Rosehaven (2016) s03e05 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 5
1 Help.
[COUGHS.]
Do you want me to help you get back into bed? I live on the floor now.
- OK.
- [GROANS.]
- Come on.
- Where am I? - [STRAINS.]
Here we go.
- Hi, Grace.
Why am I on the floor now? Am I at your house? Where's Barbara? At work.
We just dropped in to see if you're OK.
DANIEL: Are you drinking enough water? - Come in here, you coward! - You might as well.
Anything you could be exposed to, you already have been.
- Even from out there.
- I still can't do it.
I'm sorry.
Who did this to me, Grace? Probably a rhinovirus.
I'm sick because I have a big nose?! When will this thing stop cursing me? No, a rhinovirus is what usually causes 50% of colds.
It can survive on surfaces for up to 48 hours.
Daniel, can you come and pat me on the forehead, please? I don't feel well.
What if I find a long stick and put an oven mitt on the end? Just go.
With your health.
You don't care.
I do care, just from a distance.
I'll check in on you later.
Wait, wait, wait.
Before you go, can you do one thing for me? Sure.
Can you watch a whole season of Game Of Thrones with me? Feel better! Yeah, we know Even if we had so far to go Even if the pace is slow Well, I'll be coming home to you again If we find Something to feel that we belong If we could right all the wrongs Well, I'll be coming home to you again.
Hey, uh, you don't think I'll get it, do you? I was standing pretty far back and taking very small breaths.
That doesn't make any difference.
- Maybe I'm immune.
- Maybe.
Keep an eye out for joint pain or mucus.
Eugh, God! Being stressed can lower your immune response, so try not to think about it.
OK.
I'm still thinking about it.
I can tell you about my study.
Oh, yeah.
How's it going? I should hit my sample size if everyone who's booked in today turns up, and then I can start collating the results.
Soon I'll know if living in Rosehaven long-term has affected its population in any way, medically speaking.
Hey, uh, you don't think you'll find anything bad, do you? I don't know.
I just hope I find something.
I love it here, but a significant finding would give me a real reason to stay.
I mean, the follow-up study alone would Not that you're not an amazing and fulfilling reason to stay It's OK.
I know I'm amazing.
And I think your study will prove that.
How much printing are you doing? Toner's not cheap.
- Got to spend money to make money.
- What? Nothing.
Almost done.
How are you feeling about the open home today? Uh, yeah, feeling good.
The owner isn't asking too much, so it should be an easy sale.
That means there'll be a big turnout and you won't have Emma to help.
[PRINTER BEEPS.]
I can handle it.
I can move some meetings around.
No, no, Mum, I've got this.
I'm fine.
- What is that? - This is my bio.
Your what? I just thought I could put these out alongside information about the property.
It's just a little bit about me.
Thought it might help people trust me, see me as more than just a salesperson.
You think people will be more inclined to buy from you because they know your favourite film's Ghostbusters? Well, I mean, if you're gonna sell your house, who ya gonna ring? Obviously it's not Doesn't matter.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hi.
Welcome to your new home, potentially.
Hello.
Uh, can I grab your name, please? What for? Oh, uh, just so I can get in touch if there's any new information about the property, any offers, etc.
It's it's standard procedure.
It's Spanner.
OK.
Um, can I also grab your phone number and email address, please? So, would this be a home for yourself, or are you looking to invest? Dunno.
Can I have a look around? Yeah, sure, and I'm here if you have any questions.
And if you're interested, here is a little bit of information about me.
- Uh, hi.
Are you all together? - Uh, yeah.
- Great.
Uh, name, please, sir.
- Uh, Tony.
Right.
And just your phone number and email address, please.
I-it's standard procedure.
I've been to an open house before.
Of course.
Uh, sorry.
Hi.
Can I just grab your details before you look around? - Uh, name, please.
- Daphne.
Oh, Scooby Doo.
Sorry.
Just your phone number and email, please.
- Sure.
- Hi, guys.
- Sorry, can I grab your details - Just browsing.
Everyone, just make sure you give me your contact information, otherwise I can't update you about the property.
And feel free to take a bio/agent profile about me, if you want.
What type of wood are the floorboards? Uh, sorry, did you come in the back way, or ? - It was open.
- Right.
Um, I'm not sure, but I can have a look.
- It says here you like cycling.
- Uh, yes.
What sort of bike have you got? - Still looking at the moment.
- [PHONE RINGS LOUDLY.]
Shit! Uh Sorry about this, everyone.
And for swearing.
VOICEMAIL: Hi.
You've called Daniel McCallum of [HANGS UP.]
[SIGHS.]
TV: Don't settle for second best.
Call us now.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS ON TV.]
MAN: Do you have a will? It's never too early to start planning.
The people you love will be hurt enough by your passing.
Don't add to their pain by not having your affairs in order.
Call 1800 TASWILL today for a full explanation pack.
[TYPES.]
- Knock knock.
- Hi, Harleen.
How'd it go? Did everyone love my house? Anyone offer cash? Uh, no cash, sorry, but a lot of interest.
We should have some solid offers soon.
Oh, good.
Well, just call me as soon as someone has any kind of in Where's my fish? Sorry? My fish is gone.
- Uh, from the fridge, or ? - The fish bowl.
It had a fish in it.
Now it doesn't.
A solid blue discus.
Uh, a blue Discus! Right, well, it's got to be around here somewhere.
Somewhere other than the fish bowl? Yeah, sorry, didn't really think that through.
You were supposed to be looking after my stuff.
Uh, yeah, it's just there were a lot of people here today.
- Which is great - Did you have a nap or something?! I will get it back.
I have everyone's contact details.
Uh, maybe someone's taken it by accident That was dumb.
Um leave it with me.
Do you know anything about these tests? I've heard there's something in the water.
Tasmania's got the cleanest, most delicious, most protected water in the world.
Yeah, that's exactly what they want you to think.
Who? That's the mystery.
Right, uh, next up we have Frank.
Lovely to see you.
Is that a new tie? Yes.
Mum knitted it.
- Oh, how is June? - Well That's good.
I was going to say, "Well, she's not that great.
" Oh, I'm sorry.
Um Well, head on through when you're ready.
Barbara.
I didn't think you'd come.
- I said I would, didn't I? - Yes.
Right.
Anyway, uh, take a s Um, the study means a lot to me.
I'm really happy you came.
There's something in the water.
No, the water's fine, Phil.
I don't like the taste of it, though.
That doesn't mean there's something in it.
They should put something in it so that it tastes better.
What do you think, Babs? I think you're an idiot.
Well, we've all got our opinions.
Hi.
Daniel McCallum here.
Uh, we met at the open home.
Yeah, I'm just calling about some missing property.
Uh, we had a fish stolen.
A blue discus.
Oh, no, no, it's generally a very safe area.
Well, I don't think a stolen fish should stop you putting in an offer.
I mean, do you even have any fish? Hello? [SHOP BELL CHIMES.]
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be home resting.
You said you would check in on me, but you didn't, so I thought I'd check on you, because I thought you must be really, really sick if you'd say you would check on me and then you didn't.
- But you seem fine.
- I'm sorry, mate.
My phone was connected to the speaker when you rang and there were just so many people there today.
You should be nicer to me.
I'm not used to this.
I don't get sick, because I eat all that dirt.
- You eat dirt? - You know what I mean.
My immunity's really good 'cause I eat all that stuff off the floor.
Have you ever thought eating stuff off the floor is making you sick? I need you to sign a thing.
I'm gonna need more information.
It's just a thing that says that you'll take care of me if I get sick or whatever.
I'm sorry? You know how you'd take care of your mum? You have to take care of me if something happens to me.
Or just when I'm old.
You sign here.
- But I'll be old too.
- Yeah, but you've got Grace.
I don't have a husband or kids or anything.
I mean, you're my next of kin, really, and I thought we should make that official in case you try and weasel out of it.
- You have six siblings.
- They're not invested in me.
I've given you the best years of my life.
OK, well, what if I die first? In the event that you have died, then your kids will take care of me.
You want my kids to look after a lady they have no relation to? I'm their godmother.
OK, well, you probably would be, but, Em, this isn't really how friendship works.
I'm just saying there should be some kind of friendship marriage.
I mean, not marriage, obviously, but legally binding document that means you and/or your kids have to look after me until I'm dead.
[COUGHS.]
I'm sorry, I don't have time for this today.
- I'm trying to catch a fish thief.
- What? A fish got stolen from the open home today.
Well, now I'm definitely staying.
Do you know who did it? - Was it a cat? - No.
There was this guy there called Spanner.
I think maybe he took it.
Let's go get him.
Or we can stay here and you can sign my contract.
What if he's home? - Didn't you ask him? - No, I just asked for his address.
Well, there's no car in the driveway.
Give me the brochures.
Oh, no! We'd better go collect them.
- Em! - Just a casual look in the windows.
You don't look very casual.
- Are you gonna help? - You've got it.
SPANNER: Hello? Hey, Spanner.
- How are you? - What are you doing? Oh, I just, um came to drop off some brochures.
Um, just looking for the mailbox.
It's at the front of the house.
Makes sense.
Um, well, cut out the middleman.
- Hey.
- Who are you? Emma.
I'm a real estate agent.
- Give the fish back.
- What? The fish.
I saw it in the kitchen.
You're the fish thief.
There! Thought you got away with it.
What? Well, I don't know, maybe if you'd checked on me when you said you would, you would have given me an accurate description of the blue fish that was missing.
Who even has fish anymore? They're like waterbeds.
You just accused him and charged into his house.
- What happened to a casual look? - That was phase one.
Well, I didn't know there were other phases.
Doesn't matter.
We still don't know who took it.
Can a fish really belong to anyone? Can't we just think of it as moved? Well, it belongs to whoever paid for it.
- But there's nothing official.
- There's a receipt.
So you like official things when it suits you? I just don't want to sign a contract that makes you think that my kids and I will be your carer forever.
I'd have signed one for you.
- You just wouldn't have asked.
- No, of course not.
Yeah, because you don't need me to sign anything.
You know that I'm always gonna be around, helping you with your stuff.
- Fine, I'll sign your stupid contract.
- Thank you.
But it doesn't mean anything, Em.
It's not legally binding.
You just can't guarantee someone's gonna be there for you forever.
That's just life.
What are you doing here, Emma? You're meant to be at home resting.
There's no-one there.
Sounds like heaven.
Go home.
Mrs.
Marsh, do you know any old-timey cold remedies? Put a clove of garlic in your vagina.
- Emma.
Hey.
- Hi.
Sorry it's so late.
Oh, no.
Um, I just got up.
Oh, from a nap.
Um I was also up earlier today.
Well, it's nice to hear from you.
Come in.
New place is cool.
Your moving bill must have been expensive.
It would have been, but I did it myself.
I own a lot of things, but luckily, I also own a lot of boxes.
Handy.
So, you're good? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
It's nice to see you.
You too.
Um I was just thinking.
You know, we used to have fun.
You mean when we were going out? Yeah.
- We did.
- Yeah.
And, um I miss you.
- Really? - Well, I mean, yeah.
Anyway, I was just thinking on that, I mean, we're both not seeing anyone I am.
- Hmm? - See seeing someone.
Oh.
Right.
Romantically.
Got it.
Yeah, we got back together, actually.
Yeah, she's an ex.
Well she's an ex-ex now, I suppose.
Oh.
Cool.
Yeah.
She's nice.
She's quite good at tennis.
Not great, but good.
Mmm.
Yeah, are you seeing anyone? Me? No, just me.
How I like it.
And my job, and my great friends.
Anyway, good to see you.
[SHOP BELL CHIMES.]
- Hey.
Welcome back.
You look better.
- Feel better.
So, are you gonna come to Grace's presentation? - Uh - You should.
You sleep OK? Yeah.
After I went to Damien's.
OK.
Um How is he? Good.
He's seeing someone.
I'm sorry, mate.
Don't be sorry.
Why shouldn't he be seeing someone else now? Especially someone who's fine at tennis.
I'm totally fine.
You don't have to be.
Learning about your ex's new partner never feels great.
I loved it.
Might call him, get him to tell me again.
Oh, it was awful! And he let me start talking about us being together again! - That's his fault, isn't it? - Yes.
He should have yelled "I'm seeing someone" the moment he saw me, right? Oh, yeah.
Before he said hi.
What am I gonna do? Well, nothing.
You're fine on your own.
- I am on my own, aren't I? - [DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, I mean, no, we're all there for you Hi.
Uh, you got a minute? Uh, yeah.
You're from the open home, right? Floorboards.
Yeah.
I want to talk to you about a fish.
- A blue discus? - Yeah.
I'm the moderator of an online fish forum.
Spanner's a member and he told us that you accused him of taking it.
- On the fish forum? - Yeah.
We're all a bit upset.
Spanner's a good guy and a good fish man.
- Fisherman? - No, fish man.
Anyway, I'm here to tell you I took it.
- You did? - Yeah.
- Caught you! - I just handed myself in.
Well, I made you confess.
No, I just told you.
You didn't even ask.
Well, that was your first mistake.
Do you still have it? Is it OK? Yeah.
Now that it's with me, it is.
The tank was filthy.
They weren't taking care of it.
And I have seen this before, people who treat fish like art rather than living creatures.
She didn't even have a filter.
It would have died if I hadn't grabbed it.
It's a blue discus, not a black skirt tetra! Right.
Um I won't give the fish back.
They don't deserve it.
It's like they just don't care enough.
Yeah.
They expect the fish to take care of itself? Alone? When it's dying? That's right.
Maybe you should join our forum.
Uh, n-no, thank you.
I I gotta go.
Are you gonna turn me in? Look, I Your profile said you were a guy with integrity and your favourite food is lasagne.
I assume both are true? I do love lasagne.
But I could lose the listing.
Well, it's your decision.
Here's my card and a few polaroids of the discus.
It's much happier now.
[SHOP BELL CHIMES.]
- - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Thank you all for coming.
- MAN: Shh.
Shh.
- WOMAN: Love it.
Uh, and for your participation in my study of long-term Rosehaven residents to see if Just out with it.
Is the water poisoned? Why would you think that? It's just what I've heard around town.
Yeah, a lot of people have been saying that.
The water's fine.
Uh, the study focused on collecting and collating your medical history and current health status to see if there were any anomalies shared by Rosehaven residents.
The results, uh, indicated there there was nothing unique.
WOMAN: Oh.
I'm sorry to waste everyone's time.
I can go into detail, but, really, Rosehaven fits neatly into the nationwide average.
Is that good news? - Well, it's - PHIL: What what's mine say? - Your ? - My health status.
How did I rate? Do I have the best bones? Well, you'll all receive your individual results privately Just shout it out.
I don't mind.
I'm not shy.
Don't even think about reading mine out! Who has the most magnesium? As I said, you'll receive them all individually.
But I'm worried.
Your magnesium level is perfect, Anne.
You take really good care of yourself and it helps that you love avocados.
So I have the most? Well, you're within the normal range.
Who has the most? OTHERS: Yeah! Uh, guys, it's not an awards ceremony.
- Why not? - I'd like an award.
[OTHERS AGREE.]
Are you frightened you'll get Lowest Vitamin D, Daniel? I take supplements, thanks, Phil.
I've probably got more than you.
Oh, well, you're wrong! So, are we all OK? Did we pass the test? Uh, not a test.
Uh As I said, it was to see if there was any shared health anomaly that occurred from living here for an extended period of time.
I'd still like an award.
[OTHERS AGREE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
And the Highest Potassium goes to Frank! [ALL EXCLAIM, CHEER.]
I would just like to thank my mother.
And bananas.
And Is there a trophy, or ? The thing about bananas is, first of all, it's a beautiful yellow.
I mean, they're all yellow - Harleen.
Hi.
- Hi.
Mrs.
Marsh said you'd be here.
Yeah.
So, you got my message? Yes.
All of them.
The one saying you had something to tell me, and then the next one five minutes later saying, "Never mind, it was nothing"? What's up? Did you find my fish? Yes, I did.
Where is it? Let's go get it.
Well, I don't want to lose your listing, but I-I don't think you should get it back.
Excuse me? Well, the person only took it because it wasn't being taken care of.
Well, what are you suggesting? I took care of it.
It had water.
Yes, well, the guy who took it knows heaps about fish and he said it was getting sick and if it stayed where it was, it would die.
Well, I didn't know it was sick.
He even gave me some photos of it in its new home.
That's a beautiful tank.
It is.
Yeah, yeah.
Well I don't want it to be hurt.
And once I've sold the house, I really didn't want to be travelling with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, so, I'm still your agent? I guess so.
At least I know you're not a yes-man.
No, a fish man.
And I'm gonna need 70 bucks for the fish.
[APPLAUSE.]
GRACE: We have one last award.
It is for the Tallest Person Born in the Second Half of 1958.
And the award goes to Phil! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
PHIL: Many decades ago, in a paddock not a million miles from here a little boy stood staring at the sky and dared to dream.
Hey.
You're here.
Where did you go this afternoon? Nothing.
What? Um, I got you something.
What is it? "I, Daniel McCallum, promise to be "the best friend I can be to Emma Dawes "for as long as I can.
" There's a lot of loopholes in that.
Thanks.
Laminated and everything.
That's a really nice gesture.
But I'm OK now.
- Really? That's good.
- He'll be here soon.
- Who? - Shh.
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you all for coming.
Well done, and I'll see you next year.
I'm gonna start smashing bananas! I'm coming for you, Frank! - That was awesome! - Very.
It was, wasn't it? - Are you feeling better? - Yeah.
Oh, I forgot how amazing the relationships I've built with these people are.
I want to take over the practice again.
Oh, that's that's great! Can I still get my mole checks at home? - Yes, you can.
- Thank you.
Hey, Em, I was thinking we could put together a plan so you don't have to worry so much about getting older.
You know, we can keep you healthy through nutrition and callisthenics and No, I'm good.
Thanks.
- Is that Farmer Dan? - Yeah.
He's my date.
But you said no when he asked you out.
You didn't like him.
I changed my mind.
Phil was right, by the way.
You do have the lowest vitamin D.
Oh.
Did I have the highest anything? Well, actually, your vitamin C levels were very impressive.
Oh, really? - Hey, Phil! - PHIL: Yeah? But too much can cause diarrhoea.
Nothing! Do you happen to know if Barbara's got any plans for tonight? Uh, does she have plans for Valentine's Day? Oh, God! I'm the one that'll have to put up with the bedroom noises.
Oh, stop! Stop! But you can't stand in the way of true love forever.
I can try.
- He's a man who deserves love.
- No! Oh, they're leaving together.
Oh, God! [MOANS.]
I'm dying! You're not dying.
Want me to get some garlic for your vagina? - No.
- What if you were pregnant? Wouldn't you, like, marinate your baby? You did this to me.
Probably should have eaten more dirt.
- Want to watch Game Of Thrones? - No.
Here we go!
[COUGHS.]
Do you want me to help you get back into bed? I live on the floor now.
- OK.
- [GROANS.]
- Come on.
- Where am I? - [STRAINS.]
Here we go.
- Hi, Grace.
Why am I on the floor now? Am I at your house? Where's Barbara? At work.
We just dropped in to see if you're OK.
DANIEL: Are you drinking enough water? - Come in here, you coward! - You might as well.
Anything you could be exposed to, you already have been.
- Even from out there.
- I still can't do it.
I'm sorry.
Who did this to me, Grace? Probably a rhinovirus.
I'm sick because I have a big nose?! When will this thing stop cursing me? No, a rhinovirus is what usually causes 50% of colds.
It can survive on surfaces for up to 48 hours.
Daniel, can you come and pat me on the forehead, please? I don't feel well.
What if I find a long stick and put an oven mitt on the end? Just go.
With your health.
You don't care.
I do care, just from a distance.
I'll check in on you later.
Wait, wait, wait.
Before you go, can you do one thing for me? Sure.
Can you watch a whole season of Game Of Thrones with me? Feel better! Yeah, we know Even if we had so far to go Even if the pace is slow Well, I'll be coming home to you again If we find Something to feel that we belong If we could right all the wrongs Well, I'll be coming home to you again.
Hey, uh, you don't think I'll get it, do you? I was standing pretty far back and taking very small breaths.
That doesn't make any difference.
- Maybe I'm immune.
- Maybe.
Keep an eye out for joint pain or mucus.
Eugh, God! Being stressed can lower your immune response, so try not to think about it.
OK.
I'm still thinking about it.
I can tell you about my study.
Oh, yeah.
How's it going? I should hit my sample size if everyone who's booked in today turns up, and then I can start collating the results.
Soon I'll know if living in Rosehaven long-term has affected its population in any way, medically speaking.
Hey, uh, you don't think you'll find anything bad, do you? I don't know.
I just hope I find something.
I love it here, but a significant finding would give me a real reason to stay.
I mean, the follow-up study alone would Not that you're not an amazing and fulfilling reason to stay It's OK.
I know I'm amazing.
And I think your study will prove that.
How much printing are you doing? Toner's not cheap.
- Got to spend money to make money.
- What? Nothing.
Almost done.
How are you feeling about the open home today? Uh, yeah, feeling good.
The owner isn't asking too much, so it should be an easy sale.
That means there'll be a big turnout and you won't have Emma to help.
[PRINTER BEEPS.]
I can handle it.
I can move some meetings around.
No, no, Mum, I've got this.
I'm fine.
- What is that? - This is my bio.
Your what? I just thought I could put these out alongside information about the property.
It's just a little bit about me.
Thought it might help people trust me, see me as more than just a salesperson.
You think people will be more inclined to buy from you because they know your favourite film's Ghostbusters? Well, I mean, if you're gonna sell your house, who ya gonna ring? Obviously it's not Doesn't matter.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hi.
Welcome to your new home, potentially.
Hello.
Uh, can I grab your name, please? What for? Oh, uh, just so I can get in touch if there's any new information about the property, any offers, etc.
It's it's standard procedure.
It's Spanner.
OK.
Um, can I also grab your phone number and email address, please? So, would this be a home for yourself, or are you looking to invest? Dunno.
Can I have a look around? Yeah, sure, and I'm here if you have any questions.
And if you're interested, here is a little bit of information about me.
- Uh, hi.
Are you all together? - Uh, yeah.
- Great.
Uh, name, please, sir.
- Uh, Tony.
Right.
And just your phone number and email address, please.
I-it's standard procedure.
I've been to an open house before.
Of course.
Uh, sorry.
Hi.
Can I just grab your details before you look around? - Uh, name, please.
- Daphne.
Oh, Scooby Doo.
Sorry.
Just your phone number and email, please.
- Sure.
- Hi, guys.
- Sorry, can I grab your details - Just browsing.
Everyone, just make sure you give me your contact information, otherwise I can't update you about the property.
And feel free to take a bio/agent profile about me, if you want.
What type of wood are the floorboards? Uh, sorry, did you come in the back way, or ? - It was open.
- Right.
Um, I'm not sure, but I can have a look.
- It says here you like cycling.
- Uh, yes.
What sort of bike have you got? - Still looking at the moment.
- [PHONE RINGS LOUDLY.]
Shit! Uh Sorry about this, everyone.
And for swearing.
VOICEMAIL: Hi.
You've called Daniel McCallum of [HANGS UP.]
[SIGHS.]
TV: Don't settle for second best.
Call us now.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS ON TV.]
MAN: Do you have a will? It's never too early to start planning.
The people you love will be hurt enough by your passing.
Don't add to their pain by not having your affairs in order.
Call 1800 TASWILL today for a full explanation pack.
[TYPES.]
- Knock knock.
- Hi, Harleen.
How'd it go? Did everyone love my house? Anyone offer cash? Uh, no cash, sorry, but a lot of interest.
We should have some solid offers soon.
Oh, good.
Well, just call me as soon as someone has any kind of in Where's my fish? Sorry? My fish is gone.
- Uh, from the fridge, or ? - The fish bowl.
It had a fish in it.
Now it doesn't.
A solid blue discus.
Uh, a blue Discus! Right, well, it's got to be around here somewhere.
Somewhere other than the fish bowl? Yeah, sorry, didn't really think that through.
You were supposed to be looking after my stuff.
Uh, yeah, it's just there were a lot of people here today.
- Which is great - Did you have a nap or something?! I will get it back.
I have everyone's contact details.
Uh, maybe someone's taken it by accident That was dumb.
Um leave it with me.
Do you know anything about these tests? I've heard there's something in the water.
Tasmania's got the cleanest, most delicious, most protected water in the world.
Yeah, that's exactly what they want you to think.
Who? That's the mystery.
Right, uh, next up we have Frank.
Lovely to see you.
Is that a new tie? Yes.
Mum knitted it.
- Oh, how is June? - Well That's good.
I was going to say, "Well, she's not that great.
" Oh, I'm sorry.
Um Well, head on through when you're ready.
Barbara.
I didn't think you'd come.
- I said I would, didn't I? - Yes.
Right.
Anyway, uh, take a s Um, the study means a lot to me.
I'm really happy you came.
There's something in the water.
No, the water's fine, Phil.
I don't like the taste of it, though.
That doesn't mean there's something in it.
They should put something in it so that it tastes better.
What do you think, Babs? I think you're an idiot.
Well, we've all got our opinions.
Hi.
Daniel McCallum here.
Uh, we met at the open home.
Yeah, I'm just calling about some missing property.
Uh, we had a fish stolen.
A blue discus.
Oh, no, no, it's generally a very safe area.
Well, I don't think a stolen fish should stop you putting in an offer.
I mean, do you even have any fish? Hello? [SHOP BELL CHIMES.]
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be home resting.
You said you would check in on me, but you didn't, so I thought I'd check on you, because I thought you must be really, really sick if you'd say you would check on me and then you didn't.
- But you seem fine.
- I'm sorry, mate.
My phone was connected to the speaker when you rang and there were just so many people there today.
You should be nicer to me.
I'm not used to this.
I don't get sick, because I eat all that dirt.
- You eat dirt? - You know what I mean.
My immunity's really good 'cause I eat all that stuff off the floor.
Have you ever thought eating stuff off the floor is making you sick? I need you to sign a thing.
I'm gonna need more information.
It's just a thing that says that you'll take care of me if I get sick or whatever.
I'm sorry? You know how you'd take care of your mum? You have to take care of me if something happens to me.
Or just when I'm old.
You sign here.
- But I'll be old too.
- Yeah, but you've got Grace.
I don't have a husband or kids or anything.
I mean, you're my next of kin, really, and I thought we should make that official in case you try and weasel out of it.
- You have six siblings.
- They're not invested in me.
I've given you the best years of my life.
OK, well, what if I die first? In the event that you have died, then your kids will take care of me.
You want my kids to look after a lady they have no relation to? I'm their godmother.
OK, well, you probably would be, but, Em, this isn't really how friendship works.
I'm just saying there should be some kind of friendship marriage.
I mean, not marriage, obviously, but legally binding document that means you and/or your kids have to look after me until I'm dead.
[COUGHS.]
I'm sorry, I don't have time for this today.
- I'm trying to catch a fish thief.
- What? A fish got stolen from the open home today.
Well, now I'm definitely staying.
Do you know who did it? - Was it a cat? - No.
There was this guy there called Spanner.
I think maybe he took it.
Let's go get him.
Or we can stay here and you can sign my contract.
What if he's home? - Didn't you ask him? - No, I just asked for his address.
Well, there's no car in the driveway.
Give me the brochures.
Oh, no! We'd better go collect them.
- Em! - Just a casual look in the windows.
You don't look very casual.
- Are you gonna help? - You've got it.
SPANNER: Hello? Hey, Spanner.
- How are you? - What are you doing? Oh, I just, um came to drop off some brochures.
Um, just looking for the mailbox.
It's at the front of the house.
Makes sense.
Um, well, cut out the middleman.
- Hey.
- Who are you? Emma.
I'm a real estate agent.
- Give the fish back.
- What? The fish.
I saw it in the kitchen.
You're the fish thief.
There! Thought you got away with it.
What? Well, I don't know, maybe if you'd checked on me when you said you would, you would have given me an accurate description of the blue fish that was missing.
Who even has fish anymore? They're like waterbeds.
You just accused him and charged into his house.
- What happened to a casual look? - That was phase one.
Well, I didn't know there were other phases.
Doesn't matter.
We still don't know who took it.
Can a fish really belong to anyone? Can't we just think of it as moved? Well, it belongs to whoever paid for it.
- But there's nothing official.
- There's a receipt.
So you like official things when it suits you? I just don't want to sign a contract that makes you think that my kids and I will be your carer forever.
I'd have signed one for you.
- You just wouldn't have asked.
- No, of course not.
Yeah, because you don't need me to sign anything.
You know that I'm always gonna be around, helping you with your stuff.
- Fine, I'll sign your stupid contract.
- Thank you.
But it doesn't mean anything, Em.
It's not legally binding.
You just can't guarantee someone's gonna be there for you forever.
That's just life.
What are you doing here, Emma? You're meant to be at home resting.
There's no-one there.
Sounds like heaven.
Go home.
Mrs.
Marsh, do you know any old-timey cold remedies? Put a clove of garlic in your vagina.
- Emma.
Hey.
- Hi.
Sorry it's so late.
Oh, no.
Um, I just got up.
Oh, from a nap.
Um I was also up earlier today.
Well, it's nice to hear from you.
Come in.
New place is cool.
Your moving bill must have been expensive.
It would have been, but I did it myself.
I own a lot of things, but luckily, I also own a lot of boxes.
Handy.
So, you're good? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
It's nice to see you.
You too.
Um I was just thinking.
You know, we used to have fun.
You mean when we were going out? Yeah.
- We did.
- Yeah.
And, um I miss you.
- Really? - Well, I mean, yeah.
Anyway, I was just thinking on that, I mean, we're both not seeing anyone I am.
- Hmm? - See seeing someone.
Oh.
Right.
Romantically.
Got it.
Yeah, we got back together, actually.
Yeah, she's an ex.
Well she's an ex-ex now, I suppose.
Oh.
Cool.
Yeah.
She's nice.
She's quite good at tennis.
Not great, but good.
Mmm.
Yeah, are you seeing anyone? Me? No, just me.
How I like it.
And my job, and my great friends.
Anyway, good to see you.
[SHOP BELL CHIMES.]
- Hey.
Welcome back.
You look better.
- Feel better.
So, are you gonna come to Grace's presentation? - Uh - You should.
You sleep OK? Yeah.
After I went to Damien's.
OK.
Um How is he? Good.
He's seeing someone.
I'm sorry, mate.
Don't be sorry.
Why shouldn't he be seeing someone else now? Especially someone who's fine at tennis.
I'm totally fine.
You don't have to be.
Learning about your ex's new partner never feels great.
I loved it.
Might call him, get him to tell me again.
Oh, it was awful! And he let me start talking about us being together again! - That's his fault, isn't it? - Yes.
He should have yelled "I'm seeing someone" the moment he saw me, right? Oh, yeah.
Before he said hi.
What am I gonna do? Well, nothing.
You're fine on your own.
- I am on my own, aren't I? - [DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, I mean, no, we're all there for you Hi.
Uh, you got a minute? Uh, yeah.
You're from the open home, right? Floorboards.
Yeah.
I want to talk to you about a fish.
- A blue discus? - Yeah.
I'm the moderator of an online fish forum.
Spanner's a member and he told us that you accused him of taking it.
- On the fish forum? - Yeah.
We're all a bit upset.
Spanner's a good guy and a good fish man.
- Fisherman? - No, fish man.
Anyway, I'm here to tell you I took it.
- You did? - Yeah.
- Caught you! - I just handed myself in.
Well, I made you confess.
No, I just told you.
You didn't even ask.
Well, that was your first mistake.
Do you still have it? Is it OK? Yeah.
Now that it's with me, it is.
The tank was filthy.
They weren't taking care of it.
And I have seen this before, people who treat fish like art rather than living creatures.
She didn't even have a filter.
It would have died if I hadn't grabbed it.
It's a blue discus, not a black skirt tetra! Right.
Um I won't give the fish back.
They don't deserve it.
It's like they just don't care enough.
Yeah.
They expect the fish to take care of itself? Alone? When it's dying? That's right.
Maybe you should join our forum.
Uh, n-no, thank you.
I I gotta go.
Are you gonna turn me in? Look, I Your profile said you were a guy with integrity and your favourite food is lasagne.
I assume both are true? I do love lasagne.
But I could lose the listing.
Well, it's your decision.
Here's my card and a few polaroids of the discus.
It's much happier now.
[SHOP BELL CHIMES.]
- - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Thank you all for coming.
- MAN: Shh.
Shh.
- WOMAN: Love it.
Uh, and for your participation in my study of long-term Rosehaven residents to see if Just out with it.
Is the water poisoned? Why would you think that? It's just what I've heard around town.
Yeah, a lot of people have been saying that.
The water's fine.
Uh, the study focused on collecting and collating your medical history and current health status to see if there were any anomalies shared by Rosehaven residents.
The results, uh, indicated there there was nothing unique.
WOMAN: Oh.
I'm sorry to waste everyone's time.
I can go into detail, but, really, Rosehaven fits neatly into the nationwide average.
Is that good news? - Well, it's - PHIL: What what's mine say? - Your ? - My health status.
How did I rate? Do I have the best bones? Well, you'll all receive your individual results privately Just shout it out.
I don't mind.
I'm not shy.
Don't even think about reading mine out! Who has the most magnesium? As I said, you'll receive them all individually.
But I'm worried.
Your magnesium level is perfect, Anne.
You take really good care of yourself and it helps that you love avocados.
So I have the most? Well, you're within the normal range.
Who has the most? OTHERS: Yeah! Uh, guys, it's not an awards ceremony.
- Why not? - I'd like an award.
[OTHERS AGREE.]
Are you frightened you'll get Lowest Vitamin D, Daniel? I take supplements, thanks, Phil.
I've probably got more than you.
Oh, well, you're wrong! So, are we all OK? Did we pass the test? Uh, not a test.
Uh As I said, it was to see if there was any shared health anomaly that occurred from living here for an extended period of time.
I'd still like an award.
[OTHERS AGREE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
And the Highest Potassium goes to Frank! [ALL EXCLAIM, CHEER.]
I would just like to thank my mother.
And bananas.
And Is there a trophy, or ? The thing about bananas is, first of all, it's a beautiful yellow.
I mean, they're all yellow - Harleen.
Hi.
- Hi.
Mrs.
Marsh said you'd be here.
Yeah.
So, you got my message? Yes.
All of them.
The one saying you had something to tell me, and then the next one five minutes later saying, "Never mind, it was nothing"? What's up? Did you find my fish? Yes, I did.
Where is it? Let's go get it.
Well, I don't want to lose your listing, but I-I don't think you should get it back.
Excuse me? Well, the person only took it because it wasn't being taken care of.
Well, what are you suggesting? I took care of it.
It had water.
Yes, well, the guy who took it knows heaps about fish and he said it was getting sick and if it stayed where it was, it would die.
Well, I didn't know it was sick.
He even gave me some photos of it in its new home.
That's a beautiful tank.
It is.
Yeah, yeah.
Well I don't want it to be hurt.
And once I've sold the house, I really didn't want to be travelling with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, so, I'm still your agent? I guess so.
At least I know you're not a yes-man.
No, a fish man.
And I'm gonna need 70 bucks for the fish.
[APPLAUSE.]
GRACE: We have one last award.
It is for the Tallest Person Born in the Second Half of 1958.
And the award goes to Phil! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
PHIL: Many decades ago, in a paddock not a million miles from here a little boy stood staring at the sky and dared to dream.
Hey.
You're here.
Where did you go this afternoon? Nothing.
What? Um, I got you something.
What is it? "I, Daniel McCallum, promise to be "the best friend I can be to Emma Dawes "for as long as I can.
" There's a lot of loopholes in that.
Thanks.
Laminated and everything.
That's a really nice gesture.
But I'm OK now.
- Really? That's good.
- He'll be here soon.
- Who? - Shh.
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you all for coming.
Well done, and I'll see you next year.
I'm gonna start smashing bananas! I'm coming for you, Frank! - That was awesome! - Very.
It was, wasn't it? - Are you feeling better? - Yeah.
Oh, I forgot how amazing the relationships I've built with these people are.
I want to take over the practice again.
Oh, that's that's great! Can I still get my mole checks at home? - Yes, you can.
- Thank you.
Hey, Em, I was thinking we could put together a plan so you don't have to worry so much about getting older.
You know, we can keep you healthy through nutrition and callisthenics and No, I'm good.
Thanks.
- Is that Farmer Dan? - Yeah.
He's my date.
But you said no when he asked you out.
You didn't like him.
I changed my mind.
Phil was right, by the way.
You do have the lowest vitamin D.
Oh.
Did I have the highest anything? Well, actually, your vitamin C levels were very impressive.
Oh, really? - Hey, Phil! - PHIL: Yeah? But too much can cause diarrhoea.
Nothing! Do you happen to know if Barbara's got any plans for tonight? Uh, does she have plans for Valentine's Day? Oh, God! I'm the one that'll have to put up with the bedroom noises.
Oh, stop! Stop! But you can't stand in the way of true love forever.
I can try.
- He's a man who deserves love.
- No! Oh, they're leaving together.
Oh, God! [MOANS.]
I'm dying! You're not dying.
Want me to get some garlic for your vagina? - No.
- What if you were pregnant? Wouldn't you, like, marinate your baby? You did this to me.
Probably should have eaten more dirt.
- Want to watch Game Of Thrones? - No.
Here we go!