Scrubs s03e05 Episode Script

As a doctor, it's important to make small talk.
What would you like with your sandwich? Pickles.
It's harder if your patient has dementia and can only say one word.
- And to drink? - Pickles.
Now for a thousand dollars and this bag of IV fluids, guaranteed to make you feel like you're 190 again, what did Peter Piper pick a peck of? - Pickles.
- I'm sorry, Mr Bober.
The correct answer is peppers.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Newbie.
Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient? - Yes.
- I've never felt closer to you.
This is just exactly what's wrong with the whole system.
The nursing home unload this gomer on us because they can't treat him.
So we get his temperature below 100 and then turf him right back to Next Stop Heaven, where between wheelchair productions of Anything Goes and robbing the bastards blind, they bounce him back to us.
On the plus side, his temperature's I could just give you a hug.
Of course I never would.
I could, but I never would.
God save me.
No biggie, because here comes my dream girl with a smile just for me.
- You know what I love? - What? My boyfriend, Sean.
That's when I made one of the biggest mistakes I'd made in some time.
I'm bummed out about Elliot.
I just needed someone to talk to.
I called my brother.
Boo-frickin-hoo.
I'm glad you called.
Mom's getting remarried for the seventh time.
This is such a hassle for me.
I had reopened a door that I had successfully closed years ago.
Yes, Dan, I got your 11 messages.
Because you're my brother, I'm gonna put this nicely.
Leave me alone.
- This Mom thing doesn't bother you? - Yes, it's killing me.
- So much so that I have to go.
- All right, buddy.
I'll see you soon.
- Real soon.
- Wait.
- What's up, Dan? - Christopher.
- We have the makings of a dog pile.
- Don't.
Sorry, dude.
I gotta.
I miss Sean.
This long-distance thing is killing me.
- Are you having phone sex? - Gross.
Have you and Turk ever done it? Last year when he went home for the holidays I gave him a call.
Surprising how Turk's and how worldly he is.
I'm not doing it here.
That guy next door listens to everything I say.
I can hear you there breathing.
You sick bastard.
You just need to find a place where you're not so self-conscious.
Hi, sweetie.
Are you naked? Imagine me taking off my shirt and kissing down your neck.
Can you hear me? Sean? Good.
Now I'm at your chest and my tongue starts to Are you there? Good.
Because now I am licking your nipples all over.
Your nipples.
Nipples, Sean.
I'm licking your nipples.
Look, Oliver.
I don't care how close you are.
I'll call you later.
We have to get my brother out of here.
He's driving me crazy.
I did not just drop a toothbrush in the toilet.
- Was it blue? - Yellow.
Don't sweat it.
So, Mrs D's getting remarried, huh? To a total loser.
This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic.
- The audacity.
- I know.
But this is gonna be great.
Like when I came down to see you guys in med school.
I hooked up with that slutty chick with the huge cans.
- What was her name? - Amy.
- How do you remember stuff like that? - She was my girlfriend.
- You got her number? - No.
Turk and I are working on our harmonizing.
A one, a two, a one, two, three.
- Haunting.
- With you, we can take it on the road.
- I love the theatre.
- Come to Papa.
Don't put your skivvies in the freezer.
My Popsicles taste like fabric softener.
I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold.
Make sure you're dry, otherwise you get a "tongue on the flagpole" situation.
Stimulating conversation.
Why doesn't Mom's new husband want you there? I'm worried, cos I think this marriage might actually stick, unlike Mom and Dad, who solved things with sex.
- They did? - Yeah.
You were only born cos Mom bounced a cheque.
I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car.
No, they wanted me.
My nephew just asked what you're wearing today.
How cute is that? Not as cute as you think.
I've gotta scrape some cash together to see Sean.
OK, everyone, listen up.
It came to my attention that Dr Brogan here has been moonlighting over at County Medical.
If he were to kill someone there, great.
But if he were to make a mistake here because of how tired he was, then my hospital would be liable.
So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone what my policy on moonlighting is? No moonlighting.
Dr Brogan will be suspended without pay for one week, but he gets to run around in my backyard wearing a foam suit so I can see if my dog Baxter's attack classes were worth the money.
- Is my message clear? - Absolutely, sir.
No moonlighting, sir.
- Where do you moonlight? - Insurance physicals.
- Free clinic.
- Mammogram-mobile.
I just got the offer.
But I'd make more money than I do now in an ambulance.
Even though I'll be handling breasts, my beautiful fiancée would let me ride around in an ambulance.
Dan wanted to come to work today, but I said it'd make me uncomfortable.
He was OK with it.
I heard there's a bed in the on-call room.
Ever get hot and heavy in there? - Usually I'm in there by myself.
- So yes.
My buddy Wayne lives a couple of miles upstate.
He's got a new bumper-pool table.
- I'm gonna be taking off tonight.
- Thank God.
Dr Cox.
- You remember my brother Dan? - What do you say, Coxy? - Nothing.
- That's a first.
- This is my boss.
- You know what a boss is? For you, that would be the 17-year-old that tells you to fill all the ketchups.
- My ribs.
- Why don't you get a snack cake? Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.
Good God, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you.
Never, not in a million years, absolutely not, no way Jose, no chance Lance, nyet, negatory.
And my own personal favourite of all time, man falling off a cliff.
- I just wanna say thank you.
- Hold the phone.
You don't want him to come with us? Dan.
Come.
Thanks.
I didn't get that mammogram-mobile job.
- They said you took it after all.
- What? Yes, I took it.
But it pays better.
This job is about helping women detect breast cancer and nothing more.
If you'll excuse me, I'm late for work.
Have fun, cos you'll never see the girls again.
The place where I moonlight pays pretty well.
I can call them.
Cool.
What's the gig? It's just emergency patch and fix work.
It's no different than treating a patient at our hospital.
Looky here.
Tell me, sir.
What brings Dr Dorian's favourite gomer back to the hospital? - Pickles.
- Fair enough.
What's a gomer? An old person that takes up a room and doesn't have the common decency to die.
That's just rude is what that is.
I don't have time for pickles.
I've got a drug addict who'll say things will be different, then try and take my watch again.
Dammit.
Can't we just put a pillow over his head and put him out of his misery? Not gonna be necessary.
His temperature's below 100.
Take him away.
How long has my little brother had the desire to smother old people? I should warn Grandma.
Sounds dark, but you gotta deal with this place any way you can.
- These are living, breathing people.
- I'm sorry.
- What do you do? - I tend bar.
I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here, but if I ever do need to find out how to make a top-notch rum and coke, by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone, cos I might give you a jingle.
Hi, Dan.
Coxaroonie.
Regarding the rum and coke issue, couldn't be more confused.
We have another dog coming in.
Do you want him or the four cats next door? The dog.
I don't know why, but all cats hate me.
If I ever make eye contact with them, they freak out.
Well, well, well.
Stop it, kitty.
Get off me.
Not my pants.
You all suck.
Hi, sir.
Well, Dan, what can I say? It's been three days.
- Two days.
- Feels like three.
Say hi to Wayne and good luck in the bumper-pool tournament.
- Actually, I don't think I'm leaving.
- Why? I'm worried about you.
Hanging with you today and watching you work, the gomer talk and all the attitude, I'm not sure I like it.
- It's definitely not my little brother.
- You know what? Once Dad left and Mom started marrying everyone that rang the doorbell, someone said how lucky I was to have an older brother.
But you never came through for me once, did you? I'm in love with a girl who's in love with someone else and you responded by drinking my Baileys Irish Cream and whining about Mom's boyfriend.
You are a self-involved user, and you wanna tell me what kind of person to be? Instead, why don't you just get the hell out of my life? But we're brothers.
That counts for something, right? Not to me.
Whenever there's an argument in my family, we pretend nothing happened.
- How are your chocolate chip flapjacks? - Good.
- More whipped cream, Christopher? - Bring it.
It's been great hanging with you.
Johnny, I know I don't say this nearly enough, but Coffee's kicking in.
Back in four minutes.
I cannot afford to be suspended right now.
- I'll have to resort to blackmail.
- How we gonna blackmail Kelso? Unless you take the fall, I tell Turk you're sleeping with someone.
Relax.
I have a secret weapon.
You saw nothing.
Thanks for loaning me this shirt.
I got compliments from the sisters.
Sharon called me a cracker.
How many times I gotta tell you? Cracker: Bad.
Why aren't you apologising to your brother before he leaves? You don't get it, man.
Your family was there for you.
Kids of divorce swear they have the market cornered on family dysfunction.
Let me share a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household.
Mom yells at my sister for yelling at my grandmother, who's yelling at the TV, which is the microwave.
My militant brother Jabari, formerly Bob, gives Dad attitude for using the word "black", referring to the turkey, which got burnt when instead of turning the oven off, my bipolar Aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it.
But we kiss and we hug and we apologise for all the things we said, cos a month later we're gonna get together and do it again at Christmas.
Now check the ball, cracker.
One nothing.
You're home now.
I paged Dr Kelso.
Do you feel confident about this, Ted? I'm not sure.
I don't know how confidence feels.
Afternoon, suspendees, Ted.
Guess who's back from the vet? One, two, three.
What a boy.
Sir, about Nurse Espinoza and Dr Reid's suspensions, there aren't any grounds to punish them for moonlighting.
They weren't working with people, just animals.
Just animals? Please, this dog is smarter than most people.
- He's definitely smarter than you.
- Sir, I don't think Baxter, sit.
Ted, sit.
- Ted, you don't have to.
- Shut up.
I can win this.
Baxter, speak.
- Ted, speak.
- Hello.
Baxter, left foot.
Ted, left hand.
- Left hand, Ted.
- Hello.
Baxter wins.
He gets the desk.
Baxter, go up.
Those are definitely broken.
Why did you do that? - Gee, I don't know.
- Who are you? - I'm waiting for my brother.
- Isn't that perfect? You send your brother in to do the dirty work, huh? And with an open fly, no less.
Made you look.
A twofer.
- Emergency room? - That way.
- So you taking off? - Yeah.
I wanna apologise for everything I said.
- I really like having you around.
- No, you don't.
I know.
I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.
But you're my brother.
You can crash at my place as long as you like.
That's OK.
I'll see you back home at Christmas.
- Why are you here? - My boyfriend is in New Zealand.
If I don't moonlight, I'm never gonna see him.
My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought, and I need the cash.
Baxter won't get out of my chair.
Even though we're understaffed and underpaid, I've been working here for ten years.
All day long, all I hear is, "Carla, Carla, Carla.
" Sir, what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or rambling sort of way, is we work hard here, but it's not the only thing in our lives.
You know what it's like to love someone so much, you'd do anything you had to? I'll see you two in the morning.
Get out of my office before I change my mind.
Darling, I wanna say something.
For 25 years, we've been going through the motions.
Once every few weeks we have sex, and then breakfast without saying a word.
Tonight I want you to put on a nice dress.
I'm gonna take you to dinner and start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years.
I love you, too.
That was beautiful, sir.
Thanks, Ted.
Call my wife.
Tell her I won't be home tonight.
Here I'd been told you left.
It made me happy.
You don't like me.
People don't like me.
You know why? I'm a screw-up.
Always have been.
Ever since we were kids.
I had to walk Johnny to school first day every year.
Every year I'd walk him to the wrong school.
Just cos.
Boy, that's a great story.
Really.
And I'm sure you were a horrible big brother.
But you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap.
You don't need to be embarrassed.
It happens all the time.
For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.
Listen, no offence.
I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think.
You love it that these kids idolise you.
Johnny does.
Johnny was always the one we knew was going someplace.
Sweet kid.
Smart kid.
Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted.
Yet somehow you've found a way to beat that out of him.
Turned him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does.
Johnny's never gonna look up to me.
Ever.
But he hangs on your every word.
So I'm asking, I'm telling you, take that responsibility seriously, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me.
Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
It was good seeing you, Dr Cox.
Good to see you, Dan.
All the best.
Love can also give you courage.
Lots of cats today.
What's wrong with this guy? I think he's got something stuck behind his big sharp tooth.
It's enough to love my brother, even though he'll never come up big for me.
Mr Pickles, welcome back.
Here we go with this guy again.
Still, it sure is nice to be doing something you love.
I wouldn't trade it.
What about you? - No.
- Don't forget that.
- Pickles.
- Damn right, sir.
Damn right.