Rick and Morty (2013) s03e05 Episode Script

Jerry! Jerry, come on! We got to go! You got to come with me, Jerry! Rick? It's important, Jerry.
The fate of the galaxy rests on your shoulders.
Let's go.
Put some pants on.
N-Never mind, there's no time for pants, Jerry.
I'll make you a pair of pants on the way.
It's a Rick and Jerry adventure! Rick and Jerry episode! Then I thought, "Hey, what about Jerry? He's He's good with regular folk.
" This is a real situation where where Where Jerry could really shine.
"He's a master convincer.
" Rick, I'm not an idiot.
I know what this is.
Oh.
Okay, well, I told Morty, "Look, parents get divorced.
They get sad.
He'll be fine," but I think he's worried you're gonna, you know Pbht! And you know how Morty gets when he gets emotional.
It impedes my work.
So, I told him I'd take you out and give you a win.
Wait.
My son asked you to take me on some kind of pity adventure to keep me from killing myself? Wait, w-what did you think it was? An execution.
Geez! You really do need a win.
No! I-I don't know.
I mean, you never made me the pants, so So, you thought I was gonna drive you into the middle of the galaxy and shove you into the vacuum of space with your dick hanging out? And we're seeing how you'd act if that were about to happen? I mean I'll make you the pants right now.
Take me two seconds to make you pants.
I have pants at home! Jerry, if I make pants, they'll be better than your pants at home.
Also, if I wanted to kill you Yeah, I get it.
It would be amazing.
Please, take me home.
I'll tell my son we had an amazing adventure.
Well, if it's all the same, could we go get our story straight? Because you're a terrible liar.
You called me a master convincer! You believed me? Huh.
This seems kind of fancy.
Jerry, for all you know, this is the equivalent of an alien truck stop.
You have no frame of reference.
You're in a universe beyond your imagining.
But, yes, it is super fancy.
I mean, my job here is to make Morty happy.
I'm not gonna take you somewhere dangerous.
Rick Sanchez.
I told you if I ever saw your face in here again, I would stick you like the pig you are.
Shnoopy Bloopers, I told you if you tried There'd be two funerals.
Aaah!! Someone? Uh, someone? Someone! My friend! It has been too long.
Oh, it's great to see you again, buddy! Yeah, you're doing it.
Mr.
Sanchez gets anything he wants! The resort's covered in an immortality field.
You can't die here.
That's the gimmick.
Okay, but still Bad parenting.
Hey, rich a-holes are rich a-holes.
They all pay top dollar to come here and enjoy a consequence-free vacation.
No death, no disease, no dismemberment.
Can't even have a heart attack.
Got it.
The perfect place to take the most fragile being in the universe.
I can tell you expect me to refute that, but it's right on the money.
If I come home without you, I doubt Morty's gonna let me off the hook.
Yeah, but what if you came home with Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum? What the are you talking about, Jerry? Jesus! Holy shit! Yo, what's up, "Big Chill"?! Don't go into the telepod! Hey, maybe we would have fun on a fake adventure.
On a fake adventure.
Speaking of What are we gonna tell Morty? I don't know.
But whatever it is, we're gonna need a couple more of these babies! What's wrong? Mom, do you think I'm hot? I don't think that's something that matters.
So, I'm not hot?! I'm saying the part of you that cares about that is a part you shouldn't give any energy to.
That's not an answer! Because I'm not an issue of Cosmo, okay? I'm your mother and a doctor, and I'm hideous! Geez.
What's with her? Teenage-girl stuff.
Is that a hoof collage? It's perfectly legal, if that's what you're wondering.
Cool zies.
"We just don't have anything in common any more, Summer.
" Oh, yeah, Ethan? What do you have in common with Tricia Lange? A mutual love of French cinema? The belief that a carbon tax is the only viable solution to climate change? Or could it be her massive stripper titties?! There it is.
Boob-ya! And that's when Malakai the Squid came, rips off his face, and beneath it is my face.
I liked it.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah, of course he likes it.
Look at him.
Mother got two heads and three trunks.
All right, we'll put a pin in it.
I'm gonna go take a leak.
What the?! My hands are dry! My hands are dry! My name is Risotto Groupon.
I am the assistant general manager of the restaurant.
Do you have any comment cards, because I might have some thoughts.
My kingdom was usurped by force with weapons and technology supplied by your father-in-law! Hey, he usurped my kingdom, too, man.
He basically got me kicked out of my home, stole my family.
Then we are brothers, and you have wondered what your life could have been without Rick.
Wondered? Sure.
I mean, I've wondered about having a vagina.
Would you help me kill him? What? No! He's my wife's father.
Move on.
Do you like theme-park rides? Oh, you really moved on.
There is a popular attraction here called the Whirly Dirly.
Between the first whirly and the third dirly, the ride dips just outside the immortality field.
You're asking me to lure Rick to his death? I'm only asking you to go on a ride with Rick, get off the ride without Rick, and go home to your family, where you can wonder about having a vagina.
Okay, okay, that was a very specific example pulled from thin air.
I don't want to be known as the vagina guy.
Risotto, you're needed.
Someone ordered the Nuzzy Guzzy Fresh and Fluzzy Special.
Look, I'm not like Rick, so you're free to do as you please.
But there comes a time in every man's life when he must choose the foundation on which his legacy will be built One of compromise or one of blood.
Oh, yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oops! Okay, a little more on the other side then.
Oh, come on! Oh, geez! Aah! Stop! So, the hospital just let you walk right out of there with horse parts in a bag? For Christ's sakes, Morty, women going through a divorce need a creative outlet.
What was that? Summer! I'm coming, Summer! What the hell happened?! How do we get her back to normal?! I don't know, man! This thing is pretty complicated.
I-I'm gonna call Rick.
Well, hold on.
We can't just call your grandpa whenever there's a problem.
We can handle this ourselves.
I mean, I don't see the point in trying to.
This is obviously Rick-level I have a medical degree.
Is that what this is about? L-Like, you want to prove yourself? Oh, it's not about anything, Morty.
How dare you? Okay, good.
Then I'll just call Ow! Morty, I need this.
Hey, Jerry, triple trunks here says he knows a place where the ladies drop panties for anyone bi-pedal.
Yeah, I'm not really interested.
My heart still belongs to Beth.
Oh.
Huh.
Okay.
What, you don't think I have a shot? I didn't say that.
Excuse me.
May I have another one of these? Coming right up.
Hmm, things weren't always so bad between Beth and me.
We had some good times when we were younger.
Oh, yeah, I bet.
That's how teenage pregnancy happens, my friend.
Yeah, no.
Things were pretty great, even until a couple of years ago.
Jerry, I get it.
That's around the time I moved in with you guys.
Oh, I guess you're right.
Jerry, you know, I hope you're not suggesting that I had anything to do with your marriage breaking up, because there are some major issues between you and Beth that have been there since you guys met.
Hey, to new beginnings.
To the Whirly Dirly.
The Whirly Dirly? All right, what's going on here? When did you get cool?! When you stole my wife! I should have done that a long time ago! We're going on the Whirly Dirly! Whirly Dirly, baby.
Aha, look at this.
It says "normalize.
" I bet if we just press that But if the machine was made by spider people, normal would mean eight legs.
Oh, God! Are you gonna go on another spiel like you did with the flesh-colored crayon? I'm pretty sure "normalize" will make her normal.
Aah! I'd call that progress.
She's huge! And normal! I'm not normal! Mom! Okay, this says "reverse.
" Done and done.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Oh, come on! What else could "reverse" possibly mean? Aah! Mom, call Rick! Thank you.
There's a customer-service number on here.
Mom! Oh, man.
This is gonna be awesome! I got to hand it to you, Jerry.
This was a solid idea.
Uh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
And you know what? I'll cop to it.
I put a lot of strain on your marriage.
It wasn't fair.
I'm sorry.
What?! I didn't respect your marriage.
I certainly didn't do it any favors.
And for what it's worth, I'll apologize to Beth for it when we get home.
Whoo! Whirly Dirly! Yeah! Stop the ride! We got to get off.
What are you talking about, buddy? We got to get out of this thing.
We got to get out! Jerry, come on, man! We haven't even gotten to the first whirly.
No, no, this sucks.
It's so boring.
I mean, I'm falling asleep here.
Let's just get out and crawl down the sides.
Uh, get down! Duck down! It's more fun when you scrunch down.
Jerry, what the Oh Rick, up here! There's a spot where you can kill him! Good call, Jerry! Hey, how'd you know about that? Uh Lisa? So, uh, Jerry, big fan of the Whirly Dirly, are you? Not anymore.
Obviously.
But when you were, how did you know about it? We had a deal, Jerry Smith.
It's a really common name.
Now, take it easy, Rick.
You've been in a serious roller-coaster crash.
It's It's no time to be thinking about who did or didn't play a role in your attempted murder.
Get it off me! It's eating me! Look, I confess, okay? They told me about all the bad stuff you did to this planet and reminded me of all the bad stuff you did to me.
But then you said you were sorry, and I realized you're not a monster Not like this thing.
It's got me good.
This is a mislead, right? You're inventing a thing to save me.
That would be called a knife, Jerry.
It's been invented.
I'm making a way out of here One seat ought to do it.
I'm sorry.
I-I made a mistake.
I won't do it again! Nobody ever does.
You self-righteous piece of You took my family! I took your family? Who do you think had more taken from them when you shot 20 ccs of liquid dream-killer into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry.
She had options! Oof.
That all ended because she felt sorry for you.
You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive because I know everything.
That snakes survives because children wander off, and you survive because people think, "Oh, this poor piece of.
He never gets a break.
" I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul.
"I guess I'll hire him or marry him.
" - Rick! - Rick! I knew you wouldn't let me die.
That was never an option.
Because you never had a son.
No, because I need a living organism coated in gibble snake bile to attract a shmooglite runner.
Wait, what's happening? Use that confusion, Jerry.
It'll make you wriggle more like an abandoned newborn.
Jesus Christ! What the Rick?! Help! Help me! Aaah! There's a space port 20 miles south.
We'll be able to board a galaxy class cruise ship and jump through a wormhole that will put us within spitting distance of the Milky Way.
But, hey, it's about the journey, not the destination, right, Jerry? Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold.
Morphizer customer service.
How may I help you? Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am.
Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine? Let me check.
Yes, got it.
Mom? Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it? I do.
Give that button a push.
Okay.
Mom, listen to me! We're free!! Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out.
What do I do next? Hello? I think we got disconnected.
Morty! Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of but no! Like father, like damn daughter! You want to be like Rick, congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! Everything okay here? Mind your own damn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna help him keep him around, Mom, but it will help you lose everyone else.
Like I lost Summer.
Hey, you haven't lost her yet.
No, I definitely did.
She's gone.
God damn it! Go ahead.
Oh, come on.
What's happening? Your friend is class C or above cybernetic augmentations.
Emphasis on the above.
In any case, he needs to be neutralized.
What?! Wait! Ugh! Brain hurty.
What did you do? It's a synaptic dampener that blocks violent tendencies and controversial thought.
He will now be an ideal passenger.
I want cookies and a 90-minute cut of "Avatar.
" Seriously? Quit it.
It'll wear off in six hours.
It's cheaper than banning dangerous people from flights.
I mean, let everybody buy a ticket, right? Otherwise, the terrorists win.
Aah! I'm sorry I'm not a classic maternal archetype.
Okay, I don't know what to do when you people come to me with your weird puberty issues.
What are you gonna do when your daughter asks you if she's attractive? I'll say "yes"! Morty, gross! Well, she's gonna be super hot.
Her mother's gonna be Jessica Wait, when did Summer ask you that?! Right before she Clive Barkered herself.
Why? Wait, I know where she is! Ethan and Summer were supposed to go camping, and then he dumped Summer for this girl, Tricia Lange, who's got huge boobies and took her.
Campsite The one with the name that sounds like somebody gave up halfway through naming it.
Uh Camp Flabanabba! Mama's coming, baby.
Mama's coming, and she cares about your titties! They have sweet smiggle honey cookies.
Mmm! And low-calorie petroleum flakes.
Obviously cookies.
Let's get you the flakes then.
Okay, but it's not what I wanted.
Well, maybe next time, you won't be such a dumb piece of and you can pick for yourself.
That's not nice.
What's that? Did you just have a controversial thought? No.
That's what I thought, bitch.
You little punk-ass.
This is the best.
I agree.
You've made things even easier than if you hadn't been incompetent.
Uh-oh.
We get shoot-shoot now.
we're about to enter the wormhole.
So, I hope everybody bought a dinner first.
Nice.
Nice.
Jerry, step over there and lock yourself in the escape pod.
You're not killing us? I'm killing Rick.
You're free to go.
You're no threat to me or anyone.
Now you're just being mean.
Yeah, you're mean No offense.
Mean would be shooting you, Jerry.
This is saving a bullet.
Go back to your quietly ashamed family and live out the rest of your days in denial of your vagina fantasies.
It was a one-time thought that everyone has! What are you doing? I'm being triumphantly brave! It's not triumphant or brave.
You're not risking anything.
You might shoot me.
I think you know I won't.
Because you know I feel sorry for you.
You're just doing this so you can tell yourself you fought Ow! Woman: Temporal shield compromised.
Congratulations, Jerry.
You get to die a man.
Uh, that's okay! I'll leave! Please don't shoot.
I-I'm the vagina guy, remember? Whoa! What is happening to me? Where is this? Where am I? Am I dead? A-Am I Am I still alive? Rick: Those aren't the questions you should be asking.
Huh?! Shh! Ah, got ya! Come here, you little pumpkin.
I have shit on my ass.
Whoa, oof this! Who am I? Who am I? I'm time! I'm literally time! All: Whooooa! Aah! Oh, God.
I feel like our souls were united, and we were all one with eternity.
Our body's unchanged, yet our minds have lived a thousand lifetimes.
Is that enough time for me to forgive you? I don't know, but it's enough time for a synaptic dampener to wear off.
He hadn't decided he was still going to kill us! He was talking himself into it.
I've seen it before.
Cosmic apotheosis wears off faster than salvia.
I'm starting to believe you because I just finished merging with your essence for an endless epoch, and I'm already back to thinking you're an asshole.
Fine with me.
Let's just go our separate ways.
Sounds like you and the word "epoch" have a lot of catching up to do.
Wait, don't leave me! and walk around the cabin and maybe take the wormhole out for breakfast.
but not both.
You think you got that thing figured out? Yeah, I know what I'm doing.
Good.
Because I have an idea.
It's actually a contraction of "some" and "more," you see that? Oh, wow.
I was way off.
Morty, what's happening here? Summer got into my grandpa's garage, messed around, and turned herself into a monster.
My mom did the same to make her feel better.
She's a good mom.
Oh, my God.
I have to go call my mother! Tricia, wait! Ethan! Ethan! Hey, it's okay.
Sit down.
You made my sister cry, Ethan.
You messed with her body image.
Look, Morty, I Shh, shh, shh.
Careful, Ethan.
Your s'more is burning.
Uh, I guess we better get on the same page about our fake adventure.
Right.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll leave out the part where you tried to murder me And I'll leave out the part where you admitted to sabotaging our marriage.
You want to? Nah, if the family sees me like this, they'll feel sorry for me.
Which is no longer my signature move.
Later days, amigo.
Actually, I just realized, I don't have my wallet, and my bus pass is in there, so maybe Stay strong, Jerry.
I believe in you! I tell you, fellas.
This is the life.
It certainly is.
To freedom! Ooh! Looks like a 4-22.
Ooh, a couple cranks on scaling knob with a four dilabyte cross fade would fix that in a jiff.
Four? You'd be lucky to clear 13% de-morphized with that kind of range.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, what did we agree on? Together: No work talk! Let's just relax and enjoy our retirement, shall Oh, my God! Aaah!