Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e05 Episode Script

1 (Key rattles) (Door shuts) Hi.
Hi.
Um, your agent called; do you have any safety pins? My agent? Which one? I think the assistant said her name was Jennifer? Ginnifer? Or Jennifer with a "G?" There's more than one! They sent you an email.
Is it a job? I don't know, do I look like Ginnifer?! David, your inability to retain information that doesn't directly pertain to you might actually require medical attention! Are they sending a script? David there's nothing here but "hot singles in my area.
" No, wait, wait.
David, it's an audition for a feature film! Well, that sounds promising.
"Attractive and spunky forty-something female.
" In my sleep! "Respected ornithologist Dr.
Clara Mandrake," in the psychological thriller, "The Crows Have Eyes Two.
" It's a sequel, that's good.
It must mean the first one was a big success.
I've never heard of it.
Well, they want me to put myself on tape.
David, do you still have that camera? Go get it, please! And a drop cloth.
And a ring light.
I could probably prop my phone against some books.
And so it begins again.
(Door opens) Good morning.
I'd like to book some rooms, please.
Oh, well, that's wonderful.
Good good.
Um, is there a problem? Uh no, no problem.
I can certainly handle this.
My associate usually works the computer, But uh let's get you booked.
I'd like to book three rooms.
Three rooms? Okay - Now will that be uh, three - (Chimes) separate uh, bookings? You see, there's a conference over in Elmdale, and I was hoping to use the motel as a kind of a breakout space to conduct my own business out of, - for the next two days.
- (Computer chimes) During the afternoons.
- (Computer beeps repeatedly) - Okay, we seem to be having a bit of a problem with the system here, but not to worry.
Are you new at this? Ish.
(Laughs) Well, not to complicate things for you even more, um, Johnny, but I would love if we could work out some kind of a discounted deal, seeing as we're not gonna be needing the rooms during the evenings.
Okay, um tell you what.
Why don't I go to a fresh page here, and we'll get this done.
Lickety-split, okay.
- So - I would love to pay cash.
Whew! Even better.
Moira: From what I understand it's between me, and one other actress.
Congratulations, Mrs.
Rose! Who's the other actress? - Well, they haven't found her yet.
- Oh.
But if all goes according to plan, (Knocks on wood) they'll be flying me out for a screen test! Moira, I was just thinking about you! Well, thank you.
What if we switched parts? - Switch parts? - For the duet next week.
Oh Jocelyn, the duet.
I must apologize, there seems to have been a change of plans.
Moira's gonna be in a movie! (Moira and Twyla laugh) - A movie? - Well I'm sure you've seen "The Crows Have Eyes.
" This would be the second in the franchise.
- Wow.
- Mhmm.
I have never heard of it, but congratulations.
Thank you.
Shame about the duet, though.
Yeah, we were gonna have a pretty incredible audience for the performance next week.
Big tour group coming through, so Then you'll cut the number.
No, I don't think that's a possibility, actually.
Twyla, what if you took Moira's part for the duet next week? (Gasps) I would be honored! God, it'd be such big shoes to fill.
No, Twyla, no.
No deprecatory mocking.
One must champion oneself and say, I am ready for this! Otherwise, the pressure could be crippling.
Look at this filth! "Community center adds ramp.
" No, this.
He says the comma's a typo, but it has run that way three years in a row! Who is this person? He looks like if Ricky Martin and Mark Consuelos had a baby.
It's the competition, and he's selling his body to get clients, it's disgusting! You could probably take just as sexy a photo if you wanted to.
I could definitely take just a I don't want to.
Let me ask you this question.
Why should the person who is performing surgery on your pet have to have a six pack?! - You have a six pack.
- That's not the point! And it's not a full six yet, That's why I'm shredding right now.
I don't know, it looks like a pretty smart campaign to me.
If he wants to sell sex, then he should just get a job down at the Dude Cave! He'd make more money than being a vet! Um, what's the Dude Cave? It's the all male strip club outside of town.
My cousin Dwayne works there; he drives a Corvette.
Okay Listen, you might wanna think about spicing up your approach a little bit.
The bottom line is that I did not go to med school just to exploit innocent puppies as a cover for my extreme vanity! But people love extreme vanity! And they love puppies, so you have to give them at least one of the two.
I don't know.
Oh! What about the bunnies that we have up for adoption? We can set up like, a little bunny cam, and stream it live from our clinic.
That is very popular with people who hate their jobs, or are in loveless marriages.
Are those the people we wanna be targeting? Well, it's free marketing, and you can find little homes for those little bunnies that don't have any houses.
Fine! But if those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, - I am pulling the plug! - Yes.
Honeypea.
Moira: Okay this is really taking me back.
(Coughs) Okay David, I'll need you to count me in.
Okay, um, from what? Start from five, you leave out the two, and the one.
Okay, why? Because it's my process.
Okay.
Um Five, four One.
Look what you've done! Look at it! Lying there, lifeless.
Yet, in its eyes, I see darkness.
It's just a crow, Mrs.
Mandrake.
Dr.
Mandrake.
And you must be kidding yourself if you don't think more are not coming.
They always do.
They're watching you, Gareth.
The crows have eyes.
And you better not look them in it.
Uh, it-it's just a flock of crows, Dr.
Mandrake.
What's the worst that can happen? Oh, you'll see! And it's not a flock, my dear boy it's a murder.
Yes, I said murder.
Gareth, murder! Sorry, um, this is just one big rip off of "The Birds!" This is about crows! It's much more specific! And the dialogue! "Look, they've taken Clara!" "Where are they carrying her to, Clara?" Are there two Claras?! It's a common name.
Yeah, the next scene takes place in a large bird's nest.
Rarely is the material of quality, the challenge is to lift it off the page.
And I think part of the problem, David, is that I'm getting nothing from you.
It's like working off a corpse.
I actually think you do play off a corpse in the next scene, and if I'm being perfectly honest, this is all playing a bit big.
Hmph! Big.
- Yeah.
- And would that be a note? A note, coming from my son?! Who I carried for almost a full seven months, to an actress who has been short-listed for more than seven major made for television motion pictures? The script is nothing more than a jumping off point.
Oh, okay.
Let's take it again, I'll count myself in.
- Five, four, three, two - (Camera beeps) Johnny: Great news! Your new partner just booked three rooms, before you even got in this morning.
Wow.
Ha! Three rooms, two days, "afternoons only, Trish.
" What's afternoons only? Well, I gave her a discount, because she's only using the rooms during the day.
So you're renting our rooms by the hour?! We haven't had a guest in four days! What are they using the rooms for? Well, she didn't say, Just conducting her business out of them.
Right, and you know what that means.
- No.
- Yeah.
No, I-I don't believe you.
Let me guess, this has something to do with the accountants conference? Yes.
No, no, you're mistaken.
Stevie, she would've disclosed that information if that were the case! - Really? - No But look, if it makes you feel any better, we'll go and check it out.
But when it turns out I'm right, and it's just a group of business professionals decompressing for a few hours, during a long day at a regional accountants' conference, then I expect a full apology.
You don't hear it, when you say it like that? I hear it a bit.
(Crickets chirp) - Hi.
- Come look at this, look at the bunnies! Oh (gasps) Cute! This isn't one of those animal rights viral videos where the bunnies go through a meat processor in the end, is it? Ew, no, David.
I set this up to get people to visit Ted's website.
Poor thing is, like, out of it when it comes to selling himself.
There are 200 people watching this, David! That's like, double your Instagram followers.
Okay, my account is private, thanks.
Mhmm There's Ted.
Yeah, sometimes he comes in and out.
Um Ted is taking his clothes off.
You wish, David.
No, Ted is getting naked on your webcam! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I emailed our entire client list about this, David! I emailed his parents! I'm obsessed with this.
This is incredible! (Gasps) No, no, no, no, no, no! - Ted looks good.
- Yeah, he does.
- David, he looks really good.
- Okay, that's gross.
Okay, so (Gasps) David! Oh, hi.
Hi.
Uh, I and my associate, just wanted to come by and check on you, and see how you're enjoying your multiple room stay? Oh, we're doing just fine, thank you.
Good, good, good.
Because we've heard through the rumor mill that um there have been some unannounced visitors staying in the rooms we rented you.
Visitors who may be engaging in mature, if not adult activities.
And? And that's something we didn't discuss.
Miss, if I were to tell you Oh no, no, I got it immediately, and I wasn't even there, so.
Okay, well unfortunately, we're gonna have to ask you to shut it down.
Oh, you have nothing to worry about, Mr.
Rose.
We're a very high-end operation, and very discreet.
Besides, people are making love in these rooms, whether they rent by the day, the week, or the hour.
Yeah Yeah, well Point taken.
Wow.
(Door shuts) (Light knock on the door) (Cars rumble) Hey, you know, I've tried to add an extra half hour to my morning run, but my body just isn't having it.
- Well, you look great.
- Thanks.
Um, about the bunny cam I know, it's a huge hit! We've gotten like nine new customers overnight! And some of them don't even have pets, they just want to discuss whether or not they should get a pet.
Ted, the camera can see you.
Okay, so should I like, wave or something, next time? Nope, the camera can see you like, after your run.
Oh.
Oh no, why didn't you tell me the camera could see me when I get back from my runs?! I just noticed! Actually, David noticed first last night, but that's exactly when there is a huge spike in the website.
- I'm worse than Dr.
Miguel! - No, you didn't know! Although there was a moment last night, where it looked like you might have known, and you were doing this like, - thing with your hips.
- Alexis! No, I know, of course you didn't know.
Of course! Um, don't worry, I'm gonna take it down right now.
W-Wait.
You said you saw a spike in the website views? People were very concerned as to whether or not you would get your pants on successfully.
Well who's to say that people weren't watching for the bunnies? I am, that's what I'm saying.
I feel that until these guys are adopted, we can't take it down, that'd be bad for business, for the bunnies' sake.
I'll just have to be more careful next time.
Um hello, who are you, and what did you do with Theodore Mullins? Well, what can I say, sometimes I like to live dangerously.
While still respecting my personal boundaries.
- Yes.
- (Ted laughs) Moira: David! So what is it? - It's an email.
- Mhmm! Subject line, "The Crows Have Eyes II.
" - Mhmm.
- And? I don't know, I'd like you to read it, please.
(David sighs) - You booked it.
- Ohhhh! David! I did? What'd they say about me? They need you to sign the contract! Well, that's standard! What are the terms? Ooh, it's filming in Bosnia! Um, in a city that I don't, I don't know the name of the city, I can't pronounce it, a lot of consonants.
I did not know that.
But I've always loved shooting on location, it allows one to focus on the work.
Hmm, it's being released in Bosnia, Croatia, Herzegovina.
Before opening internationally! You have to fly yourself there? Mmm, that doesn't sound right.
Ooh, accommodation is covered.
Thank God! You'll be put up with a local family.
Close to the set? They're paying you scale.
But it'll be in Baltic currency, do you want me to keep going? No, read to yourself.
- There's a death waiver?! - Ohh! You can close the computer.
Yeah, but we haven't even gotten to the section on bird safety yet! Shut it! Now.
What if Hmm.
No, thank you.
(Door opens) Have a nice rest of the day.
Hey Johnny, wow! This place is hopping! Yeah, well, it's uh, it's been a busy week.
Uh huh, you know, I gotta tell you, when I first heard that Stevie was hitching her wagon to your cart, the first thing that came into my mind was, whoooa, Nelly! That horse is in big trouble.
A convoluted metaphor, but um But I've gotta say, you've proven me wrong, I mean, obviously, you're doing something right here.
Yeah, well, once again, thanks for coming by, Roland.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Johnny, look.
I know it makes you uncomfortable when somebody gets real with you, but could we just have one minute when I compliment you, and you don't go all, "Ooh Roland, my generation, we don't talk about our feelings, we keep 'em all rawrrr inside!" Yeah well, that's not it, but once again, thanks for coming by.
Hey, one of you guys Ken? Ken? No.
Hi.
I'm Roland, Roland Schitt, mayor.
- Roland Schitt.
- Kitty.
Kitty, how are you? Are you enjoying your stay in our town? - It's been really good, Mhmm.
- Oh Hmm.
So Roland look, why don't we head down to the office, if we uh, wanna chat.
Who's Ken? Well, Ken is probably her husband.
Uh huh, and she doesn't know what he looks like? - Gentlemen.
- Uhhh Ah.
- Excuse me.
- You betcha.
(Laughs) Oh, Johnny.
Well, I see why you've had such a great week.
Okay, I don't know what you're implying, But I don't like your tone.
Johnny, please.
This little operation has been on the council's radar for quite a while now, And I'm sorry, but that was no Sunday school teacher coming outta here! Okay look, this whole thing was a mistake.
This whole thing! But I'm working on it, I'm working to shut it down, quickly.
Well, I'm really happy to hear that, because I would hate to have to assert my mayoral authority in a situation like this, yes? Yeah, and nobody wants to avoid that more than me.
Good, okay.
Well, you know what, I'm glad I helped you fix your uh, broken moral compass.
Well, there's nothing wrong with my moral compass, but All right, well, why don't we tell Kitty that? (Snickers) (Laughs) Ah, I'd love to see that! So, I was thinking for the chorus - Yeah? - We could sway, like we're actually islands in the stream.
Oh yeah, that's good.
Hi, I'm here! Moira, what about your big movie? Oh that, they're still hounding me, but I took a moment to stop and think about what is really important in life, and while the Bosnian Riviera is a majestic locale, it can't hold a candle to singing with you wonderful working women here, in our makeshift rehearsal studio.
Well, I'm flattered, but Twyla's been working on your part for the duet, and I really don't think that that would be in the spirit of things to take that from her.
But the song was my idea, Jocelyn.
John and I made David to that song, in Pusitano.
Hey, why don't we just show you how we're doing, and you can offer up some professional advice, for now.
Okay.
(Clears throat) Jocelyn and Twyla: From one lover to another Uh huh Islands in the stream (Scatting) Jocelyn and Twyla: That is what we are K-H-E-O-K! No one in between How can we be wrong (Moira sings in another language) Sail away with me to another world (Moira sings loudly) We'll be lying with each other, uh huh Uh huh