Portlandia (2011) s03e05 Episode Script

I mean, I've been, like, modeling and stuff, but, I mean, it's totally not my thing.
Like, I just think I'm a nerd, you know.
I've been into video games and comic books and stuff.
Like, I don't know.
I'm just-- I'm such a total nerd.
Hi there.
I'm Brian.
I'm an actual nerd.
I wear these glasses to see.
I watch Star Trek TNG, I play Skyrim.
I'm shy.
I'm not wearing a nerd costume for Halloween.
I'm ac-- this is how I actually dress.
And when I take these glasses off, I'm not suddenly, uh, revealed to be sexy or cool, I'm still a nerd.
In-- in fact, I get sick with fear uh, talking to people.
I'm not skinny enough to fit into hip jeans.
The only reason I'm not very pale and actually have a tan is because I went "eventing" a couple weeks back and got to dress up and run around in a field.
It-- it-- it sucks.
I mean, it Damn it.
Uh, why, you know-- a sexy girl who went and saw, you know, a second-week screening of The Avengers is not a nerd.
A real nerd is ashamed to be called a nerd.
So, please, get real.
If you're not a nerd, don't call yourself one.
Dang it.
Usually I'm really good at ranting.
Welcome, guys.
Thank you so much for coming to the PTA meeting.
I wanna bring something up really quick.
There is music here in this library available to our kids.
There are specific albums that absolutely should be banned.
You're really overstepping your bounds here.
Talking about what our kids love.
But our kids also don't really know what they like yet.
Kraftwerk.
Neu! - Oh, hi.
- Oh, hey.
It's funny we parked next to each other.
Sorry it got heated in there.
You know, it's-- I'm just passionate about our kids' music.
- That's all.
- Yeah, I mean, you know, like, the music they market to kids.
Can you believe it? Like, The Wiggles? Like, they have this song about making a fruit salad? Don't get me started.
Don't.
It doesn't speak to their intelligence at all.
Like, who's to say that a kid can't appreciate a guitar solo in a Dinosaur Jr.
song? - Yeah.
- I've said that exact same thing.
I have said that.
Right? What it boils down to is us just caring about what our kids listen to.
Raffi has this song about Peanut butter jelly sandwiches.
Something like that.
A whale with a blanket on it in the bottom of the ocean? Kids like time changes and weird time signatures, right? - Yeah.
- I've said that exact same thing.
Let's have some interesting chord changes.
Let's not just be writing in a pentatonic scale If you're gonna have some repetition, you know, let's do, like, Philip Glass or Steve Reich repetition.
And also, it doesn't have to be simple.
No.
No, it does not.
Right? I mean, kids like atonal stuff.
They like discordant Do you guys play music? Yeah, I mean, we're musicians or former musicians.
Really? We were too.
Yeah.
Oh, really? What instruments? Yeah, uh, I play guitar and sing.
How funny.
I'm a drummer.
I do a lot of circuit bending.
- Okay.
- Samplers.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
We should make music for kids.
- Wow.
- That's a great idea.
I was kinda kidding, but also not kidding.
I would totally do this.
Yeah, let's-- let's do it.
Let's make a pact right now.
No songs about peanut butter and jelly.
Okay? We don't reference silly animals.
No clouds, no cutesy stuff.
We just play real music for real kids.
Yes.
Should we think of a band name? Gummy Riot? What about Dough Hammer? Shortstop Sleepover? How about The Hamburger Options? How about Cross-Stitch? How about Goofus? Oh, Goofus.
That's-- that might be too much for kids.
I had one that was, like, The Defiance Of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals.
What's that? Defiance Of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals.
I like that name.
That actually kind of appeals to kids.
I think, 'cause Children are about to have their minds blown.
Honestly, I feel so, just, like, alive and excited right now.
Cool.
- All right.
- All right.
Bye.
It's open.
Stop it.
Okay, it's open.
Hold it.
I'm not even-- can you unlock it? Well, it's an interesting menu.
My students said we can't go wrong.
Everything is good, so I wish my students ate some stuff like this.
I don't know what they're eating.
Shiva salad? - Hello.
- Hello.
How are you two doing? - We're very well, thank you.
- Good.
Very good.
Well, do you have any questions? Um, I keep meaning to try the "Ke-Noah," 'cause I keep seeing that name.
- Quinoa.
- Okay.
It's an ancient grain.
Super healthy for you.
Oh, great, great.
You know, I would probably feel best if you could just make some choices for us.
Well, I can just put together a bunch of different options for you.
Can feed two.
- Nothing too bananas.
I don't want to, you know.
- Okay.
'Cause I don't know what's what.
- Awesome.
Thank you so much.
- Thanks a lot.
Delicious.
I liked it all.
I guess I didn't get what raw was.
But it felt like real food.
It's not-- Yeah, it didn't feel like a snack.
That second thing was really good.
That sort of ricey, beany I'm gonna be honest with you.
Like, I feel - a little gassy.
- Yeah.
I'm feeling the same thing.
And these wooden seats.
I wish they had cushions or something.
- They would have to wash them all the time, right? - Yes.
Or-- - Will you hold my hand for a second? - Yeah.
You okay? Yeah, I just-- I gotta get this fart out.
I'm gonna keep talking.
Through your fart.
Look, our library is falling apart.
At our school, if they had a new-- - I'm farting right now.
- Mm-hmm.
If they built a new facade or anything in the library-- - I'm still farting.
- Yeah.
Not only would it be out of money-- I mean, the entire town would be out of money.
'Cause a lot of that is subsidized.
I'm farting.
- Yeah.
- And they were trying to work on some kind of a new tennis court-- I'm farting.
And that fell apart.
And I thought-- I'm gonna complain.
I'm farting.
Yeah.
I was-- I was farting during that whole thing.
What do you think about tomorrow? What do you feel like doing? I can't.
I honestly can't think about-- I know, I'm just trying to make conversation.
Hi, you two.
I'm so sorry, but we've been getting a lot of complaints.
Um, if you do need to flatulate, we have a designated area.
Wait--? Ah.
Now I'm all loosey goosey.
Yeah, and it doesn't disturb all the other people eating.
I know.
I felt so constrained in there.
- Huh.
- Wow.
What was that? A little mustard seed? Apple, for some reason.
I'm smelling apple.
- When in Rome.
- Yeah.
Let that fart foam.
Hi, Royce.
I'm her boss! From the Portland Milk Advisory Board.
Last week, we talked about raw cow milk.
It turns out that The process of pasteurization as developed by Louis Pasteur is the only true legal process in the United States.
Instead, we offer you cashew milk.
And everything that she said, I totally know.
But she did such a bang-up job, and Thanks, boss.
One of these days, she's gonna take over.
Louis Pasteur, by the way, was No, he was French.
That doesn't mean he was gay.
This didn't mean gay.
This meant French.
He's my boss.
We'd like to thank Candace and Toni for having us all out here to celebrate the launch of their new comedy section here at the book store.
Let's take you through these little books here.
How The Lioness Lost Her Mane.
My mane looks like a lion chewed its way out.
You know what I mean.
So, Toni, I'm going to go up and do some comedy.
It's gonna be kind of a roast.
- A little bit about you.
- Okay.
It's just how comedy works.
Like, that's kind of-- Is it? Okay.
We're gonna have a special guest up here tonight.
Our very next comedian is Candace from Women And Women First! All right.
Knock 'em dead.
Like to introduce you to the co-owner of Women And Women First.
That's Toni there.
The zoo called.
They want their gorilla back.
Thank you.
Gorilla.
Toni's teeth, I don't know if you've noticed.
Looks like an old graveyard.
Rest in peace.
Toni's parents are idiots.
Couple of dummies.
Sort of met each other and said, "let's make something ugly.
" Um, I've got a really funny joke.
This is a really, really funny one.
This'll make you laugh.
Toni's face.
It looks like it got punched by a boxer.
Lot of people talking about the drug problems going on here in Portland.
There's an ugliness problem too.
I think it's in this area over there.
Should call the ugly police.
Think they have one of those makeover nightsticks.
Except my impression of a cop coming up to her is going like this.
"Uh, oh, sorry.
This is a zoo.
" Gorilla house reference.
Once again.
I love you guys.
What a crowd.
Yay, everybody.
Candace.
Toni.
That's my bag.
Comedy I'm gonna go on.
What? I'm gonna go on.
Oh.
So we have a surprise guest tonight.
Uh, everybody, Toni.
That's my bag.
That's my stuff.
You know what would be funny? If I smashed this.
Is this your apple? Is this your lunch? Oh, my apple.
Oh.
Don't-- What is this? Is this your vibrator? I carry that around because you never know.
I'm putting it out of its misery.
Comedy, comedy, comedy! Such a pussy.
You like Kombucha tea? Aah! Who saw that coming? I did not.
Okay.
Uh, thank you all for coming.
That was great.
Did you like it? I loved it.
We have to do this every week.
I'll destroy you every week.
Yeah, you destroyed.
Literally.
We should have done that as a joke.
Boys and girls, put your hands together for the Defiance Of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals.
How's everyone doing? Did everybody have a really good day today? Uh, this is pretty cool music.
And, uh, just listen with an open mind.
Rejection! I wanna die! I wanna die! I wanna die! I wanna die! I wanna die! I wanna die! Sing along.
Sing along.
Everybody leaves me.
Everybody leaves me.
Ow! And Squiggleman is next.
Hey.
How are you? You don't sound very pleased to see me.
I'll go.
I'll take my bags and I'll leave.
No! How did they react to us? Were we getting this response? You want me to come back? - Yes! - Great.
- Let's go.
- Yeah! ? It's an animal parade ? ? watch the animals ? ? walking down the lane ? ? master fuzzy bunny ? ? and his lucky paw leads the way ? ? the kittens go meow, meow, meow ? ? baby goats go bah, bah ? ? lady goose goes honk, honk ? ? honking on down the road ? ? but then there comes a fright ? ? Mr.
dump truck is in sight ? ? he's a big machine and he screams with a mighty ? - I can't handle this.
Do you? - No.
Can't handle this either.
- I'm out of here, guys.
- Taking off.
? Wha! ? ? jippity jumping ? ? skippity skoppin' ? ? hopping on down the road ? ? wishy washing everyone's noshing on mushrooms ? ? high or low ? ? the rabbit's paw ? ? the rabbit's paw ? This is catchy, right? I will admit it is.
? The rabbit's paw ? ? the rabbit's paw ? ? the rabbit's paw ? ? the rabbit's paw ? ? the rabbit's paw ? ? the rabbit's paw ? ? the rabbit's paw ? That was so good.
We should rethink our whole thing.
It's not about being in a good band.
It's about having a relationship with an audience.
Definitely.
How do we get into that mindset? You want me to stay here? Yeah! Stay forever? Yeah! Alex.
I had to sleep on the couch last night.
Who's that guy? I guess Carrie got lucky.
- Hi, sexy.
- Hi.
Come here.
Uh, actually I have to go.
- Come lay on top of me.
- Mm, no.
Do you know what you said to me last night? I don't wanna know.
I was a little bit drunk.
That I look like a Scottish soccer player.
Trey, this is kind of a mistake.
This was just not who I really am.
And I have to be at the DMV today.
I have an appointment.
'Cause my license is expiring.
So let's go.
Can I stay? Am I allowed to stay in your house? That would be weird for my roommates, I think.
- Could you give me a ride? - Back to your car? I don't have a car.
I don't drive.
Did you know that all car companies are corporations? Trey, I will drive you where you need to go.
- Your house? - Yeah.
Okay.
Can you make me "wittle" bit of coffee? Uh This is so hot! I'll meet you in the car, okay? Wait.
Can I tell you one story before we go? We're going.
But I got to tell you a story.
I opened for sublime.
Can you stop talking for a second? You don't know me.
- Everything you're saying-- - I'm a "wittle" baby.
I need this to end, and I wish it had never started.
Let's go.
Don't you hate metal drummers? The thing about the DMV is it's always crowded.
- You have to take a number.
- Why did you make a left? I don't know where I'm going.
You have to tell me.
- Damn it.
- What? I don't have my keys.
- Is someone at your house? - You know what? My friend Skiz.
Wait.
We have to go somewhere else to get your keys? Yeah, it's not that far.
He's one of the funniest guys I know.
Skiz.
This is your alarm clock.
Throw down the key.
- Babe.
- Oh, my God.
- Thanks.
- Okay, let's go.
No, I gotta go get my key.
That is the key.
No, that's Skiz' key to get in.
- This is a two-key process? - Yeah.
Can I reach you on Facebook? If you are a friend of a friend, you can find me on Facebook.
Oh, I'm not on Facebook.
But you know what I'll do? I'll go on my friend's account.
That doesn't even make sense.
If Ryan messages you, I'm messaging you through that.
What would the point of that be? - Ho-- stop the car! Pull over! - What? Okay.
- Pull over.
- Ugh.
What? So crazy.
Everyone's, like, moving away and some people are moving in.
Come on! I thought you were gonna move to New Orleans.
What the hell are you doing? What are you carrying around with you? Make a slight left onto Interstate Avenue.
- He's in my top-- - Aah! - Aah! - Aah! Aah! Damn it.
Why's all my stuff on the lawn? Wait, that's your stuff? Aw, jeez.
All right, well, good luck with that, Trey.
Huh.
I guess just take me back to your place.
Get out.
I am so over this.
Who is that? Who is that? - D'arcy! What are you doing?! - Who is D'arcy? She got my key.
D'arcy, come on! Don't do that.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Again.
- I don't care! - I care! You're not going anywhere! Who are you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm D'arcy.
I live in this house.
And so does Trey.
Great.
We are trying to make a child.
Did he tell you about that? I actually don't care.
I need you to give me your contact information so I can call my insurance company and have you pay for the window.
Let's just go home.
No, Trey, I want nothing to do with this.
- I want my keys and I want to get out of here.
- Take them.
- Right there.
Get 'em.
- Thank you.
- Carrie? What? Ugh! What are you doing? All right, you know what? I hate you.
You guys deserve each other, and this is the worst day of my life! And if I don't get to the DMV, I am gonna come back here and-- Aah! Stop.
I hate you.
Ugh! Carrie? Thank you.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Are you guys closed? Yeah.
We've been closed for about an hour, but how was your day? It was awful.
Aw.
But we have coffee for you.
And we're gonna make your day a little bit better.
Thank you.
All right.
Let me see that smile.
Ah, there.
Look, look.
Oh.
I've called the cops, and they're gonna take your statement.
Paramedics gonna take care of ? Doesn't matter what we say ? Jerry? ? Today or yesterday ? Hi, guys.
? Isn't it a shame ? Sorry, it was just, like, such an awful day.
Ah.
Excellent.
Start without me.
I'll take my clothes off, and I'll be right there.
No, no, no, that's not what this is about.
We just really wanna talk to you.
We have this band, and we opened up for you, but, like, just, they ignored us, and you're so huge, and we want to do well, you know what I mean? About nine years ago, I managed to convince myself that I was nine years old.
Every day I walk out into the street, I see things as a nine-year-old would see them.
Does that make sense? Yes and no.
I mean What are you sat on? Uh, a bed.
No, it's not.
It's a bouncy-bounce.
Bouncy-bounce.
Okay.
What are those on your feet? They're-- they're shoes.
They're not.
They're your choo-choos.
I mean, how else do you live like a nine-year-old? - I mean, you're drinking.
- You're drinking alcohol.
This isn't alcohol.
This is wee-wee.
Wee-wee.
You can do this.
Really.
Stand up.
- Okay.
- Okay, come on.
Shake it off.
- I mean - That's it.
- I feel silly.
- I know.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
You're nine years old.
It would be nice to not care as much about what other people thought.
It's the best.
I am Michelle.
I am mish mash Michelle.
Makes me wanna go jump on the bed.
On the bouncy-bounce.
Get off there.
- What? - Come off there.
Not on daddy's bouncy-bounce.
You know this.
You can't jump on the bed.
Come on.
We've talked about this.
I told you not to bounce on the bed.
Ow! I never wanna feel bad inside, and I never want any of you to feel bad either.
Friends forever.
- Forever and ever.
- Mm.
I'm gonna get my special glasses in this bag.
Don't talk or go away! Is this working at all? Fantastic.
Keep going.
Use your imagination.
Vegetables! It's imaginary lunchtime! This reviewer couldn't discern exactly what was happening in the video.
He just knows that it transcends children's music on literally every single level.
Hey, you guys, there's this band.
Everything that can be said in kids' music has now been said.
We did it.
Good job, everybody.
Shut down your computers.
Shut down the site.
? It's an animal parade ? ? watch the animals ? ? walking down the lane ? ? master fuzzy bunny ? ? and his lucky paw leads the way ? ? but then there comes a fright ? ? Mr.
dump truck is in sight ? ? he's a big machine and he screams with a mighty roar ? ? climb on board ? ? wha! ?