Please Like Me (2013) s03e05 Episode Script

Oh, no.
Adele's a rooster.
Adele is a man.
Oh, no.
I can't deal with her today.
She can just be a girl for another day.
- Hello? - Claire! So, thanks for picking me up, you dicks! Taxi driver called me 'princess' and he sang A Whole New World to me.
Arnold and I are coming down.
We took drugs.
Tom broke his wrist.
It was all very exciting.
God, it's not a whole new world, is it? It's the same world.
The only difference is that now I've got no money! It's nice to finally meet you, Arnold.
- Mmm.
You're very pretty.
- Yeah, ok.
One, two One, two, three, four Ooooh, ooooh Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah Ooooh, ooooh, Oh, yeah Oh, the good Lord knows it Ooooh Oh, the good Lord knows it Ooooh I left better behind to be Fine Take my Mama, turn another blind Eye Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I left better behind to be fine Why won't she learn? Maybe she has all the answers and just can't get it out? No, I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure she's just yelling, "I'm a fucking dude, I'm a fucking du Wake up everybody and check out my mohawk!" Ok, I'm sectioning off this bit of the cast.
This is my bit, ok? Everyone else can be boring in their section, but this is mine.
I own it, ok? Yes.
It's yours.
Ok, so, I'm gonna write your dreams on it.
Tell me your dreams.
I don't really have any dreams.
What are your dreams, Thomas? Lately I've been thinking about how I really wanna go on a water jetpack.
Water jetpack.
I am writing it down because I believe that it's a legitimate dream, but they can't all be this silly, ok? Ok.
Ok, next dream? I don't know! I just I don't have any dreams worth writing down.
If you can't be real about this, Tom, then this section of the cast is gonna be left blank and everybody's gonna think that you just don't have enough friends to fill a cast.
So be a shame, wouldn't it? We'll continue this tomorrow.
So, I think I'm in love with Adele, the transgender chicken.
Yeah.
Yeah, I am just so in love with her.
What are our options? We can take her back to the farm.
They will kill her, but we do get a refund.
$15, which we'll probably use to buy a roast chicken.
- Delicious.
- Mm-hm.
Or we can Google how to kill her humanely, kill her and eat her.
Do you think we could even enjoy eating her? No.
No, we will just be so sad.
Well, you've always said that you wanted to raise your own meat.
You've always pontificated about how disconnected society is from meat.
- Did I? Was that me? - Oh, yeah.
Like, "Meat is so pre-packaged and neat, but meat isn't neat.
Meat is messy, and the only thing that's noble is to kill and eat your own meat.
" Yeah, but not Adele! Adele's such a babe.
I think that she's had a better life than most of the chickens we've eaten, so I think it's ok.
I think it is just ok that we eat her.
I mean, we just have to, yeah? I've really been pontificating about it for years.
Hey.
Arnold, I think we're gonna eat Adele.
Yeah.
It's not right.
She shouldn't have to die just because she was born a man.
It's like China, but in reverse.
If we're gonna eat her on Sunday, then we have to kill her on Saturday.
- What? - Oh, Tom.
We have some bad news.
- No, no, no.
- It's the best thing we can do - No! I'm out.
- Yes! Can't be out.
- Can't we just get her desexed? - No, that's not a thing.
You're not killing Adele! It's time to put on your big-boy pants and kill Adele.
Tom, if we don't kill Adele, then a stranger will kill Adele, and we can't let a stranger kill Adele.
I wouldn't want you to let a stranger kill me.
You can't kill Adele in front of Shakira and Beyonce.
I don't want Shakira and Beyonce to live in fear.
We need a cone to stop her from running around, so that's a fun job.
You and I can go heist a traffic cone.
Big-boy pants time.
- Whatever.
- Don't you dare give me a job.
Ok, Claire, we're gonna build an isolation cage.
An isolation cage? We need to isolate Adele for 24 hours before we kill her so that she doesn't eat.
- What? - That's not a very fun job.
I don't have a chance with you.
Yeah, we should even things up.
I should be handicapped in some way.
I'll get the axe.
It is awful, yeah? Like, I don't just think it's awful 'cause it's my mum? What do you think of my orchid? Good things.
It is a good orchid.
My psychiatrist makes me keep it so I learn to trust myself.
Right.
Orchids are very hardy, actually, Hannah.
They do very well on their own in the wild.
Maybe I should just release it.
I killed an orchid once.
Did it help you learn to trust yourself? No.
I thought you might bring Claire for a visit.
No.
Erm, she is she's jetlagged.
She's all jetlagged.
They say it takes four times as long for the soul to reach the same destination as the body.
So, when you arrive at your destination, your soul takes days to catch up.
What a lovely thought.
Is that a lovely thought? Is it lovely to imagine Claire's soul drifting all alone across the ocean? Don't be sarcastic, Joshie.
He's ok.
He's just testing the boundaries.
Two men in the house and all that.
No.
Stuart, honestly, you feel free to inhabit all the boundaries.
I chose a dog from the pound once, I called it Dipstick, and on the way home from the pound, Dipstick jumped off my lap, out the open window, and under an oncoming truck, and Dad just kept driving.
We never spoke of it again.
Remember when we were high on MDMA and Ella asked us about monogamy? Yes.
I just I've always thought monogamy was archaic, like, unnecessary pressure on relationships.
You wanna go and have sex with other boys? I really like sex.
I think that's ok.
You like sex.
Sex is fun.
And as long as we're smart and safe, there's, like, negligible risk.
Can you tell me what you're thinking? Uh I think this sounds like a shit deal for me, you going off and having fun sex with other boys.
You know I have nothing on.
It's only if we're out of town or whatever and I would never replace time with you for time with another boy.
Is it 'cause you're going on a maths summit? Is that why? - No.
- Is this a pre-maths summit chat? No.
What if you go off and have some sex with some maths genius and then you fall in love with the maths genius? I'm not gonna fall in love with a maths genius.
All I know is A-squared plus B-squared equals C-squared.
Is that even good? Is that a good thing to know? Honestly, whether we're open or not isn't gonna protect you from me falling in love with some maths genius.
If if I find someone better than you, then that's just tough.
I don't know! Can you give me an example, an example of a dream? Ok, so, I would like to be a teacher in a rough neighbourhood who makes all the students realise that hip-hop is the same as poetry and then they rap Shakespeare to me as a surprise.
- Yeah, that's good.
Put that down.
- No! You can't have my dream.
Sometimes I fantasise about being a hero in a plane crash or a fire, but then that seems like a selfish dream because it means people have to get hurt just so I can feel tough.
- Ok, I'll just write "be masculine".
- Not that! Ok, so, we've got water jetpack, being able to eat bread, and feeling masculine.
Yeah, I'm quite happy with that, actually.
Why are there two orchids? Oh! I'm gonna join you in the orchid task.
- No! - Yes.
No.
This is not a team-building exercise.
Oh It's a Phalaenopsis bloom.
It's even the same as mine.
Yeah, 'cause it's the same flower.
What, you don't even know the name of your own orchid? - It's Michael.
- Oh.
Ella's staying over again again? - I just have no idea what's going on.
- Is she homeless? Maybe, or maybe she just likes Tom.
Equally concerning.
You could have told me that Tom's got another annoying girlfriend.
- Oh, come on.
She's alright.
- She's exhausting.
"Oh, my name's Illa! Let's go skupping at the beach and have brik-fast at mud-night!" Not exactly a new way to be, is it? I can hear you.
I wasn't trying to, it's just that there aren't any doors between where you are and where I was, and I have ears.
- I'm so sorry! - No, it's fine, really.
You see? It's like watching a Disney princess trying to make it in the modern world.
What the actual hell?! I can still hear you with my ears! Sorry! Ok, so, you know when you were a kid and you thought you had to grow up and marry a girl and have kids and how you wanted that? No, I never wanted kids.
I resented even being a child.
And then you slowly realised that wasn't possible and everything you'd imagined for your future just fell away? Yes, ok.
Well, now we get to make our own rules.
Monogamy is like the Bigfoot of adult life.
Everyone claims to know someone who knew someone who knew a couple that did it successfully, but it doesn't exist.
Ok.
I agree.
I just I never want us to wake up next to each other and think, "Eugh! You again.
" Yes, ok.
I heard you and I said I agreed.
- Ok, good.
- Ok.
Josh? Josh? Claire? Guys? Hey.
Hey, Adele.
Hey.
It's alright.
Yes, Adele, I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry, it's just gonna be really gross to eat you if you've already eaten, ok? I'm sorry! Try harder climbing up the food chain.
Ella's refusing to come over anymore.
You two really fucked me.
I had a tiny light of happiness and you stamped it out.
Was she really upset? She's not coming to eat or kill Adele anymore thanks to you.
How long do you think you're gonna be angry like this for? - At least three more minutes.
- Can we just skip it? - I want something as an apology.
- What do you want? - Chocolate mousse.
- Ok, we'll make you chocolate mousse.
Good.
Thank you.
Oh, Tom! Josh has agreed to an open relationship with Arnold, so Oh, my God! Yes! High-five! - No, I don't know.
- I don't know if I high-five.
I wonder if Ella would want an open relationship.
She's cool.
She's so cool! Eugh! Ok, I'm going back inside.
I promise I will text Ella and I will be incredibly nice to her.
I will be so nice! Is it just me, or is Claire being crazy about Ella? No, she is not in love with you.
Everyone wants my "D"! It is exhausting! - Am I right? - No.
- I'm right! - Nobody wants it.
Hey, lady.
Oh, I got rid of your shower gel 'cause Josh told me that those plastic microbeads are getting into the fish gills.
Tea always makes me feel better, Michael.
What did you do today? Spent most of the day hating Claire.
She sounded so hateful, made me feel so frivolous.
Yeah, she's been weird since she got back.
She's usually not awful.
And then I read about slaves.
The world is broken, Tom.
Do you know there are more slaves now than ever? And they make things we buy.
Like, we directly fund it all the time.
- Yeah, I know.
- Do you care? Yeah.
I buy Fair Trade chocolate.
Oh! I like that it tastes less like poor people's tears.
I really cared! I thought, "This won't do.
" And then ten minutes later I'd moved on to looking at Claire's Facebook page and hating her.
And then she accepted my friend request, so I moved on and spent half an hour looking at viral marketing videos aimed at women, telling women they're beautiful just the way they are and then trying to sell them concealer or yoghurt.
Why do they only sell yoghurt to women? Like, men eat yoghurt! My dad, he loves yoghurt.
- I like yoghurt.
- Gay.
I signed an online petition trying to give women in Saudi Arabia the right to drive, so don't worry, Tom, that's sorted! Fixed that! Between Hermione and me, feminism's basically fixed! Yeah, good job.
Like, I did it all thinking I was helping solve the world's issues, but I wasn't, was I? I didn't achieve anything.
Kony never seemed bothered.
I was just jerking off my soul, trying to glean a smug self-satisfaction from other people's pain.
I convinced myself that I was doing good, but really I was just using other people's pain as an accessory to make me look cool and nice, trying to convince myself and the world that I'm a better person than Claire.
Do you think I'm just the worst, using the world's problems to make me feel better about a mean thing that a pretty girl said? Um, I don't think you're the worst.
I think you're the best.
Like custard.
I mean, I just don't know what to think.
Maybe it helped.
In democracy, if you want change, you have to change people's minds, and people look at the Internet.
- People like cats now.
- Fuck cats! After all that, Claire called, and she sounded pretty, and she invited me to come and kill Adele, which was nice, and I pretend not to care about the fact that she used Disney against me.
Ok, um, you know that you're, like, so pretty, right? I would bang every Disney princess.
- Nala? You wanna bang Nala? - Not Nala! Only humans.
So, you wouldn't bang the Little Mermaid when she was a mermaid? Well, obviously I'd bang Ariel.
Oh, I hate the fact that I'm more annoyed about it because she's pretty! That shouldn't matter.
- Hey, baby.
- Oh, thank God you're here.
I was about to feed Adele a bit of octopus, but I'm not allowed to.
It's against the rules.
Octopus is, like, the most intelligent creature on Earth.
You can't feed it to a chicken.
That'd be like letting Pitbull eat Nietzsche.
- Dog breed or the singer? - Does it matter? I've just, like, fallen deeply in love with this little lady.
- Are you ready to come inside now? - She just looks so lonely.
Yeah.
You put her in an isolation cage.
Hey.
Hey.
So, this is this is still happening? Yeah.
'Cause I just realised that you haven't realised that this is insane, and usually you would have realised by now.
Ok, so, there's two ways that we can do this.
We either just cut her head clean off or we stick in the knife and we just cut the jugular.
The jugular way is better, only if you do it right, though, and as this is our first time, I think we should cut her head off.
- Ok, everyone heard that, yeah? - Tom, I need you to hold the cone.
- I don't think I can, actually! - I can hold it.
Adele, you're being such a trooper.
Ok.
- There you go.
- Fuck! - Yeah.
- Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
- We love meat, yeah? - Mm-hm.
We love meat.
Circle of life.
Hakuna matata, yeah? - Yeah? Tom? - Yeah.
- Ok.
- Josh, it's time, yeah? - Hey, head out, head out.
- Oh! No! No! Well, do it or take her out of the thing! Yes.
Ok.
Ok.
Here we go.
- Arggh! - Come on! - Just do it, Josh! - Just do it! No! Actually, no, thank you.
Yeah, not today! No, thanks! Ok, fine! She's not dead, she's not dead! She's dead, ok? She's just twitching.
She doesn't have a head.
She's not feeling anything.
- You did it, eh? Good job.
- Yeah.
You did it, eh? I'll take Adele, yeah? I just Get me something to wipe the blood on? - I'm on it.
- Thanks.
Your orchid's leaves are going yellow, Hannah.
Is that bad? I thought it was cute.
Oh, you've just overwatered it.
I told you they thrive on neglect, didn't I? I've failed Michael.
It's a good thing I'm never gonna be a parent.
- What, never? - Never ever.
That's a shame, with those hips.
You think it's a shame I'm not having kids because my hips are large.
You got hips for Australia.
No use for 'em.
Oh, it is a shame, isn't it? It's like my hormones pulled a real swiftie! They thought, "Let's make this one into the ultimate baby-carrying vessel," then they gave me absolutely no desire to make one.
As if they think I'm gonna get pregnant in the desert.
- Like a camel.
- Oh, come on! Hannah's not a camel.
Now, whoever put me together didn't budget, did they? Like, oh, I'm like a walking graph for the distribution of wealth, aren't I? All the poor people! Donald Trump! Hold on, Hannah.
It wasn't my intention to upset you.
Oh, don't be so modest, Stuart.
You meant it.
You just didn't expect that I'd retaliate.
You know, usually sprinkle a little shame and a woman will wilt.
- Isn't that right, Stuart? - Come on, Hannah.
He said he didn't mean it.
- Why are you defending him? - I'm trying to be neutral.
Just settle down.
It's just an observation.
Didn't know you'd be so sensitive, did I? Didn't know you wanted kids.
I don't want children.
What I want is you not to think about it.
It's none of your business! Do you go up to people in wheelchairs and say, "Oh, you should get a desk job, you've got half the furniture?" Ok, I have some stuff I want to say and I don't want you to make fun.
Ok.
Um, I've been very lonely.
Ok, not fun, not fun.
No, um, I actually went three days and I only spoke to one person, and it was the woman who owned the fruit shop, and she asked me what I wanted to cook and then called me "liebling", and I was so happy for the entire night, because someone who didn't want to fuck me called me a nice name, and so I went back every week and bought vegetables I didn't need, and eventually I had to throw the vegetables away because I had no-one to cook them for.
Ok, I do not know what you want me to say if I'm not allowed to make fun of that.
I just don't understand how it was shit.
Like, how was moving to Europe to work a bad plan? It's a good plan.
It's a plan that interesting people make.
Is it, or is it a choice people pretend is interesting when they're on the phone to their parents? Can you just shut up and indulge me?! Just indulge me for, like, five minutes?! No, no, we don't indulge each other.
I'm not indulging.
No.
- You're not gonna indulge me? - Nah.
- Ok, fine, great.
Run's over, then.
- Alright.
- Wait, no.
- No? - Guess what.
- Um, you are moving to Germany.
No.
I'm pregnant, in my belly.
There is a human forming in my belly and I have to get an abortion, obviously.
I refuse to feel bad about it because they are just cells and every time they decide to multiply they are making a horrible decision and they need to be stopped.
Ok, right.
Fuck! Yeah.
We aren't telling anyone else about this.
I need someone to go to the clinic with and you're the best that I have.
Yeah.
Sure.
Whatever you like.
- Ok.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's done.
- Yeah.
- I told you, so - Ok.
Still running.
- Yep! - Oh.
Ok, should we, erm Should we, like, say something, you know? - Grace? - Yeah, let's say grace.
- No, we don't say grace.
- We don't say grace.
Maybe we can just, like, hold hands and say thank you for Adele.
- That's grace.
- No, actually.
It's just holding hands and saying thank you for Adele.
Not grace.
Thank you, Adele, for giving up your life so that we can continue ours.
Well, she hardly gave it up.
We stuffed her in a cone.
Ok.
Let's say nice things about her.
I like how friendly she always was.
No, don't remind me she was friendly! I heard that you settled down That you found a girl and you're married now I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things I couldn't give to you Old friend Why are you so shy? Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it I hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded That for me it isn't over Never mind I'll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you too Don't forget me, I beg I remember you said Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.