Reno 911! (2003) s03e05 Episode Script

- [police radio.]
13 central.
- George.
Go.
- 45.
Don't even have to look at it.
[wheels screech.]
[horn plays "battle hymn of the republic".]
- Ho! That's fast eddie mclintock.
- Eat my dust, boys! - Holy--son of a bitch! - We're gonna get you, eddie! - Whoo! Ho ho! - Yeah! - Aah! [tires screeching.]
[whimpering.]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! - It's all right.
- Aah! - Are we ok? - We need to start wearin' seatbelts, man! mtv networks.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! [electric sizzle.]
- Aah! Oh! Oh! - Uh, fast eddie mclintock Is a criminal.
He is aRecidivist speeder.
He is a drug peddler and fencer-- - And the best in the business.
- Best in the business.
Can't be topped.
- He's the, uhHe's the, uhDale earnhardt ofI Was gonna say of drivin' fast, But it doesn't really make sense.
- No, that's the dale earnhardt thing.
- Yeah, that's dale earnhardt.
- He's the tommy tune of Fuck it.
- Ok, I just got this fax from the Department of motor vehicles.
From your description and the other officers, obviously this Is fast eddie mclintock we're dealing with, it seems like.
Probably runnin' meth, we suspect, from here To california.
So we're gonna assign some roadblocks.
We're gonna cover 80 eastbound and westbound, both sides, And the 395, obviously, are our biggies.
- Knowing him, he'll take the 60 over to the westside And then jump over to the 42 up to the westside pavilion.
- Trudy, trudy, save the make-me-ups Inside--inside here.
Yeah.
So, any other ideas for fast eddie mclintock? - An oil slick? - It's a little wiley coyote.
- Yeah, why don't we paint a fake Tunnel onto the mountain-- - You can throw oil-- - And we're lure him with bird seed into the tunnel.
- You can also bring in some quicksand, too.
[siren.]
- ♪ one time for your mind ♪ [rap music plays.]
- Ok.
Ok.
[turns music off.]
- So why do you think we came here today? - ToSteal a brother's thunder, right? Comin' all up in here, being likeMmm! He's gettin' his groove on again.
Gots to stop a brother! - Uh, no.
The dry cleaners across the street are complaining About the music.
- This is private property.
Take your cardboard box--your box and get on outta here.
- Yo, you know what? This box used to have children's toys in it that I Used to give to children.
And then I put the box down to show, like, mm, there's peace In the hood.
Finally, my brothers and sisters can unite-- - This is all for charity? - Straight up.
Straight up.
I'm pop-lockin' for cancer, yo.
Children's research-- - You got a permit? - I do.
I do.
- Let's see it.
- Check me out.
Where's it at? Feel it up.
I'm just sayin' it's right down in the gold mine.
- Then you can find it.
In the gold mine.
I don't have my miner hat.
- Oh, baby, come on.
You wanna get some spelunkin' on? - Sp--sp-- - you know what I'm sayin'? - Spelunking? - Yeah, it's like-- it's a black thing, man.
- Stop, ok? You're not black.
- I am black-- - Wearin' a wave cap and a 1989 chain doesn't make you black.
- Yo, man, bah-ling.
- You're not black.
You're not.
- How you know, though? How you know, man? - How do I know? I'm lookin' at you right now.
- I ain't callin' you up.
All right, come on, dawg.
- What-- - Where you at? - I'm right here.
- No, you know you're not.
You ain't nowhere.
You ain't here.
Yeah.
Come on! - Oh! Oh! - Pah! Pah! - Oh, shit.
- That's like the cabbage apple or somethin', right? - Right.
That's a tom and jerry.
The box and the 40 are mine.
The box and the 40 are mine.
- Leave at least half of that, man.
Hook me up! - No.
- My mouth is all dry and shit From smokin' the chronic! - Ask in a real way.
- [serious voice.]
Officer, I would really like to have my 40-ouncer and my Boom box, which I enjoy playing music on--I would Enjoy to get them back.
- No! Found property.
- Daaaaamn! [siren.]
[loud music playing.]
[knocking.]
- Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department.
- Oh, ladies, the police are here! - Whoo! [overlapping yelling.]
- Ok, ladies.
OK! Please don't do that.
LadiesLadiesI need you ladies to be Ladies, please! I need your attention! Ok! All right.
Fun's over, ok? Look, this is the third time someone from the reno Sheriff's department has been called out here tonight, All right? Why? Because you guys keep making noise.
You keep chattering.
You keep whooping it up.
People can't sleep, and this is getting stupid, ok? 'cause I got real things to do, ladies.
I'm not some little fou-fou play toy stripper Puppet cop, ok? Do you think I have the time to come here to a girls-gone- Wild-stupid-harlot- slutty-I'm-gonna- Get-married party? No! I need to be out there on the streets protecting children, Protecting women, protecting old people.
Please respect the badge, ok? Please respect the reno sheriff's department.
That's all I'm askin'.
Now, don't make me come back here again! - ♪ hey, ladies, hey, ladies ♪ ♪ hey, ladies, say, what? ♪ Whoo! - ♪ ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪ - The legend I heard of who is fast eddie mclintock, that was The question that the chetwood brothers were asking.
You remember joey chetwood and his brother bobby chetwood.
They used to be on the stunt drivin'.
Well, legend has it they ran out a good man named Eddie mclintock.
Did not want him on their team 'cause he was too good.
- Made 'em look bad.
- Made 'em look bad.
Spread some rumors, turned him bad.
Now he's a law breaker.
- Turned to a life of crime by the stunt industry.
- And a road speeder.
- Hell of a driver.
Man, I'd love to shake his hand.
I mean, I know as the police, I shouldn't Say that, butI'd love to shake his hand.
- Hey, anybody that can piss off the Chetwood brothers, I'd like to shake their hand, too.
'cause they're assholes.
- Spike strip's set.
- Look alive, people.
- [claps hands.]
Bring it on, fast eddie.
- Somethin's comin'.
Somethin's comin'.
Talk to me.
Talk to me.
- Ford escort.
- Lieutenant, I get to shoot on sight, right? - Do not shoot! No shooting! What did I say? If we shoot him, there will not be a group photo, period.
End of story.
- If we don't get to shoot, why am I holding this? - It's a visual aide.
It implies authority.
- 'k.
- He's gotta come through this way.
- No other way around.
- 8 is blocked.
Route 64's been out for 2 months.
That bridge is out.
He's gotta come through this way or he can't get Outta truckee.
[horn plays "battle hymn of the republic".]
- Whoo!! - Eat my dust, boys! - Go! - Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! - Holy shit! - Stop-- - Whoa! Whoa! - Oh! Ah! - Oh, god! Oh, my god.
- Oh, poop.
- Well, spike strip works.
- The legend I heard about fast eddie mclintock was that He was on dale earnhardt's original home depot team until He was horribly scarred in an accidentAnd the jeff gordon Pretty boy faction in nascar Kept him outta the race.
They pulled strings and machinations so that he--they Didn't want nobody ugly in nascar.
Now that I say that out loud, that sounds really stupid, So it probably ain't true.
- Lindsay - Lohan.
- Wow! You know that girl's only 15 years old? - Yeah.
Not fair that everywhere you go, there's somebody waiting To take a picture of you, 'cause when your bosoms do ThatScroll downWhoa! - [whistles.]
Ah, fair's fair.
- She's 15, huh? Really? Lindsay lohan.
- Eat my dust, boys! ["battle hymn of the republic horn".]
- Oh, my god! This is dangle and junior.
We're in hot pursuit of fast eddie mclintock! - Got him! - Got him! Ya got him! - The bridge has been out down here for 6 weeks! - We're about to catch fast eddie mclintock! - He hit it! - Oh, my god.
He made it.
- Aah! - Travis! Travis! Travis! Travis! Trav-- - So we know that there was This man here--hello!-- In a jewelry store, helping himself to a little Bling-bling.
But what we're interested in is who his 2 friends were.
- [speaking japanese.]
- Yes, he has a lot of friends.
- Sir, that's not the question my partner is asking, ok? I want you to ask him in stern tones What are the names of his two friends, please.
- [speaking japanese.]
- He likes jennifer anniston and matt leblanc the most.
- Hey.
I don't think you're understanding my Partner here, ok? - You're not getting the sentiment across! You may be conveying the dialogue we're having here, But you're not gettin'-- I'm angry! Tell him I'm angry! I want you to name names! - No problem.
[speaking japanese.]
- [singing in japanese.]
- No, no, no, no! - Hey, hey! This ain't no saki-saki sing-along, ok? Goddamn it, you asshole! Now listen to me! I wanna know-- - No, he's not the one.
- Listen to me! You know what I'm talkin' about? I'm talking about ripping your fucking Head off, ok, and putting it on the fucking Toilet and flushin' it down! You tell us the fucking Names of those two people, or we will fucking Rock your world! - [speaking japanese.]
- Hmm.
[speaking japanese.]
- AhThere seems to be a misunderstanding.
- Yeah, you betcha.
- He is store ownerNot burglar.
Same japanese.
Wrong person.
- We apologize.
Arigato.
- Very disgraceful.
- Sorry.
[door closes.]
- Have you ever, uhHad aFace-to-face WithFast eddie? - I almost had a face-to-face with fast eddie.
We were, uh - You know what? I'm sorry.
I don't feel comfortable with your arm there.
Thank you.
- All right, everybody.
Ok.
Shh.
- Settle down.
- All right, everybody.
Settle down.
I know it's been an exciting morningGetting your Scoliosis tests, and now this.
We're got reno's sheriff department here, and right now They are gonna sing a song about what happens to people Who do graffiti.
[blues music plays.]
- ♪ oh, I'm so lowdown ♪ ♪ I don't know what I'm gonna do ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ ♪ I used to go skateboarding ♪ ♪ now I get raped without no warning ♪ ♪ I got the "I'm in prison 'cause I did graffiti blues" ♪ ♪ if I had a time machine ♪ ♪ I'd set it to before I did graffiti ♪ ♪ and I'd go back ♪ - Yeah! - ♪ I don't think y'all heard me ♪ ♪ I said if [high note.]
I ♪ ♪ had a time machine, I'd set it to before I did graffiti ♪ ♪ and I'd go back, yes ♪ ♪ I've been stabbed ♪ ♪ with a broken broom ♪ ♪ and jacked off in the weight room ♪ ♪ and I'm hiding all my valuables ♪ ♪ up my crack ♪ ♪ whoa, yeah, yeah ♪ - Whoo! [microphone feedback.]
- Those of us who weren't raised by grand theft auto, We applaud after we see something.
- I've never chased fast eddie mclintock.
I don't chase, you know, uh, as a rule.
My feeling is as a--as a, you know, police deputy and as A human being, if you love something, you should Set it free, you know? That's the old adage.
And in this case, it's not so much love as it is laziness.
ButIt's too much work, the running and the chasing.
Where the hell are they? - I don't know.
This is the end, right? There's-- - PursuitAnd I lost 'em.
[police radio in background.]
- What happened? - WellDead end.
- Think they're hiding? Oh, my god! - Oh, dear! - Should we call for backup? - Guys? - Junior?! - Oh, no.
Oh, I hope they're not dead.
- Damn that fast eddie mclintock! - Ha ha ha ha ha! - Did you get him? - No, we did not get him.
- Well, we'd give you a ride, but I Don't want you getting my car all wet.
- Both my nuts went up.
- Want me to help suck your balls back down? - Man, one time I was behind, UhFast eddie mclintock on a 2-county chase, And it was like 14 or We had deputies.
We had state troopers.
I was way bringing up the rear of the pack.
And it was one of those deals where he took the corner And the first cop didn't make it.
Then a cop went into him And a cop went into him and a cop went into him, and it was Like a 15-car pileup.
I mean, I could see the wreck.
I had a half a mile to stop, but I just gassed it.
'cause when do you get a chance to, like, be in a 15- Car pileup? - How often does that come up? Not all that often.
- Fucking awesome.
- We just need to ask him things imperative to The investigation.
That's it.
Do not engage him.
Kimball.
C.
- Trudy.
Wiegel.
So here's what you're gonna want to know.
This is the guy who eats people's faces.
- Uh-huh.
- So you don't want to make eye contact with him, or he'll Swallow your soul.
Hi, mike! - Hi, trudy.
- Mike? Yeah.
Oh! They found, uh, another skull.
- Where? - It was in a bathtub.
You had gone to the dump, I guess, And you put it very cleverly in a zip lock Baggie in a bathtub.
- [chuckles.]
Did you find that one? - No, no.
Oh, my god, no.
They don't put me on things like that.
But, umHere's the deal.
Ok.
We got on the computer, and we're looking for the mug Shot files from '97--no, from 80-- - '87 to '92.
- '87 to '92, right? And I believe you're the one who set up this file.
Well, we get on the thingAnd we see The file, right? But we can't open it.
- Or you can open it, but then once you open it, it's a bunch Of gobbledygook.
It's like xg7tree, you know, smiley face - Are you using a mac? - No.
We're using a dell.
- That shouldn't happen.
Did you go under the control panel and under options - Uh-huh.
- Extension file? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I tried that.
I know.
That was the second thing you would think.
Didn't work, so - Really? I had started entering files in, um, you know, before java Script was sort of implemented, and I think some Of the later files are in java, and it sort of, I don't Know, it backed up the whole thing or something.
- Ok.
Pfftt.
Well, we appreciate your help, mike.
- Mm-hmm.
You wanna hear a joke? - Ok! - I heard a joke the other day.
- Yeah? - Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Jethro.
- Jethro who? - Jethro 'im down the stairs, and I'll stab him With my screwdriver.
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha! - [trudy talking softly.]
- It was more something I overheard.
- Oh.
- That's a good one, mike.
- Uh, there's 2 or 3 kinds Of driving in law enforcement.
There's defensive driving, there's offensive driving, And then there's evasive driving.
- Wait a minute.
There's a fourth.
There's a fourth.
There is "I want to put my car in the lake because I wanna see What's goin' on in there" driving.
- Do you feel like that was a good representation of you? Of the kind of person you are? - Yeah.
I think it was fairly accurate.
- WellFast eddie's probably, uh In california by now.
Not to sound like a broken record, but gosh darn that Fast eddie mclintock! - 91, fast ed mclintock.
- Trace the call.
Get it.
Get it.
[beep.]
- reno sheriff's department.
- Reno sheriff's department, this is fast eddie mclintock, And I'm just callin' to pay my respects and tell you that I Have been chased by everybody, but now I have been chased By the best.
I left ya a little something out in the hallway.
Keep your wheels to the road now, and I'll see you out On the highway! [beep.]
- There is something out there.
- Be careful! Be careful! - Is it tickin'? - Listen.
Shh, shh, shh.
Right there.
- On 3.
- 12-- - [gasps.]
Whoa! That's beautiful! - Cl-ass! - Are those good songs on it? - Those are all great songs.
- Every single one of 'em.
- Look at 'em.
Wow.
- I traced the call.
It's comin' from the parking lot.
mtv networks Captioned by the --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- [siren.]
- Stop.
Ok? You're not black.
All right? I don't why you're speaking that way.
- Right.
- Why you're speaking that way-- - Well, wait.
- In fact, if you have an I.
D.
On you, I'd like to see what it says on there.
- You want to see an I.
D.
? ♪ is it in this pocket? Is it in this pocket? ♪ ♪ I don't know what pocket it's in ♪ Check it out.
♪ I got an I.
D.
♪ ♪ it's out in my car, see? ♪ ♪ but I ain't got it right now ♪ ♪ so, and you're gonna be wearing ♪ ♪ a frown, what? ♪ ♪ jigga, jigga jig, jigga what? ♪ See, dude? Freeze.
Now, that was black, yo.