
Mark, are you interested? Er I'm not really sure I I know it's not really your thing, but it's really good fun.
It's great.
Is there not even a slim chance that I might die? I had an amazing time, you'll love it.
I want you to love it.
It'll be a special night.
Yes.
Of course.
Sure.
Take a Foghorn.
They've got a nice, floaty launch with a soft, crunchy landing.
'A candle stuck in a wine bottle doesn't cut it any more.
'Now for a special night, you have to have class-A drugs and fisting.
' Mark, I'm so proud of you! 'She's proud of me? For taking a little white pill of drugs? 'lf I'd fought at Goose Green, she wouldn't want to know.
' We are gonna have such an amazing night.
'You are gonna have an amazing night.
'I am gonna have a very ordinary night right under your stupid nose.
' Who'd have thought it? You and me out clubbing, you off your tits.
I can genuinely see us eventually reminiscing about this.
Jez, listen, the thing is, I didn't actually pop my pill.
I'm pretending.
I could do with a few pointers on how to be a druggie.
Why didn't you bang one? I don't want to be in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear! That is so not the E experience.
You're much more likely to wake up with depression and a sense of worthlessness.
That crap you talk when you're off your noggin, I never really listen.
What do you prattle on about, and how shall I say I'm feeling? OK, look.
When you're coming up, it's kind of Yeah? And then you're just Everything you do is just kind of And then when you're going down, you talk about how we're all the same but these systems keep us apart.
OK, thanks.
Hey, Mark.
Are you feeling it yet? Oh, yeah, I'm feeling Really? Shall I get you some water? No, no, no, it's good, everything's gone sort of bubbly.
It's like I'm trapped inside a giant Aero.
I know exactly what you mean.
I also think I might be getting the famous munchies.
Really? On an E? I'll get you some water.
I tell you what, me and you, we've got a connection, haven't we? We're on the same wavelength, yeah? Oh, right, yeah! Listen to the music, man! This guy's a genius! He's bringing it up.
He's bringing it up.
Ooh, he's taking it down.
He's taking it down.
He's taking it up! Taking it up.
Taking it up! Taking it down.
Taking it down.
Taking it down.
'This guy is literally a moron.
' You're on it, man.
We're on it.
We're brothers.
Yeah.
'Oh, God, the sweaty grip of the moron.
' Oh, yeah.
You can feel it.
You can feel it, can't you? Yep, I can still feel it.
'Oh, God, I'm so tired.
' 'How did my house become a rave? ' This is probably how a squat starts.
'They'll never leave, and they'll brick me up in my room 'and ownership will pass to them because a high court judge 'will rule me to be officially not living life to the max.
' Soph, it's lovely, your incessant rubbing of my back, but it is starting to chafe.
The wine! The wine's been! Mark, you OK? You're not having a bad one? 'Shit, too rational.
' Yeah, I'm fine.
I just love being down here on the carpet.
The stain.
Look at the pattern it's making as it soaks into my genuine, pure wool carpet.
Do you think I should get me stuff 'What? She wants to talk normally after what we just did? ' 'I like edgy sex, but where was the humanity? ' Hey! Check out the easy pickings.
Yeah? Don't you think We could blow this together, yeah? Do you think? Don't worry about him, he's probably a banker on 300K.
Yeah I think he actually works in a juice bar.
Whatever.
So, about the case.
Just between us, the credit cards, that was you, was it? No, Jez.
That's the funny thing.
I wasn't even around for those.
I was in Lincoln raking in a bit on a housing benefit scam.
Brilliant.
Ooh, nasty scar.
Bit of a bitch fight one night in Sunderland.
Still, you want to see the other girl, cos she can't see you, not now! Brilliant.
'Oh, fuck.
'This is getting a bit too real.
' 'Just keep kissing.
'lf we're kissing, she can't say scary stuff.
' 'Look at these drop-outs.
' 'They think they're having fun.
' 'lf we were agricultural workers, the day would be half gone.
' Are you all right, Soph? I don't know.
The room's going a bit spinny, and a think I might, erm I burped some sick.
Can you get me out of here, Mark? OK.
What you need is some peace and quiet, and some rest.
And a cup of tea and some toast with peanut butter.
That sounds nice.
Soph, where you going? We're going to have a spliff.
Say hello to my little friend.
She's going to bed.
She doesn't want any more of your drugs.
You just have a nice lie-down.
I'll bring the tea and toast through in a minute, OK? Listen, do you want to Again? Already? Yeah.
I'm in the mood for celebrating.
In a few hours, I'm going to be free as a bird.
'Oh, no.
She's going to go free and come and live here, 'and we'll have to do horrible sex and go carjacking together.
' Right, that's it, turn the music down.
You can stop smoking your drugs.
I'm making tea and toast for Sophie.
I'm putting on Radio 4.
Everything's normal.
I'm not really high, so you stop talking your nonsense on my time.
What's the problem, man? Can't we just chill? No, you can't.
You've been chilling long enough.
This is reality calling.
But what about you and me? The bond? There is no bond.
You're not a bad person, but I'm afraid to say you are a moron.
Pull your socks up and get your shoes on.
All of you.
Oh, man! Listen, while we're at it, there are systems for a reason in this world.
Economic stability, interest rates, growth.
It's not a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes.
It's only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you're not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth, and a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that.
Now come on! Fuck off! 'Bollocks.
She's going to go free, free to come round and cut me 'from ear to ear unless I do her evil doings with her.
' So, maybe if we go over the arguments one last time, then see if one of us will change our minds.
Why bother? We're never going to agree.
She's going to get off.
Well, no, actually, because the judge has ruled he'll accept a majority verdict.
If a couple of your lot will consider joining us, then we can convict.
'Shit.
Could I do this? 'She is technically innocent.
But, really, she's totally guilty.
'Plus, women's prison, it's probably like one long hen night.
' Well, actually, I was thinking, I've had quite a big think about everything and, um, I think I've changed my mind.
Why? The security footage? Partially, but basically, I accidentally got talking to her in a club.
I know I shouldn't have, but it turns out she does this sort of thing all the time.
She's a fraudster.
No, we can't admit this.
That grounds for a mistrial.
OK, sure.
If you want.
Say it's a mistrial, go crying to Daddy.
But, look maybe I didn't play by the rules this time, maybe I am a bit of a maverick, but I think I've got this case pretty much solved.
And, yes, I can apologise for how I've done that, but I could never apologise for telling the truth, and the truth is that this woman is evil! If we let her go today, we are going to be responsible for whatever she does, so help me God, and let the Lord be my witness! OK, I buy it.
Let's just say guilty.
Yeah, I'm with him.
'Oh, yeah, justice is done.
'Not actual justice, but what I wanted to happen, 'which is basically the same thing.
' God, my head feels like a coconut someone scraped out from the inside.
Shit, yeah, I know how you feel like a big sort of coconut with a brain inside it.
Whoops.
Sorry, I'd better Hello? 'Mark, this is Allen.
I've spoken to Colin Cooper.
'He's pissing blood.
Apparently, Sophie's pulled another sickie.
'It's getting out of hand.
Call her, talk to her, do what you need to do.
'She's right on the bloody precipice.
' OK.
'Come on, Mark, do it.
' 'You're Sugar, you're Trump, you're Rommel.
' It's been really great seeing you.
And thanks for coming to the club.
I know it's not your thing.
I just want you to know I appreciate it.
I Thanks.
Soph Before you go, there's something I need to say.
Yeah? It's just You-You've really got to pull your socks up at work.
- What? - You've got to stop pulling sickies and screwing around, Sophie.
Johnson says.
Mark, what the fuck?! My head's in pieces, I don't need this.
No, Sophie If you want to be a major player, you've got to apply yourself more and be more punctual.
Hug? 'We'll laugh about this.
'Definitely.
'Unless it kills the relationship stone dead, which it probably will.
' Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me Just say you never met me I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes