Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e05 Episode Script
Pancake Madness
I love going to the movies in the Other Realm.
You see next year's blockbusters before they're even made.
Mm, those poor mortal actors.
They actually think they have free will.
Ow.
What is going on? This is what it feels like to be a mime.
That's odd.
The closet's never refused entry to anyone before.
Well, we'll have to figure it out after the movie.
What? You're just gonna leave me here? Sorry, Aunt Hilda.
We're late.
We won't have to sit through the movie listening to you say, "Now, which one is he?" But-- [THUNDER CRASHES.]
This is so unfair.
So looks like it's just you and me.
Wanna do each other's hair? Take that as a "no.
" I think my dinosaur is double-parked.
Oh, Salem, you must be up early for your paper route.
Can I zap you something to eat? Good idea.
You know, I've always felt breakfast is the most important meal of the morning.
Know what we never have in this house? - Possum.
- No.
Pancakes.
Pancakes for breakfast? You're mad! Pancakes? No! You know, the whole fork-up-to-my-mouth thing implied I was gonna eat those.
No pancakes.
Not in this house.
Not ever.
What are we, fanatic waffle people? You mustn't ever eat pancakes.
No one in our family can eat them.
- It's a family secret.
- The family secret? Just a family secret.
But not being able to eat pancakes is one of the darker and more frightening secrets.
Wow, makes the whole Prince of Tides secret seem tame.
All Spellmans have a terrible weakness for pancakes.
One bite and you won't be able to stop.
Mmm.
I can quit anytime I want.
Salem is not affected because he's not family, but we're deadly serious about you, Sabrina.
Oh, no.
Are we about to have the parent-child pancake talk? We should have told you this a long time ago.
One bite of pancakes and you'll be hooked for life.
It's almost as shameful as being hooked on phonics.
Well, maybe it won't affect me because I'm half-mortal.
We can't take that risk.
Because our feelings For Sabrina really matter Here's a spell to prevent The aforementioned Sabrina From conjuring pancake batter Well, what am I supposed to do for breakfast? Try a poached egg.
Yuck.
This is ridiculous.
Whoever heard of being addicted to pancakes? Haven't you learned by now to believe what your aunts tell you, no matter how silly it sounds? It's always for your own good.
But they look so syrupy good.
One teensy bite can't possibly hurt.
Sabrina, no.
S-- Sabrina.
There.
I ate pancakes, and I don't feel one bit addicted.
I knew my aunts were overreacting.
Just to save her from herself, I better destroy the rest of these.
SABRINA: Hey, what you eating? - Pancakes.
Really? Can I have some? Normally I would, but this may be the only hot breakfast I get this week.
My mom's not really into cooking much since she got pregnant.
She pretty much spends her whole morning barfing - and yelling at my dad.
- Come on.
Just one little bite.
Since when did you become such a pancake fiend? Ha, I'm not a fiend.
Ew.
They say she keeps all her belongings in a shopping cart.
My aunts did this to me.
They put weird thoughts in my head.
I am not getting hooked on pancakes.
Hey! What's in that? French toast.
Move along.
I can't find anything wrong with the linen closet except that musty, grandmothery smell.
But that came with the house.
Then why am I the only one it refuses to transport to the Other Realm? You don't still have that plate in your head, do you? You think it's that plate in my head? Have you done or said anything lately that might have angered the Witches' Council? Of course not.
I've been an absolute peach.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Or perhaps I've done something.
- Andrews.
Witch Immigration.
- Immigration? Well, you've obviously made a gigantic mistake.
My sister and I have lived here for over 200 years.
Someone in this house has been living in the mortal realm illegally without filling out the proper paperwork.
[CHUCKLING.]
Paperwork? Offer him a bribe.
We're gonna have to run a F.
I.
T.
That's a field immigration test.
- Read this sentence aloud, please.
- Fine.
"We went out and about again and again in our Ford Falcon.
" You're next.
I've got nothing to hide.
"We went oot and aboot agayn and agayn in our Fared Felcon.
" - Arrest her.
- What? Those results were completely inconclusive, eh? Hilda, you never filled out your paperwork to live in this realm? It was 200 years ago.
I was busy chopping wood and trying to keep Ben Franklin's hands off me.
Where are you taking her? Back to the northern sector of the Other Realm, where she came from.
Hilda? I'll FedEx you your cap with the earflaps.
Stop trying to lick my hands.
There's no syrup on them.
Okay.
Today I'd like to spend some time making a list of possible ways to raise money for this year's prom.
Anyone? Anyone at all? Last year I wrote, produced and modelled in a fabulous fashion show.
Didn't that lose $600? So? I got to keep my wardrobe.
We could raffle off a Cadillac.
Do you know someone who has one? No.
I'm just an idea man.
I'm in the mood for pancakes.
Are you holding? Sabrina, you usually have good ideas.
What sort of a fundraiser would you suggest? Pancakes! Are you suggesting we have a pancake breakfast to raise money? No, no.
I wouldn't want to have breakfast with those soft, flaky, fluffy, buttery, melt-in-your-mouth Do you have any? I think it's a charming idea.
A pancake breakfast it is.
Sabrina, you're drooling.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hilda? - Zelda, can you hear me? You've gotta get me oot of here.
[MEN GRUNTING.]
Are you all right? Is it just awful? Well, somebody just traded me for some badger pelts.
So in answer to your question, yes, it is awful.
Do you mind? I'm trying to have a conversation here.
All right.
Where were we? Oh, yeah.
Help! Don't worry, Hilda.
I'll think of something.
Okay, Frenchy, that's it.
You're oot of here.
Gotta be something in this house that tastes like pancakes.
Oh! Maple-cured ham.
Blechh.
Stupid thing just tastes like ham.
- Hello, Sabrina.
- Oh, home from school.
Felt like a snack.
Maybe fruit.
I've got to fill out forms or Aunt Hilda will be trapped in the Other Realm forever, which I know has its upside, but she's my sister after all.
[GIGGLING.]
Honey, are you all right? Your hand is shaking.
I don't think so.
Maybe your eyes are shaking.
Okay.
I know I can just sit here, watch TV and not think about pancakes.
MAN 1 [ON TV.]
: Mannix, you've broken every rule in the book.
You can't eat pancakes during a high-speed chase.
MAN 2: Rommel's dilemma came down to one agonising choice: Hitler or pancakes.
WOMAN: Hello.
You're on Loveline.
MAN 3: I like pancakes.
[SCREAMS.]
SALEM: Jeez, I'm the only cat I know who has insomnia.
Maybe it's that 22-hour nap I took today.
Is that a light I see in the kitchen? Sabrina! Ahh! No, no.
You're making pancakes, aren't you? You're hooked.
You're a flapjack fiend.
No, I'm not! I-- I'm not.
Yes, I am.
I'm hooked.
And you know what? There's a big pancake breakfast tomorrow at school and everyone's gonna know my shameful secret.
- You've gotta help me.
- I'll help you through this.
There's no problem you and I can't solve together.
Except maybe world hunger.
And war and global warming and Maybe we can't solve this problem.
Okay, we can brew up a syrup that'll make you hate the taste of pancakes.
You can take it with you to school and pour it on before you take that first bite.
- It'll taste so bad-- Eh.
- Quit flapping your lip, cat, and give me the first ingredient.
[IN WHEEZY VOICE.]
You're pressing on my Adam's apple.
[CLEARS THROAT AND PANTS.]
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Oyster juice.
Great.
Now, this time, in the beaker.
Oh, Sabrina, you brought your own syrup.
Yeah.
I'm germ-phobic.
Me too.
I brought gloves.
Hey, I saved you a seat, and I got you an extra-big stack.
I'm just gonna have a bite.
Yesterday they were all you could talk about.
Oh, so a woman should be seen and not heard, is that it? Are you okay? Is that twitch new? Hey, Sabrina, this one fell on the floor.
I thought you might like it.
Okay.
What's the catch? Ew, squared.
Okay, I'm just gonna put my syrup on these and then My syrup.
Where's my syrup? No! Wait! I gotta get out of here.
Oh, these taste awful.
My syrup.
Just one bite.
Hey, these aren't awful.
They're delicious.
They're blueberry.
I don't like blueberry.
Oh, no.
More! I need more! What are you all sitting there for? I need pancakes! I need more pancakes! I hope nobody noticed that.
Finally, I have filled out the last of Hilda's immigration papers.
"Emergency.
Please rush.
" Now to get them to the Other Realm.
SALEM: Why do you still use the pony express? I got a coupon 150 years ago.
He could have at least cleaned up after his horse.
There are wood shavings everywhere.
That was fast.
I was worried he wouldn't make it through Comanche country.
"Thank you for filing your request for a change in immigration status.
Please expect a response within five to ten working years.
" - Years? - Ooh, that's too bad.
I am really gonna miss, uh Helga? I can't wait years to get Hilda out of that frozen purgatory.
If I want my sister back, I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands.
You're gonna form your own ragtag band of commandos? [DOORBELL RINGING.]
SABRINA: Aunt Zelda, help! Sabrina? I think I'm retaining water.
Or syrup.
Oh, dear.
I think I know what's happened here.
Let's get you inside.
- Suck it in.
SABRINA: I am! [GRUNTING.]
How many pancakes did you eat? I don't know.
I lost count after the first 500.
You know, there's a bright future for this girl in professional wrestling.
Salem, that was totally uncalled for.
Sabrina, you're crushing my foot.
You should have listened to your aunts.
But I realise that young people sometimes think they know more than their elders.
Kids.
The first thing to do is to get you back to normal size.
Ah, thank you, Dr.
Brickman.
I'm cured.
- Sabrina! - It's a crepe! You have to go cold turkey.
I know it's hard.
When I gave up red meat, I was ready to kill.
But I had to.
The old ticker.
Fine.
I'll-- I'll start my recovery right now.
I hear there's a 12-step meeting at Howard Johnson's.
Oh, how long do I have to stay in here? It may take a few hours.
It may take a few days.
But there's no other way to beat this thing.
Couldn't this be one of those things we just accept? Honey, I'll be back as soon as I can.
I've got to go to the Other Realm to rescue Hilda.
But Salem, if there's an emergency, you know where to call, right? The Money Store? Yes, I have your pager number.
Oh, don't worry.
I went through the same pancake detox years ago.
You'll get through it.
Just remember, it's times like these that build character.
I don't want character.
I want pancakes! Keep busy.
That'll make the time go by.
MAN: I got 18 kids.
Sure could use a mama.
- Hilda.
- Oh, Zelda! Please tell me you have my citizenship papers.
At midnight, it's Crazy Klondike Bride Daze.
No.
I'm gonna sneak you across the border.
- It's our only hope.
- Are you sure? It's so dangerous.
We could get lost in the storm and freeze to death.
We could be eaten by bears.
Not if youse my wife, you won't.
Okay, come on, Zelda, mush! No.
Blueberry.
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[SINGING.]
Flapjacks, griddlecakes Flannel cakes, hoecakes We don't care Just give us mo' cakes Cook 'em up, stack 'em up Ten miles high Pour on the syrup And my, oh, my Cakes on the griddle Fill up your middle The answer to the riddle Is cakes on the griddle That's right The answer to the riddle Is cakes on the griddle That's right The answer to the riddle Is cakes on the griddle That's right The answer to the riddle Is cakes on the griddle [SCREAMS.]
That's right The answer to the riddle Salem, you gotta get me out of here.
Hey, Sabrina, hungry? [LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
- Who are you? - Why, I'm Mrs.
Mapleton.
I'm the syrup dispenser of your dreams.
Why are you here? What do you want? I'm here to help you, dear.
- Can you get me out of this room? - Of course.
We'll go someplace where you'll feel safe and happy.
Take hold of my handle.
Ooh! Sorry if it's a little sticky.
How can I be sure I can trust you? After all, you're a giant syrup dispenser.
So I guess that means I'm not a good person? Come on.
Where are we? We're at the International Pancake House.
Now that I'm trying to kick pancakes, good place to take me.
Everyone's here because they love pancakes just like you do.
But I don't wanna be hooked on pancakes.
I forgot about my friends.
I forgot about my family.
All I could think about was getting more pancakes, eating more pancakes.
The butter, the syrup-- Maybe I'll just have one little stack.
There's nothing wrong with liking pancakes.
Why should you have to suffer and spend your whole life craving something you can't have? If I stay here, I'll never see my aunts or my friends again.
Friends hurt you.
Friends cancel plans.
Pancakes don't.
And they smell delicious.
Why not take just one little bite? Well, since the fork is here Oh, there it is: the border to the mortal realm.
- Oh, we've made it.
MAN: Freeze.
Oh, like we could do anything else in this weather.
- Where do you think you're going? - To the mortal realm.
To our home.
So we'll be on our way and you can get back to chasing Snidely Whiplash, okay? Before I let you go, I have to ask questions about the mortal realm to prove you live there.
Standard procedure.
Fire away.
I do have three Ph.
Ds.
What are the names of the Hanson brothers? Who? Isaac, Zachary and Taylor.
What actor from Marcus Welby just married Barbra Streisand? - Ooh, ooh.
Robert Young.
- James Brolin.
- Sports.
Who's the best--? - Michael Jordan.
- Correct.
You can go.
- Yes! - Oh, not you.
Her.
- But-- But-- You didn't answer one question.
There's no way you live in the mortal realm.
But I do.
I-- I know who wrote Pride and Prejudice.
I-- I know who-- Who discovered the uranium isotope.
Nobody in the mortal realm knows those.
- Hilda! - I'll help you, Zelda.
Go back to the bar and wait for me.
You'll be okay.
Tonight's ladies' night, and you'll be the only lady.
[CHANTING.]
Eat, eat, eat.
Eat, eat, eat.
Eat, eat, eat HILDA: Sabrina? Sabrina? There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
Sabrina.
It's okay.
It's Aunt Hilda.
- Is it over? - There's only one way to be sure.
- No.
- Oh, very good.
- So how do you feel? - Like I want pancakes.
But I guess that's how I'm always gonna feel.
I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
I'm so proud of you.
I should start getting my life back together.
- I'm off to the mall.
- Not so fast.
If Aunt Zelda were here she'd give you some kind of parental lecture, but because she's still waiting for me to save her, I'll have to fill in.
Um, Sabrina, you-- Should listen to you guys and trust your advice.
Right.
And-- Realise that it's easier to solve problems when I ask for help.
Exactly.
And always-- Know that my family is there for me.
Right.
Man, I am good.
ZELDA: Sabrina! Hilda! Come quick! [ZELDA GRUNTING.]
I guess it's time to put chains on this hamper.
Aunt Zelda, you escaped.
How did you get oot? I mean, out? I was sitting there, waiting for you, in that awful saloon when MAN [ON TV.]
: Down the right wing, he's got a man open, crosses the blue line.
He's looking for a shot.
Oh, I don't know how many of you are familiar with Swan Lake, but-- [GLASS BREAKING AND MEN BOOING.]
And the next thing I know, I was being tossed across the border.
- But Sabrina, how are you? - Oh, I'm fine.
Aunt Hilda helped me through it.
Oh, well, I'm glad Hilda helped someone.
I'm just glad not to be hallucinating anymore.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
M.
Who is she talking to? I was-- She was-- [SIGHS.]
Hard day.
Lots of sugar.
[SLURRING.]
You know what, Charlie? You're my only friend.
[CRYING.]
You're my only friend in the whole wide world.
SABRINA: Salem, how many catnip mai tais have you had? - What's it to you? - Salem, this has gone too far.
Your litter box is a mess.
You can't keep your cat food down.
You owe money to pet stores all over town.
You have to admit you've become powerless over catnip.
That your life has become unmanageable.
You know what, Sabrina? You're my only friend in this whole wide world.
Let's get you home before you start singing show tunes.
SALEM: My mother was a saint.
I could take anyone in this place.
Come on!
You see next year's blockbusters before they're even made.
Mm, those poor mortal actors.
They actually think they have free will.
Ow.
What is going on? This is what it feels like to be a mime.
That's odd.
The closet's never refused entry to anyone before.
Well, we'll have to figure it out after the movie.
What? You're just gonna leave me here? Sorry, Aunt Hilda.
We're late.
We won't have to sit through the movie listening to you say, "Now, which one is he?" But-- [THUNDER CRASHES.]
This is so unfair.
So looks like it's just you and me.
Wanna do each other's hair? Take that as a "no.
" I think my dinosaur is double-parked.
Oh, Salem, you must be up early for your paper route.
Can I zap you something to eat? Good idea.
You know, I've always felt breakfast is the most important meal of the morning.
Know what we never have in this house? - Possum.
- No.
Pancakes.
Pancakes for breakfast? You're mad! Pancakes? No! You know, the whole fork-up-to-my-mouth thing implied I was gonna eat those.
No pancakes.
Not in this house.
Not ever.
What are we, fanatic waffle people? You mustn't ever eat pancakes.
No one in our family can eat them.
- It's a family secret.
- The family secret? Just a family secret.
But not being able to eat pancakes is one of the darker and more frightening secrets.
Wow, makes the whole Prince of Tides secret seem tame.
All Spellmans have a terrible weakness for pancakes.
One bite and you won't be able to stop.
Mmm.
I can quit anytime I want.
Salem is not affected because he's not family, but we're deadly serious about you, Sabrina.
Oh, no.
Are we about to have the parent-child pancake talk? We should have told you this a long time ago.
One bite of pancakes and you'll be hooked for life.
It's almost as shameful as being hooked on phonics.
Well, maybe it won't affect me because I'm half-mortal.
We can't take that risk.
Because our feelings For Sabrina really matter Here's a spell to prevent The aforementioned Sabrina From conjuring pancake batter Well, what am I supposed to do for breakfast? Try a poached egg.
Yuck.
This is ridiculous.
Whoever heard of being addicted to pancakes? Haven't you learned by now to believe what your aunts tell you, no matter how silly it sounds? It's always for your own good.
But they look so syrupy good.
One teensy bite can't possibly hurt.
Sabrina, no.
S-- Sabrina.
There.
I ate pancakes, and I don't feel one bit addicted.
I knew my aunts were overreacting.
Just to save her from herself, I better destroy the rest of these.
SABRINA: Hey, what you eating? - Pancakes.
Really? Can I have some? Normally I would, but this may be the only hot breakfast I get this week.
My mom's not really into cooking much since she got pregnant.
She pretty much spends her whole morning barfing - and yelling at my dad.
- Come on.
Just one little bite.
Since when did you become such a pancake fiend? Ha, I'm not a fiend.
Ew.
They say she keeps all her belongings in a shopping cart.
My aunts did this to me.
They put weird thoughts in my head.
I am not getting hooked on pancakes.
Hey! What's in that? French toast.
Move along.
I can't find anything wrong with the linen closet except that musty, grandmothery smell.
But that came with the house.
Then why am I the only one it refuses to transport to the Other Realm? You don't still have that plate in your head, do you? You think it's that plate in my head? Have you done or said anything lately that might have angered the Witches' Council? Of course not.
I've been an absolute peach.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Or perhaps I've done something.
- Andrews.
Witch Immigration.
- Immigration? Well, you've obviously made a gigantic mistake.
My sister and I have lived here for over 200 years.
Someone in this house has been living in the mortal realm illegally without filling out the proper paperwork.
[CHUCKLING.]
Paperwork? Offer him a bribe.
We're gonna have to run a F.
I.
T.
That's a field immigration test.
- Read this sentence aloud, please.
- Fine.
"We went out and about again and again in our Ford Falcon.
" You're next.
I've got nothing to hide.
"We went oot and aboot agayn and agayn in our Fared Felcon.
" - Arrest her.
- What? Those results were completely inconclusive, eh? Hilda, you never filled out your paperwork to live in this realm? It was 200 years ago.
I was busy chopping wood and trying to keep Ben Franklin's hands off me.
Where are you taking her? Back to the northern sector of the Other Realm, where she came from.
Hilda? I'll FedEx you your cap with the earflaps.
Stop trying to lick my hands.
There's no syrup on them.
Okay.
Today I'd like to spend some time making a list of possible ways to raise money for this year's prom.
Anyone? Anyone at all? Last year I wrote, produced and modelled in a fabulous fashion show.
Didn't that lose $600? So? I got to keep my wardrobe.
We could raffle off a Cadillac.
Do you know someone who has one? No.
I'm just an idea man.
I'm in the mood for pancakes.
Are you holding? Sabrina, you usually have good ideas.
What sort of a fundraiser would you suggest? Pancakes! Are you suggesting we have a pancake breakfast to raise money? No, no.
I wouldn't want to have breakfast with those soft, flaky, fluffy, buttery, melt-in-your-mouth Do you have any? I think it's a charming idea.
A pancake breakfast it is.
Sabrina, you're drooling.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hilda? - Zelda, can you hear me? You've gotta get me oot of here.
[MEN GRUNTING.]
Are you all right? Is it just awful? Well, somebody just traded me for some badger pelts.
So in answer to your question, yes, it is awful.
Do you mind? I'm trying to have a conversation here.
All right.
Where were we? Oh, yeah.
Help! Don't worry, Hilda.
I'll think of something.
Okay, Frenchy, that's it.
You're oot of here.
Gotta be something in this house that tastes like pancakes.
Oh! Maple-cured ham.
Blechh.
Stupid thing just tastes like ham.
- Hello, Sabrina.
- Oh, home from school.
Felt like a snack.
Maybe fruit.
I've got to fill out forms or Aunt Hilda will be trapped in the Other Realm forever, which I know has its upside, but she's my sister after all.
[GIGGLING.]
Honey, are you all right? Your hand is shaking.
I don't think so.
Maybe your eyes are shaking.
Okay.
I know I can just sit here, watch TV and not think about pancakes.
MAN 1 [ON TV.]
: Mannix, you've broken every rule in the book.
You can't eat pancakes during a high-speed chase.
MAN 2: Rommel's dilemma came down to one agonising choice: Hitler or pancakes.
WOMAN: Hello.
You're on Loveline.
MAN 3: I like pancakes.
[SCREAMS.]
SALEM: Jeez, I'm the only cat I know who has insomnia.
Maybe it's that 22-hour nap I took today.
Is that a light I see in the kitchen? Sabrina! Ahh! No, no.
You're making pancakes, aren't you? You're hooked.
You're a flapjack fiend.
No, I'm not! I-- I'm not.
Yes, I am.
I'm hooked.
And you know what? There's a big pancake breakfast tomorrow at school and everyone's gonna know my shameful secret.
- You've gotta help me.
- I'll help you through this.
There's no problem you and I can't solve together.
Except maybe world hunger.
And war and global warming and Maybe we can't solve this problem.
Okay, we can brew up a syrup that'll make you hate the taste of pancakes.
You can take it with you to school and pour it on before you take that first bite.
- It'll taste so bad-- Eh.
- Quit flapping your lip, cat, and give me the first ingredient.
[IN WHEEZY VOICE.]
You're pressing on my Adam's apple.
[CLEARS THROAT AND PANTS.]
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Oyster juice.
Great.
Now, this time, in the beaker.
Oh, Sabrina, you brought your own syrup.
Yeah.
I'm germ-phobic.
Me too.
I brought gloves.
Hey, I saved you a seat, and I got you an extra-big stack.
I'm just gonna have a bite.
Yesterday they were all you could talk about.
Oh, so a woman should be seen and not heard, is that it? Are you okay? Is that twitch new? Hey, Sabrina, this one fell on the floor.
I thought you might like it.
Okay.
What's the catch? Ew, squared.
Okay, I'm just gonna put my syrup on these and then My syrup.
Where's my syrup? No! Wait! I gotta get out of here.
Oh, these taste awful.
My syrup.
Just one bite.
Hey, these aren't awful.
They're delicious.
They're blueberry.
I don't like blueberry.
Oh, no.
More! I need more! What are you all sitting there for? I need pancakes! I need more pancakes! I hope nobody noticed that.
Finally, I have filled out the last of Hilda's immigration papers.
"Emergency.
Please rush.
" Now to get them to the Other Realm.
SALEM: Why do you still use the pony express? I got a coupon 150 years ago.
He could have at least cleaned up after his horse.
There are wood shavings everywhere.
That was fast.
I was worried he wouldn't make it through Comanche country.
"Thank you for filing your request for a change in immigration status.
Please expect a response within five to ten working years.
" - Years? - Ooh, that's too bad.
I am really gonna miss, uh Helga? I can't wait years to get Hilda out of that frozen purgatory.
If I want my sister back, I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands.
You're gonna form your own ragtag band of commandos? [DOORBELL RINGING.]
SABRINA: Aunt Zelda, help! Sabrina? I think I'm retaining water.
Or syrup.
Oh, dear.
I think I know what's happened here.
Let's get you inside.
- Suck it in.
SABRINA: I am! [GRUNTING.]
How many pancakes did you eat? I don't know.
I lost count after the first 500.
You know, there's a bright future for this girl in professional wrestling.
Salem, that was totally uncalled for.
Sabrina, you're crushing my foot.
You should have listened to your aunts.
But I realise that young people sometimes think they know more than their elders.
Kids.
The first thing to do is to get you back to normal size.
Ah, thank you, Dr.
Brickman.
I'm cured.
- Sabrina! - It's a crepe! You have to go cold turkey.
I know it's hard.
When I gave up red meat, I was ready to kill.
But I had to.
The old ticker.
Fine.
I'll-- I'll start my recovery right now.
I hear there's a 12-step meeting at Howard Johnson's.
Oh, how long do I have to stay in here? It may take a few hours.
It may take a few days.
But there's no other way to beat this thing.
Couldn't this be one of those things we just accept? Honey, I'll be back as soon as I can.
I've got to go to the Other Realm to rescue Hilda.
But Salem, if there's an emergency, you know where to call, right? The Money Store? Yes, I have your pager number.
Oh, don't worry.
I went through the same pancake detox years ago.
You'll get through it.
Just remember, it's times like these that build character.
I don't want character.
I want pancakes! Keep busy.
That'll make the time go by.
MAN: I got 18 kids.
Sure could use a mama.
- Hilda.
- Oh, Zelda! Please tell me you have my citizenship papers.
At midnight, it's Crazy Klondike Bride Daze.
No.
I'm gonna sneak you across the border.
- It's our only hope.
- Are you sure? It's so dangerous.
We could get lost in the storm and freeze to death.
We could be eaten by bears.
Not if youse my wife, you won't.
Okay, come on, Zelda, mush! No.
Blueberry.
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[SINGING.]
Flapjacks, griddlecakes Flannel cakes, hoecakes We don't care Just give us mo' cakes Cook 'em up, stack 'em up Ten miles high Pour on the syrup And my, oh, my Cakes on the griddle Fill up your middle The answer to the riddle Is cakes on the griddle That's right The answer to the riddle Is cakes on the griddle That's right The answer to the riddle Is cakes on the griddle That's right The answer to the riddle Is cakes on the griddle [SCREAMS.]
That's right The answer to the riddle Salem, you gotta get me out of here.
Hey, Sabrina, hungry? [LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
- Who are you? - Why, I'm Mrs.
Mapleton.
I'm the syrup dispenser of your dreams.
Why are you here? What do you want? I'm here to help you, dear.
- Can you get me out of this room? - Of course.
We'll go someplace where you'll feel safe and happy.
Take hold of my handle.
Ooh! Sorry if it's a little sticky.
How can I be sure I can trust you? After all, you're a giant syrup dispenser.
So I guess that means I'm not a good person? Come on.
Where are we? We're at the International Pancake House.
Now that I'm trying to kick pancakes, good place to take me.
Everyone's here because they love pancakes just like you do.
But I don't wanna be hooked on pancakes.
I forgot about my friends.
I forgot about my family.
All I could think about was getting more pancakes, eating more pancakes.
The butter, the syrup-- Maybe I'll just have one little stack.
There's nothing wrong with liking pancakes.
Why should you have to suffer and spend your whole life craving something you can't have? If I stay here, I'll never see my aunts or my friends again.
Friends hurt you.
Friends cancel plans.
Pancakes don't.
And they smell delicious.
Why not take just one little bite? Well, since the fork is here Oh, there it is: the border to the mortal realm.
- Oh, we've made it.
MAN: Freeze.
Oh, like we could do anything else in this weather.
- Where do you think you're going? - To the mortal realm.
To our home.
So we'll be on our way and you can get back to chasing Snidely Whiplash, okay? Before I let you go, I have to ask questions about the mortal realm to prove you live there.
Standard procedure.
Fire away.
I do have three Ph.
Ds.
What are the names of the Hanson brothers? Who? Isaac, Zachary and Taylor.
What actor from Marcus Welby just married Barbra Streisand? - Ooh, ooh.
Robert Young.
- James Brolin.
- Sports.
Who's the best--? - Michael Jordan.
- Correct.
You can go.
- Yes! - Oh, not you.
Her.
- But-- But-- You didn't answer one question.
There's no way you live in the mortal realm.
But I do.
I-- I know who wrote Pride and Prejudice.
I-- I know who-- Who discovered the uranium isotope.
Nobody in the mortal realm knows those.
- Hilda! - I'll help you, Zelda.
Go back to the bar and wait for me.
You'll be okay.
Tonight's ladies' night, and you'll be the only lady.
[CHANTING.]
Eat, eat, eat.
Eat, eat, eat.
Eat, eat, eat HILDA: Sabrina? Sabrina? There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
Sabrina.
It's okay.
It's Aunt Hilda.
- Is it over? - There's only one way to be sure.
- No.
- Oh, very good.
- So how do you feel? - Like I want pancakes.
But I guess that's how I'm always gonna feel.
I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
I'm so proud of you.
I should start getting my life back together.
- I'm off to the mall.
- Not so fast.
If Aunt Zelda were here she'd give you some kind of parental lecture, but because she's still waiting for me to save her, I'll have to fill in.
Um, Sabrina, you-- Should listen to you guys and trust your advice.
Right.
And-- Realise that it's easier to solve problems when I ask for help.
Exactly.
And always-- Know that my family is there for me.
Right.
Man, I am good.
ZELDA: Sabrina! Hilda! Come quick! [ZELDA GRUNTING.]
I guess it's time to put chains on this hamper.
Aunt Zelda, you escaped.
How did you get oot? I mean, out? I was sitting there, waiting for you, in that awful saloon when MAN [ON TV.]
: Down the right wing, he's got a man open, crosses the blue line.
He's looking for a shot.
Oh, I don't know how many of you are familiar with Swan Lake, but-- [GLASS BREAKING AND MEN BOOING.]
And the next thing I know, I was being tossed across the border.
- But Sabrina, how are you? - Oh, I'm fine.
Aunt Hilda helped me through it.
Oh, well, I'm glad Hilda helped someone.
I'm just glad not to be hallucinating anymore.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
M.
Who is she talking to? I was-- She was-- [SIGHS.]
Hard day.
Lots of sugar.
[SLURRING.]
You know what, Charlie? You're my only friend.
[CRYING.]
You're my only friend in the whole wide world.
SABRINA: Salem, how many catnip mai tais have you had? - What's it to you? - Salem, this has gone too far.
Your litter box is a mess.
You can't keep your cat food down.
You owe money to pet stores all over town.
You have to admit you've become powerless over catnip.
That your life has become unmanageable.
You know what, Sabrina? You're my only friend in this whole wide world.
Let's get you home before you start singing show tunes.
SALEM: My mother was a saint.
I could take anyone in this place.
Come on!