Raising Hope s03e05 Episode Script

Num-num! We found some extra Halloween boxes.
And by the way, your kid is still screaming for her num-num.
Num-num! - Seriously, Jimmy, either she gets her pacifier or I get a sedative.
One of us is gonna be addicted thinsome-you choose.
The book said to try and go cold-turkey if nothing else works, and nothing else has worked.
See? Doesn't Daddy look silly with I think we should look at the pros and cons of not giving Hope her num-num.
Pro: she's learning to take care of herself.
Con: She'll start sucking her thumb, mess up her teeth, end up going to Winter Formal with her gay best friend because nobody asked the girl with massive braces and headgear.
I'll get her the pacifier.
Num-num! Speaking of pros and cons, what if I dress as a pro and you can go as a con.
Yeah, and you could hit me with this old rubber nightstick.
Wait a minute.
These aren't costumes.
This is Maw Maw and Paw Paw's old sex box! Ugh! Whoo! Here we go Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Hey, I found a couple "C" batteries in Maw Maw's sex box.
We can finally play electronic Battleship.
And you made mice-mallows? I don't care what those guys running for president say, this is the best country in the world.
Sorry, Burt, I can't play Battleship with you.
It's Bunko night.
But last Thursday was Bunko night.
Every Thursday's Bunko night.
Every Thursday? Forever? You'll be okay.
Here.
Have a mice-mallow.
- Feel better? - - A little bit.
E-5.
Miss.
Oh.
Geez.
B-4.
Do you know anything about gay people? I think sometimes they like to wear handkerchiefs.
Okay.
I can work with that.
Do you need to buy a handkerchief? - What? No.
- 'Cause it'd be cool if you did.
No, Sabrina has this gay friend, Jordan, and every time he and his boyfriend come to town, I end up looking like an idiot.
It's like our drama teacher from eighth grade, remember? Mr.
K he was always talking about his mystery wife.
We called her Mrs.
Beard.
Well, guess where I ran into him.
It starts with "Fire" and it ends with "Island.
" Oh, you're so bad! Oh, James looks lost.
No.
I Your teacher's wife had some unfortunate facial hair, and then he ended up on a burning island.
Uh, no, we just had a teacher who's obviously gay who refused to come out.
Oh, I get it.
Yeah, it's stupid when a gay guy tries to act like a normal person.
Jimmy.
I did it again? - That's offensive? - You didn't know that, either? How am I supposed to know that? I don't know any gay people.
When I'd watch Will & Grace, I'd fall asleep.
Till that lady with the squeaky voice came on.
Is it weird that we don't really know any gay people? We clean pools and cut lawns.
There's not a lot of gay guys in that profession.
It's not like we've been avoiding them.
I guess that's true.
But it doesn't help me not look like an idiot.
And they're staying with her again this week.
You know what you should do? You should go to a gay bar.
- Wait.
What? - You need to find out what's okay to say and not to say, and what all these words mean.
It's like how I used to have nothing to say to Cockney Carl while he was repairing my mower.
Then I learned some Cockney rhyming slang.
Na we can rabbit and pork aw the nickel and dime.
Yeah, would you come with me? I have always wanted to know what goes on in those places.
Who buys the drinks? Do they have a women's bathroom, or just twice as many urinals? If you say to the bartender, "I'm in the mood for some nuts," what do you get? When you think about it, I'm super gay-curious.
Aw, but I'm right in the middle of a game.
- Against yourself? - I'm very evenly matched.
I'm guaranteed to win.
I'm the perfect opponent.
You're also guaranteed to lose.
True.
I hate losing.
Okay.
I offer myself a draw.
Draw accepted.
Let's go.
- Huh.
- What? I don't know.
I assumed there'd be more hot pants.
Burt? Steve! Guy! What are the odds that two other straight Wait a minute.
Are you telling me my wholesale flower vendors are gay? Guilty.
What are you doing here? Are you No, my son's nervous to meet someone, so I just thought I'd offer support.
Oh, he's your son.
We were saying you could do a lot better.
Let us buy you a drink.
Okay.
Bye, Jimmy.
Good luck.
Here I thought the most interesting thing about you was you were a guy named Guy.
Ooh, I've got oodles of secrets.
And I've got oodles of time.
I think.
"Oodles" is a gay form of measurement, right? While Dad was getting to meet some old friends, I was getting to meet some new ones.
That's amazing.
So, "glory hole" has nothing to do with a donut.
Oh, I get it.
Is it true you guys wax the fellas? I have a lot of dreams about dolphins.
Does that mean anything? So, if you bite me, there's absolutely no chance I'll turn gay? Oh, maybe I did just make that up in my head.
Oh, I get it! A bear's a guy.
Ah, that makes way more sense.
Well, you know, it's not nearly as impressive.
Well, of course, I mean, who wouldn't want a shower made out of gold? Where were you? It's so late.
I was at a gay bar with Jimmy.
I was having so much fun, I just lost track of time.
You were where? It was amazing, Virginia.
It changed my life.
Changed my life! Changed your life how? It was fabulous.
I could order those fruity drinks I love without feeling judged by some breeder.
Breeder? That's me and you because we make babies.
Oh.
I'm telling you, this place was incredible.
Get this: I fast-danced.
You fast-danced? In public? You hate fast-dancing in public.
That's because there's always women around that I know are making fun of the way my shoulders go up and down.
But at The Polka Dot, there's no women.
You look like you're trying to shake a lizard off your back.
That's just what a woman would say.
But at The Polka Dot, they just make a circle around you and clap.
I can't wait till next Thursday.
So, while I'm at Bunko, your Thursday night thing's going to be hanging out at a gay bar? Is it too weird? It's weird, isn't it? No.
I have my thing with the ladies.
I guess you should get to have your thing with the boys.
Thanks.
And don't worry: I'll always be the same guy you married.
Do you think it be weird if I shaved my chest? Some of the other guys are doing it.
Give it a try.
Okay, two words.
Freddy Mercury.
You got it, Jimmy.
I'm turning in my gay card.
'Cause Freddy Mercury is gay.
Yeah, I-I got that.
Even though he never came out publicly, after his death, he became a gay icon.
I'm sure he and Rock Hudson are laughing about it over Cosmopolitans in gay heaven right now.
Rumor has it it's somewhere above Palm Springs.
Am I right, fellas? Oh, ho, ho.
Well, as much as we love charades, there's another reason why we came to visit.
Remember how in high school you were so generous and let borrow your leggings when I went through my Elizabeth Berkley Showgirls phase? Oh, my God, I still think you would have been better in that movie than she was.
Oh, I agree.
Thank you.
But now we want to borrow something even more important of yours: an egg and your uterus.
- What? - What? We want to have a family, but we're both sterile.
If you ever spend time in Africa, do not wear glow-in-the-dark G-strings that you bought on the street.
They don't have an FDA there.
Uh Anyway, Elijah's brother said he would donate and I figured you're like a sister to me, so Friends.
Acquaintances, really.
Yes.
Of course I will, yes.
- Oh, my God, really? - Yes.
I love you.
So, you agreed to rent out your fiance's uterus? I wouldn't call it "renting.
" They're not paying us.
So, you agreed to let someone freeload on her uterus' couch? That's even worse.
Well, I didn't agree to anything.
I just lost the argument.
I just thought we would have discussed it before you agreed to have another man's baby.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Yeah, I mean, we're engaged.
We should talk about these things.
Let's just discuss this in a reasonable manner.
Here are my pros: Jordan and Elijah would make great fathers.
Hope would have a cousin.
For nine months I'd have huge boobs.
Let's hear the cons.
All right, uh, here we go.
Number one, when I think about you doing it, it makes my tummy hurt And now, I'm realizing I shouldn't have numbered these because that's it.
Okay.
Looks like I'm having their baby.
Your problem is you're trying to win an argument with words.
We're not word people, Jimmy.
We're more uh th Listen, within our family, we can debate each other because none of us is that great with words.
It's a fair fight.
But out there in the world, there are people who can use words as weapons.
They're crafty.
That's close, but not quite right.
You'll never win an argument with Sabrina unless you learn how to be Trickerish.
I like it.
Trickerish.
You need to learn how to be more trickerish.
- Trickerisher.
- Trickerisher.
But I already said that she could have the baby.
But what if Jordan and Elijah change their minds? That is very offensive, Virginia.
They were born this way.
Not about being gay.
We need to get them to change their minds about wanting a baby.
That is the definition of trickerish.
So we came up with a plan to make Jordan and Elijah realize they'd be giving up their fabulous life if they had a baby.
And the best day to do that on was Gay Christmas.
Or Halloween as we call it.
Step 1 was dressing Hope up as something Jordan and Elijah couldn't resist.
And step 2 was making sure that Sabrina was out of the way.
James.
Didn't you see the costume sign-up sheet? I already called "Buying-in-Bulk Hulk.
" Oh.
You better just go home because you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
I'll call somebody else in.
Hey, you know, Sabrina's available.
Step 3: (doorbell rings) Trick or treat.
set the bait.
Oh Jimmy, she's so cute.
Ooh.
Hello.
What? A fire at the orphanage? I'm on my way.
Hey, guys, can you help me out? I'm a volunteer fireman, and I don't have time to drop Just go, go, go.
We got her.
Bring back some calendars.
Pull the pin and wait for the explosion.
You're dressing as a mailman? I'm one of the Village People.
There's no mailman in the Village People.
I know there isn't.
I was gonna say I added a mailman to the Village People 'cause I deliver the biggest package.
Is that weird for a straight guy to say to another guy in a gay bar? No, I think we're still on the good side of weird here.
So for Bunko night, you dressed up as a lady with a spaghetti stain on her pants? No, they called off Bunko 'cause it's Halloween.
Oh.
Oh, I didn't know Well, maybe I shouldn't go.
No, you should go.
What if the Indian needs to send an urgent letter to the construction guy? I'll just give candy to the kids.
You know I love that.
Cool.
I'd bring you with me, but all the other married guys' wives don't even know they're there.
Have fun.
Trick or treat.
Just take the whole thing.
I'm going to bed.
Num-num! Num-num! Honey, stop.
Num-num! Hey, what are you doing here? We had to close the store early.
Barney had a toxic reaction to all the green body paint he was wearing.
It's burning.
My face is burning.
So I thought I'd drop off my moped and go meet Jordan and Elijah at the Polka Dot.
What are you doing here? You know, Hope got tired of trick or treating, so I left her with my mom, and then I came back to, uh, to scare some kids.
Seems like the type of thing a normal 25-year-old man would do.
No, it's fun.
Watch.
Nice.
So you wanna come to the Polka Dot, or do you wanna scare more kids? Polka Dot.
Hey, nice costume, pal.
Not many people can pull off Hitler.
Hey.
Uh, listen, buddy.
I Virginia? Sorry.
Am I ruining guys' night? No, thank God it's you.
Good.
'Cause I missed you.
Besides I really wanted to see you dance.
Then I must be a cat stuck in a tree and the fire truck is here, 'cause it is time for me to get down! I can't believe how long we had to stand in that line.
I know.
This place gets really crowded when you're allowed to wear a mask.
Hey, wait.
Is that your dad? Yeah.
I've never seen him happier.
Okay, that's a little much.
Dad.
I think you might have had a little too much to Mom? That's right.
I'm here, we're queer.
Get used to it.
Whoa.
Wait a second.
If you guys are here, then who's watching Hope? Okay, I admit it: I made a mistake.
I'll just tell them I'm sorry.
No, Jimmy, you ruined Halloween for two gay men.
"Sorry" is not gonna cut it.
Where's Hope? Sleeping.
Oh, so sweet.
- She didn't scream the whole time? - Oh, she screamed.
We had to find a way to stop her from screaming, and believe me, we tried everything.
Eventually, when we calmed down, we realized we'd learned how to deal with this from all the parenting books we'd read.
You read parenting books? Yeah.
Who'd have a child without doing the research? Um, maybe someone who's prepared to make a series of hopefully entertaining mistakes.
Well, anyway, because of her age, and the behavior she was exhibiting, we realized that what she wanted was her pacifier.
And we knew we could settle her down by just getting one.
But then we thought: That was just helping us.
So we decided to wean her off of it entirely.
We read that going cold turkey on the pacifier - could be traumatizing for a child.
- But what if we could find a num-num that would gradually go away on its own? Got it! Yay! Pop! Pop-pop-pop! Patty-cake! Right there.
You know patty-cake? And once we got past the whole num-num issue, we were able to relax and have a great time with your fantastic daughter.
Ah! Wow.
That's amazing! I've been trying to get her to kick the habit, and it looks like you guys did it.
You guys are good at this.
You guys are gonna be such great dads.
Well if we get a baby as great as Hope.
Uh, hint, hint.
You guys want to keep Hope? No.
But we want one just like her.
We were talking about it, and is there any way you'd consider being our donor instead of Elijah's brother? - What? - Wait.
If you're using my egg, and Jimmy's sperm, aren't we just having a baby that we're giving to you? No, that'd be too weird.
- Ugh.
- And, um to be honest, you weren't Elijah's first choice anyway.
Not that you aren't great.
It's just that Petra's so much better.
- Petra? - Our barista.
She's tall, has gorgeous blonde hair A barista? I'm losing out to a barista? Aren't you a cashier at a grocery store? Yeah.
But I do that ironically.
Wow.
I am honored that you guys would ask.
- Wha - I'll do it! - Really? - Yes.
We're having a baby! Whoo! How does this work with Petra? Do I call her? Do you call her? I mean You should come look at Hope while she's sleeping.
She looks just like a little angel.
Imagine something that cute that could also work an espresso machine.
Okay, first of all, this Petra? She's steaming milk, not splitting atoms.
Second of all Jimmy I thought we were going to talk about big decisions before we went and just made them.
You're right.
You're right.
That was a rash decision.
We totally should've done pros and cons.
Pros: they'll be great fathers.
Instead of a cousin, Hope will have a half-sister.
And you won't have any stretch marks.
Wow, I've actually got pros.
This is fun when you have pros.
Okay, what are the cons? I got nothing.
Really? I won an argument with words? - It looks that way.
- Cool.
Well, let's go and tell the guys the good news.
Um no, you go ahead.
I I don't feel so good.
Are you sick? I don't know.
This whole thing just kind of makes my stomach hurt.
You know what? I don't think I want to be the sperm donor.
- Really? - Yeah.
Look, I know how you feel.
Sometimes you can't explain or defend why you feel a certain way about something, but that doesn't mean you're not right.
If this makes you feel weird, that's enough for me.
You win.
Thank you.
God, Jimmy, I'm sorry.
I mean, I really should have done the same thing when you said your stomach hurt.
It's okay.
At least we got a good story out of it.
And the only person I want to donate sperm to is you.
That didn't sound as romantic out loud as it did in my head.
Mm-mm.
I guess we should probably go tell Jordan and Elijah.
I can't believe I have to deny people my sperm.
I mean, there was a time I couldn't give this stuff away.
This is starting to get weird, isn't it? Yeah.
- Yeah, it's getting weird.
- Let's get out of here.
All right, but walk slow.
The cucumber in my pants is starting to slip.